TOW: the Princess Leia Fantasy

Alternate title: JOEY AND JANICE'S DAY OF FUN!!!!

Ross and Rachel: Ross and Rachel are having breakfast at Monica and Rachel's. They discuss what they think is the most romantic song and try to help Monica deal with her breakup with Richard. Monica drops a clump of Richard's drain hair into Ross's cereal. Ross and Rachel are in bed, Ross is working, but Rachel wants attention. She asks if he still has the Navy uniform (no) and if he has any sexual fantasies. At first he says no, but when Rachel says she might do it, he tells her about the Princess Leia in the gold bikini thing. Rachel tells Phoebe and Phoebe teases Ross about it. Ross and Rachel fight about her sharing too much. Rachel says that's what girls do and didn't realize that guys don't share like that. Rachel thinks it's sad that guys don't share. Ross tells Chandler and they decide to share stuff. Chandler shares too much when he admits to unintentionally picturing his mom during sex. Ross is really grossed out. Rachel puts on the costume, but Ross can't enjoy it because he's picturing his mom.

Chandler: gets serious about Janice. She makes pancakes. She and Chandler are really gross together. Joey keeps asking when he's going to break up with Janice, but Chandler says he isn't. Chandler has three tickets to a Rangers game and invites Joey. Joey's excited until he learns Janice is coming. Chandler and Joey fight because Chandler realizes Joey doesn't like Janice. Chandler tells Janice. Chandler asks everyone in Central Perk what they think of Janice, but doesn't get an answer because Monica interrupts. Ross talks to him about sharing and they decide to tell each other things. Chandler tells Ross that when he's with a girl he pictures all these women, but inevitably pictures his mom. He can't stop having sex, but he also can't stop visualizing his mom. Ross banishes him from the couch and says they can know longer share things. He's pleased when Joey and Janice spend time together, even though Joey still doesn't like her.

Joey: doesn't like Janice. He's really, really irritated by her and can't wait for Chandler to break up with her. He's horrified when Janice is there in the morning and has made pancakes; he refuses to eat any. When Chandler says he isn't breaking up with Janice, Joey goes to Monica and Rachel's and asks for advice. Everyone thinks they should accept it because Chandler's serious about her. Joey's excited about going to the hockey game until he learns Janice will be there. He and Chandler discuss Joey's feelings for Janice and Chandler's upset about it. Janice comes by when Joey is home alone and tells him that Chandler told her how Joey felt. She's decided they have to spend the whole day together to get to know one another (JOEY AND JANICE'S DAY OF FUN). Joey goes out with her and he acts like he had a good time when he and Janice come back to his apartment. Joey tells Chandler he still doesn't like her, but Chandler's glad he at least tried.

Monica: mopes after her breakup with Richard. She hasn't slept in days and gets really excited when she finds a ball of Richard's hair caught in the sink drain. She thinks about keeping it. Everyone tries to help her, but she's too sad. Ross finds Monica outside of a Chinese food restaurant and brings her into Central Perk. They learn she hasn't been going to work. She attempts meditation with Phoebe, but to no avail. Monica ends up crying outside Central Perk with a huge box in her arms. She went to the post office and had received some Civil War videos she'd ordered for Richard. She watches the videos and smokes one of his cigars she found on the balcony. Her dad comes by to check on her because he saw Richard. Mr. Geller tells her that Richard isn't doing too good and that makes Monica feel better. She falls asleep as her dad tells her a boring story.

Phoebe: talks to Rachel and Ross about the most romantic song. Her favorite is the one where Elton John sings "hold me closer young Tony Danza." Rachel tells Phoebe about Ross's Princess Leia thing and Phoebe informs her that that's a common fantasy for guys their age. Phoebe puts some buns on her head like Princess Leia's hair when Ross comes in. Phoebe helps Monica meditate to forget Richard, but it doesn't work.

• I have, like, major love for this episode.
  

• At the very beginning, the gang walks into Central Perk and the couch and chairs are occupied. They leave.

There's something wrong with this. And not just because people had the audacity to take their seats. What's up with Monica? She's supposed to be agonizing.

• When I hear "Tiny Dancer" on the radio, I sing it the way Phoebe does.
  

• Another alternate title for this episode: Attack of the Killer Ties:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

• Oh, Phoebe, I adore you.

• I'll say it once more "JOEY AND JANICE'S DAY OF FUN!!" I like yelling that at random quiet moments.
  

• I feel bad for Monica. I think it was the right thing for her to break up with Richard, but it's still sad to see her caressing drain hair (ewww).
  

• This is, really, one of the best (and most frightening) things I've seen in all my life.

• Foreshadowing alert: When Ross and Chandler share they talk about the hot girl from the copy place.
  

• I'm always just a little shocked about what Chandler shares. He just puts his Oedipal issues all right out on the table. Then again, I guess he doesn't realize it's not a common thing, but still.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that." -Chandler, when Joey thinks he's made pancakes.

"Ooh. Oh. It looks like--like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal." -Phoebe, after Monica drops Richard's drain hair in Ross's cereal.

"I think I have an old band uniform from high school."
"You remember not having sex in high school, right?" -Ross and Rachel, about uniforms.

"Yeah, that's the moment when--when, y'know, she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, y'know." -Phoebe, on Princess Leia in the gold bikini

"I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! Don't worry, those are the right letters." -Chandler, talking to Joey about his feelings for Janice.

"Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her." -Joey, on Janice.

"Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!" -Chandler, to Joey after their fight; Joey'd been watching Wheel of Fortune.

"Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?"
"Uh, honey, yeah, that was with Carol." -Ross and Rachel, discussing what she shares with the girls.

"Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me."
"Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room." - Joey and Janice, before the DAY OF FUN.

"Look it's Weepie! The mime who cares too much." -Chandler, upon seeing Monica crying outside Central Perk.

"Girth."
"Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why why, why would they do this?" -Ross and Chandler, sharing.

"We're not gonna talk about girth are we?"
"Noo." -Chandler and Ross, still sharing.

"So it's kinda like, you're, y'know. Y'know... You don't know!!" -Chandler, sharing about his mom.

"I said 'share' not 'scare.' Go sit over there!" -Ross, after Chandler's mom thing.

"Really?"
"Oh yeah, I always picture your mom when I'm having sex." -Chandler and Joey, still the mom thing.

"I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life." -Ross, picturing Mrs. Geller in the gold bikini.

TOW: Barry and Mindy's Wedding

Rachel and Ross: Rachel is Mindy's maid-of-honor. She tries on the dress and it's horrible. Big and ugly and pink. She's worried about looking awful, but everyone tells her she looks good. There's also a pink, wide brimmed, straw hat. She and Ross are at the wedding, it's about to start. Rachel went to the bathroom and starts freaking out a little because she sees the window she crawled out of at her wedding. She thinks she shouldn't be there, but Ross comforts her and she feels better. Ross goes into church and Rachel prepares to walk in with the other bride's maids. The back of her dress is tucked in her underwear. Rachel is humiliated. Ross didn't tell her about her dress, Barry's uncle does. She tells Ross this is her most embarrassing moment, even worse than when she had to sing "Copacabana" in front of the whole school and ran out after the first two lines. Guests keep coming up to Rachel saying "they're glad to see her back on her feet." Barry tells Rachel his parents told people that Rachel ran out of their wedding because she was insane because she had syphilis. Barry's best-man (Peter Spears) makes a speech where he makes fun of Rachel. Ross makes his own speech defending Rachel. Instead of making things better, Ross humiliates her more. Rachel starts to leave and Barry makes a snide remark about taking bets on when she'd walk out. Rachel makes a speech and sings "Copacabana." Ross feels bad for not kissing Joey to help get a role. He storms into Chandler and Joey's and kisses Joey.

