TOW: the Ballroom Dancing

Monica, Rachel, and Joey: Monica catches Rachel putting an empty carton back in the fridge. Rachel put it back because the trash is full, and she has no intention of taking the trash to the trash chute. Monica makes Rachel take out the trash, including a pizza box. Mr. Treeger is in the trash room, unjamming the trash chute when Rachel comes in. She puts the trash bag down the chute, but the pizza box gets stuck. Instead, of stuffing the box down, she leaves it blocking the chute. Treeger yells at her for jamming the chute again, after he just fixed it. He makes Rachel cry. When Rachel comes back in the apartment, Monica thinks she's crying because she had to take the trash out. Rachel explains to the group what happened. Joey decides to defend her honor, and confront Treeger for making Rachel cry. Monica doesn't want Joey to make a big deal out of it, but Joey's mind is made up. He goes to Treeger's office, scolding the man for making Rachel cry. Joey's going to call the landlord. Treeger doesn't mind; he's decided to call the landlord himself because Monica and Rachel are living in the apartment illegally. Joey leaves, sure Monica and Rachel are being evicted. Joey goes to their apartment and informs them of the news. They're horrified. Monica makes Joey go back to Treeger, wanting Joey to suck up so they won't be evicted. Joey goes back to Treeger's office, begging him not to evict Monica and Rachel. Treeger suggests he just evict Joey and Chandler. Joey makes the mistake of mentioning the chick and the duck. Treeger gets up in arms about Joey having pets, but Joey says 'chick' and 'duck' are nicknames. Joey tells Treeger he'll do anything, just as long as Treeger doesn't call the landlord on Monica and Rachel. Treeger does have one thing Joey could do for him, be his dance partner. In Central Perk, Joey tells everyone about the Superintendent's Ball that Treeger's going to. Treeger wants to dance with Marge, but doesn't feel like a good enough dancer, and wants Joey's help practicing. At the first lesson, Joey's pretty uncomfortable, but goes through with it. Treeger's dancing isn't great, and he decides to just give up. Joey convinces him to keep practicing. Joey goes to Monica and Rachel's after the first practice. They tease him about the dancing lessons, especially when he does a dance hop across the kitchen. Joey tells them he really enjoys the dancing, and is getting good at it. Treeger comes by Monica and Rachel's looking for Joey for their last practice before the Ball. They've had some trouble doing a difficult spin, and Treeger's decided it's because his apartment is too small. They do their last dance on the rooftop. It goes great and Treeger's feeling good about himself. He starts to leave, but Joey's sad. Treeger invites Joey along, but Joey declines when he learns that the women aren't exactly his type. After Treeger leaves, Joey dances alone on the roof.

Chandler and Ross: Chandler gets a new wallet, having to transfer all his wallet stuff to the new one. While going through the stuff, he comes across a gym membership. Everyone's pretty surprised that Chandler belongs to a gym. He never actually goes there, but he can't seem to quit, even though it costs 50 bucks a month. Ross makes fun of him for his quitting failures, but Chandler defends himself. Everyone at the gym is so delightfully healthy, they always talk him into staying. Even if he's able to resist, they bring out their piece de resistance, Maria. Ross decides to go to the gym with Chandler and encourage him to go through with quitting. At the gym, the guy behind the counter, who we'll call gym rat 1, belittles Chandler for being a quitter, but Chandler is confident in his quitting abilities. Gym Rat 1 (Brien Perry) tells Chandler he'll have to talk to the guy in charge of accounts (Gym Rat 2), and Ross isn't allowed in the office as a non-gym member. When Chandler leaves, Gym Rat 1 talks to Ross about signing up for the gym. When Ross resists, Gym Rat 1 brings out Maria (Amber Smith). Chandler's in the office, telling Gym Rat 2 he wants to quit. Gym Rat 2's phone rings, it's Gym Rat 1, letting them know that Ross's joined the gym. Chandler and Ross go to Central Perk, bemoaning their failure. Rachel laughs at Ross upon learning he joined a gym. Monica suggests they try actually going, but they have no interest in doing that. Ross decides the next step they should take is closing their bank accounts, cutting the gym off at the source. They go to the bank, certain of their abilities to close their accounts. The man they talk to at the bank, calls over Ms. Lambert (Hope Allen), the woman in charge of closing accounts. Ms. Lambert's hot, so Ross and Chandler somehow end up not closing their accounts, but getting a joint account. They're going to use the joint account to pay their gym membership.

