TOW: Ross and Rachel take a Break

Ross and Rachel: Ross comes into Monica and Rachel's, looking for Rachel. Monica tells Ross that Rachel's still at work and wants Ross to call her. Ross's upset because it's their anniversary. He calls and Rachel says they're having a huge shipping crisis at work and she won't be able to leave any time soon. Ross wants to come by and see her, but Rachel says he can't because she doesn't have time. Ross shows up at Rachel's office with a picnic. He's setting everything up, but Rachel's telling him she doesn't have time to stop. She's on the phone with a vendor trying to figure out where a shipment went wrong. Ross accidentally sets some flowers on fire. Rachel tells Ross to go home and runs off to do her job. Ross leaves. Rachel comes home with a ton of work. Ross tells her it's okay she got angry because she was stressed. Rachel was hoping for an apology. They get in a huge argument. Rachel's upset that Ross didn't listen when she said she didn't have time. Ross is upset that he hardly ever sees her anymore and feels like he has a relationship with her answering machine. Ross says she spends too much time worrying about her job, and then makes the mistake of bringing up Mark. Rachel freaks out and suggests they take a break. Ross thinks she means from the argument, but she meant a break from their relationship. Ross leaves and meets up with Chandler and Joey at the club with the hot copy place girl, Chloe (Angela Featherstone). Rachel is at home, waiting for Ross to call. The phone rings, but it's Mark. He can tell Rachel's upset, so he decides to come over. Chandler and Joey convince Ross to call Rachel. Rachel tells Mark about the fight. She says she doesn't really want to take a break from her relationship with Ross. Ross calls and things are going okay, until Ross hears Mark talking in the background. He hangs up on Rachel. Chloe won't leave Ross alone, asking if he wants to dance and having a drink with him. Chloe makes Ross dance with her. Rachel calls Ross, but obviously there's no answer. Chloe kisses Ross and Ross ends up kissing her back.

Joey and Chandler: go to the copy place to stare at Chloe. Chloe's co-worker points out that Chandler and Joey have a thing for her. While they're talking to Chloe, she invites them to a club where her co-worker is DJ-ing. They sorta think she's asking them for a threesome at first and they don't know how to feel about that. They're really excited to hang out with Chloe, but they end up discussing the threesome thing. They lay ground rules in case it actually happens. At the club, they listen to Chloe talk about advances in copying technology; they're really bored. Ross comes in and Chloe's really excited to see him. They tell Ross to call Rachel and patch things up with her. They end up dancing together trying to get Chloe's attention.

Monica and Phoebe: Phoebe barges into Monica and Rachel's looking for an atlas. She has a date with a diplomat she met while giving free massages at the U.N. She doesn't know where the diplomat's country is. Monica says she doesn't have an atlas, but she does have a globe. A teeny, tiny pencil-sharpener globe. Phoebe has her first date with Sergei (Jim Pirri), the diplomat. It goes pretty well, even though Sergei doesn't speak any English, until the end of the evening. Sergei's interpreter, Mischa (Stephen Kearney), keeps getting in the way when Phoebe and Sergei want to kiss. Phoebe tells Monica about the date and the issue with the interpreter. Phoebe wants Monica to double-date and distract the interpreter. Monica ends up really hitting it off with Mischa. Mischa doesn't do his duties as translator, being too busy talking to Monica. Phoebe and Sergei can't talk at all. Phoebe tells Monica to back off, but Monica's having a good time and doesn't want to. Sergei scolds Mischa and Mischa quits. He and Monica leave to go to the Rainbow Room. Phoebe and Sergei sing "American Pie" in Central Perk.

• So many things to say about this episode!
  

• We've heard and heard about the hot copy place girl with the belly button ring. This, my friends, is the hot girl.
  

I'm gonna say right off the bat, I don't think she's that hot. She's not highly unfortunate looking or anything, but still. She's sorta got a waif, elf-y thing going. She's very thin and pointy. It's not a bad thing, but I don't think it makes her look particularly appealing. Also, I've looked a couple times, maybe I'm just missing it, but I'm not seeing a belly button ring.

• The Wedding Singer is one of my favorite movies. I've seen it more times than I can count. I was probably destined to never like Chloe because the same actress plays Linda. You know, the woman who ditches Adam Sandler on the day of their wedding. Every time I see this woman I think, "Aunt Linda, you a bitch."
  

• I get why Ross is upset this time. Really, I do. But y'know that if Rachel ever tried to bring him a picnic when he was having a dinosaur emergency, he'd flip the eff out.
  

And if Rachel accidentally set fire to a Neanderthal mannequin, y'know Ross's head would explode. So what's with the double standard? It really bothers me that Ross doesn't take Rachel's job seriously.

• Chandler and Joey are really bored by Chloe, yet they spend most of the episode trying to sleep with her. I honestly don't get how men can be with someone who's boring or a bitch, just because she's hot. I'd think it'd get old really fast. It boggles my mind.
  

• Phoebe, Sergei, and Mischa

It's like the casting director got confused about which was the diplomat and which the interpreter. Mischa is very distinguished and mature, but Sergei's like a male model. As such, he's not very believable as a diplomat.

• There are several things I'd like to say about Ross and Chloe, but I think I'm gonna wait until the next episode.
  

• Chandler and Joey try to lay down threesome ground rules. The only one they come up with is to keep their eyes open at all times. Uh, at least they plan ahead.
  

• Phoebe and Sergei sing "American Pie."

Oh. My. God.
" Wow! You might just get the first Nobel Prize in rubbing." -Monica, to Phoebe when Phoebe explains the free massages at the U.N.

"It's a globe and a pencil sharpener!" -Monica, handing Phoebe the tiny globe.

"Oh, that's my doodle of a ladybug with a top hat. She's fancy." Monica, to Ross and Phoebe.

"Hold it! HOLD IT! What if my eyes are closed, and--and my hand is out there..." -Chandler, while he and Joey lay down ground rules.

"Yeah, I guess, but what's, like, heads and what's tails?"
"Well, if you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you." -Joey and Chandler, discussing threesome placement.

"Yeah, but I got Couscous!!" -Ross, to Rachel about his picnic.

"You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger!" -Rachel, to Ross.

"No. A break from us." -Rachel, to Ross.

"Hey, it's the dinosaur guy!" -Chloe, to Joey and Chandler about Ross.

"And now, anytime anybody wants 400, we just say 'let's Ross it!'" -Chloe, on how Ross is her hero.

"Hey, this isn't like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!" -Chandler, to Ross, about calling Rachel.

"I just hope you--hope you don't accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it." -Phoebe, after giving Monica a tissue.

"My guy has diplomatic coupons. Your guy can't even say coupons." -Monica, to Phoebe.

TOW: Phoebe's ex-Partner

Phoebe: watches a new girl play at Central Perk. Phoebe resents the new girl and the fact that the gang really seems to like her. The girl announces a new song, which is about Phoebe. It turns out that Leslie (Elizabeth Daily)is Phoebe's ex singing partner. Leslie wants to get back with Phoebe, but Phoebe isn't interested. Leslie left her to write commercial jingles and Phoebe's never forgiven her. Monica and Phoebe are hanging out at Monica's, using an Ouija board. Phoebe's pager keeps going off. Finally, Phoebe puts it in a pot and puts the pot in the oven. Leslie won't stop calling her and Phoebe doesn't want to talk to her. Leslie and Phoebe had been friends since childhood and Leslie abandoned her. After awhile, Leslie stops paging Phoebe and Phoebe gets upset. Monica tells Phoebe to go ahead and call Leslie, since she obviously wants to. Phoebe is still reluctant, though, because Leslie hurt her so badly. Leslie is in Central Perk singing, "Sticky Shoes" and Phoebe joins her. Later on, Phoebe teaches Leslie "Smelly Cat." Leslie thinks it'd be a great song for a cat litter commercial, but Phoebe says she isn't interested. They're supposed to play together in Central Perk, but Leslie is running late. She's late because she went to play "Smelly Cat" for the ad-executives she worked for. They loved it and want to use it in an ad, but Phoebe isn't interested. She gives Leslie an ultimatum, she can have "Smelly Cat," but Phoebe won't be her partner. Joey, Monica, and Phoebe watch a cat litter ad that uses "Smelly Cat." Phoebe plays Joey and Monica a new song about Leslie.