Chandler and Phoebe: Chandler joins the group in Monica and Rachel's and they all notice he's wearing the same clothes as he did the day before. Chandler says he was up all night chatting to a woman on the internet. He's really in to his internet woman. She calls him on his sarcastic, defensive thing and Chandler stops doing it for awhile. The gang's a little creeped out. Phoebe hangs out with Chandler while he's having an internet date. She starts talking about how the woman might be old, or ugly, or even a man. She and Chandler think of ways to find out the truth without coming out and asking. The internet woman turns out to be married. Chandler's really upset and stops talking to her. Phoebe wants Chandler to not give up and tries to talk him into it. The internet woman asks if she and Chandler can meet. Phoebe convinces Chandler to meet her, even though she's married. Chandler sets up a date in Central Perk, the whole gang is there. He anxiously waits for his mystery lady to walk in. She does. It's Janice. He kisses her. The group is stunned. Phoebe kisses Joey as practice for an audition.

Monica: becomes curious about her future with Richard. Phoebe teases her about Richard and Monica acts like she doesn't need to know if Richard sees himself with her in the future. She comes clean, saying the real reason is that she's terrified to ask Richard about the future. She and Richard babysit Ben and Monica asks about the future. Richard's thought about it and sees them moving to France. Monica likes that idea, but likes the idea of having babies more. Richard doesn't want anymore children. They decide they don't need to make any decisions right away, but Monica's upset about the baby thing. They go to Barry and Mindy's wedding with Ross and Rachel. They talk about the future some more with Monica trying to convince herself she doesn't need to have kids. She realizes that she does really, really want children. She and Richard dance and Richard says he'll have kids with her if he has to for them to stay together. Monica breaks up with him because she doesn't want having children with her to be a burden to Richard.

Joey: has an audition that goes really well. He even meets the director, Warren Beatty. The only problem is, for the audition Joey had to kiss a guy. Joey doesn't mind having to kiss the guy, but Beatty tells him he's a bad kisser. Joey freaks out. He wants one of the girls to kiss him. Phoebe volunteers and says he's an excellent kisser. Monica points out that maybe he didn't kiss well because he was nervous about kissing a guy. Joey tries to get Chandler or Ross to kiss him, but they won't. The rest of the episode he tries to sneak-kiss Chandler, Ross, and Richard. Finally, Ross feels really guilty and kisses Joey, but it's too late. Joey's already had the audition and not gotten the part.

• This dress is almost a physical assault to the eyes.

This looks like a small town theater troupe's version of a Glenda the Good Witch gown.

To add to the horror:

There's a hat. YIKES. What the hell is that silver thing in the middle?

• I really like that Joey isn't particularly upset about having to kiss a guy. I know it's all to get a good role, but it's still cool that he takes it so nonchalantly. The focus isn't on who he's kissing, but his ability to kiss convincingly.
  

• I can't blame Richard for not wanting to have more kids. He's already in his fifties and done the kid thing, but it's definitely a trick situation. I, for one, would rather move to France. Just sayin'.

• Oh, Rachel.
  

To add insult to injury, I'm pretty sure her underwear are orange.

• Oooh, Mindy Sterling (Frau, from Austen Powers) is Barry and Mindy's wedding planner.
  

• Barry is a douche and I hate him. I'd be crazy mad if someone told a whole bunch of people I had syphilis. SYPHILIS.
  

• I miss Jennifer Grey as Mindy. Mindy is played by some person named Jana Marie Hupp.

This wedding is apparently the place fashion sense goes to die.

• Despite understanding Richard not wanting kids, it's still really sad. He and Monica are so good together.

I may've gotten a wee bit misty eyed. Just a wee bit, though.

• It makes sense that Chandler's internet lover is Janice. Part of me is waaay into it, but then...I always sorta want it to be someone else.
  

• Rachel singing.
  

Yeah...this is gonna be stuck in my head all day.

• This is the second season finale. As an episode it's really great, but it's not really...finale-ish. Y'know, usually there's, like, a cliff hanger of some sort, but there really isn't anything this episode. It's still a good episode, though.
  

Oh. My. God.

"See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy."
"Cause he was just so darn cute?" -Joey and Chandler, discussing Joey's audition.

"Over my dead body!"
"And I'll be using his dead body as a shield." -Ross and Chandler, when Joey wants to kiss them.

"I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous." -Rachel, on her dress.

"All right, stop it, you're freaking me out."
"Oh yeah, I don't like you this way." -Phoebe and Richard, when Chandler's not making jokes.

"Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel a chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum." -Chandler, about Monica and Richard getting married.

"Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?"
"Like a hound?"
"Not a basset, a bassinet." -Monica and Richard, on their future.

"You really need the bassinet?"
"Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog." -Richard and Monica, about the babies.

"I'm sorry we--we don't have your sheep." -Chandler, upon seeing Rachel in her full bride's maid get-up.

"See, she likes art, and I like funny words." -Chandler, telling Phoebe about the Guggenheim's website.

"It means we're holding hands."
"Are you the cutest?"
"I'm afraid I might just be." -Chandler and Phoebe, while Chandler's on his cyberdate.

"How do you not fall down more?" -Chandler, to Joey after he suggests a way to find out if Chandler's internet friend is a man or woman.

"Y'know what Bar, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least one of your weddings." -Rachel, making her speech.

"So what now?"
"I guess we just keep dancing." -Monica and Richard, after they break up.

"Yeah, cause life's just that kind." -Ross, when a beautiful woman comes into Central Perk and Chandler thinks it's his internet lady.

TOW: Two Parties

It starts with the gang at Monica's diner planning Rachel's birthday party. Monica wants something sophisticated, but everyone else wants a laid back party. They go over the guest list at Central Perk, but stop when Rachel comes in. Rachel was at her sister's college graduation and had a horrible time; her parents can't be in the same room together without fighting. The gang decides not to invite Dr. Green, but Monica already invited Mrs. Green.

The night of the party, Dr. Green (Ron Leibman) shows up wanting to spend time with Rachel on her birthday. Mrs. Green shows up around the same time and the gang has to work to keep the two of them from knowing the other one is there. The gang decides to throw two parties, one at Monica and Rachel's and one at Joey and Chandler's.

Rachel: has a horrible time because of her parents. She goes back and forth between the parties to talk to them and all they do is complain about each other. Her mom thinks Rachel should see a therapist because she's dating a man just like her father. She's upset and ends up sitting outside in the hall. She talks to Chandler about divorce and how she's having trouble dealing with her family being split up. She reminisces about how her family's always celebrated The 4th of July. Chandler and Ross both hug her. At the end, she blows out the candles on her birthday flan and is glad when it's squished by a volleyball.

Monica: wanted to have a really elegant party and still tries to. She makes birthday flan, instead of cake, and expects her guests to play low key party games. She lectures everyone on the proper way to recap a marker. She yells at Gunther when he tries to go to Chandler and Joey's party. She goes to Chandler and Joey's to ask them to keep it down and sees several of her party guests there. Phoebe leads in a group of party refugees and Monica's upset that people don't like her party. Mrs. Green tells Monica she had a great time and Monica takes it as proof that her party was good.

Ross: spends most of the episode herding Dr. Green. He makes awkward small talk with him and really irritates Dr. Green. Ross makes Dr. Green a drink and Mrs. Green notices. Ross says he drinks his scotch neat, too. Dr. Green wants to go over to Monica's apartment to get his glasses and cigarettes, but Ross offers to go. Mrs. Green notices Ross has glasses just like her husband and that he smokes the same brand of cigarette. Ross ends up with the glasses on and a cigarette in his mouth when he runs into Dr. Green. Dr. Green isn't happy that Ross has appropriated his things. Dr. Green tries to leave just as Mrs. Green is leaving and Ross holds the apartment door closed. Ross, Chandler and Joey jump and make a lot of noise to shield Dr. Green from Mrs. Green. By the end of it all, Dr. Green thinks Ross is an idiot.

