TOW: the Evil Orthodontist

Rachel: goes to lunch with Barry. He takes her to the Russian Tea Room and buys her some Chanel perfume. During lunch Rachel fails to tell Barry to leave her alone, because she has a lot of fun with him. The gang tries to tell her it's a bad idea. Monica convinces her to tell Barry it's over. She goes to see Barry that afternoon and they end up having sex in his orthodontist chair. Rachel feels guilty, especially since Barry is still engaged to Mindy. Rachel tells Monica about the sex and the rest of the group overhears. Mindy calls and asks to come by Central Perk the next day, while Rachel is working. Rachel is worried, sure that Mindy knows about her and Barry. When Mindy (Jennifer Grey) arrives she asks Rachel to be her Maid of Honor; Rachel agrees. Mindy then says she thinks Barry is seeing someone in the city. It comes out that Mindy and Barry were sleeping together while Rachel was engaged to Barry. Rachel tells Mindy that she slept with Barry. Rachel and Mindy confront Barry at his office. Mindy decides she still wants to marry him. Back at the apartment, Rachel tells Monica she's okay with everything; she knows now leaving Barry was the right choice.

Chandler: has a really great first date with a woman named Danielle. He tells the gang he doesn't want to call her, even though he really liked her, because he doesn't want to seem desperate. Phoebe makes him call, but the answering machine picks up and he hangs up. They convince Chandler to leave a message and he has to write a script. He finally leaves the message and is elated with his success. Chandler waits and waits for a call, but never gets one. Monica tells him he should just call her again. Danielle answers, but is on the phone and promises to call Chandler back. Chandler watches the phone some more. Joey comes in to Monica's, saying that he and Chandler's phone is turned off. The group is in Central Perk when Danielle walks in. She came by to see if Chandler was okay because she couldn't get a hold of him. After she leaves, Chandler decides he's not that interested; she had to be really desperate to come all the way down to the coffee shop.

Ross: spends the episode in anguish over the Barry and Rachel thing. He keeps telling Rachel to end it with Barry.

Joey and Monica: At the start of the episode, the gang sees someone watching them through a telescope. Monica is furious someone would invade their privacy that way. Joey makes it his mission to find out who the 'peeper' is. He finds out the name and calls the 'peeper'. The 'peeper' turns out to be a woman named Sidney, who is super nice to everyone, getting out of trouble.

Phoebe: makes Chandler call Danielle the first time.

• As they complain about the person with the telescope, they notice that Ugly Naked Guy has gravity boots. Ah, the joy of hypocrisy. It is a little different though, using a telescope all 'Rear Window' style, as opposed to simply looking out the window. A telescope implies some forethought into the voyeurism, after all.
  

• Barry repulses me on many, many levels.
  

Sex in an orthodontist chair can not be comfortable.

• Joey and Chandler live across the hall from Monica and Rachel. How is the peeper able to look into both apartments? This has bothered me for years. Unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.
  

• The fact that Joey cooks naked surprises me not at all.
  

• Jennifer Grey, sans watermelon and a recognizable nose, plays Mindy.
  

• Mindy is an idiot.
  

• Joey, Chandler, and Ross have a discussion about the best snack food spokesperson.

Mr. Peanut or Mr. Salty

You decide.
(I have never before seen Mr. Salty. Huh.)

Oh. My. God.

"I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaaazy." -Ross, during the snack food discussion.

"I feel violated. And not in a good way." -Chandler, after they first notice the peeper.

"Call her! Stop being so testosterone-y!"
"Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat." -Phoebe and Chandler, regarding calling Danielle.

"Her answering machine?"
"No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up." -Joey and Chandler, still about Danielle.

"He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know, you poke it and all the butter squirts out..."
"Not a good day for birds..." -Rachel and Phoebe.

"That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!" -Monica, referring to Chandler's very short message for Danielle.

"What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that." -Chandler, after learning Joey cooks naked.

"Y' don't think that makes me seem a little..."
"Desperate, needy, pathetic?" -Chandler and Ross, again with calling Danielle.

"You--you had what?"
"Sex in his chair." -Ross and Phoebe, learning about Rachel and Barry.

"It's--it's--it's, uh, a totally different situation! It's--it's apples and oranges! It's--it's orthodontists and lesbia--I gotta go." -Ross, saying that he and Carol are nothing like Rachel and Barry.

"Hell is filled with people like you." -Chandler, to Monica after she mimics a ringing phone.

"Get down?"
"...And boogie!" -Rachel and Chandler, as Joey tries to make them hide from the peeper.

"She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back..."
"Don't you have to pee?"
"S'why I'm dancing." -Chandler and Monica, after Chandler finally talks to Danielle.

"Four letters: "Circle or hoop."
"Ring dammit! Ring!" -Ross and Chandler, doing a crossword puzzle and starring at the phone.

"Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock!" -Rachel, about Barry.

"And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba." -Rachel, after Mindy decides to go ahead and marry Barry.

"You know he's gay?"
"I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?" -Phoebe and Ross.

TOW: All the Poker

They play poker. It's a battle of the sexes kinda thing. It all starts when Ross, Chandler, and Joey discuss their latest game in Central Perk and Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe want to know why they never play cards with any women. The guys say they don't know any women who play poker and the girls demand to be taught how. Monica and Ross do their whole, Geller competitiveness thing, which ups the men vs. women poker ante (yeah, yeah, it's lame). The girls lose their first game, and then enlist Monica's Aunt Iris (Beverly Garland) to teach them how to play. After their first lesson, they go to Ross's and play more, losing again. Aunt Iris gives the girls another lesson. The next game is at Monica's where Rachel ends up winning. Oh, and apparently playing Pictionary with Monica is dangerous because she once threw a plate.

The real story for this episode is Ross and Rachel.

Ross: is at Central Perk with Chandler and Rachel is working. Chandler teases Ross about how much he obviously wants Rachel. Ross denies it, but we all know it's a lie. During the poker, Ross is super-competitive and gives Rachel (and Monica and Phoebe) a talk about how, when he plays poker, he's not a nice guy. He and Rachel kind of get into it over his macho posturing, but Ross doesn't back down. The same thing happens in the second game, where Rachel losses the most and Ross teaser her mercilessly. During the final game, Rachel actually beats Ross. The next round, Rachel starts betting irresponsibly and goads Ross into not folding. Ross has the better hand, but allows Rachel to win (she doesn't realize this, of course).

Rachel: sends out tons of resumes at the beginning of the episode (a few typos not withstanding). She gets an interview at Saks to be an Assistant Buyer. The interview goes really well and she's sure she'll get the job. The stuff with Ross and the poker playing is going on at the same time. She's really irritated by how smug Ross acts when he wins. During their last game at Monica's, she wins a hand against Ross and is very excited. She gets the call from Saks about the job. She didn't get it. She starts betting quite a bit of money and everyone folds, but Ross. Rachel reminds him that he's not a nice guy, making him stay in the game. The pot gets up to around seventy bucks before they stop betting. Rachel shows her cards and has a full house; Ross tells her she wins. The girls celebrate, not knowing that Ross is lying and actually had the better hand.