Ross and Rachel: Ross visits Rachel at work. They're supposed to go to dinner, but Rachel says she has to come back to work afterward. Mark quit and she has to pick up the slack. Ross is pretty excited that Mark is quitting, but as Mark leaves he says "see you Saturday," to Rachel. Later that night, in bed, Ross brings up Mark's comment. Rachel tells him that she and Mark are going to a fashion lecture. Ross doesn't like that she's still seeing Mark, even though they no longer work together. Rachel tells Ross that she likes spending time with Mark because he enjoys fashion. Ross says he wants to go to the lecture with her. Ross is really bored at the lecture and won't leave Rachel alone. He falls asleep and startles himself awake. When they get home from the lecture they fight about Ross falling asleep. Rachel points out that she went to boring paleontology lectures for Ross and never fell asleep. Ross finally tells her that he feels like he's losing her because he doesn't share this part of her life. Rachel tells him it's okay if he's not in every aspect of her life.

Chandler and Joey: Chandler has to go to the restroom at Central Perk. It's occupied. A woman comes out of the men's restroom. She's attractive and Chandler opts not to go to the bathroom to flirt with her. Her name is Ginger (Sherilyn Fenn). As Ginger leaves Central Perk she sees Joey. Joey attempts to hide from her. The next day, Joey comes in to Monica and Rachel's looking for Chandler. Monica and Phoebe tell Joey that Chandler is with Ginger. Joey gets upset because he knows Ginger will tell Chandler what he did. Monica and Phoebe want to know what Joey did to Ginger, but he doesn't want to tell them. They convince him to. Joey dated Ginger for awhile. They went away to a cabin for the weekend. It was going really well until they went to bed for the night. Joey woke up cold and threw another log on the fire. Only it wasn't a log. It was Ginger's artificial leg. Instead of dealing with the problem, Joey ran away. Chandler and Ginger are on a date and sharing their first kiss. Ginger's standing in a puddle and tells Chandler about her leg. Monica comes by Joey and Chandler's to borrow some milk. She talks to Chandler about Ginger, trying to find out if Chandler knows about the leg and Joey. Chandler does. He tells Monica that the fake leg sorta creeps him out and he feels bad. Joey comes out of his room and they talk about the leg burning. Ginger and Chandler have dinner at the apartment. She asks if the leg really bothers Chandler. Chandler says he's fine with it. They start kissing and Ginger unbuttons his shirt. She discovers the nubbin. It freaks her out and she leaves. Chandler has the nubbin removed, but then thinks that he's lost his comedic powers.

Monica: helps Phoebe with her problems with Leslie. She also talks to Joey and Chandler about Ginger and the fake leg.

• I still can't get my pictures to upload. Damn it.

• I knew Elizabeth Daily did voice work for some cartoon, but I couldn't remember which. She's the voice of Tommy Pickles from Rugrats! I'm really, really excited about that. I don't know why. She's also very Suzanne Somers from Three's Company to me.

• Ross is really ridiculous this episode. Although, I'm highly amused by the Jurassic Parka thing. I'd probably go see that movie. Just sayin.

• Oh, oh, Joey and the artificial leg. It makes me hurt it's so funny. They call it the "leg burning" which sounds like the title of a bad horror film. Just like Jurassic Parka.
  

• I'm not a fan of Ginger. I mean, Joey throwing her leg in the fire is horrible, but she's not particularly endearing.
  

• Phoebe's jingle bitch song reminds me of people I used to know. I sing it whenever I think of them. It will also be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.
  

• Nubbin, we barely knew thee. You'll be sorely missed.
  

• Anybody watch Will and Grace? There's that episode where Grace has the mole on her face frozen and it grows, but she dumps a guy who has six toes because it creeps her out. The nubbin thing is like that, only I kinda like the nubbin thing better. Except for when Grace talks about the tumor, "It had mini-teeth and mini-hair and when they poked it, it said 'ow.'" That's just all kinds of awesome.

• I'm truly bothered by this, I'm not even kidding. Was Rachel a slut in high school or not? The obvious joke Chandler should've made was about Rachel being easy in high school. Let's get our stories straight, people! She either was or she wasn't!
  

• The Mark jealousy stuff is coming to a head in the next two episodes. We all know what that means... "We were on a break!!!" Prepare yourselves.
  

Oh. My. God.
"Okay, see, see everyone else is happy she's done." -Phoebe, as customers in Central Perk applaud Leslie.

"All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again, I'd like to know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish." -Chandler, while Leslie and Phoebe are talking.

"This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 'wait until the last moment before I burst and die'." -Chandler, to Gunther while waiting for the restroom.

"Y'know those are a delicacy in India." -Monica, to Phoebe after Phoebe puts the pager in the oven.

"Well, that's the best kiss I've had with anyone I've ever met in a men's room." -Chandler, to Ginger after their first kiss.

"Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?" -Rachel, to Ross after he asks if she really needs other friends.

"I mean, for all you know I could be a fashion...monger." -Ross, explaining to Rachel why he wants to go to the lecture.

"Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps." -Monica, to Phoebe who is waiting for her pager to go off.

"Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by now, y'know." -Phoebe, telling Leslie she's not interested in writing jingles.

"Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half-and-half, stole my car." -Chandler, to Monica after she says her milk's gone bad.

"Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do. I wonder how many people would go see a movie called Jurassic Parka?" -Ross, making fun of Rachel's profession.

"No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island." -Ross, expanding his Jurassic Parka theme.

"Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell-ell-ell." -Phoebe's new song.

"Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting."
"Wow! It's like Rachel in high school." -Chandler and Monica, after the nubbin removal.

"That was an obvious joke, and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done?!" -Chandler, thinking the nubbin removal also removed his comedic ability.

TOW: Monica and Richard are just Friends

Monica: runs to the video store to return a movie. She's trying to get it back on time, but she's two minutes late. The clerk says she owes six bucks, but she only has three. Richard says he'll help her out. This is the first time they've seen one another since the breakup. Richard points out that Monica has a pair of panties stuck to her jeans and he finds a pair of nylons stuck to her back when they hug. Richard asks Monica to go out for a burger, but she isn't sure it's a good idea. She ends up going with him. The next morning, she tells everyone about running into Richard and how they're going to see each other again. The others tell her to be careful; she just got over him, but now she's getting involved with him again. Monica assures everyone that she and Richard are just friends. He comes over so Monica can help him make lasagna for an event he has to attend. They have a moment while squishing tomatoes, but it passes. After the event, Richard calls and they discuss their friendship. Monica says she's okay with it as it is. There's a knock at the door. It's Richard and they kiss. They have sex and decide to be friends-with-benefits. Richard tells her about a blind date he has, but she tells him not to cancel. Monica comes home after working a double-shift at the diner (where one of her fake boobs is lost in a grill fire. Pity). She walks into her bedroom and Richard's on her bed, which is covered with roses and rose petals. Monica sneaks into Richard's to arrange a romantic evening for him. As she's throwing rose petals on the bed, Richard comes home with his blind date. Monica hides under the comforter and Richard sees her before he shows the date his room. Monica and Richard discuss their relationship. Monica suggests they be exclusive friends. Richard points out that they'll still have the same issues they broke up over. They break it off, but decide to have sex one last time.

Phoebe: dates a jock named Robert. Robert teaches Phoebe all kinds of different sports. Being athletic, Robert enjoys wearing loose fitting athletic shorts. He meets Phoebe at Central Perk one afternoon and Chandler notices you can see up Robert's shorts. He points it out to Ross. At first, Ross doesn't believe Chandler, but then gets a good look for himself. Another day at Central Perk, Joey, Ross, and Chandler see up Robert's shorts. Phoebe finally realizes something's going on. The guys tells her about Robert's problem. Phoebe doesn't know what to do about it and is horrified. She tries buying Robert some stretchy pants, but Robert doesn't want them because they're too tight. Rachel eventually sees up Robert's shorts, too. Phoebe doesn't know what to do. None of the guys will tell Robert about his problem and Phoebe doesn't feel right doing it herself. She decides it might be best to break up with him. She starts having 'the talk' with Robert and he gets upset. Women are always breaking up with him and he doesn't understand why. Gunther comes by the table and ends up being the one to tell Robert he's coming out of his shorts.

