TOW: Joey's New Girlfriend

Joey and Chandler: Most of the gang's hanging out in Central Perk. Chandler notices an incredibly attractive woman (Paget Brewster) sitting at the counter. He wants to go talk to her, but doesn't have the nerve. He's so enamored with the woman, that he decides he has to go talk to her. He hits on her, and is adorable/awkward. The woman introduces herself, her name is Kathy and she's actually waiting for a date. Her date arrives and it's Joey. It's not as horribly uncomfortable as one would expect. Way later that evening (I think), Chandler comes out of his bedroom to find Kathy watching TV wearing Joey's hockey jersey. Chandler got up to watch an Ernie Kovacs special, and, surprisingly enough, Kathy got up to watch the very same thing. The start talking, getting along very well; they even bond over the 'wonder broom.' Their show starts, and Chandler sits down in the canoe to watch. The next day, everyone's in Central Perk, including Kathy. Joey and Kathy leave to buy hamsters for her job (she works for a medical researcher). When they leave, the gang talks about how much they like her. Chandler talks about all the wonderful things about Kathy, and they tease him for have feelings for her. Chandler's walking one day and sees Kathy out running. He chases her down the street so he can say 'hey.' He runs after her for quite awhile, only saying 'hi' when he gets her attention. Chandler goes to Monica and Rachel and tells them he's totally in love with his best friends girlfriend. He's pretty miserable. Joey and Kathy come in, having rented movies. Everyone sits around the TV, Chandler and Kathy ending up right next to one another on the couch. Chandler is so uncomfortable, he gets up and leaves, saying he has to meet other friends. Chandler's hanging out with the chick and duck later, when Joey comes in. He invites Chandler to dinner with he and Kathy, but Chandler declines. Joey gets upset because he thinks Chandler doesn't like Kathy. Chandler agrees with that, which only makes Joey more angry, because he tried so hard to like Janice. Chandler knows Joey has a good point, so he agrees to go to dinner. At dinner, Kathy points out an attractive woman, but Chandler's not interested. Kathy then says she has a single friend that she thinks Chandler'd be good with, but again, he's not interested. Chandler abruptly gets up for another beer. Joey follows him, confronting Chandler about his rude behavior. Kathy thinks Chandler doesn't like her, and Joey thinks Chandler should tell Kathy he does like her. Chandler can't take it anymore, telling Joey just how much he likes Kathy. Joey thinks Chandler's joking, at least he doesn't take him very seriously, but he's placated. Chandler's watching TV later, while Joey and Kathy fool around. He cant' stand listening to them, so he turns the volume up. Joey comes out and asks Chandler to quiet down. Chandler goes to Monica's and asks to sleep on her couch.

Rachel and Ross: In Central Perk, Ross keeps waving a napkin in Rachel's face. The napkin has a woman's phone number on it, which, obviously, Ross is very proud of. Phoebe's about to sneeze, and Rachel grabs the napkin from Ross and hands it to Phoebe. Phoebe blows her nose on it. Back in Central Perk, Ross keeps talking about how great his date with Amanda went. Rachel tells him she knows nothing happened; they took their kids to Chuck E' Cheese, and Ross didn't even kiss her. Ross is mad at Chandler, because Chandler told Rachel all that. Ross walks into Monica and Rachel's, talking about his upcoming date with Amanda (Laura Stepp). Monica informs him that Rachel isn't home. Ross proceeds to tell Monica that he expects his date with Amanda to go very well, thinking they may have sex. Rachel comes in with a young, college age guy, Josh (Brian Smith),who she's apparently dating. After Josh leaves, Rachel tells Monica and Ross how great it is to be with a fun guy. They argue. Ross does his flipping off alternative, which Monica explains. Ross goes to Amanda's with a bottle of wine. When Amanda comes to the door, she's dressed really great. Ross compliments her, but then learns he's not there as her date, but her babysitter. Ross tells Monica about the failed date. Later, Rachel walks in the apartment, kissing Josh. Monica tells Rachel that Ross isn't there, and Rachel pushes Josh away. Josh leaves; Rachel realizes he's stealing from her. Phoebe sees Josh wearing Rachel's leather jacket, causing Rachel to chase off after him. Ross and Rachel fight about whose date is better. Monica's got a cold and sick of hearing Ross and Rachel fight. She calls each on their bullshit, saying how both their relationships are failures. They fight some more, and fake flip each other off.

Phoebe and Monica: Phoebe prepares to play a set at Central Perk, but she's got an awful cold. Monica attempts to convincer her to go home and rest, but Phoebe says she's unemployed and doesn't have much to get her through the day. She starts singing, surprising herself with her sexy, phlegm-y voice. Phoebe plays in Central Perk again, this time without her guitar, having embraced her new blues-y voice. All the customers are really into her music, and she's really into how sexy her voice sounds. Phoebe's hanging out at Rachel and Monica's, trying to write sad songs to go with her new voice. Monica suggests some legit sad topics, but Phoebe doesn't like those. Phoebe gets ready to go to Central Perk. She clears her throat and the next time she speaks, her voice is clear. She's very upset about losing her sexy phlegm. Monica and Ross are talking about his 'date' with Amanda, when Phoebe runs through the kitchen, hair soaking, to stick her head out the window. She wants to get sick again, but Monica convinces her she'll get pneumonia by putting her head out the window. Monica sneezes, sure she's got Phoebe's cold. Phoebe doesn't want Monica to cover her mouth when she sneezes. Monica's very sick, lying on the couch in a sea of kleenex, when Rachel comes in with Josh. Phoebe comes in with soup for Monica. There's no chicken in it, or chicken broth, so it's basically just noodles. While Monica eats, Phoebe collects all the used kleenex. Monica scolds her. Phoebe snatches the soup cup away and licks the rim. She wants Monica's germs, so she can get her sexy voice back. Phoebe's in Central Perk, strumming on her guitar. Gunther walks by, sneezing, and Phoebe kisses him for the germs. Phoebe plays in Central Perk again, this time without her guitar and with her non-phlegm induced sexy voice.

• Guys, guys!!! We're getting close to my most favoritest Friends episode of all time. ALL TIME! I'm so, so, soooooo, sooooooooooooooo excited!

• I'm quite a fan of Kathy and the actress that plays her, Paget Brewster. According to her imdb page, she's been in quite a few shows, but what I'm most familiar with (besides her role as Kathy), is as Hank Azaria's wife on Huff.

And Paget Brewster is just a really awesome name.

• So, Phoebe's sexy phlegm voice... She reminds me of Bob Dylan at first. Later, though, it's more like Billie Holiday's. Well, okay, I've never heard much Billie Holliday, but in that part in Clueless, when Christian plays her music in the car? Phoebe's voice reminds me of that.

She also, at the very end, sounds kinda french.

• Chandler chases after Kathy to some really bad 70's cop show music.

I think it could've used some bionic man noises, too.

• Why is Phoebe showering at Monica and Rachel's?

She has her own apartment.

• It took me nearly all episode to figure out that Monica kinda reminds me of Meg Ryan.

• Chandler breaks my heart. I a-freaking-dore him this episode. No lie. Especially when he asks Monica to sleep on her couch.

• I do Ross' hand gesture thing all the time. I don't even realize I do it, it happens so often.

