TOW: the Breast Milk

Ross: keeps Ben for awhile. Carol and Susan drop Ben off and Ross has to talk to Chandler and Joey about not being freaked out by Carol breastfeeding. He's really excited when he learns that Julie and Monica are going shopping together; he likes that Monica's trying to get along with his girlfriend. Ross is weirded out when Phoebe tests the breast milk. It only gets worse when Joey drinks it, too. They try to convince him it's fine, but Ross is too grossed out. Carol and Susan come over to pick up Ben and Phoebe tells them about Ross's breast milk issues. Susan admits that she's tried it. Ross, in his endless quest to one-up Susan, dribbles the milk on his forearm, but can't bring himself to drink it. The end of the episode has Ross, Joey, and Chandler sitting around Monica's kitchen table with a baby bottle full of breast milk and a plate of Oreos. Ross chugs the milk and stuffs a couple Oreos in his mouth.

Monica: buys Ben adorable little baby Nike's. At Central Perk, Julie asks the group if anyone wants to go to Bloomingdale's with her, to take advantage of a friend's employee discount. Monica agrees. Joey and Chandler point out that going to Bloomingdale's with Julie is a huge betrayal of Rachel. Before Monica can back out of her plans with Julie, Ross tells her how excited he is that she's going out with Julie. Monica comes to Central Perk after her shopping trip, telling Phoebe to say they went shopping together and had lunch. Phoebe lies really badly, but Monica's able to keep her trip with Julie secret. That night, Julie calls the apartment and makes plans with Monica. The next day, Monica comes home from a lunch outing, she wore Rachel's jacket and tells Rachel she was by herself. Rachel finds the lunch receipt in her jacket pocket and Monica comes clean about Julie. She calls Central Perk, trying to talk to Rachel. The other Central Perk employees take Rachel's side. Monica goes into the coffee shop and apologizes. They cry and hug, making up.

Rachel: still doesn't like Julie, even though Julie is really nice to everyone. She knows something is weird with Monica, but doesn't know what. After Monica's lunch outing, Rachel finds a $53 receipt in her jacket pocket. She asks Monica why it was such an expensive bill for one person. Rachel learns that Monica's been hanging out with Julie. As Monica confesses, she becomes like an unfaithful spouse. Rachel is upset, but copes until she learns that Monica went to Bloomingdale's with Julie. Rachel storms out. She refuses to talk to Monica until Monica comes into Central Perk. Rachel tells Monica that she's upset because Julie already has Ross and now she's taking Monica, too. Monica tells Rachel that Julie's not taking her, but that Rachel should really give Julie a chance. They make up. Rachel sits down with Julie at the coffee shop. Julie tells her that she's always been intimidated by her and got the feeling Rachel didn't like her much. Rachel confesses that she was a little wary of Julie, but that she realizes that Julie is a really nice person and she makes Ross happy. When Julie leaves, Rachel still doesn't like her.

Phoebe: lies to Rachel for Monica about going shopping. She tastes Carol's breast milk with little thought, freaking out Ross, Rachel and Chandler. She tells Carol and Susan about Ross's problem with trying the breast milk.

Joey: works at Macy's (I think) as a cologne sample spritzer. He's the best at the store until a new guy, dressed as a cowboy, shows up. Annabell (Emily Procter), a co-worker, tells Joey that the girls are calling the new guy the, 'Hombre Man.' The Hombre Man (Joel Beeson) is better at the spritzing than Joey and the Hombre Man gets a date with Annabell. Joey walks into his apartment dressed as a cowboy, the Hombre man is so good that Joey's now spritzing that cologne. He talks to Chandler about his competition with the Hombre Man. Chandler convinces Joey to not give up, but put up a fight against the Hombre Man. The next morning, Joey and the Hombre Man face off as the store opens. Joey's cologne bottle gets jammed, but the Hombre Man spritzes an old guy in the face. Annabell comes to see what's happened. She and Joey walk off into the (proverbial) sunset together. Oh, he's also uncomfortable seeing Carol breastfeed, but he has no problem drinking the breast milk later on in the episode.