• A few times since the first episode Rachel has said she's qualified for nothing. But she has a college degree, so that can't be true. She has to be qualified for something. I mean, my degree is absolutely worthless in the job market, but having a bachelor's degree I could get a fairly well paying job.
  

• Okay, I'm a girl. I've played poker. More than that, I understand and can win at poker. That's not to say I'll be appearing in the World Series of Poker anytime soon, or anything, but it is a skill that I have. Because of that, I'm kind of irritated by this episode. I'm not an ardent feminist, or whatev, but being a girl doesn't mean you don't have the mental faculties to play poker and to me Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are kind of portrayed as ding-bats.
  

• I hate Ross's giant dragonfly.

I kinda wanna throw it to the floor and watch it break. I don't know why.

• I'm a fan of the cardigan, in a general sort of way.
  

But even Mr. Rogers would object to Phoebe's.

• Ross is such.a.jerk. this episode. I'm not sure if it's the competitive thing or if he's trying to fool himself into thinking he's not interested in Rachel anymore, or both, but jeez. Letting Rachel win to make her happy is really sweet, but doesn't much lessen the asshole factor.

• There are two best.moments. ever. in this episode. I love it when that happens.
  

It's the moment before the opening titles. I never knew this was the Theme from "Bridge on the River Kwai." Then again, I've never seen that movie. I just thought the song was, like, a summer camp thing.

Moment two:



Oh.My.God

"Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for." -Chandler, responding to Rachel wanting to work for "Popular Mechanics."

"Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills."
"Oh my Gooood!! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?"
"Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few." -Ross, Rachel, and Joey, sending out Rachel's resumes.

"Could you want her more?"
"Who?"
"Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening." -Chandler and Ross, about Ross's feelings for Rachel.

"Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep'."
"And then he did." -Ross and Chandler, teasing Joey for crying after losing at poker.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz--." -Joey, complaining about the salmon roulettes and crudites Monica serves.

"Rach, Rach, we gotta settle."
"Settle what?"
"The Jamestown colony of Virginia... You see, King George is giving us the land, so..." -Chandler and Rachel, at the end of their first poker game.

"Yes, and I get my ya-ya's' from Ikea." -Chandler, while Rachel and Ross fight.

"Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black." -Phoebe, calling Monica a hypocrite for saying Ross is competitive.

"Oh, it's like the mother-ship calling you home." Phoebe, after Rachel gets an interview with Saks.

"Um, ok--the--the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?" -Chandler, responding to Rachel's 'guess what?'

"Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen..." -Ross, mocking Rachel, in rhyme.

"Your money's mine, Green."
"Your fly is open, Geller." -Ross and Rachel, during the last poker game.

"Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause...I gotta flush." -Ross. Please shut-up.

"Ahh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face." -Joey.

"Joey, I'm a little shy."
"That's ok, Ross, you can ask me. What?" -Ross and Joey, as Ross tries to ask for money to call Rachel's bet.

TOW: Two Parts, Part 1

Chandler: has to fire someone because the WENUS is out of whack. That someone is Nina (Jennifer Grant) the Bookbinder, whom Chandler has a crush on. Due to the crush, Chandler doesn't fire her, but asks her on a date. He never mentions that she's been fired. Things work out fine until Chandler's boss walks in on him and Nina in Chandler's office. The boss asks Chandler why Nina is still there and Chandler tells him that Nina has a psychiatric problem and does not remember being fired in the first place. Chandler says he wants to wait to fire her again until she's more stable. Nina comes to ask Chandler why people keep taking her scissors. His lies unravel and Nina learns the truth. She attacks his hand with a stapler.

Ross: has discipline problems with Marcel. He goes to Lamaze classes with Carol and Susan. There's awkwardness with trying to explain relationships, Susan and Ross fight a little. Carol can't make it to the class one day and Susan and Ross must do the lesson themselves. After watching a birthing video, Carol decides she doesn't want to go through with the birth. In comforting her, Susan mentions they're going to be parents and it finally hits Ross he's going to be a father. Ross is worried he won't be any good at it because he's not very good with Marcel.

Joey: eats at Riff's with Chandler, where they meet Phoebe's twin sister, Ursula. Joey is attracted to Ursula and goes back to Riff's to see her. Ursula and Joey start dating; Joey really likes Ursula. Phoebe is concerned about his relationship with Ursula, but Joey doesn't really pay attention to Phoebe's worries. Joey and Ursula have sex at the end of the episode.

Phoebe: tells Joey that she doesn't mind if he dates Ursula, but it's clear that she does. At Central Perk she's mistaken for Ursula by some Riff's patrons (Helen Hunt and Leila Kenzle...I think, from 'Mad About You'). Joey buys a birthday sweater for Ursula and asks Phoebe to try it on. Phoebe tells Joey she's not happy about him dating Ursula. Joey likes Ursula so much by this point, he disregards Phoebe's feelings. Phoebe asks if Joey and Ursula have had sex, but they hadn't yet. At Monica's, they flip the t.v. to a show with sisters and Phoebe asks them to turn it off. They all (except Joey) talk about Phoebe's feelings. It comes out that she's afraid Ursula will break Joey's heart, ruining Phoebe's friendship with Joey. The gang tells her to tell Joey what she just told them. She goes across the hall and Ursula answers the door, wearing nothing but a button-down shirt.

Rachel and Monica: are sorta fighting because Rachel hasn't taken the Christmas lights off the balcony yet. At the end of the episode, Rachel goes out to take the lights down and falls off the balcony. Her leg gets wrapped in the string of lights, keeping her from reaching the ground.

• This is a crossover episode with 'Mad About You.' Sort of. Lisa Kudrow played Ursula on 'Mad About You' before being cast as Phoebe. It's a good way to join the two shows, though, since Lisa Kudrow continued appearing on 'Mad About You.' I never watched 'Mad About You,' so I'm not really an authority on things that happened on that show.
• I can't find a picture of this, but Monica's hair is very Tracy Turnblad at the beginning of this episode. I kinda wish this was a fat-Monica episode; it'd be perfect.
  

• So, the Christmas lights aren't there in TOW: the Stoned Guy.

• Susan looks like she just walked out of the Salem Witch Trials.
  

• Monica knits and Chandler and Rachel hold her yarn. I'm pretty sure this is the only time Monica knits, ever. It's pretty sad that Chandler and Rachel have time to sit around and hold Monica's yarn.
  

• Chandler meets Leatherstocking. James Fenimore Cooper would be proud.
  

• I don't really think that stapling someone's hand is the way to go about defending your sanity.
  

• I'm not overly impressed by part 1. It's a bit...lackluster. It's moderately funny and some stuff happens, but I really don't see why this had to be a two-parter. Not much happens with Ross at Lamaze class until they see the birthing video; a lot of Ross's stuff could've been cut, I think.

• Sometimes Nina's last name is listed as "Bookbinder" but other times she's listed as"Nina the Bookbinder." I don't know.
  

• The 'S' in the WENUS acronym changes meaning! Instead of 'Systems' it's 'Statistics.' I guess the writers realized 'Systems' didn't make much sense.
  

Oh. My. God.

"This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now." -Chandler, waiting to be served at Riff's.

