TO: After the Superbowl

My God, this was a long episode.

Ross: starts to miss Marcel after seeing a 'Monkey Shine Beer' commercial that stars a monkey that looks just like Marcel. He goes to a conference in L.A. and plans on visiting Marcel at the Zoo. When he gets to the Zoo, he can't find Marcel and is told by an administrator (Fred Willard) that Marcel died. Ross mopes around the Zoo until a janitor (Dan Castellaneta) informs him that Marcel was stolen. Back in the city, Ross does some investigating and finds Marcel. Marcel's in the city as part of the cast of 'Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan.' Ross and the gang go the set to see Marcel. At first, Marcel ignores Ross, but then Ross starts singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight and Marcel comes over. Marcel is kind of a diva and it makes Ross sad. Marcel's trainer tells Ross he can keep Marcel for a little bit one night. Ross makes a lot of plans, setting up music, candles, and making Marcel's favorite meal. The trainer calls and says Marcel can't make it. Ross is sad. On Marcel's last day of shooting, Ross is told he can go visit, but Ross doesn't want to; he thinks Marcel's moved on. Marcel is at Central Perk and he and Ross spend the day visiting around the city. Ross and the gang gather at the set and say goodbye to Marcel. He also helps Joey explain to Erika that he isn't Drake and finds Chandler in the bathroom in panties.

Phoebe: notices a really cute guy (Chris Isaak) in Central Perk. He comes up to her, his name is Rob,and says he schedules musicians to play at the library for the kids. He wants Phoebe to play. Phoebe has her first performance and is really nervous. Rob encourages her and kisses her. Phoebe plays and all her songs are inappropriate for children. Rob says that he liked her songs and that she told the kids the truth, but he really wants her to sing songs about things like barnyard animals. The next performance, Phoebe does sing about farm animals--getting slaughtered. Rob comes to Central Perk and informs Phoebe she's fired because the library was getting complaints from parents. Phoebe thinks he should have argued for her to continue on at the library, singing what she wants, but Rob wants her to sing regular songs. Phoebe gets ready for a performance at Central Perk and a whole bunch of kids from the library show up to watch. Phoebe continuously breaks up Monica and Rachel's fights.

Joey: gets his very own stalker! Her name is Erika and he gets a letter from her with no postage and sent to his personal address. At first he's excited, but then he gets a little scared. Erika comes to the apartment one day when Chandler and Joey are hanging out. They try to run away, but can't escape. Erika knocks and Joey answers. Erika (Brooke Shields) is really hot. Joey doesn't go to Phoebe's first performance because he's having lunch with Erika. Erika seriously believes that Joey is Dr. Drake Ramore; she doesn't understand that Days of Our Lives is a television show. At lunch, a man chokes and Erika expects Joey to save him, which he doesn't. Erika asks for an explanation, but doesn't allow Joey to give it. He stops trying to explain he's not really a doctor when Erika kisses him and licks his hand. Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, and Monica are watching the show when Erika comes to the apartment. She's made at Drake for making out with Sabrina on the show. She throws a glass of water on him. Joey tries to explain he's not really Drake, but an actor, but Erika doesn't understand. Rachel turns on the television, trying to show Erika what Joey means by being an actor, but she STILL doesn't understand. Ross tells Erika that Joey is actually Drake's evil twin brother Hans. Rachel and Monica play along, pretending that Joey duped them into thinking he was Drake. They throw water at him. Chandler throws water at him for leaving the toilet seat up. Joey tells Erika to go to Salem and find the real Drake. Joey comforts Ross when Marcel can't visit. On the movie set, Joey keeps trying to impress the director to get a role. He goes to dinner with the Director's Assistant (and Chandler, Susie, and Ross), but she tells him she can't get him a part. An actor, playing a disease victim, gets sick (irony?) and the Director's Assistant recommends Joey and he gets the part. He's the first to find Chandler in the restaurant bathroom wearing only panties.