• Phoebe licking Monica's soup cup is super nasty. Ugh.

• The guy who plays Josh? His nickname is listed as 'Fish.' Appropriate, no?
  

Oh. My. God.

"I could die." -Chandler, explaining why he can't go talk to the attractive woman in Central Perk.

"I tell people secrets. It makes them like me." -Chandler, to Ross, on why he told Rachel about Ross' date.

"I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth." -Chandler, to Joey and Kathy, after he hits on Joey's date.

"What about the duck?"

"Well, the duck can swim." -Kathy and Chandler, after Chandler picks up the chick, while he's sitting in the canoe.

"Well, I think it's great the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters." -Phoebe, after learning Kathy and Joey are buying the hamsters for Kathy's medical research job.

"I bet he's never set foot in a museum."

"Well, maybe he'll get to go soon, like on a class trip or something."

"Y'know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for the adult that doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?" -Rachel and Ross, comparing Ross to Josh.

"I remember I cried the night you made it up, 'cause it was the first time that I realized that I was actually cooler than my older brother." -Monica, to Ross and Rachel, about Ross' fake flipping off thing.

"Her date tipped me ten dollars." -Ross, to Monica, about the 'date' with Amanda.

"Okay, You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend." -Chandler, confessing his feelings for Kathy.

"Now, I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just...noodle soup." -Phoebe, to Monica, about the soup she made.

"Y'know what I think it is? It's the fishnet stockings. Y'know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings." -Chandler, to Kathy, about why he doesn't think a woman is attractive.

"At least I know she's not dating me to get into R rated movies."

"Why don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute, you can't! I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian." -Ross and Rachel.

"You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her babysitter! You have a 12 year old girl's job!"

"Ohh, that is soo sad."

"And what are you laughing at, Miss My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!" -Monica and Rachel, when Monica scolds Ross and Rachel for arguing.

TOW: the Cat

Phoebe: gets done playing a set in Central Perk, when a cat crawls into her guitar case. Phoebe calls Gunther over to get rid of it, but Gunther doesn't. Phoebe picks the cat up, and upon touching it, believes that the cat is her mother. Or, well, that Lily's spirit is inside the cat. Phoebe explains all this to the group, and takes the cat with her. At Monica's, Phoebe explains that she feels weird talking about Phoebe Two around her 'mom.' She goes into Monica's bedroom to call Phoebe Two. Ross and Rachel discuss the likelihood that the cat is really home to the reincarnated spirit of Phoebe's mom. At Central Perk, Phoebe tells the gang how great of a time she's having with her 'mom.' Everyone (except Ross, who's having dinner with Ben), acts really weird, pretending someone's calling them so they can have an excuse to get up. Phoebe's at Chandler and Joey's; she has the cat with her. Ross comes in and sees that Phoebe still has the cat. He tells Phoebe that there's a little girl in the city looking for the cat. Rachel shows Phoebe the 'missing' poster. Phoebe isn't going to give the cat back, thinking that the cat found her for a purpose. Ross tells her she's being ridiculous, that the cat isn't her mom, and she needs to deal with her guilt issues stemming from meeting Phoebe Two. Phoebe gets upset with Ross, because he's never lost a parent and doesn't know what it's like. In the end, though, Phoebe decides to do the right thing and take the cat back to its owner.

Chandler and Joey: Chandler walks out of his bedroom and rips his suit on the corner of the unit. He's sick of running into it all the time, and tells Joey they're throwing it out. Joey doesn't want to just throw it away, having built it himself, so Chandler agrees to sell it. Ross and Chandler read the ad Joey put in the newspaper. It's incredibly misleading about the niceness of the unit, plus, Joey's asking for $5,000. Chandler changes it to $50. Also, no one knows what Chandler's job is. Joey thought he was an accountant. Later, Ross asks if they've gotten any calls about the unit. They have, but Joey decided none of the callers would work out. Chandler's not too happy about that. Two guys, roommates, come in to look at the unit. They don't have the money, but they're willing to barter a canoe. Chandler tells them to take the unit and throw away the canoe, but one of the roommates built the canoe and refuses to throw it away. In fact, he storms out at the suggestion. Joey's alone and showing the unit to an interested guy. As a selling point, Joey mentions that a grown man can fit into some of the cabinets. He tells the guy about Chandler locking him in for a bet. The guy doesn't believe Joey actually fit inside, so Joey decides to prove it. He climbs in and shuts the door; the guy locks Joey in with a hockey stick. Chandler comes home and throws his keys onto nothing. Everything in their apartment is gone except major appliances, the unit, and the ceramic dog. He lets Joey out and freaks about their stuff being gone. Everyone gathers in Chandler and Joeys to check out what they lost. Chandler and Joey didn't have insurance, so they're pretty much out-of-luck. Chandler's pretty mad at Joey for climbing into the unit in the first place. They end up with the canoe. They sit in it and pretend to be out on a lake, or something.

Monica: walks into her apartment with Ross. She checks her messages and got a call from a guy named Chip. She squeals when she hears the message, and Ross asks who Chip is. Apparently, Monica ran into Chip Matthews, the guy Rachel dated in high school. Monica calls him back, and she and Chip set up a date. Rachel finds out about the date and confronts Monica. Monica wasn't going to tell Rachel, knowing Rachel'd have some issues with Monica dating him. Rachel does have issues with it, but Monica convinces her. Monica wasn't popular in high school like Rachel, and always wanted to know what it was like to date the popular guy. Chip (Dan Gauthier) picks Monica up and, at first, things seem okay. Chip still has the same motorcycle from high school, but Monica's excited instead of thinking it's weird. Chip also still hangs around with a lot of people from high school, which is the first warning sign for Monica. He goes on to tell a story about how he (recently) gave a guy they went to high school with a wedgie. Monica's a little concerned, but goes to dinner with him. At dinner, all Chip can talk about is people from high school. Monica steers him into other conversational waters, but to no good result. Chip still works at the same movie theater he worked at in high school and lives with his parents. He hasn't matured even a tiny little bit. Monica walks into Chandler and Joey's, and Rachel asks about the date. Monica tells her how awful it was and that she dumped him.

Rachel: comes home and sees a message pad that says Chip called. She assumes Chip called for her. Since Ross is there, she talks about Chip to make Ross jealous. Ross knows that Chip called for Monica, but he urges Rachel to call Chip back. Rachel does and quickly learns her mistake. She's not okay with Monica dating Chip. She confronts Monica about it. She can't believe Monica would date Chip after what he did to Rachel during prom. Apparently, Chip disappeared for two hours to have sex with another girl. Monica makes her big speech about being the overweight, unpopular girl in high school. Rachel decides to relax and let Monica date Chip. Rachel and Ross get into it over whether the cat really is Phoebe's mom. Rachel's doing it to aggravate Ross; he always has to be right. Rachel comes into Central Perk, having just found the lost cat posters about Phoebe's 'mom.' She doesn't want to tell Phoebe, but Ross tells everyone that they have to tell Phoebe the truth. Ross leaves and the group can't go through with telling Phoebe the truth. Chip comes to pick Monica up, and Rachel talks to him about how great her life is going and how happy she is. Chip doesn't really care. She also brings up prom. She doesn't want Monica to go, and almost says something, but Monica scurries out before Rachel can. Rachel goes over to Chandler and Joey's after the robbery. She suggests Ross apologize to the cat after he hurts Phoebe's feelings. She and Monica go with Phoebe to take the cat back to its owner.

