TOW: the Giant Poking Device

Phoebe: takes a brownie that Rachel makes and spits it out. Not because it wasn't good, but because she has a horrible toothache. Ross says he knows a good dentist, but Phoebe has a dentist, she just doesn't want to go to him. Several people she knows have died while she's been at the dentist and she refuses to go. At Central Perk, she tries to take a bite out of an apple, but she can't. Rachel convinces her to just go to the dentist. When she leaves for her appointment she tells everyone to be careful. After her trip to the dentist, she runs into Monica and Rachel's, excited to see they're alive. She starts calling everyone she knows to ensure they lived. Phoebe's finally convinced she didn't kill anyone she knows by going to the dentist, but Joey notices that Ugly Naked Guy isn't moving. Phoebe has to know if he's alive, so they fashion a giant poking device out of chopsticks. Ugly Naked Guy is still alive.

Joey: comes into Central Perk with Monica and they tell everyone (but Chandler) about Janice's kiss with her ex. Joey doesn't know what to do, but he really doesn't want to tell Chandler. He and Chandler walk by a jewelry store and Chandler contemplates buying Janice pearls for her birthday. Joey tries to talk him out of it by suggesting other gifts, but Chandler doesn't like any of them. Joey tells Chandler what he saw. After Phoebe's dentist appointment, Joey notices that Ugly Naked Guy isn't moving. He suggests they fashion a giant poking device to see if Ugly Naked Guy is still alive. He goes to his apartment and sees Chandler. They talk about what happened between Chandler and Janice and Joey says that if he was Chandler, he'd bow out because Janice has a family. Joey and the others use the poking device. They all enjoy poking Ugly Naked Guy.

Chandler: has no idea about Janice's betrayal. He's planning to buy her something really great and expensive for her birthday. When he and Joey walk past a jewelry store, he contemplates getting her pearls. Joey doesn't want him too, and Chandler can't figure out what Joey's problem is. Chandler decides to ignore him and go into the store, but before he can Joey tells him about Janice and her ex. Chandler waits for Janice and when she comes in to the apartment he confronts her. Janice is astounded that Chandler found out; there was also more than one kiss between her and her ex. Janice hyperventilates. Chandler asks who she cares for more, but Janice cares for them both. Chandler wants her to choose, but she doesn't know who she wants. When Joey comes in for chopsticks for the poking device, Chandler's angrily playing darts. He doesn't care about the poking device at all. He and Joey discuss what happened and Joey tentatively offers his advice. Chandler meets with Janice at Central Perk and ends their relationship. He's decided Joey was right and he doesn't want to be the one to come between a family. As Janice leaves, Chandler freaks out and changes his mind. He begs her not to go back to her husband and clings to her leg. He steals her shoe, but she walks out. At the end of the episode, he listens to "Endless Love." Phoebe comes in to his apartment and they sing together.

Ross, Rachel, and Monica: Ross has Ben, but gets a call from the museum. He has to go in and fix a display. He asks Monica to watch Ben, but Rachel gets her feelings hurt. Ross asks her instead. Rachel plays with Ben for a bit, but decides he's bored. Monica takes him to play the airplane game. She throws him up in the air, which he really enjoys, until she throws him into the exposed beam that separates the kitchen from the living room. She and Rachel freak out about it. Monica decides they won't tell Ross, which Rachel is okay with until she sees that Ben has a bump. They decide Ben needs a hat, but they don't have a child's hat. Rachel has a bear that's dressed in rainy day gear. She gets the bear for his hat. They end up dressing Ben in the bear's whole outfit, but Ben's started saying "Monica bang." Monica tries to bribe him with ice cream, but he keeps saying "Monica bang." Ross comes home and makes fun of the outfit. Ben says "Monica bang," but Monica laughs it off. When Ross puts Ben down for his nap, he sees the bump. He tells Rachel it's okay, but she really needs to watch him at all times the next time she babysits. Rachel's offended and rats Monica out. Ross tells Monica that Ben's forgot two of the letters in the alphabet song and one of his legs is moving funny and he's walking around in circles. Monica's horrified, but then realizes Ross is teasing. She chases him around the apartment until he runs into one of the support beams. They all participate in the poking.

• The list of people who've died while Phoebe is at the dentist: Her Aunt Mary, her mailman, and her friend Albino Bob. Uh, I want a friend we call Albino Bob.
  

