TOW: Ross's Wedding

Before leaving NYC

Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Ross have four hours before they need to be at the airport. That doesn't stop Monica from becoming a complete basket case about when they need to leave, though. She runs over to Chandler and Joey's to hurry them along. Monica goes back to her apartment, and starts packing things in her purse. Every time she puts an item in she says, 'check!'. Phoebe and Rachel make fun of her, but Monica didn't realize it was weird, because Mrs. Geller always used to do it. Ross comes in, doing the 'check!' thing, too. Chandler and Joey start to leave their apartment, but Joey's left his passport in his room. Monica tells Phoebe where she keeps all her cleaning stuff; Rachel doesn't know where the stuff is because she never cleans. The four going to London prepare to leave, but Phoebe wants hugs. She can't get up off the couch, so she has them come to her; she also asks them to bring her stuff she's left in the kitchen or over at Chandler and Joey's. Ross hugs Rachel good-bye, asking her again to come to his wedding. She says she can't because she has to work. Ross is totally disappointed, and tells her she can just watch the video. Monica breaks into all the hoopla to let them know they're really going to be late if they don't get a move on. After they leave, Rachel is sad. Phoebe offers her a hug, with no 'bring me ______" favors attached.

Arriving in London

Chandler and Joey: They leave their hotel, ready to do some sight-seeing, but Joey will not leave Chandler alone with the video camera. They're going to visit Westminster Abbey; to find the way, Joey pulls up a pop-up map of London. Chandler's horrified by this turn of events, but it gets worse as Joey puts the map on the sidewalk, proceeding to step on it to get his directional bearings. One can only assume that Joey finds the way; as he walks along he holds his pop-up map directly in front of him. Chandler's super embarrassed, and makes fun of Joey. Joey loses the way, and has to 'go into' his map again. There's a montage of Chandler and Joey doing touristy-y, London, stuff. Through out, Chandler is embarrassed by Joey's obviously a tourist actions. They finally get to Westminster, but Chandler is grouchy. He won't be on camera when Joey tries to film him and his thoughts on the Abbey. Their sight-seeing in London continues, and really only gets worse. At a street vendor cart, Joey picks up a Dr. Seuss hat with the Union Jack on it. Chandler's had enough, and tells Joey he can't buy the hat. Joey wants the hat, though, and he thinks he looks awesome. He goes ahead and buys it, even though Chandler says he won't hang around with Joey for the rest of the day if he's wearing the hat. If that wasn't bad enough, Chandler trips over some merchandise at another vendor cart, and falls into a display of flowers. After Chandler leaves, Joey introduces himself to some random British dude. Chandler's in the hotel room, trying to kick his shoes into a trash can, when Joey comes back (still wearing the hat). Chandler apologizes for being a jerk, saying he had a horrible day. Joey accepts the apology, but had a great day. He plays his video for Chandler, and we see Joey chatting up Duchess Sarah Ferguson. Fergie says she likes Joey's hat, and Joey hits on her, only to get shot down. Chandler wants to know how Joey met Fergie, but we never learn because Monica and Ross get into an argument.

Ross and Monica: are walking down a residential street in London. They are on their way to the building where they're having the wedding. While they walk, Emily details everything that's gone wrong with the wedding plans. The florist doesn't have tulips, and the caterer had to change the kind of chicken that was on the menu. Ross is trying to make her feel better, but Monica starts talking about how Emily'd be better off going with salmon. Ross keeps giving her dirty looks and kicking her, so she doesn't upset Emily more than she already is. Emily explains again why having the wedding in this particular building is important to her (it's pretty and her parents were married there). She points out the building to Monica, only to see that it's partially torn down. Emily and Ross run into the main room of the building; it's a mess with the roof gone, and piles of brick everywhere. Emily's horrified, especially when Monica comes back with the news that the crew decided to tear it down early (uhh, obviously). Emily and Monica go to a dress shop, so Monica can be fitted for her bridesmaid dress. Emily's flipping out about the building being torn down. Monica tries to reassure her that a new venue will be found, but Emily's in full panic mode. She's certain they won't be able to find another place to hold the wedding; it's on too short of notice, and all the good places will be gone, anyway. Monica points out that postponing the wedding isn't such a bad thing. If they move it back a little, Emily will be able to have the flowers and food she wants, instead of settling. This makes Emily feel much better. Emily goes to Ross's hotel room, where he informs her that Mr. Waltham thinks they'll be able to find a new place for the wedding. Emily tells Ross it's okay if they don't have a place, she's willing to postpone the wedding. Ross freaks, not wanting to put it off. He's upset because of all the money spent on wedding plans, and that his friends and family traveled all the way to London. Emily thinks they'll all come back, glad to allow Ross and Emily the chance to do the wedding their way. During the fight, Ross keeps putting on his pants backwards. Emily gets frustrated with Ross's attitude, and informs him that if he doesn't understand the importance of the wedding, then maybe they shouldn't be getting married. She stalks off, and Ross tries to follow, but closes his thing in his zipper and is immobilized by pain. Ross finds Monica in Chandler and Joey's room. Monica thinks Ross is going to thank her for calming Emily down, but Ross has to come to yell at her. He wants Monica to fix the thing between him and Emily. Monica explains that Emily was upset because she'd been envisioning her perfect wedding day since she was a little girl. What hurt Emily even more was the fact that, in her wedding fantasy, the man she was marrying understood why having the perfect wedding was important. Ross asks Monica to help him make it up to Emily. Monica takes Emily to the half torn down building, but Emily's not particularly happy about it. When they walk in the main room, Ross plugs in the strings of lights hung around the room. He and Monica describe how they can still make the wedding perfect, even if there's no ceiling. Ross and Emily kiss, and Monica's sad because she doesn't have a date.

