Some disheartening news...

In a little less than a month, I will be experiencing the hell known as the GRE. In grand obsessive freak out tradition (that may be a combination of Rachel and Monica's neuroses), I've gone into study overdrive mode. For the next couple weeks, I'm going to take a blogging vacation (albeit, one lacking in fun). No worries, I'll be back after the 10th of July to finish up season four. Swear.

TOW: all the Haste

Ross: is in bed with Emily. He got his ear pierced, and Emily's really pleased with it. Actually, Ross is too; he thinks he looks like David Bowie (no), but Emily thinks Ross looks dangerous (again, no). Ross talks about how much he likes the guy he is when he's with Emily. He begs her to stay in New York one more day, but she really has to go. She gets up to start packing, but Ross keeps taking her bags. She really needs to get ready to leave, but he throws her bags off the bed, and pulls Emily in with him. Ross meets Chandler and Joey in Central Perk, and they make fun of Ross' earring. Ross tells them how upset he is about Emily having to go back to London all the time. Ross is considering asking Emily to move in with him, but Chandler and Joey tell him that it's too soon. Joey tells Ross not to do it; that he'll probably only scare Emily by inviting her to move in. Ross decides to take Joey's advice. Ross comes up to find that Emily's packed all of her stuff while he was gone. Ross asks her to move in with him. Emily doesn't know how to answer. Her whole life is in London, so she tells him she can't move to New York. She asks Ross to move to London, but he can't because Ben is in New York. Emily says that if it was the future, and she and Ross were getting married, it'd be different. Ross decides that he'd like to marry Emily. She thinks it's too soon, but Ross works his hardest to convince her. He points out that moving fast has worked pretty well for them so far. Emily says 'yes.' Ross gets down on one knee, taking out his earring to propose. The earring is too small, but it's still romantic. Ross and Emily go to the apartments, dragging everyone into the big apartment. He makes his big announcement, but everyone's a little shocked. Phoebe thinks Emily's pregnant, too. Rachel's not in the room for the announcement, and when she comes in there's definite tension. She's stunned at first, but congratulates Ross and Emily. Once Rachel's given her blessing, they all hug and congratulate Ross and Emily.

Everyone else: Rachel's awakened to a man singing his joy at it being a new morning. Rachel is not pleased. She yells at the singing man, who lives across an alley, but he's too delighted with the beginning of the day to desist. Rachel slams the window down on him, storming out into the main rooms. She tells Monica and Joey everything she hates about the apartment. Monica tries to convince Rachel that the apartment's okay, but Rachel's having none of it. Monica scolds Rachel, because Monica worked really hard to make the apartment nice. They hug it out. Joey talks about how great the apartment is, but Monica yells at him because the apartment sucks. Chandler and Joey are in their apartment, watching a Kung Fu movie, when Phoebe comes in. She's wearing a pair of Santa Clause pants, which she believes are maternity pants. Joey and Chandler point out the mistake, but she pulls out a list of baby names, separated into good and bad columns. She finally realizes they're pants from a Santa costume. Monica and Rachel come over, wondering what's appropriate to wear to a Knicks game. Rachel's ended up with her Dad's season tickets, but doesn't really care one way or the other about them, even though they're great seats. Rachel offers them the tickets, but only if the girls can have their apartment back. Chandler refuses to give up his bachelor pad, though he's not had a girl in that apartment. Chandler and Joey go into Central Perk, and discuss the apartment/Knicks tickets issue. Joey wants the tickets, but Chandler doesn't want to give up the apartment. The girls come back later, offering the tickets again, but Chandler still says no. Joey really wants to do it, but Chandler holds him back; he's not giving up the big apartment. Chandler's adamant, but does admit they might switch apartments for more than Knicks tickets. Joey wants to give up the apartment precisely because it is Knicks tickets. Chandler refuses, but Rachel suggests a bet. Joey wants to do it, and convinces Chandler by playing the best friend card. Phoebe gets to decide what game they play, but Phoebe makes up a weird non-game thing. Monica protests, and decides they should just grab a pack of cards, the high card being the winner. The girls pick first, ending up with four. The guys get an Ace. There's some confusion over whether Ace is high or low, so they pick again. The girls draw a Queen, but the guys draw a King. Chandler's gleeful, because he gets the tickets and the apartment. Joey doesn't understand why Monica and Rachel are so cranky; he thinks they won the apartment back, but Chandler sets him straight. The guys come back from the game, deciding to give some free t-shirts to Monica and Rachel. They go into Monica and Rachel's, and Chandler immediately realizes that the girls have moved all he and Joey's stuff back over. Joey doesn't notice, going so far as getting a beer before he realizes. They run across the hall, but Monica and Rachel refuse to let them in. They switched apartments back while the guys were at the game; it was Phoebe's idea, but she feels bad about it now. Chandler tells Monica and Rachel that he and Joey will just switch the apartment backs when Rachel and Monica go to work. Joey's not so into this plan, because he doesn't want to move all the stuff around again. The girls open the door, having planned for Chandler and Joey to react badly. Monica and Rachel tell Chandler and Joey they will kiss for one minute if they can have their apartment back. The guys agree, the girls make-out, and everyone is back with their original apartments.

• I adore the 'morning's here' guy. I get that song stuck in my head all the time!

• David Bowie. Ross.

Not even a little bit. Although, that face Ross makes reminds me of Billie Idol. Also, was anyone else creeped out by David Bowie's bulge in Labyrinth? Scarred me for life.

• Aw, Phoebe in the Santa costume. It's so adorable.

• Rachel's parents divorced at least a year before this season...where'd the tickets come from? I mean, what's her mom been doing with them all that time?

• Ross' earring is ridiculous.

Some guys can pull that off. Not Ross.

• I love the apartment switch back. I don't have much to say, except it's really awesome.

Chandler looks like he's doing a jig of some sort.

He's seriously demented about this apartment thing.

• The earring proposal is super sweet.

For years I've had it in my head that Ross' earring was a diamond stud. Consequently, I couldn't figure out how he was getting it on her finger. I didn't realize it was a gold hoop til this morning. It's like he's trying to be Mr. Clean.

• Gah, poor Rachel. What a horrible way to find out that a guy you were in love with is marrying someone else. She handles it well, though.

You gotta admire the way she deals with this. Ross always comes unhinged with stuff, but Rachel's usually quite calm.

• Guys really are ridiculous. Knicks tickets won't do it, but two girls making-out will? Ooookay.

Oh. My. God.

"Monica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!" -Rachel, to Monica, who's trying to make Rachel feel better about the apartment situation.

"See, this is a great apartment!"

"Shut up! This place is a HOLE!" -Joey and Monica.

"Santa pants. Santa Claus's pants." -Chandler, to Phoebe, about her pants.

"Hey, Pheebs! How are the elves?" -Rachel, seeing Phoebe's new pants.

"Hey guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?"

"Uhh, a t-shirt that says, 'I don't belong here'." -Monica and Chandler.

"No, but, uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time." -Chandler, to Monica, because he hasn't ever taken a girl to his bachelor pad.

"Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please?" Chandler, being kind of a yuppie idiot.

"You do know that Wham broke up?" -Chandler, seeing Ross' earring for the first time.

"And I love the milk! But, I'm not gonna ask some British girl to move in with me! Joey, you say things now." -Chandler, not making any sense.

"Screw the Knicks!" -Chandler, not wanting to give up the apartment for basketball tickets.

"I left some knickers under your pillow." -Emily, to Ross, before she leaves.

"I'm always hearing about uh, foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you!" -Ross, to Emily, wanting her to move to New York.

"Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!" -Ross, after his earring proposal.

"We'll discuss it in the morning!" -Monica, to the guys, after the apartment switch back.

"Oh, are you pregnant, too?!" -Phoebe, learning about Ross' impending marriage.

"Monica and Rachel made out." -Joey, to Ross.

TOW: Rachel's New Dress

Rachel: asks Monica's advice on what lingerie she should wear for her first time sleeping with Joshua. Monica won't pick, because she's creeped out about picking what clothes people are going to be having sex in. Rachel's super excited for the date; she dyed her hair and got new sheets. She's also having Monica make a fabulous meal that she's going to pass off as her own. On the date, Rachel pretends to have made the meal, and is a big fan of Monica's cooking. Suddenly, Joshua starts freaking out, pointing behind Rachel and flailing. The chick and the duck are in Monica and Rachel's apartment; Joshua is afraid of farm birds. Rachel herds the birds back over to Chandler and Joey's, but the damage has been done. Joshua can't relax, being certain that the birds are looking at him through the walls. Rachel suggests they pack up dinner, and take it to Joshua's. Joshua likes the idea, but he's having work done on his apartment and isn't staying there. He's staying with his parents, but he invites Rachel over, assuring her that his parents are out of town. Rachel agrees to the plan, after ascertaining they wouldn't be interrupted by Joshua's mom and dad. Rachel's awed by Joshua's parents' apartment. It's HUGE. They decide to wait on dinner, making time for other things first. Rachel asks to go freshen up, and leaves. While she's gone, Joshua's parents show up, having given up on their European vacation. Joshua tells them he has a girl over, and his mom says they'll just grab something to eat and go upstairs, getting out of Joshua's way. They all leave the room, and Rachel comes back in wearing a little, slinky lingerie number. She positions herself sexily, so of course Joshua and his parents walk in. Joshua introduces everyone, and his mom thinks Rachel's a hooker. Rachel plays it well, saying she works in fashion, and what she's wearing is an actual dress that's popular in Europe. Joshua's parents by it, and invite Rachel and Joshua to go out to dinner with them. Rachel agrees to go with disastrous results, which she tells Monica all about in Central Perk. A waiter spilled water down her back, causing her to jump up in alarm, and her boob popped out of her outfit. That's classy.