Chandler and Joey: throw a better party than Monica. When they split the parties in two, Chandler sends all the girls to his apartment. Joey helps set up a volleyball court in Chandler's room and Chandler makes out with a random chick who thinks his name is Dennis. Their party is so awesome that people leave Monica's. They host Dr. Green. Chandler comforts Rachel because his parents divorce was really hard for him. When Dr. Green wants to leave Chandler, Joey, and Ross have to hide him from Mrs. Green and they act like huge idiots. Joey kisses Mrs. Green as Dr. Green walks past.

Phoebe: ends up ferrying people from Monica's boring party to Chandler and Joey's fun party. Gunther is the first she helps, after Monica yells at him. She pretends to see a water ring on a table and Monica is so upset about someone not using a coaster that Gunther can escape. Other party guests come to Phoebe hoping she'll get them out. She leads them over to Chandler and Joey's, only to run smack into Monica asking Chandler and Joey to be quieter.

• Rachel's outfit for the graduation is so adorable.

I'm a big fan of that shirt.

• Let's take a look at the two parties:
  

Monica's party. There's a lot of balloons and pastels at this party. Also, bored faces.

Dancing! Pizza! Fun! Aw, Monica with her trash bag. Sad.

• Ross with bifocals and cigarette

Funnily enough, this is how I always imagined a paleontologist would look.

• The lengths they go to to keep Dr. and Mrs. Green separated.

The face Chandler's making? Now, that's a good friend. The person in the pink coat, btw, is Mrs. Green.

• BIRTHDAY FLAN!!!
  

I've never had flan, but it sorta looks like cheese cake. How bad can it be?

• I know there are divorced parents out there who still get along great, despite the dissolution of their marriage. My parents are not that type. For that reason, I totally get how Rachel feels and understand wanting to keep her parents as far apart as possible.
  

• Not because of this episode, just generally, I think Dr. Green's a jerk. Mrs. Green is flighty and silly, but Dr. Green's kind of a douche.

• I've seen this episode too many times.

Oh. My. God.

"Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?" -Ross, not wanting poached salmon at Rachel's party.

"Wow, it's--it's like porno for clowns." -Chandler, after Monica honks one of her fake boobs.

"Agh, it was the graduation from hell."
"Y'know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship." -Rachel and Chandler, after Rachel goes to her sister's graduation.

" But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them." -Rachel, about her parents fighting.

"Oh, that's nice. Happy Birthday, Rachel, here's some goo." -Joey, on the birthday flan.

"Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus."
"So, basically just a Chinese guy." -Monica and Chandler, hiding Mrs. Green's arrival.

"Hey, some girls just walked up to me and said, 'I want you, Dennis,' and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party!" -Chandler, after a random make out.

"Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing your daughter' and you should be okay." -Rachel, giving Ross advice on how to talk to her dad.

"All righty-roo! What a great moment to say that for the first time." -Ross, making a fool of himself in front of Dr. Green.

"Great, I'm seeing water rings again." -Phoebe, after using someone not using a coaster as a diversion.

"I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals." -Ross, getting caught by Mrs. Green with Dr. Green's glasses.

"I was just warming up the earpieces for you." -Ross, getting caught by Dr. Green.

"She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker." -Rachel, talking about the divorce.

"Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and--and wetting the bed." -Chandler, explaining to Rachel how he got through his parents divorce.

"Because it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?" -Chandler responding to Rachel saying her parents fighting reminds her of The 4th of July.

"I'm getting ready for water skiing." -Ross, holding Chandler and Joey's apartment door closed so Dr. Green can't leave.

"Sorry, we're on a major flan high." -Chandler, explaining his, Joey, and Ross's erratic behavior to Mrs. Green.

"Yup, get ready for the gelatinous fun."
"Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection." -Chandler and Joey, before Rachel blows out the candles on her birthday flan.



"

"

TOW:Eddie Won't Go

Chandler: wakes up one night to find Eddie in his bedroom, watching him sleep. Eddie admits he watches Chandler sleep pretty frequently. Chandler orders him to move out and Eddie says he'll be gone by the time Chandler gets home from work. After work, Chandler sneaks around the building, trying to avoid Eddie. He gets into the apartment and thinks Eddie's gone, but Eddie's still there. Eddie's started drying fruit, bought a real fish, and doesn't seem to remember that Chandler's asked him to move out. That night, Chandler stays at Monica and Rachel's. Monica watches him sleeping and freaks him out. The next morning Chandler tells Eddie he absolutely has to leave. Eddie goes with his fish in his pocket (no, that isn't a euphemism). Chandler thinks he's finally gotten rid of Eddie, but he comes to Central Perk with the dismembered head of a mannequin. Eddie doesn't remember Chandler telling him to move out; he seems to think they went on a road trip to Vegas. Chandler changes the locks on the door and moves all of Eddie's stuff out to the hall. He tells Eddie that they've never met and he's always had a roommate, Joey. Joey and Chandler convince Eddie he never lived there and Eddie leaves. Joey is back!

Joey: buys a hat and isn't too upset about losing his job on Days of Our Lives. He thinks that since he was Dr. Drake Ramoray, he'll be able to get another really good job. He meets with Estelle, who has already gotten him an audition. It's for a cab driver on Another World. Joey refuses the audition because he doesn't want to go from a doctor to a cab driver. Joey and Ross are hanging out at Joey's, when Joey gets a gigantic credit card bill. He doesn't have the money to pay for it, being unemployed. Ross tells him to go the Another World audition, but Joey doesn't want to. They fight and Ross leaves. Joey goes to the audition; it doesn't go well. Joey has to send all of his stuff back, to pay off the credit card bill. He moves back in with Chandler and is glad to be back. Yay!

Ross: tries to figure out what's up with the book Rachel and the other girls read. He doesn't really understand it. He tells Joey to do the audition for the cab driver because Joey doesn't know when he'll get another job and he needs the money. It isn't the encouragement Joey wanted and they fight. Ross goes to Joey's to apologize, just as movers are taking Joey's stuff. Joey's sad watching his menagerie of fake animals leaving, so Ross decides to buy him something. Joey wants a $1200 parrot, but all Ross can afford is a $200 plastic dog. It patches things up between them.

Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel: Monica and Phoebe finished reading a book called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's all about women not letting men take power from them. They convince Rachel to read it. The book causes a conflict between Ross and Rachel. Rachel doesn't want Ross to take her wind, so she cancels a movie date on him. Things between the girls sour, however, while they take a "Goddess Quiz." They start arguing about some of their answers to the quiz. Monica and Rachel storm to their rooms. At Central Perk, Rachel brings Monica and Phoebe cake so they'll make up with one another. It works and Rachel takes the cake back because then she'd have to pay for it.

• Eddie watching Chandler sleep is a bit like the chick in Paranormal Activity. I keep waiting for Eddie to try to kill him.

• Bitchin' hat, Joey.
  

• I never thought that drying fruit was a creepy thing until Eddie.
  

• Eddie replaces the cracker with an actual goldfish. I'm sad. I liked the cracker.
  

• I think the self-help mania storyline is funny, but it's not too exciting. I think I'm too focused on the Eddie shenanigans to care much

• Chandler stays on Monica and Rachel's couch. He catches Monica watching him sleep and does this:

Hahahaha

• In what dimension is this not a friggin' weird thing to do?

You'd think someone in Macy's would notice a mannequin decapitation.