Ross: tricks Rachel into thinking Chip called for her. He's really quite pleased with himself at Rachel's expense. He does not believe, even a small amount, that the cat is a vessel for Phoebe's mom's spirit. He starts to argue with Rachel about it, which is what Rachel wants. He realizes what Rachel's doing, though, and won't get into it with her. After Rachel finds the poster, Ross tells the group they have to be honest with Phoebe and let her know someone's looking for their cat. Of course, when he gets to Chandler and Joey's, he sees that Phoebe still has the cat. He tells her about the poster, saying she has to give the cat up and get over her guilt. He's pretty mean about it, hurting Phoebe's feelings. Phoebe calls him on his behavior, pointing out he knows nothing about losing a parent. Ross feels really bad, but doesn't know how to make it better. Rachel suggests he apologize to Phoebe's 'mom,' knowing he'd have trouble doing it. Ross apologizes, though, and Phoebe accepts. He offers Chandler and Joey a futon.

• The chick and duck have a bitchin' fowl bachelor pad.

I especially like the disco ball and Christmas lights.

• My first thoughts upon seeing Monica:

That is some Gale Weathers in Scream 2 hair.

I tried to get a picture from the scene where David Arquette's all "by the way, nice streaks," but I couldn't find a good one. Pity.

• Ross and Rachel = awesome. They're great as a couple, but, boy, when they hate each other it's absolutely delightful.
  

• Now would be the time to address the issue of Phoebe's reincarnated mom.

I have a healthy belief in the paranormal and supernatural (most Wednesday nights, you'll find me watching Ghost Hunters and Destination Truth), but I'm also a natural skeptic. I think reincarnation is a nice idea, and I'd like to think it could be real. But I don't think the cat is Phoebe's mom. I'd find it more sympathetic if Phoebe's logic wasn't so flimsy, which I know is supposed to be the humor, but the episode'd be more touching if her most sound argument wasn't orange felt being similar to Lily's love for orange ruffie. Huh?

• Even though I feel the same way Ross does about the cat thing, he's unnecessarily mean about it. Yes, it's ridiculous Phoebe thinks the cat is her mom, but he could've at least let her down easily. Sure, this is about Phoebe's guilt about having a relationship with her birth mom, but he could have gone about telling her in a totally different way.
  

• Chip is lame with a capital 'L.'

I'm all for a hint of high school nostalgia, but ugh. Having the same motorcycle is okay, but the same job?? Living with your parents?? It is funny, but I don't think Monica would ever date this guy. I mean, I was the fat girl in high school, too, and I've lost a lot of weight, but I'd never ever date one of the guys I liked back then. Ew.

• The robbery is some great TV.
  

Oh, Joey...You gotta wonder the exact moment when he thought, "y'know, maybe this wasn't such a great idea."

Chandler's reaction is effing delightful. I heart when he throws his keys, expecting them to land on the Foosball table and they just clatter to the floor.


When all else fails...fake canoe.

• Their magna doodle says something along the lines of "Thanks for all your stuff." Such witty criminals.
  

Oh. My. God.

"I'm tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get dressed!" -Chandler, to Joey, after ripping his suit on the entertainment unit.

"Do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet? They seem all right with it!" -Chandler, to the chick, duck, and Joey, about selling the unit.

"Good! Cause I've got a product report to read, it's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep."
"Why? Did you write it?" -Rachel and Ross.

"Hey, here's a question, where'd you guys get the finest oak East of the Mississippi?"
"Uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land." -Ross and Chandler, reading the ad for the unit in the paper.

"You mean the mom you met in Montauk? She was a cat?!" -Rachel, to Phoebe, after the revelation that the cat is Phoebe's mom.

"Are you sure she's in the cat, or have you been taking your grandma's glaucoma medicine again?" -Ross, to Phoebe, after the discovery of the mom/cat thing.

"You had me at orange felt." -Ross, to Phoebe, after she lists her reasons why she thinks the cat is her mom.

"Dude, Phoebe's mom has got a huge peni--" -Joey, before being interrupted by Chandler.

"I went to one where I wore a band uniform they had to have specially made." -Monica, to Rachel, about what high school was like for her.

"And the fat girl inside of me really wants to go. I--I owe her this. I never let her eat." -Monica, to Rachel, really wanting to go out with Chip.

"Yes, Joey has a very careful screening process. Apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails." -Chandler, when Joey decides callers aren't worthy of owning the unit.

"You'll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this." -Chandler, to the guys who come to look at the unit.

"Apparently, Phoebe's mother also goes by the name Julio." -Ross, looking at the missing pet flier.

"Little girl misses her cat. Crazy lady thinks her mother is in a cat." -Ross, showing that they have to tell Phoebe about the flier.

"Aww, man, he took the five of spades!!" -Joey, going through the pack of cards after the robbery.

"Oh my God! What happened?"
"Oh, umm, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!" -Monica and Chandler, after the robbery.

"Oh, they said uh, 'You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us'." -Chandler, to Ross, after calling the insurance company.

"It was insensitive of me to say that you were just a cat. When, clearly, you are also the reincarnated spirit of my friend's mother." -Ross, to the cat.

"Pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we'd really appreciate it." -Chandler, to Phoebe, about her mom's spirit.

"Oh! Y'know, I've got an extra futon!"
"Dude, you don't have to brag! We got nothing here!!" -Ross and Joey, when Ross offers his futon and Joey misunderstands.

TOW: the Tiny T-Shirt

Ross and Rachel: Gunther waits on Rachel in Central Perk; the entire time he considers asking her out, but doesn't make a move. Mark meets Rachel there and asks her out. Gunther storms out and we hear him break a cup. Rachel talks to Phoebe about Mark's offer, but she's not sure she's ready to date. She still feels like dating Mark would be like cheating on Ross. Phoebe tells Rachel she's not over Ross yet and has issues with her dad. Ross goes to Chandler and Joey's, bragging about how Rachel asked him to come over. He thinks they're getting back together. He goes to Monica and Rachel's and Rachel gives him a box of his stuff. He's surprised, but acts like Rachel's right when she says they need to move on from each other. He looks through the box and notices a coffee mug he gave Rachel as a gift; he's angry she's giving it to him. They argue about it; Rachel offers to take it, but Ross won't give it to her. Ross gets mad and says that all of his stuff isn't in the box. He goes through the apartment and takes everything that belongs to him, including Rachel's favorite sleep shirt, an old "Frankie Say RELAX" shirt of Ross's. Rachel's furious he takes her favorite shirt, knowing he's only doing it out of spite. Ross puts it on to prove that he likes it and can wear it. It's skin tight and several inches too short, showing his tummy. Chandler and Ross head to Chandler's, on their way to the the apartment they pass Rachel and Mark going on a date. Ross is heartbroken. He stands at Chandler's peephole for hours, waiting for Rachel and Mark to get home, and obsessing over whether or not they'll kiss. Rachel and Mark come home, but go into the apartment. Ross flips out, planning to go over to Monica and Rachel's and interrupt. Chandler keeps him from going, convincing him that Rachel's moving on and he needs to, as well. Mark kisses Rachel, but Rachel can't get into it. She tells Mark she only dated him to get back at Ross. Mark says he's okay with being what she uses to get back at Ross (he's joking...mostly). Rachel declines the offer. Rachel comes home from work and Monica tells her Ross left her a box of her stuff. Rachel expected Ross to react like that, but she's surprised and pleased when she finds the "Frankie say" t-shirt in the box.

