TOW: the Chicken Pox

Phoebe: has an old boyfriend, Ryan, coming to town. Ryan is in the Navy, he's on a submarine and very rarely gets to go on leave. Phoebe tells the gang at Central Perk about Ryan and all the romantic plans she has for them. Ross makes his announcement about Ben's chicken pox, Phoebe feels left out because she's never had it, but then she sees her first pock. Monica and Rachel help her get ready for her first date with Ryan. Her face is covered with dollops of calamine lotion and she's embarrassed. Ryan (Charlie Sheen) comes in and Phoebe's turned all the lights off and is wearing a scarf as a veil. Ryan convinces her to remove the scarf and she does. Ryan's never had chicken pox, but doesn't want to miss out on being with Phoebe. They kiss. Ryan gets the chicken pox. They are playing Monopoly, talking about how they can't scratch. Phoebe starts using the dice to scratch and then she and Ryan start scratching each other. Rachel and Ross catch them. Monica duct tapes oven mitts on their hands so they can't scratch. Ross and Rachel help Ryan and Phoebe make a romantic dinner. They have trouble because of the oven mitts. Ryan and Phoebe start kissing and scratching. They rip the duct tape off with their teeth and remove their mittens. Ross walks in and right back out, giving up on them. Ryan and Phoebe recover and it's time for Ryan to leave. They say good-bye and Phoebe's a little disappointed they didn't get to do all the romantic stuff she had planned.

Ross and Rachel: Ross tells the group that Ben has chicken pox. All of them have had it, except Phoebe. Rachel helps Phoebe get ready for her first date with Ryan. Ross and Rachel come back from a date and find Ryan and Phoebe scratching. Ross and Rachel scold them. They help Phoebe and Ryan make dinner for a date, then go out themselves. Ross comes back in and sees Ryan and Phoebe scratching, but doesn't say anything. After Ryan leaves, Rachel says she thinks Ryan's uniform is sexy. Ross walks into Central Perk dressed in a sailor's uniform while Rachel's closing up. He sweeps her into his arms and starts to walk out with her, but she realizes she's forgotten to turn off the cappuccino machine, the light in the bathroom, and she's forgotten her purse. Ross drops her on the couch and tells her to just meet him upstairs.

Monica: has had the chicken pox and isn't worried. Richard stays over and has made the bed. He goes to take a shower and Monica starts to remake it. She's embarrassed to tell him why she has to remake the bed. Richard really wants to know, so Monica tells him the special way she has to make the bed. Monica thinks her neurotic behavior will drive him away, but he says it makes him love her more. Monica helps Rachel get Phoebe ready for her first date with Ryan. She also duct tapes oven mitts to their hands so they can't scratch. She tells Richard more about her neurotic behavior and then freaks out when she thinks he doesn't have any obsessive behaviors. Richard wakes Monica up, saying he's finally thought of something he has to do. Richard says he has to sleep on a certain side of the bed and Monica feels better.

Chandler and Joey: Joey really needs a job and Chandler suggests Joey apply to an open processing position with Chandler's firm. Joey isn't sure he can do it, but Chandler tells him it's just like acting. After his first day, Joey tells Chandler how great it was and how he made friends with Jeannie, the head of East Coast Operations. Joey's made a whole character named "Joseph" who's married with two kids. Chandler freaks out because Joey's taking the whole character thing too far. Joey keeps schmoozing with Jeannie and takes Chandler's boss, Mr. Douglas's, side when Chandler wants to give his team the weekend off to celebrate a holiday. Chandler's getting really irritated with Joey. Joey rats Chandler out to Mr. Douglas about a mistake that was made on an account. Chandler's furious and tells Joey he's firing him. Joey points out that Chandler can't fire him because Chandler isn't in his department. Chandler tells Joey he's having an affair with "Joseph's" wife. Chandler yells at him and Joey says he'll quit.

• I really like this episode. Not a huge fan of Charlie Sheen, but the whole chicken pox thing is pretty hilarious. And the "Joseph" thing cracks me up.
  

• I love, love, love when Phoebe takes her veil off for Ryan.
  

There's a flash of lighting and Ryan screams. It's amazing.

• Phoebe and Ryan with their oven mitts.
  

I've never seen an oven mitt with a long...tail...thing, like Phoebe's has.

• I love Joey's character, "Joseph." Joseph has two little girls, Brittany and Ashley, and a wife named Karen. Joseph's wife just had a baby. Brittany and Ashley go to school with Jeannie's kids. Joesph has a boat.
  

• I think Richard just makes his obsessive bed thing up. Instead of seeming embarrassed about it, it's more like he's trying to think of the most absurd thing he can. Seriously, "Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side." What's with that??
  

• Ross's sailor outfit

Aww. It's particularly sweet when he dumps her on the couch.

Oh. My. God.

" So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?" -Rachel, about Ryan.

"That'll teach you to lick my muffin." -Monica, to Chandler who took the last muffin, licked it so Monica couldn't have it, and takes bites of it every time someone says something that could be mocked.

"If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy."
"You're pretty much running that risk either way." -Monica and Richard, when Monica remakes the bed.

"Are all you processors dorks?" -Joey, meeting one of Chandler's co-workers.

"For God sakes, dim the lights." -Rachel, helping Phoebe get ready for her date.

"It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnacles on your butt." -Monica, reassuring Phoebe about her date.

"No, no, you have to stay back. I--I have the pox."
"Chicken or small?" -Phoebe and Ryan, when Ryan arrives.

"You don't want to see a face covered with pox."
"Your face could be covered with lox, and I wouldn't care." -Phoebe and Ryan. Note: The transcript I use to make sure I have the quotes right has "lochs", the Scottish lakes, instead of "lox." Hahaha.

"Sorry, the lightning. The lightning was an unfortunate coincidence." -Ryan, when he screams upon seeing Phoebe's face.

"I figure my character has kids."
"Y'know, there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained." -Joey and Chandler, on the inception of Joseph.

"Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there." -Chandler, after Joseph's imaginary wife, Karen, has a baby.

"I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body." -Phoebe, playing Monopoly with Ryan and itching.

"I hope you get a weenie pock!"-Phoebe, getting blamed for she and Ryan scratching.

"What a phony."
"Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing." -Joey and Chandler, when Joey passes judgment on Jeannie.

"Oooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something, too?" -Richard, as Monica walks into the bedroom with duct tape.

"Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen?" -Richard, after Monica says she'll set all the clocks to 'her time.'

"I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing."
"See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well." -Monica and Richard, when Monica discovers he doesn't have an obsessive thing.

"Oh, well, it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah, the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer."
"Really?"
"No, freakshow, she's fictional!!" -Chandler and Joey, after Joey gets Chandler in trouble at work.

"Oh look, a low budget puppet show."
"It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up." -Ross and Phoebe, when Phoebe and Ryan are oven mitted.

"Wow, it's--it's neat learning about submarines." -Ross, asking Ryan questions and not getting answers.