TOW: the Tiny T-Shirt

Ross and Rachel: Gunther waits on Rachel in Central Perk; the entire time he considers asking her out, but doesn't make a move. Mark meets Rachel there and asks her out. Gunther storms out and we hear him break a cup. Rachel talks to Phoebe about Mark's offer, but she's not sure she's ready to date. She still feels like dating Mark would be like cheating on Ross. Phoebe tells Rachel she's not over Ross yet and has issues with her dad. Ross goes to Chandler and Joey's, bragging about how Rachel asked him to come over. He thinks they're getting back together. He goes to Monica and Rachel's and Rachel gives him a box of his stuff. He's surprised, but acts like Rachel's right when she says they need to move on from each other. He looks through the box and notices a coffee mug he gave Rachel as a gift; he's angry she's giving it to him. They argue about it; Rachel offers to take it, but Ross won't give it to her. Ross gets mad and says that all of his stuff isn't in the box. He goes through the apartment and takes everything that belongs to him, including Rachel's favorite sleep shirt, an old "Frankie Say RELAX" shirt of Ross's. Rachel's furious he takes her favorite shirt, knowing he's only doing it out of spite. Ross puts it on to prove that he likes it and can wear it. It's skin tight and several inches too short, showing his tummy. Chandler and Ross head to Chandler's, on their way to the the apartment they pass Rachel and Mark going on a date. Ross is heartbroken. He stands at Chandler's peephole for hours, waiting for Rachel and Mark to get home, and obsessing over whether or not they'll kiss. Rachel and Mark come home, but go into the apartment. Ross flips out, planning to go over to Monica and Rachel's and interrupt. Chandler keeps him from going, convincing him that Rachel's moving on and he needs to, as well. Mark kisses Rachel, but Rachel can't get into it. She tells Mark she only dated him to get back at Ross. Mark says he's okay with being what she uses to get back at Ross (he's joking...mostly). Rachel declines the offer. Rachel comes home from work and Monica tells her Ross left her a box of her stuff. Rachel expected Ross to react like that, but she's surprised and pleased when she finds the "Frankie say" t-shirt in the box.

Joey: comes into Monica and Rachel's, doing a little cheer. Apparently, he got the lead role in a play and is quite excited. Joey goes to the first rehearsal and hits on his co-star, Kate (Dina Meyer); she's not interested. She thinks Joey's familiar, but can't place him. It's not from his stint as Dr. Drake Ramoray, but she mocks him from being a soap actor. Kate finally realizes she knows Joey from the milk spout infomercial. She makes fun of him. Joey complains to the gang about Kate. She told the whole cast about his milk infomercial. They now ask Joey to open their drinks and laugh at him. At another rehearsal, Kate asks the director why her character's supposed to be attracted to Joey. Joey retaliates. Joey storms into the apartment, pissed at Kate. She thinks she's friggin' awesome because she went to Yale Drama. Chandler points out that Joey's attracted to her. The next rehearsal, Joey kisses her deeply when they run a scene. The kiss causes her to change her view of Joey. He asks her out for coffee, but she's dating the director.

Monica: continues dating Pete, though she's still not attracted to him. They come home from a date and she quickly kisses him on the cheek and goes inside. She talks to the gang about how perfect Pete is, but that she still isn't attracted to him at all. Pete hangs out with everyone in Central Perk; they bug him about being a millionaire. When he leaves, instead of kissing him, Monica fluffs his hair. She complains to the gang that Pete is a wonderful guy, pretty much perfect for her, but she doesn't really feel a connection. She goes to a ribbon cutting ceremony at a hospital with Pete. He asks her where their relationship is going. She attempts to avoid the real issue, but ends up telling him she's just not attracted to him. He takes it pretty well because he's sure she'll change her mind. He asks her to leave the ribbon cutting and go get dinner with him. He quickly cuts the ribbon and they leave.

Chandler and Phoebe: Phoebe talks to Rachel about her issues with Mark and Ross. Chandler jumps on Ross's back to keep him from interrupting Mark and Rachel. He also tells Ross it's time to move on. Chandler talks to Joey about the rude actress, and is the first to figure out that Joey's attracted to her. He and Phoebe have a long conversation about why Spider-Man is named Spider-Man, and not Spiderman, like a last name. At the the end, Phoebe and Chandler are at his place, in the recliners. They're making superheroes out of people with last names that end in 'man.' They use Goldman and Tupperman. Then they have a recliner duel. It's epic.

• Ross acts like it's all Rachel's fault they're not together anymore. He talks about the "crazy fog" having lifted after she asks him to come over. Get over yourself, Ross.
  

• The tiny t-shirt

Ross sure has some nice arms for a paleontologist. Maybe it's lifting all those giant bones?

• Ross effing loses it when Rachel goes out with Mark. I can understand why he freaks out, it's sorta his worst fear coming true, but he's also totally unreasonable about it.
  

Chandler finally freaking calls Ross out on his hypocrisy. Ross is upset that Rachel's dating so soon after they broke up, and Chandler has to remind him that he slept with another woman three hours after Ross thought he and Rachel broke up. Yes, Chandler has to remind him of that.