Ross: has Emily visiting for London. Emily has to go to the airport soon, though, and Ross wants to fool around a little. They're interrupted by Carol and Susan bringing Ben over. Ross makes the introductions, and being uncomfortable, tells Carol and Susan they have to leave to make it to the airport. Susan mentions that she's going to London for the first time the next week to shoot a commercial. Emily offers to take Susan around the city. Susan mentions she'd like to see a show, and Emily decides they should go together. Ross starts acting nervous and fidgety. Ross comes into Chandler and Joey's later in the week, freaking out because Emily and Susan are really hitting it off. He's worried that there might be something sexual between them. During his freak out, Phoebe interrupts to inform him she doesn't like his name. Ross is even more upset by this and leaves. Carol goes to Ross' to pick Ben up, and Ross talks about his fears. Carol's not worried at all, pointing out that Emily and Susan are both in committed, loving relationships. Ross points out that he and Carol had the same thing when she met Susan. Ross goes on to spin a scenario about what could happen between Emily and Susan. Carol agrees that it's a possibility, and Ross flips out. Ross gets another message from Emily while he's in Central Perk. She's going to a poetry reading with Susan. Now he's certain that Emily's become a lesbian, telling his fears to Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel. They laugh at him, assuring him that Emily's straight. Phoebe points out ever since Carol left Ross, Ross has been a jealous mess. Rachel seconds Phoebe's observation, reminding Ross about the stuff with Mark. Monica agrees with the other two, but Ross doesn't really like their assessment. Monica encourages him not to ruin stuff with Emily because of what happened with Susan. Ross can't let well enough alone where Rachel is concerned, and mentions that he still thinks he was right about Mark. Rachel's not thrilled. Carol and Ross go to the airport together to pick up Susan and Emily. Susan and Emily kiss, and Ross is thrilled that there's no tongue involved.

Phoebe, Chandler, Joey: Phoebe comes into Central Perk with her new musical instrument, a snare drum. She's too big to wear her guitar strap, so she's decided to play all her songs to the drum. While she's exhibiting her drum playing talent, Alice comes in to ask her a favor. Alice and Frank are trying to name the babies. Alice wants to name the girl Leslie and Frank wants to name one of the boys Frank Jr. Jr. Alice thinks it'd be really great if Phoebe could name the other boy, and Phoebe eagerly agrees. Phoebe comes into Chandler and Joey's, still trying to come up with a good name. She has a baby name book with her, but nothing's standing out. Joey makes some suggestions, before saying Phoebe should name the baby Joey. Phoebe likes the idea, but then Chandler chimes in, thinking the baby should be named after him. Chandler and Joey both list the good qualities about their names, but Phoebe isn't sure which to choose;though she does like the idea of naming the baby after someone she loves. When Ross comes in freaking out about Susan and Emily, Phoebe tells him she doesn't like the name Ross for the baby, unintentionally hurting Ross' feelings. Chandler and Joey continue debating the merits of their names; Phoebe tries to come up with a compromise, but it's no good. Joey finally comes out and says that he thinks Chandler is a horrible, stupid name. Chandler is astonished, finally realizing that his name is awful. Chandler's super upset about the name issue, deciding to just go without a first name. Joey points out that'd make Chandler's name just Bing, which is no good. Chandler then decides he just has no name. Phoebe wants to know what they should call him, so they debate names for awhile. Chandler likes Clint, but Phoebe and Joey think Clint's too cool of a name for Chandler. Phoebe decides that Chandler's more of a Gene, and Joey backs her up. Chandler doesn't want to be named Gene, but it sorta sticks. Phoebe is demonstrating a drum roll (not really) to Joey, when Chandler walks in. Chandler wants them to help him pick a name. He's stuck between Mark and John, but Phoebe and Joey think neither of those names fit him. Joey suggests that Barney'd be a good name for Chandler. Chandler doesn't appreciate the joking; he's serious about getting his name changed. He tells them that his name was the cause of all his problems throughout his life. Phoebe gets fed up, yelling at Chandler that his name isn't the issue, those are problems Chandler needs to work out himself. Phoebe tells Chandler his name is wonderful, and that's what she's going to name the baby. Phoebe leaves to tell Frank and Alice her decision, and Chandler celebrates. He wasn't really going to change his name; he did it all to win.

Monica: doesn't have much to do. She makes Rachel dinner for Joshua, but won't pick Rachel's sex outfit. She gives Ross advice while he's worrying that Emily might develop feelings for Susan.

• This ep is way better than the last two. Even with all the Joshua.

• Alice and Frank never call when they come by. How do they know where to find Phoebe?
  

Do they just automatically check at Central Perk first thing? What would they do if she wasn't there??? It'd probably throw off their entire lives.

• Chandler and Joey have a run of bad Foosball luck. You know it's bad when you can't even win against yourselves. Much as in real life.
  

• I think Chandler is, like, one of the best names EVER. I fully intend to name the next pets I get Chandler Bing and Mrs. Chanandler Bong. Actually, I'm gonna add Chanoey to this list, too. Really.

• The fact that Chandler just fakes all the name angst is really what makes it work.

You have to admit, it's well played.

• I don't like the name Clint. It sounds too much like clit.
  

• Oh, Ross. That's really all I can say to this. It's beautifully hilarious that he's so paranoid Emily will cheat on him with Susan.

I didn't realize there was anything inherently lesbionic about poetry readings. Huh.

• Gosh it must be nice living with a professional chef.

• Joshua being afraid of farm birds makes my life. It's so absurd and I hate him to the core of my very soul.
  

• Y'know that part in The Birds where Tippi Hedren ends up in that room with all the birds pelting her in the face?
  
  
  That's what I want to happen to Joshua, but with farmyard fowl instead of seagulls.

• Rachel's 'dress.'
  

In her defense, the only part of it that doesn't look like an actual dress is the top. Joshua's dad is quite the creeper. Like father, like son, I guess.

• Ross' paranoid jealous is based on Carol's betrayal. That seems so true, and very sad.

• Ross and Carol check out the same woman at the airport. Awkward? Or awesome?

The Magna Doodle Says:

I think it says the word "working" in a circle with a line through it, but I can't see it well enough to tell.

Oh. My. God.

"Wow! It is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum." -Chandler, to Phoebe, who walks in carrying a drum.

"Oh, well, don't tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus." -Phoebe, to Alice, who asks Phoebe for a favor.

"Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra." -Ross, to Emily, who's worried that Ben will be traumatized by seeing her bra hanging in the shower.

"Oh, he's fine. He's fine. It's just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn't like me."

"Oh, come on! That's--that's true." -Susan and Ross, explaining their relationship to Emily.

"I want a name that's really like, y'know, strong and confident, y'know? Like Exxon."

"Well, it certainly worked out for that Valdez kid." -Phoebe and Chandler.

"No, I'm--I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with 'the'." -Phoebe, to Joey's suggestion of The Hulk as a name for the baby.

"Well, Chandler will be there for you, too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but--but he'll be there. And he'll bring you cold soda, if what you need him for is that you're really hot." -Chandler, to Phoebe, about why she should name the baby after him.

"Maybe I'll just name him The Hulk."

"I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it! That's what I wanted to name my kid!" -Phoebe and Joey.

"Wow, I really get crabby when I cook." -Rachel, to Monica, who's explaining why she decided to make salmon instead of filet mignon.

"God, Susan is so fun!" -Phoebe, when Ross tells everyone what Susan and Emily are doing together.

"Hey, they're going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y'know they--they take a steam together, things get a little playful--didn't you see Personal Best?"

"No, but I'm gonna!" -Ross and Joey.

"Hi! Hi! You're crazy!" -Chandler, to Ross, while he's freaking out about Susan and Emily.

"Yeah, I definitely don't like the name Ross."

"What a weird way to kick me when I'm down." -Phoebe and Ross, about baby names.

"Y'know, ugh, never mind! My girlfriend's a lesbian!." -Ross, as he leaves.

"Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it's like, y'know, Chanoey." -Phoebe, trying to fix the baby name issue.

"All right look, man. I didn't want to bring this up, but Chandler is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It's not even a name! It's barely even a word, okay?! It's kinda like chandelier, but it's not! All right? It's a stupid, stupid non-name!" -Joey, telling Chandler how he really feels.

"It's just, uh, farm birds really freak me out." -Joshua. Pussy.