Phoebe and Rachel: Rachel comes home to find Phoebe squirming all around on the couch. She's been doing as much as possible for Phoebe, insuring that Phoebe doesn't have to get off the couch that often. Rachel rushes over to help, but Phoebe only has a wedgie. Phoebe wants to talk about lunch plans, but is distracted because Rachel seems upset. Rachel explains that she's upset over how she left things with Ross; he seemed really hurt when she wouldn't come to the wedding. Rachel also feels bad for lying about having to work. Phoebe commiserates with Rachel, saying she'd be upset, too, if a person she was still in love with was getting married. Rachel starts arguing about still being in love with Ross. She says she still has feelings, loving feelings, for him, but she isn't in love with him. This goes on for awhile, until she slips, saying she's still in love with Ross. Once she says it, Rachel knows it's true, and is horrified. She's upset with Phoebe for not mentioning that Rachel was still in love with him before, but Phoebe thought (actually, everyone but Ross) thought Rachel knew. Rachel goes on a big shopping trip to get her mind off Ross, but it doesn't work. Phoebe thinks she knows the perfect way to get Rachel over Ross, and has Rachel bring a picture of Ross over to the couch. Phoebe wants Rachel to think of all the bad things about Ross. Phoebe starts describing a scenario, but it doesn't work. Phoebe decides she needs to take more a drastic measure in the form of aversion therapy. Phoebe makes Rachel look at the picture of Ross, then smacks Rachel in the head. This doesn't work either. Phoebe finally thinks of a real flaw of Ross'; he pops his gum. Rachel can't accept it as a flaw, because she does it, too. Rachel asks Phoebe if she knows where the duck food is. When Phoebe answers in the affirmative, then asks 'why?', Rachel informs her that she's going to London. Her plan is to tell Ross how she feels, so he has all the information before he marries Emily. Phoebe tries to convince Rachel not to go, but Rachel's mind is made up. Phoebe points out that Ross loves Emily, and that Rachel's going because she hopes Ross will say he loves her, too. Phoebe explains that Ross loves Emily, and that Rachel really, really can't go; she'll ruin the wedding. Rachel leaves, and Phoebe's too pregnant to run after her. Phoebe gets in a fight with the Waltham's housekeeper (June Whitfield). She calls for Emily, to tell Emily and Ross that Rachel's coming, but the housekeeper scolds her on her phone etiquette, and hangs up. Phoebe calls back, speaking with a British accent. The housekeeper tells her Emily's not at home, and that she's not at liberty to give out a number where Emily can be reached. Phoebe threatens the housekeeper, who hangs up.

