TOW: the Breast Milk

Ross: keeps Ben for awhile. Carol and Susan drop Ben off and Ross has to talk to Chandler and Joey about not being freaked out by Carol breastfeeding. He's really excited when he learns that Julie and Monica are going shopping together; he likes that Monica's trying to get along with his girlfriend. Ross is weirded out when Phoebe tests the breast milk. It only gets worse when Joey drinks it, too. They try to convince him it's fine, but Ross is too grossed out. Carol and Susan come over to pick up Ben and Phoebe tells them about Ross's breast milk issues. Susan admits that she's tried it. Ross, in his endless quest to one-up Susan, dribbles the milk on his forearm, but can't bring himself to drink it. The end of the episode has Ross, Joey, and Chandler sitting around Monica's kitchen table with a baby bottle full of breast milk and a plate of Oreos. Ross chugs the milk and stuffs a couple Oreos in his mouth.

Monica: buys Ben adorable little baby Nike's. At Central Perk, Julie asks the group if anyone wants to go to Bloomingdale's with her, to take advantage of a friend's employee discount. Monica agrees. Joey and Chandler point out that going to Bloomingdale's with Julie is a huge betrayal of Rachel. Before Monica can back out of her plans with Julie, Ross tells her how excited he is that she's going out with Julie. Monica comes to Central Perk after her shopping trip, telling Phoebe to say they went shopping together and had lunch. Phoebe lies really badly, but Monica's able to keep her trip with Julie secret. That night, Julie calls the apartment and makes plans with Monica. The next day, Monica comes home from a lunch outing, she wore Rachel's jacket and tells Rachel she was by herself. Rachel finds the lunch receipt in her jacket pocket and Monica comes clean about Julie. She calls Central Perk, trying to talk to Rachel. The other Central Perk employees take Rachel's side. Monica goes into the coffee shop and apologizes. They cry and hug, making up.

Rachel: still doesn't like Julie, even though Julie is really nice to everyone. She knows something is weird with Monica, but doesn't know what. After Monica's lunch outing, Rachel finds a $53 receipt in her jacket pocket. She asks Monica why it was such an expensive bill for one person. Rachel learns that Monica's been hanging out with Julie. As Monica confesses, she becomes like an unfaithful spouse. Rachel is upset, but copes until she learns that Monica went to Bloomingdale's with Julie. Rachel storms out. She refuses to talk to Monica until Monica comes into Central Perk. Rachel tells Monica that she's upset because Julie already has Ross and now she's taking Monica, too. Monica tells Rachel that Julie's not taking her, but that Rachel should really give Julie a chance. They make up. Rachel sits down with Julie at the coffee shop. Julie tells her that she's always been intimidated by her and got the feeling Rachel didn't like her much. Rachel confesses that she was a little wary of Julie, but that she realizes that Julie is a really nice person and she makes Ross happy. When Julie leaves, Rachel still doesn't like her.

Phoebe: lies to Rachel for Monica about going shopping. She tastes Carol's breast milk with little thought, freaking out Ross, Rachel and Chandler. She tells Carol and Susan about Ross's problem with trying the breast milk.

Joey: works at Macy's (I think) as a cologne sample spritzer. He's the best at the store until a new guy, dressed as a cowboy, shows up. Annabell (Emily Procter), a co-worker, tells Joey that the girls are calling the new guy the, 'Hombre Man.' The Hombre Man (Joel Beeson) is better at the spritzing than Joey and the Hombre Man gets a date with Annabell. Joey walks into his apartment dressed as a cowboy, the Hombre man is so good that Joey's now spritzing that cologne. He talks to Chandler about his competition with the Hombre Man. Chandler convinces Joey to not give up, but put up a fight against the Hombre Man. The next morning, Joey and the Hombre Man face off as the store opens. Joey's cologne bottle gets jammed, but the Hombre Man spritzes an old guy in the face. Annabell comes to see what's happened. She and Joey walk off into the (proverbial) sunset together. Oh, he's also uncomfortable seeing Carol breastfeed, but he has no problem drinking the breast milk later on in the episode.

Chandler: is weird about seeing Carol breastfeed. He's disgusted about all the drinking of the breast milk. He talks to cowboy Joey about his perfume spritzing issues. Chandler tells Joey that they'll always be some sort of competition, no matter the job, and that he shouldn't give up.

• I'm bothered by Monica and Rachel. I realize this wouldn't be much of an episode unless Monica acted the way she does, but lying always makes things thousands of times worse. Rachel would've still been mad, of course, but to me it's the sneaking around that's bad. I think if Monica was honest about it, Rachel would've been upset, but gotten over it much quicker. And, jeez, if you're going to lie, at least make an effort at lying well.
  

