TOW: the Evil Orthodontist

Rachel: goes to lunch with Barry. He takes her to the Russian Tea Room and buys her some Chanel perfume. During lunch Rachel fails to tell Barry to leave her alone, because she has a lot of fun with him. The gang tries to tell her it's a bad idea. Monica convinces her to tell Barry it's over. She goes to see Barry that afternoon and they end up having sex in his orthodontist chair. Rachel feels guilty, especially since Barry is still engaged to Mindy. Rachel tells Monica about the sex and the rest of the group overhears. Mindy calls and asks to come by Central Perk the next day, while Rachel is working. Rachel is worried, sure that Mindy knows about her and Barry. When Mindy (Jennifer Grey) arrives she asks Rachel to be her Maid of Honor; Rachel agrees. Mindy then says she thinks Barry is seeing someone in the city. It comes out that Mindy and Barry were sleeping together while Rachel was engaged to Barry. Rachel tells Mindy that she slept with Barry. Rachel and Mindy confront Barry at his office. Mindy decides she still wants to marry him. Back at the apartment, Rachel tells Monica she's okay with everything; she knows now leaving Barry was the right choice.

Chandler: has a really great first date with a woman named Danielle. He tells the gang he doesn't want to call her, even though he really liked her, because he doesn't want to seem desperate. Phoebe makes him call, but the answering machine picks up and he hangs up. They convince Chandler to leave a message and he has to write a script. He finally leaves the message and is elated with his success. Chandler waits and waits for a call, but never gets one. Monica tells him he should just call her again. Danielle answers, but is on the phone and promises to call Chandler back. Chandler watches the phone some more. Joey comes in to Monica's, saying that he and Chandler's phone is turned off. The group is in Central Perk when Danielle walks in. She came by to see if Chandler was okay because she couldn't get a hold of him. After she leaves, Chandler decides he's not that interested; she had to be really desperate to come all the way down to the coffee shop.

Ross: spends the episode in anguish over the Barry and Rachel thing. He keeps telling Rachel to end it with Barry.

Joey and Monica: At the start of the episode, the gang sees someone watching them through a telescope. Monica is furious someone would invade their privacy that way. Joey makes it his mission to find out who the 'peeper' is. He finds out the name and calls the 'peeper'. The 'peeper' turns out to be a woman named Sidney, who is super nice to everyone, getting out of trouble.

Phoebe: makes Chandler call Danielle the first time.

• As they complain about the person with the telescope, they notice that Ugly Naked Guy has gravity boots. Ah, the joy of hypocrisy. It is a little different though, using a telescope all 'Rear Window' style, as opposed to simply looking out the window. A telescope implies some forethought into the voyeurism, after all.
  

• Barry repulses me on many, many levels.
  

Sex in an orthodontist chair can not be comfortable.

• Joey and Chandler live across the hall from Monica and Rachel. How is the peeper able to look into both apartments? This has bothered me for years. Unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.
  

• The fact that Joey cooks naked surprises me not at all.
  

• Jennifer Grey, sans watermelon and a recognizable nose, plays Mindy.
  

• Mindy is an idiot.
  

• Joey, Chandler, and Ross have a discussion about the best snack food spokesperson.

Mr. Peanut or Mr. Salty

You decide.
(I have never before seen Mr. Salty. Huh.)

Oh. My. God.

"I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaaazy." -Ross, during the snack food discussion.

"I feel violated. And not in a good way." -Chandler, after they first notice the peeper.

"Call her! Stop being so testosterone-y!"
"Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat." -Phoebe and Chandler, regarding calling Danielle.

"Her answering machine?"
"No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up." -Joey and Chandler, still about Danielle.

"He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know, you poke it and all the butter squirts out..."
"Not a good day for birds..." -Rachel and Phoebe.

"That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!" -Monica, referring to Chandler's very short message for Danielle.

"What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that." -Chandler, after learning Joey cooks naked.

"Y' don't think that makes me seem a little..."
"Desperate, needy, pathetic?" -Chandler and Ross, again with calling Danielle.

"You--you had what?"
"Sex in his chair." -Ross and Phoebe, learning about Rachel and Barry.

"It's--it's--it's, uh, a totally different situation! It's--it's apples and oranges! It's--it's orthodontists and lesbia--I gotta go." -Ross, saying that he and Carol are nothing like Rachel and Barry.

"Hell is filled with people like you." -Chandler, to Monica after she mimics a ringing phone.

"Get down?"
"...And boogie!" -Rachel and Chandler, as Joey tries to make them hide from the peeper.

"She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back..."
"Don't you have to pee?"
"S'why I'm dancing." -Chandler and Monica, after Chandler finally talks to Danielle.

"Four letters: "Circle or hoop."
"Ring dammit! Ring!" -Ross and Chandler, doing a crossword puzzle and starring at the phone.

"Mindy, the guy is the devil! He's Satan in a smock!" -Rachel, about Barry.

"And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Aruba." -Rachel, after Mindy decides to go ahead and marry Barry.

"You know he's gay?"
"I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?" -Phoebe and Ross.

TOW: the Monkey gets Away

Ross: listens as Rachel vents about Barry and Mindy being engaged. He thinks he's exactly the sort of guy that Rachel describes as being perfect. He tries to tell her that maybe she should look at someone who's already her friend, but he's interrupted as everyone else walks in. Ross mentions that tomorrow Rachel is going to watch Marcel for him. The next day over pizza, Ross tells Chandler and Joey that he's going to ask Rachel out that night. He has plans that involve wine, and etc...He gets to Monica and Rachel's only to have Rachel tell him she lost his monkey. He's angry and yells at Rachel for being irresponsible and never owning up to making mistakes. He's even more upset when he learns that Rachel called Animal Control, because Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. He and Rachel go around the neighborhood, searching for Marcel. They don't find him, but they see a delivery guy with a crate of banana's. The banana's lead them to Mr. Heckles, who's taken Marcel and dressed him in a tutu. After Marcel is returned, Ross and Rachel finally have their drink. Just as Ross is about to ask Rachel out, they're interrupted.

Rachel: opens the country club newsletter her mom sent her to see Barry and Mindy's engagement announcement. She's pretty upset by it, but she tells Ross it's not because they're getting married, it's because they're getting married and she's alone. She goes on to say that she's no longer completely off men, but is looking for the right one. The next day, she's watching Marcel and they're watching a soap opera together. Rachel realizes that Marcel pooped in Monica's shoe. She empties the poop on Barry and Mindy's wedding announcement, then takes it to the trash shoot. While doing this, she leaves the apartment door open and Marcel runs out. She tells Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler who go around the building looking for him. Rachel calls Animal Control and waits at the apartment to tell Ross what happens. Ross is furious and Rachel feels bad. It gets worse when the Animal Control person, Luisa (Megan Cavanagh), is a girl that went to high school with Rachel and Monica. Luisa hated Rachel. Rachel goes around the neighborhood with Ross and is the first to spot the man with the banana crate. She's able to blackmail Luisa into not taking Marcel. As Ross is about to ask her out, Barry storms into the apartment, saying he still loves her.

Phoebe and Monica: go the movies with Chandler and Joey. It's a chick flick, which they love. They are the first to go to Heckles's apartment and tell him they lost the monkey. They go down to the basement where they spot Marcel. Luisa comes down after them and tries to shoot Marcel with a tranquilizer. Phoebe jumps in front of the dart and gets shot in the ass. She spends the rest of the episode with half of her butt asleep (this is also how Rachel blackmails Luisa). Luisa didn't hate Monica because Monica was fat. Monica shows the gang pictures of her in high school.

Joey and Chandler: hate the movie they see with Phoebe and Monica. They also try to help Ross work up the nerve to ask Rachel out. While searching for Marcel they find two hot girls (literally, as their radiator broke). Chandler wants to help them fix their heating problem instead of search for Marcel, but Joey keeps him on track. Joey had a lot of fun in high school, having lots of sex and partying. Chandler went to an all boy's boarding school.

• Out of all the 'Friends' episodes, this is the one that I've seen the most. I am sooo sick of it.

• I am mildly in love with the skirt Rachel wears through most of this episode.

• Part of me thinks that Ross is a little unreasonable, but another part totally gets how he feels. If someone lost my monkey*, I'd take my frustration out on them, even though I know that's completely illogical. It's not like Rachel intentionally lost the stupid monkey.
  

