TOW: the Flashback

The Set up: The gang's in Central Perk with Janice. Janice asks how many of them have hooked up. They answer none of them (except, y'know, Ross and Rachel). Janice then asks if any of them have gotten close to hooking up.

Three years earlier:
Monica: keeps noticing Phoebe acting really weird about her stuff. She's incredibly, incredibly controlling about the cleanliness of her apartment. She sees Joey as he leaves after viewing Chandler's apartment. They check each other out. Monica and Chandler go to the bar and Monica asks him about the roommate situation; she wants his roommate to be Joey because she thinks Joey's cute. They're getting ready to play pool and she goes to the restroom (it's not specified, so just guessing). When she comes back she notices Rachel, who's in the city with her dumb rich friends. Monica and Rachel catch up and say they'll get together sometime. Monica doubts she'll ever see Rachel again. Monica runs into Joey again when he's moving in. She thanks Chandler for choosing Joey to be his roommate. She catches Joey when he picks up a box that's too heavy. She mentions it being hot out and offers him some lemonade. She prepares the lemonade and tells Joey about how she got her apartment. When she turns around, Joey is naked. She freaks out and Joey explains himself. Monica vacuums and finally notices that Phoebe's moved all of her stuff out. She asks Phoebe about it and learns that Phoebe couldn't stand living with her because she's so obsessive about cleanliness. Chandler comes in for beer and Monica's just gotten out of the bath. She's upset because Phoebe leaving and afraid no guy is going to want to be with her. Chandler comforts her. She, Chandler, and Joey go to the bar and run into Phoebe and Ross.

Ross: has kind of been having some problems with Carol. He tells Chandler that things have gotten better since Carol met a new girl friend, Susan, at the gym. Later on in the week (I'm assuming) Ross is at Monica's with Phoebe, talking to Carol on the phone. Carol's worried Ross will be upset if she has a girl's night with Susan. Ross assures her that it's okay; he just wants her to have fun. He knows about Phoebe's moving out of Monica's and encourages Phoebe to tell Monica. At the end of the episode, Ross goes into the bar and sees Phoebe. The bar is closed, they are the only two people there. Ross tells Phoebe that his marriage is over because Carol is a lesbian. He's really upset and Phoebe comforts him. Ross wonders about what he could've done wrong to cause their marriage to fail. Phoebe tells him how great he is and keeps kissing him on the cheek. They end up making out. Ross lays her down on the pool table, pushing the balls out of the way. He keeps hitting his head on one of the lights and the balls keep getting in the way. They give up on hooking up. Joey, Chandler, and Monica come in and Ross and Phoebe jump apart. Ross tells the others about Carol.

Chandler: is searching for a new roommate, but he's not excited about any of his prospects. He interviews a photographer, Eric. Eric is a fashion photographer, warns Chandler there might be models around a lot, and lets him know that his sister, who's also a porn star, has a beach house (which Chandler can use). Chandler thinks Eric is the perfect roommate, but he goes ahead and interviews Joey. He shows Joey the apartment as fast as possible and tries to get rid of him, but Joey insists that Chandler actually interview him. Chandler tells Monica he's going with Eric. He and Monica go to the bar and prepare to play pool. Monica goes to the restroom and Chandler's waiting when he notices Rachel and her friends. He overhears Rachel talking about wanting a fling with the next guy she sees. Chandler throws a ball on the floor at her feet to be that guy. Rachel dismisses him. Eric tries to move in, but is stopped by Mr. Heckles who says he is Chandler's new roommate. Chandler thinks Eric just didn't show up. He asks Joey to move in with him. Chandler notices Joey watching Baywatch. Chandler thinks it looks pretty silly until he sees the girls. He goes to Monica's later in the evening for beer and comforts her while she's upset. He goes to the bar with Joey and Monica.

Joey: interviews to be Chandler's roommate. He checks out Monica as he's leaving. He also checks her out as he's moving in. He grabs a big box, not expecting it to be too heavy and nearly falls. Monica holds him up. He picked the box up too fast and got a head rush. Monica suggests it was because of the heat and offers him lemonade. Joey assumes she's offering sex and as she prepares the drink, he undresses. When Monica freaks out, he explains that he really thought she was offering sex because that happens to him a lot. He introduces Chandler to Baywatch. He has beer in a cooler so they don't have to go to the fridge.

Rachel: is in the city with two of her friends to celebrate her engagement to Barry. She's getting married in a year. She shows off her ring, but isn't too sure about the marriage. She tells her friends she wants to have a fling. They laugh it off, but she's serious. Chandler wants to be the guy she has a fling with, but she doesn't pay much attention to him. A waitress brings she and her friends drinks and they're wrong. Rachel complains. Monica sees her and calls her name. Rachel automatically shows of her ring. She runs up to hug Monica and they catch up, but it's awkward. She suggests they get together the next time she's in the city. She goes back into the bar after it's closed. Chandler is there. She tells him she wants him and starts kissing him. It's a fantasy. Her friends tell her she's missed their exit on the interstate.