• The Hombre Man's voice is like Christian Bale's Batman voice.
  

I'm not sure I'm a fan. Rocking that cologne holster, though.

• Emily Procter is currently Calleigh Duquesne on "CSI: Miami', but she was also Ainsley Hayes on "The West Wing".

This is only notable in the way that Ainsley is one of my favorite characters on that show. The first time she meets President Bartlet she's wearing a bath robe and singing "Blame it on the Bossa Nova." Awesome.

• I'm not vomit inducingly grossed out by people testing the breast milk. The whole thing where all the guys drink from a glass of fat thinking it's cider is disgusting, but not this.

Actually, I change my mind. Eating Oreos with breast milk is highly unappetizing.

• I'm quite fond of the moment when Joey comes into the apartment in his cowboy costume and Chandler's like an old west bartender guy.
  

"Gimme a box of juice." John Wayne couldn't have said it better himself.

Oh. My. God.

"You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back." -Chandler, being uncomfortable about Carol breastfeeding.

"We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?" -Chandler, running away from the breastfeeding.

"Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?" -Joey, asking Carol about breastfeeding.

"Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship." -Chandler, warning Monica about shopping betrayal.

"Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs."
"You bought boobs?" -Phoebe and Rachel, having a misunderstanding as Phoebe tries to lie for Monica.

"Did you just say, 'Hi Jew'?" -Rachel, to Monica who is pretending she isn't talking to Julie.

"Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person." -Rachel, after Phoebe tastes the breast milk.

"Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?"
"Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it." -Phoebe and Ross, arguing over the breast milk.

"Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike." -Chandler, discussing the tasting of the breast milk.

"These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin." -Joey, after the Hombre Man gets in trouble.

"What a manipulative bitch." -Rachel, after having a talk with Julie.

TOW: Ross's New Girlfriend

Rachel: is still waiting for Ross to get off the plane at the airport. She sees Ross with his arms around Julie and runs away before Ross sees her. She can't get by all the people and when she tries to go over the seats, she trips and hits her head. Ross witnesses the fall. Rachel is freaking out and weird with Julie, talking as though Julie can't understand English. Rachel comes running into the apartment, telling Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe about Julie and Ross. Rachel makes Chandler talk to Ross about Julie and finds out that Ross really likes Julie. Julie calls Ross at the apartment one night and Rachel freaks, leaving. She spends the night with Paolo because she's so upset. Joey tells her that she should just tell Ross how she feels. She calls Ross out to the balcony. She starts by saying she isn't getting back with Paolo. Ross tells her she deserves a guy who really loves being with her, like he feels with Julie. Rachel can't tell him how she feels.

Ross: is baffled by Rachel's appearance at the airport, but he goes along with it, even when Rachel is being really strange. He has no idea that Rachel knows he was in love with her. He and Julie knew each other in grad. school and she was in charge of the dig in China. He's pleased with his new relationship, introducing Julie to his friends and talking about her all the time. He tells Chandler that he took his advice and was moving on from Rachel, and that Julie made him happy. He and Julie are all mushy together. He's oblivious to the fact that Rachel is insanely jealous. When Rachel calls him to the balcony, he finally says that he hates Paolo. He tells Rachel she could do so much better and deserves a guy who really loves and appreciates her.

Monica: deals with the disappointment about Ross and Rachel getting together. She tries to be there for Rachel, who is horribly upset, and Ross, who is on cloud nine about his new relationship. She notices that Chandler and Joey got haircuts and she learns that Phoebe did it for them. After mentioning it several times, she talks Phoebe into cutting her hair. Monica winces every time Phoebe takes a snip. Monica wanted her hair cut like Demi Moore's, but Phoebe cuts it like Dudley Moore's. Monica spends the rest of the episode upset about her hair. Chandler and Ross tease her about having a Dudley Moore haircut.

Phoebe: gives the Season 1, Ross and Rachel recap to start the show off. She gets roped into cutting Monica's hair, despite the fact she really doesn't want to because she knows how anal and controlling Monica is. Of course, then she gets Demi and Dudley Moore confused and it's a whole big mess. After the haircut disaster, Phoebe talks to Rachel, Ross, and Joey as though Monica is a patient in the hospital and Phoebe is a doctor giving updates on her condition. She also manages to insult Ross's haircut. At the end of the episode, Julie asks Phoebe to cut her hair. Julie wants her hair cut like Andie MacDowell's. To make sure Phoebe has the actor correct, she asks Rachel if Andie MacDowell was the girl in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral.' Rachel tells her that Andie MacDowell is the guy from 'Planet of the Apes.'