• Eddie thinks he and Chandler take a road trip to Vegas and are back in a day...How? I realize I'm trying to rationalize the actions of a crazy person, but I can't help it.
  

• The dog:

I want one.

• Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Chandler gets Joey word-of-the-day toilet paper. Joey uses words like 'jaunty' and 'cache.'
  

• And, another thing, Gunther was on All My Children.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you." -Chandler, upon finding Eddie watching him sleep.

"No, no, no, I wanna hear it from your lips."
"Where did you hear it from before?!" -Eddie and Chandler, when Eddie doesn't accept Chandler wanting him to move out.

"Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like um, 'Hello, who wants one of my phallic shaped man cakes'?" -Phoebe, after Joey offers them a cruller.

"How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?"
"You, you know I--I don't have a --have a problem with that." -Rachel and Ross, as Rachel spouts some Windkeeper philosophy.

"See, this is why I don't date women who read." -Joey, talking to Ross about the Windkeeper book.

"Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgmental and condescending and pedantic."
"Toilet paper?"
"Yeah." -Joey and Ross, during their argument.

"Look, I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot feistier than the last one."
"Maybe cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm" -Eddie and Chandler, on their new goldfish.

"Why must everybody watch me sleep?! There'll be no more watching me sleep!! No more watching!!" -Chandler, after catching Monica watching him sleep.

"You, MOVE OUT! Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!" -Chandler, having enough of Eddie.

"This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue!" -Chandler, assuring Eddie that he wants him to go.

"Only cause you took up half the circle!" -Rachel, to Monica about a childhood game of spin-the-bottle.

"You spent 1200 dollars on a plastic bird?" -Ross, wanting to buy Joey the bird back.

"Ding dong, the psycho's gone!" -Chandler, thinking he'd finally gotten rid of Eddie.

"I mean that guy--is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!!" -Chandler, seeing Eddie with the mannequin head.

"Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath." -Chandler, last words to Eddie.

TOW: the Prom Video

Joey and Chandler: Joey gives Chandler a check to pay him back for all the things he's bought Joey over the years. Along with the money, Joey gives Chandler a gigantic gold bracelet; it's also engraved. Chandler hates the bracelet, but doesn't want to hurt Joey, so he wears it. It falls off when he's at Monica and Rachel's and they tease him about it. He's in Central Perk with Phoebe, who tells him a woman is checking him out. Chandler introduces himself to the woman, who's really interested until she sees the bracelet. Chandler's upset and starts making fun of the bracelet to Phoebe. He doesn't realize that Joey's come in and hears all the mean stuff he says. Joey's hurt and angry. Back at their apartment, Chandler tries to apologize. He tells Joey he'll never take the bracelet off and then realizes he's lost the bracelet. He can't find it and buys a new one. He's telling Phoebe about it at Central Perk when Rachel tells him that Gunther found the bracelet he lost. Joey comes in while Chandler's holding both bracelets. Chandler tells Joey he got him a matching bracelet. Joey's so happy, it's adorable. Joey finds the prom video while going through the boxes the Gellers bring over.

Ross and Rachel: Ross is at Monica and Rachel's where he takes a message for Rachel from a guy. He's really jealous, telling the gang that he's supposed to be with Rachel. They're at Central Perk and Ross watches Rachel getting hit on and is jealous. Again. He thinks that Rachel is uncomfortable and decides he's going to break up their conversation. He goes up to Rachel, pretending he doesn't know her, and acts like he's answering a personals ad; the guy Rachel was talking to leaves. Rachel's furious. She tells Ross that they aren't going to get together, that she keeps getting hurt. She wants Ross to realize that they aren't ever going to be an item. Ross is really upset. He doesn't want the gang to watch the prom video.

Monica: goes on the best creepy job interview in the world. She's really worried about money because she's still unemployed. Ross offers to give her a loan, but Monica politely refuses. Ross then suggests she ask their parents. Monica invites her parents over for dinner. When they arrive they have boxes of her stuff because they are making her old bedroom into a gym. Monica makes dinner while her parents watch a tennis match. Ross comes in after his talk with Rachel and makes Monica tell her parents she lost her job. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are disappointed, but Mr. Geller is sure that Monica is alright with money because they taught her well. Monica can't ask them, so Ross gives her a loan.

Phoebe: tries to make Ross feel better about Rachel. She says that Rachel is Ross's lobster. She's with Chandler when he makes fun of the bracelet and attempts to tell him that Joey is there. She and Chandler go through the boxes the Gellers bring and find Monica's high school bathing suit.

The Prom Video: It's Monica and Rachel's prom. Rachel's had a nose job and Monica used to be fat. Ross looked like Burt Reynolds. Rachel's date is late and Mr. and Mrs. Geller convince Ross to be Rachel's date. Ross gets all ready, putting on his father's tux. It's obvious he's totally excited to go out with Rachel. Ross gets downstairs to see that Rachel's date has arrived and the group is heading out the door. Ross is forlorn. Present day Monica and Rachel had no idea Ross had done that. Rachel kisses Ross.

• I always forget how much I like this episode until I watch it again. The creepy interviewer, Lobsters, Fat Monica, Rachel and Ross--it's just amazing.
  

• I wasn't sure if I liked Phoebe's poodle sweater, but then I saw the rest of the outfit.

That multicolored patch? There's one in the same place on the back. Ugh. The ensemble is paired with a tiny pink belt. I'm all for eclectic fashion, but none of it matches and it bothers me.

• Chandler Bing

The newest member of the Lollipop Guild.

• At one point, when Chandler and Joey fight, Chandler calls himself a wank. That's some (awesomely) random usage of British slang.
  

• I'd be making this face too, if I found a video of my parents doing it.
  

• Two best moments:

Number one:



Sorry about the bad video quality, but I can't do this moment justice just talking about it. It transcends any description I could give it. I love when he moans after Monica says she's going to do them jullienne--so messed up.

Number two:



I love the prom video. And, Monica's date is Donkeylips from Salute Your Shorts. Yes, I did watch too much Nickelodeon as a child.

Oh. My. God.

"Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony." -Chandler, after Joey gives him a check.

"Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like 'At the Bat' or 'and the Sunshine Band'?" -Ross, taking a message for Rachel.

"Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance...y'know make a little love...well, pretty much get down tonight." -Chandler, responding to Ross asking what Casey wants with Rachel.

"Because she's your lobster." -Phoebe, on why Ross and Rachel will be together.

"No no, no no, it's not flashy; not for a Goodfella." -Ross, seeing Chandler's bracelet.

"I think I'm ready for my penis now!" -Phoebe, hinting to Chandler that a hot girl is checking him out.

"He has to get me the woman repeller. The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!" -Chandler, complaining to Phoebe about the bracelet.

"It's like, back off buddy, she's a waitress not a geisha." -Ross, not liking a guy hitting on Rachel.

"No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when--when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, y'know, with--with the holding and..." -Ross, explaining to Rachel that she's his lobster.

"I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in Biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now..." -Chandler, apologizing to Joey as he's looking for the bracelet he lost.

"Where have you been?"
"Emotional hell." -Monica and Ross, after Ross arrives late for dinner with their parents.

"Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay." -Phoebe, cheering Chandler up.

"Check it out, we're bracelet buddies!"
"That's what they'll call us!" -Joey and Chandler, having matching bracelets.

"Hey, you're a cheapasaurus!" -Monica, looking at the loan Ross gives her.

"Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained." -Chandler, examining Monica's bathing suit from high school.

"Ok, I was wrong. That's what they used to cover Connecticut." -Chandler, upon seeing Rachel's old nose.

"Some girl ate Monica!"
"Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds."
"Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?" -Joey, Monica, and Chandler, watching the prom video.