Phoebe: secretly moves out of the apartment she shares with Monica. She doesn't want to hurt Monica by telling her she wasn't able to live with her. She secretly moves stuff out each time she visits. Monica has no idea she doesn't live there anymore. Ross attempts to convince her to tell Monica the truth, but Phoebe won't. Finally, Monica notices that Phoebe's room is nearly empty. Phoebe tells her that they wouldn't have been able to stay friends and live together. Phoebe couldn't take Monica's obsessive cleanliness. She's in the bar, drinking a beer when Ross comes in upset. They talk about Carol's lesbianism and friendly comfort turns into something else. They start making out, but don't follow through. Chandler, Joey, and Monica come in and the moment passes.

• Cute Naked Guy appears to be gaining some weight.

• Aw, look at Chandler and his goatee!!

Matthew Perry with facial hair just does not do it for me.

• The episode where everyone discusses "the quality" that makes Chandler seem gay, TOW: Nana Dies Twice, all the guys say they didn't think he was gay. Except in this episode, Joey does think he's gay.
  

• Ugh!! I hate Rachel's friends. Hate them.
  

What is with that chicks hair? It's so big, like a giant orange plant is sprouting from her skull.

• Mr. Heckles comes buy to complain about the noise.
  

• We learn how Monica got her apartment. Her grandma (I'm assuming not the one that died twice) moved to Florida and Monica got the apartment. She pretends to live with her grandma so the landlord won't find out and kick her out.
  

• I kinda love that Joey gets hit on enough to take an offer for lemonade as a come-on.

• The play a lot of pool in this episode, and every time I start writing 'pull.'
  

• Rachel pulls a Fonz!! During her fantasy she comes back in the bar and hits the jukebox to get it to start playing. It's pretty awesome.

• Central Perk used to be a bar.
  

• Monica's place looks so different!

There are tons, tons, of plants. And a lot of floral patterned stuff. I guess maybe it's all Phoebe's? I don't know. I don't like it, though. The couch is also in a different place. Oh, and the kitchen table is different.

Oh. My. God.

"Who of the six of you has slept with the six of you?"
"Wow, it's like a dirty math problem." -Janice and Phoebe.

"Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together." -Joey, answering Janice's question with a fantasy.

"Oh-ho and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!" -Chandler, about a guy he considered for a roommate.

"I answered the phone 'Chandler Bing,' he said 'Whoa-ho, short message'." - Chandler, commenting on Joey's phone mannerisms.

"Ross, foot on the floor or come over no more!" -Monica, scolding Ross for using the coffee table as a footrest.

"Oh, and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the gay thing."
"What gay thing?" -Joey and Chandler, during Joey's roommate interview.

"Oh yes, and that's what I want, a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one." -Chandler, to Monica about why he's not living with Joey.

"I mean, how hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?" -Rachel, criticizing the waitress at the bar.

"Excuse me, I seemed to have dropped my ball." -Chandler, wanting to get Rachel's attention so he can be her fling.

"Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life." -Monica, after seeing Rachel in the bar.

"So, what are they doing?"
"I don't know, something girlie." -Phoebe and Ross, discussing what Carol and Susan have planned.

"Okay, here's your penis!" -Monica, giving Joey lemonade and not realizing he'd undressed.

"Okay, this is what I'm talking about, this. I--I need to live in a land where people can spill!" -Phoebe, on why she can't live with Monica.

"What? I'm just sad."
"No you're not, you're wondering which cushion it is." -Monica and Phoebe, after Monica learns Phoebe spilled spaghetti on the couch.

"Wow! Look at them run!" -Chandler, watching Baywatch for the first time.

"Cause Carol's a lesbian. And--and I'm not one. And apparently it's not a mix and match situation." -Ross, telling Phoebe about Carol.

"Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?"
"Well, now I do!" -Phoebe and Ross, about Carol and Susan.

"No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?" -Chandler, hugging Monica and liking her towel.

"Stupid balls are in the way." -Ross, making out with Phoebe on the pool table.

"Oh, Ross, you're right, I don't know why I always thought this was real grass!" -Phoebe, about the pool table when Chandler, Joey, and Monica walk in.

"Hey, are you okay?"
"My wife's a lesbian."
"Cool!!" -Monica, Ross, and Joey.

TOW: the Lesbian Wedding

Ross: learns that Carol and Susan are getting married. They invite him to the wedding one day when they're picking Ben up. Ross decides not to go. The gang tries to convince him to change his mind, but he refuses. Ross tells them that it's not because Carol is a lesbian, but because she's marrying someone else. He points out that if she were marrying a man, the others wouldn't expect him to attend their wedding. The day before the wedding, Carol shows up at Monica and Rachel's. She says that she and Susan are probably calling off the wedding. Carol's parents aren't going to come and Carol and Susan get into a fight. Ross comforts Carol and says that she shouldn't call off the wedding just because her parents won't come. The wedding is back on. Ross walks Carol down the aisle. He and Susan dance together at the reception.