• I just realized that the actor that plays Mr. Heckles is the same guy from 'Billy Madison' who does the weasel laugh.
  

• Luisa is in 'A League of Their Own.' All I can think of, as soon as I see her, is ,"There's no crying in baseball!!"

• Monica wasn't friends with Luisa in high school and doesn't even remember her. I thought Monica was friends with all the outcasts...Rachel was her only popular friend. I'm actually kinda unclear on why Monica and Rachel were friends in the first place.
  

• Chandler is the one who wants to abandon the monkey search to help the hot girls. That just doesn't compute. It should be Joey who has to be pulled away.
  

• Ugh, Barry.

• There's a really great moment at the beginning where Rachel memorizes Central Perk's tea selection and recites the whole thing to the wrong customer. It totally fits in with the fact that, no matter how hard Rachel tries, she still sorta screws up.
  

*I would never own a monkey. They're disgusting. There's a reason they're illegal, Ross. One word: Ebola.

Oh.My.God.

"Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!"
"Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?" -Rachel and Monica, as Rachel examines her mail.

"Barry who you almost-?"
"Barry who I almost."
"And Mindy, your maid of-?"
"And Mindy, my maid of." -Monica and Rachel, talking about the engagement announcement.

"Whoa, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?" -Ross, discussing relationships with Rachel.

"I meant female nudity, alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking."
"Hugh! Hugh Grant!" -Joey, Monica and Phoebe, about the movie they saw.
For inquiring minds, this is Ed Asner, who played Lou Grant:

Just a slight, slight difference between him and Hugh Grant.

"Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey..."
"I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey." -Ross and Chandler, about Ross making his move on Rachel.

"Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and uh, try to woo her."
"Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used." -Ross and Chandler.

"Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?" -Rachel, finding the monkey poo in Monica's shoe.

"Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room." -Chandler, on where to search for Marcel.

"No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with, like, a pen or a pencil." -Ross, scolding Rachel about losing Marcel.

"Ah, it's not you so much. You, you were fat, you had your own problems. But you? What a bitch." -Luisa, on Monica and Rachel in high school.

"A monkey."
"Yes, have you seen any?" -Joey and Chandler, asking the hot girls about Marcel.

"Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people." -Chandler to Joey, after Joey irritated the hot girls.

"I have no monkey, and a broken foot!" -Ross, after searching the Village for Marcel and kicking a street sign.

"Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea." -Phoebe, having taken an tranquilizer dart to the ass.

"You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat." -Ross, to Rachel after Luisa won't give them Marcel.

"We have got to start locking that door." -Ross, commenting after Barry busts into Monica and Rachel's.

"Eh. I thought that was an alp." -Chandler, looking at Monica's yearbook photos of being in the 'Sound of Music.'

TOW: All the Poker

They play poker. It's a battle of the sexes kinda thing. It all starts when Ross, Chandler, and Joey discuss their latest game in Central Perk and Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe want to know why they never play cards with any women. The guys say they don't know any women who play poker and the girls demand to be taught how. Monica and Ross do their whole, Geller competitiveness thing, which ups the men vs. women poker ante (yeah, yeah, it's lame). The girls lose their first game, and then enlist Monica's Aunt Iris (Beverly Garland) to teach them how to play. After their first lesson, they go to Ross's and play more, losing again. Aunt Iris gives the girls another lesson. The next game is at Monica's where Rachel ends up winning. Oh, and apparently playing Pictionary with Monica is dangerous because she once threw a plate.

The real story for this episode is Ross and Rachel.

Ross: is at Central Perk with Chandler and Rachel is working. Chandler teases Ross about how much he obviously wants Rachel. Ross denies it, but we all know it's a lie. During the poker, Ross is super-competitive and gives Rachel (and Monica and Phoebe) a talk about how, when he plays poker, he's not a nice guy. He and Rachel kind of get into it over his macho posturing, but Ross doesn't back down. The same thing happens in the second game, where Rachel losses the most and Ross teaser her mercilessly. During the final game, Rachel actually beats Ross. The next round, Rachel starts betting irresponsibly and goads Ross into not folding. Ross has the better hand, but allows Rachel to win (she doesn't realize this, of course).

Rachel: sends out tons of resumes at the beginning of the episode (a few typos not withstanding). She gets an interview at Saks to be an Assistant Buyer. The interview goes really well and she's sure she'll get the job. The stuff with Ross and the poker playing is going on at the same time. She's really irritated by how smug Ross acts when he wins. During their last game at Monica's, she wins a hand against Ross and is very excited. She gets the call from Saks about the job. She didn't get it. She starts betting quite a bit of money and everyone folds, but Ross. Rachel reminds him that he's not a nice guy, making him stay in the game. The pot gets up to around seventy bucks before they stop betting. Rachel shows her cards and has a full house; Ross tells her she wins. The girls celebrate, not knowing that Ross is lying and actually had the better hand.

• A few times since the first episode Rachel has said she's qualified for nothing. But she has a college degree, so that can't be true. She has to be qualified for something. I mean, my degree is absolutely worthless in the job market, but having a bachelor's degree I could get a fairly well paying job.
  

• Okay, I'm a girl. I've played poker. More than that, I understand and can win at poker. That's not to say I'll be appearing in the World Series of Poker anytime soon, or anything, but it is a skill that I have. Because of that, I'm kind of irritated by this episode. I'm not an ardent feminist, or whatev, but being a girl doesn't mean you don't have the mental faculties to play poker and to me Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are kind of portrayed as ding-bats.
  

• I hate Ross's giant dragonfly.

I kinda wanna throw it to the floor and watch it break. I don't know why.

• I'm a fan of the cardigan, in a general sort of way.
  

But even Mr. Rogers would object to Phoebe's.

• Ross is such.a.jerk. this episode. I'm not sure if it's the competitive thing or if he's trying to fool himself into thinking he's not interested in Rachel anymore, or both, but jeez. Letting Rachel win to make her happy is really sweet, but doesn't much lessen the asshole factor.

• There are two best.moments. ever. in this episode. I love it when that happens.
  

It's the moment before the opening titles. I never knew this was the Theme from "Bridge on the River Kwai." Then again, I've never seen that movie. I just thought the song was, like, a summer camp thing.

Moment two:



Oh.My.God

"Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for." -Chandler, responding to Rachel wanting to work for "Popular Mechanics."

"Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills."
"Oh my Gooood!! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?"
"Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few." -Ross, Rachel, and Joey, sending out Rachel's resumes.

"Could you want her more?"
"Who?"
"Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening." -Chandler and Ross, about Ross's feelings for Rachel.

"Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep'."
"And then he did." -Ross and Chandler, teasing Joey for crying after losing at poker.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz--." -Joey, complaining about the salmon roulettes and crudites Monica serves.

"Rach, Rach, we gotta settle."
"Settle what?"
"The Jamestown colony of Virginia... You see, King George is giving us the land, so..." -Chandler and Rachel, at the end of their first poker game.

"Yes, and I get my ya-ya's' from Ikea." -Chandler, while Rachel and Ross fight.

"Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black." -Phoebe, calling Monica a hypocrite for saying Ross is competitive.

"Oh, it's like the mother-ship calling you home." Phoebe, after Rachel gets an interview with Saks.

"Um, ok--the--the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?" -Chandler, responding to Rachel's 'guess what?'

"Well, that just leaves the big Green poker machine, who owes fifteen..." -Ross, mocking Rachel, in rhyme.

"Your money's mine, Green."
"Your fly is open, Geller." -Ross and Rachel, during the last poker game.

"Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause...I gotta flush." -Ross. Please shut-up.

"Ahh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face." -Joey.

"Joey, I'm a little shy."
"That's ok, Ross, you can ask me. What?" -Ross and Joey, as Ross tries to ask for money to call Rachel's bet.