"See, he's her lobster!" -Phoebe, after Ross and Rachel kiss.

TOW: the Lesbian Wedding

Ross: learns that Carol and Susan are getting married. They invite him to the wedding one day when they're picking Ben up. Ross decides not to go. The gang tries to convince him to change his mind, but he refuses. Ross tells them that it's not because Carol is a lesbian, but because she's marrying someone else. He points out that if she were marrying a man, the others wouldn't expect him to attend their wedding. The day before the wedding, Carol shows up at Monica and Rachel's. She says that she and Susan are probably calling off the wedding. Carol's parents aren't going to come and Carol and Susan get into a fight. Ross comforts Carol and says that she shouldn't call off the wedding just because her parents won't come. The wedding is back on. Ross walks Carol down the aisle. He and Susan dance together at the reception.

Monica: ends up catering Carol and Susan's wedding after their caterer is in a mountain biking accident. Monica is excited for the job and plans all the time. As the wedding day approaches, Monica starts freaking out because, though she spent a lot of time planning, she didn't leave enough time to actually prepare all the food. She enlists everyone to help and is really bossy and stressed. Ross won't help until Monica threatens him.

Joey: is in his first episode of Days of Our Lives. The gang all gets together (except Phoebe) to watch Joey's scenes. Joey explains how one of the actresses on the show taught him smell-the-fart acting, a technique to look intense while remembering your lines. He helps Monica cook. He's kind of miserable at the wedding, since there are lots of women there, but they're all lesbians.

Rachel: is excited because her mom is coming to visit her in the city for the first time. Mrs. Green (Marlo Thomas) comes into Central Perk and is so proud of Rachel having a job and making it on her own, but she doesn't seem to understand all the work Rachel puts into it. That night Rachel and Mrs. Green talk. Mrs. Green continues to go on and on about how great Rachel's life in the city is; she tells Rachel she's thinking of leaving Dr. Green and moving to the city. Rachel is astounded and wants to talk her mom out of it. Mrs. Green wants to experience new things, asking Rachel and Monica for weed and also about sex. Rachel is horrified, but more understanding when Mrs. Green explains that, unlike Rachel, she married her Barry. At the wedding, Mrs. Green dances with women and enjoys noticing that women find her attractive, glad to know of all the options.

Phoebe: has a client die during a massage. It really freaks her out, but worse than that, Phoebe believes she's been possessed by the woman, Mrs. Adelman. Phoebe talks as Mrs. Adelman and has to do stuff, like use the restroom, for Mrs. Adelman. She contacts Mrs. Adelman's husband to find out if Mrs. Adelman had any unfinished business. The husband (Phil Leeds) tells Phoebe his wife always wanted to see everything; he also tries to get Phoebe to sleep with him. Phoebe goes all around the city trying to show Mrs. Adelman everything. Mrs. Adelman finally leaves upon seeing Carol and Susan getting married. Phoebe gets hit-on at the reception.

Chandler: helps Monica with the cooking. He attempts hitting on a woman at the lesbian wedding, which goes about as well as you'd expect. Everyone thinks Chandler will be the last of the gang to get married.

• This is a good episode. Quite a lot of stuff happens.
  

• Monica, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Ross watch Joey's first scene in Days of Our Lives.

Joey Tribbiani's giving Stanislavski a run for his money. Method Acting? Bah!

• We meet Rachel's mom for the first time.
  

She's That Girl! Has anyone ever seen that show? Cause I sure haven't.

• There's a random mention of Soupy Sales from Mrs. Adelman possessed Phoebe. A long, long time ago, I had a copy of Nickelodeon magazine that was all about the early days of television and how technology had progressed--it was oddly riveting. Anyway, there was a blurb in the magazine about Soupy Sales, who had a kid's show in the fifties. Yay, for random, useless information!

• The lesbian wedding is pretty awesome. How many other sitcoms (or any show, for that matter) had gay weddings in 1996? And, even more astonishing, the fact that two women are getting married isn't a big deal! Ross is only sad because his ex-wife is re-marrying. He doesn't care that the person she's marrying is a woman. Kudos, Friends.

• Some notes on the wedding:

These hats defy all reason and logic. Susan looks like a hobo.

• I got all excited when I watched the episode earlier this morning because I thought one of the guests was wearing flannel. Sadly, upon further examination, she was not.

• I'm not into the possessed Phoebe thing. Just, eh. I mean, out of all the characters to be possessed, Phoebe's the obvious choice, but the storyline doesn't do much for me.

• Mrs. Green sees Ugly Naked Guy playing the cello.
  

Oh. My. God.

"As in, 'I now pronounce you wife and wife' married?" -Ross, learning about Carol and Susan's marriage plans.

"It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of Our Lives! And then I started thinkin' about all of you, and how these are the days of our lives..." -Joey, in a philosophical mood.

"Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast!"
"YES!" -Monica and Ross, Chandler, and Joey, as Monica is inappropriately excited.

"Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor!" -Chandler, teaching Ross to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

"For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something." -Chandler, watching Joey put smell-the-fart acting to good use.

"That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get." -Chandler, after Phoebe's massage client dies.

"Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called 'Silence of the Ducks'." -Chandler, helping Monica decide whether to serve lamb or chicken.

"Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten." -Mrs. Green, greeting Monica.

"All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts."
"Oh God. I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them." -Monica and Rachel, after Rachel learns her mom is considering leaving her dad.

"Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?" -Rachel, not being flattered that her mom wants to be more like her. Also, during the height of 'the Rachel' haircut phenom.

"Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet!" -Chandler, upon seeing Mr. Adelman.

"Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles." -Chandler, helping Monica cook for the wedding.

"It just seems so futile, you know? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly."
"Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding." -Joey and Chandler, lamenting their lack of straight women.

TOW: Russ

Rachel: dates a guy named Russ. Russ looks and acts exactly like Ross, only Rachel doesn't see the resemblance. She believes she's moving on from Ross. She tells the gang that she doesn't really have feelings for Ross anymore. Phoebe tries to get Rachel to notice the Ross/Russ similarities, but Rachel is blind to them. Russ is in Central Perk waiting for Rachel to get off work. He's sitting with Chandler and Ross when he and Ross get in an argument. As Ross and Russ fight, Rachel realizes they're exactly alike. She breaks up with Russ.

Ross: doesn't like that Rachel's dating. He didn't realize they were seeing other people. He talks to Rachel about a woman at work he may start dating. Ross hates Russ, but, like Rachel, doesn't notice the similarities between himself and Russ. Ross, Russ, and Chandler all sit on the couch at Central Perk; they're doing a crossword. Ross and Russ argue about the crossword and Chandler leaves. They fight about their professions. Rachel overhears and is disgusted because Russ is just like Ross.

Monica: starts dating Fun Bobby (Vincent Ventresca) again. The gang is pleased they're back together, but they notice that they went through five bottles of wine when Fun Bobby was over. In Central Perk, Monica tells Bobby she thinks he might have a drinking problem and he agrees to stop drinking. No alcohol, though, makes Bobby boring. Monica doesn't feel like she can break up with him because she blames herself for him being boring. She starts drinking a lot to get through their dates. They're going away together for the weekend and Monica packs tons of mini-bottles of alcohol. Bobby comes by and breaks up with her because he thinks she has a drinking problem.

Joey: gets his first ever reviews in the newspaper. They're all bad. Joey thinks he should give up acting. This is until he gets a call from his agent, offering him a part in Days of our Lives. Joey goes to the audition and gets a callback. He visits his agent, Estelle (June Gable), and tells her he thinks the Casting Director was hitting on him. Estelle calls the Casting Director and learns that, yes, Joey would have to sleep with her to get the job playing a cab driver. He doesn't know what to do because he wants to get the job on the merit of his acting, not his sexual abilities. Joey goes to his callback and refuses the Casting Director's advances. That is until she offers him the bigger role of Dr. Drake Ramore.