Rehearsal Dinner and Wedding

Joey: gets really homesick after talking to Phoebe, who has just ordered 'the Joey special' (two pizzas). When they hang up the phone, Joey watches the intro to Cheers, making himself super homesick. He doesn't understand the food they have at the rehearsal dinner. He asks Chandler if they can go home, but obviously the can't. Joey gives a toast during the dinner, but won't stop talking about home. He feels better when the cute bridesmaid he's sitting by, Felicity (Olivia Williams), hits on him. Joey comes home the next morning, while Chandler's in the shower. The phone rings, and it's Phoebe. She tells him that Rachel's coming to ruin the wedding. When Chandler's out of the shower, he and Joey have a strange conversation about where Monica is; Joey wants to know because he wants to tell her about Rachel. At the wedding hall, Joey tells Monica the plan to watch out for Rachel. He starts putting his part into action, but he's distracted by Felicity. They start making out, and Joey misses Rachel's entrance. At the wedding, Joey holds up Mrs. Waltham's cell phone, so Phoebe can listen.

Phoebe: spends most of this time trying to talk to Chandler, Joey, or Monica, about Rachel coming to London. She can't get anyone on the phone, at first because of the housekeeper, but then because Mrs. Waltham (Jennifer Saunders) hangs up on her. She finally talks to Joey, explaining about Rachel. She listens to the ceremony on Mrs. Waltham's cell phone.

Monica and Chandler: Monica's been pretty weepy about Ross getting married for most of the episode. It gets worse when they up with Mrs. Geller at the rehearsal dinner. Mrs. Geller won't stop making snide comments about Monica not being married yet, or having a boyfriend. Chandler's night isn't going too well, either. His toast to Ross and Emily bombed, and he's embarrassed. They end up comforting one another about their failures of the night, but it just gets worse for Monica. A drunk man comes up to her and compliments her on what a nice guy Ross is--he thinks Monica is Ross's mom. Monica's humiliated, deciding no man will ever want her. Chandler tries to comfort her, but Monica's too busy pitying herself. The next morning, Ross bounces into Chandler's hotel room to announce he's getting married. Chandler's still in bed. When Ross leaves, Monica sits up beside him. They proceed to have some awkward, morning after conversation. Joey asks Chandler if he's seen Monica, and Chandler freaks out over the question. The same thing happens when Joey asks Monica where Chandler is at the wedding. Chandler misses Rachel because he's helping Ross practice saying "I do." Monica and Chandler walk down the aisle together. They discuss how wrong spending the night together was, then make plans for later.

Rachel: gets to the ticket counter at the airport. She learns there's one seat left on the next flight to London, but it's $2700 for the ticket. She doesn't think she has the much money on her credit card, but the ticket agent (Jane Carr) says Rachel can split the cost between cards; Rachel gives her five to use. The agent then asks for Rachel's passport, but Rachel's left it at the apartment. Rachel attempts to bribe the ticket agent, but to no avail. She runs home, and Phoebe tells her how proud she is that Rachel decided not to go through with it. Rachel's not heard anything of what Phoebe said, running right back out once she finds her passport. Back at the airport, Rachel has another run in with the ticket agent. The flight Rachel wanted to take already left the airport, so Rachel wants the ticket agent to call it back. The agent can't do that, and closes her ticket counter when Rachel won't leave her alone. Rachel finally gets on a flight, but is really fidgety. The guy (Hugh Laurie) she's sitting by asks her to stop, and she tries to tell him about Ross. He doesn't care. She ends up telling the whole story to the guy across the aisle. Hugh Laurie breaks in out of frustration. He agrees with Phoebe, Rachel shouldn't be going to London. Rachel explains that Emily is just a rebound. Hugh tells Rachel that it sounds like she and Ross were on a break. Rachel gets to the church, not stopped by anyone. She goes to the main room of the building, witnessing a kiss between Ross and Emily. When Emily leaves, Ross turns to Rachel; he's incredibly happy she decided to come to the wedding. They hug, and Rachel tries to tell him how she feels, but can't. She congratulates him, and Ross goes off to do his groom thing.

Ross: gets pulled into an argument between the Waltham's and the Geller's. His parents agreed to split the wedding with the Waltham's. Mr. Waltham (Tom Conti) gives Mr. Geller an itemized bill for half the expenses. When Mr. Gellar goes through the bill, he realizes he's being charged for renovations the Waltham's did on their house. Mr. Gellar refuses to pay, and wants to fight with Mr. Waltham, but Ross intervenes. Ross goes between both men, negotiating what Mr. Geller will pay for. Ross does this because he doesn't want Emily to be upset before the wedding. He gets the parent's down to one item they're still disagreeing over, and everyone decides to let it go until after the wedding. On the big day, Mr. Geller and Mr. Waltham fight over the bill. Emily shows turns up while they're fighting, and gets dragged into the mess. Ross comes upon the argument, and forces the family's to stop fighting by refusing them grandchildren. Emily's concerned that Ross has seen her in her dress before the wedding, but he assures her that nothing will go wrong. They kiss. When Emily leaves, Ross notices that Rachel's there. He's really happy she came. The ceremony starts out well, except for the fact that Joey's holding up a cell phone so Phoebe can hear. Emily says her vows, and Ross starts his. The only problem? He says Rachel instead of Emily.