Chandler: is in trouble with Rachel after Ross gets off the plane with Julie. He talks to Ross for Rachel, finding out that Ross is happy with Julie. He also needs a tailor because he has to get some pants altered. Joey recommends Frankie, the guy who does tailoring work for him and his dad. Chandler goes to Frankie and is, well, molested. Chandler tells Joey about Frankie's inappropriate behavior.

Joey: encourages Rachel to tell Ross how she feels. He's horrified to learn that that, is in fact, not how you measure pants He worries that he's been touched inappropriately by other people, such as doctors. He calls his dad and tells him about Frankie.

• I've always felt bad for Rachel. She does act like a spaz, but I can't really blame her for freaking. That's not to say that I don't like Julie, because I do. The writers made Julie admirably difficult to dislike. It would've been so cliche for Julie to be a bitch, but generally she's very nice, which makes it more difficult for the Ross-Rachel-Julie triangle to be easily unraveled.
  

• I love this picture.
  

• I don't know how I feel about the introduction of the haircuts. It's obvious when Chandler and Joey first appear that their hair is different. It's disconcerting because the action of this episode takes place, like, an hour and a half after the season one finale. I'm not sure if I like that they draw attention to it so blatantly. I really wouldn't have liked it if they hadn't mentioned it all, but it's...too...I don't know...deliberate, maybe. I'm befuddled. I need to stop thinking about this.
  

• This is one of my favorite episodes! There are several moments throughout the series that I love, but there are only a handful of episodes that I enjoy with an irritating abundance and this is one of them! It's the Ross-Rachel-Julie love triangle and Joey's tailor--I just adore it.
  

• Haircut confusion breakdown:

Demi Moore

Dudley Moore

I don't know anything about cutting hair and I definitely wouldn't want to be trusted with a pair of scissors so close to someone's head, but...I'd think it'd be an easy fix for Phoebe to cut Monica's hair shorter, like Demi Moore's. Maybe not. Also, Monica specifically mentions Demi Moore's hair in 'Ghost,' which was short, like in the picture, but Monica says that the Dudley Moore hair is too short...Confused.

Andie MacDowell

Roddy McDowall, the guy from 'Planet of the Apes.'

• Joey's tailor. Another best moment ever.
  

The way this moment makes me feel is indescribable. Oh, Joey. Poor, naive, Joey. You wouldn't believe the myriad uses of the phrases, "Joey's tailor...took advantage of me!" and, "Yes. Yes it is. In PRISON!"

Oh. My. God.

" Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs." -Chandler, after Rachel rushes in from the airport, explaining about Ross and Julie.

"--And the chicken poops in her lap!." -Rachel, finishing Julie's story.

"I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-you-neck-fantastic?" -Rachel, about Ross and Julie running into each other again in China.

"Anybody know a good tailor?"
"Need some clothes altered?"
"No, no. I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk." -Chandler and Joey.

"You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!" -Chandler, to Joey as he tries to remember when he first went to Frankie (the tailor).

"What are you doing here?"
"I do Raquel." -Ross and Paolo.

"Your hair looks too good. I think it would just upset her. Ross, you come on in." -Phoebe, discussing who can come in and see Monica after the haircut disaster.

"When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me." -Rachel, explaining to Joey how she feels.

"I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with, like, a lot of people's share of women." -Joey, comforting Rachel.

"I swear to God, Dad. That's not how they measure pants." -Joey.

TOW: the Recap of Season 1

The idea of starting a 'Friends' blog buzzed around in my brain for about a year before I finally decided to actually do it. So far it's been a fairly rewarding, though surprisingly time consuming, endeavor. I can't believe I actually managed to finish the first season. I'm not the type to start things without finishing, but the idea of an episode every week day can be daunting. Luckily, I've got time to spare. Next week I'll start season two, but first, let's look back at the season that was....

My favorite episodes (in no particular order):

TOW: Two Parts, Part 2
With Monica and Rachel and Phoebe and Ursula switching identities several who's-who shenanigans occur. I never realized playing Scrabble could be so hilarious and so life-threatening. Plus, GEORGE CLOONEY!

TOW: the Stoned Guy
The WENUS, Ross has to learn to talk dirty, and Jon Lovitz. JON LOVITZ, I SAY!

TOW: the Birth
Carol has the baby. The sheer sweetness makes it imminently watchable.

TOW: Rachel Finds Out
Rachel finds out Ross loves her. What more could you want? Except for maybe no Julie, but that's neither here nor there.

My least favorite episodes:

TOW: the Monkey Gets Away
This really isn't a bad episode, but I've seen it too many times to be entertained. They showed it all the time on the local CBS affiliate when I was growing up. Blah.

