TOW:Eddie Won't Go

Chandler: wakes up one night to find Eddie in his bedroom, watching him sleep. Eddie admits he watches Chandler sleep pretty frequently. Chandler orders him to move out and Eddie says he'll be gone by the time Chandler gets home from work. After work, Chandler sneaks around the building, trying to avoid Eddie. He gets into the apartment and thinks Eddie's gone, but Eddie's still there. Eddie's started drying fruit, bought a real fish, and doesn't seem to remember that Chandler's asked him to move out. That night, Chandler stays at Monica and Rachel's. Monica watches him sleeping and freaks him out. The next morning Chandler tells Eddie he absolutely has to leave. Eddie goes with his fish in his pocket (no, that isn't a euphemism). Chandler thinks he's finally gotten rid of Eddie, but he comes to Central Perk with the dismembered head of a mannequin. Eddie doesn't remember Chandler telling him to move out; he seems to think they went on a road trip to Vegas. Chandler changes the locks on the door and moves all of Eddie's stuff out to the hall. He tells Eddie that they've never met and he's always had a roommate, Joey. Joey and Chandler convince Eddie he never lived there and Eddie leaves. Joey is back!

Joey: buys a hat and isn't too upset about losing his job on Days of Our Lives. He thinks that since he was Dr. Drake Ramoray, he'll be able to get another really good job. He meets with Estelle, who has already gotten him an audition. It's for a cab driver on Another World. Joey refuses the audition because he doesn't want to go from a doctor to a cab driver. Joey and Ross are hanging out at Joey's, when Joey gets a gigantic credit card bill. He doesn't have the money to pay for it, being unemployed. Ross tells him to go the Another World audition, but Joey doesn't want to. They fight and Ross leaves. Joey goes to the audition; it doesn't go well. Joey has to send all of his stuff back, to pay off the credit card bill. He moves back in with Chandler and is glad to be back. Yay!

Ross: tries to figure out what's up with the book Rachel and the other girls read. He doesn't really understand it. He tells Joey to do the audition for the cab driver because Joey doesn't know when he'll get another job and he needs the money. It isn't the encouragement Joey wanted and they fight. Ross goes to Joey's to apologize, just as movers are taking Joey's stuff. Joey's sad watching his menagerie of fake animals leaving, so Ross decides to buy him something. Joey wants a $1200 parrot, but all Ross can afford is a $200 plastic dog. It patches things up between them.

Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel: Monica and Phoebe finished reading a book called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's all about women not letting men take power from them. They convince Rachel to read it. The book causes a conflict between Ross and Rachel. Rachel doesn't want Ross to take her wind, so she cancels a movie date on him. Things between the girls sour, however, while they take a "Goddess Quiz." They start arguing about some of their answers to the quiz. Monica and Rachel storm to their rooms. At Central Perk, Rachel brings Monica and Phoebe cake so they'll make up with one another. It works and Rachel takes the cake back because then she'd have to pay for it.

• Eddie watching Chandler sleep is a bit like the chick in Paranormal Activity. I keep waiting for Eddie to try to kill him.

• Bitchin' hat, Joey.
  

• I never thought that drying fruit was a creepy thing until Eddie.
  

• Eddie replaces the cracker with an actual goldfish. I'm sad. I liked the cracker.
  

• I think the self-help mania storyline is funny, but it's not too exciting. I think I'm too focused on the Eddie shenanigans to care much

• Chandler stays on Monica and Rachel's couch. He catches Monica watching him sleep and does this:

Hahahaha

• In what dimension is this not a friggin' weird thing to do?

You'd think someone in Macy's would notice a mannequin decapitation.

• Eddie thinks he and Chandler take a road trip to Vegas and are back in a day...How? I realize I'm trying to rationalize the actions of a crazy person, but I can't help it.
  

• The dog:

I want one.

• Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Chandler gets Joey word-of-the-day toilet paper. Joey uses words like 'jaunty' and 'cache.'
  