Rachel and Joey: Rachel comes home from work late one night. She needs ice, but she and Monica are out. She goes over to Joey and Chandler's. She and Joey end up talking about their days. While she's rummaging around for ice, Rachel finds a copy of The Shining in the freezer. She asks Joey about it and he says that he puts the book in the freezer when it gets too scary. The Shining is his favorite book; he reads it all the time. Rachel says she did that with Little Women, but it's different because it's a classic. They decide to switch books. Joey talks to the guys at Central Perk about how great Little Women is. He thinks Jo is a boy and Laurie is a girl. When Ross and Chandler try to explain Joey thinks they're both girls, but eventually he figures it out. He and Rachel talk about the books at Central Perk. Joey accidentally ends up giving away the ending, so Rachel tells him what happens in Little Women. They go back and forth for a bit, but Rachel tells Joey that Beth dies. Joey gets really upset, so Ross and Chandler tell him it isn't true. They make Rachel go along with it because this is the only other book Joey's ever loved. Joey comes in to Monica and Rachel's upset. Beth is really sick and he thinks she's going to die. Rachel puts the book in the freezer for him.

Chandler: has no idea what to do about Robert. He's the first one to see that Robert hangs out of his shorts. He tells Ross. Chandler tries to give Phoebe advice, but he doesn't want to be the one that tells Robert about the problem.

Ross: is upset because Rachel has to work late a lot. He and Chandler try to help Phoebe with Robert, but neither of them know what to do.

• My internet's being funky, so no pictures today. Sadness. Hopefully things'll be back to normal in the morning.

• There are several episodes that I love parts of, but there are fewer episodes that are completely amazing in every way. This is one of those completely amazing ones. I want to have babies with it.
  

• Joey putting The Shining in the freezer is just epic. Epic, I say. Also, maybe a little ironic since they main character of The Shining *Spoiler Alert* freezes to death at the end.

• I've read and seen The Shining and I never thought it was that scary. A little creepy, maybe, but not hide the book in the freezer frightening. I thought maybe Stephen King stuff just doesn't have that effect on me, but then I remembered I tried to read It once. I got through the prologue and had nightmares for a week. I may have even put it in the freezer.
  

• Little Women was my favorite, favorite book when I was a kid. I read it all the time. I did never understand why Laurie wanted to be called Laurie. My eight year old brain couldn't get over that being a girl's name, even though my dad, brother, and grandfather's middle name is Loren. I wanted to go by Jo, which makes me a huge hypocrite.
  

• Robert coming out of his pants offers me endless amounts of joy. Yeah, that sounds kinda bad, but really, it's hilarious. Especially Gunther's "this is a family place" response. My friends and I used to say that all the time.

• More Monica and Richard. I think Richard waiting for Monica with roses all over the room is the most romantic thing. My hand may've went over my heart and an "awww," may have escaped me. Just sayin.'
  

• Tom Selleck doesn't have a mustache in this episode! I don't know what to do with myself.
  

• It's so predictable that Joey'll have to put the book in the freezer when Beth dies, but I still love it. Not that Beth dies. That he has to put it in the freezer.
  

Oh. My. God

"Wow! Your lip went bald." -Monica, to Richard at the video store.

"Or maybe it's just because God knew I'd be running into you and saw an opportunity." -Monica, explaining why she had panties stuck to her leg.

"Look, just friends. I won't grope you, I promise." -Richard, asking Monica out for a burger.

"Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she's celebrating by going on a date with him." -Chandler, discussing Monica's friendship with Richard.

"Well, you might wanna make a little extra, y'know, you'll probably be hungry after the sex." -Joey, when Monica tells them she's just helping Richard make lasagna.

"He still doesn't want children and I still do, so that's why we're just gonna be friends."
"Naked friends." -Monica and Ross, about Richard.

"But, uh, you're safer from it if it's in the freezer?" -Rachel, finding The Shining in the freezer.

"How little are they? I mean, are they like scary little?" -Joey, wondering about the little women.

"Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flames." -Chandler, when Robert says he's from California.

"Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it."
"Like an eclipse." -Ross and Chandler, after they see Robert's coming out of his shorts.

"Yeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them." -Richard, about how he can touch eyeballs, but think squishing tomatoes is gross.

"But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh, you mean it's like a girl-girl thing? Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining." -Joey, being confused about the gender's of Jo and Laurie.

"Calm down. There's no reason to get testy." -Ross, to Phoebe who's upset the guys are laughing at Robert.

"So, um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?"
"Just your dad. Although, that's actually racquetball." -Monica and Richard, using racquetball as a euphemism for sex.

"Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you, I would wear them every day, every day!" -Chandler, when Phoebe gives Robert the stretchy pants.

"Oh, all blank, and no blank, make's blank a blank blank." -Joey, talking about The Shining in code.

"I can't believe she cracked your code!" -Chandler, to Joey after he gives away the ending of the book.

"Joey's asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson?" -Ross, when Rachel tells Joey that Beth dies.

"No, every time I see him it's like 'is it on the loose?' 'is it watching me?'" -Phoebe, wanting Chandler and Ross to talk to Robert.

"Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house." -Gunther, to Robert.

"Do you want to put the book in the freezer?" -Rachel, to Joey as Beth's dying.

TOW: all the Jealousy

Ross and Rachel: Rachel gets ready for her first day at work. She's really frantic and worried about what she's going to wear. Ross thinks she'll feel better if he takes her out to lunch, but Rachel says she's already going out with Mark. Ross is jealous again. He goes to Chandler and Joey's, complaining about Rachel's relationship with Mark. Mark is helping Rachel at work when her phone rings. Mark answers and it's Ross. Ross is upset that Mark's answering Rachel's phone. Rachel tells him that she and Mark work together, they're both Joanna's assistants. Rachel makes a mistake and has to hang up, but before she can she hears Ross repeatedly slamming the phone down. Rachel has a ton of gifts from Ross on her desk. Mark comments that Ross obviously wants everyone to know Rachel's unavailable. Rachel acts likes it no big deal, but then a barbershop quartet comes arrives. Ross and Rachel argue about all the gifts. Ross acts like he's just doing it to be nice, but Rachel knows that's not the reason. She's talked to Mark about Ross's behavior. Ross talks to Chandler and Joey in Central Perk and they tell him he needs to chill out about Mark. They think Mark is waiting to hit on Rachel. He wants to become the person Rachel confides in; Chandler and Joey think that Mark will take advantage of any problems Ross and Rachel have and make a move on Rachel. Mark is dating a woman at work. They're kissing in Mark and Rachel's office. Ross overhears Mark talking to his girlfriend and thinks Mark is talking to Rachel. Ross storms in and yells at Mark before he realizes Mark isn't kissing Rachel. Ross tries to play down his actions, but it doesn't work. Rachel and Chandler are at Central Perk talking about a bachelor party that Chandler and Ross attended. Ross comes in and he and Rachel discuss the jealousy and make up. Ross has to leave because he's set up a play date for Ben. The mother of the other little boy is the stripper from the bachelor party. Ross wants Rachel to get jealous, but Rachel pretends it's no big deal. She ends up chasing after Ross admitting her jealousy.

Joey: has an audition for a Broadway musical version of A Tale of Two Cities. He doesn't know that A Tale of Two Cities is a novel by Charles Dickens. Joey does really well at the audition and gets a callback. The director reminds Joey to bring his jazz shoes for the dance audition. Joey's surprised there's dancing, but the director assures Joey that he'll be fine, having such a strong dance background. Chandler and Phoebe look at Joey's resume, where Joey's listed years of intensive dance training. They ask Joey if he can dance at all and Joey says of course he can. He demonstrates some typical white guy dance moves. Chandler and Phoebe are horrified. He goes to the dance audition and when he arrives the director asks him to show the dancers the steps. The choreographer couldn't make it and Joey's the only other person with enough experience. The director runs through the moves with Joey and Joey pretends to get them. The director wants to run through the dance. Everyone does some of Joey's dance moves. The director is horrified and tells Joey to show everyone how it's done. Joey runs away.

