TOW: Ross' Thing

Ross: has a thing. He goes to Chandler and Joey's because he felt a weird thing when he was showering. The thing isn't in a visible place, so he wants Chandler and Joey to check it out and tell him what it is. It's on Ross' lower back, near his butt. Chandler and Joey look, but can't tell what it is. Rachel walks in and catches Chandler and Joey starring at Ross' butt. Ross goes to Central Perk and tells the gang that his doctor has no idea what the thing is, but that it's not malignant. Ross' doctor doesn't want to remove it because he can't identify it. Chandler suggests that Ross see Chandler's doctor that removed his third nipple. Ross goes to Chandler's doctor and tells him it's a third nipple; easily removable. Ross pulls his pants down, and the doctor is shocked, having expected a third nipple. The doctor doesn't know what the thing is and calls in some of his colleagues. The next time we see Ross, he's laying on his stomach with a whole cadre of doctor's starring at his thing. They don't know what it is. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica are all in Central Perk. Ross is complaining about his unidentifiable thing, and Phoebe suggests he go to her herbalist. Ross is reluctant until Monica tells him that women talk about the weird things on men's bodies. Ross goes to the herbalist, Guru Saj (Kevin McDonald). The Guru tells Ross his thing is a koondis. The Guru thinks that the koondis is a result of Ross' negative energy. He wants Ross to love the koondis. As Ross professes his love, the Guru rips the koondis off with his watch band. Problem solved.

Phoebe: comes into Central Perk with a new guy she's dating, Vince (Matt Battaglia). Vince is a fireman. After Vince leaves, Rachel asks Phoebe about another guy she'd been dating, Jason (Robert Gant), a kindergarten teacher. Phoebe says she's dating both, trying to play the field. Everyone's pretty shocked, but Phoebe's kinda excited about seeing two guys that don't know about the other. Phoebe goes out walking with Jason and they see a parked car in flames. Jason wants to call the fire department, but Phoebe's worried about running into Vince, so she suggests they just leave. Then she hears sirens and makes Jason run away. Phoebe and Rachel walk into Central Perk, discussing Phoebe's men. Phoebe feels bad for dating both of them, and the others tell her to dump one of the guys. Phoebe knows that's a good idea, but doesn't know which guy to break up with. Phoebe decides to break up with Vince because, though he's got a great body, he's not as sensitive as Jason. She finds Vince at the fire station, and when she breaks up with him, he gets really emotional. He scurries away and she follows him. In Central Perk again, Phoebe tells everyone that she didn't break up with Vince. It turns out that he's incredibly sensitive, too. Phoebe thinks she'll break up with Jason, because Vince's got a great body and is sensitive. Phoebe goes to Jason's to end things with him. He's building...something in his apartment, shirtless. Phoebe doesn't end things with him, either. Phoebe's playing in Central Perk one evening, with Vince watching. Jason comes in because he walked by and saw she was performing that night. Phoebe gets flustered, singing gibberish, until she gives up and calls it a night. Jason kisses her and Vince steps in. When both guys learn she was dating them at the same time, they don't really care. Then Jason learns that Phoebe already slept with Vince. Jason ends things with her. Vince ends things with her, too, because Phoebe made a candle lit dinner for Jason in the park. Vince is upset about the candles in the park. Fire hazard, and all of that.

Monica: tells everyone in Central Perk that Pete said the dreaded 'we need to talk.' He's on a business trip, so they aren't going to talk until he gets back. Monica's sure they're going to break up, but the others assure her that's probably not the case. She's supposed to water Pete's plants while he's gone, but she considers not going, since he may break up with her. In the end, being Monica, she goes and brings all her friends (who aren't supposed to be there). Everyone looks around Pete's place and goes through his stuff. Pete has a lot of stuff that's voice operated. The phone rings, it's Pete and Monica tells everyone to hide. It's a video phone, so of course Pete sees everyone in his house. He takes it pretty well, though. During the conversation, Pete tells Monica what they need to talk about is good news, so he's not breaking up with her. Monica's relieved that things are still going well between them. Joey's been going through Pete's check book and sees a $50,000 check to a ring designer. Everyone thinks Pete's going to propose. Ross says "call mom" and they end up calling Pete's mom. They all hide. They get back to Monica and Rachel's, discussing Pete and Monica's hypothetical wedding all the while. Monica tells them all not to get so excited because she and Pete have only been together for a short time. She's sure it isn't a proposal, but if it is she doesn't think she'll say yes. The day Pete gets back, before their date, Monica tells Rachel that if Pete proposes, she thinks she'll say yes. Monica and Pete end up back at Pete's place. He starts talking to her very seriously about all the things in life he's conquered (business world, intellectual world, etc...), but instead of proposing, Pete tells her he wants to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion. What he wanted to ask her was if she'd be by his side as he fought. Which I guess is sweet. Sorta.