• And, another thing, Gunther was on All My Children.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than you." -Chandler, upon finding Eddie watching him sleep.

"No, no, no, I wanna hear it from your lips."
"Where did you hear it from before?!" -Eddie and Chandler, when Eddie doesn't accept Chandler wanting him to move out.

"Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like um, 'Hello, who wants one of my phallic shaped man cakes'?" -Phoebe, after Joey offers them a cruller.

"How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?"
"You, you know I--I don't have a --have a problem with that." -Rachel and Ross, as Rachel spouts some Windkeeper philosophy.

"See, this is why I don't date women who read." -Joey, talking to Ross about the Windkeeper book.

"Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgmental and condescending and pedantic."
"Toilet paper?"
"Yeah." -Joey and Ross, during their argument.

"Look, I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot feistier than the last one."
"Maybe cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm" -Eddie and Chandler, on their new goldfish.

"Why must everybody watch me sleep?! There'll be no more watching me sleep!! No more watching!!" -Chandler, after catching Monica watching him sleep.

"You, MOVE OUT! Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!" -Chandler, having enough of Eddie.

"This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue!" -Chandler, assuring Eddie that he wants him to go.

"Only cause you took up half the circle!" -Rachel, to Monica about a childhood game of spin-the-bottle.

"You spent 1200 dollars on a plastic bird?" -Ross, wanting to buy Joey the bird back.

"Ding dong, the psycho's gone!" -Chandler, thinking he'd finally gotten rid of Eddie.

"I mean that guy--is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!!" -Chandler, seeing Eddie with the mannequin head.

"Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath." -Chandler, last words to Eddie.

TOW: Dr. Ramoray Dies

Joey: starts the episode out by telling everyone what's going to happen next to his character on Days of Our Lives. He does an interview with Soap Opera Digest where he says that he writes many of his own lines. Phoebe asks him if saying that will upset the writers, but Joey decides the writers wouldn't care. He's wrong. In the next script, Dr. Drake Ramoray is killed off. Joey is understandably upset. After his character falls down an elevator shaft, Joey refuses to let his friends into his apartment. When he finally lets them in, he's pretty much inconsolable.

Chandler: doesn't know what to do with Eddie. They don't spend much time together; Phoebe arranges it so they have to hang out and get to know each other. Things go well until Eddie starts talking about his ex, Tilly. Eddie gets really intense and kinda freaks Chandler out. Chandler's by himself the next day when Tilly comes by. She's dropping off Eddie's fish tank. Eddie comes home while Tilly is still there and decides that Chandler had sex with her and killed his fish. Eddie freaks out and won't listen when Chandler defends himself. Chandler comes home and Eddie's made cookies. Chandler takes one, but doesn't eat it. Eddie says that he got them a fish and named it Chandler. The fish is actually a goldfish cracker.

Monica: tells Richard how many men she's slept with. She's forced to do it when Phoebe makes a comment about Richard being her favorite of all of Monica's men. Monica makes a big deal about not wanting to tell Richard, which makes Richard think the number is astronomical. Richard, on the other hand, has only been with two people. Monica finally tells him, but the number isn't that high and he's relieved. They say 'I love you,' and plan to have sex. Monica runs to the bathroom to get a condom. She and Rachel fight over the last condom. Monica losses the fight.

Ross and Rachel: have the same discussion as Monica and Richard, only it doesn't go so well for them. Neither Rachel nor Ross have been with many people, but Ross is still jealous of the passion Rachel had with Paolo. Ross gets upset and Rachel has to convince him that he's the best she's ever had because of the intimacy of their relationship. Ross decides their going to have incredibly passionate sex. Rachel goes to get a condom and encounters Monica. They bargain over it before deciding to play a game of rock-paper-scissors. Rachel wins. Ross and Richard have an awkward conversation about Richard's mustache and Vietnam movies while Rachel and Monica fight. And the end of the episode, Richard and Ross meet at the bathroom in the hunt for condoms. They are both wearing their girlfriend's bathrobes.