Monica: is really attracted to a guy at work, Julio. A co-worker leaves early so that Monica and Julio can have some alone time. Monica and Julio discuss what Julio's reading (some Baudelaire). Julio is also a poet. They discuss his poetry and Julio kisses her. After a date with Julio, Monica comes into Chandler and Joey's to tell them (and Phoebe) how great Julio is. She says that while they were fooling around, Julio stopped to write a poem. She took the poem, which is about an empty vase, and has them read it. Joey's a really slow reader, so she leaves for work without learning what they think of the poem. Phoebe comes over while Monica wraps a vase to give to Julio. Phoebe hugs her. At work that night, Monica confronts Julio about calling her an empty vase. Julio says the poem isn't about her. Monica feels better until Julio says the poem's about all American women. Monica has the barbershop quartet come to the diner and sing about how horrible Julio is.

Chandler: has to help plan a bachelor party for a cousin. He asks Ross to go with him because the cousin doesn't have many friends. Chandler has to hire the stripper. After the party, Chandler plays with one of those pens with a dressed, then naked woman.

Phoebe: is the first to figure out that the empty vase poem is about Monica. She isn't sure if she wants to tell Monica, but she ends up explaining when she sees Monica wrapping the vase.

• More fun jealousy, which I've already discussed. I thought Ross felt better after her talk with Monica? Whatever.
  

• It's just one of the best things ever that Joey doesn't know what A Tale of Two Cities is.
  

• So, Julio...

Is sorta hot, I guess. Monica thinks he's so smart and awesome, but seriously, he's a busboy in a diner. I mean, I know there are really smart, talented people in dead end jobs, but puh-lease. Julio thinks he's just the best thing in the world ever. But no.

• I'm all for getting gifts from your significant other at work.
  

But this is pushing it just a little. I sorta want that stuffed bug, though.

• Endless fun with a barbershop quartet.

Barbershop quartets always make me think of The Music Man. Anyway, a selection of their songs:
For Rachel: "Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before your the boss. And you know who will be there to support you? Your one and only boyfriend (It's nice to have a boyfriend) Your loyal, loving boyfriend Ross...Ross!"

For Julio: "Mister Pretension, you think there's no one finger, well your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner. You're no God's gift to women, that's all in your head. You are just a butt-munch (No one like's a butt-munch) And you're also bad in bed."
The Julio one is my favorite.

• Chandler is so amused by the pen he gets at the bachelor party. It's one of those that has a woman dressed in business clothes, but when you click it she's naked. And Chandler thinks his cousin's a geek.

• Joey dances.
  

Gah, I hate when people disable the embedding feature on youtube. Click for more Joey dancing fun!

Oh. My. God.

"Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't think anybody's gonna focus on that as long as you're wearing that towel dress." -Chandler, responding to Rachel's question about her shoes.

"Y'know, botanists are such geeks."
"Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?" -Ross and Chandler, about Chandler's botanist cousin.

"It must take you forever to find your keys." -Chandler, when Phoebe comes in with several purses.

"Well, if the magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then all right." -Chandler, after Phoebe suggests they get a magician instead of a stripper for the bachelor party.

"Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it." -Monica, after Julio kisses her.

"Three years of modern dance with Twila Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!" -Chandler, reading Joey's dance background off his resume

"Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?" -Joey, learning the stripper's name is Crystal Chandelier.

"It's from Ross. It's a love bug." -Rachel, showing Mark a stuffed lady bug.

"Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean, you might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!" -Rachel, yelling at Ross after all the gifts and barbershop quartet.

"Well, why don't you send her a musical bug? Oh, no you already did that." -Chandler, giving Ross advice on the Mark issue.

"It's, uh, step-ity, step and jazz hands." -Joey, trying to do the dance steps at the audition.

"Listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?" -Chandler, playing with his naked lady pen.

"Yeah. Either that or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper." -Chandler, after Rachel kisses Ross before he gets Ben for the play date.

TOW: Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister

Chandler and Joey: Chandler sees Janice and her husband ice skating. It really upsets him how happy they look together. At Joey's party, he does a ton of Jello shot and gets completely wasted. He comes into Monica and Rachel's the next day with a horrible hangover. Joey isn't there and he tells everyone else that he made out with one of Joey's sisters, only he doesn't remember which. The gang is horrified, but they get all the sisters confused, too. Joey storms into Monica and Rachel's and demands to talk to Chandler. Joey's sister called, telling him about her time with Chandler. The sister feels pretty seriously about Chandler and Joey's worried about Chandler's motives. Chandler says that the sister, Mary Angela, is not just a rebound from Janice. Chandler still doesn't know which sister is Mary Angela. Chandler writes a letter breaking off his relationship with Mary Angela. Ross tells him he can't end the relationship with a letter. Chandler goes to Joey's parents' house to talk to Mary Angela, but Joey answers the door. Chandler keeps it together, asking to see Mary Angela. Joey shows Chandler into the dining room, where all the sisters are sitting. Chandler has an awkward dinner with Joey's family. He keeps asking Mary Angela questions, to figure out which sister she is, but the grandma keeps answering. Finally, the sister sitting by Chandler tells him to excuse himself from the table. He does and this sister kisses him. He thinks she's Mary Angela, but she isn't--she's Mary Therese (Mimi Lieber). He asks which one is Mary Angela and Mary Angela (Holly Gagnier) is standing in the doorway to hear. Mary Angela calls Joey in and all the sisters come. Mary Angela tells Joey what happened. The sisters want Joey to hit Chandler, but Joey won't. Chandler apologizes and promises to never do anything like that again. Joey accepts, but wants Chandler to apologize to Mary Angela. Chandler can't remember which is Mary Angela. Another sister, Cookie, punches Chandler.

Rachel and Ross: Rachel can't stand her job with Fortunata Fashions. Her boss, Mr. Kaplan (Shelley Berman) says he has a special, fashion related, task for her. He wants her to organize a closet jammed with hangers. Rachel goes to Monica's diner and complains about her job. She wants to quit, but doesn't feel that she can. There's a man sitting at the counter while Rachel bitches to Monica. During Rachel's story, the man laughs. Rachel gets really offended and brushes him off. Until he tells her he works at Bloomingdale's, they're hiring, and he can get her in for an interview. Rachel shares her news with Ross, who far from being excited, is upset. He thinks this guy, Mark (Steven Eckholdt) , wants to sleep with Rachel. He can't stop talking about how Mark's only motivation is sex. Rachel ignores him. She waits all weekend for Mark to call, but by Sunday night he hasn't. Per Monica's advice, Rachel calls Mark (she has his home number). Ross is upset, but tries to pretend it's no big deal. Mark tells Rachel that she got the interview and it's scheduled for the next day. Mark also offered to take Rachel to lunch and prep her for the interview. Rachel runs off to the apartment to pick out her clothes. Ross yells at Monica for suggesting Rachel call Mark. Monica tells Ross to grow up. Ross waits for Rachel after her interview. She tells Ross that it went really well and she feels good about it. Mark comes out of the elevator and tells Rachel she got the job. Rachel hugs Mark and not Ross.

Monica: is having a problem with the upstairs neighbor (so is Rachel). He took the carpet up and now they can hear everything he does. She thinks Mark is hot and tells Ross. She and Rachel are hanging out at home when they hear the guy upstairs fooling around with Phoebe. They both rush out and end up in Central Perk. Ross is there and this is when Monica tells Rachel to just call Mark. When Ross gets up set at her for her suggestion, Monica says that Ross should be happy for Rachel and not jealous. Just because Mark may want Rachel doesn't mean Rachel feels the same way.

Phoebe: decides to go talk to the loud upstairs guy, even though Monica and Rachel have and he's just too charming. Phoebe goes up with guns blazing, but the guy proves too charming for her as well. So charming, in fact, that at Joey's party, Phoebe tells Monica she'll be going on a date with him. Monica and Rachel hear how well Phoebe's date goes (extremely well). Phoebe feels really good about how things are going between her and the loud guy. That is until everyone hears the guy having sex with another woman. Phoebe's upset and the guys decide to go up and confront the loud guy. The confrontation doesn't go well, the guy upstairs is just too damn charming.

• I like the idea behind Chandler not remembering which sister, but this episode is a little unexciting. Everything is really good, including Phoebe and the guy upstairs and Rachel's job, but...eh.

• Rachel's fashion related project

Maybe "No more wire hangers, EVER!!!" isn't such a bad policy.

• I have several things to say about Ross, Rachel, and Mark. As a seriously jealous person, I get where Ross is coming from. But as a seriously jealous person who knows that her jealousy is ridiculous, I think Ross is being an idiot. Rachel never shows a hint of interest in Mark. Ross's whole issue is that Mark may be interested in Rachel, and so the eff what. Monica's right when she tells him to grow up.
  