Joey: comes into Monica and Rachel's, doing a little cheer. Apparently, he got the lead role in a play and is quite excited. Joey goes to the first rehearsal and hits on his co-star, Kate (Dina Meyer); she's not interested. She thinks Joey's familiar, but can't place him. It's not from his stint as Dr. Drake Ramoray, but she mocks him from being a soap actor. Kate finally realizes she knows Joey from the milk spout infomercial. She makes fun of him. Joey complains to the gang about Kate. She told the whole cast about his milk infomercial. They now ask Joey to open their drinks and laugh at him. At another rehearsal, Kate asks the director why her character's supposed to be attracted to Joey. Joey retaliates. Joey storms into the apartment, pissed at Kate. She thinks she's friggin' awesome because she went to Yale Drama. Chandler points out that Joey's attracted to her. The next rehearsal, Joey kisses her deeply when they run a scene. The kiss causes her to change her view of Joey. He asks her out for coffee, but she's dating the director.

Monica: continues dating Pete, though she's still not attracted to him. They come home from a date and she quickly kisses him on the cheek and goes inside. She talks to the gang about how perfect Pete is, but that she still isn't attracted to him at all. Pete hangs out with everyone in Central Perk; they bug him about being a millionaire. When he leaves, instead of kissing him, Monica fluffs his hair. She complains to the gang that Pete is a wonderful guy, pretty much perfect for her, but she doesn't really feel a connection. She goes to a ribbon cutting ceremony at a hospital with Pete. He asks her where their relationship is going. She attempts to avoid the real issue, but ends up telling him she's just not attracted to him. He takes it pretty well because he's sure she'll change her mind. He asks her to leave the ribbon cutting and go get dinner with him. He quickly cuts the ribbon and they leave.

Chandler and Phoebe: Phoebe talks to Rachel about her issues with Mark and Ross. Chandler jumps on Ross's back to keep him from interrupting Mark and Rachel. He also tells Ross it's time to move on. Chandler talks to Joey about the rude actress, and is the first to figure out that Joey's attracted to her. He and Phoebe have a long conversation about why Spider-Man is named Spider-Man, and not Spiderman, like a last name. At the the end, Phoebe and Chandler are at his place, in the recliners. They're making superheroes out of people with last names that end in 'man.' They use Goldman and Tupperman. Then they have a recliner duel. It's epic.

• Ross acts like it's all Rachel's fault they're not together anymore. He talks about the "crazy fog" having lifted after she asks him to come over. Get over yourself, Ross.
  

• The tiny t-shirt

Ross sure has some nice arms for a paleontologist. Maybe it's lifting all those giant bones?

• Ross effing loses it when Rachel goes out with Mark. I can understand why he freaks out, it's sorta his worst fear coming true, but he's also totally unreasonable about it.
  

Chandler finally freaking calls Ross out on his hypocrisy. Ross is upset that Rachel's dating so soon after they broke up, and Chandler has to remind him that he slept with another woman three hours after Ross thought he and Rachel broke up. Yes, Chandler has to remind him of that.

• I love Pete, but I care very little about Pete and Monica in this episode. I do think it's nice that Monica's obviously not after Pete for his money. Oh, and Joey's stuff is funny, but I'm not that interested.
  

• Phoebe and Chandler are WONDERFUL.

The Spider-Man, Spiderman, conversation is the most randomly amazing thing EVER. And, uh, the have a recliner duel. A. Recliner. Duel.
Brilliant.

Because.

Oh. My. God.

"I gave you a key for emergencies!"
"We were out of Doritos." -Monica and Phoebe, when Monica finds Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler hanging out in her apartment.

"Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately." -Chandler, after Ross calls Pete 'Mr. Millionaire.'

"Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie!" -Joey's song, when he gets the part in the play.

" Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you." -Chandler, on why Joey was singing and dancing.

"Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realizes that life without me sucks." -Ross, pondering the reasons Rachel wanted to see him.

"What, like, Petetakota?"
"Yeah, or, or, or MississiPete." -Pete and Phoebe, thinking up names for the state Pete's going to buy.

"Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him!" -Monica, having fluffed Pete's hair before he left.

"Y'know uh, I--I don't know why my character likes you either. I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch."
"It doesn't say that in the script."
"It does in mine!" -Joey and Kate, after Kate questions her character's attraction to Joey's.

"You bug me." -Ross, to Chandler complaining about his cowlick.

"You can't just stare through the peephole for three hours! You're gonna get peep-eye!" -Chandler, to Ross, who's trying to spy on Rachel and Mark.

"You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower!" -Chandler, to Ross's complaining about Rachel dating Mark.

"And the inventor of doors rests happily in his grave." -Chandler, to Ross, who's freaking out because he can't see Rachel and Mark anymore.

"And unless you're thinking about subletting my peephole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over!" -Chandler, to Ross.

"Is it just me or does 'subletting my peephole' sound kind of dirty?" -Chandler.

"I can just go home and get back at him by myself." -Mark, to Rachel, after she shot down his idea about getting back at Ross on the couch.

"Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I'm gonna say, midget rodeo." -Monica, to Pete, after he asks her where they are.

"She thinks she's like the greatest actress since--since, sliced bread!"
"Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady Macbeth." -Joey and Chandler, talking about Kate.

"No, it's not like--like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no Gold Man." -Chandler, explaining to Phoebe that Spider-Man isn't his last name.

TO: Without the Ski Trip

Ross and Rachel breaking up didn't do good things for the group.

Ross: fights with Rachel every time they're in the same room. The others try to keep them apart as much as possible, but it doesn't go well. Ross invites the gang (except Rachel) to hang out with him to see his new home entertainment system. At Ross's, he thanks everyone for being there for him, then asks if they want to spend the weekend watching movies and playing darts. He learns about the ski trip and is really upset that everyone's abandoning him. They all offer to stay, but Ross decides he doesn't want a pity stay. As the others leave for the weekend, he goes to Carol's to talk. Carol is preparing a romantic dinner for her and Susan to celebrate an anniversary. She tries to be nice, but just wants Ross to leave. Ross starts in on the break up story. His pager goes off, but he doesn't recognize the number. It's Phoebe, calling from a rest area where her grandma's cab ran out of gas. Ross doesn't want to help because they all left him to go skiing, but Carol intervenes. Ross told Carol that Rachel fell in love with Mark, leaving out any mention of his sleeping with Chloe. Phoebe tells Carol the truth and Carol's disgusted with Ross. To get him to leave, Carol lets Ross use her car to go find his friends. Ross shows up and Rachel is less than thrilled. They fight. Ross says that Monica agrees with him about he and Rachel being on a break, so it's okay that he slept with Chloe. Monica says that isn't exactly what she meant. Ross says Joey agrees with him. Joey plays dumb. Finally, Phoebe intervenes and gets Ross and Rachel to agree to try and get along. They all go their separate ways, but Carol's car won't start. Ross shows up at Carol's again. Carol answers the door in her bathrobe. Ross wants to talk about how he replaced her car battery and what happened with his friends. Since Carol's busy, she kinda pushes him out the door and shuts it in his face.