TOW: Two Parts, Part 2

Monica and Rachel: The last time we saw Rachel, she was hanging off the balcony on a strand of Christmas lights. Part 2 opens with Monica helping Rachel at the hospital. Monica is filling out the forms for Rachel when she learns that Rachel has no insurance and can't really pay for the visit. Rachel asks if she can just use Monica's insurance. Monica is reluctant, that being insurance fraud, but she eventually agrees. For hospital purposes, Rachel is Monica and Monica is Rachel. They meet two cute doctors, Michael and Jeffery (George Clooney and Noah Wyle!!), who know them by their newly assumed names. They invite Michael and Jeffery to the apartment for drinks; the two doctors are nervous because they haven't had much luck with women they met at the hospital. Monica and Rachel get into a fight because Rachel thinks they should come clean about the insurance thing, but Monica thinks it's a horrible idea. Rachel and Monica, still with identities switched, bring up the worst things about each other in front of the doctors. The next morning the hospital calls and says there was a problem with 'Monica's' forms; she forgot to sign one of them. Monica and Rachel go to the hospital and Rachel fills out a new set of forms as herself, paying the bill with a check.

Ross: is dealing with his realization that he's going to be a father. He has dinner with his dad, asking Mr. Geller when he first felt like a father. Mr. Geller tells Ross that it was when Ross first grabbed his finger the day after Ross was born. Ross is playing Scrabble with Chandler when he realizes that some letter tiles are missing. Marcel starts making gagging noises and Ross realizes Marcel ate the missing tile. They (Ross and Chandler) rush Marcel to the hospital, where the George Clooney doctor offers to take a look at him. Ross sits with Marcel after the tile extraction, but still does not feel like a father. Marcel wakes up and grabs Ross's finger, finally making Ross feel like a dad.

Joey: still dates Ursula. He makes plans to take her to the Rainbow Room for her birthday, blowing off Phoebe's party. Ursula stands him up and stops returning his calls. Joey is sad.

Phoebe: doesn't like that Joey is still dating Ursula. At her surprise party she notices that Joey isn't there and knows that he's with her sister. When Ursula stops seeing Joey, Phoebe is not surprised, but she's upset for Joey. She goes to Riff's to talk to Ursula about Joey. Phoebe and Ursula exchange gifts; Ursula give Phoebe the sweater Joey bought for her. Ursula tells Phoebe she's not going to tell Joey it's over. Phoebe goes into Central Perk in the sweater Joey bought Ursula, pretending to be her sister. Phoebe as Ursula breaks up with Joey. They kiss and Joey realizes it's not Ursula, but Phoebe.

Chandler: plays lots of Scrabble. He also helps Ross deal with his not-feeling-like-a-dad issues.

• Boy, there are a lot of identity switches in this episode. It's like reading a more complicated 'Sweet Valley' book. Monica and Rachel's switch is highly amusing, though I don't recommend committing insurance fraud.

• Oh my God, I love George Clooney.
  

This is the best picture I can find. You'd think there'd be more.

• The whole insurance fraud thing is really, really stupid. Like, it makes my cringe it's such a bad idea.
  

• I really hate Scrabble. I hate monkeys, too. This episode almost gets rid of two with one stone...or, one Scrabble tile, as it were.
  

• How does Riff's get any business if the service is so bad? The mind boggles. Is the horrible service a shtick? And wouldn't people get tired of it after awhile? The food has to be out-of-this-world.

• This is a horrible tie.
  

And Ross kinda looks like this guy:

• When Phoebe comes into Central Perk as Ursula, Joey is doing "she loves me, she loves me not" with a flower. That is so not a Joey thing to do. But adorable.
  

• Ross and Chandler go to the hospital with Marcel, not realizing that Monica and Rachel are there. This happens.

I love.

• Phoebe breaking up with Joey as Ursula is the sweetest thing. Joey thinks so, too, which is good because he's kind of a jerk about dating Ursula.

• Throughout the two parts, Monica and Rachel's tv has been stuck on Spanish. The little tidbit at the end is dubbed in Spanish. Ugly Naked Guy gets a hula hoop!

Oh.My.God

"Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us. And so, I, uh--I just heave it downfield."
"What, Are you crazy? That's a baby!" -Ross and Chandler, as Ross tells about his baby-as-football dream.

"Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit." -Chandler, talking to Joey about Phoebe's party.

"What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me." -Ross, getting Phoebe's "Surprise!" at her party.

"I got a lemon shmush." -Ross, after dropping Phoebe's cake.

"Would you relax? Look around. Noooo pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine." -Dr. Mitchell (George Clooney!), on Monica and Rachel.

"God bless the chickpea." -Dr. Mitchell, trying to break the tension between Monica and Rachel.

"I use my breasts to get other people's attention."
"We both do that." -Rachel and Monica, during their switched identity fight.

"You know, um, he's really nutsy about you."
"He is? Why?"
"You got me." -Phoebe and Ursula, about Joey.

"No food with a face." -Phoebe, after Ursula offers her chicken.

"No, no, you got zero points for 'idney'." -Chandler, playing Scrabble with Ross.

"The doctor got the 'k' out. He also found an 'm' and an 'o'."
"We think he was trying to spell out 'monkey'." -Ross and Chandler, after Marcel eats Scrabble tiles.

TOW: Two Parts, Part 1

Chandler: has to fire someone because the WENUS is out of whack. That someone is Nina (Jennifer Grant) the Bookbinder, whom Chandler has a crush on. Due to the crush, Chandler doesn't fire her, but asks her on a date. He never mentions that she's been fired. Things work out fine until Chandler's boss walks in on him and Nina in Chandler's office. The boss asks Chandler why Nina is still there and Chandler tells him that Nina has a psychiatric problem and does not remember being fired in the first place. Chandler says he wants to wait to fire her again until she's more stable. Nina comes to ask Chandler why people keep taking her scissors. His lies unravel and Nina learns the truth. She attacks his hand with a stapler.

Ross: has discipline problems with Marcel. He goes to Lamaze classes with Carol and Susan. There's awkwardness with trying to explain relationships, Susan and Ross fight a little. Carol can't make it to the class one day and Susan and Ross must do the lesson themselves. After watching a birthing video, Carol decides she doesn't want to go through with the birth. In comforting her, Susan mentions they're going to be parents and it finally hits Ross he's going to be a father. Ross is worried he won't be any good at it because he's not very good with Marcel.

Joey: eats at Riff's with Chandler, where they meet Phoebe's twin sister, Ursula. Joey is attracted to Ursula and goes back to Riff's to see her. Ursula and Joey start dating; Joey really likes Ursula. Phoebe is concerned about his relationship with Ursula, but Joey doesn't really pay attention to Phoebe's worries. Joey and Ursula have sex at the end of the episode.

Phoebe: tells Joey that she doesn't mind if he dates Ursula, but it's clear that she does. At Central Perk she's mistaken for Ursula by some Riff's patrons (Helen Hunt and Leila Kenzle...I think, from 'Mad About You'). Joey buys a birthday sweater for Ursula and asks Phoebe to try it on. Phoebe tells Joey she's not happy about him dating Ursula. Joey likes Ursula so much by this point, he disregards Phoebe's feelings. Phoebe asks if Joey and Ursula have had sex, but they hadn't yet. At Monica's, they flip the t.v. to a show with sisters and Phoebe asks them to turn it off. They all (except Joey) talk about Phoebe's feelings. It comes out that she's afraid Ursula will break Joey's heart, ruining Phoebe's friendship with Joey. The gang tells her to tell Joey what she just told them. She goes across the hall and Ursula answers the door, wearing nothing but a button-down shirt.

Rachel and Monica: are sorta fighting because Rachel hasn't taken the Christmas lights off the balcony yet. At the end of the episode, Rachel goes out to take the lights down and falls off the balcony. Her leg gets wrapped in the string of lights, keeping her from reaching the ground.

• This is a crossover episode with 'Mad About You.' Sort of. Lisa Kudrow played Ursula on 'Mad About You' before being cast as Phoebe. It's a good way to join the two shows, though, since Lisa Kudrow continued appearing on 'Mad About You.' I never watched 'Mad About You,' so I'm not really an authority on things that happened on that show.
• I can't find a picture of this, but Monica's hair is very Tracy Turnblad at the beginning of this episode. I kinda wish this was a fat-Monica episode; it'd be perfect.
  

• So, the Christmas lights aren't there in TOW: the Stoned Guy.

• Susan looks like she just walked out of the Salem Witch Trials.
  

• Monica knits and Chandler and Rachel hold her yarn. I'm pretty sure this is the only time Monica knits, ever. It's pretty sad that Chandler and Rachel have time to sit around and hold Monica's yarn.
  