This is Mark. He's hot, I guess, but not that great. He looks really smarmy.

• I'm not defending Chandler, what he did was pretty bad, but can you blame him?

They all have rather large dark hair and they all wear shades of red. Unless you knew them incredibly well, you'd get them confused.

• This is the sister who kisses Chandler at dinner.

But she's not Mary Angela, she's Mary Therese. The actress kinda reminds me of Minnie Driver.

• Mary Therese bothers me. She kisses Chandler, but freaks out when Chandler doesn't know which sister is Mary Angela. So it's okay to make out with a guy your sister likes?
  

• And this is Mary Angela

Her fuzzy slippers are awesome. For one of Joey's sisters, she looks almost frumpy.

• Joey thinks he can do magic.
  

Oh.My. God.

"Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling." -Ross, hearing the loud guy walking upstairs.

"I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them." -Chandler, after seeing Janice and her husband.

"Stick out your tongue!"
"Take off your shirt!" -Monica and Chandler, while Chandler is drunk.

"Huh. Sounds like Mark wants to have some sex." -Ross, learning about what Mark's doing for Rachel.

"I didn't have to because I was wearing my 'I heart Ross' sandwich board and ringing my bell." -Rachel, when Ross asks if she told Mark she had a boyfriend.

"Okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?" -drunk Chandler, when Joey's sisters come in.

"Those are some huge breasts you have." -drunk Chandler, to one of Joey's sisters.

"Well, my apartment isn't there anymore because I drank it." -Chandler, hungover.

"Are you insane? I mean, Joey is going to kill you. He's actually going to kill you dead." -Monica. hearing about Chandler not remembering which sister.

"Well, that's the part where you tell him I moved to France. When actually I'll be in Cuba." -Chandler, showing Ross his letter to Mary-Angela.

"High collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro!" -Ross, advising Rachel what to wear for her lunch with Mark and interview.

"What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?" -Ross, upset with Monica for suggesting Rachel call Mark.

"Eavesdropping? Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down." -Rachel, letting Phoebe know they heard how her date went.

"Maybe he's jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it? (Pause) Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?" -Ross, trying to ease Phoebe's mind when they hear the guy upstairs with someone else.

TOW: Rachel Quits

Rachel: is working when Gunther tells her that Terry wants her to be trained again. Rachel's furious. She starts re-doing her training and hates every minute of it. During her training one day, she starts talking to Chandler and Joey about how much she hates her job. They tell her to quit so she'll have the motivation to find a job in a field she wants to work in. She really wants to work in fashion. After this conversation, Gunther calls her over to show her which pot is regular and which is decaf. She gives her weeks notice and Gunther is heart broken. When her last week is nearly over, she comes into the apartment with resumes. She enlists the others to help her stuff the envelopes. She's freaking out because she quit, but doesn't have any prospects. She yells at Chandler for convincing her to quit. Joey comes in and tells her that his dad is doing plumbing work for a company called Fortunata Fashions and they're hiring. Joey offers to get her an interview and she agrees. She comes back from her interview even more upset because it didn't go well; she's sure she didn't get the job. She ends up getting hired. She serves her last cup of coffee at Central Perk. She makes a speech about how she's done serving coffee, but she'll miss everyone. Gunther runs out of the room. At her new job, Rachel gets to make her boss coffee.

Ross: Ross and Chandler come back from playing racquetball. Ross lectures Chandler about the proper way to backhand. He decides to demonstrate a backhand as they're going up the stairs; he swings and knocks down a little girl who's selling cookies for the Brown Birds. In Central Perk, Ross talks about how he broke the little girl's leg. He feels really bad and is planning to go visit her that afternoon. The girl's name is Sarah (Mae Whitman) and Ross tries to make her feel better about the broken leg. He talks about how she gets time off school and doesn't have to sell cookies anymore. The only problem is, Sarah wanted to sell the cookies because the girl who sells the most gets a trip to Space Camp. Sarah loves anything to do with Space and really wanted the trip. She doesn't have a very good home life because her dad gambles a lot and they don't have very much money. Ross decides to buy enough boxes so that Sarah'll win, but it'll be too expensive. Instead, he ends up selling them for her. He gets yelled at by an old woman in an apartment building for pretending to be ab Brown Bird; she calls 911. Ross makes the gang all buy a couple of boxes. Ross ends up selling 517 boxes. After selling 50 boxes when a Laser Floyd concert gets over at the museum, Ross realizes that the key to his success is the munchies. He starts going to NYU at midnight and makes tons of sales. Ross goes to a Brown Bird meeting for Sarah to see which girl sold the most cookies. Ross is sure he won and gets in a fight with one of the girls. One of the girls sold 871 boxes. Ross tries to make his total higher, but the group leader knows what he's up to. Ross ends up losing to a girl who gave her teenage sister her uniform and sent her to a Navy ship where she sold nearly a thousand boxes. Ross feels bad that Sarah can't go to Space Camp. He brings Sarah to Joey and Chandler's where they've set up a pretend Space Camp.

Phoebe and Joey: Joey's got a job selling Christmas trees. He leaves for work one evening and Phoebe expresses her horror at all the killing of trees. Joey tries to convince her that the tree's are fulfilling their Christmas destinies. Phoebe visits him at work to try to change her idea about the Christmas tree operation. It goes pretty well until Phoebe sees a sad, dead tree. She asks Joey what happens to it and he tells her it'll be moved to the back and go into the chipper. Phoebe sees the chipper in action and freaks. One evening, Joey makes a sale and Phoebe runs up to the gentleman with one of the old, dead trees. She tries to get the guy to buy a dead tree so it can fulfill it's Christmas destiny. The guy decides not to buy a tree yet and Joey tells Phoebe she has to stop because he's working on commission. Monica comes to buy a tree and Phoebe tries to get her to buy the dead one, but Monica won't. Phoebe decides to give up. Phoebe and some of the others walk into Monica and Rachel's to see it filled with the dead trees. Monica and Joey got them for Phoebe so they could fulfill their destinies.

Monica: wants nothing to do with the Brown Bird cookies. When Ross makes everyone buy a few boxes, Monica refuses. She started gaining weight as a child when she was a Brown Bird and sold cookies. Mr. Geller had to buy every single one of her boxes because Monica ate them all. Ross makes her take some boxes. While Ross is totaling up his sales, Monica comes to him for a few more boxes of "Mint Treasures." Ross says they're sold out and she begs him for some. Ross says no, that he's cutting her off because she's out of control.

Chandler: helps convince Rachel to quit at Central Perk. He helps her make up and print out her resumes on his computer. He runs away when Rachel freaks out about having quit her job, but having no prospects. He and Joey help Ross with the Space Camp for Sarah.

• I really like the Brown Bird aspect of this episode, but I get kinda bored with Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey. There stuff is entertaining, but not too exciting.

• Ross is such a doofus. You don't practice your backhand on a staircase!

• I find it unrealistic that Sarah's dad doesn't sue Ross. I mean, I know that's not exactly the way Friends goes, but seriously. This guy is apparently a heavy gambler, you think he's going to pass up the opportunity for money? I don't really think so. But maybe that's my cynical, twenty-first century attitude. I also find it unrealistic that someone would let their young daughter pal around with strange men in NYC. This is about to be an episode of Law & Order: SVU.
  

• Sarah, our Brown Bird friend.

If this little girl looks familiar, it may be for several reasons. Currently she plays Lauren Graham's daughter on Parenthood.


Or you may have seen her as Sandra Bullock's daughter in Hope Floats, or as the President's daughter in Independence Day. My particular favorite, though, is her role on Arrested Development. That's right, it's George-Michael's girlfriend, Egg!! (or Ann, but I prefer Egg). This is only significant because I spent a large amount of time trying to figure out where I knew the Brown Bird girl from.

• Ross goes door-to-door to sell Sarah's cookies. An angry old woman threatens him through her peep hole (that sounds so dirty.)

When I was in high school, I had to go around selling photography packages to raise money for our speech team (I don't know why, it was a supreme waist of time). Anyway, I went door-to-door and an old lady ripped up the information card and threw it in my face. I've never fully recovered.

• Aw, several dead trees.
  

Yay!

• It's quite possible this is the best thing ever.