"But they're across the hall! I mean, that's two doors away! It would take them a long time to peck their way back over here." -Rachel, trying to comfort Joshua.

"They--they--they can smell fear." Joshua, after hearing the duck quack. Seriously, get a grip.

"Y'know, the kind of fun you and Susan had when we were married." -Ross, to Carol, as he's freaking out about Emily and Susan.

"France sucks!" -Joshua's dad.

"I like her. She seems smart." -Joshua's dad, upon seeing Rachel in her 'dress.'

"Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries." -Joshua's mom, after meeting Rachel. Why can't he buy his own groceries? And $500??? What the eff does he eat?

"Well, we were gonna do that after--I mean next." -Rachel, to Joshua's parents, when they invite Rachel and Joshua out for dinner.

"So you're just Bing?" -Joey, to Chandler, after Chandler decides he has no first name.

"What's up with Gene?" -Joey, to Phoebe, after they decide Chandler should be called Gene.

"No, it's all right, I got nice boobs." -Rachel, after telling Monica and Phoebe about her boob popping out at dinner.

"So?! Poetry? Susan's gay! They're being gay together!" -Ross, sure that Emily's become a lesbian.

"Y'know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian." Rachel, to Ross, after Ross says he still thinks he was right about Mark.

"Nice luggage."

"I was gonna say..." -Ross and Carol, checking out the same woman at the airport.

TOW: the Free Porn

Chandler and Joey: Joey changes the channel on the TV one day, to find that they've got free porn. The guys are super excited. Mr. Treeger, who was over snaking their shower drain, tells them that he got free porn once, too. He made the mistake of turning his TV off, and never got the porn channel again. Rachel and Monica come over for dinner, and Rachel tries to turn off the porn. Chandler and Joey freak out, telling the girls never, ever to turn off the porn. Monica mutes it, though. They leave the porn on for days, and days, until they can't stand to watch it all the time. They go over to Monica and Rachel's to watch cartoons. Monica and Rachel tell them to just turn the porn off, but Chandler and Joey refuse. They don't want to be the guys who turned off free porn. Chandler and Joey both notice themselves expecting real life to turn out like the dirty movies they've watched. They realize they need to turn the porn off to remain sane. They turn it off, both quite relieved they aren't watching it anymore. After a minute or so, they turn the TV back on, to see if they're still getting free porn. They are. The rejoicing commences.

Monica and Ross: Ross comes over to talk to Monica after Emily leaves for the airport. He's really sad to say good-bye, but he doesn't think he can do anything about it. Emily told Ross not to worry about their future, making him unsure if he'll ever even see her again. Monica tells him that he shouldn't let her go; he needs to fulfill the 'fantasy' of meeting a person from another country and falling madly in love with them. Monica makes him confess his love for Emily, and Monica tells him he has to go to the airport and tell Emily how he feels. Monica fantasizes that Ross and Emily will kiss, and everyone at the airport will applaud. She goes too far with the fantasy, blaming it on too much porn. Ross goes to the airport, catching up with Emily right before she boards the plane. They kiss, say good-bye again, she gives him a giant Toblerone bar, and tries to leave. He pulls her back and confesses his feelings. She hugs and thanks him, then gets on the plane. Ross goes to Chandler and Joey's, telling them all of his failed confession. Chandler's sure it's over, but Monica thinks he still has a chance. Monica's certain that Emily will call; she didn't say anything at the airport because she was overwhelmed by her feelings. Monica makes Ross go home to wait for Emily's call. Ross falls asleep waiting for the phone to ring, but Emily does finally call. She apologizes for her reaction to Ross telling her he loves her, and confesses that there's someone else. Ross tells everyone, but Rachel, about the phone call with Emily. Emily's seeing another man named Colin, nor does she know which guy she wants. Ross tells her to call him when she decides, but he's not sure he'll be around. Monica's miffed, because Emily's behavior doesn't conform to the fantasy, but then she decides that it's perfect. Monica tells Ross he needs to fly to England, proving how much he cares about Emily. Ross refuses to listen to Monica and Joey makes fun of her, but she knows she's right. She brings up how Ross acted with Paolo, telling him he shouldn't make the same mistakes. Ross decides she's right, and plans to go to England. Monica gets a call from Ross. He's in a phone booth by Emily's apartment. She hasn't been home all night, he's sure she's with Colin, and he's ready to give up. Monica suggests he waits a few more hours, then takes the next flight home. Later that day everyone's hanging out at Chandler and Joey's. There's a knock on the door--it's Emily, who's come looking for Ross. Monica has to tell Emily that he's in London. Emily calls her apartment, hoping Ross can hear her. She tells her answering machine that she loves Ross and is in New York City with his friends. He does hear her, and calls Chandler and Joey's apartment right away.

Phoebe and Rachel: Phoebe waddles into Chandler and Joey's carrying her massage table. Rachel scolds her for carrying something so heavy while she's pregnant. Phoebe knows she needs a different job, but isn't sure what to do. She notices the porn and it makes her remember she has an appointment with her OBGYN. Rachel goes with her to the appointment, and they hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. The doctor asks Phoebe how she feels about multiple births, and we learn Phoebe's having triplets. Phoebe's shocked about all the babies, especially because the doctor wasn't even sure she'd have any. Phoebe meets Frank and Alice in Central Perk to tell them about the triplets. At first, they're thrilled, but then Phoebe mentions the extra expense and stress of having three babies. Now Frank and Alice aren't so happy. Alice decides she can make her Home Ec. classes make baby clothes all year. Frank, however, is going to have to quit college (just to be clear, refrigerator college), and get a job to support the babies. Phoebe's pretty upset after this interview, wanting Frank to be able to finish school. She asks Chandler for insider trading tips on his company, but Chandler doesn't know anything about that. Next, Phoebe comes by Monica and Rachel's with a case of knives she's selling. She knows that knife selling won't make her enough to help Frank and Alice, she's just hoping to get enough to open a Saturn dealership. Phoebe and Rachel go out together later, and come back with a great idea on how Phoebe can help Frank and Alice with the babies. Phoebe's going to open a massage parlor with Frank; it'll be arranged around his schedule so he won't have to quit school. But the best part is, that Phoebe's going to fix up the catering van, and make the massages portable. Rachel and Phoebe get into a fight, though, about whether the business'll be called the 'Relaxi-Taxi' or 'Relaxicab' (like taxicab). Phoebe, Frank, and Alice all go to the OBGYN, and look at the ultra-sound.

• When this episode premiered, was everyone super shocked that Phoebe was having triplets? I've seen it too often to remember.
  

• Ahh, remember the good ol' days, when you actually had to pay to watch porn, and couldn't just google it?

I mean, you could google it then, too, but it wasn't as prevalent.
Joey looks more scared than excited.

• Kinda makes you question Emily's honesty, that she has a guy back in London and never mentioned it.

• The Toblerone bar. I've never had one. What's it like?

I can't help but draw a parallel between the porn and the phallic Tobleron bar.

• I'm waaay into Monica's person-from-a-far-away-place fantasy. My European fantasy boy of the moment is Alexander Skarsgard (if you don't watch True Blood, you should).

• Refrigerator college? That exisits?

• Aw, Ross going to London and Emily going to NYC is totally sweet.

Gah, I hate all her coats.

I love English phone booths. They're so pretty. In theory. I wonder if he dialed 6-2-4-4-2?
I would.

• Joshua tells Rachel he doesn't like porn. I think the guys that lie about such things are always the ones to look out for. I bet Jesse James said the same thing to Sandra Bullock.

• Sorta on the fence about this episode. The lack of Joshua is refreshing, to say the least, and the porn is epically awesome. I like Ross and Phoebe's stuff, as well, but there's just something missing from this one. A level of greatness that most of the 4th season achieves, but this episode falls short of.

• Except for Relaxi-Taxi or Relaxicab. Brilliant.
  

The Magna Doodle says

"Knock, Knock... Who's there? PORN!"

Oh. My. God.

"No, we didn't even pay our cable bill--maybe this is how they punish us." -Joey, to Chandler, upon seeing the free porn.

"Like finding money with naked people on it!" -Chandler, to Treeger, while discussing the porn.

"And no one touches the air around the TV!"

"Imagine a protective bubble if you will, okay?" -Chandler and Joey, protecting their porn.

"Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OBGYN today." -Phoebe, watching the porn.

"You had fantasies about Emily?" -Ross, to Monica, when she tells him about 'the fantasy.'

"Then you two can--can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in... I've been watching too much porn." -Monica, telling Ross what'll happen between he and Emily.

"So, I--I mean so in a few months, I'm going to have three full grown babies just walkin' around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it's gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!" -Phoebe, learning she's having triplets.

"I finally got my band!" -Frank, after hearing he's having triplets.

"It's the theme from Good Will Humping." -Chandler, telling Rachel what song she's humming.

"We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In & Out & In, Again." -Chandler, to Monica and Rachel.

"Because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn." -Chandler, to Monica and Rachel, on why they won't turn off the porn.

"Now, I know what you're thinking..."

"Pregnant Woman Slays Four?" -Phoebe and Chandler, while Phoebe's trying to sell her knives.

"Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?" -Ross, when Emily confesses there's someone else.

"If I hadn't let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would've put my fist through the wall!"

"You put your fist through the wall?"

"No, I missed and hit the door. But it opened really hard!" -Ross and Chandler.

"I mean, that could be you and Emily!" -Monica, comparing Ross and Emily to some people getting it on in a porno.

"A place where no one will ever get out alive?" -Chandler, to Phoebe, learning about her massage van idea.

"No! Think about it, it's a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it's..."

"RELAXI-TAXI!" -Phoebe and Rachel.

"Okay, it's not Relaxi Cab. It's Relaxicab, like taxicab." -Rachel, explaining how to pronounce her name for the business.

"Are we in London?" -Chandler, when Emily shows up.

"I'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth! You can't hear me." -Ross, talking to Emily's voice on the answering machine.

"I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault!" -Chandler, having watched too much porn.

TOW: the Fake Party

Rachel: it all starts with Rachel selling Joshua a coat. She decides to write Joshua a letter telling him she has a crush on him, which she plans to stick in the pocket of a coat Joshua's going to buy. She writes a few rough drafts in Central Perk, and Chandler makes fun of her early efforts. What I can only assume is the next day, Rachel brings Joshua a trench coat to try on. She's already put the letter in one of the pockets, so she stops him from putting his hands in the pockets. She blames her strange behavior on a store policy. Joshua mentions that he went on a date, wearing a shirt Rachel picked out. He follows that up, saying that he had an okay time, but doesn't think he's ready to date yet. Rachel snatches the note out of the pocket, but Joshua catches her. Rachel says she was removing a theft device, but Joshua sorta knows something's up. After this, Rachel runs into Chandler and Joey's, telling them they have to throw a going-away party for Emily, but it's really for Joshua. Rachel explains about Joshua not being ready for a relationship, and that the party is the only way she can see him outside of work. She's planning on seducing him. Ross isn't into the party idea, because he wants to spend time with Emily, but Emily arrives and is thrilled by her surprise party. The seduction of Joshua does not go well. Rachel first tries to play hard-to-get, but that doesn't work. Then, she attempts to wow Joshua with her ability to tie a cherry steam with her tongue; she chokes herself. She changes into her lucky little black dress, hoping it'll do the trick. Joey suggests she take off her bra under her outfit, like in Flashdance, but Rachel doesn't like the idea. Monica tries to think of ways for Rachel to kiss Joshua, and suggests Spin-the-Bottle. Rachel laughs at that, until Ross, Emily, and Joshua try to leave. Rachel tells them they can't, because they'll miss the 'big thing,' which is playing Spin-the-Bottle. Rachel's spin actually lands on Joshua, but before they can kiss, the baby (Phoebe's) kicks for the first time. Rachel smells or kisses Joshua's pants; she pretends there was a bug on him when she gets his attention. Rachel decides to put on her high school cheerleader uniform. She does a cheer in honor of Emily's going away, ending up hurting herself. Her lip is swollen, and Joshua decides to leave. Joey's still mentioning the bra removal. Rachel takes Joshua to get his coat, and decides to do the bra thing. It gets stuck in her shirt sleeve. Frustrated, she blurts out that she was doing all the weird stuff because she was trying to seduce Joshua. Joshua admits to liking her too, but says he's really not ready to get into anything so soon after his divorce. Rachel ends up sitting out in the hall with Ross. Neither of their evenings has gone as they planned. Rachel gives Ross some advice about Emily, really improving his evening. Ross goes back into the party, but Chandler comes out and sits with Rachel. Before they can start talking, Joshua comes back up. He says he wants to try to make something work with Rachel, even though he's really not ready. They almost kiss, but Chandler's watching, so they go into Rachel's apartment.

Ross: and Emily meet up with the gang in Central Perk. They'd just gone to a museum display on Victorian doorknobs, which was surprisingly interesting. Emily leaves, giving Ross a chance to talk about how much he likes her, and how much fun they have together. The only thing is, Emily's going back to London in two days, so they aren't staying together. Ross knew that's how it had to be, but he's still pretty down about it. When Rachel comes barging in, telling everyone they have to throw a party for Emily, Ross really isn't interested. He had a whole evening planned for he and Emily, and doesn't want that messed up. However, Emily arrives, Rachel and the others do the surprise, and Emily loves it. She's having a great time at the party; whenever Ross wants to leave, Emily's not ready. The first time, Monica's been telling Emily all about Ross dressing up as Bea. The next time they try to leave, Rachel tells them they'll miss the 'big thing.' Emily has a great time talking to Chandler, but when Emily's not around, Ross scolds him. He wants Chandler to stop being funny and interesting, because he wants to leave. Finally, Rachel comes in with her cheerleader outfit on, and Emily thinks it's going to be a skit, and won't let Ross leave. Ross is drinking a beer out in the hall, when Rachel comes out. Rachel apologizes for ruining Ross' evening. She feels super bad that she made him do the party thing at the last minute, when he had other plans. Ross is upset, because Emily's leaving and he wants to spend as much time as possible with her. Rachel tells Ross that it seems like he and Emily like each other more than people committed to only being together for two weeks. Rachel comments that a girl who wasn't really interested wouldn't spend an entire evening with a guy's friends, asking to here stories about him. Rachel suggests Ross spend as much time as possible with Emily in the next few hours. Ross is comforted, and goes back to the party to be with Emily.

Joey and Phoebe: Phoebe's in a horrible mood at the beginning of the episode. She's hungry, but everything she tries to eat makes her nauseous. At Chandler and Joey's, she smells something that doesn't make her sick. It's coming from the bathroom because Joey's in the shower with a bologna sandwich. Phoebe's craving meat, but she doesn't want to eat any. The fact that she wants meat, only upsets her more, because she refuses to eat it. Phoebe watches Joey make a sandwich, encouraging him to tell her everything he's using to make it. Phoebe still wants meat, maybe more so, since watching Joey make his sandwich. She tells Chandler, as he's making a sandwich of his own, why she won't be eating any meat. She ends up eating Chandler's sandwich. Joey tells Phoebe to go all out, and offers her steak. She and Joey eat the steak, but Phoebe feels awful afterword. She's horrified about how much meat she ate, and how much she'll have to eat throughout the pregnancy. Joey offers to become a vegetarian to fill her place during her pregnancy. Phoebe makes a sandwich, and Joey makes her narrate as she makes it. He really wants some of the sandwich, but can't because he's being a vegetarian.

Monica and Chandler: don't do much this episode. Chandler can't keep himself from adopting a British accent whenever Emily's around. Monica asks him to stop doing it, because it's weird. Chandler decides Monica actually really likes the accent. Monica tells Emily stories about Ross as a child. Chandler gets upset because people keep telling him to be funnier or to stop being funny altogether.

• Blah, blah, Rachel and Joshua, blah, blah, blah.

• I think it's so cute how excited Emily is about her fake surprise party. Granted, she doesn't know it's fake, but it's totally adorable how happy it makes her.

• I really don't have a ton to say about this ep. It's not one of my favorites. Probably because it's so Joshua heavy.

• Uh, this is a pretty lame party if they have to resort to playing Spin the Bottle.

• Even though I hate the Josh stuff, Rachel is super adorable with her bra hanging out of her sleeve.

• I totally understand why Ross is upset, but I think Rachel's right. He should spend as much times as possible with Emily, even if it isn't what he wants to do.

• Joshua says the only time Rachel hasn't been sophisticated was at this party. Uhhh...kay...Do you not remember the awkward hand holding, the running into the mannequin, Rachel checking our your ass...any of that ringing a bell? She's not exactly subtle.

• Phoebe eating meat is sorta funny, but eh.

• Chandler's pretty creepy watching Joshua and Rachel.

• Speaking of Chandler, what happened in Yemen? I've always wondered.

• Gunther almost gets to kiss Rachel in Spin the Bottle. And he tells Emily he's dating Rachel. Why do they always invite Gunther to parties?

The Magna-Doodle Says

"Emily... Bon Voy see ya!

Oh. My. God.

"Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you never go out of style. What did you throw away?" -Chandler, to Rachel, as she's working on her note to Joshua.

"I don't know how museums work in England, but here you're not supposed to take stuff."

"I, uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there." -Monica and Emily, when Emily shows them a Victorian doorknob.

"That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow, too." -Phoebe, to Joey, after he compliments her pregnant lady glow.

"Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe."

"It's not Christmas!"

"Or Spin the Bottle?"

"He's not 11!" -Monica and Rachel, trying to figure out how Rachel can kiss Joshua.

"There's a Phoebe on my sandwich!" -Chandler, after Phoebe attacks his sandwich.

"Oh, now see that's a fancy but." -Rachel, to Joshua, replacing 'but' with 'however.'

"You got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you're sitting in the hallway with a 28 year old cheerleader with a fat lip." -Rachel, to Ross, about spending time with Emily before she leaves.

"I don't know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids."

"Oh my God! Those weren't albino kids, that was computer camp!" -Rachel and Ross, after Emily looked at old photo albums of Ross.

"Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right?"