• This is one of the greatest episodes OF ALL TIME. It's funny, it's poignant, but most of all --it's surprising.

• When traveling, I'm much like Monica. This was an upsetting realization.

• I don't get why Ross is so mad at Rachel for not coming. I mean, I understand he's disappointed, but you'd think that it'd occur to him that Rachel might be upset about him getting married.

• Joey standing on his map has always reminded me of Blue's Clues. Because Blue and Steve could go into paintings and stuff.

• This wedding is obviously ill-fated. Caterer fail? Check. Florist fail? Check. Building torn down a few days early? Check.

• Honestly, who starts tearing down a building a few days early when a wedding is scheduled there?

Also, three random people would not be allowed to run into a building that could collapse with little provocation.

• I'm a little embarrassed by Joey's hat. Not the Union Jack, so much as the Dr. Seussical proportions.

A lot of people thought this look was awesome. Somehow, I think it has a lot to do with that MTV VJ, Jessie....

• I've always thought what Monica and Ross do at the building was really sweet.

It's amazing how much night and Christmas lights improve the looks of a room.

• It's pretty awesome that Phoebe would bodily prevent Rachel from going to London if she wasn't pregnant. You know she totally would, too. Remember "you guys are like my bitches."

• The housekeeper is amazing.

• Jennifer Saunders makes me happy. She's so daffy.

• I don't like the whole, Joey being homesick thing. It's not like he's staying in London for an extended visit. It's, like, a week. Anyway, it's unnecessary.

• This is one of the best moments in, like, all of TV history, let alone this episode.

I remember watching this the night it aired, but I can't remember how surprising it was that Chandler and Monica ended up in bed together. I think it's epic.

• I love Hugh Laurie.
  

I don't watch House, because I decide that I have what ever disease they talk about that episode, but Hugh Laurie is, like, the best misanthrope ever.

• Y'know, Ross, practicing your 'I do' with Chandler didn't really help. Maybe practice saying 'Emily' next time.

• Those are some big boobs Emily has.

This gown looks so different on Emily. I honestly thought it was a different one from the one Monica wears. I'm glad she ditched that hideous veil.

• When Rachel doesn't tell Ross she loves him, I mist up a little.

It's so well done. You can totally tell that she's aching to say the words, but at the last moment she realizes she can't ruin Ross's wedding day. It reminds me of Roman Holiday.

• Tough questions, guys. If you were Rachel, would you tell? If you were Ross, would you want to know? Phoebe's right about Rachel telling because she wants Ross to return her feelings. It's very selfish to want to tell...that's not saying I don't understand the motivation. Sometimes I think I'd want to know, if I were in Ross's place. Other times I think it'd complicate things unnecessarily.
  

• The wedding music has always bothered me. It sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings. Which is good in LOTR, but not so much in Friends.

• Speaking of TV history...

Oh. My. God.

"Six hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica." -Chandler, while Monica freaks out about being late.

"Yeah, my mom used to put her head in the oven. Well, actually, she only did it the one time. But it was pretty weird." -Phoebe, to Monica, about the weird 'check!' thing.

"LONDON, BABY!!!" -Joey, being excited.

"Okay, if you see a little version of me in there, KILL IT!" -Chandler, to Joey, when he 'goes into the map'.

"Well, up yours, too!" -Emily, to Ross, because of 'time-out' hand gesture confusion.

"How's it going to be alright?"

"Uh-huh, I see that." -Emily and Ross, when the building's partially torn down.

"Hands down, the best Abbey I've ever seen." -Joey's thoughts on Westminster Abbey.

"Man, you are Westminster Crabby!" -Joey, to Chandler.

"Well, because we thought you knew! It's so obvious! God, that would be like telling Monica, 'hey, you like things clean'." -Phoebe, to Rachel, on why the gang never mentioned Rachel still loved Ross.

"Well, I don't have to buy that, 'I'm with stupid.' t-shirt anymore." -Chandler, to Joey, about his hat.

"Don't you point your pants at me!" -Emily, to Ross, while they're fighting over postponing the wedding, and Ross can't put his pants on right.

