TOW: the Breast Milk

Ross: keeps Ben for awhile. Carol and Susan drop Ben off and Ross has to talk to Chandler and Joey about not being freaked out by Carol breastfeeding. He's really excited when he learns that Julie and Monica are going shopping together; he likes that Monica's trying to get along with his girlfriend. Ross is weirded out when Phoebe tests the breast milk. It only gets worse when Joey drinks it, too. They try to convince him it's fine, but Ross is too grossed out. Carol and Susan come over to pick up Ben and Phoebe tells them about Ross's breast milk issues. Susan admits that she's tried it. Ross, in his endless quest to one-up Susan, dribbles the milk on his forearm, but can't bring himself to drink it. The end of the episode has Ross, Joey, and Chandler sitting around Monica's kitchen table with a baby bottle full of breast milk and a plate of Oreos. Ross chugs the milk and stuffs a couple Oreos in his mouth.

Monica: buys Ben adorable little baby Nike's. At Central Perk, Julie asks the group if anyone wants to go to Bloomingdale's with her, to take advantage of a friend's employee discount. Monica agrees. Joey and Chandler point out that going to Bloomingdale's with Julie is a huge betrayal of Rachel. Before Monica can back out of her plans with Julie, Ross tells her how excited he is that she's going out with Julie. Monica comes to Central Perk after her shopping trip, telling Phoebe to say they went shopping together and had lunch. Phoebe lies really badly, but Monica's able to keep her trip with Julie secret. That night, Julie calls the apartment and makes plans with Monica. The next day, Monica comes home from a lunch outing, she wore Rachel's jacket and tells Rachel she was by herself. Rachel finds the lunch receipt in her jacket pocket and Monica comes clean about Julie. She calls Central Perk, trying to talk to Rachel. The other Central Perk employees take Rachel's side. Monica goes into the coffee shop and apologizes. They cry and hug, making up.

Rachel: still doesn't like Julie, even though Julie is really nice to everyone. She knows something is weird with Monica, but doesn't know what. After Monica's lunch outing, Rachel finds a $53 receipt in her jacket pocket. She asks Monica why it was such an expensive bill for one person. Rachel learns that Monica's been hanging out with Julie. As Monica confesses, she becomes like an unfaithful spouse. Rachel is upset, but copes until she learns that Monica went to Bloomingdale's with Julie. Rachel storms out. She refuses to talk to Monica until Monica comes into Central Perk. Rachel tells Monica that she's upset because Julie already has Ross and now she's taking Monica, too. Monica tells Rachel that Julie's not taking her, but that Rachel should really give Julie a chance. They make up. Rachel sits down with Julie at the coffee shop. Julie tells her that she's always been intimidated by her and got the feeling Rachel didn't like her much. Rachel confesses that she was a little wary of Julie, but that she realizes that Julie is a really nice person and she makes Ross happy. When Julie leaves, Rachel still doesn't like her.

Phoebe: lies to Rachel for Monica about going shopping. She tastes Carol's breast milk with little thought, freaking out Ross, Rachel and Chandler. She tells Carol and Susan about Ross's problem with trying the breast milk.

Joey: works at Macy's (I think) as a cologne sample spritzer. He's the best at the store until a new guy, dressed as a cowboy, shows up. Annabell (Emily Procter), a co-worker, tells Joey that the girls are calling the new guy the, 'Hombre Man.' The Hombre Man (Joel Beeson) is better at the spritzing than Joey and the Hombre Man gets a date with Annabell. Joey walks into his apartment dressed as a cowboy, the Hombre man is so good that Joey's now spritzing that cologne. He talks to Chandler about his competition with the Hombre Man. Chandler convinces Joey to not give up, but put up a fight against the Hombre Man. The next morning, Joey and the Hombre Man face off as the store opens. Joey's cologne bottle gets jammed, but the Hombre Man spritzes an old guy in the face. Annabell comes to see what's happened. She and Joey walk off into the (proverbial) sunset together. Oh, he's also uncomfortable seeing Carol breastfeed, but he has no problem drinking the breast milk later on in the episode.

