TOW: The Ultimate Fighting Champion

Monica: comes into Central Perk to tell the gang about Pete's news. She's interrupted by two random dudes (Billy Crystal and Robin Williams), who need a place to sit and ask to share the couch. Billy and Robin are having some personal issues (namely that Billy is sleeping with Robin's wife), and repeatedly interrupt Monica's story. After Robin storms out, Monica can't remember what she wanted to tell the group to begin with. I don't know if Robin and Billy have character names and I haven't checked. Mostly because I like calling them Robin and Billy. Anyway, Monica finally tells everyone about Pete wanting to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion. The guys think it's hilarious, and explain the UFC thing to Monica. They tell her how dangerous and no-holds barred the fighting is. Monica stops by while Pete's training. She lets him know she's concerned about the danger. Pete tells her he'll be okay because he has the best trainers in the world. Trainers (James Hong) who forbid Monica and Pete having sex. Monica goes with Ross to Pete's first fight. Pete's opponent is gigantic and Monica's worried. Monica talks to Pete and he reassures her about his fighting abilities. The fight goes horribly for Pete. After the fight, Monica finds Pete to tell him she's proud of him. She thinks Pete's done with the fighting thing, but Pete's determined to be the champion. He's always persevered in his endeavors when they got tough, and he's going to do the same with the fighting. Pete's trainer doesn't want Monica ringside anymore. The group has a cookout for the next fight where Monica eats lots of hot dogs to deal with her stress. Pete loses. Monica visits him again. This time, Pete's torso is in a cast. Monica wants him to stop, but Pete's not going to. Monica tells him she can't watch him hurt himself like this, and breaks up with him. Pete says he can't be something he's not, so he can't quit. Monica leaves, and Pete asks her to write a note because he's on a lot of pain killers and isn't sure he'll remember. They watch his next fight and it's just a big, old mess.

Rachel and Phoebe: Phoebe wants to hook Ross up with her friend Bonnie, but she asks Rachel's permission first. Rachel is hesitant until Phoebe reminds her that Bonnie shaves her head. Rachel readily agrees to the matchmaking scheme, assured that Ross won't like this random bald girl. Phoebe and Bonnie (Christine Taylor) are together in Central Perk when Rachel comes in. Phoebe introduces them, and Rachel is surprised to see that Bonnie's got lots of hair. Phoebe and Rachel leave Bonnie to go on her date with Ross. Rachel's upset with Phoebe because she expected Bonnie to be bald, and someone Ross wouldn't be attracted to. During the Ultimate Fighting cookout, Phoebe talks to Ross about his date with Bonnie. Ross really likes her and plans to see her again. Phoebe acts like all the things Ross says about Bonnie are negative. Rachel and Phoebe walk past Central Perk and Rachel sees Ross and Bonnie. It's obvious that Ross and Bonnie are really into each other. Rachel gets angry at Phoebe for setting Ross up with Bonnie and not making it clear that Bonnie was no longer hairless. Phoebe wants to know why Rachel has a problem with Ross dating someone, when Rachel didn't want to be with him anymore. Rachel says she didn't expect him to be happy so soon.

Chandler: has a new boss at work, Doug (Sam McMurray). Doug's kind of abrasive and inappropriate. Doug's quite partial to Chandler almost from the beginning. He shows his favor by smacking Chandler on the ass. Chandler's totally caught off guard by the ass slapping. After Ross makes the gang reservations at a fancy restaurant, Chandler smacks his ass. This is how Chandler introduces the problem to the group. Monica thinks it's okay for him to tell Doug his behavior makes Chandler uncomfortable, but Chandler doesn't want to be that guy. Doug congratulates Chandler at work, but Chandler dodges the ass smack. Doug makes Chandler come back for the ass slap. After the encounter, Chandler talks to some other guys he works with about Doug's behavior. They're all jealous of the attention Chandler gets; they want to be smacked, too. During the cookout, Chandler tells Ross that he has a plan to deal with the butt touching. The next day at work, Chandler tells Doug he had a few beers with friends and didn't run the numbers he was supposed to. Instead of being angry, Doug laughs it off and smacks Chandler's ass. Chandler tells Doug the ass touching makes him uncomfortable. Doug takes it well. Chandler has a meeting at work. When it ends, all the guys walk past Doug and Doug smacks them all in congratulations. Chandler feels left out and wants a smack. Doug happily obliges.