"I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control." -Ross, complaining about Marcel.

"You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore." -Chandler, after discussing the physical differences between Ursula and Phoebe with Joey.

"So, twins. Huh, that's like two births. Ouch." -Ross, deflecting attention from himself, Carol, and Susan at Lamaze class.

"Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack."
"Your--Excuse me?"
"WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics."
"Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS." -Chandler and Nina, talking about the WENUS.

"It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies." -Mr. Douglas, Chandler's boss on the Annual Net Usage Statistics.

"Y'know, once your inside, you don't have to knock anymore." -Chandler, responding to a knock on the door after Joey comes in.

"Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of 'capade." -Chandler, learning that Joey is taking Ursula to the Ice-Capades.

"Knit, good woman! Knit, Knit!" -Chandler to Monica, as Phoebe and Joey argue.

"What do you know? No one's come up to you and said, 'Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it'?!?!" -Carol, after seeing the birthing video. Also, why I will never have children.

"Y'know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different." -Chandler, as Ross compares Marcel to his unborn son.



Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow!!!

TOW: the Stoned Guy

Chandler: gets offered a job as 'processing supervisor.' He comes to Central Perk and tells the gang he quit his job because he didn't want to do...whatever it is he does (data input?) forever. He goes to a career counselor and after eight hours of tests learns he's suited to do exactly what he'd been doing. Chandler doesn't like this news; he hoped to learn he was destined for something better. Chandler's old boss, Al, keeps calling and making him better offers to take the processing supervisor job. Chandler eventually takes the job and is pleased with his big office, intercom, and assistant. At the end of the episode, he's working late and worrying about the WENUS, while the gang wants to go out to a movie.

Ross: starts dating the 'curator of insects' for the museum, Celia. Joey convinces Ross that she'll love Marcel, but she does not. Celia asks Ross to talk dirty to her and he fails. He goes to Joey for dirty talking advice. Joey has Ross practice on him and Chandler walks in. The practice helps, though, because Ross is able to dirty talk really well on his next date with Celia. They don't have sex because Ross's dirty talk scenario lasts so long they're both tired.

Monica: learns that one of Phoebe's massage clients, Steve (John Lovitz), wants to open a restaurant and is looking for a head chef. She has a great first meeting with Steve and sets up a time for her to make dinner for him, as a sort of audition. Rachel and Phoebe are in attendance the night of the dinner. Steve is really strange, scarfing down food and going through Monica's cabinets. Rachel lets Monica know that Steve is high. The night culminates with a trip to the ER after Steve eats a kitchen magnet. Monica is disappointed that her chance at becoming a head chef didn't work out.

Phoebe: tells Monica about the job opportunity with Steve. Monica wants Phoebe to be at the dinner to make 'yummy noises'. Phoebe takes a cab with Steve over to Monica's for the dinner. On the way, Steve smokes some pot. Phoebe is able to warn Rachel, but not Monica. The next time Steve comes to the massage parlor, Phoebe is really rough with him (hehehehe).

Rachel: is upset when she learns that Monica hired a girl from the restaurant she works at to waitress, instead of Rachel. When the other waitress backs out Rachel is reluctant to step in until Monica offers to pay her 20 bucks an hour. Rachel has to do a little charade thing to tell Monica that Steve is high.

Joey: helps Ross by giving him a lesson in dirty talking.

• Ah, the WENUS. In case you were wondering that's, Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. Is it just me or do none of those words make sense when put together?

• If I was Chandler, I'd be happy that I wasn't the curator of insects for a museum.
  

• I'm just going to let this speak for itself.

First, really, Ross? Neil Diamond? Seriously? Now I can't get 'Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon,' out of my head. Thanks for that.

Matt LeBlanc looks like he's about to lose it after Chandler walks out. For some reason, I'm always tickled when actors crack themselves up.

I think that Ross is wearing the same shirt here as he is in the beginning of the episode.

• JOHN LOVITZ!!!
  

Here we have the unexplainable phenomenon where I see an actor and get so excited for absolutely no reason. I don't much like John Lovitz, I sorta think he's a creep, but every time I see him in something my brain shrieks JOHN LOVITZ!!!!

Oh. My. God.

"The WENUS?"
"Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term."
"Oh...that WENUS." Rachel and Chandler, about why Chandler quit his job.

'Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream."
"Ah, the lesser-known 'I don't have a dream' speech." -Chandler and Ross.

"Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I might introduce her to my monkey."
"And he's not speaking metaphorically." -Ross and Chandler, about Ross's upcoming date with Celia.

"It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amuse-bouche."
"Well...it is amuse-ing." -Monica and Chandler, taste-testing Monica's cooking.

"Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!!!" -Joey, during the dirty talk lessons.

"Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?"
"Ok, Ok. I'm with you Cheech." -Phoebe and Rachel, after Steve gets high.

"Well, slap my ass and call me Judy!" -Steve, enjoying an amuse-bouche.

"Ah, cool! Taco shells!! Y'know, these are...they're like a little corn envelope." -Steve, going through Monica's cabinets. Also, my reaction to taco shells.

"Yes, Fran, I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!" -Chandler, at work.

TOW: the Candy Hearts

Valentine's Day!!!

Ross-hangs out in Central Perk with Chandler and Joey on Valentine's Day Eve. While there, he sees an attractive woman that lives in his building, Kristen. He borrowed an egg from her once and Joey suggests that he give her an egg back as a conversation starter. Ross gets a date for Valentine's Day. He and Kristen go to a sushi restaurant for dinner. They have a pretty awkward date, which only gets worse when Carol and Susan come in. Susan is called away for her job and Ross feels bad for Carol. He invites Carol to eat with him and Kristen. Kristen ends up leaving. Ross talks to Carol about getting back together because they were so good together. Carol says no, telling Ross he just needs to find a woman who likes men.

Chandler- gets roped into going on a double date with Joey on Valentine's Day Eve. Chandler's date turns out to be Janice. Joey ducks out early with his date, leaving his credit card with Chandler and Janice. Chandler takes advantage of the card, buying lots of alcohol for he and Janice. The next morning Chandler wakes to find Janice in bed with him. She thinks they're back together. Chandler is forced to break up with her on Valentine's Day. She's also brought him special candy hearts that say "Chan and Jan 4ever." Janice tells him the breakup is okay, because she knows he loves her.

Monica, Phoebe, Rachel- don't have dates for Valentine's Day. Instead, they decide to do a cleansing ritual to break the bad boyfriend cycle. They burn their ex's stuff. Rachel pours Paolo's grappa into their small fire and it gets out of control. They call the fire department and are embarrassed when the firemen know they were burning their ex-boyfriends things. They flirt with the firemen and ask them out. The firemen agree and the girls think the ritual worked. As the firemen leave the audience learns they're married.

Joey- finally gets a date with Lorraine, a girl he's been after for awhile. The only catch is, Joey has to bring someone along for Lorraine's needy friend. Joey gets Chandler to come with him and the friend turns out to be Janice. During dinner, Lorraine is all over Joey and they leave early due to the promise of slathering. Chandler is mad at being left with Janice, especially after they end up sleeping together. Joey stays with Chandler as he breaks up with Janice.