Chandler: is weird about seeing Carol breastfeed. He's disgusted about all the drinking of the breast milk. He talks to cowboy Joey about his perfume spritzing issues. Chandler tells Joey that they'll always be some sort of competition, no matter the job, and that he shouldn't give up.

• I'm bothered by Monica and Rachel. I realize this wouldn't be much of an episode unless Monica acted the way she does, but lying always makes things thousands of times worse. Rachel would've still been mad, of course, but to me it's the sneaking around that's bad. I think if Monica was honest about it, Rachel would've been upset, but gotten over it much quicker. And, jeez, if you're going to lie, at least make an effort at lying well.
  

• The Hombre Man's voice is like Christian Bale's Batman voice.
  

I'm not sure I'm a fan. Rocking that cologne holster, though.

• Emily Procter is currently Calleigh Duquesne on "CSI: Miami', but she was also Ainsley Hayes on "The West Wing".

This is only notable in the way that Ainsley is one of my favorite characters on that show. The first time she meets President Bartlet she's wearing a bath robe and singing "Blame it on the Bossa Nova." Awesome.

• I'm not vomit inducingly grossed out by people testing the breast milk. The whole thing where all the guys drink from a glass of fat thinking it's cider is disgusting, but not this.

Actually, I change my mind. Eating Oreos with breast milk is highly unappetizing.

• I'm quite fond of the moment when Joey comes into the apartment in his cowboy costume and Chandler's like an old west bartender guy.
  

"Gimme a box of juice." John Wayne couldn't have said it better himself.

Oh. My. God.

"You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back." -Chandler, being uncomfortable about Carol breastfeeding.

"We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?" -Chandler, running away from the breastfeeding.

"Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?" -Joey, asking Carol about breastfeeding.

"Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship." -Chandler, warning Monica about shopping betrayal.

"Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs."
"You bought boobs?" -Phoebe and Rachel, having a misunderstanding as Phoebe tries to lie for Monica.

"Did you just say, 'Hi Jew'?" -Rachel, to Monica who is pretending she isn't talking to Julie.

"Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person." -Rachel, after Phoebe tastes the breast milk.

"Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?"
"Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it." -Phoebe and Ross, arguing over the breast milk.

"Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike." -Chandler, discussing the tasting of the breast milk.

"These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin." -Joey, after the Hombre Man gets in trouble.

"What a manipulative bitch." -Rachel, after having a talk with Julie.

TOW: the Birth

Carol's having the baby!!

Ross: is a mixture of totally excited and absolutely freaked the hell out. When he, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica get to the hospital, Carol and Susan haven't arrived yet. Ross panics, worrying that the baby's being born in a cab. Carol and Susan arrive and there's already tension building between Susan and Ross. They go into the delivery room together and Ross and Susan begin bitching at one another. Susan mentions that they're naming the baby, "Jordie," but Ross didn't know about the name change. Ross and Susan argue over the name until Carol kicks them out. Ross and Susan get in a screaming fight in the hall until Phoebe finds them and drags them into a supply closet. Ross, Susan, and Phoebe get locked in. Susan and Ross keep fighting. They can't get anyone to let them out and finally Phoebe puts on coverall's, embroidered with the name "Ben," and they shove her into a vent. A janitor opens the door and Ross and Susan leave Phoebe hanging from the vent. They arrive just in time to watch the birth. After the baby's born, Ross, Susan, and Carol discuss names; Ross and Susan agree on Ben.

Phoebe: is the last of the group to arrive at the hospital. She brings her guitar. In the waiting room, she sings a little song about kids growing up to resent their parents. Ross pays her to stop singing. She comes upon Ross and Susan fighting in the hall and drags them into a supply closet to give them a talking to. They end up locked in. After listening to Susan and Ross argue for however long they're in the closet, Phoebe tells them that she's jealous because she wished her parents had cared enough about her to fight over her. Phoebe puts on some coverall's and climbs into the vent, only to be left hanging when a janitor opens the door. She watches from the ceiling as the baby is born.