TOW: Two Parts, Part 1
Seeing as the second part is one of my favorites, one probably wouldn't expect me to feel so meh about the first part, but really. Nothing happens in this episode! All the important stuff happens at the very end. We get into Ross's fear of fatherhood and Rachel falls off the balcony. Chandler's stuff is done by the end of the first part. I don't think it needed to be a two-part thing at all.

TOW: Mrs. Bing
I love Mrs. Bing. The Mrs. Bing/Ross stuff is awesome. But, ugh, coma guy.

TOW: the Blackout
Despite the Jill Goodacre, which almost, almost makes up for my lukewarm feelings towards this episode, I dont' like it. I hate Paolo and I've also seen this one almost as many times as TOW: the Monkey gets Away.

The Best Moments Ever:

Chandler's Pinocchio dance.
Sadly, the powers that be at YouTube removed the video. Sadness. :(

Chandler smoking at the office.

Freud!

Humming the 'Odd Couple' Theme.

Whistling.


The original video was removed as well, but I found another one. Yay!

The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

Chandler talking.

Best Quotes

"Aruba, this time of year...talk about your big LIZARDS!!" -Ross, episode 1.

"I personally could have a gallon of Alan." -Chandler, episode 3.

"Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?"
"Probably kill myself."
"...Excuse me?"
"Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live."
"Joey, uh, omnipotent."
"You are? Ross, I'm sorry." -Monica, Joey, and Ross, episode 4.

"Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me...I'm really not." -Chandler, episode 8.

"And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays?"
"Yes, every single one of them." -Monica and Chandler, episode 9.

"Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her 'heaving beasts'."
"What's a 'niffle'?"
"You usually find them on the heaving beasts." -Rachel, Monica, and Joey, episode 11.

"Yes, Fran, I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!" -Chandler, episode 14.

"Well, slap my ass and call me Judy!" -Steve, episode 14.

"The doctor got the 'k' out. He also found an 'm' and an 'o'."
"We think he was trying to spell out 'monkey'." -Ross and Chandler, episode 17.

"Call her! Stop being so testosterone-y."
"Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat." -Phoebe and Chandler, episode 20.

"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!" -Chandler, episode 23.

Big thanks to everyone who reads my little blog! I love the comments, as well. It's all much appreciated. Season Two on Monday!!

TOW: Rachel Finds Out

Rachel: still has no clue that Ross has feelings for her, even though it's really obvious. Before her birthday party, she goes out for drinks with a guy named Carl, unaware that Ross is leaving for China. Once home, she wants to open her presents. She gets an antique cameo pin from the absent Ross. She's surprised by Ross's gift because she'd mentioned the pin to him months ago. Phoebe mentions how expensive it must've been and it comes out that Ross is in love with her.She tries to catch him at the airport, but he's wearing headphones and Rachel can't get any closer to him. She gives the airport lady a message to give to Ross, but the lady gives the message to the wrong man. She doesn't know what to do or how she feels about Ross, but she says her gut instinct is that they'd be really good together.The night Ross is due back, Rachel has another date with Carl. She tells Monica that her dating Ross would be weird for the group; Monica attempts to convince Rachel that it won't matter. On the balcony with Carl (Tommy Blaze), Rachel imagines Ross there, telling her what a good idea it'd be for them to get together. After imaginary Ross kisses her, Rachel abandons Carl to pick Ross up at the airport. She arrives with flowers as people begin walking off the plane.

Chandler: tells Ross to give up on Rachel because nothing's happened between them. He agrees to give Rachel Ross's present. After Rachel opens Ross's expensive gift, Chandler mentions that Ross did the same sort of thing when he fell in love with Carol. Chandler tries to take it back, but the cat's out of the bag. He doesn't want Rachel to go to the airport the first time because he doesn't want Ross to know he told. He's glad when Rachel doesn't catch Ross. He doesn't want Rachel to go pick Ross up at the airport either, but is okay with it when Rachel tells him it's a good going to the airport.

Monica: likes the idea of Ross and Rachel together, but apparently had no clue her brother was in love with Rachel. After Rachel misses Ross at the airport they engage in a hypothetical discussion about the ramifications of dating Ross. Monica thinks it's a great idea they were friends first, but Phoebe disagrees. Monica kind of freaks when they talk about what'll happen if Ross and Rachel break up. It's Monica's behavior that makes Rachel think dating Ross isn't a great idea, but Monica tells her that it's not a big deal. She freaks out a little again when Carl comes over the night Ross is supposed to get back. Rachel tells Monica she can have the rest of her date with Carl when she decides to meet Ross at the airport.