Monica: ends up catering Carol and Susan's wedding after their caterer is in a mountain biking accident. Monica is excited for the job and plans all the time. As the wedding day approaches, Monica starts freaking out because, though she spent a lot of time planning, she didn't leave enough time to actually prepare all the food. She enlists everyone to help and is really bossy and stressed. Ross won't help until Monica threatens him.

Joey: is in his first episode of Days of Our Lives. The gang all gets together (except Phoebe) to watch Joey's scenes. Joey explains how one of the actresses on the show taught him smell-the-fart acting, a technique to look intense while remembering your lines. He helps Monica cook. He's kind of miserable at the wedding, since there are lots of women there, but they're all lesbians.

Rachel: is excited because her mom is coming to visit her in the city for the first time. Mrs. Green (Marlo Thomas) comes into Central Perk and is so proud of Rachel having a job and making it on her own, but she doesn't seem to understand all the work Rachel puts into it. That night Rachel and Mrs. Green talk. Mrs. Green continues to go on and on about how great Rachel's life in the city is; she tells Rachel she's thinking of leaving Dr. Green and moving to the city. Rachel is astounded and wants to talk her mom out of it. Mrs. Green wants to experience new things, asking Rachel and Monica for weed and also about sex. Rachel is horrified, but more understanding when Mrs. Green explains that, unlike Rachel, she married her Barry. At the wedding, Mrs. Green dances with women and enjoys noticing that women find her attractive, glad to know of all the options.

Phoebe: has a client die during a massage. It really freaks her out, but worse than that, Phoebe believes she's been possessed by the woman, Mrs. Adelman. Phoebe talks as Mrs. Adelman and has to do stuff, like use the restroom, for Mrs. Adelman. She contacts Mrs. Adelman's husband to find out if Mrs. Adelman had any unfinished business. The husband (Phil Leeds) tells Phoebe his wife always wanted to see everything; he also tries to get Phoebe to sleep with him. Phoebe goes all around the city trying to show Mrs. Adelman everything. Mrs. Adelman finally leaves upon seeing Carol and Susan getting married. Phoebe gets hit-on at the reception.

Chandler: helps Monica with the cooking. He attempts hitting on a woman at the lesbian wedding, which goes about as well as you'd expect. Everyone thinks Chandler will be the last of the gang to get married.

• This is a good episode. Quite a lot of stuff happens.
  

• Monica, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Ross watch Joey's first scene in Days of Our Lives.

Joey Tribbiani's giving Stanislavski a run for his money. Method Acting? Bah!

• We meet Rachel's mom for the first time.
  

She's That Girl! Has anyone ever seen that show? Cause I sure haven't.

• There's a random mention of Soupy Sales from Mrs. Adelman possessed Phoebe. A long, long time ago, I had a copy of Nickelodeon magazine that was all about the early days of television and how technology had progressed--it was oddly riveting. Anyway, there was a blurb in the magazine about Soupy Sales, who had a kid's show in the fifties. Yay, for random, useless information!

• The lesbian wedding is pretty awesome. How many other sitcoms (or any show, for that matter) had gay weddings in 1996? And, even more astonishing, the fact that two women are getting married isn't a big deal! Ross is only sad because his ex-wife is re-marrying. He doesn't care that the person she's marrying is a woman. Kudos, Friends.

• Some notes on the wedding:

These hats defy all reason and logic. Susan looks like a hobo.

• I got all excited when I watched the episode earlier this morning because I thought one of the guests was wearing flannel. Sadly, upon further examination, she was not.

• I'm not into the possessed Phoebe thing. Just, eh. I mean, out of all the characters to be possessed, Phoebe's the obvious choice, but the storyline doesn't do much for me.

• Mrs. Green sees Ugly Naked Guy playing the cello.
  

Oh. My. God.

"As in, 'I now pronounce you wife and wife' married?" -Ross, learning about Carol and Susan's marriage plans.

"It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of Our Lives! And then I started thinkin' about all of you, and how these are the days of our lives..." -Joey, in a philosophical mood.

"Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast!"
"YES!" -Monica and Ross, Chandler, and Joey, as Monica is inappropriately excited.

"Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor!" -Chandler, teaching Ross to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

"For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something." -Chandler, watching Joey put smell-the-fart acting to good use.

"That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get." -Chandler, after Phoebe's massage client dies.

"Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called 'Silence of the Ducks'." -Chandler, helping Monica decide whether to serve lamb or chicken.

"Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten." -Mrs. Green, greeting Monica.

"All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts."
"Oh God. I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them." -Monica and Rachel, after Rachel learns her mom is considering leaving her dad.

"Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?" -Rachel, not being flattered that her mom wants to be more like her. Also, during the height of 'the Rachel' haircut phenom.

"Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet!" -Chandler, upon seeing Mr. Adelman.

"Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles." -Chandler, helping Monica cook for the wedding.

"It just seems so futile, you know? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly."
"Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding." -Joey and Chandler, lamenting their lack of straight women.

