The One Hundredth

Phoebe: arrives at the hospital, announcing to the receptionist that babies are coming out of her. The receptionist takes her information, then Phoebe asks if contractions hurt. The receptionist hesitates, giving Phoebe the answer she didn't want. The receptionist asks after the father, allowing Phoebe to announce that she's having her brother's babies (for the thousandth time. Really, it never does get old). Joey has a camcorder, because he wants to make a tape for the babies. Phoebe asks them not to hurt her too much. Phoebe has the gang to call Frank, Alice, and Phoebe Two, letting them know she's gone into labour. Phoebe learns that her doctor fell in the shower. She freaks out, but Rachel assures her that the attending doctor is the head of the department, and very good. Phoebe has her first contraction, but it doesn't hurt too badly. She thinks Joey's having sympathy pains when he doubles over. Phoebe's at first very impressed by Doctor Harad (Sam Anderson), that is until he announces his love for the Fonz. Frank runs in the room, telling everyone that Alice is in Delaware, but will be there soon. Until she arrives, Frank is going to coach Phoebe. Phoebe has another contraction; this one hurts. She gets a little irritated with Joey, thinking he's trying to steal her thunder with his 'sympathy pains'. The doctor comes back to the room, they talk more about the Fonz, ascertaining that it is, in fact, the one played by Henry Winkler on Happy Days. Once the doctor leaves, Phoebe demands Ross get her a new one. Ross brings in a new doctor, one who doesn't care one way or the other about the Fonz. There's one problem, the new doctor (T.J. Thyne) is incredibly young. Phoebe refuses to let him be her doctor, and makes him cry. She confides to Rachel that she'd like to keep one of the babies, hoping that Rachel will talk to Frank for her. Rachel attempts to talk her out of it, but Phoebe's made up her mind. Phoebe ends up with the Fonz loving doctor again. The babies will be coming soon, but Alice hasn't made it back yet. Frank asks if Phoebe can hold them in a little longer. The doctor asks everyone, but Frank to leave the room. Phoebe has the first boy, which Frank runs out to the waiting room to announce. After Frank Jr. Jr., Phoebe doesn't want to have anymore, but obviously doesn't have a choice. Next comes Leslie, who Frank announces excitedly, with a small amount of panic. Finally comes Chandler, who is unexpectedly a girl. Frank announces this, too. After the delivery, the gang is gathered around Phoebe, holding the babies. Rachel comes back in the delivery room, having to tell Phoebe that Frank and Alice aren't going to let her have one of the babies. Phoebe's disappointed, but expected as much. She asks to be alone with the babies. Once everyone is gone, Phoebe holds them, and tells them how much she loves them, and will miss them. All the people she talked to about having babies said the delivery was the hardest part, but for Phoebe, giving them up is the worst. She's okay with being the favorite aunt, though. She cries.

Joey: brings a video camera to document the birth of the babies. Once in the delivery room, he starts filming, but doubles up in pain. He doesn't know the cause of it, but it's over nearly as soon as it starts, so he doesn't spend a lot of time worrying. He's okay for a considerable amount of time, making dirty jokes about the nurses Rachel and Monica have dates with, and filming the front page of USA Today for the babies. He also brought a Playboy tucked into the newspaper, so the boy babies' could get a head start on their sexual education. Ross asks where Monica and Rachel are, and Joey starts explaining about the nurses. During this discussion, he's again overwhelmed by pain. At one point, he leaves the delivery room to go to the gift shop. He exits the elevator after his shopping trip, and doubles over with pain. He hurts so badly that he attempts (half-heartedly) to steal an old man's wheelchair. Joey ends up getting seen by a doctor (Iqbal Theba), who diagnoses kidney stones. Joey's admitted to the hospital because of his kidney stones: Monica's with him. Ross comes in, too, after hearing about Joey's problem. The doctor goes over Joey's treatment options; the stones are too close to the bladder to do the normal procedure, so they can either let the stones pass, or send something up Joey's urethra. Joey's not having anything to do with the up the urethra business, and this is even before he knows what the urethra is. Ross stays with Joey the whole time he deals with his kidney stone issues. Joey passing the stones and Phoebe giving birth are showed to happen simultaneously. Once Joey passes his stones, the doctor gives them to him in a small glass vial. Ross and Joey kind of coo at them.