• I love Pete, but I care very little about Pete and Monica in this episode. I do think it's nice that Monica's obviously not after Pete for his money. Oh, and Joey's stuff is funny, but I'm not that interested.
  

• Phoebe and Chandler are WONDERFUL.

The Spider-Man, Spiderman, conversation is the most randomly amazing thing EVER. And, uh, the have a recliner duel. A. Recliner. Duel.
Brilliant.

Because.

Oh. My. God.

"I gave you a key for emergencies!"
"We were out of Doritos." -Monica and Phoebe, when Monica finds Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler hanging out in her apartment.

"Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately." -Chandler, after Ross calls Pete 'Mr. Millionaire.'

"Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommy, oh daddy, I am a big old baddie!" -Joey's song, when he gets the part in the play.

" Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you." -Chandler, on why Joey was singing and dancing.

"Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realizes that life without me sucks." -Ross, pondering the reasons Rachel wanted to see him.

"What, like, Petetakota?"
"Yeah, or, or, or MississiPete." -Pete and Phoebe, thinking up names for the state Pete's going to buy.

"Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him!" -Monica, having fluffed Pete's hair before he left.

"Y'know uh, I--I don't know why my character likes you either. I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch."
"It doesn't say that in the script."
"It does in mine!" -Joey and Kate, after Kate questions her character's attraction to Joey's.

"You bug me." -Ross, to Chandler complaining about his cowlick.

"You can't just stare through the peephole for three hours! You're gonna get peep-eye!" -Chandler, to Ross, who's trying to spy on Rachel and Mark.

"You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower!" -Chandler, to Ross's complaining about Rachel dating Mark.

"And the inventor of doors rests happily in his grave." -Chandler, to Ross, who's freaking out because he can't see Rachel and Mark anymore.

"And unless you're thinking about subletting my peephole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over!" -Chandler, to Ross.

"Is it just me or does 'subletting my peephole' sound kind of dirty?" -Chandler.

"I can just go home and get back at him by myself." -Mark, to Rachel, after she shot down his idea about getting back at Ross on the couch.

"Well, with all these doctors and nurses, I'm gonna say, midget rodeo." -Monica, to Pete, after he asks her where they are.

"She thinks she's like the greatest actress since--since, sliced bread!"
"Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady Macbeth." -Joey and Chandler, talking about Kate.

"No, it's not like--like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no Gold Man." -Chandler, explaining to Phoebe that Spider-Man isn't his last name.

TOW: the Hypnosis Tape

Chandler: started smoking again in TO: Without the Ski Trip. He continues smoking here, much to everyone's chagrin. Chandler's scolded by Gunther as he walks into Central Perk with a cigarette. Chandler doesn't want to put it out and Gunther agrees as long as he can have a drag. Chandler gives him the whole thing. Chandler sits down with everyone and pulls out another cigarette. Rachel pulls it out of his mouth and throws it away. They do this a couple of times, before Chandler gets sick of it. Rachel gives him hypnosis tapes that helped a co-worker stop smoking. Chandler agrees to try it, with little hope it'll work. That night, Chandler listens to the hypnosis tape while he's sleeping. The tape is geared specifically to women. The more Chandler listens to the tapes, the more he starts acting like a woman. He comes into Monica and Rachel's for chap-stick and tells Rachel her blouse is 'stunning.' He puts the chap-stick on like it's lipstick, even blotting it with a tissue. Chandler goes to play basketball and notices Joey's keys still in the door. He throws them to Joey over-hand and sloppy, a stereotypically girlie throw. He comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist and one turbaned on top of his head. When Pete comes to pick up Monica he gives her advice like one of her girlfriends would. Chandler's sleeping one night when the voice on the tape changes. It's Joey, asking Chandler to make him cheese sandwiches and buy him hundreds of pairs of pants. Chandler wakes up. The good news, Chandler does stop smoking.

Phoebe: gets a surprise visit from Frank Jr. at Central Perk. Frank's really excited because he's getting married. Phoebe's mostly excited until Frank introduces his fiancee, Alice (Debra Jo Rupp), a middle-aged high school Home Ec. teacher. Phoebe tries to act supportive, especially since Frank is confiding in her, hoping she'll understand, unlike his mom. She becomes even more concerned when Frank and Alice talk about starting a family right away, but she doesn't say anything. She talks to Ross and Joey about her fears regarding Frank Jr.'s marriage. She wants to talk some sense into Frank, but isn't sure how. Instead, she asks Ross and Joey to do it. They reluctantly agree, but it doesn't go well. Phoebe learns that Ross and Joey are now part of the wedding party, so she decides to take matters into her own hands. She asks Alice over about a Home Ec. disaster, a marinara sauce stained white, lace tablecloth. She then tells Alice not to marry Frank. Phoebe comes home to a dark apartment, thinking she's alone. Frank Jr. is on her couch and scares her. Frank tells her how horrible his day was because Alice called off the wedding. He tells Phoebe how happy Alice made him, how she made all the awful stuff in his life not so bad. Phoebe tells him what she did and Frank is furious. He won't talk to her, so Phoebe brings Alice in to explain why their relationship wouldn't have worked out. Alice does pretty well at first, but then she and Frank end up making out on Phoebe's couch. Phoebe gives up and leaves.