Chandler: meets a make-up artist, Susie, (Julia Roberts) on the movie set who he went to grade school with. When they were in fourth grade, Chandler pulled Susie's skirt up at a school play and everyone saw her underwear; the nicknamed her 'Susie underpants.' Susie seems to be attracted to Chandler and suggests he should ask her out, which he does. They start dating and Chandler thinks she's the perfect woman. They go to dinner with Joey, the Director's Assistant, and Ross. Before they go, Susie suggests that Chandler put on her underwear. He agrees when Susie says she'll be going commando. At dinner, Susie tells Chandler they should have sex in the bathroom. Chandler meets her in a stall and she tells him to show her the panties. Chandler undresses and Susie sneaks out of the stall. She steals Chandler's clothes and leaves him wearing only panties as payback for the skirt lifting incident. Joey comes in to use the bathroom and Chandler tells him what happened. Joey peaks over the stall wall to see Chandler in the panties. Ross comes in and Joey and Chandler tell him what happened. Ross peaks over the other side of the stall to see Chandler in the panties. Chandler wants one of them to give him their underwear, but they won't. An old guy comes in and sees them all standing there. Chandler walks through the restaurant using a stall door as a shield. He also attends Phoebe's first library performance.

Monica and Rachel: see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the movie set. Monica has a huge crush on him, but Rachel's never heard of him. Rachel thinks Monica should tell Jean-Claude she thinks he's hot, but Monica won't. Rachel talks to Jean-Claude and he's not interested in Monica, but Rachel. Rachel tells Monica that Jean-Claude wouldn't stop hitting on her and Monica tells Rachel to date him if she wants to. Rachel goes on a date with Jean-Claude. They go to a club and hang out with Drew Barrymore. Monica is furious. She and Rachel get into a huge fight, which turns physical. Phoebe has to break it up. Rachel agrees to stop seeing Jean-Claude and to set Monica up with him. Monica goes on her date with Jean-Claude and learns he only agreed to date her because Rachel told him Monica wanted to have a threesome with Drew Barrymore. Monica and Rachel fight some more, this time destroying each others stuff. Monica pulls apart Rachel's favorite sweater and Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse. Phoebe breaks their fight up again and forces them to make up. They go to the movie set to say goodbye to Jean-Claude. They both kiss him and he suggests a threesome. They decline. In the first part of this episode, they go with Phoebe to her performance. Monica steals cookies.

• I completely forgot this one was a two-parter. I kept thinking it was taking longer than normal.
  

• We have a resurgence of some of my favorite fashions! The moose sweater and the leopard print mock turtleneck! How I've missed thee...

• Here's a new one though,

It's like--dress vomit.

• All the guest stars! Julia Roberts makes me sooo happy. I love Julia Roberts. But there's also Fred Willard, Dan Castellaneta (that's really hard to spell), Chris Isaak, Brooke, 'nothing comes between me and my Clavin's' Shields, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. I'm not so in to the Van Damme. Eh.
  

• I don't think I can adequately describe my love for Erika, as played by Brooke Shields. The whole thing is amazing. She has the best creepy stalker laugh I've ever heard in my life. Ever. Plus, she makes this face:

And is the cause of this:



There are a few times where Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox almost lose it. Awesome. Erika is incredibly well dressed for a mentally ill person.

• A selection of Phoebe Buffay song lyrics:
  

"Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike, But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner, Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too."

"There'll be times when you get older, when you'll want to sleep with people, just to make them like you..., but don't, Cause that's another thing you don't wanna do, everybody, that's another thing that you don't wanna do."

And my personal favorite: "Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers."

• Words fail me...except to say that I want the noise Joey makes as a ringtone.
  

• I love the Susie/Chandler thing. Granted, it's a little sad she waits all these years for revenge on Chandler--but the pink thong sorta makes up for all that.
  

Where'd Chandler get the screwdriver to take the door off its hinges to leave the restaurant?

• Jean-Claude Van Damme causes this to happen:

• Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse.

I have some issues with food. That purse filled with sauce is so disgusting.

• I'm not as sad to see Marcel go this time. This is a great episode, but I'm not a Marcel fan (in case you hadn't guessed from my Ebola tirades). The fact that he's appearing in Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan doesn't change my feelings about him. I saw Outbreak and I blame that movie for ruining my life by introducing me to the existence of hemorrhagic fevers. I had nightmares for weeks.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding." -Rachel, assuring Ross that giving up Marcel was the right thing to do.

"Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got."
"Rhythm?" -Joey and Chandler, when Joey gets his first fan letter.

"You know, I think he will be surprised, 'til he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, y'know, isn't capable of that emotion." -Chandler, responding to Ross wanting to surprise Marcel.

"Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon." -Chandler, to Joey as they arm themselves to face Erika.