Chandler: is weird about seeing Carol breastfeed. He's disgusted about all the drinking of the breast milk. He talks to cowboy Joey about his perfume spritzing issues. Chandler tells Joey that they'll always be some sort of competition, no matter the job, and that he shouldn't give up.

• I'm bothered by Monica and Rachel. I realize this wouldn't be much of an episode unless Monica acted the way she does, but lying always makes things thousands of times worse. Rachel would've still been mad, of course, but to me it's the sneaking around that's bad. I think if Monica was honest about it, Rachel would've been upset, but gotten over it much quicker. And, jeez, if you're going to lie, at least make an effort at lying well.
  

• The Hombre Man's voice is like Christian Bale's Batman voice.
  

I'm not sure I'm a fan. Rocking that cologne holster, though.

• Emily Procter is currently Calleigh Duquesne on "CSI: Miami', but she was also Ainsley Hayes on "The West Wing".

This is only notable in the way that Ainsley is one of my favorite characters on that show. The first time she meets President Bartlet she's wearing a bath robe and singing "Blame it on the Bossa Nova." Awesome.

• I'm not vomit inducingly grossed out by people testing the breast milk. The whole thing where all the guys drink from a glass of fat thinking it's cider is disgusting, but not this.

Actually, I change my mind. Eating Oreos with breast milk is highly unappetizing.

• I'm quite fond of the moment when Joey comes into the apartment in his cowboy costume and Chandler's like an old west bartender guy.
  

"Gimme a box of juice." John Wayne couldn't have said it better himself.

Oh. My. God.

"You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back." -Chandler, being uncomfortable about Carol breastfeeding.

"We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?" -Chandler, running away from the breastfeeding.

"Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?" -Joey, asking Carol about breastfeeding.

"Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship." -Chandler, warning Monica about shopping betrayal.

"Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs."
"You bought boobs?" -Phoebe and Rachel, having a misunderstanding as Phoebe tries to lie for Monica.

"Did you just say, 'Hi Jew'?" -Rachel, to Monica who is pretending she isn't talking to Julie.

"Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person." -Rachel, after Phoebe tastes the breast milk.

"Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?"
"Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it." -Phoebe and Ross, arguing over the breast milk.

"Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike." -Chandler, discussing the tasting of the breast milk.

"These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin." -Joey, after the Hombre Man gets in trouble.

"What a manipulative bitch." -Rachel, after having a talk with Julie.

TOW: Rachel Finds Out

Rachel: still has no clue that Ross has feelings for her, even though it's really obvious. Before her birthday party, she goes out for drinks with a guy named Carl, unaware that Ross is leaving for China. Once home, she wants to open her presents. She gets an antique cameo pin from the absent Ross. She's surprised by Ross's gift because she'd mentioned the pin to him months ago. Phoebe mentions how expensive it must've been and it comes out that Ross is in love with her.She tries to catch him at the airport, but he's wearing headphones and Rachel can't get any closer to him. She gives the airport lady a message to give to Ross, but the lady gives the message to the wrong man. She doesn't know what to do or how she feels about Ross, but she says her gut instinct is that they'd be really good together.The night Ross is due back, Rachel has another date with Carl. She tells Monica that her dating Ross would be weird for the group; Monica attempts to convince Rachel that it won't matter. On the balcony with Carl (Tommy Blaze), Rachel imagines Ross there, telling her what a good idea it'd be for them to get together. After imaginary Ross kisses her, Rachel abandons Carl to pick Ross up at the airport. She arrives with flowers as people begin walking off the plane.

Chandler: tells Ross to give up on Rachel because nothing's happened between them. He agrees to give Rachel Ross's present. After Rachel opens Ross's expensive gift, Chandler mentions that Ross did the same sort of thing when he fell in love with Carol. Chandler tries to take it back, but the cat's out of the bag. He doesn't want Rachel to go to the airport the first time because he doesn't want Ross to know he told. He's glad when Rachel doesn't catch Ross. He doesn't want Rachel to go pick Ross up at the airport either, but is okay with it when Rachel tells him it's a good going to the airport.