Phoebe: decides that Chandler and Eddie need to get to know each other. She asks Eddie to hang out with her and Chandler, then she bails. Trying to do something nice for Monica, she unwittingly starts the 'how many people have you been with' conversation.

• I don't know what the right spelling for Ramoray is. I'm just going to start making it up. The spelling changes from Ramoray to Remore to Ramore, and I give up.
  

• I already talked about my strange love for Eddie, but this episode is the one that solidified that love. It's the freaking goldfish cracker in the fish tank. I don't know why that's so amazing, but it is. My friends and I used to talk about getting a small fish bowl, just so we could put a goldfish cracker in it. And name it Chandler.

The most horrifying thing about this picture is the gigantic canister of Crisco.

• I gotta say...the small number of men Rachel's been with makes no sense. According to this episode, she'd only had sex with two guys in high school, but what about the kid's dad she slept with?
  

• I think it's interesting that Ross and Richard have both only been with two women.

• There's some great awkward moments between Ross and Richard. In Ross's defense, you know you've been wondering how Richard gets his mustache so nice. (He has a little comb. Called a mustache comb. Who would've thought?)

Tom Selleck in that tiny pink bathrobe makes my life.

• Ross and Richard have a disagreement about people named John in Vietnam movies...Richard is right; John Savage is in Deerhunter and Jon Voight is in Coming Home. I had to look all that up because I had no idea what they were talking about. My knowledge of Vietnam movies rivals my knowledge of mustache maintenance.
  

• Dr. Ramoray falls down an elevator shaft. That sucks.

Oh. My. God.

"No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human rights violation." -Phoebe, on why she won't play Foosball.

"Oh noo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um, tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train." -Phoebe, excusing herself from hanging out with Chandler and Eddie.

"She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia." -Chandler, telling a story about a girl he used to date.

"I don't know, I don't have my jammies."
"Well, maybe you won't need 'em."
"My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen." -Richard, Monica and Ross, making plans for the evening.

"Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul." -Chandler, meeting Eddie's ex, Tilly.

"Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark." -Monica, unwilling to say how many men she's slept with.

"All it really was was just, y'know, meaningless animal sex." -Rachel, talking about Paolo.

"Oh, this is--this is unbelievable. I mean, first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend, then you insult my intelligence by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?" -Eddie, on why he's angry with Chandler.

"Oh my God, am I an oat?" -Monica, worrying that Richard is sowing his wild oats with her.

"Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paolo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes." -Ross, reacting to Rachel's animal sex comment.

"Animal sex!? Animal sex!? So what you're saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even--not even like, like chipmunk sex?" -Ross, still upset about Paolo.

"Uh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand..." -Richard, after learning he and Monica won't be having sex.

"So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes." -Chandler, on his latest problem with Eddie.

"Because sometimes, Phoebe, after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish." -Chandler, telling Phoebe why he'd kill Eddie's fish.

"Nah, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could've saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin'." Joey- on the death of Dr. Drake Ramoray.

"What're these, raisins?"
"Uh, sure, why not." -Chandler and Eddie, after Eddie gives Chandler a cookie.

"Well, that's not even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker." -Chandler, meeting Eddie's new fish.

"Ok, good night. You big freak of nature." -Chandler, going to bed.