"Ok, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met."
"That's how radio stars escape stalkers." -Joey and Chandler, running from Erika.

"What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one that wants to boff the maniac." -Chandler, after defending Joey's choice to date Erika to Monica and Rachel.

"Oh, Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them...but I won't." -Erika, at her lunch with Joey.

"Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?" -Ross, thinking the janitor is propositioning him.

"Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. " -Joey, explaining to Erika why he didn't help the choking man.

"That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdale's." -Chandler, learning that Ross is the Monkey Shine monkey.

"What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like purple dinosaur?"
"I'm not saying you have to be Barney."
"Who's Barney?" -Phoebe and Rob.

"This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year." -Ross, about to see Marcel again.

"It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan." -Susie, trying to do a star's make-up.

"Yes, back then, I uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank god I don't do that anymore." -Chandler, telling Susie how he's changed.

"Ok, then, eat me, I'm done." -Chandler, talking to Phoebe.

"My skirt! You lifted! Kids laughing! I was Susie Underpants 'til I was 18!" -Susie, after stealing Chandler's clothes.

"You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara." -Rachel, threatening Monica's purse.

"Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. "-Joey, finding Chandler in the bathroom.

"Hi, Tushie!" -Ross, peaking at Chandler's thong.

"Are you sure? I can crush a walnut with my butt." -Jean-Claude, propositioning Monica and Rachel for a threesome.



Phew! I need a nap.

TOW: the Fake Monica

Monica: goes out to lunch with her mom. Monica gives the waiter her credit card, but it's declined. Someone stole Monica's credit card number. Monica looks at her statement and see's all the fun things the fake Monica's been doing, including taking classes at the New School. Monica calls the school to find out what classes she's taking so she can find who stole her credit card number. The class the woman is taking is a tap class. Monica goes and ends up paired with the fake Monica (Claudia Shear). Monica tells fake Monica her name is Monana. Monica and the girls take fake Monica to lunch and really like her. Monica starts spending a lot of time with fake Monica, getting kicked out of hotels and going to open casting calls for 'Cats.' Monica's also been skipping out on work. Monica and fake Monica crash an Embassy party and Monica comes home drunk. She gets a call from the credit card company, letting her know that the person who was using her credit card was arrested. Monica goes to see fake Monica in jail. The fake Monica tells her that she needs to go back to living her life.

Ross: has more problems with Marcel. Now the monkey is uncontrollably humping things. Ross takes Marcel to the vet and learns that the humping is because Marcel's reached sexual maturity and will become aggressive and violent. Ross tells Chandler and Joey he has to give Marcel up. Ross needs to get Marcel placed in a zoo, which becomes like getting a kid in to college. The ideal zoo is San Diego, but Ross doesn't think they'll get in there. Marcel gets rejected from the Scranton Zoo, and Ross is upset because that was their safety zoo. Ross interviews a man, Dr. Baldhara (Harry Shearer), who wants Marcel. Ross thinks Baldhara has a zoo, but he really fights exotic animals. Chandler and Joey run into Central Perk during the interview, telling Ross Marcel got in to San Diego. Ross has to say good-bye to Marcel at the airport.

Rachel and Phoebe: go to tap class with Monica to find the fake Monica. Rachel can tap dance really well. They pair up, leaving Monica by herself to get paired with the fake Monica. They all take fake Monica to lunch. Rachel starts getting really upset with Monica, especially when she comes home drunk in the afternoon and stops going to work. Phoebe gives Marcel a going away poem and Rachel gives him her Curious George doll.

Chandler and Joey: help Ross cope with having to give up Marcel. Joey's looking for a stage name and asks Chandler to help. Chandler supplies things like, "Joseph Stalin," which Joey actually tries to go by. At the end of the episode, Joey goes to an audition as Holden McGroin.

• If Monica's spending seventy bucks on a mop it's probably good that she gets out more. Just sayin.'
  

• I can't believe that Joey still listens to Chandler. Joseph Stalin? Seriously?? I hope his agent told him who Stalin was before he went on any auditions. Judging by the 'Holden McGroin' from the audition at the end, that's not likely.
  

• Monica and Phoebe are both dressed like they really think they're only going to be observing the dance class, but Rachel's already wearing clothes to workout in.
  

To join in with the class they have to find tap shoes in a communal extra shoe bucket. Ew.