• I really like the egg thing. It's pretty sweet, I think.

• Look at all of Janice's gold jewelry!!!

Cash 4 Gold was created with her in mind.

• I didn't know Joey had a credit card! I thought Chandler always paid for everything. He'll probably end up paying for all the charges anyway, so what's the point of pretending?

• As Janice is leaving Chandler and Joey's, Monica sees her. Monica has Rachel come out and see, Joey comes home, and Monica calls Ross. What about Phoebe? She really is the last to know.

Hehehehe, I love this picture. And Rachel's pj's.

• I think Ross's thing about how much a dog ages on a cross-continental flight is witty. I'm a nerd.
  

• Susan is some kind of photographer, or maybe, like, an ad. executive, or something. I didn't realize they had emergencies that required pagers and needing to be at the studio at a moments notice.
  

• Carol is admirably sweet with Ross. I like that they're able to have a conversation about getting back together, as unrealistic as that is, without fighting or being mean.

I've always wondered if the mushroom-on-forehead thing was an accident.

• The one firefighter has, like, Rod Blagojevich hair. It's weird.
  

Oh. My. God.

"She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend."
"Think it'll work.?"
"No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg." -Chandler and Joey, about Ross's egg.

"But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do." -Monica, telling Phoebe she shouldn't go out with Roger on Valentine's Day.

"Can you stop yelling'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous." -Joey, in the men's room with Chandler, being scolded about Janice.

"Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks." -Phoebe, discussing what a cleansing ritual entails.

"She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely wanna be a part of it." -Joey, bailing on Chandler.

"The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her...close personal friend." -Ross, explaining to his date who Carol and Susan are.

"Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man."
"Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place." -Phoebe and Rachel, during the cleansing ritual.

"And, Kristin--Kristin--does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!" -Ross trying to introduce his date to Carol.

"You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Jan-ICE, Jan-ICE. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it." -Janice, saying good-bye.

TOW: the Boobies

Joey: is visited by his father, Joey Sr (Robert Costanzo). Joey Sr. is on the phone, saying romantic things. Joey assumes it's his mom and takes the phone from his dad. Joey learns that his dad has a mistress, Ronnie (Lee Garlington), a pet mortician. They've been together six years. Joey is furious. He and Chandler leave Monica and Rachel's one night to find a woman waiting outside their apartment. It's the mistress, looking for Joey Sr. Ronnie ends up staying over; Joey makes his father and Ronnie sleep in separate rooms, with he and Chandler taking the couch. Before bed, Joey tells his dad to end it with Ronnie or tell his mom what's going on. Joey tells Chandler he's worried he'll end up being like his father, but Chandler reassures him. The next day Joey's mom (Brenda Vaccaro) comes to visit. She tells Joey she was happy with the way things were; she knew about the affair, but was ignoring it. In the end, Joey butts out and his dad continues seeing Ronnie and his mom continues pretending it isn't happening.

Phoebe: dates a psychiatrist, Roger (Fisher Stevens). Phoebe really likes him and the gang seems to really like him, too. That is until Roger starts psychoanalyzing everyone. The gang starts to really hate Roger and they tell Phoebe how they feel. Phoebe talks to Roger about it. Roger responds by criticizing the group. Phoebe breaks up with him.

Chandler: goes to Monica and Rachel's one morning, raiding their refrigerator. Rachel comes out from a shower, wearing only a towel. Chandler sees her boobies. Chandler is Roger's first victim; Roger tells him he uses humor to create distance with people.

Rachel: walks out of the shower and drops her towel when Chandler scares her. She's a little mad at him for seeing her boobies. Ross suggests that she'd feel better if she got to see Chandler's thing. Ronnie tells Rachel that Chandler is in the shower and Rachel goes into Chandler and Joey's bathroom, expecting to see naked Chandler, but it's Joey. Rachel tells Roger a traumatic story about Weebels being given away.

Ross: is told by Roger that he married Carol because he wanted his marriage to fail. Roger also says Ross may have married a lesbian to make up for over shadowing a sibling. Ross is not happy thinking that he subconsciously knew that Carol was a lesbian and married her to make Monica look better to their parents.

Monica: is equally upset by Roger's psychoanalysis. She eats cookies to make herself feel better. Joey walks in on her in the shower, thinking it's Rachel. Monica tries to walk in on Joey as pay-back, but walks in on Joey Sr. instead.

• Here's a more concise breakdown of all the nakedness. Chandler sees Rachel. Rachel sees Joey. Joey sees Monica. Monica sees Joey Sr.
  

• I'm honestly surprised that they haven't all seen each other naked before this point. I mean, with all the times Joey and Chandler walk in unannounced. And in the flashback episode, of how they all met, Joey takes his clothes off when Monica fixes him lemonade.
  

• I hate Fisher Stevens.

It's an irrational sort of hate. I have no reason to dislike him. I just do. Doesn't he just--just look irritating?

• This is Ronnie and Joey Sr. :
  

Joey Sr. reminds me of Danny DeVito. I can't even bring myself to talk about Ronnie's clothes. Are--are those stirrup-pants?? With cowboy boots??? I love this picture, btw, it looks like Ronnie is about to beat the crap out of Joey Sr.

• I would not stay with my husband if he had a mistress. I'm not sure if it's admirable or stupid that Joey's mom is willing to overlook it. Granted, that's probably a little heavy for a 'Friends' episode. I'm just sayin.' I do like this storyline, though. It gives Joey a chance to be mature. And it shows that there's a heart under the womanizing exterior.
  

Oh.My.God.


"That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your...nipular areas." -Chandler, after seeing Rachel's boobies.

"It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts." -Chandler, explaining the boobie incident to Ross.

"Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice." -Rachel, disliking Chandler saying her boobies were only nice.

"Alright, alright. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee." -Ross, attempting to resolve the boobie incident between Rachel and Chandler.

"C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat."
"Well, I'm not showing you my 'tat'." -Rachel and Chandler, over whether she gets to see his 'pee-pee.'

"Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!" -Ross, after Roger's psychoanalysis.

"Oh look, it's the woman we ordered." -Chandler, finding Ronnie outside their apartment.

"Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip." -Chandler, after Ronnie offers a Cheese Nip.

"I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!" -Joey, after having a talk with his dad.

"I've been thinking. Y' know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls..."
"Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?" -Joey and Chandler.

"If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom." -Chandler on his future.

TOW: Mrs. Bing

Monica and Phoebe: are at a newsstand when they see an attractive guy. Phoebe convinces Monica to whistle at him. When Monica does, the guy looks up and is hit by an ambulance. Phoebe and Monica visit 'Coma Guy' in the hospital and take care of him. They start fighting over him because they each start visiting the hospital separately. Phoebe is performing a song about the guy in Central Perk and Monica sneaks out to visit him. Phoebe chases after Monica. When they get to the hospital the guy is awake, but not as gracious as Phoebe and Monica expected. They're angry at him and leave the hospital as friends again.