"Not if I get there first." -Joey and Phoebe, discussing Joey's temporary vegetarianism.

TOW: all the Rugby

Ross, Joey, Phoebe: Ross and Emily (Helen Baxendale) are out walking. Emily's a little freaked out about walking at night in the city, but Ross reassures her; he's never worried about being out at night. Out of nowhere, two huge guys run up and grab Emily, carrying her off. Ross starts yelling for help, but Emily's okay. The guys are her friends from back home, Liam and Devon. They're both pretty big guys, especially Liam. Emily catches up with the guys, and we learn that she and Liam used to be lovers. Ross gets super possessive of Emily. Liam invites Ross to play rugby with them, but Emily laughs at the idea. Ross wants to prove himself, so he agrees. Ross goes to Joey and Chandler's to watch rugby on ESPN. Joey can't believe that Ross's actually going to try to play rugby; it's an incredibly brutal sport. In the spirit of the thing, Joey gives Ross a little lesson on the playing of rugby. Phoebe wants to know why Ross is going through all the trouble in the first place. Ross explains about feeling threatened by Liam, who's a huge, tough looking dude. Rachel laughs at Ross trying to be manly, but he's sure he can do it. His plan is to be energetic and stay away from the ball. Ross, Joey, and Phoebe go to the game the next day. Joey lists all the guys Ross needs to stay away from. Ross is still sure he'll be fine, but knows he's going to have to go 'red Ross.' Neither Joey nor Phoebe know what 'red Ross' means; Ross explains, but neither of them have any idea what he's talking about. Emily asks her friends to go easy on Ross, of course she does this at a moment when Ross is being particularly idiotic. Ross jumps into the scrum. Ross gets tackled by, like, every man in the game. It's only half-time, and Ross is already limping. He sends Emily off to get him some water, and when she's gone Ross tells Phoebe and Joey that he's in a lot of pain. Emily urges Ross to quit, but Ross isn't interested. He's still doing 'red Ross.' Emily gives Ross tips on how to hurt the other guys. He rejoins the game, making a growly, shriek-roar thing, which help Phoebe and Joey remember 'red Ross.' After the game, they all come into Central Perk. Ross is seriously beaten up, but he's happy. He played the whole game, and even hurt some other guys pretty bad. He's proud of himself, which makes the pain not so bad. Joey and Phoebe are also kind of in with Monica trying to find what the light switch goes to. At the end, Phoebe thinks she's controlling Joey and Chandler's tv flicking on and off.

Chandler: goes to get his nails done with Rachel. I don't know why, or how he gets talked into it, he's just there. Anyway, Rachel's sitting on a broken nail, and the nail reminds Chandler of Janice. So, of course, Janice walks in the door. Chandler brings Janice back to the apartment with him. Joey screams when he sees her. She greets everyone and leaves. Chandler isn't interested in being with her; he's able to see all of her irritating qualities. He has plans with Janice that evening, but he's also going to end it with her. Rachel doesn't think he'll be able to, because he can't ever break up with Janice. Chandler isn't looking at it as a break up, though, since they aren't technically dating. They end up in Central Perk, with Janice talking about how excited she is to be back with Chandler. She thinks it's fate that she divorced her husband, and Chandler just got out of a relationship. Chandler attempts to tell her his doubts, but she's not having any of it. Chandler runs out of things to say, so he tells Janice his company is transferring him overseas. She's excited, thinking it'll be somewhere exotic and European, but Chandler tells her they're sending him to Yemen. Janice wants to spend every possible moment she can with him before he leaves. Chandler tells her he's leaving the next day. Instead of deterring her, she comes back to the apartment with him, deciding to help him pack. She actually makes him get boxes and a huge roll of bubble wrap. Joey seriously thinks Chandler's leaving and is pretty upset, until Chandler tells him the truth. Janice insists on taking Chandler to the airport the next day. She's confused about why none of his friends seemed that concerned about his leaving. Chandler tells her good-bye, but Janice has no intention of leaving. Chandler tries to get the ticket-counter woman to give him a fake ticket, but she's pretty dense and doesn't get it. Janice thinks Chandler might not have to go, getting excited at the prospect, so Chandler buys a ticket to Yemen. Chandler's flight is almost finished boarding, but he's still waiting for Janice to leave. Chandler has to get on the plane, but he runs back as soon as he thinks Janice isn't looking. She sees him, and though he tries to ignore her, he can't. Chandler tells her he came back for one last kiss. He wants her to leave, but she's going to stay until the plane takes off. Chandler has to go to Yemen.

Monica and Rachel: Monica finds a light switch that doesn't seem to go to anything. It's driving her crazy, so she asks Joey what it does. Joey says it doesn't do anything. Rachel comes home one evening, and Monica tells her that she found four outlets that don't work, and maybe the switch controls one of them. Monica and Phoebe plug loud appliances into each of those outlets, hoping that they'll be able to find which outlet is controlled by the switch. Monica turns the switch on, there's a noise, but it's only Joey humming. Rachel comes home another day, and Monica's bought the electrical plans for the building. She can't let the switch thing go, but neither her or Rachel know how to read the plans. Again Rachel comes home, this time she finds drawings taped up all over the apartment. Monica put them up to cover all the holes she made in the wall. She followed the wire that goes from the switch until she lost it behind the baseboard. There are holes in the floor and ceiling. Finally, Monica gives up with the switch. She's called in the super and an expensive electrician, but neither of them could help. Monica's also been shocked several times. She flips the switch a few times, and we cut to Chandler and Joey's apartment. The tv keeps turning off and on, and Phoebe thinks she's using mind control to do it.

• Rugby episode, I heart thee.

Where does he get his rugby clothes?

• You know what I particularly like about it? Making references to 'red Ross' and people not getting it. I appreciate the irony.

• And Yemen!! I can't watch the news, anything about the country of Yemen, without saying "I'm going to Yemen!!" several times in quick succession.

• I'd really like to know the conversation that proceeded Chandler and Rachel going to the nail salon.

• Emily's friends are Liam and Devon. I mean, they're British, obviously they have to have incredibly stereotypical British names.

• I'm not entirely clear on this, did Emily and Liam have a one-night-stand after the U2 concert or were they, y'know, dating?

Liam's in the grey and red.

• How does Joey know about rugby? But more importantly, why?
  

• I think it pretty cute that Ross plays rugby to impress Emily. He really must like her to get the shit kicked out him.

• The thing with Monica and the light switch makes me life. I don't know why; I just find it beautifully obsessive.

Gah, do you remember when everybody did pigtails like that???

• Rachel's really excited because she feels Joshua's pulse. I wish Joshua didn't have a friggin pulse.

• The 'red Ross' thing came from a fight Ross get in with some dude in line to see Dances with Wolves... Alright then...

• Oh, Ross and the exploding Styrofoam cup.
  

No dignity. None at all.
I really hate Emily's coat.

• This coat (because, apparently, I have an issue with them today)...I'm not a member of PETA, though I support their general ideas (I have some problems with zealotry that I'm really not going to get in to), but this coat makes me cringe. Cringe to my very toes.

Is it just me, or does she kinda look like Cher in this picture? Okay, Cher with really bad teeth.

• RED ROSS!!!!

Oh. My. God.

"Well, here's another question for you. Uh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?

"Sure! It flushes it."

"Okay, good. Now, since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?" -Rachel and Joey, on how to flush a toilet.

"Yeah, I know, but all of those little things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality--Well, they're all back! Y'know? And she's picked up like nine new ones!" -Chandler, explaining how he feels about Janice.

"So, what are you doing bringing her here?! There's people here!" -Joey, after Chandler brings Janice over.

"My ass is like frozen!!" -Chandler, after he stands with his back to the open fridge.

"Well, I mean, you're American to start with. You don't even have rugby here."

"Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776, either, so..." -Emily and Ross, when he agrees to play rugby.

"Oh my God, that's so freaky! Turn him off!" -Phoebe, when everyone thinks Joey's humming is an appliance noise.

"Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport." -Joey, to Ross, about Ross' manliness.

"Ohhh, good one! And Yemen! That actually sounds like a real country!" -Joey, to Chandler, when Chandler explains about Yemen.

"Joey, trade lives with me!"

"Nope." -Chandler and Joey.

"And is a hum kinda like a scuddle?"

"Ross! They're gonna kill you!" -Ross and Joey, after Joey explains a scrum.

"You're right, you are a tough guy. You're the toughest paleontologist I know." -Rachel, to Ross, again with the manliness.

"Well, maybe that's because you're closer to you. So, you look bigger to you from where you are." -Joey logic.

"Okay, I know what I have to do. I've got to go red Ross. Y'know, red Ross!!" -Ross, explaining red Ross.

"I was showing him some cuff links and I felt his pulse."

"Saucy!" -Rachel and Monica, about Joshua.

"Your friends don't really seem to care too much that you're leaving."

"Well, we're really not that close." -Janice and Chandler, when no one cares he's moving to Yemen.

"I'm red Ross!"

"Dude, if you go back out there, you're going to be dead Ross!" -Ross and Joey, on why Ross needs to stop playing.

"Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel." -Chandler, explaining to Janice how long he'll have to be gone.

"I'm going to Yemen! When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?" -Chandler, really going to Yemen.

Announcement

Sad news. Well, sorta sad, I guess. I'm changing the posting schedule. I can't keep up with posting every week day; I've suddenly found myself with waaaay too much going on. From now on, I'll be posting Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Check back tomorrow for TOW: Joey's Dirty Day.

TOW: Joey's Dirty Day

Joey: is getting ready to go on a fishing trip with his dad. He tells Phoebe the different names of the fishing lures, which make her giggle (the names, not him telling her about them). Joey's excited for the fishing trip, because now, when his dad give him a hard time about his acting career, Joey can tell his dad he's going to be in a movie with Charlton Heston. Joey's not too beat up about leaving Chandler, he's confident he'll be back from the trip for phase 2; the strip club and getting drunk phase. Joey comes home after three days, having had a great time. They only trouble is, Joey smells horrible. He hasn't showered or changed clothes in three days, and, to make matters worse, Joey fell in to the bait cooler at the bait shop. Joey's smell is enough to get Chandler out of his chair. Instead of showering, Joey goes right to his room to memorize his lines for the movie, which he starts shooting the next day. Joey runs out of his room the next morning, he slept late and is now late to work. He doesn't have time to shower, even though he stinks. Joey gets to set, and they're running late. Joey sees Charlton Heston and gets all star struck. A guy working on set notices Joey's smell, which Joey tries to blame on Heston. The worker tells Joey that Heston is the only cast member to have a shower in his dressing room. Heston walks into his dressing room, and someone's using his shower. It's Joey. Heston isn't too pleased, and Joey explains what he's doing there. When Joey says he 'stinks,' Heston thinks he's talking about his acting abilities. Heston gives Joey a pep talk, even though Joey attempts to tell Heston the truth. Heston also scolds Joey for using his shower, and sends him on his way. Joey pouts in Central Perk, not because he was fired, but because he didn't get to go on the strip club adventure with Chandler.

Rachel: helps Joshua find some clothes again. She fawns all over him, and holds his hands while trying to ascertain his glove size. She gets all flustered after this, running into a mannequin torso in her giddiness. Joshua goes into a dressing room, and Mr. Waltham, Rachel's boss, asks Rachel to take his niece, just in from London, to the opera that evening. Rachel distractedly agrees. Joshua comes back from the fitting room, extending his hands for the gloves Rachel was supposed to get for him. She forgot all about the gloves, thinking Joshua wants to hold hands. It's awkward. Joshua then asks her to come to the opening of a club he's invested in. She eagerly says 'yes,' not realizing that she already promised Mr. Waltham to go to the opera with his niece. Josh leaves, but Mr. Waltham comes back in with the opera tickets, and Rachel realizes her mistake. She goes home, telling the gang about her horrible day, hoping that one of them will volunteer to take Emily to the opera. Monica has to work, Phoebe has her morning sickness at night, Chandler won't leave the house, Joey's gone, so Rachel turns to Ross. Ross refuses, but Rachel begs. Emily comes to the door, and Ross finally agrees to go to the opera with Emily. Emily is soaking wet and unhappy; when Rachel tells her there was a change of plans, Emily freaks out. She was strip searched at the airport, almost run down by a hot dog cart, and Rachel didn't bother to call her about the change in plans. Emily storms off, and Rachel runs after her. The next morning, Rachel tells Monica and Phoebe, that going to the club didn't go so well. Her name was wrong on the list, and another woman took her place. Then, someone else in line tried to steal Rachel's umbrella, and Rachel punched her in the face. She never saw Joshua and is miserable. She goes on the strip club adventure, but whines about Joshua the whole time. He hasn't called to figure out why she didn't show up at the club. Before they go to the strip clubs, Ross calls to say he's in Vermont with Emily. Rachel flips out. When Ross comes home, he thanks Rachel for saying they need to move on; he's doing that with Emily. Rachel's furious, even though she tells Ross she's happy for him.

Chandler, Phoebe, and Monica: Chandler's having a horrible time getting over Kathy. Monica doesn't think Joey should go his fishing trip, but Joey informs Monica that Chandler's still in phase 1. Phase 1 means Chandler mopes around home, wearing the same pair of sweats for days on end. Phase 2 is the phase where Chandler will want to go to strip clubs and get drunk. Joey will be back by that phase, which is all that matters. Chandler sits in his recliner, throwing playing cards into a bowl. Everyone but Joey is grouped around him, encouraging him to get up and have fun. Chandler's content in his chair, planning to spend the rest of his life in said chair, wearing the same pair of sweat pants. Joey comes home quite smelly, and his proximity gets Chandler out of the chair. Chandler finally gets up one morning and gets dressed; he's ready for phase 2. Ross calls to say that he's in Vermont with Emily, and won't be home for a few days. Joey's off shooting his movie. Chandler pulls his pants off, revealing his sweats underneath. Monica and Phoebe don't want him to keep wallowing, so they suggest they go to the strip clubs with him. Chandler's not so keen on the idea, and heads back to bed. Phoebe yells at him, telling him that they're going to the strip club. The strip club going is not a success. Phoebe gets in a fight with a dude because he's smoking. All the girls give the strippers and waitresses fashion advice. They're also super encouraging and positive about the dances. When Chandler suggests calling Kathy; Phoebe says it's a good idea, if he thinks it's the right thing to do. Chandler's upset, because that was a test. They're supposed to talk him out of calling his ex's, especially since he'll want to call Janice when he gets really drunk. Chandler's miserable. They get home, the trip having been a failure. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are the reason the hottest waitress is quitting to teach elementary school. Phoebe apologizes, telling Chandler that girls are just really good at listening, so maybe they should talk. Chandler doesn't feel like talking, he only wants to wallow. The girls all start talking about which dancer they found the most attractive. This conversation helps Chandler reach phase 3, where he's picturing himself with other women. Chandler has a dream about Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe with the dancers. The smoker Phoebe got in a fight with is there as well, as 'Joshua.' Rachel doesn't want to go with him, and 'Joshua' starts hitting on Chandler.

Ross: gets roped into taking Rachel's boss' niece to the opera. He doesn't want to, because he'd be helping Rachel go out with Joshua. Rachel tells Ross they need to move on and be happy for one another. Ross decides to take Emily. Emily doesn't make a great first impression, but she and Ross end up hitting it off. Ross calls from a bed and breakfast in Vermont. He and Emily decided to go on the spur of the moment. He tells Monica, who answers, what a great person Emily is; she's really quite nice in dry clothes. Rachel's furious. When Ross comes home, he tells everyone how great Emily is, and how much he likes her. Rachel comes back from the restroom, and Ross thanks her for encouraging him to move on. Rachel hits him on the arm pretty hard.

• Oh, sad Chandler! It may be wrong, but I totally love it.

• The phases 1) wearing the same sweat pants for days; not leaving a certain chair/room/house. 2) going to strip club; drinking copiously. 3) picturing yourself with other people 4) never having a relationship; having sex with strippers and friends.

• I'm so utterly, horribly sick of Joshua and this is only the second episode he's in. Freaking stupid, Joshua.

• Why's he back, anyway? Last episode he says bye, pretty much for, y'know, good. Yet here he is, with his funny pouffy hair and his stupid name.

• Oooo!! Emily!! I love fourth season Emily! She's awesome, y'know, until Ross says the wrong name at their wedding. But up 'til then, she's totally great. Also, I love people with accents.

• Why is throwing playing cards into open objects a popular past time with them? I don't get it, much like the concept of a frozen grape.

• The girls at the strip club is hilarious. Chandler should've known never to agree to that. I'm actually surprised Rachel goes; that really doesn't seem like her thing. Monica likes to do crazy things every once and awhile, and Phoebe's pretty much a loose cannon, but not Rachel.

• I guess it's novel that Charlton Heston's in this one. I'm not a Heston fan, so I don't care much.

• Chandler's dream sequence is amazing. Really. I'm all about Chandler's creation of the smoking guy into Joshua.

• Uh, so I had pictures all ready, and everything, and this morning when I came to post, they were gone. Sadness. And then blogger was down. It's been quite a day, y'all. Sorry for the delay!
  

Oh. My. God.

"You don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...Well, except you." -Chandler, to the gang, when he emerges from his room.

"You're into hardcore S&M, right?" -Joshua, after he asks Rachel to the club opening.

"This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y'know the, 'wouldn't it be great if she was my wife.,' Rachel." -Rachel, on why she wants to go to the club opening and see Joshua.

"No, Chandler's still in phase one, and Joey's that thing you smell." -Monica, to Rachel, when Rachel's looking for someone to take Emily to the opera.

"Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can you?" -Monica, watching Emily through the peephole.

"Apparently to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum!" -Emily, having been strip searched at the airport.

"Yeah, run ten blocks. That'll help the smell." -Monica, to Joey, as he's running late to work.

"But then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her." -Rachel, explaining her night at the club.

"Aww, Pheebs."

"Honey, that's your name."

"That's short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!" -Phoebe and Rachel, having a slight miscommunication.

