TOW: the Bullies

Chandler and Ross: plan to play racquetball, but the stop in Central Perk first. They decide to hang out at the coffee shop instead of playing their game. They sit on the couch, but two guys, Arthur (Nicky Katt) and Carl (Tom DeLuise), inform Ross and Chandler that they were sitting on the couch first. Ross and Chandler are okay with moving, but Chandler makes a sarcastic comment and guys get defensive. Arthur steals Chandler's hat and refuses to give it back. They tell the gang about the bullies. They go back to Central Perk the next day and sit on the couch. Arthur and Carl come in and want the couch. Ross tells Gunther on them. Arthur and Carl want to fight, but Chandler and Ross don't. Arthur and Carl tell Chandler and Ross not to come back to Central Perk unless they want to fight. Chandler and Ross try making cappuccino at home, but it doesn't go well. Joey says he'll go down to Central Perk with them and the bullies will leave them alone. Ross decides they need to stand their ground without Joey. Ross and Chandler go to Central Perk and try to drink their coffee incredibly fast. They leave, running into the bullies outside. They all prepare to fight, taking off their watches and removing their keys from their pockets. They lay down fighting rules, but before any punches are thrown, some guys steal their stuff. All four chase after the robbers. They become friends, though Chandler didn't do any fighting, having tripped over a jump rope. He takes his hat back from Arthur and runs away, tripping again.

Phoebe: decides that she's getting a lot of signs that mean she needs to go see her dad again. She enlists Joey and Rachel to accompany her. She's ready to go, gets out of the car, but is attacked by a vicious yippy dog. The dog chases her back to the cab, sticking around so no one can get out of the car. Once it's dark, they think the dog is gone. Phoebe's decided that the dog was a bad omen and she shouldn't go to the door. She starts driving away and runs over the dog. Phoebe takes the dog to the vet and learns it'll be okay. She picks the dog up and takes it to her dad's. A woman answers the door and Phoebe asks for Frank. Phoebe meets Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) and learns her dad moved out years ago. Frank Jr. sees her out and Phoebe reveals she is his sister. Frank Jr. asks for her phone number in case he wants to call her sometime and they hang out, talking about their father's penchant for stilts.


Joey and Rachel: go with Phoebe to talk to her dad. Joey warns Rachel how fragile Phoebe can be about her dad. Joey brings a sandwich, which Rachel feeds to crazy dog. Joey also suggests they bring pillows so they don't slam against the cab backseat barrier. Joey calls the Buffay household and tells the woman who answers that he has her dog. It sounds like a ransom call. Joey wants to go with Chandler and Ross to deal with the bullies. Monica asks Rachel to loan her a hundred bucks, which Rachel can't do.

Monica: starts watching the business channel because there's a stock with her initials, MEG. Her dad gets her an interview, but Monica doesn't want the job. It's to work at a 50's theme restaurant where she'd have to wear a costume (including wig and fake boobs) and dance. She decides to play the stock market, investing in MEG. She makes some money off of it and starts getting really serious, dropping MEG and buying lots of other stock. She ends up losing all her money and asks Rachel for a hundred dollars. Rachel can't give it to her and Monica has to take the diner job.

• I'd never play the stock market without knowing about what I'm buying. The whole thing makes me a nervous wreck. Also, I don't understand any of it.
  

• I can't believe someone steals Chandler's hat! The gall of that guy!!

• It's like a mini, incredibly less menacing Cujo.

• I don't know why I'm so excited by Frank Jr. I like Frank Jr okay...he's kind of a creep at first. Any time I see Giovanni Ribisi, even in Avatar, I'm all "FRANK JR.!!!!!"

• At one point, Carl the 'big bully' has on a Bolero tie. You read that right. Feel free to giggle with glee.
  

• Ooooh, Monica at the diner!! Doing the YMCA!!

I think she looks like Daryl Hannah from Steel Magnolia's with that wig and those glasses.

See?

• I'm not very excited by this episode. The bullies are funny at first, but then it's kind of sad. Like, are their really people in their late twenties and thirties that are like that? That's depressing. Ha, I do really like when Carl and Arthur start talking about their jobs and trying to have a baby before they beat up Chandler and Ross.
  

Oh. My. God.

"And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken."
"His Indian name?" -Phoebe and Monica, when Phoebe thinks everything is a sign she needs to see her dad.

"Stop talking, stop talking now." -Chandler, after the bully steals his hat.

"Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one." -Chandler, when Rachel comforts Ross after the bully encounter.

"Nah, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now." -Chandler, responding to Joey saying they should go get his hat back.

"Ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?" -Rachel, being disgusted by Joey's sandwich.

"Do you have to be a Century 21 agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?"
"Do you say this stuff to girls?" -Chandler and Ross, musing at the coffee shop.

"Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then--and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to." -Chandler, when the bullies want to sit on the couch.

"Don't play with his thing." -Chandler, when Ross plays with the bullies Bolero tie.

"Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now." -Joey, when Phoebe hits the dog.

"Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY because I think it sounds Zexy." -Monica, about the stocks she bought.

"Y'know, my motto is get out before they go down."
"That is not my motto." -Monica and Joey, when Monica discusses her stock philosophy.

"He said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back, so...still hoping." -Phoebe, having talked to the vet.

"She'll be a much better friend when the market closes." -Rachel, as Monica freaks about Joey using the phone.