I wanna be spun around by Joey, Chandler, and Ross in a foil covered recliner.

• I love the absurdity of the names of the cookies. Cream filled Jesus's? Amazing.
  

• Whenever I look at this episode's title, I think it's TOW: Rachel Quilts. I'm always like "they had to make a whole episode of her quilting?" Then I realize.
  

Oh. My. God.
"Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?" -Chandler, reading the comics.

"Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl is not a backhand."
"I was shrieking like a Marine." -Ross and Chandler, discussing Chandler's backhanding abilities.

"Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. Where exactly were you around ten-ish?" -Chandler, after Ross breaks Sarah's leg

"Yes. Yes, and uh, uh, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it's their only chance to see New York." -Chandler, trying to make Phoebe feel better about the lives of Christmas trees.

"You're no Brown Bird, I can see you through my peephole." -the Old Lady, to Ross as he sells cookies.

"All right, I'll take a box of the cream filled Jesus's." -Joey, buying some Brown Bird cookies.

"Ahh, do you have any coconut flavored deities?" -Chandler, buying cookies.

"Come on, all the cool kids are eating 'em!" -Ross, trying to get Monica to buy more boxes of cookies.

"Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for coffee?" -Chandler, after Rachel quits.

"I spelled out boobies." -Chandler, playing with a calculator.

"Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on your neck." -Ross, cutting Monica off.

"They call me 'Cookie duuuude'." -Ross, about his college kid munchie strategy.

"Run, Joey! Run for your life!" -Chandler, when Rachel's mad at him for talking her into quitting.

"Snow-in-a-can!!!" -Joey, showing everyone the snow. In a can.

"You're a big scrud." -a Brown Bird, that Ross sits by at the meeting.

"Um, that's because my doctor says that I have a very serious...nuget...deficiency." -Ross, explaining to the troop leader why he bought so many boxes himself.

"Well, seeing that drunk Santa wet himself really perked up my Christmas." -Chandler.

"It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees'." -Chandler, coming into Monica and Rachel's and seeing the trees.

"Sure, everybody loves a kidder." -Chandler, while Rachel's on the phone being told she got the job.

"I'm an alien! I'm an alien!" -Chandler, at Sarah's Space Camp.

TOW: the Football

The deal: it's Thanksgiving again!!! The girls are preparing the food and the guys are watching football. The game goes into half-time and Joey suggests they all go out and play some ball.

Ross and Monica: aren't sure about playing football because their mom forbade them from playing every again. Ross and Monica tell the others about the 'Geller Bowl," the annual Geller Thanksgiving football game. Ross and Monica were always the team captains, but they fought horribly. During Geller Bowl VI, Monica broke Ross's nose to win the 'Geller Cup,' and that's when Mrs. Geller told them they could no longer play football. Mr. Geller threw the Geller Cup into the lake. Despite all of this, Monica and Ross decide to play. They are team captains. Monica's team is Joey and Phoebe; Ross's is Chandler and Rachel. Monica sets an oven timer because she has to go in to baste the turkey. Monica's team is winning and Ross is angry. They fight a lot. They buzzer goes off and Phoebe's scored a touchdown. Ross's team says it doesn't count because the buzzer rang, but Monica's team argues it went off after the snap, so the touchdown counts. Things escalate between Ross and Monica until Monica decides they should come out and play more. Ross is reluctant until Monica shows him the Geller Cup (she got it out of the lake). Ross decides to play. Monica tackles Chandler, and Ross decides they're playing dirty. They tackle and clothesline one another. Monica's team is winning and time is running out. Ross is mad. Monica decides they'll make it girls against guys. With a minute left on the timer, the guys are winning. Monica rallies her team and they run two more drives. On the second, the ball is in play, but on the ground. Monica and Ross jump on it. They stay outside late into the night, after the others have went in for dinner, fighting for the ball. It starts to snow. They finally decide to call it a tie and to throw the Geller Cup away. They put it in the trash shoot together, but Monica has Phoebe down at the bottom. Ross goes down to get the Geller Cup and finds Phoebe at the bottom of the trash shoot.

Chandler and Joey: Joey suggests the play football, but Chandler doesn't want to. He's still upset about his breakup with Janice, but Joey convinces him he needs to get on with his life. Chandler comes to play. During a play, Joey misses the catch and the ball rolls to a beautiful girl (Suzanna Voltaire). Joey starts talking to her; she's Dutch and he flirts with her. Chandler comes up and starts flirting with her, too. Chandler tells Joey he wants to ask for the Dutch girl's number. Joey says he was going to, but he'll let Chandler. Chandler's offended by Joey's attitude and says they should both go for her. They go back to playing and Chandler fumbles the ball. Joey gets it and trying to tag him, Chandler rips his shirt. Joey's angry because it's his favorite jersey; he decides to go for the Dutch girl, even though he wasn't going to. He and Chandler compete for her attention. Joey has trouble concentrating because Chandler is closer to the girl. Monica tackles Chandler to humiliate him, but it doesn't really work. The teams are switched, so that Chandler, Joey, and Ross are all on the same team. Chandler quizzes Joey about the Netherlands, which Joey knows nothing about. Joey refuses to play with Chandler. Ross comes out and asks the Dutch girl which she'd choose. She picks Chandler. He gloats and she changes her answer to neither of them. Chandler doesn't care because a girl picked him over Joey.

Rachel: is excited to play football, but isn't too great at it.She's the last picked and it hurts her feelings. She can't catch and Ross keeps telling her to "go long." She spends most of the game fidgeting and playing with her gum. At one point, she goes for a pretzel. She feels worse about herself when Monica makes the teams guy vs. girl. She suggests that Monica let her throw because she's good at that. Monica agrees. Rachel gets the ball, but when all the guys run at her, she freaks out. She runs away and ends up hitting Monica in the head with the ball. For the last play, Rachel is the only one open. Monica throws it to her, having no other choice. Rachel catches it and in her excitement throws it down to celebrate. Chandler points out that she's not in the end zone and the guy's team won. Phoebe points out that nobody tagged Rachel, so the play is still going. Everyone jumps on the ball.

Phoebe: has never played football, but is really excited to try. She's not too bad. In the last few minutes of the game, she flashes Chandler to distract him.

• Rachel stuffs a marshmallow in Monica's nose.

I'd do the same if someone was nagging me about proper marshmallow placement.

• Phoebe wears a That Girl t-shirt.

Rachel's mom is played by Marlo Thomas, who also played the lead role in That Girl.

• The Dutch girl

Isn't very hot at all. She kinda looks like a hooker.

• Rachel doesn't get to play very much.
  

No one notices when she leaves to get a pretzel, but I think it's awesome.

• I love this strategy for playing football!

I might have to try this sometime.

• All of Monica and Ross's fuss is over this crappy thing.

• Ross is a dick through this whole episode. He really gets on my nerves when he and Monica do their Geller competitive thing. I generally like Ross, but he's hard to take here.
  

• Matthew Perry is waaaay too thin. You can sorta tell in the picture where he gawks at Phoebe's boobs. He's just skin and bone. I think his skinniness is accentuated by the baggy clothes, but either way he doesn't look healthy.

• The way Monica and Ross talk about 'the lake' makes it seem like something on their parents property. Geez. I mean a pond, maybe, but a whole entire lake? I wish I had a lake.

• Joey thinking that the Netherlands and Neverland are the same thing is effing hilarious.
  

• I say "I'm a tiny little woman!" all the time. Especially to get out of chores that involve manual labor.
  

• I'm not sure if the moment where Ross and Monica throw the Geller Cup in the trash shoot was in the episode when it originally aired.
  

Oh. My. God.
"Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles." -Monica, criticizing Rachel's cooking skills.

"Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football."
"Says who? Your mom?" -Ross and Joey.

"It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just kept running." -Ross, telling the events of Geller Bowl VI

"And was the curse lifted?" -Chandler, when Ross says their dad threw the Geller Cup into the lake.

"But wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom won't let me cross the street." -Chandler, making fun of how Ross and Monica's mom says they can't play football.

"All right, we have to pick captains."
"And then Tennilles." -Joey and Chandler.

"Wow! Just like in the pros!" -Chandler, after Monica sets her oven timer to baste her turkey.

"Losers walk!"
"Yeah? Losers talk!"
"No, no, no, actually losers rhyme." -Monica, Ross, and Chandler, after Monica's team scores first.