TOW: the Breast Milk

Ross: keeps Ben for awhile. Carol and Susan drop Ben off and Ross has to talk to Chandler and Joey about not being freaked out by Carol breastfeeding. He's really excited when he learns that Julie and Monica are going shopping together; he likes that Monica's trying to get along with his girlfriend. Ross is weirded out when Phoebe tests the breast milk. It only gets worse when Joey drinks it, too. They try to convince him it's fine, but Ross is too grossed out. Carol and Susan come over to pick up Ben and Phoebe tells them about Ross's breast milk issues. Susan admits that she's tried it. Ross, in his endless quest to one-up Susan, dribbles the milk on his forearm, but can't bring himself to drink it. The end of the episode has Ross, Joey, and Chandler sitting around Monica's kitchen table with a baby bottle full of breast milk and a plate of Oreos. Ross chugs the milk and stuffs a couple Oreos in his mouth.

Monica: buys Ben adorable little baby Nike's. At Central Perk, Julie asks the group if anyone wants to go to Bloomingdale's with her, to take advantage of a friend's employee discount. Monica agrees. Joey and Chandler point out that going to Bloomingdale's with Julie is a huge betrayal of Rachel. Before Monica can back out of her plans with Julie, Ross tells her how excited he is that she's going out with Julie. Monica comes to Central Perk after her shopping trip, telling Phoebe to say they went shopping together and had lunch. Phoebe lies really badly, but Monica's able to keep her trip with Julie secret. That night, Julie calls the apartment and makes plans with Monica. The next day, Monica comes home from a lunch outing, she wore Rachel's jacket and tells Rachel she was by herself. Rachel finds the lunch receipt in her jacket pocket and Monica comes clean about Julie. She calls Central Perk, trying to talk to Rachel. The other Central Perk employees take Rachel's side. Monica goes into the coffee shop and apologizes. They cry and hug, making up.

Rachel: still doesn't like Julie, even though Julie is really nice to everyone. She knows something is weird with Monica, but doesn't know what. After Monica's lunch outing, Rachel finds a $53 receipt in her jacket pocket. She asks Monica why it was such an expensive bill for one person. Rachel learns that Monica's been hanging out with Julie. As Monica confesses, she becomes like an unfaithful spouse. Rachel is upset, but copes until she learns that Monica went to Bloomingdale's with Julie. Rachel storms out. She refuses to talk to Monica until Monica comes into Central Perk. Rachel tells Monica that she's upset because Julie already has Ross and now she's taking Monica, too. Monica tells Rachel that Julie's not taking her, but that Rachel should really give Julie a chance. They make up. Rachel sits down with Julie at the coffee shop. Julie tells her that she's always been intimidated by her and got the feeling Rachel didn't like her much. Rachel confesses that she was a little wary of Julie, but that she realizes that Julie is a really nice person and she makes Ross happy. When Julie leaves, Rachel still doesn't like her.

Phoebe: lies to Rachel for Monica about going shopping. She tastes Carol's breast milk with little thought, freaking out Ross, Rachel and Chandler. She tells Carol and Susan about Ross's problem with trying the breast milk.

Joey: works at Macy's (I think) as a cologne sample spritzer. He's the best at the store until a new guy, dressed as a cowboy, shows up. Annabell (Emily Procter), a co-worker, tells Joey that the girls are calling the new guy the, 'Hombre Man.' The Hombre Man (Joel Beeson) is better at the spritzing than Joey and the Hombre Man gets a date with Annabell. Joey walks into his apartment dressed as a cowboy, the Hombre man is so good that Joey's now spritzing that cologne. He talks to Chandler about his competition with the Hombre Man. Chandler convinces Joey to not give up, but put up a fight against the Hombre Man. The next morning, Joey and the Hombre Man face off as the store opens. Joey's cologne bottle gets jammed, but the Hombre Man spritzes an old guy in the face. Annabell comes to see what's happened. She and Joey walk off into the (proverbial) sunset together. Oh, he's also uncomfortable seeing Carol breastfeed, but he has no problem drinking the breast milk later on in the episode.

Chandler: is weird about seeing Carol breastfeed. He's disgusted about all the drinking of the breast milk. He talks to cowboy Joey about his perfume spritzing issues. Chandler tells Joey that they'll always be some sort of competition, no matter the job, and that he shouldn't give up.

• I'm bothered by Monica and Rachel. I realize this wouldn't be much of an episode unless Monica acted the way she does, but lying always makes things thousands of times worse. Rachel would've still been mad, of course, but to me it's the sneaking around that's bad. I think if Monica was honest about it, Rachel would've been upset, but gotten over it much quicker. And, jeez, if you're going to lie, at least make an effort at lying well.
  

• The Hombre Man's voice is like Christian Bale's Batman voice.
  

I'm not sure I'm a fan. Rocking that cologne holster, though.

• Emily Procter is currently Calleigh Duquesne on "CSI: Miami', but she was also Ainsley Hayes on "The West Wing".

This is only notable in the way that Ainsley is one of my favorite characters on that show. The first time she meets President Bartlet she's wearing a bath robe and singing "Blame it on the Bossa Nova." Awesome.

• I'm not vomit inducingly grossed out by people testing the breast milk. The whole thing where all the guys drink from a glass of fat thinking it's cider is disgusting, but not this.