Rachel: can't get along with Ross. She goes to Joey and Chandler's when everyone (but Ross) is eating dinner. She invites them to the Calvin Klein lingerie show, but they can't go because they promised to spend that evening with Ross. Rachel handles it pretty well and leaves. She comes back a few minutes later to invite everyone to her sister's ski cabin for the weekend. Everyone's really excited and they agree to the plan. The trip goes pretty well at first, until they go to the rest stop. Rachel doesn't like to go in public restrooms, so she decides to stay in the cab. When everyone else gets out, she decides to as well, but inadvertently locks the keys in the cab, which is still running. Monica and Phoebe want to call Ross when the cab runs out of gas, but Rachel refuses to accept that as a solution. When Ross shows up, she's furious and she and Ross fight. Ross drags Monica and Joey into it and Rachel confronts them. The others feel bad that Ross isn't able to come skiing with them, even though he came to help them with the car. Rachel refuses to let him come and they fight some more. Phoebe breaks it up. Ross says the others should go on their trip and not worry about him.

Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey: aren't taking the breakup well. It's put a huge strain on the group. They try to keep Rachel and Ross separated, but it doesn't work out. Every time the two are in the same room, they argue. While everyone (but Ross and Rachel) have dinner at Chandler and Joey's, they see that Chandler's started smoking again. He's taken the breakup really hard because it reminds him of his parents divorce. He's not interested in giving smoking up. They try really hard to do stuff with Rachel and Ross, but they have to say no to Rachel's lingerie show invite and no to Ross's weekend of movie watching. Ross is really upset and they try to comfort him, but he's not really interested in being anything but wounded. On the drive to the ski cabin, Chandler wants to smoke, but Phoebe won't let him. He says he needs to go to the bathroom and that they should pull over at the next rest area. Joey ends up really needing to use the bathroom. They pull over and Rachel locks the keys in the still running car. Joey can get the door open, he just needs a long wire. He asks one of the girls for their underwire from their bra. No one wants to give up their bra, but Phoebe finally does. Joey unlocks the door and they continue their adventure. They go a few inches and the car stalls because it's out of gas. Phoebe calls Triple A, but no one knows where exactly they are, so Triple A can't help them. Monica and Phoebe want to call Ross, but Rachel refuses to be in a car with him. Phoebe sneaks and calls him anyway. Monica distracts Rachel by pointing out the one cent tampons in the restroom. Chandler and Joey try to walk to the highway looking for help, but Chandler collapses because he smokes too much. When Ross shows up and he and Rachel start fighting, Chandler looses it. Phoebe yells at Ross and Rachel to stop, pointing out what's happening to Chandler. Phoebe says that Ross and Rachel have to get along and stop putting everyone else in the middle. She says that if they don't get along, they won't all be able to hang out anymore. Ross and Rachel agree to try to get along.

• I like and dislike this episode all at the same time. It's very confusing.
  

• The aftermath of the breakup is handled nicely, and, I think, realistically. Rachel is furious with Ross for going to bed with Chloe. Ross is enraged that Rachel won't agree they were on a break, so he wasn't actually cheating. It puts a significant strain on the group, which is somehow good to see. It wouldn't be as true to life if everyone acted like nothing'd happened between Ross and Rachel.
  

• Why I hate this episode:

He's a self-righteous prick.

• When Rachel learns her friends can't go to the Calvin Klein lingerie show, she's disappointed, but handles it with class. Ross just about goes to effing pieces when he learns about the ski trip. He's mad at everyone for leaving him, like they aren't Rachel's friends, too. I think the real issue is that he expects them all to side with him, and basically cut Rachel off. Whatever, Ross. Grow up.

• The stress of all the fighting makes Chandler take up smoking again.

It's really quite sad.

• I get that Ross is really hurting, but he completely disregards the fact that Carol has plans.
  

And eats the food Carol makes for Susan.

• I can't believe Ross tells Carol that Rachel feel in love with Mark! That's so far from the truth it's jaw dropping. And he never mentions that he slept with someone else. I'm guessing it's because he knows it was wrong he slept with Chloe and he doesn't want Carol to side with Rachel. Which she does.
  

• In fairness, Rachel is quite unreasonable, too. When the cab runs out of gas, the best solution is to call Ross. If they'd have done it in the first place, the issue would've been solved much faster.
  

• Poor Chandler

He totally loses it when Ross and Rachel fight at the rest area. He does a running-in-place, dance...thing. Apparently, it's an impression of Shelly Winters in The Poseidon Adventure. Oookay.

• I gave Phoebe a mental standing ovation when she finally calls Ross and Rachel out on their behavior. I always kinda see it as being more of Ross's fault than Rachel's. Ross is the one who drags Monica and Joey into the fight. He also makes the ski trip a choose-between-me-and-Rachel situation, when it really isn't.
  

• This episode is titled TO: Without the Ski Trip, but I'm pretty sure they do still go. Maybe it's called this because we don't get to see the trip? I don't know.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts." -Chandler, comparing Ross and Rachel's breakup to his parent's divorce.

"Closer than here?" -Rachel, to Monica, who wants to leave Central Perk when Rachel wants coffee.

"Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I'm--I'm smoking still." -Chandler, explaining his smoking.

"I'm tellin' ya something, that first smoke after nap time..." -Chandler, who started smoking when he was nine.

"Him? Him, Ross?"
"Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes are on the Sparrow!" -Phoebe and Chandler. I totally didn't get Chandler's reply, because I didn't realize he was saying hymn. Heh.

"No! We're gonna have fun! We can make fudge!" -Monica, talking about staying home from the ski trip to be with Ross.

"What does the sign say?"
"Beam me up, Jesus." -Phoebe and Chandler, when Chandler tries to smoke in the cab.

"Oh, I do! Oh, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning."
"So, if you're parents hadn't got divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?" -Chandler and Monica, after Chandler sarcastically replies to Joey's request for a hanger.

"Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us." -Chandler, to Phoebe, after being scolded for littering.

"Then why are you answering?" -Phoebe, to Monica, when Monica tries to guess what town they're near.

"I have the lung capacity of a two year old." -Chandler, after collapsing on the way to the highway.

"We were on a break!" -Ross, to Carol, when she learns he slept with someone else.

"You slept with another woman?"
"Oh, you're--you're--you're one to talk." -Carol and Ross. He does have a point.

"What's 'pleh'?
"That's 'help' spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!"
"Huh. What's doofus spelled backwards?" -Monica and Joey, when Joey forms the word 'help' out of twigs.

"Oh no! Now it's not gonna make any sense!" -Chandler, to Joey, after Ross walks through Joey's stick sign.

"Y'know what, I can handle it. Handle's my middle name. Actually, it's the uh, middle part of my first name." -Chandler, letting the others know he can take Ross and Rachel's arguing.