"Until we start to look very small." -Ross, telling Rachel how long to go for.

"Wow, you're like from a whole other country." -Joey, meeting the Dutch woman.

"Math!! You're giving me math!?!" -Chandler, when Joey says he's not good with girls, but with numbers.

"Prepare to feel very bad about yourself."
"Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that's mean!" - Joey and Chandler, failing to insult Joey.

"Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!" -Phoebe, catching the ball for the first time.

"Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater." -Ross, taunting Monica.

"Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?" -Chandler, about the Geller Cup.

"I went really long." -Rachel, after she gets a pretzel.

"Nice try. See, the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from." -Joey, telling the Dutch girl about the Netherlands.

"Well, why don't you have Captain Hook explain it to her?" -Chandler, to Joey when the Dutch girl picks him.

"I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!!" -Chandler, after the Dutch girl chooses him.

"Come on you hairy-backed Marries!" -Monica, taunting the guys.

"Let go! I'm a tiny little woman!!" -Monica, when she and Ross fight for the ball.

"The important thing is, the Dutch girl picked me! Me!! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!" -Chandler, still celebrating about the Dutch girl.

TOW: the Giant Poking Device

Phoebe: takes a brownie that Rachel makes and spits it out. Not because it wasn't good, but because she has a horrible toothache. Ross says he knows a good dentist, but Phoebe has a dentist, she just doesn't want to go to him. Several people she knows have died while she's been at the dentist and she refuses to go. At Central Perk, she tries to take a bite out of an apple, but she can't. Rachel convinces her to just go to the dentist. When she leaves for her appointment she tells everyone to be careful. After her trip to the dentist, she runs into Monica and Rachel's, excited to see they're alive. She starts calling everyone she knows to ensure they lived. Phoebe's finally convinced she didn't kill anyone she knows by going to the dentist, but Joey notices that Ugly Naked Guy isn't moving. Phoebe has to know if he's alive, so they fashion a giant poking device out of chopsticks. Ugly Naked Guy is still alive.

Joey: comes into Central Perk with Monica and they tell everyone (but Chandler) about Janice's kiss with her ex. Joey doesn't know what to do, but he really doesn't want to tell Chandler. He and Chandler walk by a jewelry store and Chandler contemplates buying Janice pearls for her birthday. Joey tries to talk him out of it by suggesting other gifts, but Chandler doesn't like any of them. Joey tells Chandler what he saw. After Phoebe's dentist appointment, Joey notices that Ugly Naked Guy isn't moving. He suggests they fashion a giant poking device to see if Ugly Naked Guy is still alive. He goes to his apartment and sees Chandler. They talk about what happened between Chandler and Janice and Joey says that if he was Chandler, he'd bow out because Janice has a family. Joey and the others use the poking device. They all enjoy poking Ugly Naked Guy.

Chandler: has no idea about Janice's betrayal. He's planning to buy her something really great and expensive for her birthday. When he and Joey walk past a jewelry store, he contemplates getting her pearls. Joey doesn't want him too, and Chandler can't figure out what Joey's problem is. Chandler decides to ignore him and go into the store, but before he can Joey tells him about Janice and her ex. Chandler waits for Janice and when she comes in to the apartment he confronts her. Janice is astounded that Chandler found out; there was also more than one kiss between her and her ex. Janice hyperventilates. Chandler asks who she cares for more, but Janice cares for them both. Chandler wants her to choose, but she doesn't know who she wants. When Joey comes in for chopsticks for the poking device, Chandler's angrily playing darts. He doesn't care about the poking device at all. He and Joey discuss what happened and Joey tentatively offers his advice. Chandler meets with Janice at Central Perk and ends their relationship. He's decided Joey was right and he doesn't want to be the one to come between a family. As Janice leaves, Chandler freaks out and changes his mind. He begs her not to go back to her husband and clings to her leg. He steals her shoe, but she walks out. At the end of the episode, he listens to "Endless Love." Phoebe comes in to his apartment and they sing together.

Ross, Rachel, and Monica: Ross has Ben, but gets a call from the museum. He has to go in and fix a display. He asks Monica to watch Ben, but Rachel gets her feelings hurt. Ross asks her instead. Rachel plays with Ben for a bit, but decides he's bored. Monica takes him to play the airplane game. She throws him up in the air, which he really enjoys, until she throws him into the exposed beam that separates the kitchen from the living room. She and Rachel freak out about it. Monica decides they won't tell Ross, which Rachel is okay with until she sees that Ben has a bump. They decide Ben needs a hat, but they don't have a child's hat. Rachel has a bear that's dressed in rainy day gear. She gets the bear for his hat. They end up dressing Ben in the bear's whole outfit, but Ben's started saying "Monica bang." Monica tries to bribe him with ice cream, but he keeps saying "Monica bang." Ross comes home and makes fun of the outfit. Ben says "Monica bang," but Monica laughs it off. When Ross puts Ben down for his nap, he sees the bump. He tells Rachel it's okay, but she really needs to watch him at all times the next time she babysits. Rachel's offended and rats Monica out. Ross tells Monica that Ben's forgot two of the letters in the alphabet song and one of his legs is moving funny and he's walking around in circles. Monica's horrified, but then realizes Ross is teasing. She chases him around the apartment until he runs into one of the support beams. They all participate in the poking.

• The list of people who've died while Phoebe is at the dentist: Her Aunt Mary, her mailman, and her friend Albino Bob. Uh, I want a friend we call Albino Bob.
  

• I guess Rainy Day Bear is supposed to be like Paddington Bear, only in yellow?

• I really don't think they needed to dress Ben in the entire Rainy Day Bear ensemble.
  

But is that not the most adorable thing ever??

• I feel bad for Chandler. He's in a really tough situation. Though why Janice would choose the Mattress King over him is beyond me.
  

• This is just a really funny picture.

Inexplicably, this picture makes me think of Templeton from Charlotte's Web.

• It kills me when Chandler steals Janice's shoe.
  

She limps out of Central Perk with dignity, though. Well, as much dignity as one can have in those pants.

• Admit it, you've always wanted to create a giant poking device to harass your fat, naked neighbor with.

I was going to fashion my own giant poking device for the purpose of this blog, but alas, I didn't have enough chopsticks. You should all lament accordingly.

• Chandler and Phoebe sing "Endless Love."

I have endless love for the fact that he's still got her shoe.

Oh. My. God.
"See. That is the problem with invisible dentists." -Chandler, when Phoebe says she can't see her dentist.

"It's, it's, it's just ah--a coincidence."
"Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, they're dead." -Ross and Phoebe, about the people dying when she's at the dentist.

"Oh, like you don't already have everything." -Gunther, after Ross asks for napkins.

"Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doh fat factory." -Joey, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"If the Homo Sapiens were in fact 'Homo-Sapien,' is that why they're extinct?"
"Joey, Homo Sapiens are people."
"Hey--hey I'm not judging." -Joey and Ross, when Joey is confused about what Homo-Sapiens are.

"Oh my God! Well, push it in! Push it in!"
"I cannot push it in!" -Monica and Rachel, seeing the bump on Ben's head.

"Oh, oh, oh, I'll get Rainy Day Bear!!"
"Because he'll know what to do?" -Rachel and Monica, looking for a small hat for Ben.

"Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today." -Rachel, when Monica rips Rainy Day Bear's head off.

"That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice, have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'." -Chandler, after Joey suggests he buy Janice gum.

"All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything EVER." -Chandler, after Joey says he should get Janice a barium enema.

"Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh?" -Joey, telling Chandler about Janice and her ex.

"Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it." -Rachel, when Monica wants her to bang her head as an example to Ben.

"Okay, If you're alive you answer your phone!" -Phoebe, yelling at Chandler when he doesn't answer the phone while he's fighting with Janice.

"What'd you do, take him whaling?" -Ross, seeing Ben in the Rainy Day outfit.

"Monica Bang!"
"Oh, that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I exploded." -Ben and Monica.

"And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving?" -Ross, discussing what to do about Ugly Naked Guy.

"Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them because she choked on the receipt!" -Chandler, upset about ending his relationship with Janice.

"Are you okay? Do you wanna, uh, come poke a nude guy?" -Joey, comforting Chandler.

"I hope it's still funny when you're in hell." -Rachel, after Ross lies to Monica about Ben's behavior.