Monica: is working one day when she asks Rachel to fix her up with someone. At the same time, she walks over to see if a frequent customer, Pete (Jon Favreau), needs anything else. Pete has a huge crush on her and asks her out all the time, but Monica always says no. Later that evening, Monica and Rachel argue about why Monica should date Pete. Monica isn't really attracted to him and doesn't want to lead him on. Rachel thinks it's only one date and Monica should just go for it. Chandler comes over for chap-stick and Rachel tells him how Pete wrote Monica a check for a $20,000 tip. Monica shows him the check and Chandler realizes that Pete is a millionaire, who invented really popular office place software. Monica goes to Pete's office to confront him about the check; she thinks he's trying to buy a date with her. Pete tells her that isn't the case, that he really likes her and thinks she likes him. She agrees to go out on one date with him. Everyone's really excited to meet the millionaire, but Monica keeps introduction brief. Pete says they're going out for pizza. They go to Italy. Like, really the country, not Little Italy or anything. The date seems to go well.

Rachel: is disgusted by Chandler's smoking and gives him the hypnosis tapes. Ross makes fun of her for advocating something as dumb as hypnosis. She says that he was hypnotized in Atlantic City, so he shouldn't make fun of it. Ross acts like it wasn't a big deal. She also really wants Monica to date Pete. Not just because he's a millionaire, but because he seems to really like Monica. And she thinks the $20,000 check is cute.

Ross and Joey: end up having to talk to Frank about not settling down with Alice so young. It goes really well until Frank says it's important to meet someone you really love and he has that with Alice. Ross says he had that with Rachel, but blew it. Joey wishes he had that. Instead of talking Frank out of marriage, they all think it's a great idea. Joey's going to be Frank's Best Man and Ross's supposed to be the Ring Bearer. Joey gets up to use the bathroom late one night and hears Chandler's hypnosis tape. He changes it.

• Monica and Joey practice their fake laughs. Monica's reminds me of Roseanne's. Like, Roseanne's laugh that was on the end of the opening credits. Which is kinda funny because Roseanne really hated Friends.
  

• The age difference between Frank and Alice doesn't bother me.
  

But she looks so much like a middle-aged soccer mom that watching her make out with Frank Jr. is just creepy. She should be serving cookies and going to church potlucks.
Also, you gotta wonder if they started doing it when Frank was still her student and under age.

• I heart the hypnosis tape. I say "I'm a strong, confidant woman" all the time. But, like, there's also this:

And this:

Chandler really manages to pull that look off.

• I get that Phoebe's trying to stop her brother from making a mistake, but despite being creeped out by the kissing, I think Frank and Alice are kinda adorable.

And not being with Alice makes him do this. Weird and sad.

• So, Jon Favreau plays Pete. I, for really no reason at all, love Jon Favreau. I sorta wish he'd lasted longer. Stupid, Ultimate Fighting Championship. Monica has the best boyfriends. He freaking takes her to Italy. ITALY.
  

• Out of all the things Joey could've asked for on the hypnosis tape, why freaking cheese sandwiches and pants? Not, like, all the money in your bank account?
  

• I'm irritated by them repeating gags. I know in a show with this many episodes, some things will happen twice, but it bugs me. In this episode, Ross hands Rachel a cup of some coffee like substance, but she didn't want cinnamon. Ross just scoops it out with his fingers. Monica and Chandler do the same thing in TOW: the Race Car Bed.

Oh. My. God

"Oh, dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit." -Gunther, taking a drag from Chandler's cigarette.

"Okay, that's like the least fun game ever." -Chandler, to Rachel, when she keeps taking his cigarette.

" Nope, that patch is no good." -Chandler, trying to use the hypnosis tape as a nicotine patch.

"Y'know, I would've bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married." -Chandler, about Frank's upcoming wedding.

"Yeah, or--or to get a hooker."
"Always illegal, Joey." -Joey and Chandler, talking about Frank Jr. being too young to drink at his own bachelor party.

"If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will?" -Chandler, watching Alice and Frank kiss.

"Well, that shouldn't be a problem I mean, I work in fashion and all I meet are eligible straight men." -Rachel, to Monica, after Monica asks Rachel to hook her up with someone.

"No, no. Oh, I'm fine with the age thing, y'know, until it starts sticking it's tongue down my little brother's throat!" -Phoebe, to Ross and Joey, about Alice and Frank.

"Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago? I just carry it around." -Chandler, about his briefcase.

"This is your time y'know? Yeah, you're young, you're--you're weird, chicks dig that." -Ross, to Frank Jr, on why he shouldn't marry Alice.

"You're supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of Romania." -Monica, to Pete, after he gives her the $20,000 check.

"Yeah, if the best is, like, unbelievable pain!" -Frank, to Phoebe, when Alice ends their relationship.

"My mother didn't want us to be together, but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch." -Frank, to Phoebe, discussing his mom's reaction to learning about Alice.