• Chandler meets Leatherstocking. James Fenimore Cooper would be proud.
  

• I don't really think that stapling someone's hand is the way to go about defending your sanity.
  

• I'm not overly impressed by part 1. It's a bit...lackluster. It's moderately funny and some stuff happens, but I really don't see why this had to be a two-parter. Not much happens with Ross at Lamaze class until they see the birthing video; a lot of Ross's stuff could've been cut, I think.

• Sometimes Nina's last name is listed as "Bookbinder" but other times she's listed as"Nina the Bookbinder." I don't know.
  

• The 'S' in the WENUS acronym changes meaning! Instead of 'Systems' it's 'Statistics.' I guess the writers realized 'Systems' didn't make much sense.
  

Oh. My. God.

"This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now." -Chandler, waiting to be served at Riff's.

"I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control." -Ross, complaining about Marcel.

"You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore." -Chandler, after discussing the physical differences between Ursula and Phoebe with Joey.

"So, twins. Huh, that's like two births. Ouch." -Ross, deflecting attention from himself, Carol, and Susan at Lamaze class.

"Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack."
"Your--Excuse me?"
"WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics."
"Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS." -Chandler and Nina, talking about the WENUS.

"It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies." -Mr. Douglas, Chandler's boss on the Annual Net Usage Statistics.

"Y'know, once your inside, you don't have to knock anymore." -Chandler, responding to a knock on the door after Joey comes in.

"Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of 'capade." -Chandler, learning that Joey is taking Ursula to the Ice-Capades.

"Knit, good woman! Knit, Knit!" -Chandler to Monica, as Phoebe and Joey argue.

"What do you know? No one's come up to you and said, 'Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it'?!?!" -Carol, after seeing the birthing video. Also, why I will never have children.

"Y'know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different." -Chandler, as Ross compares Marcel to his unborn son.



Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow!!!

TOW: the Stoned Guy

Chandler: gets offered a job as 'processing supervisor.' He comes to Central Perk and tells the gang he quit his job because he didn't want to do...whatever it is he does (data input?) forever. He goes to a career counselor and after eight hours of tests learns he's suited to do exactly what he'd been doing. Chandler doesn't like this news; he hoped to learn he was destined for something better. Chandler's old boss, Al, keeps calling and making him better offers to take the processing supervisor job. Chandler eventually takes the job and is pleased with his big office, intercom, and assistant. At the end of the episode, he's working late and worrying about the WENUS, while the gang wants to go out to a movie.

Ross: starts dating the 'curator of insects' for the museum, Celia. Joey convinces Ross that she'll love Marcel, but she does not. Celia asks Ross to talk dirty to her and he fails. He goes to Joey for dirty talking advice. Joey has Ross practice on him and Chandler walks in. The practice helps, though, because Ross is able to dirty talk really well on his next date with Celia. They don't have sex because Ross's dirty talk scenario lasts so long they're both tired.

Monica: learns that one of Phoebe's massage clients, Steve (John Lovitz), wants to open a restaurant and is looking for a head chef. She has a great first meeting with Steve and sets up a time for her to make dinner for him, as a sort of audition. Rachel and Phoebe are in attendance the night of the dinner. Steve is really strange, scarfing down food and going through Monica's cabinets. Rachel lets Monica know that Steve is high. The night culminates with a trip to the ER after Steve eats a kitchen magnet. Monica is disappointed that her chance at becoming a head chef didn't work out.

Phoebe: tells Monica about the job opportunity with Steve. Monica wants Phoebe to be at the dinner to make 'yummy noises'. Phoebe takes a cab with Steve over to Monica's for the dinner. On the way, Steve smokes some pot. Phoebe is able to warn Rachel, but not Monica. The next time Steve comes to the massage parlor, Phoebe is really rough with him (hehehehe).

Rachel: is upset when she learns that Monica hired a girl from the restaurant she works at to waitress, instead of Rachel. When the other waitress backs out Rachel is reluctant to step in until Monica offers to pay her 20 bucks an hour. Rachel has to do a little charade thing to tell Monica that Steve is high.

Joey: helps Ross by giving him a lesson in dirty talking.

• Ah, the WENUS. In case you were wondering that's, Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. Is it just me or do none of those words make sense when put together?

• If I was Chandler, I'd be happy that I wasn't the curator of insects for a museum.
  

• I'm just going to let this speak for itself.

First, really, Ross? Neil Diamond? Seriously? Now I can't get 'Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon,' out of my head. Thanks for that.

Matt LeBlanc looks like he's about to lose it after Chandler walks out. For some reason, I'm always tickled when actors crack themselves up.

I think that Ross is wearing the same shirt here as he is in the beginning of the episode.

• JOHN LOVITZ!!!
  

Here we have the unexplainable phenomenon where I see an actor and get so excited for absolutely no reason. I don't much like John Lovitz, I sorta think he's a creep, but every time I see him in something my brain shrieks JOHN LOVITZ!!!!

Oh. My. God.

"The WENUS?"
"Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term."
"Oh...that WENUS." Rachel and Chandler, about why Chandler quit his job.

'Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream."
"Ah, the lesser-known 'I don't have a dream' speech." -Chandler and Ross.

"Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I might introduce her to my monkey."
"And he's not speaking metaphorically." -Ross and Chandler, about Ross's upcoming date with Celia.

"It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amuse-bouche."
"Well...it is amuse-ing." -Monica and Chandler, taste-testing Monica's cooking.

"Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!!!" -Joey, during the dirty talk lessons.

"Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?"
"Ok, Ok. I'm with you Cheech." -Phoebe and Rachel, after Steve gets high.

"Well, slap my ass and call me Judy!" -Steve, enjoying an amuse-bouche.

"Ah, cool! Taco shells!! Y'know, these are...they're like a little corn envelope." -Steve, going through Monica's cabinets. Also, my reaction to taco shells.

"Yes, Fran, I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!" -Chandler, at work.

TOW: the Candy Hearts

Valentine's Day!!!

Ross-hangs out in Central Perk with Chandler and Joey on Valentine's Day Eve. While there, he sees an attractive woman that lives in his building, Kristen. He borrowed an egg from her once and Joey suggests that he give her an egg back as a conversation starter. Ross gets a date for Valentine's Day. He and Kristen go to a sushi restaurant for dinner. They have a pretty awkward date, which only gets worse when Carol and Susan come in. Susan is called away for her job and Ross feels bad for Carol. He invites Carol to eat with him and Kristen. Kristen ends up leaving. Ross talks to Carol about getting back together because they were so good together. Carol says no, telling Ross he just needs to find a woman who likes men.

Chandler- gets roped into going on a double date with Joey on Valentine's Day Eve. Chandler's date turns out to be Janice. Joey ducks out early with his date, leaving his credit card with Chandler and Janice. Chandler takes advantage of the card, buying lots of alcohol for he and Janice. The next morning Chandler wakes to find Janice in bed with him. She thinks they're back together. Chandler is forced to break up with her on Valentine's Day. She's also brought him special candy hearts that say "Chan and Jan 4ever." Janice tells him the breakup is okay, because she knows he loves her.

Monica, Phoebe, Rachel- don't have dates for Valentine's Day. Instead, they decide to do a cleansing ritual to break the bad boyfriend cycle. They burn their ex's stuff. Rachel pours Paolo's grappa into their small fire and it gets out of control. They call the fire department and are embarrassed when the firemen know they were burning their ex-boyfriends things. They flirt with the firemen and ask them out. The firemen agree and the girls think the ritual worked. As the firemen leave the audience learns they're married.

Joey- finally gets a date with Lorraine, a girl he's been after for awhile. The only catch is, Joey has to bring someone along for Lorraine's needy friend. Joey gets Chandler to come with him and the friend turns out to be Janice. During dinner, Lorraine is all over Joey and they leave early due to the promise of slathering. Chandler is mad at being left with Janice, especially after they end up sleeping together. Joey stays with Chandler as he breaks up with Janice.

• I really like the egg thing. It's pretty sweet, I think.

• Look at all of Janice's gold jewelry!!!

Cash 4 Gold was created with her in mind.

• I didn't know Joey had a credit card! I thought Chandler always paid for everything. He'll probably end up paying for all the charges anyway, so what's the point of pretending?