"You can't leave! I have your shoe!" -Chandler, after ending his relationship with Janice and not wanting her to go.

"I'm telling you, he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick." -Phoebe, while they're poking Ugly Naked Guy.

"And yet, we're still poking him." -Monica, after Ugly Naked Guy moves.

TOW: the Race Car Bed

Chandler: hangs out at Monica and Rachel's with Janice. They're watching tv when a commercial for the Mattress King comes on. The Mattress King (Mark Cohen) is Janice's ex-husband. Everyone kind of makes fun of the Mattress King, especially because he uses his divorce to sell mattresses. Chandler walks into Monica's room to ask her if she wants sushi and sees the race car bed. He makes fun of it, but doesn't suspect she got it from the Mattress King. At the end of the episode, he plays on the race car bed and Rachel catches him.

Monica: isn't horrified by the Mattress King's commercial. Instead, she's excited about how cheap the prices are and wants to get a mattress. She goes to the store with Phoebe, who thinks that buying a mattress from Janice's ex is a betrayal of Chandler. Monica finds a mattress and buys it. She isn't at home when the bed is delivered, but when she walks into her bedroom she's horrified to see it's the race car bed. Monica wants to send it back, but Phoebe says the store won't take it back because it was signed for. When Chandler comes in, Monica acts like it's always been her bed. Monica and Joey go to the Mattress King to get them to take the bed back. Monica demands to speak to the King and storms back to his office.

Phoebe: goes with Monica to the Mattress King the first time. She's against Monica getting a bed from Janice's ex and tries to talk her out of it. She changes her tune when she sits on the mattress Monica picks out. Phoebe's alone at Monica and Rachel's when Joey comes in talking about his All My Children audition. Phoebe suggests they box each other and she ends up giving him a nose bleed. The mattress is delivered during their little boxing match and Phoebe signs for it. She's trying to help Joey with his nose when the delivery guys bring the bed in. She doesn't notice it's the race car bed. When Phoebe realizes what happened she freaks out, worrying about what Monica'll do when she sees the race car bed. When Monica gets home Phoebe tells her that the store won't take the bed back because it was signed for.

Rachel and Ross: are supposed to have dinner with Dr. Green. Ross doesn't want to go because Dr. Green doesn't like him. Rachel promises sex if Ross will just go to dinner with her and her Dad. Ross agrees to go. The dinner doesn't go well. Dr. Green complains about their table, doesn't act happy to see Ross, thinks Ross is a librarian, and is disgusted when Ross can't eat lobster because he's allergic. It only gets worse when Ross notices how much Dr. Green tipped. Dr. Green only tipped, like, 4% and Ross is horrified. He asks why Rachel doesn't talk to her dad about it, and Rachel says that she has but it doesn't change anything. As the get up, Ross drops a twenty on the table. Dr. Green notices the twenty and is furious. He makes Ross pay for the whole $200 dinner. Rachel's really upset and she and Ross argue about it. She just wants Ross and her dad to get along. She decides they need to have her dad over for brunch and make things right between him and Ross. Ross agrees, but doesn't think the brunch will make much of a difference. At first, Ross is right. Dr. Green is cold and obviously still upset about the tip incident. Things change when Ross rubs his neck, which has been hurting. Rachel tells him he needs to go to her chiropractor and Ross makes fun of the chiropractor. He and Dr. Green agree about the ridiculousness of that profession. They make fun of Rachel for thinking that one of her legs is longer than the other. Then they ridicule Rachel for not having renter's insurance.

Joey: gets a job at the learning extension teaching a class about acting for soap opera's. He's really excited. He teaches his first class and it goes okay. He makes a big speech about having a rare blood disorder, but the class doesn't understand he was doing soap opera acting. He talks about Days of Our Lives and tells them the most important thing is reacting. Joey goes to Monica and Rachel's when Phoebe's there and tells her how great his first class was. He's also got an audition to play 'Nick the Boxer' on All My Children. Phoebe suggests they practice boxing, Joey agrees, and gets punched in the nose. Phoebe's helping him and neither of them notice the delivery guys bringing in the race car bed. At his next class, Joey talks about the tricks of the trade; telling the class how he'd make himself cry and showing them his 'evil' and 'bad news' looks. After the class, one of his students comes up to ask for help with an audition. He's going out for the part of Nick the Boxer. Joey watches the student read for the role. The student is really good and Joey gets his evil look. At Central Perk, he tells the group he told the student to play the role gay. Everyone is horrified, but Joey justifies it by saying he really wants the part. At his next class, Joey makes a big speech on what not to do to other actors. He's really emotional and admits what he told the student and that the student got the part because the people at All my Children liked the gay thing. The class applauds. He goes with Monica to the Mattress King to get them to take the race car bed back. He sees Janice kissing the King.

• This episode isn't particularly exciting, but I kinda love it. I think it's the whole idea of the race car bed that gets to me.

The face Chandler's making sorta reminds me of Bill Murray's character in Caddyshack.

• You know those horribly irritating low-budget local commercials? That's what the Mattress King thing is.

Y'know how you can see some guys and be immediately repulsed by them? That's how I feel about the Mattress King.

• I'm vaguely interested in what season it's supposed to be in Friends world. I'm assuming it's fall, but it's hard to tell. Sometimes Rachel wears long-sleeves and other times she wears sleeveless. And a winter coat.
  

In all fairness, that's a freaking awesome coat.

• Dr. Green = douche. I don't blame Ross for giving an extra tip. I wouldn't have done it, generally being terrified of confrontations, but still. How could you tip so little for a $200 meal? Cheap bastard.
  

• I think it's hilarious that Joey tells his student to play the Nick the Boxer role gay.
  

It's an awful, awful thing he does. But I'm still going to giggle every time I see it. Plus, Karma and all that--his nefariousness doesn't get him the role.

• I think Ross is a jerk when he bonds with Dr. Green over all the things Rachel does wrong. If I were Rachel, I'd be pretty pissed.

• Janice, how could you??

Ew, Janice. Just, ew.

• I think Maggie Wheeler has a cold. Her voice is extra thick and nasally this episode.

• Chandler calls the Mattress King a wank. I love when he calls people wanks!

• Gunther's in love with Rachel.

• No matter how much I dislike Dr. Green, it's friggin' awesome that he calls Ross 'wethead.'
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?" -Monica, thinking about Ross's boring story.

"If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best." -Chandler, during Ross's story.

"Question. Was uh, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighborhood?" -Joey, when Ross and Monica discuss playing Happy Days.

"What a wank!" -Chandler, watching the Mattress King commercial.

"Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good. I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry." -Ross, learning he's supposed to go to dinner with Rachel and Dr. Green.

"I just want him to love you like do. All right, well not exactly like I do." -Rachel, about why she wants Ross to come to dinner.

"See, that's why I could never be an actor. Because I can't say 'gig'." -Chandler, when Joey talks about his teaching job.

"Hi. Y'know, in England this car would be on the other side of the store." -Phoebe, talking to a kid in the mattress store.

" Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window." -Phoebe, telling the delivery guys which room is Monica's.

"There never was a library. I mean, there are libraries, it's just that I uh, I never worked at one." -Ross, correcting Dr. Green about his job.

"Rust is boat cancer, Ross."
"Wow, I'm sorry. When I was a kid I lost a bike to that." -Dr. Green and Ross, during dinner.

"The carbon, it's messy. I mean, it gets on your fingers and causes the uh--the uh night blindness." -Ross, attempting to get Dr. Green not to go back for his receipt.

"Well, Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'." -Ross, about his new nickname.

"Four percent, okay! I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food." -Ross, arguing with Rachel about the tip.

"I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your father up and say 'Like me! Like me, tiny doctor!'" -Ross, about why he doesn't think brunch will help.

"Whoa-hoa, somebody missed the off ramp." -Chandler, seeing the race car bed.

"Okay, well, if this bed isn't new, how come there's still plastic on it?"
"Sometimes I have bad dreams." -Chandler and Monica, hiding that the bed is from the Mattress King.

"You told him to play the boxer gay!!" -Chandler, learning what Joey did.

"Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?" -Dr. Green, greeting Ross at brunch.

"Well, what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?" -Dr. Green, making fun of Rachel.

"All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring." -Chandler, getting caught playing on the race car bed.