TOW: Phoebe's Husband

Phoebe: is married to a gay, ice dancer, named Duncan (Steve Zahn). Duncan comes into town, wanting to meet up with Phoebe. Phoebe was in love with Duncan, even though she knew he was gay. They got married because Duncan, who's Canadian, needed a green card. Phoebe visits Duncan after his show, he's in the Ice Capades, and Duncan asks for a divorce. Duncan has recently realized he's straight and has fallen in love with a woman. Phoebe is horrified, especially since she was in love with him. She asks if they'd be together if he'd realized he was straight when she was around, but decides she doesn't want an answer. She signs the divorce papers, they kiss, and she goes on her way, but not before asking about Duncan's definitely straight brother.

Rachel: talks to her mom on the phone. Her mom is worried about crime in the city, but Rachel assures her she's okay. During the conversation, a pigeon flies into the open kitchen window, freaking Rachel out. She catches the pigeon in a pot, but lets it go again when Duncan comes by for Phoebe and says he's Phoebe's husband. Rachel is anguishing over Ross and Julie, despite being encouraged by Monica to get over him. She attempts to stop Ross from having sex with Julie for the first time. First, she tells him that girls like not having sex better, that waiting is sexy. Then, after Ross decides to go through with it, she tries to keep the gang at Ross's apartment for as long as possible. She hopes that by the time they leave, Ross and Julie will be too tired for sex. Her plan doesn't work. She tries to psych Ross out and it works until he says he's really happy. Rachel encourages him to go for it, while simultaneously attempting to seduce him. It doesn't work.

Ross: asks Rachel how long she'd been in a relationship before having sex. It comes out that Ross hasn't had sex with Julie yet. He's sort of afraid to have sex with her because of the whole, 'Carol being a lesbian' thing. He considers Rachel's position, that women like waiting, but decides to go with Joey's advice, which is to get over it and have sex with Julie. He and Julie make dinner for Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler. They all stay up really late while Rachel interrogates Julie about herself, starting with her childhood. Despite the late hour, Ross tells Rachel he's still going through with it. Rachel describes the way she'd want Ross to approach her if they were about to have sex. Rachel and Ross get really close, seeming to have a moment, but when Rachel finishes speaking, Ross hurries into his apartment to be with Julie. The next morning, Ross struts down the street to 'Singin' in the Rain.'

Monica: gets upset when she hears that Phoebe married Duncan. She knew that Phoebe was in love with him and that he was gay. She's also upset that Phoebe never told her about the marriage because she tells Phoebe everything. During this who-tells-who-everything argument, it's revealed that Monica's underwear are hanging from the light post by the apartment building. This resulted from Monica having sex with Fun Bobby on the balcony. The only person Monica told that story was Chandler, but he told Phoebe. To get back at Chandler, Monica tells the group that Chandler has a third nipple. She thinks Rachel needs to get over Ross.

Chandler: has a third nipple! He calls it his nubbin. He'd only told Monica and Joey about the existence of the nubbin. Everyone else want to see it and they tease him. To take the attention off himself, he tells that Joey was in a porn. It doesn't work, they all just want to know about his third nipple. He brings Joey's porn to the dinner at Ross and Julie's. He gets roped into staying and listening to Rachel interrogate Julie.

Joey: did a porn. He was the lead, but got cold feet. They let him be a repairman who comes in to fix a copy machine, but can't because people are having sex on it. He doesn't mind that Chandler rents it and they watch it.

• Rachel and the pigeon make me giggle.
  

It's so great that the newspaper was already nicely laid out on the table.

• Phoebe having a secret husband is totally plausible. She's the only one who is mysterious and off-beat enough. You hear Phoebe's married to a gay, ice dancer-- it makes sense.

Is it just me, or is there nothing better than Steve Zahn dressed as a sparkly matador? I'm a wee bit concerned about Phoebe's Stepfordian look, but am also quite a fan of that dress.

• I'm never really sure how to spell Ice Capade. It seems like one word, like 'icecapade,' or maybe a hyphenate, 'ice-capade'. What's also remarkable is how many times the Ice Capades have been mentioned so far in the series.
  

• I think it's absolutely hilarious that Duncan was peer-pressured into gayness. The idea of a closeted straight man just cracks me up because it's always the other way around.It's nice to see the gay husband thing turned on its head.

• I'm sorta confused why Carol being a lesbian makes Ross nervous about having sex with Julie...Is it because he thinks he'll make Julie a lesbian? Or does he just not want to make himself vulnerable to getting hurt? The latter I understand, but the former...not so much.
  