Ross: dates Bonnie. He's surprised he likes her as much as he does. He tells Monica about the UFC stuff and goes to Pete's first fight with her.

Joey: uh, helps Chandler with his Doug issues (sorta). He gives the duck a bath.

• The thing with Billy Crystal and Robin Williams has to be the most random freaking thing in the history of ever. Don't get me wrong, I like them both a lot, but...uh, what the hell? Bonus wtf points for the oozing wound.

Robin Williams has to be the hairiest man on the planet.

• I don't get the UFC thing. I take no delight in watching someone get his face beaten in, spitting out a mouthful of blood and teeth. I also hate that Pete and Monica break up. Pete's a great guy; nice, rich, really cares for Monica....it's too bad he'd rather end up in a wheelchair.

Why would anyone willingly engage in a sport that leaves them looking like that? Especially since Pete sucks at it. He should just continue making awesome office place software.

• Random story: Once upon a time, as a confused history major, I took a class on U.S. History and Pop Culture. Sounds awesome right? Totally my thing, surely an easy A...but no. The teacher was a gigantic d-bag. Professor Douche Bag decided that it was educationally sound to show us a pay-per-view wrestling match from, like, 1986. It was, in a word, awful. How in the world did people ever argue about this being real??? Anyway, the point of my story (there is one), is that the UFC stuff reminds me of a moment in this wrestling video, where one of the announcers yelled, "That's an ominous forearm!!" Of all the things to call ominous. I'm so glad I'm $40,000 in debt for that.
  

• I totally heart Christine Taylor. She's married to Ben Stiller, played Marsha Brady, is in The Wedding Singer, and Dodgeball. Oh my god, I love Dodgeball.

• Ross makes a reservation at a restaurant under the name Winona Ryder, which seems like such a nineties thing to do. Some people I work with were talking about Reality Bites the other day and didn't know the actress who starred in it. I felt really old.
  

• I'm not a huge fan of this one. It saddens my very soul to see Monica and Pete break up, and everything else just seems mediocre. I'm faintly amused by the ass smacking, but not enough for it to be anything special.

I think this is just a weird perception thing, but doesn't Chandler look like he's standing on box? He seems oddly tall and thin.

• I have the hardest time correctly typing Doug. I keep making it Dough. I can't help adding that damn 'h', it's like a horrible compulsion.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Do you think that there's a town in Missouri, or some place, called Sample? And uh, as you're driving into town there's-there's like a sign, and it says 'You're in Sample'." -Chandler, making a urine sample joke.

"Like when you go bowling and you know you're in somebody else's shoes?" -Billy, as Robin confesses his wife's sleeping with someone else.

"What? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath." -Joey, to Ross, after he's stuck his finger in Ross's mouth.

"I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom." -Chandler, talking about his encounter with his boss.

"Y'know, I don't--I don't understand guys. I mean, I--I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by, y'know, grabbin' her boob."
"Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just, y'know, stick your head between 'em." -Rachel and Chandler, on the weirdness of guy's congratulation rituals.

"What if Joey were president?" -Chandler, after Joey's bad smelling butt, thing. Sadly, since the episode aired, we've had Joey as president. Oh, Friends, you're like the new Miss Cleo.

"Well, that was depressing. I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame." -Rachel, snacking.

"Just like I learned from this fight never to let a guy stand on my neck."
"You didn't know that already?" -Pete and Monica, after Pete's first fight.

"It's--It's not about the swearing, it's more about uh, the way that you, uh, occasionally concentrate your enthusiasm on my buttock." -Chandler, to Doug.

"Oh, we killed them all!" -Phoebe, after she and Rachel sit on ants.

"See this circle I'm marking off here? This is my zone of terror." -Pete, in his torso cast, defending his fighting ability.

"Run! Run, you crazy, rich freak!" -Chandler, watching Pete's fight.