• In TOW: the Monkey gets Away, it's clearly stated (multiple times, since it's the whole point of that episode) that Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. That being the case, how is Ross able to take him to the vet? A responsible veterinarian would most likely report the illegal animal and Ross. My hatred toward monkeys has nothing to do with how I feel about this. Not a thing. Swear.
  

• Joey and Chandler are really upset about Ross having to give Marcel up. I didn't realize they were that close to Marcel.
  

I know they're more upset for Ross, but everyone's just. so. sad.

• I pretty much agree with...well, everyone else about the fake Monica thing. She obviously didn't have it so great if she had to steal Monica's identity. Speaking of which, I really wanna know fake Monica's real name and, like, why she stole the credit card number in the first place. It's not really the point of the episode, I just hate not knowing things.
  

• I want to be delighted by drunk Monica.

But, really, I just find it irritating.

• Despite my general disgust, it's quite heartbreaking when the flight attendant takes Marcel away.
  

• The moral of this episode: monkey humping things=hilarious.
  

Oh. My. God.

" I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind." -Ross, talking with Monica about her credit card statement.

"Well, that's what we said about Joey..." -Chandler, about Marcel's humping phase.

"Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious." -Rachel, after Marcel got frisky with her stuffed animal.

"Oh yes! 'Bye Bye Birdie' starring Joseph Stalin! Joseph Stalin is 'The Fiddler on the Roof'!" -Chandler, trying out the stage name he suggests for Joey.

"You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class." -the Teacher, when Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe arrive.

"Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare." -Monica, thinking she has to be paired with the dance teacher.

"She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?" -Chandler, responding to Ross saying he went to the vet.

"Ah, your own brand of vigilante justice." -Chandler, learning that the girls took the fake Monica to lunch.

"What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer." -Ross, again about the lunch.

"...Take off their hats!"
"Popes in a Volkswagen!" -Chandler and Phoebe, it's, like, joke trivia.

"See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him."
"I'd say the chair's taking the brunt." -Ross and Phoebe, after Marcel doesn't get in to Scranton and humps a chair.

"You know there already is a Joseph Stalin!" -Joey.

"I'm--I'm Monana!" -Monica, coming home drunk and arguing with Rachel.

"Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?" -Fake Monica, while Monica visits her in jail.

"Marcel, I'm hungry." -Joey, telling Marcel how he feels.

"Marcel, this is for you. It's,uh, just, y'know, something to do on the plane." -Rachel, giving Marcel her Curious George.

TOW: Two Parts, Part 2

Monica and Rachel: The last time we saw Rachel, she was hanging off the balcony on a strand of Christmas lights. Part 2 opens with Monica helping Rachel at the hospital. Monica is filling out the forms for Rachel when she learns that Rachel has no insurance and can't really pay for the visit. Rachel asks if she can just use Monica's insurance. Monica is reluctant, that being insurance fraud, but she eventually agrees. For hospital purposes, Rachel is Monica and Monica is Rachel. They meet two cute doctors, Michael and Jeffery (George Clooney and Noah Wyle!!), who know them by their newly assumed names. They invite Michael and Jeffery to the apartment for drinks; the two doctors are nervous because they haven't had much luck with women they met at the hospital. Monica and Rachel get into a fight because Rachel thinks they should come clean about the insurance thing, but Monica thinks it's a horrible idea. Rachel and Monica, still with identities switched, bring up the worst things about each other in front of the doctors. The next morning the hospital calls and says there was a problem with 'Monica's' forms; she forgot to sign one of them. Monica and Rachel go to the hospital and Rachel fills out a new set of forms as herself, paying the bill with a check.

Ross: is dealing with his realization that he's going to be a father. He has dinner with his dad, asking Mr. Geller when he first felt like a father. Mr. Geller tells Ross that it was when Ross first grabbed his finger the day after Ross was born. Ross is playing Scrabble with Chandler when he realizes that some letter tiles are missing. Marcel starts making gagging noises and Ross realizes Marcel ate the missing tile. They (Ross and Chandler) rush Marcel to the hospital, where the George Clooney doctor offers to take a look at him. Ross sits with Marcel after the tile extraction, but still does not feel like a father. Marcel wakes up and grabs Ross's finger, finally making Ross feel like a dad.