"Maybe she doesn't hit him all the time." -Chandler, to Rachel, when Ross calls from the B n' B.

"I've gotta go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!" -Ross, also Emily and Monica, during his phone conversation with Monica.

"You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long." -Chandler, when Monica and Phoebe want to be guys and go the strip club.

"Okay, I've got some ones, you wanna put them in her panties?"

"No thanks, Mom!" -Monica and Chandler, at the strip club.

"Put some pants on kid, so I can kick your butt." -Charlton Heston, to Joey.

"And do you know what girls are really good at?"

"Stripping!" -Phoebe and Chandler, after the failed strip club trip.

"Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean, when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh..."

"Phase three! I just achieved phase three!" -Rachel and Chandler.

"Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just wanna have sex with strippers and my friends!!" -Chandler, explaining phase four.

"There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over." -Chandler, comforting Joey after he doesn't get to go to the strip club.

TOW: Rachel's Crush

Rachel: gets demoted at work. Actually, Bloomingdale's eliminated her department, and gave her a job as a personal shopper. Regardless, it's still a huge step down for Rachel, causing her to be quite upset. Rachel calls Monica from work, complaining about her job and planning to quit the next time she sees her boss. She's not actually talking to Monica, though, but the answering machine, so she begs Monica to call her back. Rachel's boss (Paxton Whitehead) walks in, but doesn't have time to talk to her. He also brought in a customer for Rachel to help. Rachel finds the customer, Joshua (Tate Donovan), totally hot. She becomes more interested upon learning that Joshua's buying all new clothes because his ex-wife burned his entire wardrobe, except one suit. When Rachel goes home that evening, she gushes about how great her job is, telling everyone about Joshua. The next day, Rachel comes home from work all sad, because Joshua spent a lot of time in the store, but never asked her out. Joey and Phoebe suggest Rachel just ask Joshua out, but Rachel's never asked a guy out before and doesn't feel comfortable with it. Phoebe says she asks guys out all the time, which helps Rachel build up the courage. She has Joshua's home number, so she calls him. When he answers, Rachel chickens out and asks him if he lost his wallet at the store. It's really stupid, and she's pretty embarrassed. Joey tells Rachel to invite Joshua to something he can't say 'no' to, like a Knicks game. Rachel likes that idea, and buys the tickets. The next day at work, Rachel practices asking Joshua to the game. Joshua comes out of the dressing room, and Rachel drops hints about being single and won't stop touching him. Joshua's satisfied with his shopping experience, preparing to leave for good, when Rachel brings up the tickets. Rachel says they're to thank him for the week, and Josh takes both tickets, one for his nephew. At the apartments, Joey teaches Rachel what she really should have said, and Ross teases her for getting turned down. The next time Rachel works, her boss brings her Joshua's wallet, which he left in the store. Rachel pulls out his driver's license, then gets hers out. She makes the license pictures have a conversation. Then they make-out.

Ross and Chandler: go to see a play Kathy's in. I guess she doesn't tell Chandler anything about it, because he's quite surprised to learn Kathy's playing a prostitute, gets half naked, and simulates sex with her very good looking co-star. After the play, Chandler and Ross tell the others about it in Central Perk. Chandler's freaking out, sure that Nick, the co-star, will try to steal Kathy away from him. Joey assures him that they're just actors, doing their job, and probably aren't together. However, Joey and Ross kinda kill it when they start listing couples who met on movie sets. Obviously, this doesn't make Chandler feel better, so Joey tells him that movie sets and play rehearsals are different. Joey then asks about the quality of the simulated sex. He tells Chandler that if the sex was hot, the co-stars aren't sleeping together; it's when there's no chemistry that the actors are actually having sex. The next morning. Chandler asks Ross to go to the play with him again. Ross is a little uncomfortable, but agrees to go. They wait for Kathy after the play, and Chandler is freaking out. There was absolutely zero chemistry between Kathy and Nick, making Chandler certain they're having sex. When Kathy comes out, Ross warns Chandler not to say anything, but, being Chandler, he just can't help it. Chandler and Kathy get into a fight because he insults the play and her. Then he brings up the fact that Kathy cheated on Joey with Chandler, infuriating Kathy. She stalks off, telling her to call him when he grows up. Chandler comes home completely drunk, telling everyone that Kathy slept with Nick. The next morning, Chandler comes out of his room, wanting to know if Kathy called. She hasn't, making him really upset. Chandler's worried that he assumed too much by thinking Kathy and Nick were sleeping together. He tells the gang his only evidence is Kathy and Nick's lack of chemistry on stage. Joey tells Chandler it was just a theory. Chandler goes by Kathy's apartment to apologize, but she's not exactly thrilled to see him. Chandler walks into her place, and sees Nick's pants hanging on a chair. Chandler goes back to the apartments, telling everyone that Kathy wasn't sleeping with Nick, but is now. Chandler blames himself for not calling Kathy sooner, but Rachel says Kathy shouldn't have hopped into bed with someone else after one fight.

Monica: works at making her and Rachel's new apartment presentable. Joey comes over, immediately going through the fridge for food, but Monica forbids him. She says that now the guys have the bigger place, they have to have everyone over and provide food. This is fair, I suppose, but Monica's a little miffed to go over to Chandler and Joey's one morning to find that Joey's making pancakes, and they have food for everyone. Chandler and Joey then proceed to invite everyone over to watch a game, and Monica gets jealous because she's not the hostess. Monica bakes all kinds of goodies to lure everyone over to her and Rachel's place. She even bought porn for the guys. The plan works out well, until Joey and Ross take the porn and some baked goods, and go back across the hall. Rachel and Phoebe start to leave, too, but Monica stops them by complaining about not being the hostess anymore. She was punishing the guys when she told them they had to entertain and feed everyone, but is done with that now. She wants everyone over, but Rachel and Phoebe point out that their apartment just isn't very nice. Monica decides she has to clean it up. She start at that moment, even going to the lengths of renting a floor polisher, which Rachel mistakes for a vacuum. Monica has some trouble using the polisher, but eventually gets the hang of it. She finally has everyone come over to look what she did to her and Rachel's new place. She spent two days cleaning, even going so far as to pull up the carpet. The place looks great, and everyone wants to hang out there. Monica falls asleep.

Phoebe and Joey: offer everyone their advice on their issues. Joey demonstrates "how you doin" to Phoebe and Rachel. Phoebe asks Monica for her old high school clothes, so Phoebe doesn't have to buy maternity wear.

• Ugh, Joshua. I hate Joshua. I hate that he calls himself Joshua. I hate how Rachel says the name "Joshua."

• Tate Donovan was the voice of Hercules in the Disney version! He also appeared in something called Jesus and Hutch. Read that again: Jesus. and. Hutch. I'm hurt by the mere knowledge that this exists.

• So when the head of a department at Bloomingdale's dies, they just eliminate that department? Alright....

• How does Kathy never mention the plot of the play to Chandler? No, 'oh, by the by, the play I'm in? Yeah, I have fake sex with my gorgeous co-star. Oh, and I almost forgot, I'm half naked.'?

I'm sure she was worried about Chandler's reaction, but you should probably be honest about stuff like that.

• Seriously, what kind of play is she in? What's the plot? Is it just, like, two hours of simulated sex?
  

• Eh, I don't really care about Monica needing to be the hostess. The thing with the floor polisher is funny, but I still don't care.

• Man, it's really depressing that all the couples Ross and Joey list are divorced/ broken up now. The couples were: Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, and Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

• The cookies and porn thing is pretty awesome.

• I'm sad about Kathy and Chandler. I love them together. I also wish that something better had been done with Kathy, instead of having her cheat.
  

I can't help wondering, though, if Kathy really is a serial cheater, or if she'd have remained faithful if Chandler hadn't acted like an idiot.

• Monica rips up the carpet. Two things: 1) wouldn't the landlord/Mr. Treeger have an issue with them taking up the carpet? I'm pretty sure they're renters, not owners. 2) I'm almost positive there's carpet when Chandler and Joey move back in.

• Rachel's up in arms about having to ask Joshua out. But, uh, in TO: After the Superbowl, she makes fun of Monica for not telling Jean-Claude Van Damme she likes him.

The Magna-Doodle says:

"Have you seen our view?"

Oh. My. God.

"That is one good looking man!" -Ross, seeing Nick for the first time.

"Here's your girlfriend's button." -Ross, to Chandler, when Nick rips Kathy's shirt open on stage.

"Yeah, it's like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare, and then charged me thirty-two bucks to see it!" -Chandler, about Kathy's play.

"Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood."

"They're not a couple!" -Phoebe and Ross, while they're listing couples who met on set.

"Y'know what, I don't know how comfortable I am, going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend." -Ross, to Chandler, after Chandler asks him to come to the play again.

"Monica, I'm quitting! I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong, and she didn't even buy it!" -Rachel, to Monica via the answering machine.

"Let me show you my underwear." -Rachel, to Joshua.

"Come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!" -Chandler, to Ross, the second time they see the play.

"Just be cool, don't be...y'know, you." -Ross, to Chandler, on how to act with Kathy.