Phoebe: is mostly supportive of the Rachel and Ross thing, but, like Monica, had no clue Ross had feelings for Rachel. Phoebe is a little concerned that Rachel and Ross were friends first. She believes that they've bypassed dating and are already at a relationship stage because of their friendship.

Ross: gazes longingly at Rachel when she leans on him to look at pictures of Ben. He comes to Rachel's party with a garment bag; he can't stay because he has to go to China for a bone for the museum. Monica and Phoebe tell him about Carl. He goes out to the balcony to talk to Chandler and Joey. He asks about Carl and they tell him to forget about Rachel. He gives Chandler his present for Rachel. He has no idea that Rachel is at the airport when he leaves. He comes back from China. As he walks off the plane, he helps a woman (Lauren Tom) who drops her bag. Then, he kisses the woman and talks about how excited he is to introduce her to his friends.

Joey: has very little to do with the Ross-Rachel thing. He's mostly concerned with the fertility study he's participating in for NYU. He gets paid $700 after two weeks, but he won't get paid if he has sex. He's been dating a woman, Melanie (Corinne Bohrer), and she wants to do it and Joey doesn't want to tell her what he's doing for NYU. At Rachel's party, Monica tells him that he should do other things with Melanie besides just sex. Melanie is really happy with how that works out for her and tells Joey he's as giving as a woman. Joey is surprised by how well he can please Melanie without having sex. As soon as he gets paid, Joey says he can't wait to have sex again.

• There's, like, no one at Rachel's party and they barbecue. Somehow that doesn't really seem like a party Rachel'd like.
  

• How would the people at NYU know if Joey'd had sex during the study? I mean, I guess if he couldn't,uh, make a deposit they'd know, but other than that...it's not like he couldn't just lie if asked about it.

• Meet Melanie

Frumpy, fruit basket making Melanie doesn't strike me as someone Joey'd be attracted to. Pretty much ever.

• Monica wears the date sweater from TOW: the Ick Factor again. What's with her and that sweater? I could start to hate it.
  

• I'm confused. Monica and Phoebe had no clue that Ross was in love with Rachel. How could they miss it?

Cause that's not at all obvious.
I can kind of see how Rachel would miss it, especially since it's something she never really considered, but Monica and Phoebe? C'mon! They'd totally notice.

• I hate this skirt.

The side panel, wrap, thing-y is absolutely mind boggling.

• Carl is like every bad stand-up comedian stereotype ever in the world.

Loser.

• Rachel waiting at the airport with her little bundle of flowers is so adorable. Poor Rachel.

• I heart the moment when Rachel learns Ross loves her. It's amazing.
  

I think I need to start randomly exclaiming "crystal duck!" in awkward situations.

Oh. My. God.

"Just a little extra air in my mouth." -Chandler, making a noise of disgust at Ross mooning over Rachel.

"Men are here!"
"We make fire. Cook meat."
"Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back." -Chandler and Joey, ready to barbecue.

"Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me."
"Crazy bitch." -Joey and Chandler, discussing Melanie and the fertility study.

"Go to China. Eat Chinese food."
"Course there they just call it food." -Joey and Chandler, about Ross's trip.

"No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee." -Chandler, on Ross loving Rachel.

"What about the time difference?"
"From here to the airport?"
"Yes!" -Chandler and Monica, on Rachel going to talk to Ross at the airport.

TOW: the Birth

Carol's having the baby!!

Ross: is a mixture of totally excited and absolutely freaked the hell out. When he, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica get to the hospital, Carol and Susan haven't arrived yet. Ross panics, worrying that the baby's being born in a cab. Carol and Susan arrive and there's already tension building between Susan and Ross. They go into the delivery room together and Ross and Susan begin bitching at one another. Susan mentions that they're naming the baby, "Jordie," but Ross didn't know about the name change. Ross and Susan argue over the name until Carol kicks them out. Ross and Susan get in a screaming fight in the hall until Phoebe finds them and drags them into a supply closet. Ross, Susan, and Phoebe get locked in. Susan and Ross keep fighting. They can't get anyone to let them out and finally Phoebe puts on coverall's, embroidered with the name "Ben," and they shove her into a vent. A janitor opens the door and Ross and Susan leave Phoebe hanging from the vent. They arrive just in time to watch the birth. After the baby's born, Ross, Susan, and Carol discuss names; Ross and Susan agree on Ben.

Phoebe: is the last of the group to arrive at the hospital. She brings her guitar. In the waiting room, she sings a little song about kids growing up to resent their parents. Ross pays her to stop singing. She comes upon Ross and Susan fighting in the hall and drags them into a supply closet to give them a talking to. They end up locked in. After listening to Susan and Ross argue for however long they're in the closet, Phoebe tells them that she's jealous because she wished her parents had cared enough about her to fight over her. Phoebe puts on some coverall's and climbs into the vent, only to be left hanging when a janitor opens the door. She watches from the ceiling as the baby is born.

