TOW: Heckles Dies

Mr. Heckles comes to Monica and Rachel's to tell them to keep it down. They don't think they were being particularly loud. Mr. Heckles starts banging on his ceiling with a broom and the gang, all at Monica's, stomps at him out of frustration. Heckles dies.

Monica and Rachel: feel really guilty because they know Heckles was banging on the ceiling when he died to get them to stop making so much noise. Heckles' lawyer shows up and tells them that Heckles left them everything in his apartment. Monica thinks he left them his things because he liked them, but his apartment is so cluttered with junk that Monica decides it was his last payback. Rachel finds a horrible driftwood, sea shell lamp that she has to have, but Monica hates it. It comes out that Monica still thinks of their apartment as hers. Rachel takes the lamp. Preparing to go out to dinner, Monica puts on her jacket and breaks the lamp. Rachel's sure Monica did it on purpose. To make up for it, as they finish cleaning Heckles' place, Monica gives Rachel a girlie-clock Rachel'd been admiring to decorate their apartment.

Chandler: breaks up with a woman because of her distractingly huge nostrils. Everyone criticizes Chandler for breaking up with women for silly reasons. Chandler says he broke up with Janice for valid reasons. After Heckles dies, and they're going through his things, Chandler finds a 'big book of grievances' that Heckles would write in. Joey finds Heckles' year book. Chandler starts freaking out when he learns that Heckles was the class clown, played clarinet, and was in the miniature club, all things very similar to Chandler in high school. Chandler spends the night in Heckles' apartment, fearing that he'll end up alone and crazy. His fears get worse when he finds a box of pictures of all of Heckles ex's, where Heckles cataloged all of their faults. Joey tries to comfort him, but Chandler decides he has to make a change right away. Chandler calls Janice. Janice comes into Central Perk and is pregnant and married. Chandler thinks he's lost all his chances at not ending up alone. He tells Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe of his fears and they say he's just being a normal guy. Chandler feels better and asks out a woman he works with, despite her giant head. On the date, he can't get over how huge her head is.

Ross and Phoebe: fight about evolution. Phoebe mentions that she doesn't believe in the theory of evolution. Ross is upset and makes it his personal mission to convince Phoebe that evolution is scientific fact. He talks about the fossil records of species evolving and even brings samples home from the museum. Phoebe is irritated that Ross can't open his mind enough to acknowledge that scientists might not know everything about evolution and what they think they know could change. Ross finally admits that Phoebe is correct; there's a possibility that evolution is not true. Phoebe is upset that Ross would abandon his principles so easily.

Joey: tries to comfort Chandler about being similar to Heckles. He's also transfixed by Heckles' magnifying mirror thing and takes it at the end of the episode. Oh, yeah, he also dated a drag queen when he was first in the city. The gang can't bring themselves to tell him that, really, only dudes have Adam's apples.

• What constitutes abnormally large nostrils, exactly? Cause, y'know, if someone had a huge nose it'd be weird for them to have tiny nostrils.

• This is the first episode with Mr. Treeger (Mike Hagerty), the apartment maintenance guy.

He looks like a mixture of Cliff and Norm from 'Cheers.' Ross seems to have indigestion.

• This really is an awful, awful lamp.
  

I'm all for kitsch, but, um, ew. I'm faintly amused by the girlie-clock, though.

• Should I feel sorry for Chandler when Janice comes in pregnant?
  

Cause I just think it's epically awesome.

• This is, all things considered, a pretty good episode... But the part where they leave Heckles' apartment for the last time and Chandler says, "Bye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down"... I'm not an unsentimental person, but blergh. I know he's supposed to have learned about himself from Heckles' death, and that's great and all, but the line was totally unnecessary.
  

Oh. My. God.

"When she sneezed, bats flew out of them." -Chandler, commenting on Joan's nostrils.

"Uh-oh. It's Issac Newton, and he's pissed." -Chandler, responding to a knock at the door after Phoebe says she doesn't believe in gravity.

"Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap." -Chandler, in Heckles's apartment for the first time.

"Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?" -Phoebe, arguing with Ross over evolution.

"Opposable thumbs! Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?" -Ross, explaining opposable thumbs to Phoebe.

"Is there blood coming out of my ears?" -Ross, after fighting with Phoebe.

"Did they go to the zoo? Supposably." -Joey, trying to figure out how to say 'supposedly.'

"Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps." -Rachel, responding to Monica saying she's allergic to shellfish.

"Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake." -Chandler, freaking out about being alone.

"Nice smile, good dresser...BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD!" -Chandler, inner monologue during his dinner with Alison.