"I'll tell you what, Chandler, why don't you call me when you grow up!"

"Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon!" -Kathy and Chandler, during their fight.

"Rachel has a new doll."

"Oh, I wish he was a doll, then I could get a Rachel doll and bump them together and make kissey noises." -Phoebe and Rachel, about Joshua.

"Cookies and porn, you're the best mom ever!!!" -Ross, to Monica, when she makes cookies and supplies porn.

"You will all be very happy to hear that Kathy is sleeping with that guy!" -Drunk Chandler.

"Well, I think our second fight is going to be a big one!" -Chandler, to Kathy, after finding Nick's pants.

"I'm saying that she... is a devil woman! Y'know, I mean you think you know someone, and then they turn around and sleep with Nick! Nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man nipples!" -Chandler, after learning Kathy's sleeping with Nick.

"I threw her at his man nipples!" -Chandler, blaming himself.

"Honey, this is not your fault. Just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify her sleeping with someone."

"Well, if--if she thought they were on a break..." -Rachel and Ross.

TOW: the Embryos

Phoebe: has a doctor's appointment to check if it's time to implant the Frank and Alice's embryo. Before she leaves for the appointment, she asks all her friends to wish her luck. Frank, Alice, and Phoebe are all in the examining room, learning that Phoebe's endometrial layer is thick enough for them to implant the embryos. Phoebe's surprised that they're going to implant several embryos, and the doctor explains that they'll implant five. There's only a 25% chance that one of them will attach. Phoebe's can't believe how low the chances are it'll work, but she promises Frank and Alice they'll try as many times as possible. Frank and Alice explain that this is the only chance they have; they're spending all their money on this one try. Phoebe's alone with the embryos. She has a little talk with them, encouraging them to grab on, so Frank and Alice's hopes won't be in vain. She also promises to keep the embryos safe until it's time for them to be born. Phoebe arrives in the middle of the apartment switching debacle. She's sorta oblivious to it all, telling the gang of her fears about not being able to conceive, ruining Frank and Alice's only chance. She takes a pregnancy test, even though nothing's supposed to show up for a few hours. The test is negative, and Phoebe decides to sit upside in one of the chairs to give the embryos some gravitational help. She stays upside down for quite awhile, writing a song for the embryos, and ignoring more of the fights over Monica and Rachel's apartment. Frank and Alice drop by with presents for Phoebe, a lollipop and a pregnancy test. Every girls dream. Anyway, Phoebe agrees to take the test, but warns Frank and Alice not to get their hopes up yet, that the embryos still might need more time. When Phoebe comes out of the bathroom, Chandler, Joey, Ross, Monica, and Rachel, are all arguing. She interrupts to tell them, and Frank and Alice, that she's pregnant. GROUP HUG!!

Chandler, Joey, Monica, Rachel, Ross: At the beginning of the episode, Monica and Rachel are awakened early in the morning by the crowing of a rooster. The noise is coming from Chandler and Joey's; it turns out the chick is male. Monica and Rachel are not happy. Rachel comes home from shopping, shocking Ross because it's only eight in the morning. Rachel was up at six though, because of the rooster, so she had plenty of time to go out and get groceries. Monica comes home shortly after this, and Joey starts teasing her about it being her laundry day, so Monica's wearing granny panties. Monica ignores him, except to say that she's surprised the guys think they know more about Monica and Rachel, than Monica and Rachel know about them. Chandler sets out to prove her wrong by guessing that Rachel's got a half empty box of cookies in her shopping bag. He's right, but Rachel decides it doesn't count because everyone snakes while they shop. The guys say that they'll be able to guess the five remaining items in Rachel's shopping bag. They get six guess, and $10 if they guess correctly. Chandler and Joey guess all the items, though they use all six guesses. Ross is acting as referee during all this. Monica refuses to hand over the money, saying that the test was flawed, and there's no way the guys know more about them. Monica thinks there should be a better test, with personal questions, and a prize of $100 for the winner. Ross is elected to come up with the questions. Ross follows his role dutifully, even forbidding others to touch his game board. The game consists of ten questions for each team, split into various categories, like in Jeopardy. The games starts out good, with Rachel unable to do anything but yell her category choices and answers. The girls are the first to answer incorrectly, and Monica yells at Rachel for getting it wrong. The game ends up being 8 to 9, with the guys winning. The girls have one more question, which they get correct, sending the game into a lightning round. Both teams have thirty seconds to answer five questions; the team who gets the most right, wins. Monica wants to play for more money, and Chandler agrees, making the amount higher. Rachel and Joey aren't quite okay with this, especially when the amount gets higher and higher. Finally, Monica suggests that if the girls win, the guys have to give up the birds. Joey hates that idea, but Chandler's intrigued. He tells Monica if the guys win, they'll get Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel doesn't like this plan, but then the rooster crows and she agrees to it. The guys go first, and get four of the five questions correct. The girls end up losing, because they have no idea what Chandler does for a living. The guys start moving their stuff into Monica and Rachel's. Neither of the girls want to move, and Monica keeps trying to bet Chandler into giving her the apartment back, but Chandler refuses. Rachel thinks she and Monica aren't moving out, that it was just a game, and is shocked to see Chandler and Joey moving in. Monica tells her that they lost and have to move. Monica also blames Rachel for their loss. Rachel finally throws a huge tantrum when she sees Monica packing up all their stuff. Monica goes to win their apartment back, but comes back having lost their mattresses. They all, including Ross, get into a fight over who gets the apartment, and what's fair. They're interrupted by Phoebe announcing her pregnancy. Monica and Rachel move across the hall. While looking for trash bags, they come across a critter in a drawer. They scream. Chandler and Joey bask in their elegant living conditions.

• After three and a half years, Monica finally notices that Rachel's not a morning person. Way to use your observational skills, Monica.

• Oh, I hate being woken up that early by irritating noises. I'm sooo with Rachel on this.

• The items in the grocery bag: apples, diet soda, yogurt, scotch tape, and tortilla chips. Joey incorrectly guesses orange juice.

• The categories: Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's all Relative

• Little known facts: Monica hates pets dressed as humans, Chandler's scared of Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance guy, the Nana that died twice was named Althea, Chandler's TV Guide comes addressed to Ms. Chanandler Bong, Chandler's dad's drag show is called 'Viva Las Gaygas.'

• The girls lightning round answers: Monica was called 'big fat goalie' when she played field hockey, Rachel says her favorite movie is Dangerous Liaisons, but it's really Weekend at Bernie's, Monica once got a pencil stuck in her ear, Monica has 11 kinds of towels.

• The guys lightning round answers: Joey's favorite food is sandwiches (no, really?), Chandler was nineteen when he first touched a girl's boob, Joey had an imaginary friend named Maurice, who was a space cowboy, we have no idea what Chandler does. Transponster seems good enough for me.

• Fans of Friends Scene It should rejoice at all the random, useless information in this post.

• Ha! I love this episode!! It shouldn't be amazing that Monica and Rachel lose their apartment, but it really is.

• Yay, Phoebe's pregnant!!!

• What do Monica and Rachel find in that drawer?? My guess is, it's a cockamouse.

• So, I totally had awesome pictures, but they don't want to upload. Hate.

• Whoo! Two posts in a day!

Oh. My. God.

"It's the chick! She's...going through some changes." -Joey, explaining the rooster.

"Well, I've been up since six thanks to somebody's dumb-ass rooster." -Rachel, to Ross, about went grocery shopping so early in the morning.

"They shouldn't be living in an apartment."

"Yeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around..." -Phoebe and Rachel, on why farm animals shouldn't live with them.

"Oh, they're just gonna, umm, look to see if my endometrial layer is thick."

"Oh, I can, uh, check that for ya." -Phoebe and Chandler, before her doctors appointment.

"Five? Okay, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs?" -Phoebe, learning how many embryos are being implanted.

"Sweetie, now she's a woman, not a gum-ball machine." -Alice, to Frank suggesting the implant 200 embryos.

"The Irish Jig guy?"

"His legs flail about as if independent of his body!" -Joey and Chandler, when Joey learns that Chandler's creeped out by Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

"You're taking a shot with Althea!?" -Chandler, when Joey guesses Monica and Ross' Nana's name.

"Actually, it's Ms. Chanandler Bong." -Chandler, correcting Ross and the girls about the name on his TV Guide.

"What do you have against the duck?! He doesn't make any noise!"

"Well, he gets the other one all riled up." -Joey and Rachel, after deciding both birds should go.

"Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce--transponster!"

"THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!!" -Rachel and Monica, guessing what Chandler's job is.

"This is Frank and Alice's, like, only shot. Like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket." -Phoebe, telling the gang about the slim chance of her becoming pregnant.

"Chanandler Bong, come on, we steal that Tv Guide every week!"

"I KNEW IT!!" -Monica and Chandler, the truth comes out.

"Hey, don't mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop." -Monica, to Phoebe, when Frank and Alice bring her a pregnancy test and lollipop.

"MY SISTER'S HAVING MY BABY!!!" -Frank, after Phoebe learns she's pregnant.