TOW: Phoebe's Dad

Phoebe: looks at a picture frame Ross bought as a Christmas gift and says that the sample picture is of her father. Phoebe shows the gang pictures of the same guy, but it's obvious that they are the sample pictures that come with the frame. Monica informs Phoebe of this. Phoebe has a talk with her grandmother, where she learns that the man she has pictures of is not, in fact, her real father. Phoebe must deal with the fact that her father is not a celebrated tree surgeon, who is off in some far away jungle, unable to communicate with his family. He's actually a pharmacist who lives in upstate New York. Phoebe calls information to try to find a Frank Buffay in various cities in upstate NY, but she doesn't have any luck. Phoebe's grandma tells Phoebe her father's address and lets Phoebe use her cab. Once at her father's house, Phoebe can't go farther than the mail box. She's afraid her father will be a disappointment. Chandler and Joey console her.

Monica and Rachel: have no money so they give their mailman, paper delivery guy, and super a Christmas bonus in cookies. The paper guy leaves the cookies mushed in the sports section and fills in the crossword puzzle. The mailman steps on tree ornaments that Monica's mom sends. They're having a Christmas party and the radiator breaks. Mr. Treeger, the super, says he can't fix the broken radiator knob until Tuesday. Their apartment is sweltering for the party and all their guests have to take off most of their clothes. Mr. Treeger comes by because, when calling to get the radiator fixed, Rachel mentioned they were throwing the party. Ross gives Treeger a cash Christmas bonus, thinking it'd help them get the radiator fixed. Mr. Treeger was telling the truth and really can't get the knob until Tuesday; he also really liked Monica's cookies.

Ross: wants to make up with Rachel, but she's still mad at him. Ross tells Rachel to make a list of his bad traits. She does and says he's obsessive and uses too much hair gel. For the rest of the evening, through out the party, Ross obsesses over using too much hair gel. He's the one who breaks the knob off of the radiator. He gives Treeger two bonuses thinking it'll help get the radiator fixed.

Joey and Chandler: go with Phoebe to see her dad. They go with her because they haven't done their Christmas shopping and they want to stop at an outlet mall. They wait as Phoebe makes her attempts to go to the door of her father's house. When she can't make it up to the door, they comfort her. The make sure she understands that it's okay that she's reluctant to meet her dad after so much time. Joey fixes the radiator as soon as they walk in to Monica and Rachel's. Apparently, you can turn it off from the bottom. Since they didn't make it to the outlet mall, they buy everyone gifts from a gas station.

• To get Rachel to forgive him, Ross buys her a slinky. What the eff, Ross? You know what kind of girl Rachel is, you think a slinky is the magic gift?

• Rachel's list for Ross: whiney, obsessive, insecure, gutless, he doesn't ever seize the day, and too much hair gel.

He spends the entire party talking about his hair gel usage. But, seriously, Ross, you use too much. Just by looking at him you can tell that if you touched that hair your hand would be sticky for a week.

• This painting...thing...legit freaks me out.

It's kinda nifty, but it's 3Dishness is off-putting.

• Phoebe thinks Einstein was her grandfather...well, not exactly, but it's his picture her grandma displays, claiming it's Phoebe's grandfather.
  

• Look at the sweltering, half-naked party guests!

Gunther's stylin'!

• I'm thinking that Phoebe's dad would notice that there was a junky yellow cab sitting outside his house. Especially since Phoebe's there for at least a couple of hours.
  

• Chandler and Joey get everyone gas station merchandise. Rachel=windshield wipers and a new-car smell air freshener; Phoebe=toilet seat covers; Ross=a cola and a lemon lime soda; Monica=condoms.
  

• Ugly Naked Guy decorates his Christmas tree.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls." -Phoebe, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me." -Ross, looking at the newspaper crossword puzzle.

"I can't believe it's Christmas already. Y'know, I mean, one day you're eatin' turkey, the next thing y'know, your lords are a-leapin' and your geese are a-layin'."
"Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year." -Joey and Chandler.

"It's a Slinky! Remeber, huh? Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's...just a big spring." -Ross, showing Rachel her gift.

"How have you never been on Oprah?" -Rachel, to Phoebe after Phoebe explains her family situation.

"Ok, I smell smoke. Maybe it's because someone's pants are on fire!" -Phoebe, to her grandma about her father.

"Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?" -Chandler, responding to Monica's concern about Chandler and Joey not having bought presents yet.

"Phoebe here with the cab yet?"
"Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab...hop in." -Joey and Chandler, waiting for Phoebe.

"Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal." -Ross, to Monica wanting to try to fix the radiator.

"Nice seizing...gel boy." -Rachel, after Ross gives Treeger money.

"Yeah, no, it's still basil." -Rachel, under the mistletoe with Treeger.

"Ho, ho, ho, holy crap, is it hot in here!" -Chandler, walking in to Monica and Rachel's.

"And a LEMON LIME!" -Chandler, showing Ross the soda he got him.