• I guess Rainy Day Bear is supposed to be like Paddington Bear, only in yellow?

• I really don't think they needed to dress Ben in the entire Rainy Day Bear ensemble.
  

But is that not the most adorable thing ever??

• I feel bad for Chandler. He's in a really tough situation. Though why Janice would choose the Mattress King over him is beyond me.
  

• This is just a really funny picture.

Inexplicably, this picture makes me think of Templeton from Charlotte's Web.

• It kills me when Chandler steals Janice's shoe.
  

She limps out of Central Perk with dignity, though. Well, as much dignity as one can have in those pants.

• Admit it, you've always wanted to create a giant poking device to harass your fat, naked neighbor with.

I was going to fashion my own giant poking device for the purpose of this blog, but alas, I didn't have enough chopsticks. You should all lament accordingly.

• Chandler and Phoebe sing "Endless Love."

I have endless love for the fact that he's still got her shoe.

Oh. My. God.
"See. That is the problem with invisible dentists." -Chandler, when Phoebe says she can't see her dentist.

"It's, it's, it's just ah--a coincidence."
"Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, they're dead." -Ross and Phoebe, about the people dying when she's at the dentist.

"Oh, like you don't already have everything." -Gunther, after Ross asks for napkins.

"Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doh fat factory." -Joey, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"If the Homo Sapiens were in fact 'Homo-Sapien,' is that why they're extinct?"
"Joey, Homo Sapiens are people."
"Hey--hey I'm not judging." -Joey and Ross, when Joey is confused about what Homo-Sapiens are.

"Oh my God! Well, push it in! Push it in!"
"I cannot push it in!" -Monica and Rachel, seeing the bump on Ben's head.

"Oh, oh, oh, I'll get Rainy Day Bear!!"
"Because he'll know what to do?" -Rachel and Monica, looking for a small hat for Ben.

"Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today." -Rachel, when Monica rips Rainy Day Bear's head off.

"That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice, have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'." -Chandler, after Joey suggests he buy Janice gum.

"All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything EVER." -Chandler, after Joey says he should get Janice a barium enema.

"Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh?" -Joey, telling Chandler about Janice and her ex.

"Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it." -Rachel, when Monica wants her to bang her head as an example to Ben.

"Okay, If you're alive you answer your phone!" -Phoebe, yelling at Chandler when he doesn't answer the phone while he's fighting with Janice.

"What'd you do, take him whaling?" -Ross, seeing Ben in the Rainy Day outfit.

"Monica Bang!"
"Oh, that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I exploded." -Ben and Monica.

"And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving?" -Ross, discussing what to do about Ugly Naked Guy.

"Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them because she choked on the receipt!" -Chandler, upset about ending his relationship with Janice.

"Are you okay? Do you wanna, uh, come poke a nude guy?" -Joey, comforting Chandler.

"I hope it's still funny when you're in hell." -Rachel, after Ross lies to Monica about Ben's behavior.

"You can't leave! I have your shoe!" -Chandler, after ending his relationship with Janice and not wanting her to go.

"I'm telling you, he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick." -Phoebe, while they're poking Ugly Naked Guy.

"And yet, we're still poking him." -Monica, after Ugly Naked Guy moves.

TOW: the Baby on the Bus

Ross and Monica: Ross has Ben over at Monica's. Every time Monica is near Ben, he cries. Monica makes kiwi lime pie, but Ross thinks it's key lime pie. Ross is allergic to kiwi and begins having a reaction. Monica has to rush Ross to the hospital and Ross leaves Joey and Chandler in charge of Ben. Ross is afraid of needles and makes Monica ask the doctor if instead of a shot, the medicine could be administered orally. It has to be the shot, so Monica allows Ross to squeeze her hand. Ross squeezes so hard he nearly breaks Monica's hand and she has to have x-rays. When they return to Monica's apartment, she and Ross reminisce about all the times they hurt one another when they were children. Monica learns that Ross cut the legs off her Malibu Ken. Ross says he only did it because the legs were infected and Ken was going to die.