• As Janice is leaving Chandler and Joey's, Monica sees her. Monica has Rachel come out and see, Joey comes home, and Monica calls Ross. What about Phoebe? She really is the last to know.

Hehehehe, I love this picture. And Rachel's pj's.

• I think Ross's thing about how much a dog ages on a cross-continental flight is witty. I'm a nerd.
  

• Susan is some kind of photographer, or maybe, like, an ad. executive, or something. I didn't realize they had emergencies that required pagers and needing to be at the studio at a moments notice.
  

• Carol is admirably sweet with Ross. I like that they're able to have a conversation about getting back together, as unrealistic as that is, without fighting or being mean.

I've always wondered if the mushroom-on-forehead thing was an accident.

• The one firefighter has, like, Rod Blagojevich hair. It's weird.
  

Oh. My. God.

"She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend."
"Think it'll work.?"
"No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg." -Chandler and Joey, about Ross's egg.

"But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do." -Monica, telling Phoebe she shouldn't go out with Roger on Valentine's Day.

"Can you stop yelling'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous." -Joey, in the men's room with Chandler, being scolded about Janice.

"Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks." -Phoebe, discussing what a cleansing ritual entails.

"She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely wanna be a part of it." -Joey, bailing on Chandler.

"The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her...close personal friend." -Ross, explaining to his date who Carol and Susan are.

"Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man."
"Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place." -Phoebe and Rachel, during the cleansing ritual.

"And, Kristin--Kristin--does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!" -Ross trying to introduce his date to Carol.

"You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Jan-ICE, Jan-ICE. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it." -Janice, saying good-bye.

TOW: the Boobies

Joey: is visited by his father, Joey Sr (Robert Costanzo). Joey Sr. is on the phone, saying romantic things. Joey assumes it's his mom and takes the phone from his dad. Joey learns that his dad has a mistress, Ronnie (Lee Garlington), a pet mortician. They've been together six years. Joey is furious. He and Chandler leave Monica and Rachel's one night to find a woman waiting outside their apartment. It's the mistress, looking for Joey Sr. Ronnie ends up staying over; Joey makes his father and Ronnie sleep in separate rooms, with he and Chandler taking the couch. Before bed, Joey tells his dad to end it with Ronnie or tell his mom what's going on. Joey tells Chandler he's worried he'll end up being like his father, but Chandler reassures him. The next day Joey's mom (Brenda Vaccaro) comes to visit. She tells Joey she was happy with the way things were; she knew about the affair, but was ignoring it. In the end, Joey butts out and his dad continues seeing Ronnie and his mom continues pretending it isn't happening.

Phoebe: dates a psychiatrist, Roger (Fisher Stevens). Phoebe really likes him and the gang seems to really like him, too. That is until Roger starts psychoanalyzing everyone. The gang starts to really hate Roger and they tell Phoebe how they feel. Phoebe talks to Roger about it. Roger responds by criticizing the group. Phoebe breaks up with him.

Chandler: goes to Monica and Rachel's one morning, raiding their refrigerator. Rachel comes out from a shower, wearing only a towel. Chandler sees her boobies. Chandler is Roger's first victim; Roger tells him he uses humor to create distance with people.

Rachel: walks out of the shower and drops her towel when Chandler scares her. She's a little mad at him for seeing her boobies. Ross suggests that she'd feel better if she got to see Chandler's thing. Ronnie tells Rachel that Chandler is in the shower and Rachel goes into Chandler and Joey's bathroom, expecting to see naked Chandler, but it's Joey. Rachel tells Roger a traumatic story about Weebels being given away.

Ross: is told by Roger that he married Carol because he wanted his marriage to fail. Roger also says Ross may have married a lesbian to make up for over shadowing a sibling. Ross is not happy thinking that he subconsciously knew that Carol was a lesbian and married her to make Monica look better to their parents.

Monica: is equally upset by Roger's psychoanalysis. She eats cookies to make herself feel better. Joey walks in on her in the shower, thinking it's Rachel. Monica tries to walk in on Joey as pay-back, but walks in on Joey Sr. instead.

• Here's a more concise breakdown of all the nakedness. Chandler sees Rachel. Rachel sees Joey. Joey sees Monica. Monica sees Joey Sr.
  

• I'm honestly surprised that they haven't all seen each other naked before this point. I mean, with all the times Joey and Chandler walk in unannounced. And in the flashback episode, of how they all met, Joey takes his clothes off when Monica fixes him lemonade.
  

• I hate Fisher Stevens.

It's an irrational sort of hate. I have no reason to dislike him. I just do. Doesn't he just--just look irritating?

• This is Ronnie and Joey Sr. :
  

Joey Sr. reminds me of Danny DeVito. I can't even bring myself to talk about Ronnie's clothes. Are--are those stirrup-pants?? With cowboy boots??? I love this picture, btw, it looks like Ronnie is about to beat the crap out of Joey Sr.

• I would not stay with my husband if he had a mistress. I'm not sure if it's admirable or stupid that Joey's mom is willing to overlook it. Granted, that's probably a little heavy for a 'Friends' episode. I'm just sayin.' I do like this storyline, though. It gives Joey a chance to be mature. And it shows that there's a heart under the womanizing exterior.
  

Oh.My.God.


"That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your...nipular areas." -Chandler, after seeing Rachel's boobies.

"It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts." -Chandler, explaining the boobie incident to Ross.

"Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice." -Rachel, disliking Chandler saying her boobies were only nice.

"Alright, alright. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee." -Ross, attempting to resolve the boobie incident between Rachel and Chandler.

"C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat."
"Well, I'm not showing you my 'tat'." -Rachel and Chandler, over whether she gets to see his 'pee-pee.'

"Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!" -Ross, after Roger's psychoanalysis.

"Oh look, it's the woman we ordered." -Chandler, finding Ronnie outside their apartment.

"Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip." -Chandler, after Ronnie offers a Cheese Nip.

"I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!" -Joey, after having a talk with his dad.

"I've been thinking. Y' know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls..."
"Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?" -Joey and Chandler.

"If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom." -Chandler on his future.

TOW: the Dozen Lasagnas

Monica: makes a dozen lasagnas for her Aunt Silvia, only Aunt Silvia doesn't want them because they're not vegetarian. Monica is stuck with all the lasagnas. She gifts the lasagnas to anyone she can. She has a lot of fun with Chandler and Joey's new Foosball table, but she is extra competitive and really cocky about winning. At the end, Chandler and Joey have to carry her out of their apartment because she will not leave.

Phoebe: is a masseuse. She's working one day when Paolo comes in for a massage. He unselfconsciously disrobes, but Phoebe quickly covers him up. The scene cuts away and the next time we see Phoebe she comes into Central Perk in a very bad mood. She tells the gang, except Rachel, who is waitressing, that Paolo hit on her during the massage. At Ross's prompting, Phoebe decides to tell Rachel what happened. Phoebe makes cookies and tells Rachel what Paolo did.

Rachel: is planning a trip to the Poconos with Paolo. She's really excited about the trip and is developing stronger feelings for him. Phoebe comes over and brings her oatmeal cookies. Rachel learns about what Paolo did. She's not angry at Phoebe, but is hurt and furious with Paolo. Rachel throws Paolo's clothes off their balcony and breaks up with him. She stays on the balcony, being sad, and Ross comes out to talk to her. She says she wants to stay away from men for awhile. While Ross is attempting to convince her not to swear off men, Rachel accidentally tells him the sex of the baby.

Ross: makes a point of being incredibly disgusted whenever Paolo is around or mentioned. He's been reading pregnancy literature to be able to help Carol. He has to take the books back to Carol and Susan and while at their apartment he learns that Carol had a doctors appointment and knows the sex of the baby. Ross doesn't want to know, but he's still curious and has to continually stop himself from asking what the sex is. The gang all know the sex, but Ross still doesn't want to know. When Paolo hits on Phoebe, Ross encourages Phoebe to tell Rachel. Chandler and Joey convince Ross to go comfort Rachel after the break-up with Paolo. While telling Rachel not to swear off men all together, Rachel lets slip that the baby is a boy.

Chandler and Joey: break their kitchen table. They go shopping for a new table, a big step in their roommate relationship. Joey is a little jealous of Chandler's old roommate, Kip. They go to the table store and argue about what kind of table they want. They end up getting a Foosball table. They play several games with Monica and Ross and with Monica solo. Monica always wins and they don't much enjoy playing with her after awhile.