Phoebe: is nervous about going to work. She's got a huge crush on a massage client, but she can't act on her impulses. One, she'll get fired and two, it's against her personal masseuse oath. She plans on behaving herself, but as she leaves for work everyone notices that her feet, the only part of her the client can see, are all dressed up. Rick (Jason Brooks), the client, notices how pretty Phoebe's fee look and compliments her. She's trying to ignore her attraction, but Rick asks her to concentrate on his sciatic area. He tells Phoebe it's been bothering him since he participated in a Greenpeace sit in .Phoebe has to move the towel off his butt, and notices what a great ass Rick has. She bites him. She tells the gang about the biting, and is really upset over her inability to control herself. Joey tells her the things he thinks about when he's with a woman and trying not to come. The next time Phoebe massages Rick, she thinks of the same stuff Joey does. Baseball and sandwiches don't work, but thinking about Chandler does the trick. She gets so caught up in her mundane thoughts, she massages Rick for well over an hour. Finally, she admits her crush to Rick. Rick says he can get a new masseuse and they start kissing. Phoebe's boss, Mrs. Potter (Rhoda Gemignani), walks in, catching Phoebe and Rick in the act. Mrs. Potter is furious, it being against her rules for masseuse's to have relationships with clients. Phoebe tells Mrs. Potter that Rick is her husband, but Mrs. Potter isn't fooled because Rick's wife called looking for him. Later that day, Phoebe goes into Monica and Rachel's. She was fired. She spent the day walking aimlessly, offering massages to people on the street. Cops stop her, thinking she's a hooker. She doesn't know what to do, and is quite distraught at losing her job. At the end, Phoebe goes to an interview, but makes the mistake of telling her possible new employer that she was fired because her last boss thought she was a whore.

• Gah, this is such an effing great episode! Joey ballroom dances! I'll say it again. He. Ballroom. Dances. The fact that it's with Treeger is just icing on the potato-look-alike cake. (Ew). Chandler, Ross, and the gym is also epic, as well as Phoebe's ass biting.

• Is it wrong how delighted I am by Rachel crying? She's soooooo spoiled! I, uhh, I hate to admit it, but I'd cry, too.

In her defense, Treeger's, like, really mean.

• Maria, the gym treat.

I feel that this lady should be Rebecca Romijn, in the same way I feel that Glee's Mr. Schuester, should be Neil Patrick Harris. I also feel like I should look like that in spandex. Sadly, none of these things are true.

• Rick's pretty yummy, but his nose is funny. Not haha funny, just strange looking.

• Ms. Lambert, the bank lady.

Ross and Chandler just can't win. Well, I guess that depends on how you look at it.

• Yeah, Chandler should definitely be Chick and Joey Duck. It makes more sense that way. Somehow. It's really hard not to not type Chuck and Dick. I don't know why.

• Figuring out how to spell 'pas de bourree' was more difficult than I imagined.

• I'm legit upset that Rick's married. He belongs to Greenpeace, people! That's soulmate material right there.

• In which Joey and Mr. Treeger dance. And it's pretty.

Okay, so, it's set to "Spice up your Life" instead of "Night and Day," but sometimes you have to take what you can get.

There's an odd romantic quality to this moment with the original music, but somehow "Spice up Your Life" manages to make it even more sexual. And it makes me giggle. A lot.

Oh. My. God.

"Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say 'cool' anymore." -Chandler, to Phoebe, on why he got a new wallet.

"God, if you're gonna cry about it!" -Monica, to Rachel, thinking Rachel's upset over having to take out the garbage.

"That's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed!" -Rachel, to Monica, when Monica wants to let the incident with Treeger go.

"I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times." -Chandler, on why he has a gym membership.

"Oh, Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra, spandex covered gym...treat." -Chandler, on Maria and quitting the gym.

"Your feet are all dressed up."

"Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table!"

"You're gonna do some feet flirtin'!" -Monica and Chandler, on Phoebe's pretty feet.

"Because it's Arabian princess day at work! Okay?! Leave me alone!" -Phoebe, explaining why she's wearing a toe ring, anklet, and got a pedicure.

"Now, Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean, you suck like you've never sucked before!" -Monica, to Joey, when she learns of the eviction threat.

"No! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!" -Chandler, to Ross, when they practice quitting the gym.

"Noo--no--no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck."

"Huh, I would've thought it was the other way around." -Joey and Treeger, when Joey lets slip about the pets.

"That's not prison lingo, is it?" -Joey, to Treeger, after Joey's asked to be his dancing partner.

"Yeah, right, he almost danced me right down that... garbage chute." -Rachel, to Joey, on Treeger's dancing ability.

"Aww, man, now we won't be bank buddies!" -Joey, to Chandler, when Chandler and Ross are going to close their bank accounts.

"I bit him."

"Where?!"

"On the tushie." -Phoebe and Rachel, on what happened with Rick.

" Ah, forget it. I'll never be any good at this. My mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head." -Treeger, to Joey, about his failure at dancing.

"Hey-hey! How goes the dancing? Gay yet?" -Monica, to Joey.

"And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourree."

"You know the words! You are so into this!" -Joey and Monica, after she witnesses him do a little dance step.

"I wanna quit the bank!" -Chandler, upon being introduce to Ms. Lambert.

"Maybe Rick's pants come down a little..." -Phoebe's inner monologue as she massages Rick.

"Why wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for that." -Mr. Simon, Phoebe's next client, after Phoebe and Rick are caught kissing.

"I--I started asking people on the street if the wanted massages. Then these policemen thought I was a whore, too. It's been a really bad day, whore wise." -Phoebe, telling everyone about being fired.

"Hey, Duck. Is Chick here?"

"Yeah... Bunny rabbit..." -Treeger and Chandler.

"Yeah, they thought I was a whore." -Phoebe, during her interview.