• I've seen this season several times, but seriously,

KISS ALREADY!

• I can't get 'Singin' in the Rain' out of my head. Thanks, Ross.

Oh. My. God.


"Hey, how--how did you do that?" -Duncan, after Rachel let's the pigeon out of the pot.

"You bitch." -Chandler, to Monica after she tells about his third nipple.

"Oh as--as opposed to your other mutli-functional nipples?" -Rachel, about Chandler's nubbin.

"So, what's it shaped like?"
"Yeah, is there a hair on it?"
"What happens if you flick it?" -Ross, Phoebe, and Joey, about the nubbin.

"Why yes, Ross. Pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia." -Chandler.

"The Ice Capades?"
"No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast, but when Snoopy falls...funny."
-Joey and Chandler, learning that Duncan is in the Ice Capades.

"Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright." -Chandler, walking in on Julie and Ross kissing.

"Looks to me like he's the one getting the job." -Ross, watching Joey's porn.

"You know, that's bad for the paper tray." -Joey's line in the porn.

TOW: the Breast Milk

Ross: keeps Ben for awhile. Carol and Susan drop Ben off and Ross has to talk to Chandler and Joey about not being freaked out by Carol breastfeeding. He's really excited when he learns that Julie and Monica are going shopping together; he likes that Monica's trying to get along with his girlfriend. Ross is weirded out when Phoebe tests the breast milk. It only gets worse when Joey drinks it, too. They try to convince him it's fine, but Ross is too grossed out. Carol and Susan come over to pick up Ben and Phoebe tells them about Ross's breast milk issues. Susan admits that she's tried it. Ross, in his endless quest to one-up Susan, dribbles the milk on his forearm, but can't bring himself to drink it. The end of the episode has Ross, Joey, and Chandler sitting around Monica's kitchen table with a baby bottle full of breast milk and a plate of Oreos. Ross chugs the milk and stuffs a couple Oreos in his mouth.

Monica: buys Ben adorable little baby Nike's. At Central Perk, Julie asks the group if anyone wants to go to Bloomingdale's with her, to take advantage of a friend's employee discount. Monica agrees. Joey and Chandler point out that going to Bloomingdale's with Julie is a huge betrayal of Rachel. Before Monica can back out of her plans with Julie, Ross tells her how excited he is that she's going out with Julie. Monica comes to Central Perk after her shopping trip, telling Phoebe to say they went shopping together and had lunch. Phoebe lies really badly, but Monica's able to keep her trip with Julie secret. That night, Julie calls the apartment and makes plans with Monica. The next day, Monica comes home from a lunch outing, she wore Rachel's jacket and tells Rachel she was by herself. Rachel finds the lunch receipt in her jacket pocket and Monica comes clean about Julie. She calls Central Perk, trying to talk to Rachel. The other Central Perk employees take Rachel's side. Monica goes into the coffee shop and apologizes. They cry and hug, making up.

Rachel: still doesn't like Julie, even though Julie is really nice to everyone. She knows something is weird with Monica, but doesn't know what. After Monica's lunch outing, Rachel finds a $53 receipt in her jacket pocket. She asks Monica why it was such an expensive bill for one person. Rachel learns that Monica's been hanging out with Julie. As Monica confesses, she becomes like an unfaithful spouse. Rachel is upset, but copes until she learns that Monica went to Bloomingdale's with Julie. Rachel storms out. She refuses to talk to Monica until Monica comes into Central Perk. Rachel tells Monica that she's upset because Julie already has Ross and now she's taking Monica, too. Monica tells Rachel that Julie's not taking her, but that Rachel should really give Julie a chance. They make up. Rachel sits down with Julie at the coffee shop. Julie tells her that she's always been intimidated by her and got the feeling Rachel didn't like her much. Rachel confesses that she was a little wary of Julie, but that she realizes that Julie is a really nice person and she makes Ross happy. When Julie leaves, Rachel still doesn't like her.

Phoebe: lies to Rachel for Monica about going shopping. She tastes Carol's breast milk with little thought, freaking out Ross, Rachel and Chandler. She tells Carol and Susan about Ross's problem with trying the breast milk.