TOW: Eddie Moves In

Joey and Chandler: Everyone except Chandler goes to see Joey's new place. Joey's proud of his apartment, but is disappointed that Chandler isn't there. Joey and Chandler are both lonely and missing each other. Chandler finally calls Joey and they end up watching Baywatch together over the phone. The talk is so good it makes them want to live together again. Monica and Phoebe tell Joey to ask Chandler if he can move back; they assure him that Chandler misses him. Ross and Rachel tell Chandler not to ask Joey back because Joey's so happy in his new place. Joey comes by the apartment to talk to Chandler. Chandler introduces Joey to his new roommate, Eddie (Adam Goldberg). Joey's sad and jealous. Joey comes by one morning and is jealous when Eddie's moved where they keep the mail and that Eddie's making Chandler eggs. The last straw is when Eddie drinks all the juice. Joey and Chandler fight. Chandler realizes living with Eddie isn't that great when Eddie won't play Foosball and doesn't like Baywatch. There's a sad 'we miss each other' montage.

Ross and Monica: Ross's been spending a lot of time at Monica and Rachel's. He's driving Monica crazy. It starts when Ross takes over the bathroom and won't let Monica get in. They start acting like kids again. Ross gets into a fight with someone over the phone about what kind of dinosaur Dino from the Flintstones was. He wakes Monica up from a nap. The call waiting beeps and it's someone for Monica, he doesn't take a message. Another call comes through and Ross tells Monica it's Richard; it's actually their mother. They argue over what to watch on tv, a nature show or Entertainment Tonight. Monica tells Ross that she hated him when they were kids and him being around all the time reminds her of that. They make up.

Phoebe: gets approached by a producer to record 'Smelly Cat' and make a video. The producer says that if it goes well, Phoebe might get to make a record. Phoebe goes to the recording studio and is shocked at having backup singers. She gets a tape of the video and she, Monica, Rachel, and Ross watch it. The others realize at once that it's not Phoebe singing, but Phoebe thinks it is her. They don't tell Phoebe the truth because they don't want to hurt her. Phoebe comes into Central Perk and tells Monica, Rachel, and Ross that she found out it wasn't her singing. Instead of being upset for herself, Phoebe feels bad for the woman that did the singing.

Rachel: drops a slice of pie in a dude's coat hood while at work. She makes Ross get the piece of pie out. She's weirded out by Ross and Monica fighting, especially when Monica tries to get her in the middle like the 'mom.'

• I wouldn't have said anything to anyone about dropping pie in someone's coat. I'd just pretend like it didn't happen.

Plus, I really like the mental image of the guy putting his hood up and getting a face full of apple pie (that sounds kinda dirty).

• This whole Chandler and Joey not living together thing makes me sad. This is a great episode, I'm all for the non-sexual roommate angst, but not having Chandler and Joey together is like--like--well, it's awful.
  

• Just for the hell of it, I looked up some Chandler/Joey slash...it's not as prolific as say, Harry Potter fanfics, but it's out there. And really depressing. The one I skimmed through has Chandler killing himself because he's in love with Joey. Geez.
  

• Ross fights with someone (I guess another paleontologist) about Dino being a Velociraptor.

No, I see the resemblance. Totally.

• Phoebe does a video for 'Smelly Cat'!
  

I'm nearly 100% sure I had a Barbie that had the exact same dress as Phoebe.

• Phoebe's singing voice is dubbed and she doesn't realize it. I read a bio of Audrey Hepburn and the author said that happened to Hepburn on the set of My Fair Lady. Hepburn'd hoped to do the singing herself, but they replaced her voice without notifying her. Yes, I realize this has very little to do with anything.

• Eddie is a creep. He's weird. He doesn't like Baywatch or Foosball (!!!) And I have a horrible confession--despite all these things--I think Eddie is awesome. Not that I'd want to chill with him, or anything, but he's so entertainingly odd. During the Eddie episodes a voice in my head screams "EDDIE!!!" like Columbia does in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Also, why does Chandler attract psycho's with irritating laughs?

• Chandler and Joey have a sadness montage set to "All by Myself." It makes me a little misty-eyed, I'm not gonna lie.
  

• Um, this makes me sad. I can't embed the video, but click and watch and stuff. It's a joyous thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETQfuzNGT58&feature=PlayList&p=BAB89F1CF91C04CD&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=20

Oh. My. God.

"Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide." -Ross, checking out Joey's new furniture.

"Hey, nice pillow. So, now tell me ,is this genuine Muppet skin?" -Rachel, on Joey's fabric selection.

"Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the name of France four years ago." -Chandler, when Phoebe says she's been discovered.

"I've never wanted you more." -Rachel, to Ross after he mocks Monica using a silly voice.

"Well, y'know what they say. Ask your slippers a question...you're going crazy." -Chandler, talking to his puppy slippers about Joey.

"I mean, it's a regular space...fest." -Chandler, trying to be excited about the empty apartment.

"Was that the oven timer?"
"That's right my friend. It's time for..."
"BAYWATCH!" -Joey and Chandler, excited for the show.

"I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine! Run like the wind!"-Chandler, expressing his joy over Baywatch.

"I figured I'd have, like, time alone with my thoughts but, y'know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think." -Joey, discussing his doubts about living alone.

"Did she leave a number?"
"Did you see me write one down?" -Monica and Ross, fighting.

"It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate." -Rachel, about Eddie.

"Well, what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?" -Chandler, upset that Joey's jealous over Eddie and his egg cooking.

"Oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels." -Phoebe, sad for the woman who sings in the 'Smelly Cat' video.

"Well, that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people...and the running." -Chandler, trying to sell Eddie on Baywatch.

TOW: Joey Moves Out

Joey and Chandler: get into a small fight when Chandler notices Joey licking a spoon and putting it back in the drawer. It then comes out that Joey uses Chandler's toothbrush and has used it to clear a clogged drain (nasty). They go to a brunch held by one of Joey's co-stars on Days of Our Lives. The apartment is huge and the actor tells Joey he's getting ready to move and that Joey should consider moving in. Chandler thinks Joey's really thinking about it, but Joey claims he isn't. Joey finally tells Chandler that he is thinking about it because he's never lived alone. He and Chandler get into a fight and Chandler tells Joey to move out if he wants to. The next day they make up. Chandler even bought Joey plastic spoons. Joey tells Chandler he's moving out. They argue about who gets the Foosball table and they play each other for it. Joey wins and Chandler leaves. Joey and the gang pack up his stuff. Everyone but he and Chandler go outside. Joey and Chandler say good-bye. Chandler's very sad. Joey leaves, but runs back in to give Chandler a hug.

Monica: is going with Richard and Ross to her father's birthday party. She's nervous about going with Richard because her parents don't know they're dating. She isn't really planning on telling them and Richard's okay with that. All through the party her parents talk about Richard's young girlfriend. Monica and Richard meet in the bathroom to talk. Richard leaves first, just as Mrs. Geller walks up to the door. Monica is forced to hide in the bathtub. Mr. Geller follows his wife into the bathroom. They talk about Richard's girlfriend and Mr. Geller says he's never seen his friend happier. They proceed to have sex, which Monica's forced to witness. Back at the party, Monica decides to tell her parents. They aren't pleased. Mr. Geller comes by Monica's apartment and says he'd been to talk to Richard about Monica; however, he never actually got around to mentioning Monica. Instead, he decides that Monica's old enough to make her own choices.

Rachel and Phoebe: decide to get tattoos. Phoebe's going to get a lily, for her mother, and Rachel's going to get a heart on her hip. She wants it to be a surprise for Ross, but learns that Ross doesn't like tattoos. She and Phoebe go to the tattoo parlor; Rachel starts losing her nerve. Phoebe convinces her to get that tattoo. Rachel gets it and shows Phoebe, but Phoebe hasn't gotten hers. She's afraid of needles. They get back to Rachel's apartment and talk to Monica and Richard. Rachel shows off her tattoo and Phoebe shows off her tiny blue dot. Rachel got her to sit for the tattoo, but the tattoo artist was only able to do the blue dot before Phoebe freaked out.