Joey: says that if he ever has a kid, he'll be sitting in the waiting room, handing out cigars while his wife gives birth. He ends up getting into a conversation about who's better, the Knicks or the Celtics, with a pregnant girl, Lydia (Leah Remini). Lydia starts having a contraction and Joey looks for the father, but Lydia tells him there isn't one. Joey ends up with Lydia in the delivery room. Lydia talks to her mom on the phone, saying that she won't call the father. Joey asks where the father is and Lydia snaps at him. Joey tries to leave, but can't. He coach's Lydia as she gives birth. After her baby is born, Joey leaves and goes to the gift shop. When he comes back he sees Lydia talking to the father. He leaves a bunch of balloons tied on the doorknob and goes to Carol's room. He knows a lot about giving birth and freaks Chandler out.

Rachel: has the hots for Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau (Jonathan Silverman). She leaves the hospital and changes into a dress to impress him. When Ross and Susan are missing, she stays with Carol to flirt with Dr. Franzblau. She thinks things are going really well, but Franzblau says he doesn't date a lot because, by the end of the day, he's tired of, uh, lady parts, and it interferes with his dating.

Monica: really, really, really wants a baby and is jealous of all the people with babies. She talks to her mom who says that Ross's baby might be the only chance of being a grandmother she'll get. Monica's so happy to be an aunt.

Chandler: tries to comfort Monica. He tells her that if they aren't married by forty, they'll just marry each other. Monica wants to know what's wrong with her that she won't be married at that age. Mostly he just makes jokes. It's what Chandler's good at.

• Susan and Carol stop in the gift shop and Susan gets a 'Chunky.' I've never heard of such a thing in my life. I had to Wikipedia it. Apparently, it has raisins in it. Ick.
  

• Dr. Franzblau looks like a young Judd Nelson.

Franzblau


Nelson.
I think the similarities might all be in my head. Also, 'The Breakfast Club" is, like, one of the best movies of all time.

• Rachel's new outfit

I wouldn't want to sit around in a dress waiting for someone to give birth. No cute doctor is worth that misery.

• Leah Remini is so freaking little in this!

By 'little,' I mean young.
Joey's such a great guy.

• I think Jordie is a horrible name for a little boy.
  

• June Gable, the woman who plays Estelle, plays the nurse in this episode.
  

• I am not a maternally bent sort of girl. I believe heavily in the 'no babies ever' policy. Seriously, I'm about as maternal as Scarlett O'Hara. Nor am I a weepie sort of girl (not counting hormones or exhaustion), but this episode makes my eye area moisten a wee bit.

• I love Ross's little speech to the baby about going away sometimes, but always coming right back.
  

This looming thing freaks me the eff out. It's really funny for about a second and then I want it to stop. Just looking at this picture makes my spine tingle uncomfortably.

Oh.My.God

"Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the fifties." -Chandler, after Joey talks about handing out cigars in the waiting room.

"Let's get some coffee."
"Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that." -Monica and Chandler, in the waiting room.

"Shoot!...Or just fall down. That's good, too." -Joey, watching a basketball game.

"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!" -Chandler, after upsetting Monica about not being married when she's forty.

"Who the hell is Jordie?" -Ross, not realizing Carol and Susan changed their favorite baby name.

"Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along." -Susan, fighting with Ross.

"What're you gonna do? Suck the door open?" -Susan, after Ross grabs a vacuum in the supply closet.

"Oh, just had a baby." -Joey, telling Chandler where he's been.

"You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no...Lesbian Lover Day!"
"Every day is Lesbian Lover Day!" -Susan and Ross.

"Kinda like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jello." -Ross, telling Carol what the baby looks like.

"Susan, he looks just like you!" -Phoebe.

"I know. I still am one of these." -Chandler, about Ross having a baby.