Monica: likes the idea of Ross and Rachel together, but apparently had no clue her brother was in love with Rachel. After Rachel misses Ross at the airport they engage in a hypothetical discussion about the ramifications of dating Ross. Monica thinks it's a great idea they were friends first, but Phoebe disagrees. Monica kind of freaks when they talk about what'll happen if Ross and Rachel break up. It's Monica's behavior that makes Rachel think dating Ross isn't a great idea, but Monica tells her that it's not a big deal. She freaks out a little again when Carl comes over the night Ross is supposed to get back. Rachel tells Monica she can have the rest of her date with Carl when she decides to meet Ross at the airport.

Phoebe: is mostly supportive of the Rachel and Ross thing, but, like Monica, had no clue Ross had feelings for Rachel. Phoebe is a little concerned that Rachel and Ross were friends first. She believes that they've bypassed dating and are already at a relationship stage because of their friendship.

Ross: gazes longingly at Rachel when she leans on him to look at pictures of Ben. He comes to Rachel's party with a garment bag; he can't stay because he has to go to China for a bone for the museum. Monica and Phoebe tell him about Carl. He goes out to the balcony to talk to Chandler and Joey. He asks about Carl and they tell him to forget about Rachel. He gives Chandler his present for Rachel. He has no idea that Rachel is at the airport when he leaves. He comes back from China. As he walks off the plane, he helps a woman (Lauren Tom) who drops her bag. Then, he kisses the woman and talks about how excited he is to introduce her to his friends.

Joey: has very little to do with the Ross-Rachel thing. He's mostly concerned with the fertility study he's participating in for NYU. He gets paid $700 after two weeks, but he won't get paid if he has sex. He's been dating a woman, Melanie (Corinne Bohrer), and she wants to do it and Joey doesn't want to tell her what he's doing for NYU. At Rachel's party, Monica tells him that he should do other things with Melanie besides just sex. Melanie is really happy with how that works out for her and tells Joey he's as giving as a woman. Joey is surprised by how well he can please Melanie without having sex. As soon as he gets paid, Joey says he can't wait to have sex again.

• There's, like, no one at Rachel's party and they barbecue. Somehow that doesn't really seem like a party Rachel'd like.
  

• How would the people at NYU know if Joey'd had sex during the study? I mean, I guess if he couldn't,uh, make a deposit they'd know, but other than that...it's not like he couldn't just lie if asked about it.

• Meet Melanie

Frumpy, fruit basket making Melanie doesn't strike me as someone Joey'd be attracted to. Pretty much ever.

• Monica wears the date sweater from TOW: the Ick Factor again. What's with her and that sweater? I could start to hate it.
  

• I'm confused. Monica and Phoebe had no clue that Ross was in love with Rachel. How could they miss it?

Cause that's not at all obvious.
I can kind of see how Rachel would miss it, especially since it's something she never really considered, but Monica and Phoebe? C'mon! They'd totally notice.

• I hate this skirt.

The side panel, wrap, thing-y is absolutely mind boggling.

• Carl is like every bad stand-up comedian stereotype ever in the world.

Loser.

• Rachel waiting at the airport with her little bundle of flowers is so adorable. Poor Rachel.

• I heart the moment when Rachel learns Ross loves her. It's amazing.
  

I think I need to start randomly exclaiming "crystal duck!" in awkward situations.

Oh. My. God.

"Just a little extra air in my mouth." -Chandler, making a noise of disgust at Ross mooning over Rachel.

"Men are here!"
"We make fire. Cook meat."
"Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back." -Chandler and Joey, ready to barbecue.

"Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me."
"Crazy bitch." -Joey and Chandler, discussing Melanie and the fertility study.

"Go to China. Eat Chinese food."
"Course there they just call it food." -Joey and Chandler, about Ross's trip.

"No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee." -Chandler, on Ross loving Rachel.

"What about the time difference?"
"From here to the airport?"
"Yes!" -Chandler and Monica, on Rachel going to talk to Ross at the airport.