Joey: works at Macy's (I think) as a cologne sample spritzer. He's the best at the store until a new guy, dressed as a cowboy, shows up. Annabell (Emily Procter), a co-worker, tells Joey that the girls are calling the new guy the, 'Hombre Man.' The Hombre Man (Joel Beeson) is better at the spritzing than Joey and the Hombre Man gets a date with Annabell. Joey walks into his apartment dressed as a cowboy, the Hombre man is so good that Joey's now spritzing that cologne. He talks to Chandler about his competition with the Hombre Man. Chandler convinces Joey to not give up, but put up a fight against the Hombre Man. The next morning, Joey and the Hombre Man face off as the store opens. Joey's cologne bottle gets jammed, but the Hombre Man spritzes an old guy in the face. Annabell comes to see what's happened. She and Joey walk off into the (proverbial) sunset together. Oh, he's also uncomfortable seeing Carol breastfeed, but he has no problem drinking the breast milk later on in the episode.

Chandler: is weird about seeing Carol breastfeed. He's disgusted about all the drinking of the breast milk. He talks to cowboy Joey about his perfume spritzing issues. Chandler tells Joey that they'll always be some sort of competition, no matter the job, and that he shouldn't give up.

• I'm bothered by Monica and Rachel. I realize this wouldn't be much of an episode unless Monica acted the way she does, but lying always makes things thousands of times worse. Rachel would've still been mad, of course, but to me it's the sneaking around that's bad. I think if Monica was honest about it, Rachel would've been upset, but gotten over it much quicker. And, jeez, if you're going to lie, at least make an effort at lying well.
  

• The Hombre Man's voice is like Christian Bale's Batman voice.
  

I'm not sure I'm a fan. Rocking that cologne holster, though.

• Emily Procter is currently Calleigh Duquesne on "CSI: Miami', but she was also Ainsley Hayes on "The West Wing".

This is only notable in the way that Ainsley is one of my favorite characters on that show. The first time she meets President Bartlet she's wearing a bath robe and singing "Blame it on the Bossa Nova." Awesome.

• I'm not vomit inducingly grossed out by people testing the breast milk. The whole thing where all the guys drink from a glass of fat thinking it's cider is disgusting, but not this.

Actually, I change my mind. Eating Oreos with breast milk is highly unappetizing.

• I'm quite fond of the moment when Joey comes into the apartment in his cowboy costume and Chandler's like an old west bartender guy.
  

"Gimme a box of juice." John Wayne couldn't have said it better himself.

Oh. My. God.

"You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back." -Chandler, being uncomfortable about Carol breastfeeding.

"We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?" -Chandler, running away from the breastfeeding.

"Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?" -Joey, asking Carol about breastfeeding.

"Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship." -Chandler, warning Monica about shopping betrayal.

"Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs."
"You bought boobs?" -Phoebe and Rachel, having a misunderstanding as Phoebe tries to lie for Monica.

"Did you just say, 'Hi Jew'?" -Rachel, to Monica who is pretending she isn't talking to Julie.

"Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person." -Rachel, after Phoebe tastes the breast milk.

"Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?"
"Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it." -Phoebe and Ross, arguing over the breast milk.

"Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike." -Chandler, discussing the tasting of the breast milk.

"These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin." -Joey, after the Hombre Man gets in trouble.

"What a manipulative bitch." -Rachel, after having a talk with Julie.

TOW: Ross's New Girlfriend

Rachel: is still waiting for Ross to get off the plane at the airport. She sees Ross with his arms around Julie and runs away before Ross sees her. She can't get by all the people and when she tries to go over the seats, she trips and hits her head. Ross witnesses the fall. Rachel is freaking out and weird with Julie, talking as though Julie can't understand English. Rachel comes running into the apartment, telling Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe about Julie and Ross. Rachel makes Chandler talk to Ross about Julie and finds out that Ross really likes Julie. Julie calls Ross at the apartment one night and Rachel freaks, leaving. She spends the night with Paolo because she's so upset. Joey tells her that she should just tell Ross how she feels. She calls Ross out to the balcony. She starts by saying she isn't getting back with Paolo. Ross tells her she deserves a guy who really loves being with her, like he feels with Julie. Rachel can't tell him how she feels.

Ross: is baffled by Rachel's appearance at the airport, but he goes along with it, even when Rachel is being really strange. He has no idea that Rachel knows he was in love with her. He and Julie knew each other in grad. school and she was in charge of the dig in China. He's pleased with his new relationship, introducing Julie to his friends and talking about her all the time. He tells Chandler that he took his advice and was moving on from Rachel, and that Julie made him happy. He and Julie are all mushy together. He's oblivious to the fact that Rachel is insanely jealous. When Rachel calls him to the balcony, he finally says that he hates Paolo. He tells Rachel she could do so much better and deserves a guy who really loves and appreciates her.