Joey: says that if he ever has a kid, he'll be sitting in the waiting room, handing out cigars while his wife gives birth. He ends up getting into a conversation about who's better, the Knicks or the Celtics, with a pregnant girl, Lydia (Leah Remini). Lydia starts having a contraction and Joey looks for the father, but Lydia tells him there isn't one. Joey ends up with Lydia in the delivery room. Lydia talks to her mom on the phone, saying that she won't call the father. Joey asks where the father is and Lydia snaps at him. Joey tries to leave, but can't. He coach's Lydia as she gives birth. After her baby is born, Joey leaves and goes to the gift shop. When he comes back he sees Lydia talking to the father. He leaves a bunch of balloons tied on the doorknob and goes to Carol's room. He knows a lot about giving birth and freaks Chandler out.

Rachel: has the hots for Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau (Jonathan Silverman). She leaves the hospital and changes into a dress to impress him. When Ross and Susan are missing, she stays with Carol to flirt with Dr. Franzblau. She thinks things are going really well, but Franzblau says he doesn't date a lot because, by the end of the day, he's tired of, uh, lady parts, and it interferes with his dating.

Monica: really, really, really wants a baby and is jealous of all the people with babies. She talks to her mom who says that Ross's baby might be the only chance of being a grandmother she'll get. Monica's so happy to be an aunt.

Chandler: tries to comfort Monica. He tells her that if they aren't married by forty, they'll just marry each other. Monica wants to know what's wrong with her that she won't be married at that age. Mostly he just makes jokes. It's what Chandler's good at.

• Susan and Carol stop in the gift shop and Susan gets a 'Chunky.' I've never heard of such a thing in my life. I had to Wikipedia it. Apparently, it has raisins in it. Ick.
  

• Dr. Franzblau looks like a young Judd Nelson.

Franzblau


Nelson.
I think the similarities might all be in my head. Also, 'The Breakfast Club" is, like, one of the best movies of all time.

• Rachel's new outfit

I wouldn't want to sit around in a dress waiting for someone to give birth. No cute doctor is worth that misery.

• Leah Remini is so freaking little in this!

By 'little,' I mean young.
Joey's such a great guy.

• I think Jordie is a horrible name for a little boy.
  

• June Gable, the woman who plays Estelle, plays the nurse in this episode.
  

• I am not a maternally bent sort of girl. I believe heavily in the 'no babies ever' policy. Seriously, I'm about as maternal as Scarlett O'Hara. Nor am I a weepie sort of girl (not counting hormones or exhaustion), but this episode makes my eye area moisten a wee bit.

• I love Ross's little speech to the baby about going away sometimes, but always coming right back.
  

This looming thing freaks me the eff out. It's really funny for about a second and then I want it to stop. Just looking at this picture makes my spine tingle uncomfortably.

Oh.My.God

"Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the fifties." -Chandler, after Joey talks about handing out cigars in the waiting room.

"Let's get some coffee."
"Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that." -Monica and Chandler, in the waiting room.

"Shoot!...Or just fall down. That's good, too." -Joey, watching a basketball game.

"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!" -Chandler, after upsetting Monica about not being married when she's forty.

"Who the hell is Jordie?" -Ross, not realizing Carol and Susan changed their favorite baby name.

"Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along." -Susan, fighting with Ross.

"What're you gonna do? Suck the door open?" -Susan, after Ross grabs a vacuum in the supply closet.

"Oh, just had a baby." -Joey, telling Chandler where he's been.

"You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no...Lesbian Lover Day!"
"Every day is Lesbian Lover Day!" -Susan and Ross.

"Kinda like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jello." -Ross, telling Carol what the baby looks like.

"Susan, he looks just like you!" -Phoebe.

"I know. I still am one of these." -Chandler, about Ross having a baby.

TOW: the Ick Factor

Monica: dates a guy they call "Young Ethan." Ethan (Stan Kirsch) is a senior in college, but he thinks that Monica is only 22. They really like each other and Monica spends a long time cleaning and cooking before he comes over. She's so frantic that she can't remember what she made for dinner. That night she invites Ethan to stay over. Ethan tells her he's a virgin. They have sex. Monica tells Ethan that she's really 26. Ethan tells Monica he's only a senior in high school. Monica freaks out and tells him they can't see each other anymore. Ethan says he's falling in love with her, but it doesn't change Monica's mind. Ross, Joey, and Chandler make fun of her; they find out because Ethan's been calling and coming over. Ethan comes into Central Perk to talk to Monica. He says they're great together and should try again. Monica says she really likes him and if things were different she could really love him.