• Joey does this little your-baby-is-tiny-and-this-is-what-he-sounds-like thing with Ross and is so adorable. I'm not all about Joey, but in this instance I want to, like, fluff his hair and pinch his cheeks.

So cute.

• Ugly Naked Guy makes shadow puppets!!!
  

• Chandler and Joey still have houseplants. How are they alive? Chandler and Joey can't even keep a table in one piece and we're supposed to think they can care for plants? I don't think so.
  

• Okay, seriously, where the eff does Paolo live? In TOW: the Blackout I thought he was supposed to live in the building. I mean if not, why is his cat in their apartment building and why is Paolo wondering around their building in the dark? Cause that's not creepy. But in this episode, Rachel has to wait a fair amount of time for him to come over. I'm confused.
  

• I like that Phoebe just rolls Paolo right off the massage table when he cops a feel. Yay, Phoebe!
  

I hate Paolo.

• I'm glad that the writers didn't make Phoebe and Rachel fight about the Paolo thing. If they had fought about it, I'd have lost my respect for the characters. Paolo really isn't worth it.

• Ross really has a problem with these giant necked sweaters. I kind of hate them. I can let the unfortunate sweater choice go, though, because of how sweet he is when he talks to Rachel.

• Any sort of sing-a-long, or in this case, hum-a-long, makes my life. This goes firmly in the 'best moment ever' category.
  

I am currently irritating everyone in my immediate vicinity with constant repetitions of the 'Odd Couple Theme.' Seriously, this is the most totally awesome thing ever. I fully support randomly breaking into song, or, uh, hum.

Oh. My. God.

"Ooh, this is cool. It says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta."
"And, we're done with the yogurt." -Phoebe and Chandler, reading Ross's baby books.

"How come you don't live with Mommy? How come Mommy lives with that other lady? What's a lesbian?" -Joey, pretending to be Ross's baby.

"Don't you want to know about the sex?"
"The sex? Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya..." Carol and Ross, having a misunderstanding discussing the sex of the baby.

"Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio."
"You knew about that?"
"Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination." -Chandler and Joey, discussing the broken table.

"I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!"
"Or an uncle..." -Monica and Joey, talking about Ross's baby.

"All right, you know Paolo?"
"I'm familiar with his work, yes..." -Phoebe and Ross.

"Oh, boy scouts could've camped under there." -Phoebe, describing her encounter with Paolo.

"So what, like people are gonna come in and think, 'Uh-oh, I'm outside again?'" -Joey, wondering why he and Chandler can't buy patio furniture for their kitchen table.

"Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!" -Chandler, debating the merits of birds over lady bugs as furniture decor.

"Oh, but he was my pig man..." -Rachel, talking to Phoebe about Paolo.

"Ok, that's either, 'How could you?' or 'Enormous breasts!'" -Monica, interpreting the gestures Rachel's making to Paolo.

"And that would be a shut-down!"
"Shut-OUT!!!" -Monica, Joey and Chandler, playing Foosball.

TOW: Mrs. Bing

Monica and Phoebe: are at a newsstand when they see an attractive guy. Phoebe convinces Monica to whistle at him. When Monica does, the guy looks up and is hit by an ambulance. Phoebe and Monica visit 'Coma Guy' in the hospital and take care of him. They start fighting over him because they each start visiting the hospital separately. Phoebe is performing a song about the guy in Central Perk and Monica sneaks out to visit him. Phoebe chases after Monica. When they get to the hospital the guy is awake, but not as gracious as Phoebe and Monica expected. They're angry at him and leave the hospital as friends again.

Ross: is upset when Paolo comes back from Rome. Paolo and Rachel are all over each other and Ross is jealous. He drinks too much tequila at dinner with Chandler's mom (Morgan Fairchild) because of Paolo and Rachel. Ross goes to the restroom and when he exits Mrs. Bing is using the pay phone. They talk about Rachel and Paolo and how Paolo is a secondary character, but Ross is the hero. They end up kissing. Joey catches them, but d0esn't tell Chandler. Ross tries to convince Joey to never tell, but Joey doesn't agree. Ross first tells Chandler that Paolo kissed his mom, but then confesses he kissed Mrs. Bing. Chandler won't talk to him, but Ross tries to apologize. Ross attempts to make Chandler see that there were two people involved in the kiss and he should be mad at both. Ross and Chandler make up after Chandler talks to his mom.

Chandler: is not happy when he learns his mom is coming for a visit. Mrs. Bing ) is a romance novel author and appears on' The Tonight Show' to promote her book. She's over the top and very open about her sexuality, making Chandler incredibly uncomfortable. The group, and Mrs. Bing, go to dinner at a Mexican restaurant where they drink lots of tequila. Chandler notices that Joey and Ross are being weird, but does not know why, until Ross confesses he kissed Chandler's mom. Chandler is angry with Ross, but not as angry with his mom. Chandler finally confronts his mom about her behavior and feels better, forgiving Ross.

Joey: goes to the bathroom at dinner and sees Ross and Mrs. Bing kiss. He doesn't tell Chandler, but he thinks that Ross should confess. He gets upset when Ross says that Mrs. Bing isn't like a regular mom because she's hot. Joey wants to know why his mom isn't hot and tries to convince Ross for the rest of the episode that she was attractive in her day.

Rachel: spends most of the episode making out with or being licked by Paolo. She loves Mrs. Bing's books and decides to write her own. She hands out copies of the last chapter for everyone to read. There are a lot of typos in the manuscript and everyone makes fun of her. She takes the copies back.

• Let's take a moment to admire Phoebe's 'Blossom' Hat

Monica's hat is pretty epic, but Phoebe's is in a class all its own.

• I guess if you had to get hit by a car, an ambulance is the right vehicle for the job.
  

• I'm not sure how I feel about the hotness of Coma Guy. Here he kinda looks like Cary Elwes. 'Princess Bride' era Cary Elwes, not 'Saw' era.
  

But sometimes, especially in the coma and after he wakes up, he reminds me of Willem Dafoe.

• I for one think Nora Bing is freakin' awesome. She writes a book called 'Mistress Bitch' for christ's sake! What's not to love? Also, if that book really existed, I'd totally buy it.

• Monica and Phoebe's storyline is a little, ummm, boring and dumb. I'm just really not in to them fighting over this guy that neither of them know. Maybe if I found coma guy more attractive I'd understand, but as it is, this part of the episode makes me all 'eh.'
  

• I'll admit to occasionally having the mentality of a twelve year old boy when it comes to dirty things. I still giggle when people say sixty-nine, after all, but Rachel's typos in her book make my flippin' day.
  

• Chandler's mom:
  

• I still want to know why Mrs. Bing was arrested. They never say. It has something to do with sex and Kung Pow Chicken....ah, the endless possibilities.
  

Oh. My. God

"Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn around and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'? -Monica, after Coma Guy was hit by the ambulance.

"Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?" -Chandler, after learning about Coma Guy

"When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?"
"Last night."
"Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?...Just a dream I had-but, phew." -Ross and Monica.

"Your mom was arrested?"
"Shh, busy beaming with pride." -Phoebe and Chandler, watching Mrs. Bing on 'The Tonight Show.'

"Oh no, I'm a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms."
"...And then he burst into flames." -Mrs. Bing and Chandler.

"Uhhh, I'll just pee in the street." -Joey, seeing Ross and Mrs. Bing kissing on his way to the bathroom.

"He's not even wearing a jockstrap!"
"What did I ask?" -Joey and Monica, as Joey and Ross are trying to hide what they're talking about after Ross kisses Mrs. Bing.

"Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?" -Rachel, asking for Monica's advice on her romance novel

"Because it's complicated, it's complex-Hey, you kissed my mom!"
"We're rehearsing a Greek play." -Chandler and Ross, arguing in Central Perk.

"You kissed my best Ross!" -Chandler, confronting his mom.

"Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door." -Ross, finding Joey eavesdropping.

"Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her 'heaving beasts'."
"What's a 'niffle'?"
"You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'." -Rachel, Monica, and Joey, reading Rachel's first chapter.

"Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? You don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!" -Ross, reading Rachel's first chapter.

TOW: the Monkey

It's the holiday season in 'Friends' land!