Ross: doesn't like tattoos. He's also nervous about Monica and Richard, especially about them telling his parents. He's really awkward at the party and as Monica prepares to tell her mom about Richard, he tries to stop her. After the party, he goes to pick up a pizza. Rachel's showing off her tattoo as he walks in the apartment door. Instead of hating it, he thinks it's really sexy. He pulls Rachel into the bedroom.

• Joey's thing with the silverware and the toothbrush is just gross. I'm kind of a germaphobe, but surely I'm not the only person sickened by the idea of someone using their toothbrush to clear a drain. Blergh.
  

• I'm not gonna lie, this episode saddens my soul. It really is like Bert and Ernie getting separate apartments.

So sweet.

• Monica has the worst luck; she's always seeing her parents do it.

My god, that's a disgustingly pink bathroom.

• I don't have much else to say about this episode. I like it, but it's not very exciting. There's only so many times I can say that Joey moving out hurts my heart.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Man, this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?" -Joey, eating cereal.

"Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere." -Chandler, learning that Joey uses his toothbrush for many things.

"Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning."
"Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash." -Chandler and Joey, discussing the uses of soap.

"Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad would say, 'God, I hope they get together'." -Ross, on how his parents would react to learning that Monica and Richard were dating.

"Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?"
"Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us." -Mrs. Geller and Ross.

"Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could--"
"Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence." -Mr. Geller and Ross, about Richard's girlfriend.

"Ooh! Foghorn Leghorn! Ooh!" -Phoebe, at the tattoo parlor.

"Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his moldings. You want it." -Chandler, knowing Joey was checking out another apartment.

"Y'know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware." -Chandler, fighting with Joey.

"We're not Bert and Ernie."
"Yeah, I know we're not gay puppets." -Joey and Chandler.

"Dad, I'm the twinkie." -Monica, telling her parents about she and Richard.

"Really? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens!" -Rachel, upset that Phoebe didn't get a tattoo.

"Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter." -Chandler, assuring Joey he's okay with Joey moving out.

"Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister." -Chandler, to Joey as they play Foosball to see who gets to keep the table.

"Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?'" -Rachel, being upset with Phoebe for not getting a tattoo.

"Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world." -Rachel, defending her tattoo to Ross.

TOW: Ross and Rachel...You Know

Ross and Rachel: have their first official date. They go to a movie and come back to Monica and Rachel's. They start making out, but Rachel's too giddy to take it seriously and she keeps giggling. All her laughing ruins the mood. The next day, Rachel tells Ross she wants to have a romantic dinner to make up for her giggling. They're ready to go on their date, but Ross gets a page from the museum; one of the displays is messed up. He has to go in and Rachel goes with him, hoping it'll be a quick thing and then they'll have their date. The museum issue takes longer than Ross expected and by the time he's done all the restaurants are closed. Rachel suggests they reschedule, but Ross makes impromptu plans. They get juice boxes and sandwiches and go into the museum's planetarium. They start making out and this time Rachel doesn't laugh. They...you know...The next morning they wake up wrapped in furs in one of the museum displays. A church youth group is watching them.

Chandler and Joey: Joey buys new recliners and a tv for he and Chandler because his option was picked up by Days of Our Lives. They spend the entire episode sitting in their chairs, watching bad tv. Rachel tries to get them out of their chairs by saying she'll flash them, but it doesn't work. Phoebe tries, too. In order not to get up, the call for take out and have it delivered to Monica and Rachel's. They're watching Beavis and Butthead when the fire alarm goes off; they don't get up.