Chandler: has Phoebe come work as his secretary. He finds out that the people at work don't really like him and make fun of him, especially the way he talks. He really worries about it. He goes to an office birthday party he wasn't invited to, trying to be friends with everyone. Chandler has a really good time, but his employees still don't like him. Phoebe tells him to get over it because they like him as a boss, they just aren't his friends. He comes up on some people making fun of him at the water fountain and doesn't mind, even playing along a little, but tells Phoebe he's going to give them extra work.

Phoebe: teaches a 'massage yourself at home' seminar, which causes her to lose a lot of her massage clients. She's looking for work when she learns that Chandler needs a temporary secretary. She offers to fill in. On the first day, she has a hard time focusing. Phoebe tells Chandler that none of his employees like him. She gets ready to go to an office birthday party, which Chandler didn't know about. She tells him that he should go to the party and let everyone see what a great guy he is. At work, after the party, Phoebe tells Chandler they still don't like him, but they think he's a good boss.

Rachel: keeps having dirty dreams about the guys. In her first dream, she has sex with Chandler on the coffee table at Central Perk. The second dream she has a threesome with Chandler and Joey. She and Ross watch tv together one night and she falls asleep. She moans Ross's name.

Ross: is jealous when he learns that Rachel had a sex dream about Chandler. It gets even worse when he hears about the Joey and Chandler dream. Ross gets a pager so that Carol can let him know when she goes into labor. He keeps getting beeped because his number, 555-Jimbo, is close to 555-jumbo, a number for a male prostitute. He and Carol decide that when she's in labor she'll type in 9-1-1, so he knows it's the real thing and not, y'know, a solicitation. When Rachel falls asleep, he covers her up with an afghan before hearing her moan his name. He's elated and does a sort of celebratory jig, that ends with him falling on her and waking her up. They have a moment that's interrupted by Ross's pager. Carol's gone into labor.

Joey: doesn't have much to do this episode.

• Monica really can't pull of 22. She just can't. It's not that she doesn't look young enough, as far as, like, wrinkles and stuff go, it's her clothes. They don't look like what I'd expect a 22 year old to wear. It's like Joey trying to play 19. It's not going to happen.
  

And I'm really thinking that a 22 year old wouldn't wear this


On a date.

• The kid who plays Ethan always reminds me of this guy:

Shawn Hatosy, from cinematic gems such as 'The Faculty.' Which I really wanna watch now.

• Here's a burning question

What was Monica doing that ended up with her meeting and dating a high school kid?

• After several false alarms (and I'm imaging some severe disappointment for those trying to get a hold of Andre at 555-Jumbo), Ross gets the 9-1-1 page from Carol. He proceeds to fall over the back of the couch. Nice.

• Throughout this blog there have been what I like to call, best. moments. evarrr. In this very episode we have one of the moments that the best moments ever hope to be. Seriously, it's that good.
  

I'm going to walk around all day going "My scone! My scone!" I wish I were kidding.


Oh. My. God.

"I love it when we share." -Ross, learning about Rachel's dirty dream about Chandler.

"I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious." -Chandler, defending himself to Ross.

"Is it like for dinosaur emergencies? 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct!'" -Monica, making fun of Ross's pager.

"I don't perform those kinds of services."
"Services? Oh, services." -Ross and Joey, as Ross returns a page.

"No, believe me. You don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment." -Ross, to one of Andre's clients.

"My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states!" -Monica, after learning that Ethan is 17.

"Oh God, oh God, I'm like one of those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad." -Monica, on being a cougar.

"There were times when it wasn't even me." -Rachel, telling Chandler and Joey about her threesome dream.

"And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?" -Chandler, teasing Monica about Ethan.

"Ethan, It's, um, it's icky." -Monica, on why she and Ethan can't see each other anymore.

TOW: the Fake Monica

Monica: goes out to lunch with her mom. Monica gives the waiter her credit card, but it's declined. Someone stole Monica's credit card number. Monica looks at her statement and see's all the fun things the fake Monica's been doing, including taking classes at the New School. Monica calls the school to find out what classes she's taking so she can find who stole her credit card number. The class the woman is taking is a tap class. Monica goes and ends up paired with the fake Monica (Claudia Shear). Monica tells fake Monica her name is Monana. Monica and the girls take fake Monica to lunch and really like her. Monica starts spending a lot of time with fake Monica, getting kicked out of hotels and going to open casting calls for 'Cats.' Monica's also been skipping out on work. Monica and fake Monica crash an Embassy party and Monica comes home drunk. She gets a call from the credit card company, letting her know that the person who was using her credit card was arrested. Monica goes to see fake Monica in jail. The fake Monica tells her that she needs to go back to living her life.