"Manhattan does not have enough stores." -Rachel, to Phoebe, about how well shopping helped her not think about Ross.

"Well, I like you less." -Rachel, to Phoebe, after the aversion therapy.

"You're even dumber than I am." -Monica, to Ross, about Emily postponing the wedding.

"And that--that pillowcase thing, I thought you guys were just doing the Flying Nun."

"Sometimes we were." -Ross and Monica, about why young girls wore pillowcases on their heads.

"No! Because he's in love with the British chippy!" -Phoebe, to Rachel, about why she shouldn't go to London.

"It's not over until someone says, 'I do'."

"I do! I do!" -Rachel and Phoebe, about telling Ross.

"Ugh, like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a litter." -Phoebe, after Rachel leaves.

"She's very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her." -Mr. Waltham, when his wife ignores the Gellers.

"You're different here, too. You're mean in England!" -Joey, to Chandler, when Chandler tries to comfort homesick Joey.

"Why am I always pregnant when she does that!?" -Phoebe, after Rachel comes back for her passport, and leaves again.

"Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast, or Melba toast, if you will." -Chandler's toast.

"I was laughing."

"Out loud?"

"Well, I didn't want everyone to think I was stupid." -Monica and Chandler, about his toast.

"You thieving, would be speaking German if it weren't for us, cheap little man!" -Mr. Geller, to Mr. Waltham, during the fight over the bill.

"He came up to me earlier, and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic." -Chandler, trying to comfort Monica after the drunk guy thinks she's Ross's mom.

"Do you think he knew I was here?" -Monica, to Chandler, after Ross comes in.

"Well, I've--I've never done that with you before." -Chandler, to Monica, after Ross leaves.

"No!! Okay!! What's with the third degree?! Why don't you just shine a light in my eyes?!" -Chandler, to Joey, who keeps asking where Monica is.

"You know, I just want to say--that you are a horrible, horrible person." -Passenger, to Rachel, about her plans to tell Ross how she feels.

"And by the way, it seems perfectly clear that you were on a break." -Passenger, to Rachel.

"Take thee, Rachel..." -Ross, repeating his wedding vows.

"Uhh, shall I go on?" -the Minister, after Ross says the wrong name.

TO: After the Superbowl

My God, this was a long episode.

Ross: starts to miss Marcel after seeing a 'Monkey Shine Beer' commercial that stars a monkey that looks just like Marcel. He goes to a conference in L.A. and plans on visiting Marcel at the Zoo. When he gets to the Zoo, he can't find Marcel and is told by an administrator (Fred Willard) that Marcel died. Ross mopes around the Zoo until a janitor (Dan Castellaneta) informs him that Marcel was stolen. Back in the city, Ross does some investigating and finds Marcel. Marcel's in the city as part of the cast of 'Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan.' Ross and the gang go the set to see Marcel. At first, Marcel ignores Ross, but then Ross starts singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight and Marcel comes over. Marcel is kind of a diva and it makes Ross sad. Marcel's trainer tells Ross he can keep Marcel for a little bit one night. Ross makes a lot of plans, setting up music, candles, and making Marcel's favorite meal. The trainer calls and says Marcel can't make it. Ross is sad. On Marcel's last day of shooting, Ross is told he can go visit, but Ross doesn't want to; he thinks Marcel's moved on. Marcel is at Central Perk and he and Ross spend the day visiting around the city. Ross and the gang gather at the set and say goodbye to Marcel. He also helps Joey explain to Erika that he isn't Drake and finds Chandler in the bathroom in panties.

Phoebe: notices a really cute guy (Chris Isaak) in Central Perk. He comes up to her, his name is Rob,and says he schedules musicians to play at the library for the kids. He wants Phoebe to play. Phoebe has her first performance and is really nervous. Rob encourages her and kisses her. Phoebe plays and all her songs are inappropriate for children. Rob says that he liked her songs and that she told the kids the truth, but he really wants her to sing songs about things like barnyard animals. The next performance, Phoebe does sing about farm animals--getting slaughtered. Rob comes to Central Perk and informs Phoebe she's fired because the library was getting complaints from parents. Phoebe thinks he should have argued for her to continue on at the library, singing what she wants, but Rob wants her to sing regular songs. Phoebe gets ready for a performance at Central Perk and a whole bunch of kids from the library show up to watch. Phoebe continuously breaks up Monica and Rachel's fights.