Ross: is upset when Paolo comes back from Rome. Paolo and Rachel are all over each other and Ross is jealous. He drinks too much tequila at dinner with Chandler's mom (Morgan Fairchild) because of Paolo and Rachel. Ross goes to the restroom and when he exits Mrs. Bing is using the pay phone. They talk about Rachel and Paolo and how Paolo is a secondary character, but Ross is the hero. They end up kissing. Joey catches them, but d0esn't tell Chandler. Ross tries to convince Joey to never tell, but Joey doesn't agree. Ross first tells Chandler that Paolo kissed his mom, but then confesses he kissed Mrs. Bing. Chandler won't talk to him, but Ross tries to apologize. Ross attempts to make Chandler see that there were two people involved in the kiss and he should be mad at both. Ross and Chandler make up after Chandler talks to his mom.

Chandler: is not happy when he learns his mom is coming for a visit. Mrs. Bing ) is a romance novel author and appears on' The Tonight Show' to promote her book. She's over the top and very open about her sexuality, making Chandler incredibly uncomfortable. The group, and Mrs. Bing, go to dinner at a Mexican restaurant where they drink lots of tequila. Chandler notices that Joey and Ross are being weird, but does not know why, until Ross confesses he kissed Chandler's mom. Chandler is angry with Ross, but not as angry with his mom. Chandler finally confronts his mom about her behavior and feels better, forgiving Ross.

Joey: goes to the bathroom at dinner and sees Ross and Mrs. Bing kiss. He doesn't tell Chandler, but he thinks that Ross should confess. He gets upset when Ross says that Mrs. Bing isn't like a regular mom because she's hot. Joey wants to know why his mom isn't hot and tries to convince Ross for the rest of the episode that she was attractive in her day.

Rachel: spends most of the episode making out with or being licked by Paolo. She loves Mrs. Bing's books and decides to write her own. She hands out copies of the last chapter for everyone to read. There are a lot of typos in the manuscript and everyone makes fun of her. She takes the copies back.

• Let's take a moment to admire Phoebe's 'Blossom' Hat

Monica's hat is pretty epic, but Phoebe's is in a class all its own.

• I guess if you had to get hit by a car, an ambulance is the right vehicle for the job.
  

• I'm not sure how I feel about the hotness of Coma Guy. Here he kinda looks like Cary Elwes. 'Princess Bride' era Cary Elwes, not 'Saw' era.
  

But sometimes, especially in the coma and after he wakes up, he reminds me of Willem Dafoe.

• I for one think Nora Bing is freakin' awesome. She writes a book called 'Mistress Bitch' for christ's sake! What's not to love? Also, if that book really existed, I'd totally buy it.

• Monica and Phoebe's storyline is a little, ummm, boring and dumb. I'm just really not in to them fighting over this guy that neither of them know. Maybe if I found coma guy more attractive I'd understand, but as it is, this part of the episode makes me all 'eh.'
  

• I'll admit to occasionally having the mentality of a twelve year old boy when it comes to dirty things. I still giggle when people say sixty-nine, after all, but Rachel's typos in her book make my flippin' day.
  

• Chandler's mom:
  

• I still want to know why Mrs. Bing was arrested. They never say. It has something to do with sex and Kung Pow Chicken....ah, the endless possibilities.
  

Oh. My. God

"Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn around and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'? -Monica, after Coma Guy was hit by the ambulance.

"Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?" -Chandler, after learning about Coma Guy

"When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?"
"Last night."
"Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?...Just a dream I had-but, phew." -Ross and Monica.

"Your mom was arrested?"
"Shh, busy beaming with pride." -Phoebe and Chandler, watching Mrs. Bing on 'The Tonight Show.'

"Oh no, I'm a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms."
"...And then he burst into flames." -Mrs. Bing and Chandler.

"Uhhh, I'll just pee in the street." -Joey, seeing Ross and Mrs. Bing kissing on his way to the bathroom.

"He's not even wearing a jockstrap!"
"What did I ask?" -Joey and Monica, as Joey and Ross are trying to hide what they're talking about after Ross kisses Mrs. Bing.

"Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?" -Rachel, asking for Monica's advice on her romance novel

"Because it's complicated, it's complex-Hey, you kissed my mom!"
"We're rehearsing a Greek play." -Chandler and Ross, arguing in Central Perk.

"You kissed my best Ross!" -Chandler, confronting his mom.

"Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door." -Ross, finding Joey eavesdropping.

"Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her 'heaving beasts'."
"What's a 'niffle'?"
"You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'." -Rachel, Monica, and Joey, reading Rachel's first chapter.

"Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? You don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!" -Ross, reading Rachel's first chapter.

TOW: the Monkey

It's the holiday season in 'Friends' land!

Ross-gets a monkey, named Marcel. Ross is glad to have a pet since Carol left. Things with Marcel are not great; Monica doesn't like him, and he becomes distant with Ross. Chandler checks in on Marcel one night when Ross has to work late, and Chandler and Marcel have a great time. At the New Year's party, Marcel ignores Ross the whole night. Oh, Ross is the only person who doesn't have a date for New Year's at any time during this episode.

Monica-doesn't like Marcel at all, especially when he messes with her spatulas and pees on her coffee table. Really, can you blame her? She invites an ex-boyfriend, Fun Bobby, to New Year's. When Fun Bobby arrives he's no fun because his grandpa just died.

Phoebe- performs in Central Perk where she's interrupted by two geeky looking guys, David (Hank Azaria) and Max. They were discussing how beautiful David thought Phoebe was. David is a physicist. Anyway, he and Phoebe start dating and he becomes Phoebe's New Year's date. Before the party, though, David learns that he and Max got a grant to study in Minsk for 3 years, starting January 1. David doesn't know what to do and lets Phoebe make the decision, which is for him not to go. Max is furious. At the New Year's party, Phoebe sees how much going means to David and tells him that he has to go.

Joey-doesn't get the job as mall Santa Claus, a job he's had before. Instead, he's an elf. At work, he meets a single mom and invites her to New Year's. Sandy, the single mom, brings her kids to the party, which makes Joey feel awkward. He ends up taking care of the kids while Sandy hooks up with scientist guy Max.

Chandler- is freaking out about not having a New Year's date. To take the pressure off, he decides that everyone should make a pact not to have dates for New Year's. They halfheartedly agree. When Chandler learns Phoebe invited David, he acts all mad, but in actuality had already invited Janice. Janice thinks this means they are back together and spends most of the party saying how happy she is they're dating again. Chandler finally tells her the truth and Janice is mad.

Rachel-thinks Paolo is going to be in Rome for New Year's, so she's dateless irregardless of the pact. Paolo gets an earlier flight, though, but he misses it. Rachel is attacked by an angry woman at the airport, fighting over a cab. The woman tackles her, making Rachel hit her head on the curb and cut her lip on her attack whistle. Rachel tries to have fun at the party, but her eye is swelling shut and she can't drink anything without spilling it.

In the end, they all don't have dates, like they agreed on. Chandler really wants to kiss someone, but Phoebe's too sad and Rachel's lip hurts too bad. Monica doesn't want to kiss everyone. Joey ends up kissing Chandler to make him shut-up.