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?" -Rachel, to Ross.

"I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventures." -Chandler, explaining his strange dance thing.

TOW: Phoebe's Dad

Phoebe: looks at a picture frame Ross bought as a Christmas gift and says that the sample picture is of her father. Phoebe shows the gang pictures of the same guy, but it's obvious that they are the sample pictures that come with the frame. Monica informs Phoebe of this. Phoebe has a talk with her grandmother, where she learns that the man she has pictures of is not, in fact, her real father. Phoebe must deal with the fact that her father is not a celebrated tree surgeon, who is off in some far away jungle, unable to communicate with his family. He's actually a pharmacist who lives in upstate New York. Phoebe calls information to try to find a Frank Buffay in various cities in upstate NY, but she doesn't have any luck. Phoebe's grandma tells Phoebe her father's address and lets Phoebe use her cab. Once at her father's house, Phoebe can't go farther than the mail box. She's afraid her father will be a disappointment. Chandler and Joey console her.

Monica and Rachel: have no money so they give their mailman, paper delivery guy, and super a Christmas bonus in cookies. The paper guy leaves the cookies mushed in the sports section and fills in the crossword puzzle. The mailman steps on tree ornaments that Monica's mom sends. They're having a Christmas party and the radiator breaks. Mr. Treeger, the super, says he can't fix the broken radiator knob until Tuesday. Their apartment is sweltering for the party and all their guests have to take off most of their clothes. Mr. Treeger comes by because, when calling to get the radiator fixed, Rachel mentioned they were throwing the party. Ross gives Treeger a cash Christmas bonus, thinking it'd help them get the radiator fixed. Mr. Treeger was telling the truth and really can't get the knob until Tuesday; he also really liked Monica's cookies.

Ross: wants to make up with Rachel, but she's still mad at him. Ross tells Rachel to make a list of his bad traits. She does and says he's obsessive and uses too much hair gel. For the rest of the evening, through out the party, Ross obsesses over using too much hair gel. He's the one who breaks the knob off of the radiator. He gives Treeger two bonuses thinking it'll help get the radiator fixed.

Joey and Chandler: go with Phoebe to see her dad. They go with her because they haven't done their Christmas shopping and they want to stop at an outlet mall. They wait as Phoebe makes her attempts to go to the door of her father's house. When she can't make it up to the door, they comfort her. The make sure she understands that it's okay that she's reluctant to meet her dad after so much time. Joey fixes the radiator as soon as they walk in to Monica and Rachel's. Apparently, you can turn it off from the bottom. Since they didn't make it to the outlet mall, they buy everyone gifts from a gas station.

• To get Rachel to forgive him, Ross buys her a slinky. What the eff, Ross? You know what kind of girl Rachel is, you think a slinky is the magic gift?

• Rachel's list for Ross: whiney, obsessive, insecure, gutless, he doesn't ever seize the day, and too much hair gel.

He spends the entire party talking about his hair gel usage. But, seriously, Ross, you use too much. Just by looking at him you can tell that if you touched that hair your hand would be sticky for a week.

• This painting...thing...legit freaks me out.

It's kinda nifty, but it's 3Dishness is off-putting.

• Phoebe thinks Einstein was her grandfather...well, not exactly, but it's his picture her grandma displays, claiming it's Phoebe's grandfather.
  

• Look at the sweltering, half-naked party guests!

Gunther's stylin'!

• I'm thinking that Phoebe's dad would notice that there was a junky yellow cab sitting outside his house. Especially since Phoebe's there for at least a couple of hours.
  

• Chandler and Joey get everyone gas station merchandise. Rachel=windshield wipers and a new-car smell air freshener; Phoebe=toilet seat covers; Ross=a cola and a lemon lime soda; Monica=condoms.
  

• Ugly Naked Guy decorates his Christmas tree.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls." -Phoebe, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me." -Ross, looking at the newspaper crossword puzzle.

"I can't believe it's Christmas already. Y'know, I mean, one day you're eatin' turkey, the next thing y'know, your lords are a-leapin' and your geese are a-layin'."
"Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year." -Joey and Chandler.

"It's a Slinky! Remeber, huh? Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's...just a big spring." -Ross, showing Rachel her gift.

"How have you never been on Oprah?" -Rachel, to Phoebe after Phoebe explains her family situation.

"Ok, I smell smoke. Maybe it's because someone's pants are on fire!" -Phoebe, to her grandma about her father.

"Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?" -Chandler, responding to Monica's concern about Chandler and Joey not having bought presents yet.

"Phoebe here with the cab yet?"
"Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab...hop in." -Joey and Chandler, waiting for Phoebe.

"Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal." -Ross, to Monica wanting to try to fix the radiator.

"Nice seizing...gel boy." -Rachel, after Ross gives Treeger money.

"Yeah, no, it's still basil." -Rachel, under the mistletoe with Treeger.

"Ho, ho, ho, holy crap, is it hot in here!" -Chandler, walking in to Monica and Rachel's.

"And a LEMON LIME!" -Chandler, showing Ross the soda he got him.

TOW: Rachel Finds Out

Rachel: still has no clue that Ross has feelings for her, even though it's really obvious. Before her birthday party, she goes out for drinks with a guy named Carl, unaware that Ross is leaving for China. Once home, she wants to open her presents. She gets an antique cameo pin from the absent Ross. She's surprised by Ross's gift because she'd mentioned the pin to him months ago. Phoebe mentions how expensive it must've been and it comes out that Ross is in love with her.She tries to catch him at the airport, but he's wearing headphones and Rachel can't get any closer to him. She gives the airport lady a message to give to Ross, but the lady gives the message to the wrong man. She doesn't know what to do or how she feels about Ross, but she says her gut instinct is that they'd be really good together.The night Ross is due back, Rachel has another date with Carl. She tells Monica that her dating Ross would be weird for the group; Monica attempts to convince Rachel that it won't matter. On the balcony with Carl (Tommy Blaze), Rachel imagines Ross there, telling her what a good idea it'd be for them to get together. After imaginary Ross kisses her, Rachel abandons Carl to pick Ross up at the airport. She arrives with flowers as people begin walking off the plane.

Chandler: tells Ross to give up on Rachel because nothing's happened between them. He agrees to give Rachel Ross's present. After Rachel opens Ross's expensive gift, Chandler mentions that Ross did the same sort of thing when he fell in love with Carol. Chandler tries to take it back, but the cat's out of the bag. He doesn't want Rachel to go to the airport the first time because he doesn't want Ross to know he told. He's glad when Rachel doesn't catch Ross. He doesn't want Rachel to go pick Ross up at the airport either, but is okay with it when Rachel tells him it's a good going to the airport.

Monica: likes the idea of Ross and Rachel together, but apparently had no clue her brother was in love with Rachel. After Rachel misses Ross at the airport they engage in a hypothetical discussion about the ramifications of dating Ross. Monica thinks it's a great idea they were friends first, but Phoebe disagrees. Monica kind of freaks when they talk about what'll happen if Ross and Rachel break up. It's Monica's behavior that makes Rachel think dating Ross isn't a great idea, but Monica tells her that it's not a big deal. She freaks out a little again when Carl comes over the night Ross is supposed to get back. Rachel tells Monica she can have the rest of her date with Carl when she decides to meet Ross at the airport.