Chandler and Joey: were planning to play basketball before a) Monica threw the ball out the window and b) Ross had the allergic reaction and they agree to watch Ben. They decide to take Ben out for a walk; Joey thinks it'll be a good way to pick up chicks (oddly like pick up sticks). The first woman they meet, played by Lea Thompson, thinks that they're a gay couple who've adopted a child. Deciding the walk was a bust, Chandler hails a taxi just as Joey sees some girls getting on a bus. They abandon the taxi and get on the bus, beginning a conversation with the women. Chandler and Joey get off with the women at their stop, forgetting Ben. They call the transit authority and are told to come pick up their baby. When they arrive, there are two babies and they don't know which is Ben. They pick one and bring him home. They're worried they chose the wrong baby because Ben doesn't cry when Monica first picks him up. Ben finally cries and they think they're home free until Ross changes Ben's diaper. The diaper is has a stamp on it that reads, "Property of Human Services." Ross chases them out of Monica's apartment.

Phoebe and Rachel: Phoebe is preparing to play at Central Perk; she wrote a new song and plays it for Rachel. Terry, Rachel's boss, calls her over and informs her that Phoebe can't play as planned. Instead, he's hired a professional musician. He makes Rachel tell Phoebe she can't play. Phoebe's upset, so Rachel talks Terry into allowing Phoebe to go on after the pro. Phoebe is excited until she learns she isn't being paid. Phoebe sets up outside Central Perk and plays in protest. Stephanie (Chrissie Hynde, from the Pretenders) is the pro and Phoebe challenges her on her knowledge of the chords. Stephanie knows all the chords, but doesn't have a guitar strap, so Phoebe feels superior. Stephanie is a hit at Central Perk. While Stephanie plays 'Angle of the Morning,' Rachel goes out to see Phoebe and brings her a cup of coffee. Phoebe doesn't enjoy playing for money and decides to play for herself. Phoebe teaches Stephanie 'Smelly Cat.'

• Chandler and Joey use their basketball as a Ben stand-in to make fun of Monica. Joey cries every time Chandler holds the ball close to him...which is why Monica throws it out the window.

• The dreaded Terry is in this episode. Ugh, I hate that man. And not just because he won't let Phoebe play. His voice makes my ears want to shrivel up and die.

• Look! It's Chrissie Hynde!

I always forget she's in this episode and then get really excited...but I'm not entirely sure why I care so much...

• Frank Jr. is here! Only...he's not Frank Jr. He's just some guy who tosses a condom in Phoebe's guitar case and then comes back for it. But still, it's Giovanni Ribisi. He must've run back for the condom really well to get a recurring role.
  

I also really like Phoebe's jacket. It's so--shiny.

• This is the first time Phoebe plays 'Smelly Cat.' Yay!
  

Oh. My. God.

"Is your tongue swelling up?"
"Either that or my mouth is getting smaller." -Monica and Ross, after Ross eats the kiwi.

"And Tegrin spelled backwards is 'Nirget'." -Phoebe's song she wrote in the shower.

"You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?" -Chandler, taking Ben for a walk.

"My--my name is written out in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk." -Phoebe, learning Terry hired a professional to play at Central Perk.

"Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it in my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun." -Ross, showing his fear of needles.

"That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out." -Chandler, after all the women they meet on their walk think he and Joey are gay.

"No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff." -Joey, to the women on the bus.

"We live in the building by the, uh, sidewalk."
"You know it?" -Joey and Chandler, to the women on the bus.

"Hey! Hey! I got my S's back!" -Ross, after the swelling goes down.

"Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads."
"What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?" -Joey and Chandler, trying to flip a coin to decide which baby is Ben.

"Stay back, I've got kiwi! Run, Joey, run!" -Chandler, as he and Joey run from Ross.

TOW: the Birth

Carol's having the baby!!

Ross: is a mixture of totally excited and absolutely freaked the hell out. When he, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica get to the hospital, Carol and Susan haven't arrived yet. Ross panics, worrying that the baby's being born in a cab. Carol and Susan arrive and there's already tension building between Susan and Ross. They go into the delivery room together and Ross and Susan begin bitching at one another. Susan mentions that they're naming the baby, "Jordie," but Ross didn't know about the name change. Ross and Susan argue over the name until Carol kicks them out. Ross and Susan get in a screaming fight in the hall until Phoebe finds them and drags them into a supply closet. Ross, Susan, and Phoebe get locked in. Susan and Ross keep fighting. They can't get anyone to let them out and finally Phoebe puts on coverall's, embroidered with the name "Ben," and they shove her into a vent. A janitor opens the door and Ross and Susan leave Phoebe hanging from the vent. They arrive just in time to watch the birth. After the baby's born, Ross, Susan, and Carol discuss names; Ross and Susan agree on Ben.