• I freaking love Hank Azaria!! Sweet, nerdy David is only one of the reasons I love Hank Azaria so very much. Agador, effing Spartacus???? I'm not sure if anyone else's ever seen Eulogy, but it's kind of awesome (also, Zooey Deschanel). And the Showtime show, Huff, which probably boasts one of the best, weirdest lines ever in, "You fucked my mother?!?!" Amazing.

• There are some incredibly, incredibly bad clothes in this episode. I think it's because the costume designers used up their budget on party clothes, but still. No excuse. Here's a sample of the bad.

Oh my God, the maroon. It hurts me. Chandler's sweater is frightening. Joey and Rachel are the only bright spots.


I feel physical pain looking at this.


I know better than to expect much from Janice, but yeesh. The big pink bow!

• I didn't realize getting a cab at the airport was so dangerous in the nineties. But, y'know, poor Rachel. I blame Paolo. Bastard.

• I'm with Monica on the Marcel thing. Gross, Ebola-ridden, flee-bitten thing.

• I'm legit creeped out by the chick Joey meets while dressed as an elf. That's just weird. I think there's a rule about not checking out dudes with pointed, jingly shoes.

• Ugly Naked Guy hangs candy canes...places.

• Chandler's midnight kiss.
  

Oh.My.God

" Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!" -Chandler, meeting Marcel the first time.

"I made a man with eyes of coal/ And a smile so bewitchin'/ How was I supposed to know/ That my mom was dead in the kitchen?" -Phoebe's song.

"That guy's going home with a note." -Chandler, while David is being scolded by Phoebe.

"...You are luminous with a kind of delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling." -David, explaining to Phoebe what he and Max were talking about.

"I mean, God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! Ooooh, did I just share too much?" -Rachel, learning that Phoebe and David hadn't even kissed by the 6th date.

"I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped!"
"Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history."
"I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!" -Chandler and Monica, as the dating pact unravels.

"Too many jokes! Must mock Joey!" -Chandler, seeing Joey in his elf costume.

"I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table." -Monica's response to Ross asking if Monica would treat Marcel badly if he was not a monkey, but Ross's girlfriend.

"And then your face exploded?" -Phoebe, seeing Rachel after she's attacked.

"I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocket book- starts yelling at me." -Rachel's explanation of the woman who attacked her.

"Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I mentally undressed an elf." -Sandy hitting on Joey. Ew.

"Kill me. Kill me now." -Chandler, responding to Janice asking Ross to take their picture.

"Hi, Max!"
"Yoko." -Phoebe and Max, after David decides not to go to Minsk.

TOW: the Butt

Monica: is all neurotic this episode, the focus being on her obsessive organizations of the house. Monica goes back to her apartment to see that Rachel cleaned. Being helpful, Rachel moved the green ottoman to sit in front of the tv as an extra seat around the coffee table. Monica can't stand the new arrangement and moves it back. Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler give her a hard time about being a neat freak. Monica says she doesn't have to be that way. At the end of the episode, she leaves her shoes in the living room when she goes to bed. She can't sleep, worrying about the shoes not being in their proper place.

Joey: is in a play! 'Freud! The Musical.' It's pretty horrible, but Joey gets a talent agent's card and is signed. He gets a job, fairly quickly, as Al Pacino's butt double. He's embarrassed, but mostly excited. He goes to shoot his scene, but takes it incredibly seriously, giving his butt motivation. He ends up getting fired, for 'acting too much.' The rest of the group comforts him, and he believes this might not have been his big break.

Chandler: At Joey's play, Chandler meets a beautiful woman, Aurora (Sofia Milos), who agrees to go out with him. Chandler has a great time on their first date, but learns that Aurora is married to Rick and has a boyfriend, Ethan. Chandler's okay with this at first, but as his feelings for Aurora grow, he stops being able to share well. Chandler ends it with her because of his jealousy. And because Aurora has another new man, Andrew.

• Chandler is absolutely adorable when he talks to Aurora the first time. There's lots of mumbling and awkwardness. I just want to,like, pinch his cheek or something, he's so cute.
  

• Ross, Monica, and Phoebe all look at a 'Magic Eye' book in Central Perk. Ross can't see the hidden images and gets frustrated when everyone else can. This moment was basically my childhood. I understand Ross's pain. Stupid, optical illusion, trickery.
  

• Aurora was in the Israeli army. I have a hard time picturing this woman in an army of any kind.
  

• One of Phoebe's outfits in this episode kills my brain.

I usually like her boho-chic fashions, but uh, just no. It's brown AND paisley. I cringe. This is elderly school teacher. Usually Phoebe's outfits are matched with really eclectic accessories (peace sign earrings, anyone?) making her the Claudia Kishi of the 'Friends' bunch, but not here.

• Best. moment. evarrrr!!!!!

Days and days on end will I have this stuck in my head. Days, I say. Even better, though, on the DVD everyone but Monica sings and dances the 'Freud' song at the end. Alas, no clip was to be found.

Oh. My. God.

"The exclamation point in the title scares me. Y'know it's not just 'Freud', it's 'Freud!'" -Phoebe, talking about Joey's new play.

"God. I feel violated." -Rachel, after Joey's play.

"Loved your work. Call me a sap." -Joey, reading Estelle's message and not understanding ASAP.

"When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is." -Joey, during the conversation about Aurora's many men.

"Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out." -Chandler, after Rachel cleaned the apartment and Monica starts freaking out.

"Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organized. But hey, I can be a kook."
"Alright, you madcap gal, try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away."
"Why not?"
"Because you're a kook!" -Monica and Ross, discussing Monica's orderliness.

"Oh no, it's terrific, it's-it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business." -Chandler, making fun of Joey being Al Pacino's butt double.

TOW: the East German Laundry Detergent

Rachel and Ross: Rachel's dad has called her, promising her a Mercedes convertible if she'll come home. Neither of her parents believe she can make it on her own. Rachel and Monica have plans to do laundry Saturday night and Ross is going to join to spend time with Rachel. Monica bails to go on a double-date with Joey. Chandler tells Ross that without Monica there he and Rachel are now on a date. Rachel thinks that by doing laundry correctly she'll prove she's able to live on her own. It doesn't go well, Rachel dyes all of her whites pink. There's also a mean laundry lady, who takes advantage of Rachel. Ross fights with the lady the first time, but by the end of the episode Rachel is able to stand up for herself.

Monica and Joey: Angela, a woman Joey dumped, walks into Central Perk and Joey is all interested in her again. He starts talking to her, but learns she is now dating Bob. In a desperate attempt to try and win Angela back, Joey schedules a double date with his 'girlfriend' Monica. Joey tells Monica it's a blind date and that Bob is Angela's brother. On the date, Joey tries to create tension between Angela and Bob, while Monica is totally creeped out by how Angela and Bob act with each other. When Monica finally realizes that Bob and Angela are not siblings, but a couple, she stays and helps Joey break them up.

Phoebe and Chandler: Chandler has to break up with his girlfriend, Janice(Maggie Wheeler), and Phoebe has to break up with Tony. Chandler is really nervous, so they decide to do the break-ups together in Central Perk. Phoebe breaks up with Tony in about five seconds, but Chandler is having trouble. He drinks, like, fifteen cups of espresso and is spazzing out. In a burst of caffeine induced hyperness he hits Janice in the eye. She goes to the bathroom to fix her contact. When she comes back, Phoebe talks to her and it takes about five seconds for the break-up to be completed.