Chandler and Phoebe: attempt to get Rachel and Ross to see that Russ is exactly like Ross. Chandler helps Joey decide what to do about his future. Chandler thinks that if sleeping with the Casting Director will help, maybe Joey should do it.

• Man, all this Ross/Russ crap is confusing. I keep having to check that I'm talking about the right one.

I see the resemblance to Bob Saget, but the chin and hair make me think of Jay Leno. Weird.

• What's with Ross dating bug people from work? Not, like, literally people who are bugs (thought that'd be interesting), but people who study them. First it was the Curator of Insects and now it's the Curator of Moths. He must be really sexy to the entomologist set.

• I'm a non-smoker

But I want one of these cigarette tree, things. Much in the same way that Rachel wanted the shell lamp and the girlie clock.

• Some fun clothing options:

Number one: A nifty skyline vest.

Number two: a moose sweater (ew).

And three: a leopard print mock turtleneck.

• Starting this episode, I thought Joey was trying out for a big role in Days of our Lives. I mean, usually it's starring roles that actors sleep with people for. But Joey's trying out for the role of a friggin' cab driver! That's ridiculous. I wouldn't sleep with someone for that.
  

• I sincerely hope that 'Vincent Ventresca' is a stage name. Otherwise, his parents must've hated him.

• Russ and Julie meet. Aw. (In the way that that's incredibly strange and a little gross).

• Okay, this barely has anything to do with this blog, but it's smile generating amazingness makes it totally worth posting. Think of it as a Friday treat.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Yeah, Yeah, just a tough day at work. A Stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid." -Ross, telling about his day.

"I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug." -Chandler, on how much he had to drink.

"Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask." -Fun Bobby, wanting to add alcohol to everyone's coffee.

" Hey, yeah...we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia!" -Chandler, responding to Phoebe's idea of a soap opera themed party.

"There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village." -No Longer Fun Bobby.

"Bye...ridiculously dull Bobby." -Chandler.

"Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross." -Chandler, making introductions.

"You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare." -Chandler, about Ross and Russ.

"See? They're as different as night and...later that night." -Monica, on Ross and Russ.

"Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or...uh, Italy called and said it was hungry." -Chandler, walking in on Joey making lots of sauce.

"Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas." -Chandler, giving Joey advice.

"And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues." -Chandler, doing the crossword with Ross and Russ.

"You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful." -Russ, fighting with Ross.

"Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in." -Ross, not being jealous that Russ is a periodontist.

"I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant." -Chandler, taking a mini-bottle from Monica.

TOW: Rachel Finds Out

Rachel: still has no clue that Ross has feelings for her, even though it's really obvious. Before her birthday party, she goes out for drinks with a guy named Carl, unaware that Ross is leaving for China. Once home, she wants to open her presents. She gets an antique cameo pin from the absent Ross. She's surprised by Ross's gift because she'd mentioned the pin to him months ago. Phoebe mentions how expensive it must've been and it comes out that Ross is in love with her.She tries to catch him at the airport, but he's wearing headphones and Rachel can't get any closer to him. She gives the airport lady a message to give to Ross, but the lady gives the message to the wrong man. She doesn't know what to do or how she feels about Ross, but she says her gut instinct is that they'd be really good together.The night Ross is due back, Rachel has another date with Carl. She tells Monica that her dating Ross would be weird for the group; Monica attempts to convince Rachel that it won't matter. On the balcony with Carl (Tommy Blaze), Rachel imagines Ross there, telling her what a good idea it'd be for them to get together. After imaginary Ross kisses her, Rachel abandons Carl to pick Ross up at the airport. She arrives with flowers as people begin walking off the plane.

Chandler: tells Ross to give up on Rachel because nothing's happened between them. He agrees to give Rachel Ross's present. After Rachel opens Ross's expensive gift, Chandler mentions that Ross did the same sort of thing when he fell in love with Carol. Chandler tries to take it back, but the cat's out of the bag. He doesn't want Rachel to go to the airport the first time because he doesn't want Ross to know he told. He's glad when Rachel doesn't catch Ross. He doesn't want Rachel to go pick Ross up at the airport either, but is okay with it when Rachel tells him it's a good going to the airport.

Monica: likes the idea of Ross and Rachel together, but apparently had no clue her brother was in love with Rachel. After Rachel misses Ross at the airport they engage in a hypothetical discussion about the ramifications of dating Ross. Monica thinks it's a great idea they were friends first, but Phoebe disagrees. Monica kind of freaks when they talk about what'll happen if Ross and Rachel break up. It's Monica's behavior that makes Rachel think dating Ross isn't a great idea, but Monica tells her that it's not a big deal. She freaks out a little again when Carl comes over the night Ross is supposed to get back. Rachel tells Monica she can have the rest of her date with Carl when she decides to meet Ross at the airport.

Phoebe: is mostly supportive of the Rachel and Ross thing, but, like Monica, had no clue Ross had feelings for Rachel. Phoebe is a little concerned that Rachel and Ross were friends first. She believes that they've bypassed dating and are already at a relationship stage because of their friendship.

Ross: gazes longingly at Rachel when she leans on him to look at pictures of Ben. He comes to Rachel's party with a garment bag; he can't stay because he has to go to China for a bone for the museum. Monica and Phoebe tell him about Carl. He goes out to the balcony to talk to Chandler and Joey. He asks about Carl and they tell him to forget about Rachel. He gives Chandler his present for Rachel. He has no idea that Rachel is at the airport when he leaves. He comes back from China. As he walks off the plane, he helps a woman (Lauren Tom) who drops her bag. Then, he kisses the woman and talks about how excited he is to introduce her to his friends.

Joey: has very little to do with the Ross-Rachel thing. He's mostly concerned with the fertility study he's participating in for NYU. He gets paid $700 after two weeks, but he won't get paid if he has sex. He's been dating a woman, Melanie (Corinne Bohrer), and she wants to do it and Joey doesn't want to tell her what he's doing for NYU. At Rachel's party, Monica tells him that he should do other things with Melanie besides just sex. Melanie is really happy with how that works out for her and tells Joey he's as giving as a woman. Joey is surprised by how well he can please Melanie without having sex. As soon as he gets paid, Joey says he can't wait to have sex again.

• There's, like, no one at Rachel's party and they barbecue. Somehow that doesn't really seem like a party Rachel'd like.
  

• How would the people at NYU know if Joey'd had sex during the study? I mean, I guess if he couldn't,uh, make a deposit they'd know, but other than that...it's not like he couldn't just lie if asked about it.

• Meet Melanie

Frumpy, fruit basket making Melanie doesn't strike me as someone Joey'd be attracted to. Pretty much ever.

• Monica wears the date sweater from TOW: the Ick Factor again. What's with her and that sweater? I could start to hate it.
  

• I'm confused. Monica and Phoebe had no clue that Ross was in love with Rachel. How could they miss it?

Cause that's not at all obvious.
I can kind of see how Rachel would miss it, especially since it's something she never really considered, but Monica and Phoebe? C'mon! They'd totally notice.

• I hate this skirt.

The side panel, wrap, thing-y is absolutely mind boggling.

• Carl is like every bad stand-up comedian stereotype ever in the world.

Loser.

• Rachel waiting at the airport with her little bundle of flowers is so adorable. Poor Rachel.

• I heart the moment when Rachel learns Ross loves her. It's amazing.
  

I think I need to start randomly exclaiming "crystal duck!" in awkward situations.

Oh. My. God.

"Just a little extra air in my mouth." -Chandler, making a noise of disgust at Ross mooning over Rachel.