Rachel: gets herself and Monica dates with some cute male nurses. Monica's not exactly interested, but Rachel says it's helping her get over Ross. She spends a considerable amount of time in the delivery room with Phoebe. During one of these times, Rachel tells Phoebe how great it is she's having Frank and Alice's babies. Phoebe admits to wanting to keep one, and begs Rachel to ask Frank. Rachel thinks it's a horrible idea, and tries to convince Phoebe that it's never going to work out, and it's unfair of her to ask. Phoebe won't take 'no' for an answer. Later on, Phoebe asks Rachel if she's had a chance to ask Frank. Rachel hasn't asked yet, because she and Frank haven't been alone together. Phoebe reminds her that they're kinda limited on time. The Fonz-lover comes in, and Rachel makes small-talk by mentioning she always liked Mork. The Fonz-lover nearly has a conniption because Mork froze the Fonz. Rachel hurriedly mumbles some stuff about the Fonz's innate coolness to placate the doctor. After this incident, Rachel ends up alone in the waiting room for Frank. She learns that, instead of being scared of having three babies, he's very excited. After the babies are born, she's forced to give Phoebe the bad news. Even though Phoebe knew it probably wouldn't happen, it's still very hard for Rachel to say it and Phoebe to hear it.

Monica and Chandler: are late getting to the hospital. Ross asks where they've been, and Monica says she had to go back upstairs because she forgot her jacket. One problem, she's not wearing a jacket, and didn't bring one to the hospital. When Rachel tells Monica about the dates, Monica's not very excited. She tries to get out of it, but Rachel won't take no for an answer. Chandler's not around to hear any of this, but Joey does. Chandler's in the delivery room with Ross and Joey, when Ross asks where Monica and Rachel disappeared to. Joey tells them about the male nurses. Chandler's shocked. Chandler goes to find Monica. Once he does, he tells her he's okay with her dating a nurse; that they were just 'goofing around'. Monica'd been looking for Chandler, to tell him she wasn't going to go on the date. Since they're just 'goofing around' though, Monica's changed her mind about it. Later, in the delivery room again, Rachel introduces Monica to one of the nurses, Dan (Patrick Fabian) they're going on the date with. Monica acts really pleased to meet him, and Chandler gets jealous. He starts teasing Dan about being a nurse. It turns out that that Dan is nursing to pay for med. school, and did nursing in the Gulf War. Chandler's really embarrassed. Monica asks Dan if they can move their date up to the next evening, instead of Saturday. The Dan agrees. Chandler asks out a nurse of his own, but is quickly turned down. After the delivery, Monica and Chandler talk about their relationship. Chandler explains his definition of 'goofing around', saying that Monica might've gotten the wrong idea. She decides to cancel her date.

Ross: is quite the Boy Scout this episode. He helps Phoebe in the delivery room, making phone calls, encouraging her, placating her about the Fonz-lover, finding her a new doctor... all kinds of fun stuff. He ends up helping Joey through the kidney stone passage.

• You guys, this is the ONE HUNDREDTH EPISODE! That means I've done ONE HUNDRED episode posts!!! I can't believe it. I'm a bit overwhelmed.

• "I'm having my brother's babies" really never gets old.
  

Neither does the hat box Rachel carries. I want one.

• Note to Monica: when you're having a secret affair with one of your best friends, you gotta get better at lying.

• I'd be really freaked out if my doctor couldn't make it to my delivery. It's the person you're accustomed to, and you trust them.

• It just has to be said, the Fonz is cool. I'm not saying that I espouse the doctrine of the Fonz, like Dr. Harad does, but I get it. Actually, I think Henry Winkler's cool, and he imbued the character with his natural awesomeness. Hasn't anyone else ever watched Scream and thought, "Oh my God, they murdered Fonzie!"?

• Rachel's wearing mom jeans!

1998 is crying out for low-rise jeans. Seriously.

• Y'know, they say that the pain of passing a kidney stone for a man is the equivalent of giving birth.

• I wish with all my heart that the really young doctor was played by Neil Patrick Harris. That'd be such a crazy random happenstance!
  