Joey: gets his very own stalker! Her name is Erika and he gets a letter from her with no postage and sent to his personal address. At first he's excited, but then he gets a little scared. Erika comes to the apartment one day when Chandler and Joey are hanging out. They try to run away, but can't escape. Erika knocks and Joey answers. Erika (Brooke Shields) is really hot. Joey doesn't go to Phoebe's first performance because he's having lunch with Erika. Erika seriously believes that Joey is Dr. Drake Ramore; she doesn't understand that Days of Our Lives is a television show. At lunch, a man chokes and Erika expects Joey to save him, which he doesn't. Erika asks for an explanation, but doesn't allow Joey to give it. He stops trying to explain he's not really a doctor when Erika kisses him and licks his hand. Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, and Monica are watching the show when Erika comes to the apartment. She's made at Drake for making out with Sabrina on the show. She throws a glass of water on him. Joey tries to explain he's not really Drake, but an actor, but Erika doesn't understand. Rachel turns on the television, trying to show Erika what Joey means by being an actor, but she STILL doesn't understand. Ross tells Erika that Joey is actually Drake's evil twin brother Hans. Rachel and Monica play along, pretending that Joey duped them into thinking he was Drake. They throw water at him. Chandler throws water at him for leaving the toilet seat up. Joey tells Erika to go to Salem and find the real Drake. Joey comforts Ross when Marcel can't visit. On the movie set, Joey keeps trying to impress the director to get a role. He goes to dinner with the Director's Assistant (and Chandler, Susie, and Ross), but she tells him she can't get him a part. An actor, playing a disease victim, gets sick (irony?) and the Director's Assistant recommends Joey and he gets the part. He's the first to find Chandler in the restaurant bathroom wearing only panties.

Chandler: meets a make-up artist, Susie, (Julia Roberts) on the movie set who he went to grade school with. When they were in fourth grade, Chandler pulled Susie's skirt up at a school play and everyone saw her underwear; the nicknamed her 'Susie underpants.' Susie seems to be attracted to Chandler and suggests he should ask her out, which he does. They start dating and Chandler thinks she's the perfect woman. They go to dinner with Joey, the Director's Assistant, and Ross. Before they go, Susie suggests that Chandler put on her underwear. He agrees when Susie says she'll be going commando. At dinner, Susie tells Chandler they should have sex in the bathroom. Chandler meets her in a stall and she tells him to show her the panties. Chandler undresses and Susie sneaks out of the stall. She steals Chandler's clothes and leaves him wearing only panties as payback for the skirt lifting incident. Joey comes in to use the bathroom and Chandler tells him what happened. Joey peaks over the stall wall to see Chandler in the panties. Ross comes in and Joey and Chandler tell him what happened. Ross peaks over the other side of the stall to see Chandler in the panties. Chandler wants one of them to give him their underwear, but they won't. An old guy comes in and sees them all standing there. Chandler walks through the restaurant using a stall door as a shield. He also attends Phoebe's first library performance.

Monica and Rachel: see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the movie set. Monica has a huge crush on him, but Rachel's never heard of him. Rachel thinks Monica should tell Jean-Claude she thinks he's hot, but Monica won't. Rachel talks to Jean-Claude and he's not interested in Monica, but Rachel. Rachel tells Monica that Jean-Claude wouldn't stop hitting on her and Monica tells Rachel to date him if she wants to. Rachel goes on a date with Jean-Claude. They go to a club and hang out with Drew Barrymore. Monica is furious. She and Rachel get into a huge fight, which turns physical. Phoebe has to break it up. Rachel agrees to stop seeing Jean-Claude and to set Monica up with him. Monica goes on her date with Jean-Claude and learns he only agreed to date her because Rachel told him Monica wanted to have a threesome with Drew Barrymore. Monica and Rachel fight some more, this time destroying each others stuff. Monica pulls apart Rachel's favorite sweater and Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse. Phoebe breaks their fight up again and forces them to make up. They go to the movie set to say goodbye to Jean-Claude. They both kiss him and he suggests a threesome. They decline. In the first part of this episode, they go with Phoebe to her performance. Monica steals cookies.

• I completely forgot this one was a two-parter. I kept thinking it was taking longer than normal.
  

• We have a resurgence of some of my favorite fashions! The moose sweater and the leopard print mock turtleneck! How I've missed thee...

• Here's a new one though,

It's like--dress vomit.