"Men are here!"
"We make fire. Cook meat."
"Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back." -Chandler and Joey, ready to barbecue.

"Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me."
"Crazy bitch." -Joey and Chandler, discussing Melanie and the fertility study.

"Go to China. Eat Chinese food."
"Course there they just call it food." -Joey and Chandler, about Ross's trip.

"No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee." -Chandler, on Ross loving Rachel.

"What about the time difference?"
"From here to the airport?"
"Yes!" -Chandler and Monica, on Rachel going to talk to Ross at the airport.

TOW: the Birth

Carol's having the baby!!

Ross: is a mixture of totally excited and absolutely freaked the hell out. When he, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica get to the hospital, Carol and Susan haven't arrived yet. Ross panics, worrying that the baby's being born in a cab. Carol and Susan arrive and there's already tension building between Susan and Ross. They go into the delivery room together and Ross and Susan begin bitching at one another. Susan mentions that they're naming the baby, "Jordie," but Ross didn't know about the name change. Ross and Susan argue over the name until Carol kicks them out. Ross and Susan get in a screaming fight in the hall until Phoebe finds them and drags them into a supply closet. Ross, Susan, and Phoebe get locked in. Susan and Ross keep fighting. They can't get anyone to let them out and finally Phoebe puts on coverall's, embroidered with the name "Ben," and they shove her into a vent. A janitor opens the door and Ross and Susan leave Phoebe hanging from the vent. They arrive just in time to watch the birth. After the baby's born, Ross, Susan, and Carol discuss names; Ross and Susan agree on Ben.

Phoebe: is the last of the group to arrive at the hospital. She brings her guitar. In the waiting room, she sings a little song about kids growing up to resent their parents. Ross pays her to stop singing. She comes upon Ross and Susan fighting in the hall and drags them into a supply closet to give them a talking to. They end up locked in. After listening to Susan and Ross argue for however long they're in the closet, Phoebe tells them that she's jealous because she wished her parents had cared enough about her to fight over her. Phoebe puts on some coverall's and climbs into the vent, only to be left hanging when a janitor opens the door. She watches from the ceiling as the baby is born.

Joey: says that if he ever has a kid, he'll be sitting in the waiting room, handing out cigars while his wife gives birth. He ends up getting into a conversation about who's better, the Knicks or the Celtics, with a pregnant girl, Lydia (Leah Remini). Lydia starts having a contraction and Joey looks for the father, but Lydia tells him there isn't one. Joey ends up with Lydia in the delivery room. Lydia talks to her mom on the phone, saying that she won't call the father. Joey asks where the father is and Lydia snaps at him. Joey tries to leave, but can't. He coach's Lydia as she gives birth. After her baby is born, Joey leaves and goes to the gift shop. When he comes back he sees Lydia talking to the father. He leaves a bunch of balloons tied on the doorknob and goes to Carol's room. He knows a lot about giving birth and freaks Chandler out.

Rachel: has the hots for Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau (Jonathan Silverman). She leaves the hospital and changes into a dress to impress him. When Ross and Susan are missing, she stays with Carol to flirt with Dr. Franzblau. She thinks things are going really well, but Franzblau says he doesn't date a lot because, by the end of the day, he's tired of, uh, lady parts, and it interferes with his dating.

Monica: really, really, really wants a baby and is jealous of all the people with babies. She talks to her mom who says that Ross's baby might be the only chance of being a grandmother she'll get. Monica's so happy to be an aunt.

Chandler: tries to comfort Monica. He tells her that if they aren't married by forty, they'll just marry each other. Monica wants to know what's wrong with her that she won't be married at that age. Mostly he just makes jokes. It's what Chandler's good at.

• Susan and Carol stop in the gift shop and Susan gets a 'Chunky.' I've never heard of such a thing in my life. I had to Wikipedia it. Apparently, it has raisins in it. Ick.
  

• Dr. Franzblau looks like a young Judd Nelson.

Franzblau


Nelson.
I think the similarities might all be in my head. Also, 'The Breakfast Club" is, like, one of the best movies of all time.

• Rachel's new outfit

I wouldn't want to sit around in a dress waiting for someone to give birth. No cute doctor is worth that misery.

• Leah Remini is so freaking little in this!

By 'little,' I mean young.
Joey's such a great guy.

• I think Jordie is a horrible name for a little boy.
  

• June Gable, the woman who plays Estelle, plays the nurse in this episode.
  

• I am not a maternally bent sort of girl. I believe heavily in the 'no babies ever' policy. Seriously, I'm about as maternal as Scarlett O'Hara. Nor am I a weepie sort of girl (not counting hormones or exhaustion), but this episode makes my eye area moisten a wee bit.

• I love Ross's little speech to the baby about going away sometimes, but always coming right back.
  

This looming thing freaks me the eff out. It's really funny for about a second and then I want it to stop. Just looking at this picture makes my spine tingle uncomfortably.

Oh.My.God

"Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the fifties." -Chandler, after Joey talks about handing out cigars in the waiting room.

"Let's get some coffee."
"Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that." -Monica and Chandler, in the waiting room.

"Shoot!...Or just fall down. That's good, too." -Joey, watching a basketball game.

"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!" -Chandler, after upsetting Monica about not being married when she's forty.

"Who the hell is Jordie?" -Ross, not realizing Carol and Susan changed their favorite baby name.

"Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along." -Susan, fighting with Ross.

"What're you gonna do? Suck the door open?" -Susan, after Ross grabs a vacuum in the supply closet.

"Oh, just had a baby." -Joey, telling Chandler where he's been.

"You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no...Lesbian Lover Day!"
"Every day is Lesbian Lover Day!" -Susan and Ross.

"Kinda like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jello." -Ross, telling Carol what the baby looks like.

"Susan, he looks just like you!" -Phoebe.

"I know. I still am one of these." -Chandler, about Ross having a baby.

TOW: the Ick Factor

Monica: dates a guy they call "Young Ethan." Ethan (Stan Kirsch) is a senior in college, but he thinks that Monica is only 22. They really like each other and Monica spends a long time cleaning and cooking before he comes over. She's so frantic that she can't remember what she made for dinner. That night she invites Ethan to stay over. Ethan tells her he's a virgin. They have sex. Monica tells Ethan that she's really 26. Ethan tells Monica he's only a senior in high school. Monica freaks out and tells him they can't see each other anymore. Ethan says he's falling in love with her, but it doesn't change Monica's mind. Ross, Joey, and Chandler make fun of her; they find out because Ethan's been calling and coming over. Ethan comes into Central Perk to talk to Monica. He says they're great together and should try again. Monica says she really likes him and if things were different she could really love him.

Chandler: has Phoebe come work as his secretary. He finds out that the people at work don't really like him and make fun of him, especially the way he talks. He really worries about it. He goes to an office birthday party he wasn't invited to, trying to be friends with everyone. Chandler has a really good time, but his employees still don't like him. Phoebe tells him to get over it because they like him as a boss, they just aren't his friends. He comes up on some people making fun of him at the water fountain and doesn't mind, even playing along a little, but tells Phoebe he's going to give them extra work.

Phoebe: teaches a 'massage yourself at home' seminar, which causes her to lose a lot of her massage clients. She's looking for work when she learns that Chandler needs a temporary secretary. She offers to fill in. On the first day, she has a hard time focusing. Phoebe tells Chandler that none of his employees like him. She gets ready to go to an office birthday party, which Chandler didn't know about. She tells him that he should go to the party and let everyone see what a great guy he is. At work, after the party, Phoebe tells Chandler they still don't like him, but they think he's a good boss.