• The beginning Central Perk conversation is about how women can unhook their bras and pull it out of their sleeve....is this really that impressive? I never realized.
  

• Rachel is wearing yet another denim tank top. the overabundance is about to kill me.
  

• Ugly naked guy lays kitchen tile.
  

• This is Ross's bedroom:

with the bad picture, the violin, and dinosaur. The only thing that seems to belong is the dinosaur. When the scene first started I thought Ross and Chandler where in a waiting room of some sort. Or,like, a Hampton Inn. Either way, it's unpleasant.

• Chandler makes fun of Ross's fabric softener because of Snuggles. Ross buys "Uberweiss" instead. I prefer the Snuggles.
  

• Who in their right mind would let Janice be a photographer? Janice.
  

• Janice is a few levels less irritating than Fran Dreshcer, but I. Love. Janice. Seriously and Deeply. If ever there was a character I love to hate (and hate to love) it's Janice.

• Mean laundromat lady:
  

Yikes.

• Bob is supposed to be hot

I really don't get it. What's with the hair?

• There's this moment, which, while not being one of the best moments ever, is still pretty awesome.

Awww, Ross.

Oh.My.God.
"No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's this horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note." -Chandler, talking about why he doesn't want to break up with Janice.

"That guy, he burns me up." -Ross's reaction upon learning that Rachel's dad offered her a Mercedes to move back home.

"Ok, ok, now what's wrong with my Snuggles? What? It says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy. Y'know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way." -Ross, showing how Snuggles reflects his personality.

"Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies." -Chandler, giving Phoebe an option of something they could do together, besides break up with their significant others.

"Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin."
"Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle." -Rachel and Ross.

"Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing." -Ross, not wanting to tell Rachel she dyed her clothes pink.

"Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep." -Rachel, examining her pink clothes.

"Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like...cocktails in Appalachia." -Monica, being icked out by Angela and Bob.

TOW: George Stephanopoulos

First off, this:

is George Stephanopoulos.

Anyway...

Ross, Joey, and Chandler: Joey and Chandler have tickets to a Rangers, Penguins hockey game and invite Ross along. While looking at the tickets, Ross realizes that it is October 20th, the date he and Carol first had sex. He mopes, reminiscing about that night and driving Chandler and Joey crazy. At the game, Ross is hit in the face with the puck and has to go to the ER. Chandler and Joey have ER fun, Ross continues to be sad, we learned that Carol was Ross's first and he's never been with another woman. Ross gets fixed, fights a kid for his puck, and hits the cranky ER receptionist in the face with said puck(accidentally). The guys go back to Monica and Rachel's where everyone plays Twister.

Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe: Rachel gets her first pay check, but is disappointed over how little she's paid. Rachel's rich-bitch friends from home come to Central Perk to see her. One of these women is pregnant, one is engaged, and one is getting promoted. Rachel feels like everyone is moving ahead, but she's starting her life over. She freaks out and freaks Monica and Phoebe out. They get drunk. Also, they're accidentally delivered political adviser George S.'s pizza. George lives right across the street, so they spy on him and his girlfriend. There are drunken shenanigans and balcony fun! By the time the guys get back from the game, the girls all feel better about their lives.

• Phoebe is staying the night with Monica and Rachel. Phoebe's grandma has a new boyfriend and they're deaf and insecure in bed, which keeps Phoebe awake at night Geriatric sex! Ahhhh!

• Finally! Other people in Central Perk pay attention to stuff! When Rachel's old friends come in and go, "EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!" customers actually look at them like they're idiots. Thank God.

• Who names their kid Kiki? Ew. She's incredibly stupid. At least the name fits.

• The pregnant one? On the left?
  

Her face is the same color as her hair. How?

• Ross irritates the crap out of me this episode. I don't generally hate Ross, buy oh my God. I just want him to shut-up. I rejoice in my soul when he gets hit with the puck because he can't talk. I could care less that October 20th is the first time he slept with Carol. When we find out it wasn't just his first time with Carol, it was his first time ever, I'm so fed up with him I can not find an ounce of sympathy in my body. Chandler and Joey feel the same.
  

• Chandler has a battle of wills with the mean ER receptionist. Growing up I was sure that all hospital receptionists were like this. When I go to the ER (admittedly not a frequent occurrence) I expect it to be similar to this episode.

• George lives across the street from Monica and Rachel and they're soooooo excited. Why is he never mentioned ever again?
  

• Rachel drops a pillow off the balcony and a dude brings it back. How'd he know what apartment it belonged to? Maybe Monica labeled it?

• I miss Twister.
  

Oh. My. God.
"Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?"
"Probably kill myself!"
"...Excuse me?"
"Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live."
"Joey, uh-omnipotent."
"You are? Ross I'm sorry!" -Monica, Joey, and Ross.

"You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover."
"The hell with hockey, let's all do that!" -Ross and Joey, after Ross realizes it's the anniversary of he and Carol's first time.

"Look, look, I have elbows!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" -Phoebe, mocking Rachel's friends.

"Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's!!! What? I thought we were trying to find stuff." -Joey, breaking in on Ross's memories of he and Carol's first night.

"Okay, but Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist." -Rachel, explaining that Phoebe's Jack and the Beanstalk comparison is not applicable.

"Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?"
"Big Bird's friend." - Rachel and Phoebe.

"Hey, that's not for you bitch!" -Phoebe, yelling at George's lady friend eating their pizza.

"Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?"
"Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you..." -Chandler and Ross, as Chandler tries to figure out why Ross is so upset.

"Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs." -Chandler, making fun of Ross's bandaged nose.

"I've got magic beans."- Rachel, telling the Visa card people she's okay.

TOW: the Thumb

Monica: Begins dating a man named Alan. She's worried about introducing him to the gang, but eventually she relents. Everyone loves Alan, but Monica isn't too excited about him. She decides to break up with Alan and everyone is devastated, acting like she is breaking up with them. When she breaks up with Alan he's relieved because he doesn't like Monica's friends.

Phoebe: This is the first episode where Phoebe gets her own storyline. It starts with Phoebe having $500 extra dollars in her bank account. She doesn't want to keep it, but when she notifies the bank they give her another $500 and a football phone. Phoebe gives the $1000 bucks and the football phone to a homeless woman, Lizzie (Beth Grant, aka the 'he asked me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus' lady from "Donnie Darko!"). In return, Lizzie buys Phoebe a soda, in which Phoebe finds a thumb. The soda company gives Phoebe $7,000.

Chandler: Helps Joey prepare for an audition. The character Joey is reading for is supposed to smoke, but Joey doesn't know how. Chandler tries to show Joey how it's done and ends up smoking again himself. Everyone attempts to help him quite (even Alan), but Chandler missed smoking too much. In the end, Phoebe says she'll give him the $7000 if he never smokes again.

Ross, Rachel, and Joey don't have storylines this episode. Joey hasn't had one yet in the series. Poor Joey.