• All the guest stars! Julia Roberts makes me sooo happy. I love Julia Roberts. But there's also Fred Willard, Dan Castellaneta (that's really hard to spell), Chris Isaak, Brooke, 'nothing comes between me and my Clavin's' Shields, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. I'm not so in to the Van Damme. Eh.
  

• I don't think I can adequately describe my love for Erika, as played by Brooke Shields. The whole thing is amazing. She has the best creepy stalker laugh I've ever heard in my life. Ever. Plus, she makes this face:

And is the cause of this:



There are a few times where Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox almost lose it. Awesome. Erika is incredibly well dressed for a mentally ill person.

• A selection of Phoebe Buffay song lyrics:
  

"Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike, But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner, Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too."

"There'll be times when you get older, when you'll want to sleep with people, just to make them like you..., but don't, Cause that's another thing you don't wanna do, everybody, that's another thing that you don't wanna do."

And my personal favorite: "Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers."

• Words fail me...except to say that I want the noise Joey makes as a ringtone.
  

• I love the Susie/Chandler thing. Granted, it's a little sad she waits all these years for revenge on Chandler--but the pink thong sorta makes up for all that.
  

Where'd Chandler get the screwdriver to take the door off its hinges to leave the restaurant?

• Jean-Claude Van Damme causes this to happen:

• Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse.

I have some issues with food. That purse filled with sauce is so disgusting.

• I'm not as sad to see Marcel go this time. This is a great episode, but I'm not a Marcel fan (in case you hadn't guessed from my Ebola tirades). The fact that he's appearing in Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan doesn't change my feelings about him. I saw Outbreak and I blame that movie for ruining my life by introducing me to the existence of hemorrhagic fevers. I had nightmares for weeks.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding." -Rachel, assuring Ross that giving up Marcel was the right thing to do.

"Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got."
"Rhythm?" -Joey and Chandler, when Joey gets his first fan letter.

"You know, I think he will be surprised, 'til he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, y'know, isn't capable of that emotion." -Chandler, responding to Ross wanting to surprise Marcel.

"Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon." -Chandler, to Joey as they arm themselves to face Erika.

"Ok, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met."
"That's how radio stars escape stalkers." -Joey and Chandler, running from Erika.

"What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one that wants to boff the maniac." -Chandler, after defending Joey's choice to date Erika to Monica and Rachel.

"Oh, Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them...but I won't." -Erika, at her lunch with Joey.

"Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?" -Ross, thinking the janitor is propositioning him.

"Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. " -Joey, explaining to Erika why he didn't help the choking man.

"That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdale's." -Chandler, learning that Ross is the Monkey Shine monkey.

"What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like purple dinosaur?"
"I'm not saying you have to be Barney."
"Who's Barney?" -Phoebe and Rob.

"This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year." -Ross, about to see Marcel again.

"It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan." -Susie, trying to do a star's make-up.

"Yes, back then, I uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank god I don't do that anymore." -Chandler, telling Susie how he's changed.

"Ok, then, eat me, I'm done." -Chandler, talking to Phoebe.

"My skirt! You lifted! Kids laughing! I was Susie Underpants 'til I was 18!" -Susie, after stealing Chandler's clothes.

"You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara." -Rachel, threatening Monica's purse.

"Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. "-Joey, finding Chandler in the bathroom.

"Hi, Tushie!" -Ross, peaking at Chandler's thong.

"Are you sure? I can crush a walnut with my butt." -Jean-Claude, propositioning Monica and Rachel for a threesome.



Phew! I need a nap.

TOW: Two Parts, Part 1

Chandler: has to fire someone because the WENUS is out of whack. That someone is Nina (Jennifer Grant) the Bookbinder, whom Chandler has a crush on. Due to the crush, Chandler doesn't fire her, but asks her on a date. He never mentions that she's been fired. Things work out fine until Chandler's boss walks in on him and Nina in Chandler's office. The boss asks Chandler why Nina is still there and Chandler tells him that Nina has a psychiatric problem and does not remember being fired in the first place. Chandler says he wants to wait to fire her again until she's more stable. Nina comes to ask Chandler why people keep taking her scissors. His lies unravel and Nina learns the truth. She attacks his hand with a stapler.

Ross: has discipline problems with Marcel. He goes to Lamaze classes with Carol and Susan. There's awkwardness with trying to explain relationships, Susan and Ross fight a little. Carol can't make it to the class one day and Susan and Ross must do the lesson themselves. After watching a birthing video, Carol decides she doesn't want to go through with the birth. In comforting her, Susan mentions they're going to be parents and it finally hits Ross he's going to be a father. Ross is worried he won't be any good at it because he's not very good with Marcel.