Joey and Chandler: check out Ross' thing. Spend a lot of time goofing around with the chick and the duck. They try to help Phoebe out with her two guys. Chandler and Joey offer to go to Pete's and pee on his plants, if he's planning on breaking up with Monica. Joey can't help but go through a millionaire's check book and finds the $50,000 check to the ring designer. They take the duck to the Guru because he has a cough the vet can't fix.

Rachel: gets over-the-top excited about Pete's proposal. She keeps talking about all the money Monica and Pete'll have. She thinks the theme for their wedding should be money and there should be a money bouquet and money salad. On a whim she buys some bridal magazines. She shows them to Monica, expecting Monica to be upset, but then Monica tells Rachel she's thinking about saying yes to Pete. Rachel also tries to help Phoebe with her two boyfriends.

• Ross' thing is hilarious. When Rachel walks in to Chandler and Joey looking at it?
  

Love.

• I don't really care about anything else in this episode. And Pete makes me sad. I don't want him to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion. I like Pete.

• Okay, there is one other thing I care about in this episode, but it's not Friends oriented. I mean, Friends isn't my only tv love, so bare with me. Matt Battaglia (in the blue button-down) and Robert Gant were both on Queer as Folk. Jason plays Ben, Michael's partner and Vince is the football player who Emmett dates.

Yes, this is remarkable to me. And not just a little bit exciting.

• It's sort of absurd that Phoebe doesn't think Jason has a nice body. Just freaking look at him! His muscles are practically bulging out of that shirt.
  

• Actually, Matt Battaglia reminds me some of Ryan Kwanten who plays Jason in True Blood.

• Chandler has incredibly strange hair. It sticks up an alarming amount. Like, stuck a finger in a light socket sticking up.

• Ross, Chandler, and Joey's dismay at the herbalist is joy inducing.

Oh. My. God.

"Hey, wouldn't it be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck."
'Or...Dick." -Joey and Chandler.

"Was it like a sneeze, only better?" -Chandler, when Ross says he felt something while he was showering.

"What? Is it a pimple?"
"No, it's...fancier than a pimple." -Ross and Chandler, on the thing.

"Y'know, this kind of like, y'know oat-sowin', field playin' juggler." -Phoebe, on dating two men at the same time.

"So I guess I'm lucky. I mean, not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples." -Chandler, to Ross, about his third nipple removal.

"Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross." -Joey, to Ross, about naming the unidentifiable thing.

"Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean." -Chandler, suggesting he and Joey pee on Pete's plants.

"I----Kea! this is comfortable!" -Chandler, sitting on Pete's sofa.

"No! But it's the nicest kitchen. The refrigerator told me to have a great day." -Phoebe, to Monica, about Pete's pleasant kitchen.

"Oh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!" -Rachel, to Ross, after he tells Monica to not rush into things with Pete.

"Thank you, but I want to remove it, Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory." -Ross, to Phoebe, after Phoebe suggests he go to her herbalist.

"I don't know, what's a koondis with you?" -Guru Saj.

"I love the koondis." -Ross, following Guru Saj's advice.

"Uh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooded area." -Vince, to Phoebe, after learning she made Jason a candle lit dinner in the park.

"That's supposed to be a duck right? Cause otherwise, this is waaaay out of me league." -Guru Saj, when Chandler and Joey bring in the duck.