Joey: still dates Ursula. He makes plans to take her to the Rainbow Room for her birthday, blowing off Phoebe's party. Ursula stands him up and stops returning his calls. Joey is sad.

Phoebe: doesn't like that Joey is still dating Ursula. At her surprise party she notices that Joey isn't there and knows that he's with her sister. When Ursula stops seeing Joey, Phoebe is not surprised, but she's upset for Joey. She goes to Riff's to talk to Ursula about Joey. Phoebe and Ursula exchange gifts; Ursula give Phoebe the sweater Joey bought for her. Ursula tells Phoebe she's not going to tell Joey it's over. Phoebe goes into Central Perk in the sweater Joey bought Ursula, pretending to be her sister. Phoebe as Ursula breaks up with Joey. They kiss and Joey realizes it's not Ursula, but Phoebe.

Chandler: plays lots of Scrabble. He also helps Ross deal with his not-feeling-like-a-dad issues.

• Boy, there are a lot of identity switches in this episode. It's like reading a more complicated 'Sweet Valley' book. Monica and Rachel's switch is highly amusing, though I don't recommend committing insurance fraud.

• Oh my God, I love George Clooney.
  

This is the best picture I can find. You'd think there'd be more.

• The whole insurance fraud thing is really, really stupid. Like, it makes my cringe it's such a bad idea.
  

• I really hate Scrabble. I hate monkeys, too. This episode almost gets rid of two with one stone...or, one Scrabble tile, as it were.
  

• How does Riff's get any business if the service is so bad? The mind boggles. Is the horrible service a shtick? And wouldn't people get tired of it after awhile? The food has to be out-of-this-world.

• This is a horrible tie.
  

And Ross kinda looks like this guy:

• When Phoebe comes into Central Perk as Ursula, Joey is doing "she loves me, she loves me not" with a flower. That is so not a Joey thing to do. But adorable.
  

• Ross and Chandler go to the hospital with Marcel, not realizing that Monica and Rachel are there. This happens.

I love.

• Phoebe breaking up with Joey as Ursula is the sweetest thing. Joey thinks so, too, which is good because he's kind of a jerk about dating Ursula.

• Throughout the two parts, Monica and Rachel's tv has been stuck on Spanish. The little tidbit at the end is dubbed in Spanish. Ugly Naked Guy gets a hula hoop!

Oh.My.God

"Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us. And so, I, uh--I just heave it downfield."
"What, Are you crazy? That's a baby!" -Ross and Chandler, as Ross tells about his baby-as-football dream.

"Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit." -Chandler, talking to Joey about Phoebe's party.

"What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me." -Ross, getting Phoebe's "Surprise!" at her party.

"I got a lemon shmush." -Ross, after dropping Phoebe's cake.

"Would you relax? Look around. Noooo pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine." -Dr. Mitchell (George Clooney!), on Monica and Rachel.

"God bless the chickpea." -Dr. Mitchell, trying to break the tension between Monica and Rachel.

"I use my breasts to get other people's attention."
"We both do that." -Rachel and Monica, during their switched identity fight.

"You know, um, he's really nutsy about you."
"He is? Why?"
"You got me." -Phoebe and Ursula, about Joey.

"No food with a face." -Phoebe, after Ursula offers her chicken.

"No, no, you got zero points for 'idney'." -Chandler, playing Scrabble with Ross.

"The doctor got the 'k' out. He also found an 'm' and an 'o'."
"We think he was trying to spell out 'monkey'." -Ross and Chandler, after Marcel eats Scrabble tiles.

TOW: the Monkey

It's the holiday season in 'Friends' land!

Ross-gets a monkey, named Marcel. Ross is glad to have a pet since Carol left. Things with Marcel are not great; Monica doesn't like him, and he becomes distant with Ross. Chandler checks in on Marcel one night when Ross has to work late, and Chandler and Marcel have a great time. At the New Year's party, Marcel ignores Ross the whole night. Oh, Ross is the only person who doesn't have a date for New Year's at any time during this episode.

Monica-doesn't like Marcel at all, especially when he messes with her spatulas and pees on her coffee table. Really, can you blame her? She invites an ex-boyfriend, Fun Bobby, to New Year's. When Fun Bobby arrives he's no fun because his grandpa just died.