Actually, I change my mind. Eating Oreos with breast milk is highly unappetizing.

• I'm quite fond of the moment when Joey comes into the apartment in his cowboy costume and Chandler's like an old west bartender guy.
  

"Gimme a box of juice." John Wayne couldn't have said it better himself.

Oh. My. God.

"You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back." -Chandler, being uncomfortable about Carol breastfeeding.

"We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?" -Chandler, running away from the breastfeeding.

"Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?" -Joey, asking Carol about breastfeeding.

"Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship." -Chandler, warning Monica about shopping betrayal.

"Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs."
"You bought boobs?" -Phoebe and Rachel, having a misunderstanding as Phoebe tries to lie for Monica.

"Did you just say, 'Hi Jew'?" -Rachel, to Monica who is pretending she isn't talking to Julie.

"Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person." -Rachel, after Phoebe tastes the breast milk.

"Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?"
"Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it." -Phoebe and Ross, arguing over the breast milk.

"Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike." -Chandler, discussing the tasting of the breast milk.

"These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin." -Joey, after the Hombre Man gets in trouble.

"What a manipulative bitch." -Rachel, after having a talk with Julie.

TOW: the Birth

Carol's having the baby!!

Ross: is a mixture of totally excited and absolutely freaked the hell out. When he, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica get to the hospital, Carol and Susan haven't arrived yet. Ross panics, worrying that the baby's being born in a cab. Carol and Susan arrive and there's already tension building between Susan and Ross. They go into the delivery room together and Ross and Susan begin bitching at one another. Susan mentions that they're naming the baby, "Jordie," but Ross didn't know about the name change. Ross and Susan argue over the name until Carol kicks them out. Ross and Susan get in a screaming fight in the hall until Phoebe finds them and drags them into a supply closet. Ross, Susan, and Phoebe get locked in. Susan and Ross keep fighting. They can't get anyone to let them out and finally Phoebe puts on coverall's, embroidered with the name "Ben," and they shove her into a vent. A janitor opens the door and Ross and Susan leave Phoebe hanging from the vent. They arrive just in time to watch the birth. After the baby's born, Ross, Susan, and Carol discuss names; Ross and Susan agree on Ben.

Phoebe: is the last of the group to arrive at the hospital. She brings her guitar. In the waiting room, she sings a little song about kids growing up to resent their parents. Ross pays her to stop singing. She comes upon Ross and Susan fighting in the hall and drags them into a supply closet to give them a talking to. They end up locked in. After listening to Susan and Ross argue for however long they're in the closet, Phoebe tells them that she's jealous because she wished her parents had cared enough about her to fight over her. Phoebe puts on some coverall's and climbs into the vent, only to be left hanging when a janitor opens the door. She watches from the ceiling as the baby is born.

Joey: says that if he ever has a kid, he'll be sitting in the waiting room, handing out cigars while his wife gives birth. He ends up getting into a conversation about who's better, the Knicks or the Celtics, with a pregnant girl, Lydia (Leah Remini). Lydia starts having a contraction and Joey looks for the father, but Lydia tells him there isn't one. Joey ends up with Lydia in the delivery room. Lydia talks to her mom on the phone, saying that she won't call the father. Joey asks where the father is and Lydia snaps at him. Joey tries to leave, but can't. He coach's Lydia as she gives birth. After her baby is born, Joey leaves and goes to the gift shop. When he comes back he sees Lydia talking to the father. He leaves a bunch of balloons tied on the doorknob and goes to Carol's room. He knows a lot about giving birth and freaks Chandler out.

Rachel: has the hots for Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau (Jonathan Silverman). She leaves the hospital and changes into a dress to impress him. When Ross and Susan are missing, she stays with Carol to flirt with Dr. Franzblau. She thinks things are going really well, but Franzblau says he doesn't date a lot because, by the end of the day, he's tired of, uh, lady parts, and it interferes with his dating.

Monica: really, really, really wants a baby and is jealous of all the people with babies. She talks to her mom who says that Ross's baby might be the only chance of being a grandmother she'll get. Monica's so happy to be an aunt.

Chandler: tries to comfort Monica. He tells her that if they aren't married by forty, they'll just marry each other. Monica wants to know what's wrong with her that she won't be married at that age. Mostly he just makes jokes. It's what Chandler's good at.

• Susan and Carol stop in the gift shop and Susan gets a 'Chunky.' I've never heard of such a thing in my life. I had to Wikipedia it. Apparently, it has raisins in it. Ick.
  

• Dr. Franzblau looks like a young Judd Nelson.

Franzblau


Nelson.
I think the similarities might all be in my head. Also, 'The Breakfast Club" is, like, one of the best movies of all time.

• Rachel's new outfit

I wouldn't want to sit around in a dress waiting for someone to give birth. No cute doctor is worth that misery.

• Leah Remini is so freaking little in this!

By 'little,' I mean young.
Joey's such a great guy.

• I think Jordie is a horrible name for a little boy.
  

• June Gable, the woman who plays Estelle, plays the nurse in this episode.
  