Phoebe: is the last of the group to arrive at the hospital. She brings her guitar. In the waiting room, she sings a little song about kids growing up to resent their parents. Ross pays her to stop singing. She comes upon Ross and Susan fighting in the hall and drags them into a supply closet to give them a talking to. They end up locked in. After listening to Susan and Ross argue for however long they're in the closet, Phoebe tells them that she's jealous because she wished her parents had cared enough about her to fight over her. Phoebe puts on some coverall's and climbs into the vent, only to be left hanging when a janitor opens the door. She watches from the ceiling as the baby is born.

Joey: says that if he ever has a kid, he'll be sitting in the waiting room, handing out cigars while his wife gives birth. He ends up getting into a conversation about who's better, the Knicks or the Celtics, with a pregnant girl, Lydia (Leah Remini). Lydia starts having a contraction and Joey looks for the father, but Lydia tells him there isn't one. Joey ends up with Lydia in the delivery room. Lydia talks to her mom on the phone, saying that she won't call the father. Joey asks where the father is and Lydia snaps at him. Joey tries to leave, but can't. He coach's Lydia as she gives birth. After her baby is born, Joey leaves and goes to the gift shop. When he comes back he sees Lydia talking to the father. He leaves a bunch of balloons tied on the doorknob and goes to Carol's room. He knows a lot about giving birth and freaks Chandler out.

Rachel: has the hots for Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau (Jonathan Silverman). She leaves the hospital and changes into a dress to impress him. When Ross and Susan are missing, she stays with Carol to flirt with Dr. Franzblau. She thinks things are going really well, but Franzblau says he doesn't date a lot because, by the end of the day, he's tired of, uh, lady parts, and it interferes with his dating.

Monica: really, really, really wants a baby and is jealous of all the people with babies. She talks to her mom who says that Ross's baby might be the only chance of being a grandmother she'll get. Monica's so happy to be an aunt.

Chandler: tries to comfort Monica. He tells her that if they aren't married by forty, they'll just marry each other. Monica wants to know what's wrong with her that she won't be married at that age. Mostly he just makes jokes. It's what Chandler's good at.

• Susan and Carol stop in the gift shop and Susan gets a 'Chunky.' I've never heard of such a thing in my life. I had to Wikipedia it. Apparently, it has raisins in it. Ick.
  

• Dr. Franzblau looks like a young Judd Nelson.

Franzblau


Nelson.
I think the similarities might all be in my head. Also, 'The Breakfast Club" is, like, one of the best movies of all time.

• Rachel's new outfit

I wouldn't want to sit around in a dress waiting for someone to give birth. No cute doctor is worth that misery.

• Leah Remini is so freaking little in this!

By 'little,' I mean young.
Joey's such a great guy.

• I think Jordie is a horrible name for a little boy.
  

• June Gable, the woman who plays Estelle, plays the nurse in this episode.
  

• I am not a maternally bent sort of girl. I believe heavily in the 'no babies ever' policy. Seriously, I'm about as maternal as Scarlett O'Hara. Nor am I a weepie sort of girl (not counting hormones or exhaustion), but this episode makes my eye area moisten a wee bit.

• I love Ross's little speech to the baby about going away sometimes, but always coming right back.
  

This looming thing freaks me the eff out. It's really funny for about a second and then I want it to stop. Just looking at this picture makes my spine tingle uncomfortably.

Oh.My.God

"Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the fifties." -Chandler, after Joey talks about handing out cigars in the waiting room.

"Let's get some coffee."
"Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that." -Monica and Chandler, in the waiting room.

"Shoot!...Or just fall down. That's good, too." -Joey, watching a basketball game.

"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!" -Chandler, after upsetting Monica about not being married when she's forty.

"Who the hell is Jordie?" -Ross, not realizing Carol and Susan changed their favorite baby name.

"Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along." -Susan, fighting with Ross.

"What're you gonna do? Suck the door open?" -Susan, after Ross grabs a vacuum in the supply closet.

"Oh, just had a baby." -Joey, telling Chandler where he's been.

"You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no...Lesbian Lover Day!"
"Every day is Lesbian Lover Day!" -Susan and Ross.

"Kinda like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jello." -Ross, telling Carol what the baby looks like.

"Susan, he looks just like you!" -Phoebe.

"I know. I still am one of these." -Chandler, about Ross having a baby.