Phoebe- performs in Central Perk where she's interrupted by two geeky looking guys, David (Hank Azaria) and Max. They were discussing how beautiful David thought Phoebe was. David is a physicist. Anyway, he and Phoebe start dating and he becomes Phoebe's New Year's date. Before the party, though, David learns that he and Max got a grant to study in Minsk for 3 years, starting January 1. David doesn't know what to do and lets Phoebe make the decision, which is for him not to go. Max is furious. At the New Year's party, Phoebe sees how much going means to David and tells him that he has to go.

Joey-doesn't get the job as mall Santa Claus, a job he's had before. Instead, he's an elf. At work, he meets a single mom and invites her to New Year's. Sandy, the single mom, brings her kids to the party, which makes Joey feel awkward. He ends up taking care of the kids while Sandy hooks up with scientist guy Max.

Chandler- is freaking out about not having a New Year's date. To take the pressure off, he decides that everyone should make a pact not to have dates for New Year's. They halfheartedly agree. When Chandler learns Phoebe invited David, he acts all mad, but in actuality had already invited Janice. Janice thinks this means they are back together and spends most of the party saying how happy she is they're dating again. Chandler finally tells her the truth and Janice is mad.

Rachel-thinks Paolo is going to be in Rome for New Year's, so she's dateless irregardless of the pact. Paolo gets an earlier flight, though, but he misses it. Rachel is attacked by an angry woman at the airport, fighting over a cab. The woman tackles her, making Rachel hit her head on the curb and cut her lip on her attack whistle. Rachel tries to have fun at the party, but her eye is swelling shut and she can't drink anything without spilling it.

In the end, they all don't have dates, like they agreed on. Chandler really wants to kiss someone, but Phoebe's too sad and Rachel's lip hurts too bad. Monica doesn't want to kiss everyone. Joey ends up kissing Chandler to make him shut-up.

• I freaking love Hank Azaria!! Sweet, nerdy David is only one of the reasons I love Hank Azaria so very much. Agador, effing Spartacus???? I'm not sure if anyone else's ever seen Eulogy, but it's kind of awesome (also, Zooey Deschanel). And the Showtime show, Huff, which probably boasts one of the best, weirdest lines ever in, "You fucked my mother?!?!" Amazing.

• There are some incredibly, incredibly bad clothes in this episode. I think it's because the costume designers used up their budget on party clothes, but still. No excuse. Here's a sample of the bad.

Oh my God, the maroon. It hurts me. Chandler's sweater is frightening. Joey and Rachel are the only bright spots.


I feel physical pain looking at this.


I know better than to expect much from Janice, but yeesh. The big pink bow!

• I didn't realize getting a cab at the airport was so dangerous in the nineties. But, y'know, poor Rachel. I blame Paolo. Bastard.

• I'm with Monica on the Marcel thing. Gross, Ebola-ridden, flee-bitten thing.

• I'm legit creeped out by the chick Joey meets while dressed as an elf. That's just weird. I think there's a rule about not checking out dudes with pointed, jingly shoes.

• Ugly Naked Guy hangs candy canes...places.

• Chandler's midnight kiss.
  

Oh.My.God

" Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!" -Chandler, meeting Marcel the first time.

"I made a man with eyes of coal/ And a smile so bewitchin'/ How was I supposed to know/ That my mom was dead in the kitchen?" -Phoebe's song.

"That guy's going home with a note." -Chandler, while David is being scolded by Phoebe.

"...You are luminous with a kind of delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling." -David, explaining to Phoebe what he and Max were talking about.

"I mean, God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! Ooooh, did I just share too much?" -Rachel, learning that Phoebe and David hadn't even kissed by the 6th date.

"I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped!"
"Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history."
"I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!" -Chandler and Monica, as the dating pact unravels.

"Too many jokes! Must mock Joey!" -Chandler, seeing Joey in his elf costume.

"I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table." -Monica's response to Ross asking if Monica would treat Marcel badly if he was not a monkey, but Ross's girlfriend.

"And then your face exploded?" -Phoebe, seeing Rachel after she's attacked.

"I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocket book- starts yelling at me." -Rachel's explanation of the woman who attacked her.

"Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I mentally undressed an elf." -Sandy hitting on Joey. Ew.

"Kill me. Kill me now." -Chandler, responding to Janice asking Ross to take their picture.

"Hi, Max!"
"Yoko." -Phoebe and Max, after David decides not to go to Minsk.