Ross: has more problems with Marcel. Now the monkey is uncontrollably humping things. Ross takes Marcel to the vet and learns that the humping is because Marcel's reached sexual maturity and will become aggressive and violent. Ross tells Chandler and Joey he has to give Marcel up. Ross needs to get Marcel placed in a zoo, which becomes like getting a kid in to college. The ideal zoo is San Diego, but Ross doesn't think they'll get in there. Marcel gets rejected from the Scranton Zoo, and Ross is upset because that was their safety zoo. Ross interviews a man, Dr. Baldhara (Harry Shearer), who wants Marcel. Ross thinks Baldhara has a zoo, but he really fights exotic animals. Chandler and Joey run into Central Perk during the interview, telling Ross Marcel got in to San Diego. Ross has to say good-bye to Marcel at the airport.

Rachel and Phoebe: go to tap class with Monica to find the fake Monica. Rachel can tap dance really well. They pair up, leaving Monica by herself to get paired with the fake Monica. They all take fake Monica to lunch. Rachel starts getting really upset with Monica, especially when she comes home drunk in the afternoon and stops going to work. Phoebe gives Marcel a going away poem and Rachel gives him her Curious George doll.

Chandler and Joey: help Ross cope with having to give up Marcel. Joey's looking for a stage name and asks Chandler to help. Chandler supplies things like, "Joseph Stalin," which Joey actually tries to go by. At the end of the episode, Joey goes to an audition as Holden McGroin.

• If Monica's spending seventy bucks on a mop it's probably good that she gets out more. Just sayin.'
  

• I can't believe that Joey still listens to Chandler. Joseph Stalin? Seriously?? I hope his agent told him who Stalin was before he went on any auditions. Judging by the 'Holden McGroin' from the audition at the end, that's not likely.
  

• Monica and Phoebe are both dressed like they really think they're only going to be observing the dance class, but Rachel's already wearing clothes to workout in.
  

To join in with the class they have to find tap shoes in a communal extra shoe bucket. Ew.

• In TOW: the Monkey gets Away, it's clearly stated (multiple times, since it's the whole point of that episode) that Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. That being the case, how is Ross able to take him to the vet? A responsible veterinarian would most likely report the illegal animal and Ross. My hatred toward monkeys has nothing to do with how I feel about this. Not a thing. Swear.
  

• Joey and Chandler are really upset about Ross having to give Marcel up. I didn't realize they were that close to Marcel.
  

I know they're more upset for Ross, but everyone's just. so. sad.

• I pretty much agree with...well, everyone else about the fake Monica thing. She obviously didn't have it so great if she had to steal Monica's identity. Speaking of which, I really wanna know fake Monica's real name and, like, why she stole the credit card number in the first place. It's not really the point of the episode, I just hate not knowing things.
  

• I want to be delighted by drunk Monica.

But, really, I just find it irritating.

• Despite my general disgust, it's quite heartbreaking when the flight attendant takes Marcel away.
  

• The moral of this episode: monkey humping things=hilarious.
  

Oh. My. God.

" I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind." -Ross, talking with Monica about her credit card statement.

"Well, that's what we said about Joey..." -Chandler, about Marcel's humping phase.

"Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious." -Rachel, after Marcel got frisky with her stuffed animal.

"Oh yes! 'Bye Bye Birdie' starring Joseph Stalin! Joseph Stalin is 'The Fiddler on the Roof'!" -Chandler, trying out the stage name he suggests for Joey.

"You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class." -the Teacher, when Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe arrive.

"Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare." -Monica, thinking she has to be paired with the dance teacher.

"She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?" -Chandler, responding to Ross saying he went to the vet.

"Ah, your own brand of vigilante justice." -Chandler, learning that the girls took the fake Monica to lunch.

"What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer." -Ross, again about the lunch.

"...Take off their hats!"
"Popes in a Volkswagen!" -Chandler and Phoebe, it's, like, joke trivia.

"See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him."
"I'd say the chair's taking the brunt." -Ross and Phoebe, after Marcel doesn't get in to Scranton and humps a chair.

"You know there already is a Joseph Stalin!" -Joey.

"I'm--I'm Monana!" -Monica, coming home drunk and arguing with Rachel.

"Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?" -Fake Monica, while Monica visits her in jail.

"Marcel, I'm hungry." -Joey, telling Marcel how he feels.

"Marcel, this is for you. It's,uh, just, y'know, something to do on the plane." -Rachel, giving Marcel her Curious George.