• I am not a maternally bent sort of girl. I believe heavily in the 'no babies ever' policy. Seriously, I'm about as maternal as Scarlett O'Hara. Nor am I a weepie sort of girl (not counting hormones or exhaustion), but this episode makes my eye area moisten a wee bit.

• I love Ross's little speech to the baby about going away sometimes, but always coming right back.
  

This looming thing freaks me the eff out. It's really funny for about a second and then I want it to stop. Just looking at this picture makes my spine tingle uncomfortably.

Oh.My.God

"Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the fifties." -Chandler, after Joey talks about handing out cigars in the waiting room.

"Let's get some coffee."
"Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that." -Monica and Chandler, in the waiting room.

"Shoot!...Or just fall down. That's good, too." -Joey, watching a basketball game.

"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!" -Chandler, after upsetting Monica about not being married when she's forty.

"Who the hell is Jordie?" -Ross, not realizing Carol and Susan changed their favorite baby name.

"Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along." -Susan, fighting with Ross.

"What're you gonna do? Suck the door open?" -Susan, after Ross grabs a vacuum in the supply closet.

"Oh, just had a baby." -Joey, telling Chandler where he's been.

"You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no...Lesbian Lover Day!"
"Every day is Lesbian Lover Day!" -Susan and Ross.

"Kinda like my Uncle Ed, covered in Jello." -Ross, telling Carol what the baby looks like.

"Susan, he looks just like you!" -Phoebe.

"I know. I still am one of these." -Chandler, about Ross having a baby.

TOW: Two Parts, Part 1

Chandler: has to fire someone because the WENUS is out of whack. That someone is Nina (Jennifer Grant) the Bookbinder, whom Chandler has a crush on. Due to the crush, Chandler doesn't fire her, but asks her on a date. He never mentions that she's been fired. Things work out fine until Chandler's boss walks in on him and Nina in Chandler's office. The boss asks Chandler why Nina is still there and Chandler tells him that Nina has a psychiatric problem and does not remember being fired in the first place. Chandler says he wants to wait to fire her again until she's more stable. Nina comes to ask Chandler why people keep taking her scissors. His lies unravel and Nina learns the truth. She attacks his hand with a stapler.

Ross: has discipline problems with Marcel. He goes to Lamaze classes with Carol and Susan. There's awkwardness with trying to explain relationships, Susan and Ross fight a little. Carol can't make it to the class one day and Susan and Ross must do the lesson themselves. After watching a birthing video, Carol decides she doesn't want to go through with the birth. In comforting her, Susan mentions they're going to be parents and it finally hits Ross he's going to be a father. Ross is worried he won't be any good at it because he's not very good with Marcel.

Joey: eats at Riff's with Chandler, where they meet Phoebe's twin sister, Ursula. Joey is attracted to Ursula and goes back to Riff's to see her. Ursula and Joey start dating; Joey really likes Ursula. Phoebe is concerned about his relationship with Ursula, but Joey doesn't really pay attention to Phoebe's worries. Joey and Ursula have sex at the end of the episode.

Phoebe: tells Joey that she doesn't mind if he dates Ursula, but it's clear that she does. At Central Perk she's mistaken for Ursula by some Riff's patrons (Helen Hunt and Leila Kenzle...I think, from 'Mad About You'). Joey buys a birthday sweater for Ursula and asks Phoebe to try it on. Phoebe tells Joey she's not happy about him dating Ursula. Joey likes Ursula so much by this point, he disregards Phoebe's feelings. Phoebe asks if Joey and Ursula have had sex, but they hadn't yet. At Monica's, they flip the t.v. to a show with sisters and Phoebe asks them to turn it off. They all (except Joey) talk about Phoebe's feelings. It comes out that she's afraid Ursula will break Joey's heart, ruining Phoebe's friendship with Joey. The gang tells her to tell Joey what she just told them. She goes across the hall and Ursula answers the door, wearing nothing but a button-down shirt.

Rachel and Monica: are sorta fighting because Rachel hasn't taken the Christmas lights off the balcony yet. At the end of the episode, Rachel goes out to take the lights down and falls off the balcony. Her leg gets wrapped in the string of lights, keeping her from reaching the ground.

• This is a crossover episode with 'Mad About You.' Sort of. Lisa Kudrow played Ursula on 'Mad About You' before being cast as Phoebe. It's a good way to join the two shows, though, since Lisa Kudrow continued appearing on 'Mad About You.' I never watched 'Mad About You,' so I'm not really an authority on things that happened on that show.
• I can't find a picture of this, but Monica's hair is very Tracy Turnblad at the beginning of this episode. I kinda wish this was a fat-Monica episode; it'd be perfect.
  

• So, the Christmas lights aren't there in TOW: the Stoned Guy.

• Susan looks like she just walked out of the Salem Witch Trials.
  

• Monica knits and Chandler and Rachel hold her yarn. I'm pretty sure this is the only time Monica knits, ever. It's pretty sad that Chandler and Rachel have time to sit around and hold Monica's yarn.
  

• Chandler meets Leatherstocking. James Fenimore Cooper would be proud.
  

