TOW:Eddie Won't Go

Chandler: wakes up one night to find Eddie in his bedroom, watching him sleep. Eddie admits he watches Chandler sleep pretty frequently. Chandler orders him to move out and Eddie says he'll be gone by the time Chandler gets home from work. After work, Chandler sneaks around the building, trying to avoid Eddie. He gets into the apartment and thinks Eddie's gone, but Eddie's still there. Eddie's started drying fruit, bought a real fish, and doesn't seem to remember that Chandler's asked him to move out. That night, Chandler stays at Monica and Rachel's. Monica watches him sleeping and freaks him out. The next morning Chandler tells Eddie he absolutely has to leave. Eddie goes with his fish in his pocket (no, that isn't a euphemism). Chandler thinks he's finally gotten rid of Eddie, but he comes to Central Perk with the dismembered head of a mannequin. Eddie doesn't remember Chandler telling him to move out; he seems to think they went on a road trip to Vegas. Chandler changes the locks on the door and moves all of Eddie's stuff out to the hall. He tells Eddie that they've never met and he's always had a roommate, Joey. Joey and Chandler convince Eddie he never lived there and Eddie leaves. Joey is back!

Joey: buys a hat and isn't too upset about losing his job on Days of Our Lives. He thinks that since he was Dr. Drake Ramoray, he'll be able to get another really good job. He meets with Estelle, who has already gotten him an audition. It's for a cab driver on Another World. Joey refuses the audition because he doesn't want to go from a doctor to a cab driver. Joey and Ross are hanging out at Joey's, when Joey gets a gigantic credit card bill. He doesn't have the money to pay for it, being unemployed. Ross tells him to go the Another World audition, but Joey doesn't want to. They fight and Ross leaves. Joey goes to the audition; it doesn't go well. Joey has to send all of his stuff back, to pay off the credit card bill. He moves back in with Chandler and is glad to be back. Yay!

Ross: tries to figure out what's up with the book Rachel and the other girls read. He doesn't really understand it. He tells Joey to do the audition for the cab driver because Joey doesn't know when he'll get another job and he needs the money. It isn't the encouragement Joey wanted and they fight. Ross goes to Joey's to apologize, just as movers are taking Joey's stuff. Joey's sad watching his menagerie of fake animals leaving, so Ross decides to buy him something. Joey wants a $1200 parrot, but all Ross can afford is a $200 plastic dog. It patches things up between them.

Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel: Monica and Phoebe finished reading a book called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's all about women not letting men take power from them. They convince Rachel to read it. The book causes a conflict between Ross and Rachel. Rachel doesn't want Ross to take her wind, so she cancels a movie date on him. Things between the girls sour, however, while they take a "Goddess Quiz." They start arguing about some of their answers to the quiz. Monica and Rachel storm to their rooms. At Central Perk, Rachel brings Monica and Phoebe cake so they'll make up with one another. It works and Rachel takes the cake back because then she'd have to pay for it.

• Eddie watching Chandler sleep is a bit like the chick in Paranormal Activity. I keep waiting for Eddie to try to kill him.

• Bitchin' hat, Joey.
  

• I never thought that drying fruit was a creepy thing until Eddie.
  

• Eddie replaces the cracker with an actual goldfish. I'm sad. I liked the cracker.
  

• I think the self-help mania storyline is funny, but it's not too exciting. I think I'm too focused on the Eddie shenanigans to care much

• Chandler stays on Monica and Rachel's couch. He catches Monica watching him sleep and does this:

Hahahaha

• In what dimension is this not a friggin' weird thing to do?

You'd think someone in Macy's would notice a mannequin decapitation.

• Eddie thinks he and Chandler take a road trip to Vegas and are back in a day...How? I realize I'm trying to rationalize the actions of a crazy person, but I can't help it.
  

• The dog:

I want one.

• Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Chandler gets Joey word-of-the-day toilet paper. Joey uses words like 'jaunty' and 'cache.'
  

• And, another thing, Gunther was on All My Children.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you." -Chandler, upon finding Eddie watching him sleep.

"No, no, no, I wanna hear it from your lips."
"Where did you hear it from before?!" -Eddie and Chandler, when Eddie doesn't accept Chandler wanting him to move out.

"Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like um, 'Hello, who wants one of my phallic shaped man cakes'?" -Phoebe, after Joey offers them a cruller.

"How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?"
"You, you know I--I don't have a --have a problem with that." -Rachel and Ross, as Rachel spouts some Windkeeper philosophy.

"See, this is why I don't date women who read." -Joey, talking to Ross about the Windkeeper book.

"Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgmental and condescending and pedantic."
"Toilet paper?"
"Yeah." -Joey and Ross, during their argument.

"Look, I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot feistier than the last one."
"Maybe cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm" -Eddie and Chandler, on their new goldfish.

"Why must everybody watch me sleep?! There'll be no more watching me sleep!! No more watching!!" -Chandler, after catching Monica watching him sleep.

"You, MOVE OUT! Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!" -Chandler, having enough of Eddie.

"This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue!" -Chandler, assuring Eddie that he wants him to go.

"Only cause you took up half the circle!" -Rachel, to Monica about a childhood game of spin-the-bottle.

"You spent 1200 dollars on a plastic bird?" -Ross, wanting to buy Joey the bird back.

"Ding dong, the psycho's gone!" -Chandler, thinking he'd finally gotten rid of Eddie.

"I mean that guy--is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!!" -Chandler, seeing Eddie with the mannequin head.

"Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath." -Chandler, last words to Eddie.