• There's, like, a weird sexual vibe between Ross and Joey when Joey's thrashing about in kidney stone pain.
  

Maybe it's just me.

• Phoebe wanting to keep a baby is at once delusional and heart-breaking.

• I think the jealous-Chandler thing is awesome. It's really great to see he and Monica discussing the terms of their fledgling relationship.

• When I was really little, I used to watch an inordinate amount of Nick at Night. Mork and Mindy was my favorite. I don't know why.

• Joey and Ross get all misty eyed over the kidney stones.

• I've always wondered how long Phoebe was in labor. Over twelve hours, I'm thinking.

• Of all the people in the world you'd want in the delivery room with you, Frank Jr. is not one of them.

Wuppah!!

• Chandler's a girl!

This picture makes me go, "Aww, wook at the wittle babbies!!!"

• It kinda sucks that Alice missed the birth of her babies.

• Phoebe's so sad. This is another one that always makes me cry.

• There are a lot of familiar faces in this episode. Dr. Harad is played by the guy who played Bernard on Lost. Joey's doctor is Principal Figgins on Glee. The nurse, Dan, played a villain in an episode of Pushing Daisies.

Oh. My. God.

"I'm, umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me." -Phoebe, to the hospital receptionist.

"Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother." -Phoebe, to the receptionist.

"I gotta get the before shot!" -Joey, trying to stick his video camera under Phoebe's skirt.

"That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out of your vagina!" -Phoebe, to Ross, when he tries to comfort her after she learns that her doctor isn't coming.

"I didn't know I cared that much." -Joey, to Phoebe, after she says his pain must be sympathy pain.

"And also, I love Fonzie." -Dr. Harad.

"But don't worry, she told me all about the lamazda stuff."

"Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing." -Frank and Chandler.

"Grandma's chicken salad..." -Joey, making something mundane dirty.

"I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder." -Phoebe, to Frank, about Joey's pain.

"This--this Fonzie person you keep referring to, is that uh, is that another doctor?"

"Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzarelli. The Fonz." -Chandler and Dr. Harad.

"To be fair, he doesn't seem to be impersonating Fonzie..." -Ross, placating Phoebe.

"He has no strong feelings about Fonzie, or any of the Happy Days gang." -Ross, to Phoebe, about her new doctor.

"Ohhh, I'm gonna be on the news!" -Rachel, learning that Phoebe wants to keep one of the babies.

"Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie." -Dr. Harad, after Rachel makes the mistake of saying she liked Mork.

"Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do." -Phoebe, after Frank asks her to hold the babies in until Alice gets there.

"So Dan, nurse not a doctor, huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?" -Chandler, being threatened by Dan.

"Yes, it has a head!" -Frank, during the first delivery.

"I already had a baby. Leave me alone." Phoebe, after she has Frank Jr. Jr.

"Chandler's a girl!" -Frank, after baby Chandler turns out to be a girl.

"They're so small!!" -Joey, about his kidney stones.

"Well, if you're gonna cry." -Phoebe, to the babies, being sad.

"That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?"

"Works on you." -Phoebe and Chandler, about how Frank and Alice are keeping the name Chandler.

TOW: the Birth

Carol's having the baby!!

Ross: is a mixture of totally excited and absolutely freaked the hell out. When he, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica get to the hospital, Carol and Susan haven't arrived yet. Ross panics, worrying that the baby's being born in a cab. Carol and Susan arrive and there's already tension building between Susan and Ross. They go into the delivery room together and Ross and Susan begin bitching at one another. Susan mentions that they're naming the baby, "Jordie," but Ross didn't know about the name change. Ross and Susan argue over the name until Carol kicks them out. Ross and Susan get in a screaming fight in the hall until Phoebe finds them and drags them into a supply closet. Ross, Susan, and Phoebe get locked in. Susan and Ross keep fighting. They can't get anyone to let them out and finally Phoebe puts on coverall's, embroidered with the name "Ben," and they shove her into a vent. A janitor opens the door and Ross and Susan leave Phoebe hanging from the vent. They arrive just in time to watch the birth. After the baby's born, Ross, Susan, and Carol discuss names; Ross and Susan agree on Ben.