• I don't really think that stapling someone's hand is the way to go about defending your sanity.
  

• I'm not overly impressed by part 1. It's a bit...lackluster. It's moderately funny and some stuff happens, but I really don't see why this had to be a two-parter. Not much happens with Ross at Lamaze class until they see the birthing video; a lot of Ross's stuff could've been cut, I think.

• Sometimes Nina's last name is listed as "Bookbinder" but other times she's listed as"Nina the Bookbinder." I don't know.
  

• The 'S' in the WENUS acronym changes meaning! Instead of 'Systems' it's 'Statistics.' I guess the writers realized 'Systems' didn't make much sense.
  

Oh. My. God.

"This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now." -Chandler, waiting to be served at Riff's.

"I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control." -Ross, complaining about Marcel.

"You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore." -Chandler, after discussing the physical differences between Ursula and Phoebe with Joey.

"So, twins. Huh, that's like two births. Ouch." -Ross, deflecting attention from himself, Carol, and Susan at Lamaze class.

"Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack."
"Your--Excuse me?"
"WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics."
"Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS." -Chandler and Nina, talking about the WENUS.

"It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies." -Mr. Douglas, Chandler's boss on the Annual Net Usage Statistics.

"Y'know, once your inside, you don't have to knock anymore." -Chandler, responding to a knock on the door after Joey comes in.

"Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of 'capade." -Chandler, learning that Joey is taking Ursula to the Ice-Capades.

"Knit, good woman! Knit, Knit!" -Chandler to Monica, as Phoebe and Joey argue.

"What do you know? No one's come up to you and said, 'Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it'?!?!" -Carol, after seeing the birthing video. Also, why I will never have children.

"Y'know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different." -Chandler, as Ross compares Marcel to his unborn son.



Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow!!!

TOW: the Candy Hearts

Valentine's Day!!!

Ross-hangs out in Central Perk with Chandler and Joey on Valentine's Day Eve. While there, he sees an attractive woman that lives in his building, Kristen. He borrowed an egg from her once and Joey suggests that he give her an egg back as a conversation starter. Ross gets a date for Valentine's Day. He and Kristen go to a sushi restaurant for dinner. They have a pretty awkward date, which only gets worse when Carol and Susan come in. Susan is called away for her job and Ross feels bad for Carol. He invites Carol to eat with him and Kristen. Kristen ends up leaving. Ross talks to Carol about getting back together because they were so good together. Carol says no, telling Ross he just needs to find a woman who likes men.

Chandler- gets roped into going on a double date with Joey on Valentine's Day Eve. Chandler's date turns out to be Janice. Joey ducks out early with his date, leaving his credit card with Chandler and Janice. Chandler takes advantage of the card, buying lots of alcohol for he and Janice. The next morning Chandler wakes to find Janice in bed with him. She thinks they're back together. Chandler is forced to break up with her on Valentine's Day. She's also brought him special candy hearts that say "Chan and Jan 4ever." Janice tells him the breakup is okay, because she knows he loves her.

Monica, Phoebe, Rachel- don't have dates for Valentine's Day. Instead, they decide to do a cleansing ritual to break the bad boyfriend cycle. They burn their ex's stuff. Rachel pours Paolo's grappa into their small fire and it gets out of control. They call the fire department and are embarrassed when the firemen know they were burning their ex-boyfriends things. They flirt with the firemen and ask them out. The firemen agree and the girls think the ritual worked. As the firemen leave the audience learns they're married.

Joey- finally gets a date with Lorraine, a girl he's been after for awhile. The only catch is, Joey has to bring someone along for Lorraine's needy friend. Joey gets Chandler to come with him and the friend turns out to be Janice. During dinner, Lorraine is all over Joey and they leave early due to the promise of slathering. Chandler is mad at being left with Janice, especially after they end up sleeping together. Joey stays with Chandler as he breaks up with Janice.

• I really like the egg thing. It's pretty sweet, I think.

• Look at all of Janice's gold jewelry!!!

Cash 4 Gold was created with her in mind.

• I didn't know Joey had a credit card! I thought Chandler always paid for everything. He'll probably end up paying for all the charges anyway, so what's the point of pretending?

• As Janice is leaving Chandler and Joey's, Monica sees her. Monica has Rachel come out and see, Joey comes home, and Monica calls Ross. What about Phoebe? She really is the last to know.

Hehehehe, I love this picture. And Rachel's pj's.

• I think Ross's thing about how much a dog ages on a cross-continental flight is witty. I'm a nerd.
  

• Susan is some kind of photographer, or maybe, like, an ad. executive, or something. I didn't realize they had emergencies that required pagers and needing to be at the studio at a moments notice.
  

• Carol is admirably sweet with Ross. I like that they're able to have a conversation about getting back together, as unrealistic as that is, without fighting or being mean.

I've always wondered if the mushroom-on-forehead thing was an accident.

• The one firefighter has, like, Rod Blagojevich hair. It's weird.
  

Oh. My. God.

"She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend."
"Think it'll work.?"
"No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg." -Chandler and Joey, about Ross's egg.