Ross-gets a monkey, named Marcel. Ross is glad to have a pet since Carol left. Things with Marcel are not great; Monica doesn't like him, and he becomes distant with Ross. Chandler checks in on Marcel one night when Ross has to work late, and Chandler and Marcel have a great time. At the New Year's party, Marcel ignores Ross the whole night. Oh, Ross is the only person who doesn't have a date for New Year's at any time during this episode.

Monica-doesn't like Marcel at all, especially when he messes with her spatulas and pees on her coffee table. Really, can you blame her? She invites an ex-boyfriend, Fun Bobby, to New Year's. When Fun Bobby arrives he's no fun because his grandpa just died.

Phoebe- performs in Central Perk where she's interrupted by two geeky looking guys, David (Hank Azaria) and Max. They were discussing how beautiful David thought Phoebe was. David is a physicist. Anyway, he and Phoebe start dating and he becomes Phoebe's New Year's date. Before the party, though, David learns that he and Max got a grant to study in Minsk for 3 years, starting January 1. David doesn't know what to do and lets Phoebe make the decision, which is for him not to go. Max is furious. At the New Year's party, Phoebe sees how much going means to David and tells him that he has to go.

Joey-doesn't get the job as mall Santa Claus, a job he's had before. Instead, he's an elf. At work, he meets a single mom and invites her to New Year's. Sandy, the single mom, brings her kids to the party, which makes Joey feel awkward. He ends up taking care of the kids while Sandy hooks up with scientist guy Max.

Chandler- is freaking out about not having a New Year's date. To take the pressure off, he decides that everyone should make a pact not to have dates for New Year's. They halfheartedly agree. When Chandler learns Phoebe invited David, he acts all mad, but in actuality had already invited Janice. Janice thinks this means they are back together and spends most of the party saying how happy she is they're dating again. Chandler finally tells her the truth and Janice is mad.

Rachel-thinks Paolo is going to be in Rome for New Year's, so she's dateless irregardless of the pact. Paolo gets an earlier flight, though, but he misses it. Rachel is attacked by an angry woman at the airport, fighting over a cab. The woman tackles her, making Rachel hit her head on the curb and cut her lip on her attack whistle. Rachel tries to have fun at the party, but her eye is swelling shut and she can't drink anything without spilling it.

In the end, they all don't have dates, like they agreed on. Chandler really wants to kiss someone, but Phoebe's too sad and Rachel's lip hurts too bad. Monica doesn't want to kiss everyone. Joey ends up kissing Chandler to make him shut-up.

• I freaking love Hank Azaria!! Sweet, nerdy David is only one of the reasons I love Hank Azaria so very much. Agador, effing Spartacus???? I'm not sure if anyone else's ever seen Eulogy, but it's kind of awesome (also, Zooey Deschanel). And the Showtime show, Huff, which probably boasts one of the best, weirdest lines ever in, "You fucked my mother?!?!" Amazing.

• There are some incredibly, incredibly bad clothes in this episode. I think it's because the costume designers used up their budget on party clothes, but still. No excuse. Here's a sample of the bad.

Oh my God, the maroon. It hurts me. Chandler's sweater is frightening. Joey and Rachel are the only bright spots.


I feel physical pain looking at this.


I know better than to expect much from Janice, but yeesh. The big pink bow!

• I didn't realize getting a cab at the airport was so dangerous in the nineties. But, y'know, poor Rachel. I blame Paolo. Bastard.

• I'm with Monica on the Marcel thing. Gross, Ebola-ridden, flee-bitten thing.

• I'm legit creeped out by the chick Joey meets while dressed as an elf. That's just weird. I think there's a rule about not checking out dudes with pointed, jingly shoes.

• Ugly Naked Guy hangs candy canes...places.

• Chandler's midnight kiss.
  

Oh.My.God

" Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!" -Chandler, meeting Marcel the first time.

"I made a man with eyes of coal/ And a smile so bewitchin'/ How was I supposed to know/ That my mom was dead in the kitchen?" -Phoebe's song.

"That guy's going home with a note." -Chandler, while David is being scolded by Phoebe.

"...You are luminous with a kind of delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling." -David, explaining to Phoebe what he and Max were talking about.

"I mean, God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! Ooooh, did I just share too much?" -Rachel, learning that Phoebe and David hadn't even kissed by the 6th date.

"I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped!"
"Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history."
"I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!" -Chandler and Monica, as the dating pact unravels.

"Too many jokes! Must mock Joey!" -Chandler, seeing Joey in his elf costume.

"I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table." -Monica's response to Ross asking if Monica would treat Marcel badly if he was not a monkey, but Ross's girlfriend.

"And then your face exploded?" -Phoebe, seeing Rachel after she's attacked.

"I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocket book- starts yelling at me." -Rachel's explanation of the woman who attacked her.

"Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I mentally undressed an elf." -Sandy hitting on Joey. Ew.

"Kill me. Kill me now." -Chandler, responding to Janice asking Ross to take their picture.

"Hi, Max!"
"Yoko." -Phoebe and Max, after David decides not to go to Minsk.

TOW: Underdog Gets Away

Rachel: is supposed to go to Vail with her family for Thanksgiving, only this year she's supposed to pay for her own ticket. She asks her boss for an advance and customers for advances on tips, but still doesn't have enough money. When she gets home from work, Monica gives her an envelope with the money for the ticket, everyone chipped in $20. When Underdog gets away and they get locked out of the apartment, Rachel misses her flight.

Ross: finds out from Monica that their parents are spending Thanksgiving in Puerto Rico. He's really upset and Monica agrees to make Thanksgiving dinner. Ross wants it exactly like their mom makes and is critical of Monica's cooking. Ross goes to Carol and Susan's because he let Carol borrow a skull and needs it back. Susan tells him that she's been reading to the baby. Ross thinks that's weird, but wants to try because Susan does it. He sings 'Hey, Hey, We're the Monkee's' to the baby and it kicks for the first time. He and Monica get in a fight when he finds Thanksgiving dinner burnt.

Joey: comes in to Central Perk wearing make-up. He tells the gang that he's now a model-slash-actor. He just came from a photo shoot for the NYC Free Clinic to be on a poster. Joey's in a subway station when he runs into a woman he used to work with at Macy's. She agrees to get a drink with him, but then quickly backs out. Joey turns around and see's his picture on a poster for VD. His family un-invites him to Thanksgiving because they think he has VD. He's going to have Thanksgiving at Monica's and wants tater-tots like his mom makes.

Phoebe- isn't celebrating Thanksgiving with her grandmother until December. She asks Monica to make mashed potatoes with onions and peas like her mom used to make before she killed herself.

Monica- agrees to make Thanksgiving dinner for everyone and in the special way they request. She gets really stressed, though, because Ross is giving her a hard time and people keep requesting different things. She's reluctant to leave when Underdog escapes, but relents only to find herself locked out. Dinner is ruined and Monica freaks out because it was her first Thanksgiving dinner and she was trying really hard. Everyone fights because they're disappointed about the meal.

Chandler-doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving because it's when his parents told him they were getting divorced. Monica brings him stuff for grilled cheese, tomato soup, and Funyuns. When the Underdog balloon escapes, he tells everyone at Monica's and they all go up on the roof to watch. After they get locked out and Thanksgiving dinner is ruined, he shares his grilled cheese and is glad that everyone is spending the day together.

• Rachel's boss, Terry, has the most irritating voice on the planet. He also reminds me of some sort of...varmint...like a weasel or a ferret.
• If I were Monica, I'd, like, puncture Ross with a meat thermometer, or something. He's so mean about wanting the food a particular way and Monica tries so hard.
  

• I feel pretty bad for Joey this episode.
  
• 

I mean, that's pretty humiliating. Especially since this poster is everywhere. Even in Times Square. It's also really unrealistic. I mean it is literally in every single place Joey goes. There are hundreds of copies of this poster and only this poster.

• After dinner is ruined, the gang watches Ugly Naked Guy take his turkey out of the oven. They see that U.N.G. has an Ugly Naked Gal and it makes them feel better. Awww.

• Rachel is one of my favorite characters, but seriously, the "shooping" gets really old after, like, the very first time.
  

• Joey and his tots remind me of 'Napoleon Dynamite.' Every time Joey says, 'tot,' I immediately think, 'Napoleon, give me some your tots!'

