TO: After the Superbowl

My God, this was a long episode.

Ross: starts to miss Marcel after seeing a 'Monkey Shine Beer' commercial that stars a monkey that looks just like Marcel. He goes to a conference in L.A. and plans on visiting Marcel at the Zoo. When he gets to the Zoo, he can't find Marcel and is told by an administrator (Fred Willard) that Marcel died. Ross mopes around the Zoo until a janitor (Dan Castellaneta) informs him that Marcel was stolen. Back in the city, Ross does some investigating and finds Marcel. Marcel's in the city as part of the cast of 'Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan.' Ross and the gang go the set to see Marcel. At first, Marcel ignores Ross, but then Ross starts singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight and Marcel comes over. Marcel is kind of a diva and it makes Ross sad. Marcel's trainer tells Ross he can keep Marcel for a little bit one night. Ross makes a lot of plans, setting up music, candles, and making Marcel's favorite meal. The trainer calls and says Marcel can't make it. Ross is sad. On Marcel's last day of shooting, Ross is told he can go visit, but Ross doesn't want to; he thinks Marcel's moved on. Marcel is at Central Perk and he and Ross spend the day visiting around the city. Ross and the gang gather at the set and say goodbye to Marcel. He also helps Joey explain to Erika that he isn't Drake and finds Chandler in the bathroom in panties.

Phoebe: notices a really cute guy (Chris Isaak) in Central Perk. He comes up to her, his name is Rob,and says he schedules musicians to play at the library for the kids. He wants Phoebe to play. Phoebe has her first performance and is really nervous. Rob encourages her and kisses her. Phoebe plays and all her songs are inappropriate for children. Rob says that he liked her songs and that she told the kids the truth, but he really wants her to sing songs about things like barnyard animals. The next performance, Phoebe does sing about farm animals--getting slaughtered. Rob comes to Central Perk and informs Phoebe she's fired because the library was getting complaints from parents. Phoebe thinks he should have argued for her to continue on at the library, singing what she wants, but Rob wants her to sing regular songs. Phoebe gets ready for a performance at Central Perk and a whole bunch of kids from the library show up to watch. Phoebe continuously breaks up Monica and Rachel's fights.

Joey: gets his very own stalker! Her name is Erika and he gets a letter from her with no postage and sent to his personal address. At first he's excited, but then he gets a little scared. Erika comes to the apartment one day when Chandler and Joey are hanging out. They try to run away, but can't escape. Erika knocks and Joey answers. Erika (Brooke Shields) is really hot. Joey doesn't go to Phoebe's first performance because he's having lunch with Erika. Erika seriously believes that Joey is Dr. Drake Ramore; she doesn't understand that Days of Our Lives is a television show. At lunch, a man chokes and Erika expects Joey to save him, which he doesn't. Erika asks for an explanation, but doesn't allow Joey to give it. He stops trying to explain he's not really a doctor when Erika kisses him and licks his hand. Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, and Monica are watching the show when Erika comes to the apartment. She's made at Drake for making out with Sabrina on the show. She throws a glass of water on him. Joey tries to explain he's not really Drake, but an actor, but Erika doesn't understand. Rachel turns on the television, trying to show Erika what Joey means by being an actor, but she STILL doesn't understand. Ross tells Erika that Joey is actually Drake's evil twin brother Hans. Rachel and Monica play along, pretending that Joey duped them into thinking he was Drake. They throw water at him. Chandler throws water at him for leaving the toilet seat up. Joey tells Erika to go to Salem and find the real Drake. Joey comforts Ross when Marcel can't visit. On the movie set, Joey keeps trying to impress the director to get a role. He goes to dinner with the Director's Assistant (and Chandler, Susie, and Ross), but she tells him she can't get him a part. An actor, playing a disease victim, gets sick (irony?) and the Director's Assistant recommends Joey and he gets the part. He's the first to find Chandler in the restaurant bathroom wearing only panties.

Chandler: meets a make-up artist, Susie, (Julia Roberts) on the movie set who he went to grade school with. When they were in fourth grade, Chandler pulled Susie's skirt up at a school play and everyone saw her underwear; the nicknamed her 'Susie underpants.' Susie seems to be attracted to Chandler and suggests he should ask her out, which he does. They start dating and Chandler thinks she's the perfect woman. They go to dinner with Joey, the Director's Assistant, and Ross. Before they go, Susie suggests that Chandler put on her underwear. He agrees when Susie says she'll be going commando. At dinner, Susie tells Chandler they should have sex in the bathroom. Chandler meets her in a stall and she tells him to show her the panties. Chandler undresses and Susie sneaks out of the stall. She steals Chandler's clothes and leaves him wearing only panties as payback for the skirt lifting incident. Joey comes in to use the bathroom and Chandler tells him what happened. Joey peaks over the stall wall to see Chandler in the panties. Ross comes in and Joey and Chandler tell him what happened. Ross peaks over the other side of the stall to see Chandler in the panties. Chandler wants one of them to give him their underwear, but they won't. An old guy comes in and sees them all standing there. Chandler walks through the restaurant using a stall door as a shield. He also attends Phoebe's first library performance.