Phoebe: is the last of the group to arrive at the hospital. She brings her guitar. In the waiting room, she sings a little song about kids growing up to resent their parents. Ross pays her to stop singing. She comes upon Ross and Susan fighting in the hall and drags them into a supply closet to give them a talking to. They end up locked in. After listening to Susan and Ross argue for however long they're in the closet, Phoebe tells them that she's jealous because she wished her parents had cared enough about her to fight over her. Phoebe puts on some coverall's and climbs into the vent, only to be left hanging when a janitor opens the door. She watches from the ceiling as the baby is born.

Joey: says that if he ever has a kid, he'll be sitting in the waiting room, handing out cigars while his wife gives birth. He ends up getting into a conversation about who's better, the Knicks or the Celtics, with a pregnant girl, Lydia (Leah Remini). Lydia starts having a contraction and Joey looks for the father, but Lydia tells him there isn't one. Joey ends up with Lydia in the delivery room. Lydia talks to her mom on the phone, saying that she won't call the father. Joey asks where the father is and Lydia snaps at him. Joey tries to leave, but can't. He coach's Lydia as she gives birth. After her baby is born, Joey leaves and goes to the gift shop. When he comes back he sees Lydia talking to the father. He leaves a bunch of balloons tied on the doorknob and goes to Carol's room. He knows a lot about giving birth and freaks Chandler out.

Rachel: has the hots for Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau (Jonathan Silverman). She leaves the hospital and changes into a dress to impress him. When Ross and Susan are missing, she stays with Carol to flirt with Dr. Franzblau. She thinks things are going really well, but Franzblau says he doesn't date a lot because, by the end of the day, he's tired of, uh, lady parts, and it interferes with his dating.

Monica: really, really, really wants a baby and is jealous of all the people with babies. She talks to her mom who says that Ross's baby might be the only chance of being a grandmother she'll get. Monica's so happy to be an aunt.

Chandler: tries to comfort Monica. He tells her that if they aren't married by forty, they'll just marry each other. Monica wants to know what's wrong with her that she won't be married at that age. Mostly he just makes jokes. It's what Chandler's good at.

• Susan and Carol stop in the gift shop and Susan gets a 'Chunky.' I've never heard of such a thing in my life. I had to Wikipedia it. Apparently, it has raisins in it. Ick.
  

• Dr. Franzblau looks like a young Judd Nelson.

Franzblau


Nelson.
I think the similarities might all be in my head. Also, 'The Breakfast Club" is, like, one of the best movies of all time.

• Rachel's new outfit

I wouldn't want to sit around in a dress waiting for someone to give birth. No cute doctor is worth that misery.

• Leah Remini is so freaking little in this!

By 'little,' I mean young.
Joey's such a great guy.

• I think Jordie is a horrible name for a little boy.
  

• June Gable, the woman who plays Estelle, plays the nurse in this episode.
  

• I am not a maternally bent sort of girl. I believe heavily in the 'no babies ever' policy. Seriously, I'm about as maternal as Scarlett O'Hara. Nor am I a weepie sort of girl (not counting hormones or exhaustion), but this episode makes my eye area moisten a wee bit.

• I love Ross's little speech to the baby about going away sometimes, but always coming right back.
  

This looming thing freaks me the eff out. It's really funny for about a second and then I want it to stop. Just looking at this picture makes my spine tingle uncomfortably.

Oh.My.God

"Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the fifties." -Chandler, after Joey talks about handing out cigars in the waiting room.

"Let's get some coffee."
"Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that." -Monica and Chandler, in the waiting room.

"Shoot!...Or just fall down. That's good, too." -Joey, watching a basketball game.

"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!" -Chandler, after upsetting Monica about not being married when she's forty.

"Who the hell is Jordie?" -Ross, not realizing Carol and Susan changed their favorite baby name.

"Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along." -Susan, fighting with Ross.

"What're you gonna do? Suck the door open?" -Susan, after Ross grabs a vacuum in the supply closet.

"Oh, just had a baby." -Joey, telling Chandler where he's been.

"You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no...Lesbian Lover Day!"
"Every day is Lesbian Lover Day!" -Susan and Ross.

"Kinda like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jello." -Ross, telling Carol what the baby looks like.

"Susan, he looks just like you!" -Phoebe.

"I know. I still am one of these." -Chandler, about Ross having a baby.