• Oh! This is the first episode where we hear about the 'Friends' head-in-Thanksgiving-Turkey thing.
  

Oh. My. God.

"That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman." -Chandler, after Joey comes into Central Perk wearing make-up.

"And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays?"
"Yes, every single one of them." -Monica and Chandler, making Thanksgiving plans.

"Ooh, ohh, because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner." -Ross, after Phoebe suggests inviting Carol to Thanksgiving.

"Kinda like a big face without skin." -Ross, responding to Susan asking what the skull looks like.

"Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian."
"Well, y'know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it." -Ross and Susan.

"I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head." -Chandler, after Phoebe tells Ross to put his head in the turkey to simulate what a baby in a womb can hear.

"Oh, you must stop shooping." -Chandler, sick of hearing Rachel's skiing noise.

"But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a TOT!" -Joey, expressing his desire for Thanksgiving tater-tots.

"The balloon?"
"No, no, the actual cartoon character." -Joey and Chandler, after Chandler announces that Underdog escaped.

"Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts." -Ross, singing to the baby to the tune of 'Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees'.

TOW: Nana Dies Twice

Ross: The gang is having dinner together at Monica and Rachel's when the call comes that Monica and Ross's Nana is dying. Ross and Monica go to the hospital. A nurse tells the family that Nana has passed. Ross and Monica go in to say good-bye, but when Ross leans down to kiss her, Nana comes back to life. After Nana is definitely gone, Ross helps his mom and aunt pick out Nana's outfit. While in her closet searching for shoes, Ross finds all the Sweet n' Low packets Nana stole over the years. Ross falls in to an open grave at the cemetery and hurts his back. He takes prescription pain pills and passes out on Rachel's lap.

Monica: helps her dad pick out caskets after Nana dies. At the hospital, and then throughout the episode, Mrs. Geller continuously criticizes Monica. After the funeral, Mrs. Geller tells Monica how critical Nana could be. Monica asks her mom if it would've been better to tell Nana how she felt, but Mrs. Geller says 'no.' Mrs. Geller goes to fix Monica's hair, but stops when she realizes she's being like Nana.

Chandler: is at work when co-worker Shelly talks about setting him up on a blind date for Saturday. Shelly thinks Chandler is gay. At Monica and Rachel's, he asks if the others thought he was gay. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel thought he was when they first met. Chandler tries to find out what about him seems gay, but all anyone can say is that it's "a quality." At work, Chandler asks Shelly why she thought he was gay. They discuss Chandler's chances with Lowell from Financial Services and how Brian from pay-role is out of his league. At the end of the episode, Chandler talks to Lowell about gay-dar and how Brian is gay, but out of Chandler's league.

Joey: brings a portable tv to Nana's funeral to watch a Giants, Cowboys game. At the Geller's, all the male family and friends end up watching the game.

Rachel: Paolo sends her shoes from Italy. She steps in mud at the cemetery. Ross is gleeful.

Phoebe: doesn't have much to do this episode. :(

• Maybe Shelly thinks Chandler is gay because he calls her "gorgeous." Just sayin'.
  

• Nana has a giant armoire shoved in her closet. Ross has to climb over it so he can pick out the clothes she'll be buried in. So, uh, if her clothes are behind the armoire, how did Nana get dressed?
  

• It's raining sugar packets!
  

What's the point of collecting Sweet n' Low?

• Brian from pay-role makes me think of this Brian:

It'd really change the show, no?

• The sunglasses brigade makes me giggle.

• The gaggle of men behind Mrs. Geller's shoulder:

is, in no way, conspicuous. Way to be subtle, guys. Also, Rachel sitting their with Ross on her lap just about kills me. She wipes cracker crumbs off him at one point. Amazing.

Oh. My. God.

"Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights. Does it get any better than this?" -Chandler to Shelly, while having lunch at work.

"She may have died."
"She may have died?"
"We're looking into it." -Mr. Geller and Aunt Lillian, discussing Nana's status.

"Yeah, you have homosexual hair." -Phoebe, about Chandler's 'quality.'

"I just sharpened her this morning." -Rachel to Phoebe, after giving her a little yellow pencil to remind Phoebe of her dead friend, Debbie.

"...And then we throw your body in the water...Gee, that does sound fun." -Monica, responding to Mr. Geller wanting to be buried at sea.

"Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me...I'm really not." -Chandler, after Shelly says Brian from pay-role is out of his league.

"That's really a day shoe."
"And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier?" -Mrs. Geller and Ross, deciding on Nana's shoes.

"Not the first two, but the second two, woooo!" -Ross, after taking pain meds.

"Now I'm depressed!" -Mr. Geller, watching the football game.

"Your grandmother would've hated this."
"Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all." -Mrs. Geller and Monica.

TOW: the Blackout

The gang is in Central Perk getting ready to hear Phoebe perform when the power goes out. Everyone is together except for Chandler, who's at the bank.

Ross: tells Rachel he see's 'big passion in her future,' after the 'strangest place you've had sex conversation.' Joey tells him he's entering the 'friend zone' with Rachel and that he needs to make a move right away. Ross goes out on the balcony with Rachel and works up the courage to ask her out. A cat jumps on his back before he can get the words out and then Rachel becomes obsessed with finding the cat's owner. Rachel brings back Paolo.

Rachel: has never had sex in a weird place. She believes it's because she's never been in a relationship with that kind of passion. Ross comforts her and then he comes out to the balcony to talk to her. Before Ross can say anything she spots the cat and the cat jumps on Ross. Rachel decides she needs to find the owner of the cat, so she and Phoebe go around the building. Rachel runs in to Paolo and finds the passion she's been looking for.

Monica: thinks that Ross is planning her a surprise party when he's on the balcony with Rachel. Or at least, Joey tells her that to keep her from interrupting Ross making his move. She also used to have a crush on Joey when he first moved in because of his nice arms.

Joey: attempts to help Ross make a move. He lies to Monica to keep her from getting in the way. He keeps harassing Monica about his nice arms.

Phoebe: sings in this episode! She thinks she's the last person in the group to find out stuff. She goes with Rachel to find the owner of the cat.

Chandler: is in an ATM vestibule when the blackout happens and is trapped inside with a Victoria's Secret model (Jill Goodacre). He's really nervous and awkward, which leads to incredible, though inadvertent, creepiness. He chokes on a piece of gum and Jill gives him the Heimlich, breaking the ice between them. They hang out for the rest of the blackout and before Jill leaves she kisses him on the cheek. Chandler asks the security people for a copy of the surveillance tape.

• Ross wears a horrible sweater.
  

The neck looks like it's trying to eat his head.

• Jill Goodacre tells her mom she's stuck in the ATM vestibule with 'some guy.' Chandler's all excited to be 'some guy,' which makes me think of 'some pig' from 'Charlotte's Web.'
  

• They watch Ugly Naked Guy light candles and he burns...something.
  

• Rachel's never had sex in a strange place. This doesn't make sense to me because she had sex with, like, everyone when they were in high school. Surely, in all that time, she had sex somewhere weird. One would think.

• Rachel wears a really awesome skirt this episode. It totally makes up for all the denim.

It's pleated and all kinds of nifty and I want one.

• Mr. Heckles makes his first appearance. Rachel and Phoebe go to his apartment to see if the cat is his.
  

• I. Hate. Paolo. Sincerely.
  

My brain refuses to recognize any sort of hotness he may have. I don't get it. I feel like I should find him attractive, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe do, but all I can muster up is a lackluster meh. So greasy.

• Ross's face when the lights come on and Rachel and Paolo are kissing:

Poor, sad Ross.

• I can't adequately articulate how much I love this.
  

Oh.My.God.

"Well, it was the only thing that didn't have a line." -Ross, telling about he and Carol having sex on the 'It's a Small World After All' Disney ride.

"Eventually, it kind of...burns out. But hopefully what you're left with is trust, and security, and, well...in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism." -Ross, explaining passionate relationships to Rachel.

The First time Phoebe sings!!! It's really something that must be heard to appreciate.


"During a blackout? He'd get trampled!"
"Yeah?" -Rachel and Ross, after the cat jumps on Ross.

"No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives." -Ross, wanting to know where Paolo came from.

"That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!" -Ross, talking to Paolo.