Monica and Rachel: see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the movie set. Monica has a huge crush on him, but Rachel's never heard of him. Rachel thinks Monica should tell Jean-Claude she thinks he's hot, but Monica won't. Rachel talks to Jean-Claude and he's not interested in Monica, but Rachel. Rachel tells Monica that Jean-Claude wouldn't stop hitting on her and Monica tells Rachel to date him if she wants to. Rachel goes on a date with Jean-Claude. They go to a club and hang out with Drew Barrymore. Monica is furious. She and Rachel get into a huge fight, which turns physical. Phoebe has to break it up. Rachel agrees to stop seeing Jean-Claude and to set Monica up with him. Monica goes on her date with Jean-Claude and learns he only agreed to date her because Rachel told him Monica wanted to have a threesome with Drew Barrymore. Monica and Rachel fight some more, this time destroying each others stuff. Monica pulls apart Rachel's favorite sweater and Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse. Phoebe breaks their fight up again and forces them to make up. They go to the movie set to say goodbye to Jean-Claude. They both kiss him and he suggests a threesome. They decline. In the first part of this episode, they go with Phoebe to her performance. Monica steals cookies.

• I completely forgot this one was a two-parter. I kept thinking it was taking longer than normal.
  

• We have a resurgence of some of my favorite fashions! The moose sweater and the leopard print mock turtleneck! How I've missed thee...

• Here's a new one though,

It's like--dress vomit.

• All the guest stars! Julia Roberts makes me sooo happy. I love Julia Roberts. But there's also Fred Willard, Dan Castellaneta (that's really hard to spell), Chris Isaak, Brooke, 'nothing comes between me and my Clavin's' Shields, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. I'm not so in to the Van Damme. Eh.
  

• I don't think I can adequately describe my love for Erika, as played by Brooke Shields. The whole thing is amazing. She has the best creepy stalker laugh I've ever heard in my life. Ever. Plus, she makes this face:

And is the cause of this:



There are a few times where Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox almost lose it. Awesome. Erika is incredibly well dressed for a mentally ill person.

• A selection of Phoebe Buffay song lyrics:
  

"Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike, But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner, Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too."

"There'll be times when you get older, when you'll want to sleep with people, just to make them like you..., but don't, Cause that's another thing you don't wanna do, everybody, that's another thing that you don't wanna do."

And my personal favorite: "Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers."

• Words fail me...except to say that I want the noise Joey makes as a ringtone.
  

• I love the Susie/Chandler thing. Granted, it's a little sad she waits all these years for revenge on Chandler--but the pink thong sorta makes up for all that.
  

Where'd Chandler get the screwdriver to take the door off its hinges to leave the restaurant?

• Jean-Claude Van Damme causes this to happen:

• Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse.

I have some issues with food. That purse filled with sauce is so disgusting.

• I'm not as sad to see Marcel go this time. This is a great episode, but I'm not a Marcel fan (in case you hadn't guessed from my Ebola tirades). The fact that he's appearing in Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan doesn't change my feelings about him. I saw Outbreak and I blame that movie for ruining my life by introducing me to the existence of hemorrhagic fevers. I had nightmares for weeks.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding." -Rachel, assuring Ross that giving up Marcel was the right thing to do.

"Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got."
"Rhythm?" -Joey and Chandler, when Joey gets his first fan letter.

"You know, I think he will be surprised, 'til he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, y'know, isn't capable of that emotion." -Chandler, responding to Ross wanting to surprise Marcel.

"Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon." -Chandler, to Joey as they arm themselves to face Erika.

"Ok, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met."
"That's how radio stars escape stalkers." -Joey and Chandler, running from Erika.

"What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one that wants to boff the maniac." -Chandler, after defending Joey's choice to date Erika to Monica and Rachel.

"Oh, Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them...but I won't." -Erika, at her lunch with Joey.

"Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?" -Ross, thinking the janitor is propositioning him.

"Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. " -Joey, explaining to Erika why he didn't help the choking man.

"That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdale's." -Chandler, learning that Ross is the Monkey Shine monkey.

"What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like purple dinosaur?"
"I'm not saying you have to be Barney."
"Who's Barney?" -Phoebe and Rob.

"This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year." -Ross, about to see Marcel again.

"It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan." -Susie, trying to do a star's make-up.

"Yes, back then, I uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank god I don't do that anymore." -Chandler, telling Susie how he's changed.

"Ok, then, eat me, I'm done." -Chandler, talking to Phoebe.

"My skirt! You lifted! Kids laughing! I was Susie Underpants 'til I was 18!" -Susie, after stealing Chandler's clothes.

"You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara." -Rachel, threatening Monica's purse.

"Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. "-Joey, finding Chandler in the bathroom.

"Hi, Tushie!" -Ross, peaking at Chandler's thong.

"Are you sure? I can crush a walnut with my butt." -Jean-Claude, propositioning Monica and Rachel for a threesome.



Phew! I need a nap.

TOW: Heckles Dies

Mr. Heckles comes to Monica and Rachel's to tell them to keep it down. They don't think they were being particularly loud. Mr. Heckles starts banging on his ceiling with a broom and the gang, all at Monica's, stomps at him out of frustration. Heckles dies.

Monica and Rachel: feel really guilty because they know Heckles was banging on the ceiling when he died to get them to stop making so much noise. Heckles' lawyer shows up and tells them that Heckles left them everything in his apartment. Monica thinks he left them his things because he liked them, but his apartment is so cluttered with junk that Monica decides it was his last payback. Rachel finds a horrible driftwood, sea shell lamp that she has to have, but Monica hates it. It comes out that Monica still thinks of their apartment as hers. Rachel takes the lamp. Preparing to go out to dinner, Monica puts on her jacket and breaks the lamp. Rachel's sure Monica did it on purpose. To make up for it, as they finish cleaning Heckles' place, Monica gives Rachel a girlie-clock Rachel'd been admiring to decorate their apartment.

Chandler: breaks up with a woman because of her distractingly huge nostrils. Everyone criticizes Chandler for breaking up with women for silly reasons. Chandler says he broke up with Janice for valid reasons. After Heckles dies, and they're going through his things, Chandler finds a 'big book of grievances' that Heckles would write in. Joey finds Heckles' year book. Chandler starts freaking out when he learns that Heckles was the class clown, played clarinet, and was in the miniature club, all things very similar to Chandler in high school. Chandler spends the night in Heckles' apartment, fearing that he'll end up alone and crazy. His fears get worse when he finds a box of pictures of all of Heckles ex's, where Heckles cataloged all of their faults. Joey tries to comfort him, but Chandler decides he has to make a change right away. Chandler calls Janice. Janice comes into Central Perk and is pregnant and married. Chandler thinks he's lost all his chances at not ending up alone. He tells Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe of his fears and they say he's just being a normal guy. Chandler feels better and asks out a woman he works with, despite her giant head. On the date, he can't get over how huge her head is.

Ross and Phoebe: fight about evolution. Phoebe mentions that she doesn't believe in the theory of evolution. Ross is upset and makes it his personal mission to convince Phoebe that evolution is scientific fact. He talks about the fossil records of species evolving and even brings samples home from the museum. Phoebe is irritated that Ross can't open his mind enough to acknowledge that scientists might not know everything about evolution and what they think they know could change. Ross finally admits that Phoebe is correct; there's a possibility that evolution is not true. Phoebe is upset that Ross would abandon his principles so easily.

Joey: tries to comfort Chandler about being similar to Heckles. He's also transfixed by Heckles' magnifying mirror thing and takes it at the end of the episode. Oh, yeah, he also dated a drag queen when he was first in the city. The gang can't bring themselves to tell him that, really, only dudes have Adam's apples.

• What constitutes abnormally large nostrils, exactly? Cause, y'know, if someone had a huge nose it'd be weird for them to have tiny nostrils.

• This is the first episode with Mr. Treeger (Mike Hagerty), the apartment maintenance guy.

He looks like a mixture of Cliff and Norm from 'Cheers.' Ross seems to have indigestion.

• This really is an awful, awful lamp.
  

I'm all for kitsch, but, um, ew. I'm faintly amused by the girlie-clock, though.

• Should I feel sorry for Chandler when Janice comes in pregnant?
  

Cause I just think it's epically awesome.

• This is, all things considered, a pretty good episode... But the part where they leave Heckles' apartment for the last time and Chandler says, "Bye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down"... I'm not an unsentimental person, but blergh. I know he's supposed to have learned about himself from Heckles' death, and that's great and all, but the line was totally unnecessary.
  

Oh. My. God.

"When she sneezed, bats flew out of them." -Chandler, commenting on Joan's nostrils.

"Uh-oh. It's Issac Newton, and he's pissed." -Chandler, responding to a knock at the door after Phoebe says she doesn't believe in gravity.

"Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap." -Chandler, in Heckles's apartment for the first time.

"Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?" -Phoebe, arguing with Ross over evolution.

"Opposable thumbs! Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?" -Ross, explaining opposable thumbs to Phoebe.

"Is there blood coming out of my ears?" -Ross, after fighting with Phoebe.

"Did they go to the zoo? Supposably." -Joey, trying to figure out how to say 'supposedly.'

"Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps." -Rachel, responding to Monica saying she's allergic to shellfish.

"Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake." -Chandler, freaking out about being alone.

"Nice smile, good dresser...BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD!" -Chandler, inner monologue during his dinner with Alison.