Phoebe: is mostly supportive of the Rachel and Ross thing, but, like Monica, had no clue Ross had feelings for Rachel. Phoebe is a little concerned that Rachel and Ross were friends first. She believes that they've bypassed dating and are already at a relationship stage because of their friendship.

Ross: gazes longingly at Rachel when she leans on him to look at pictures of Ben. He comes to Rachel's party with a garment bag; he can't stay because he has to go to China for a bone for the museum. Monica and Phoebe tell him about Carl. He goes out to the balcony to talk to Chandler and Joey. He asks about Carl and they tell him to forget about Rachel. He gives Chandler his present for Rachel. He has no idea that Rachel is at the airport when he leaves. He comes back from China. As he walks off the plane, he helps a woman (Lauren Tom) who drops her bag. Then, he kisses the woman and talks about how excited he is to introduce her to his friends.

Joey: has very little to do with the Ross-Rachel thing. He's mostly concerned with the fertility study he's participating in for NYU. He gets paid $700 after two weeks, but he won't get paid if he has sex. He's been dating a woman, Melanie (Corinne Bohrer), and she wants to do it and Joey doesn't want to tell her what he's doing for NYU. At Rachel's party, Monica tells him that he should do other things with Melanie besides just sex. Melanie is really happy with how that works out for her and tells Joey he's as giving as a woman. Joey is surprised by how well he can please Melanie without having sex. As soon as he gets paid, Joey says he can't wait to have sex again.

• There's, like, no one at Rachel's party and they barbecue. Somehow that doesn't really seem like a party Rachel'd like.
  

• How would the people at NYU know if Joey'd had sex during the study? I mean, I guess if he couldn't,uh, make a deposit they'd know, but other than that...it's not like he couldn't just lie if asked about it.

• Meet Melanie

Frumpy, fruit basket making Melanie doesn't strike me as someone Joey'd be attracted to. Pretty much ever.

• Monica wears the date sweater from TOW: the Ick Factor again. What's with her and that sweater? I could start to hate it.
  

• I'm confused. Monica and Phoebe had no clue that Ross was in love with Rachel. How could they miss it?

Cause that's not at all obvious.
I can kind of see how Rachel would miss it, especially since it's something she never really considered, but Monica and Phoebe? C'mon! They'd totally notice.

• I hate this skirt.

The side panel, wrap, thing-y is absolutely mind boggling.

• Carl is like every bad stand-up comedian stereotype ever in the world.

Loser.

• Rachel waiting at the airport with her little bundle of flowers is so adorable. Poor Rachel.

• I heart the moment when Rachel learns Ross loves her. It's amazing.
  

I think I need to start randomly exclaiming "crystal duck!" in awkward situations.

Oh. My. God.

"Just a little extra air in my mouth." -Chandler, making a noise of disgust at Ross mooning over Rachel.

"Men are here!"
"We make fire. Cook meat."
"Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back." -Chandler and Joey, ready to barbecue.

"Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me."
"Crazy bitch." -Joey and Chandler, discussing Melanie and the fertility study.

"Go to China. Eat Chinese food."
"Course there they just call it food." -Joey and Chandler, about Ross's trip.

"No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee." -Chandler, on Ross loving Rachel.

"What about the time difference?"
"From here to the airport?"
"Yes!" -Chandler and Monica, on Rachel going to talk to Ross at the airport.

TOW: the Monkey gets Away

Ross: listens as Rachel vents about Barry and Mindy being engaged. He thinks he's exactly the sort of guy that Rachel describes as being perfect. He tries to tell her that maybe she should look at someone who's already her friend, but he's interrupted as everyone else walks in. Ross mentions that tomorrow Rachel is going to watch Marcel for him. The next day over pizza, Ross tells Chandler and Joey that he's going to ask Rachel out that night. He has plans that involve wine, and etc...He gets to Monica and Rachel's only to have Rachel tell him she lost his monkey. He's angry and yells at Rachel for being irresponsible and never owning up to making mistakes. He's even more upset when he learns that Rachel called Animal Control, because Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. He and Rachel go around the neighborhood, searching for Marcel. They don't find him, but they see a delivery guy with a crate of banana's. The banana's lead them to Mr. Heckles, who's taken Marcel and dressed him in a tutu. After Marcel is returned, Ross and Rachel finally have their drink. Just as Ross is about to ask Rachel out, they're interrupted.

Rachel: opens the country club newsletter her mom sent her to see Barry and Mindy's engagement announcement. She's pretty upset by it, but she tells Ross it's not because they're getting married, it's because they're getting married and she's alone. She goes on to say that she's no longer completely off men, but is looking for the right one. The next day, she's watching Marcel and they're watching a soap opera together. Rachel realizes that Marcel pooped in Monica's shoe. She empties the poop on Barry and Mindy's wedding announcement, then takes it to the trash shoot. While doing this, she leaves the apartment door open and Marcel runs out. She tells Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler who go around the building looking for him. Rachel calls Animal Control and waits at the apartment to tell Ross what happens. Ross is furious and Rachel feels bad. It gets worse when the Animal Control person, Luisa (Megan Cavanagh), is a girl that went to high school with Rachel and Monica. Luisa hated Rachel. Rachel goes around the neighborhood with Ross and is the first to spot the man with the banana crate. She's able to blackmail Luisa into not taking Marcel. As Ross is about to ask her out, Barry storms into the apartment, saying he still loves her.

Phoebe and Monica: go the movies with Chandler and Joey. It's a chick flick, which they love. They are the first to go to Heckles's apartment and tell him they lost the monkey. They go down to the basement where they spot Marcel. Luisa comes down after them and tries to shoot Marcel with a tranquilizer. Phoebe jumps in front of the dart and gets shot in the ass. She spends the rest of the episode with half of her butt asleep (this is also how Rachel blackmails Luisa). Luisa didn't hate Monica because Monica was fat. Monica shows the gang pictures of her in high school.

Joey and Chandler: hate the movie they see with Phoebe and Monica. They also try to help Ross work up the nerve to ask Rachel out. While searching for Marcel they find two hot girls (literally, as their radiator broke). Chandler wants to help them fix their heating problem instead of search for Marcel, but Joey keeps him on track. Joey had a lot of fun in high school, having lots of sex and partying. Chandler went to an all boy's boarding school.

• Out of all the 'Friends' episodes, this is the one that I've seen the most. I am sooo sick of it.

• I am mildly in love with the skirt Rachel wears through most of this episode.

• Part of me thinks that Ross is a little unreasonable, but another part totally gets how he feels. If someone lost my monkey*, I'd take my frustration out on them, even though I know that's completely illogical. It's not like Rachel intentionally lost the stupid monkey.
  

• I just realized that the actor that plays Mr. Heckles is the same guy from 'Billy Madison' who does the weasel laugh.
  

• Luisa is in 'A League of Their Own.' All I can think of, as soon as I see her, is ,"There's no crying in baseball!!"

• Monica wasn't friends with Luisa in high school and doesn't even remember her. I thought Monica was friends with all the outcasts...Rachel was her only popular friend. I'm actually kinda unclear on why Monica and Rachel were friends in the first place.
  