Rachel: keeps having dirty dreams about the guys. In her first dream, she has sex with Chandler on the coffee table at Central Perk. The second dream she has a threesome with Chandler and Joey. She and Ross watch tv together one night and she falls asleep. She moans Ross's name.

Ross: is jealous when he learns that Rachel had a sex dream about Chandler. It gets even worse when he hears about the Joey and Chandler dream. Ross gets a pager so that Carol can let him know when she goes into labor. He keeps getting beeped because his number, 555-Jimbo, is close to 555-jumbo, a number for a male prostitute. He and Carol decide that when she's in labor she'll type in 9-1-1, so he knows it's the real thing and not, y'know, a solicitation. When Rachel falls asleep, he covers her up with an afghan before hearing her moan his name. He's elated and does a sort of celebratory jig, that ends with him falling on her and waking her up. They have a moment that's interrupted by Ross's pager. Carol's gone into labor.

Joey: doesn't have much to do this episode.

• Monica really can't pull of 22. She just can't. It's not that she doesn't look young enough, as far as, like, wrinkles and stuff go, it's her clothes. They don't look like what I'd expect a 22 year old to wear. It's like Joey trying to play 19. It's not going to happen.
  

And I'm really thinking that a 22 year old wouldn't wear this


On a date.

• The kid who plays Ethan always reminds me of this guy:

Shawn Hatosy, from cinematic gems such as 'The Faculty.' Which I really wanna watch now.

• Here's a burning question

What was Monica doing that ended up with her meeting and dating a high school kid?

• After several false alarms (and I'm imaging some severe disappointment for those trying to get a hold of Andre at 555-Jumbo), Ross gets the 9-1-1 page from Carol. He proceeds to fall over the back of the couch. Nice.

• Throughout this blog there have been what I like to call, best. moments. evarrr. In this very episode we have one of the moments that the best moments ever hope to be. Seriously, it's that good.
  

I'm going to walk around all day going "My scone! My scone!" I wish I were kidding.


Oh. My. God.

"I love it when we share." -Ross, learning about Rachel's dirty dream about Chandler.

"I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious." -Chandler, defending himself to Ross.

"Is it like for dinosaur emergencies? 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct!'" -Monica, making fun of Ross's pager.

"I don't perform those kinds of services."
"Services? Oh, services." -Ross and Joey, as Ross returns a page.

"No, believe me. You don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment." -Ross, to one of Andre's clients.

"My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states!" -Monica, after learning that Ethan is 17.

"Oh God, oh God, I'm like one of those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad." -Monica, on being a cougar.

"There were times when it wasn't even me." -Rachel, telling Chandler and Joey about her threesome dream.

"And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?" -Chandler, teasing Monica about Ethan.

"Ethan, It's, um, it's icky." -Monica, on why she and Ethan can't see each other anymore.

TOW: All the Poker

They play poker. It's a battle of the sexes kinda thing. It all starts when Ross, Chandler, and Joey discuss their latest game in Central Perk and Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe want to know why they never play cards with any women. The guys say they don't know any women who play poker and the girls demand to be taught how. Monica and Ross do their whole, Geller competitiveness thing, which ups the men vs. women poker ante (yeah, yeah, it's lame). The girls lose their first game, and then enlist Monica's Aunt Iris (Beverly Garland) to teach them how to play. After their first lesson, they go to Ross's and play more, losing again. Aunt Iris gives the girls another lesson. The next game is at Monica's where Rachel ends up winning. Oh, and apparently playing Pictionary with Monica is dangerous because she once threw a plate.

The real story for this episode is Ross and Rachel.

Ross: is at Central Perk with Chandler and Rachel is working. Chandler teases Ross about how much he obviously wants Rachel. Ross denies it, but we all know it's a lie. During the poker, Ross is super-competitive and gives Rachel (and Monica and Phoebe) a talk about how, when he plays poker, he's not a nice guy. He and Rachel kind of get into it over his macho posturing, but Ross doesn't back down. The same thing happens in the second game, where Rachel losses the most and Ross teaser her mercilessly. During the final game, Rachel actually beats Ross. The next round, Rachel starts betting irresponsibly and goads Ross into not folding. Ross has the better hand, but allows Rachel to win (she doesn't realize this, of course).

Rachel: sends out tons of resumes at the beginning of the episode (a few typos not withstanding). She gets an interview at Saks to be an Assistant Buyer. The interview goes really well and she's sure she'll get the job. The stuff with Ross and the poker playing is going on at the same time. She's really irritated by how smug Ross acts when he wins. During their last game at Monica's, she wins a hand against Ross and is very excited. She gets the call from Saks about the job. She didn't get it. She starts betting quite a bit of money and everyone folds, but Ross. Rachel reminds him that he's not a nice guy, making him stay in the game. The pot gets up to around seventy bucks before they stop betting. Rachel shows her cards and has a full house; Ross tells her she wins. The girls celebrate, not knowing that Ross is lying and actually had the better hand.

• A few times since the first episode Rachel has said she's qualified for nothing. But she has a college degree, so that can't be true. She has to be qualified for something. I mean, my degree is absolutely worthless in the job market, but having a bachelor's degree I could get a fairly well paying job.
  

• Okay, I'm a girl. I've played poker. More than that, I understand and can win at poker. That's not to say I'll be appearing in the World Series of Poker anytime soon, or anything, but it is a skill that I have. Because of that, I'm kind of irritated by this episode. I'm not an ardent feminist, or whatev, but being a girl doesn't mean you don't have the mental faculties to play poker and to me Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are kind of portrayed as ding-bats.
  

• I hate Ross's giant dragonfly.

I kinda wanna throw it to the floor and watch it break. I don't know why.

• I'm a fan of the cardigan, in a general sort of way.
  

But even Mr. Rogers would object to Phoebe's.

• Ross is such.a.jerk. this episode. I'm not sure if it's the competitive thing or if he's trying to fool himself into thinking he's not interested in Rachel anymore, or both, but jeez. Letting Rachel win to make her happy is really sweet, but doesn't much lessen the asshole factor.

• There are two best.moments. ever. in this episode. I love it when that happens.
  

It's the moment before the opening titles. I never knew this was the Theme from "Bridge on the River Kwai." Then again, I've never seen that movie. I just thought the song was, like, a summer camp thing.

Moment two:



Oh.My.God

"Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for." -Chandler, responding to Rachel wanting to work for "Popular Mechanics."

"Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills."
"Oh my Gooood!! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?"
"Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few." -Ross, Rachel, and Joey, sending out Rachel's resumes.

"Could you want her more?"
"Who?"
"Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening." -Chandler and Ross, about Ross's feelings for Rachel.

"Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep'."
"And then he did." -Ross and Chandler, teasing Joey for crying after losing at poker.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz--." -Joey, complaining about the salmon roulettes and crudites Monica serves.

"Rach, Rach, we gotta settle."
"Settle what?"
"The Jamestown colony of Virginia... You see, King George is giving us the land, so..." -Chandler and Rachel, at the end of their first poker game.

"Yes, and I get my ya-ya's' from Ikea." -Chandler, while Rachel and Ross fight.

"Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black." -Phoebe, calling Monica a hypocrite for saying Ross is competitive.

"Oh, it's like the mother-ship calling you home." Phoebe, after Rachel gets an interview with Saks.

"Um, ok--the--the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?" -Chandler, responding to Rachel's 'guess what?'

"Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen..." -Ross, mocking Rachel, in rhyme.

"Your money's mine, Green."
"Your fly is open, Geller." -Ross and Rachel, during the last poker game.

"Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause...I gotta flush." -Ross. Please shut-up.

"Ahh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face." -Joey.

"Joey, I'm a little shy."
"That's ok, Ross, you can ask me. What?" -Ross and Joey, as Ross tries to ask for money to call Rachel's bet.