Joey: eats at Riff's with Chandler, where they meet Phoebe's twin sister, Ursula. Joey is attracted to Ursula and goes back to Riff's to see her. Ursula and Joey start dating; Joey really likes Ursula. Phoebe is concerned about his relationship with Ursula, but Joey doesn't really pay attention to Phoebe's worries. Joey and Ursula have sex at the end of the episode.

Phoebe: tells Joey that she doesn't mind if he dates Ursula, but it's clear that she does. At Central Perk she's mistaken for Ursula by some Riff's patrons (Helen Hunt and Leila Kenzle...I think, from 'Mad About You'). Joey buys a birthday sweater for Ursula and asks Phoebe to try it on. Phoebe tells Joey she's not happy about him dating Ursula. Joey likes Ursula so much by this point, he disregards Phoebe's feelings. Phoebe asks if Joey and Ursula have had sex, but they hadn't yet. At Monica's, they flip the t.v. to a show with sisters and Phoebe asks them to turn it off. They all (except Joey) talk about Phoebe's feelings. It comes out that she's afraid Ursula will break Joey's heart, ruining Phoebe's friendship with Joey. The gang tells her to tell Joey what she just told them. She goes across the hall and Ursula answers the door, wearing nothing but a button-down shirt.

Rachel and Monica: are sorta fighting because Rachel hasn't taken the Christmas lights off the balcony yet. At the end of the episode, Rachel goes out to take the lights down and falls off the balcony. Her leg gets wrapped in the string of lights, keeping her from reaching the ground.

• This is a crossover episode with 'Mad About You.' Sort of. Lisa Kudrow played Ursula on 'Mad About You' before being cast as Phoebe. It's a good way to join the two shows, though, since Lisa Kudrow continued appearing on 'Mad About You.' I never watched 'Mad About You,' so I'm not really an authority on things that happened on that show.
• I can't find a picture of this, but Monica's hair is very Tracy Turnblad at the beginning of this episode. I kinda wish this was a fat-Monica episode; it'd be perfect.
  

• So, the Christmas lights aren't there in TOW: the Stoned Guy.

• Susan looks like she just walked out of the Salem Witch Trials.
  

• Monica knits and Chandler and Rachel hold her yarn. I'm pretty sure this is the only time Monica knits, ever. It's pretty sad that Chandler and Rachel have time to sit around and hold Monica's yarn.
  

• Chandler meets Leatherstocking. James Fenimore Cooper would be proud.
  

• I don't really think that stapling someone's hand is the way to go about defending your sanity.
  

• I'm not overly impressed by part 1. It's a bit...lackluster. It's moderately funny and some stuff happens, but I really don't see why this had to be a two-parter. Not much happens with Ross at Lamaze class until they see the birthing video; a lot of Ross's stuff could've been cut, I think.

• Sometimes Nina's last name is listed as "Bookbinder" but other times she's listed as"Nina the Bookbinder." I don't know.
  

• The 'S' in the WENUS acronym changes meaning! Instead of 'Systems' it's 'Statistics.' I guess the writers realized 'Systems' didn't make much sense.
  

Oh. My. God.

"This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now." -Chandler, waiting to be served at Riff's.

"I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control." -Ross, complaining about Marcel.

"You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore." -Chandler, after discussing the physical differences between Ursula and Phoebe with Joey.

"So, twins. Huh, that's like two births. Ouch." -Ross, deflecting attention from himself, Carol, and Susan at Lamaze class.

"Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack."
"Your--Excuse me?"
"WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics."
"Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS." -Chandler and Nina, talking about the WENUS.

"It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies." -Mr. Douglas, Chandler's boss on the Annual Net Usage Statistics.

"Y'know, once your inside, you don't have to knock anymore." -Chandler, responding to a knock on the door after Joey comes in.

"Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of 'capade." -Chandler, learning that Joey is taking Ursula to the Ice-Capades.

"Knit, good woman! Knit, Knit!" -Chandler to Monica, as Phoebe and Joey argue.

"What do you know? No one's come up to you and said, 'Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it'?!?!" -Carol, after seeing the birthing video. Also, why I will never have children.

"Y'know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different." -Chandler, as Ross compares Marcel to his unborn son.



Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow!!!