"Alright, hang on a second there, Custer." -Chandler, to Ross when he wants to stand up to the bullies."

"Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Y'know, because I think actually mine's growing back." -Chandler, to Ross saying getting in a fight was a right of passage.

"I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs." -Monica, after losing all her money and knowing she'll have to take the diner job.

"You burn your mouth?"
"Cannot feel my tongue." -Chandler and Ross, drinking their coffee too fast to get out of the coffee house.

TOW: Phoebe's Dad

Phoebe: looks at a picture frame Ross bought as a Christmas gift and says that the sample picture is of her father. Phoebe shows the gang pictures of the same guy, but it's obvious that they are the sample pictures that come with the frame. Monica informs Phoebe of this. Phoebe has a talk with her grandmother, where she learns that the man she has pictures of is not, in fact, her real father. Phoebe must deal with the fact that her father is not a celebrated tree surgeon, who is off in some far away jungle, unable to communicate with his family. He's actually a pharmacist who lives in upstate New York. Phoebe calls information to try to find a Frank Buffay in various cities in upstate NY, but she doesn't have any luck. Phoebe's grandma tells Phoebe her father's address and lets Phoebe use her cab. Once at her father's house, Phoebe can't go farther than the mail box. She's afraid her father will be a disappointment. Chandler and Joey console her.

Monica and Rachel: have no money so they give their mailman, paper delivery guy, and super a Christmas bonus in cookies. The paper guy leaves the cookies mushed in the sports section and fills in the crossword puzzle. The mailman steps on tree ornaments that Monica's mom sends. They're having a Christmas party and the radiator breaks. Mr. Treeger, the super, says he can't fix the broken radiator knob until Tuesday. Their apartment is sweltering for the party and all their guests have to take off most of their clothes. Mr. Treeger comes by because, when calling to get the radiator fixed, Rachel mentioned they were throwing the party. Ross gives Treeger a cash Christmas bonus, thinking it'd help them get the radiator fixed. Mr. Treeger was telling the truth and really can't get the knob until Tuesday; he also really liked Monica's cookies.

Ross: wants to make up with Rachel, but she's still mad at him. Ross tells Rachel to make a list of his bad traits. She does and says he's obsessive and uses too much hair gel. For the rest of the evening, through out the party, Ross obsesses over using too much hair gel. He's the one who breaks the knob off of the radiator. He gives Treeger two bonuses thinking it'll help get the radiator fixed.

Joey and Chandler: go with Phoebe to see her dad. They go with her because they haven't done their Christmas shopping and they want to stop at an outlet mall. They wait as Phoebe makes her attempts to go to the door of her father's house. When she can't make it up to the door, they comfort her. The make sure she understands that it's okay that she's reluctant to meet her dad after so much time. Joey fixes the radiator as soon as they walk in to Monica and Rachel's. Apparently, you can turn it off from the bottom. Since they didn't make it to the outlet mall, they buy everyone gifts from a gas station.

• To get Rachel to forgive him, Ross buys her a slinky. What the eff, Ross? You know what kind of girl Rachel is, you think a slinky is the magic gift?

• Rachel's list for Ross: whiney, obsessive, insecure, gutless, he doesn't ever seize the day, and too much hair gel.

He spends the entire party talking about his hair gel usage. But, seriously, Ross, you use too much. Just by looking at him you can tell that if you touched that hair your hand would be sticky for a week.

• This painting...thing...legit freaks me out.

It's kinda nifty, but it's 3Dishness is off-putting.

• Phoebe thinks Einstein was her grandfather...well, not exactly, but it's his picture her grandma displays, claiming it's Phoebe's grandfather.
  

• Look at the sweltering, half-naked party guests!

Gunther's stylin'!

• I'm thinking that Phoebe's dad would notice that there was a junky yellow cab sitting outside his house. Especially since Phoebe's there for at least a couple of hours.
  

• Chandler and Joey get everyone gas station merchandise. Rachel=windshield wipers and a new-car smell air freshener; Phoebe=toilet seat covers; Ross=a cola and a lemon lime soda; Monica=condoms.
  

• Ugly Naked Guy decorates his Christmas tree.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls." -Phoebe, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me." -Ross, looking at the newspaper crossword puzzle.

"I can't believe it's Christmas already. Y'know, I mean, one day you're eatin' turkey, the next thing y'know, your lords are a-leapin' and your geese are a-layin'."
"Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year." -Joey and Chandler.

"It's a Slinky! Remeber, huh? Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's...just a big spring." -Ross, showing Rachel her gift.

"How have you never been on Oprah?" -Rachel, to Phoebe after Phoebe explains her family situation.

"Ok, I smell smoke. Maybe it's because someone's pants are on fire!" -Phoebe, to her grandma about her father.

"Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?" -Chandler, responding to Monica's concern about Chandler and Joey not having bought presents yet.

"Phoebe here with the cab yet?"
"Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab...hop in." -Joey and Chandler, waiting for Phoebe.

"Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal." -Ross, to Monica wanting to try to fix the radiator.

"Nice seizing...gel boy." -Rachel, after Ross gives Treeger money.

"Yeah, no, it's still basil." -Rachel, under the mistletoe with Treeger.

"Ho, ho, ho, holy crap, is it hot in here!" -Chandler, walking in to Monica and Rachel's.

"And a LEMON LIME!" -Chandler, showing Ross the soda he got him.