"But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do." -Monica, telling Phoebe she shouldn't go out with Roger on Valentine's Day.

"Can you stop yelling'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous." -Joey, in the men's room with Chandler, being scolded about Janice.

"Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks." -Phoebe, discussing what a cleansing ritual entails.

"She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely wanna be a part of it." -Joey, bailing on Chandler.

"The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her...close personal friend." -Ross, explaining to his date who Carol and Susan are.

"Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man."
"Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place." -Phoebe and Rachel, during the cleansing ritual.

"And, Kristin--Kristin--does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!" -Ross trying to introduce his date to Carol.

"You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Jan-ICE, Jan-ICE. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it." -Janice, saying good-bye.

TOW: Underdog Gets Away

Rachel: is supposed to go to Vail with her family for Thanksgiving, only this year she's supposed to pay for her own ticket. She asks her boss for an advance and customers for advances on tips, but still doesn't have enough money. When she gets home from work, Monica gives her an envelope with the money for the ticket, everyone chipped in $20. When Underdog gets away and they get locked out of the apartment, Rachel misses her flight.

Ross: finds out from Monica that their parents are spending Thanksgiving in Puerto Rico. He's really upset and Monica agrees to make Thanksgiving dinner. Ross wants it exactly like their mom makes and is critical of Monica's cooking. Ross goes to Carol and Susan's because he let Carol borrow a skull and needs it back. Susan tells him that she's been reading to the baby. Ross thinks that's weird, but wants to try because Susan does it. He sings 'Hey, Hey, We're the Monkee's' to the baby and it kicks for the first time. He and Monica get in a fight when he finds Thanksgiving dinner burnt.

Joey: comes in to Central Perk wearing make-up. He tells the gang that he's now a model-slash-actor. He just came from a photo shoot for the NYC Free Clinic to be on a poster. Joey's in a subway station when he runs into a woman he used to work with at Macy's. She agrees to get a drink with him, but then quickly backs out. Joey turns around and see's his picture on a poster for VD. His family un-invites him to Thanksgiving because they think he has VD. He's going to have Thanksgiving at Monica's and wants tater-tots like his mom makes.

Phoebe- isn't celebrating Thanksgiving with her grandmother until December. She asks Monica to make mashed potatoes with onions and peas like her mom used to make before she killed herself.

Monica- agrees to make Thanksgiving dinner for everyone and in the special way they request. She gets really stressed, though, because Ross is giving her a hard time and people keep requesting different things. She's reluctant to leave when Underdog escapes, but relents only to find herself locked out. Dinner is ruined and Monica freaks out because it was her first Thanksgiving dinner and she was trying really hard. Everyone fights because they're disappointed about the meal.

Chandler-doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving because it's when his parents told him they were getting divorced. Monica brings him stuff for grilled cheese, tomato soup, and Funyuns. When the Underdog balloon escapes, he tells everyone at Monica's and they all go up on the roof to watch. After they get locked out and Thanksgiving dinner is ruined, he shares his grilled cheese and is glad that everyone is spending the day together.

• Rachel's boss, Terry, has the most irritating voice on the planet. He also reminds me of some sort of...varmint...like a weasel or a ferret.
• If I were Monica, I'd, like, puncture Ross with a meat thermometer, or something. He's so mean about wanting the food a particular way and Monica tries so hard.
  

• I feel pretty bad for Joey this episode.
  
• 

I mean, that's pretty humiliating. Especially since this poster is everywhere. Even in Times Square. It's also really unrealistic. I mean it is literally in every single place Joey goes. There are hundreds of copies of this poster and only this poster.

• After dinner is ruined, the gang watches Ugly Naked Guy take his turkey out of the oven. They see that U.N.G. has an Ugly Naked Gal and it makes them feel better. Awww.

• Rachel is one of my favorite characters, but seriously, the "shooping" gets really old after, like, the very first time.
  

• Joey and his tots remind me of 'Napoleon Dynamite.' Every time Joey says, 'tot,' I immediately think, 'Napoleon, give me some your tots!'

• Oh! This is the first episode where we hear about the 'Friends' head-in-Thanksgiving-Turkey thing.
  

Oh. My. God.

"That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman." -Chandler, after Joey comes into Central Perk wearing make-up.

"And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays?"
"Yes, every single one of them." -Monica and Chandler, making Thanksgiving plans.

"Ooh, ohh, because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner." -Ross, after Phoebe suggests inviting Carol to Thanksgiving.

"Kinda like a big face without skin." -Ross, responding to Susan asking what the skull looks like.

"Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian."
"Well, y'know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it." -Ross and Susan.

"I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head." -Chandler, after Phoebe tells Ross to put his head in the turkey to simulate what a baby in a womb can hear.

"Oh, you must stop shooping." -Chandler, sick of hearing Rachel's skiing noise.

"But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a TOT!" -Joey, expressing his desire for Thanksgiving tater-tots.

"The balloon?"
"No, no, the actual cartoon character." -Joey and Chandler, after Chandler announces that Underdog escaped.

"Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts." -Ross, singing to the baby to the tune of 'Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees'.