Monica: gets a catering job through her parents influence. Rachel's supposed to waitress for her, but Phoebe agrees to take over so Rachel can go on her date with Ross. Monica's working for Dr. Richard Burke (Tom Selleck) an ophthalmologist friend of her parents. Monica and Richard flirt; he spends more time in the kitchen than at his party. Monica schedules an eye appointment with him for the next day. At the appointment, there's a lot of tension between them. Richard tries to diffuse it, but they end up kissing. They go on a date, which Monica tells Ross about and he's not too pleased, since Richard is so much older. The date goes really well, until Richard shows Monica pictures of his grown kids and grand kids. They talk about their relationship and the twenty-one year age difference between them. They decide not to see each other anymore, but then kiss. Monica suggests they shouldn't make any decisions yet.

Phoebe: waitresses for Monica and notices the sparks between her and Dr. Burke. She suggests Monica and Richard date. She tries to get Chandler and Joey to go outside, but then Xanadu comes on and she's hooked, too.

• Good episode, but I've seen it too often. There's not much excitement left.

• I don't know what it means for an actor to get his option picked up, but I'm guessin' it's a good thing.

• I freaking LOVE Richard. I'm not a huge Tom Selleck fan, or anything, but my god, Richard's great.
  

It takes a real man to brandish a sauce covered brush with such authority.

• Chandler and Joey watch so much tv that they become enthralled by an infomercial for car wax.
  

You know you've hit rock bottom when you've got a Cheeto on your face.

• Xanadu and Phoebe. It's like a match made in heaven.
  

• I'm not too freaked out by age differences. I'm sorta the kind of person who thinks as long as you love your partner and they treat you well, it doesn't matter how old they are. Plus, Richard's pretty sexy. Just sayin'. Oh, and I thought Richard's wife died, not that they'd gotten a divorce. Hm.
  

• Ross and Rachel finally have sex. The planetarium thing is pretty awesome.
  

I probably saw this episode for the first time when I was ten or eleven. I barely had an idea what sex was, let alone premature ejaculation. I was soo confused about why Rachel was upset about the juice box. I was like, 'yeah, it sucks you got juice on your clothes.'

• Awwwwkward.

• Hehehehe, I just saw this picture and had to post it.

Beautiful.

Oh. My. God.

"Alright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes." -Chandler, being show a surprise by Joey.

"Now we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen." -Chandler, admiring the recliners and tv.

"I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch tv with your feet up."
"Well, they were chair-shaped cows. They never would have survived in the wild." -Phoebe and Chandler, about the new recliners.

"It's James Bond." -Phoebe, seeing Dr. Burke for the first time.

"Who needs glasses?" -Richard, making an ophthalmologist joke at his party.

"You are so much the smitten kitten." -Phoebe, teasing Monica for flirting with Dr. Burke.

"Well yeah, but, y'know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age." -Monica, justifying her appointment with Dr. Burke.

"It would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name." -Ross, coming home with Rachel after their first date.

"I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like 'woah! Ross's hands are on my butt!' -Rachel, making out with Ross.

"Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my Flock of Seagulls haircut was tickling her chin." -Chandler, telling Ross about a time a girl laughed at him when they were kissing.

"Listen, can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice." -Chandler, trying to eavesdrop on Ross and Rachel.

"Good. They feel good. In my head." -Monica, talking about her eyes with Dr. Burke.

"Drops!" -Richard, trying to ease the sexual tension with Monica.

"No. Inside good. Outside baaaad." -Joey, when Phoebe tries to get them to stop watching tv.

" I--I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad." -Ross, learning Monica's dating Richard Burke.

"N--Homo-Habilis was erect; Australopithecus was never fully erect."
"Well, maybe he was nervous." -Ross and Chandler, as Ross deals with a phone call from work.

"I mean, I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in." -Monica, their age difference with Richard.

"Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's ok."
"What? Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box." -Rachel and Ross, making out.