Monica: deals with the disappointment about Ross and Rachel getting together. She tries to be there for Rachel, who is horribly upset, and Ross, who is on cloud nine about his new relationship. She notices that Chandler and Joey got haircuts and she learns that Phoebe did it for them. After mentioning it several times, she talks Phoebe into cutting her hair. Monica winces every time Phoebe takes a snip. Monica wanted her hair cut like Demi Moore's, but Phoebe cuts it like Dudley Moore's. Monica spends the rest of the episode upset about her hair. Chandler and Ross tease her about having a Dudley Moore haircut.

Phoebe: gives the Season 1, Ross and Rachel recap to start the show off. She gets roped into cutting Monica's hair, despite the fact she really doesn't want to because she knows how anal and controlling Monica is. Of course, then she gets Demi and Dudley Moore confused and it's a whole big mess. After the haircut disaster, Phoebe talks to Rachel, Ross, and Joey as though Monica is a patient in the hospital and Phoebe is a doctor giving updates on her condition. She also manages to insult Ross's haircut. At the end of the episode, Julie asks Phoebe to cut her hair. Julie wants her hair cut like Andie MacDowell's. To make sure Phoebe has the actor correct, she asks Rachel if Andie MacDowell was the girl in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral.' Rachel tells her that Andie MacDowell is the guy from 'Planet of the Apes.'

Chandler: is in trouble with Rachel after Ross gets off the plane with Julie. He talks to Ross for Rachel, finding out that Ross is happy with Julie. He also needs a tailor because he has to get some pants altered. Joey recommends Frankie, the guy who does tailoring work for him and his dad. Chandler goes to Frankie and is, well, molested. Chandler tells Joey about Frankie's inappropriate behavior.

Joey: encourages Rachel to tell Ross how she feels. He's horrified to learn that that, is in fact, not how you measure pants He worries that he's been touched inappropriately by other people, such as doctors. He calls his dad and tells him about Frankie.

• I've always felt bad for Rachel. She does act like a spaz, but I can't really blame her for freaking. That's not to say that I don't like Julie, because I do. The writers made Julie admirably difficult to dislike. It would've been so cliche for Julie to be a bitch, but generally she's very nice, which makes it more difficult for the Ross-Rachel-Julie triangle to be easily unraveled.
  

• I love this picture.
  

• I don't know how I feel about the introduction of the haircuts. It's obvious when Chandler and Joey first appear that their hair is different. It's disconcerting because the action of this episode takes place, like, an hour and a half after the season one finale. I'm not sure if I like that they draw attention to it so blatantly. I really wouldn't have liked it if they hadn't mentioned it all, but it's...too...I don't know...deliberate, maybe. I'm befuddled. I need to stop thinking about this.
  

• This is one of my favorite episodes! There are several moments throughout the series that I love, but there are only a handful of episodes that I enjoy with an irritating abundance and this is one of them! It's the Ross-Rachel-Julie love triangle and Joey's tailor--I just adore it.
  

• Haircut confusion breakdown:

Demi Moore

Dudley Moore

I don't know anything about cutting hair and I definitely wouldn't want to be trusted with a pair of scissors so close to someone's head, but...I'd think it'd be an easy fix for Phoebe to cut Monica's hair shorter, like Demi Moore's. Maybe not. Also, Monica specifically mentions Demi Moore's hair in 'Ghost,' which was short, like in the picture, but Monica says that the Dudley Moore hair is too short...Confused.

Andie MacDowell

Roddy McDowall, the guy from 'Planet of the Apes.'

• Joey's tailor. Another best moment ever.
  

The way this moment makes me feel is indescribable. Oh, Joey. Poor, naive, Joey. You wouldn't believe the myriad uses of the phrases, "Joey's tailor...took advantage of me!" and, "Yes. Yes it is. In PRISON!"

Oh. My. God.

" Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs." -Chandler, after Rachel rushes in from the airport, explaining about Ross and Julie.

"--And the chicken poops in her lap!." -Rachel, finishing Julie's story.

"I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-you-neck-fantastic?" -Rachel, about Ross and Julie running into each other again in China.

"Anybody know a good tailor?"
"Need some clothes altered?"
"No, no. I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk." -Chandler and Joey.

"You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!" -Chandler, to Joey as he tries to remember when he first went to Frankie (the tailor).

"What are you doing here?"
"I do Raquel." -Ross and Paolo.

"Your hair looks too good. I think it would just upset her. Ross, you come on in." -Phoebe, discussing who can come in and see Monica after the haircut disaster.

"When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me." -Rachel, explaining to Joey how she feels.

"I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with, like, a lot of people's share of women." -Joey, comforting Rachel.

"I swear to God, Dad. That's not how they measure pants." -Joey.