• Chandler is the one who wants to abandon the monkey search to help the hot girls. That just doesn't compute. It should be Joey who has to be pulled away.
  

• Ugh, Barry.

• There's a really great moment at the beginning where Rachel memorizes Central Perk's tea selection and recites the whole thing to the wrong customer. It totally fits in with the fact that, no matter how hard Rachel tries, she still sorta screws up.
  

*I would never own a monkey. They're disgusting. There's a reason they're illegal, Ross. One word: Ebola.

Oh.My.God.

"Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!"
"Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?" -Rachel and Monica, as Rachel examines her mail.

"Barry who you almost-?"
"Barry who I almost."
"And Mindy, your maid of-?"
"And Mindy, my maid of." -Monica and Rachel, talking about the engagement announcement.

"Whoa, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?" -Ross, discussing relationships with Rachel.

"I meant female nudity, alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking."
"Hugh! Hugh Grant!" -Joey, Monica and Phoebe, about the movie they saw.
For inquiring minds, this is Ed Asner, who played Lou Grant:

Just a slight, slight difference between him and Hugh Grant.

"Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey..."
"I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey." -Ross and Chandler, about Ross making his move on Rachel.

"Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and uh, try to woo her."
"Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used." -Ross and Chandler.

"Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?" -Rachel, finding the monkey poo in Monica's shoe.

"Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room." -Chandler, on where to search for Marcel.

"No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with, like, a pen or a pencil." -Ross, scolding Rachel about losing Marcel.

"Ah, it's not you so much. You, you were fat, you had your own problems. But you? What a bitch." -Luisa, on Monica and Rachel in high school.

"A monkey."
"Yes, have you seen any?" -Joey and Chandler, asking the hot girls about Marcel.

"Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people." -Chandler to Joey, after Joey irritated the hot girls.

"I have no monkey, and a broken foot!" -Ross, after searching the Village for Marcel and kicking a street sign.

"Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea." -Phoebe, having taken an tranquilizer dart to the ass.

"You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat." -Ross, to Rachel after Luisa won't give them Marcel.

"We have got to start locking that door." -Ross, commenting after Barry busts into Monica and Rachel's.

"Eh. I thought that was an alp." -Chandler, looking at Monica's yearbook photos of being in the 'Sound of Music.'

TOW: All the Poker

They play poker. It's a battle of the sexes kinda thing. It all starts when Ross, Chandler, and Joey discuss their latest game in Central Perk and Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe want to know why they never play cards with any women. The guys say they don't know any women who play poker and the girls demand to be taught how. Monica and Ross do their whole, Geller competitiveness thing, which ups the men vs. women poker ante (yeah, yeah, it's lame). The girls lose their first game, and then enlist Monica's Aunt Iris (Beverly Garland) to teach them how to play. After their first lesson, they go to Ross's and play more, losing again. Aunt Iris gives the girls another lesson. The next game is at Monica's where Rachel ends up winning. Oh, and apparently playing Pictionary with Monica is dangerous because she once threw a plate.

The real story for this episode is Ross and Rachel.

Ross: is at Central Perk with Chandler and Rachel is working. Chandler teases Ross about how much he obviously wants Rachel. Ross denies it, but we all know it's a lie. During the poker, Ross is super-competitive and gives Rachel (and Monica and Phoebe) a talk about how, when he plays poker, he's not a nice guy. He and Rachel kind of get into it over his macho posturing, but Ross doesn't back down. The same thing happens in the second game, where Rachel losses the most and Ross teaser her mercilessly. During the final game, Rachel actually beats Ross. The next round, Rachel starts betting irresponsibly and goads Ross into not folding. Ross has the better hand, but allows Rachel to win (she doesn't realize this, of course).

Rachel: sends out tons of resumes at the beginning of the episode (a few typos not withstanding). She gets an interview at Saks to be an Assistant Buyer. The interview goes really well and she's sure she'll get the job. The stuff with Ross and the poker playing is going on at the same time. She's really irritated by how smug Ross acts when he wins. During their last game at Monica's, she wins a hand against Ross and is very excited. She gets the call from Saks about the job. She didn't get it. She starts betting quite a bit of money and everyone folds, but Ross. Rachel reminds him that he's not a nice guy, making him stay in the game. The pot gets up to around seventy bucks before they stop betting. Rachel shows her cards and has a full house; Ross tells her she wins. The girls celebrate, not knowing that Ross is lying and actually had the better hand.

• A few times since the first episode Rachel has said she's qualified for nothing. But she has a college degree, so that can't be true. She has to be qualified for something. I mean, my degree is absolutely worthless in the job market, but having a bachelor's degree I could get a fairly well paying job.
  

• Okay, I'm a girl. I've played poker. More than that, I understand and can win at poker. That's not to say I'll be appearing in the World Series of Poker anytime soon, or anything, but it is a skill that I have. Because of that, I'm kind of irritated by this episode. I'm not an ardent feminist, or whatev, but being a girl doesn't mean you don't have the mental faculties to play poker and to me Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are kind of portrayed as ding-bats.
  

• I hate Ross's giant dragonfly.

I kinda wanna throw it to the floor and watch it break. I don't know why.

• I'm a fan of the cardigan, in a general sort of way.
  

But even Mr. Rogers would object to Phoebe's.

• Ross is such.a.jerk. this episode. I'm not sure if it's the competitive thing or if he's trying to fool himself into thinking he's not interested in Rachel anymore, or both, but jeez. Letting Rachel win to make her happy is really sweet, but doesn't much lessen the asshole factor.

• There are two best.moments. ever. in this episode. I love it when that happens.
  

It's the moment before the opening titles. I never knew this was the Theme from "Bridge on the River Kwai." Then again, I've never seen that movie. I just thought the song was, like, a summer camp thing.

Moment two:



Oh.My.God

"Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for." -Chandler, responding to Rachel wanting to work for "Popular Mechanics."

"Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills."
"Oh my Gooood!! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?"
"Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few." -Ross, Rachel, and Joey, sending out Rachel's resumes.

"Could you want her more?"
"Who?"
"Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening." -Chandler and Ross, about Ross's feelings for Rachel.

"Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep'."
"And then he did." -Ross and Chandler, teasing Joey for crying after losing at poker.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz--." -Joey, complaining about the salmon roulettes and crudites Monica serves.

"Rach, Rach, we gotta settle."
"Settle what?"
"The Jamestown colony of Virginia... You see, King George is giving us the land, so..." -Chandler and Rachel, at the end of their first poker game.

"Yes, and I get my ya-ya's' from Ikea." -Chandler, while Rachel and Ross fight.

"Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black." -Phoebe, calling Monica a hypocrite for saying Ross is competitive.

"Oh, it's like the mother-ship calling you home." Phoebe, after Rachel gets an interview with Saks.

"Um, ok--the--the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?" -Chandler, responding to Rachel's 'guess what?'

"Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen..." -Ross, mocking Rachel, in rhyme.

"Your money's mine, Green."
"Your fly is open, Geller." -Ross and Rachel, during the last poker game.

"Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause...I gotta flush." -Ross. Please shut-up.

"Ahh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face." -Joey.

"Joey, I'm a little shy."
"That's ok, Ross, you can ask me. What?" -Ross and Joey, as Ross tries to ask for money to call Rachel's bet.