• The episode starts with everyone discussing common phrases used during dating and what these phrases really mean. Rachel's all surprised about these 'codes,' which makes no sense because she was kind of a slut in high school.
  

• This is the first time we see Joey and Chandler's apartment. They have house plants. Cause all bachelors have those.
  

• Rachel is a really, really bad waitress and gives everyone the wrong drinks. But...if I were Rachel, I'd have assumed that those drinks belonged with those people. Maybe it's just me...

• Chandler tries to hide his smoking. This happens in Central Perk:

Does it strike anyone else as strange that nobody in Central Perk cares that a guy is hanging off a couch? I mean, you'd think someone would be making a 'what the eff???' face.

• Monica dresses like every teacher I had in grade school. This bothers me.

• Rachel wears, like, three different sleeveless denim shirts this episode. Rachel is too fashion conscious to wear the same type of shirt that many times in a row.

• Rachel, Ross, Chandler, and Joey play softball with Alan. Rachel doesn't play sports. They never play softball like this again. It's never even mentioned. And what kind of league are they in?
  

• I want Phoebe's luck! I wish my bank gave me $1000 and a football phone. How could anybody be upset by free money?? I'd even take the thumb-soda money! Though, I'd much prefer to do it without all the bother of the severed thumb. (How does a thumb get into a soda? I didn't realize cola companies used a lot of cutting devices in their production process.)
  

• Speaking of the thumb-soda, Phoebe's response when she opens the can is "Heh." Awesome.
  

• Chandler lists everyone's faults and they all start fighting. The only faults that remain during the series are Rachel's bad waitressing and Ross's over-pronouncing words.
  

• The gang loves Alan and Alan hangs out with them all.the.time. It turns out Alan doesn't like them. So, why go through all the bother? They play softball, he tells Chandler to stop smoking, they rent boats...pointless.

• Another best. moment. ever:
  

Oh. My. God

"That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm." -Ross, still believing his parents did not put his dog to sleep.

"I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell. Alone." -Chandler, making fun of Joey's smoking skills.

"Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand."
-Chandler, teaching Joey to smoke.

"Oh, Satan's minions at work again!" -Chandler's response to Phoebe's bank account having $500 extra in it.

"Yeah, but if you spend it, it'd be like shopping!" -Rachel's thoughts on what Phoebe should do with the extra money.

"There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a....while..." -Phoebe's nursery rhyme.

"I personally could have a gallon of Alan." -Chandler.

"Hey, y'know, I've had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it." -Chandler, telling Joey and Ross why he'll continue to smoke.

"God, he's good"
"If only he were a woman."
"Yeeeaaaahhh."-Rachel and Ross discussing Alan.

"Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?" -Chandler, trying to quite smoking.

"Yeah, he could row like a Viking." -Ross reminiscing over Alan's boating skillz.

TOW: The Sonogram at the End

Ross: This is largely a Ross centric episode. At the beginning he finds out the his ex-wife, Carol (played by Anita Baron) is pregnant. The baby is Ross's and Carol wants to raise the baby with Ross and her life-partner, Susan ( Jessica Hecht). Ross and Monica have dinner with their parents (Christina Pickles and Elliot Gould), where Ross tells them that Carol is a lesbian and that she is having his baby. The episode ends with Ross, Susan, and Carol at the OBGYN arguing. Their fight cools as they hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh yeah, we learn that Ross is a paleontologist and works at a museum.

Rachel: Is still dealing with having left Barry (Mitchell Whitfield) at the altar. She has to return her engagement ring, which she accidentally loses inside the lasagna Monica baked for her parents. She visits Barry at his office (he's an Orthodontist), gives back the ring, and learns that Barry is now seeing Mindy, the woman who was Rachel's maid-of-honor.

Monica: Is freaking out over her parents impending visit. Ross is the favorite child and Monica's role is to act as the scapegoat. Monica cleans frantically and spends a lot of time making lasagna, which is ruined when Rachel loses her ring in it. During dinner,Mrs. Gellar passive-aggressively criticizes Monica while praising Ross. Monica forces Ross to tell their parents that Carol left Ross to be with another woman and is now carrying Ross's child. Monica cries (with happiness) when seeing the sonogram.

Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe: Neither of these characters have their own storyline, but act more as secondary characters utilized for laughs. We do learn that Chandler is an only child and Phoebe is a twin.

• I have mixed feelings about the very beginning of this episode. The group is discussing how men and women have different feelings regarding what's important during sex. It's a witty conversation with kissing and foreplay compared to a stand-up comedian, while sex is the main event. The conversation is amusing, but is also incredibly battle-of-the-sexes, men-and-women-are-different, cliche.
  

• Ross's reaction when he learns that Carol is having his baby:
  

Brilliant.

• Monica gets more characterization in this episode. This is the first instance viewers see her all neurotic about cleaning. I heart neat-freak Monica. The favorite sibling tension between her and Ross is good, too; plus, you can never go wrong with Christina Pickles and Elliot Gould. They're, like, the perfect kind of crazy parents. Judy Gellar is just so--so mean, picking on Monica's cooking, her job, her cleaning skills, her boyfriendless-ness....On the other hand this seems like every other sit-com parent in the history of ever. At least it's well done here.
  

• Joey is much, much better. Instead of having a Beatle's bowl, his hair's slicked back and coated in gel. Like all good 90's hair should be. Matt LeBlanc has a better grasp on the character, but there really isn't much for him to do this episode. He's just sweeter and less douche-y; more harmless, and dopey like the Joey fans expect.
  

• UGLY NAKED GUY!!!! Is it wrong that I want to have an unattractive, nudist neighbor to spy on? Cause I do. Lots. They make it look like such fun!

• I never realized before, but Rachel pretty much works at Central Perk to give the characters more reason to hang out there; especially after it's closed. Not a bad thing, but probably unrealistic (in an awesome way).

• I love, love, love, love, love Susan. Her deadpan line deliveries make my life.
  

• Carol is played by Anita Baron in this episode; she is quickly replaced by Jane Sibbett, which I am really very grateful for. It's probably because I'm so used to Sibbett as Carol, but Baron is... She's too doll-faced and sweet. There's also this:

Which is how she reacts to Ross accidentally throwing a plastic baby from a womb diagram. Over act much?

• I can see why Rachel was more attracted to a gravy boat than to Barry.
  
• 

He does look just like Mr. Potato Head! I wonder if the actor comes with detachable features and expressions?

Oh. My. God

"Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding." -Chandler.

"I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with..."
"Dinah?" -Rachel and Chandler, looking for the lost engagement ring.

"Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?" -Chandler, after they l earn that Carol is pregnant.

"Well, at lest she had a chance to leave a man at the altar..." -Mrs. Geller, criticizing Monica.

"Still, you--you say Minnie, you hear Mouse." -Ross, discussing baby names with Susan and Carol.

"Helen Geller?" -Ross, still discussing baby names.

"It's my baby too."
"Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm."
"Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is." -Susan and Ross.

"I dunno, but...I think it's about to attack the Enterprise." -Chandler, watching the sonogram video.

"I just hope they have his old hair line and your old nose!" -Rachel, talking to Mindy about the hypothetical kids she and Barry may some day have.