TOW: the Prom Video

Joey and Chandler: Joey gives Chandler a check to pay him back for all the things he's bought Joey over the years. Along with the money, Joey gives Chandler a gigantic gold bracelet; it's also engraved. Chandler hates the bracelet, but doesn't want to hurt Joey, so he wears it. It falls off when he's at Monica and Rachel's and they tease him about it. He's in Central Perk with Phoebe, who tells him a woman is checking him out. Chandler introduces himself to the woman, who's really interested until she sees the bracelet. Chandler's upset and starts making fun of the bracelet to Phoebe. He doesn't realize that Joey's come in and hears all the mean stuff he says. Joey's hurt and angry. Back at their apartment, Chandler tries to apologize. He tells Joey he'll never take the bracelet off and then realizes he's lost the bracelet. He can't find it and buys a new one. He's telling Phoebe about it at Central Perk when Rachel tells him that Gunther found the bracelet he lost. Joey comes in while Chandler's holding both bracelets. Chandler tells Joey he got him a matching bracelet. Joey's so happy, it's adorable. Joey finds the prom video while going through the boxes the Gellers bring over.

Ross and Rachel: Ross is at Monica and Rachel's where he takes a message for Rachel from a guy. He's really jealous, telling the gang that he's supposed to be with Rachel. They're at Central Perk and Ross watches Rachel getting hit on and is jealous. Again. He thinks that Rachel is uncomfortable and decides he's going to break up their conversation. He goes up to Rachel, pretending he doesn't know her, and acts like he's answering a personals ad; the guy Rachel was talking to leaves. Rachel's furious. She tells Ross that they aren't going to get together, that she keeps getting hurt. She wants Ross to realize that they aren't ever going to be an item. Ross is really upset. He doesn't want the gang to watch the prom video.

Monica: goes on the best creepy job interview in the world. She's really worried about money because she's still unemployed. Ross offers to give her a loan, but Monica politely refuses. Ross then suggests she ask their parents. Monica invites her parents over for dinner. When they arrive they have boxes of her stuff because they are making her old bedroom into a gym. Monica makes dinner while her parents watch a tennis match. Ross comes in after his talk with Rachel and makes Monica tell her parents she lost her job. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are disappointed, but Mr. Geller is sure that Monica is alright with money because they taught her well. Monica can't ask them, so Ross gives her a loan.

Phoebe: tries to make Ross feel better about Rachel. She says that Rachel is Ross's lobster. She's with Chandler when he makes fun of the bracelet and attempts to tell him that Joey is there. She and Chandler go through the boxes the Gellers bring and find Monica's high school bathing suit.

The Prom Video: It's Monica and Rachel's prom. Rachel's had a nose job and Monica used to be fat. Ross looked like Burt Reynolds. Rachel's date is late and Mr. and Mrs. Geller convince Ross to be Rachel's date. Ross gets all ready, putting on his father's tux. It's obvious he's totally excited to go out with Rachel. Ross gets downstairs to see that Rachel's date has arrived and the group is heading out the door. Ross is forlorn. Present day Monica and Rachel had no idea Ross had done that. Rachel kisses Ross.

• I always forget how much I like this episode until I watch it again. The creepy interviewer, Lobsters, Fat Monica, Rachel and Ross--it's just amazing.
  

• I wasn't sure if I liked Phoebe's poodle sweater, but then I saw the rest of the outfit.

That multicolored patch? There's one in the same place on the back. Ugh. The ensemble is paired with a tiny pink belt. I'm all for eclectic fashion, but none of it matches and it bothers me.

• Chandler Bing

The newest member of the Lollipop Guild.

• At one point, when Chandler and Joey fight, Chandler calls himself a wank. That's some (awesomely) random usage of British slang.
  

• I'd be making this face too, if I found a video of my parents doing it.
  

• Two best moments:

Number one:



Sorry about the bad video quality, but I can't do this moment justice just talking about it. It transcends any description I could give it. I love when he moans after Monica says she's going to do them jullienne--so messed up.

Number two:



I love the prom video. And, Monica's date is Donkeylips from Salute Your Shorts. Yes, I did watch too much Nickelodeon as a child.

Oh. My. God.

"Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony." -Chandler, after Joey gives him a check.

"Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like 'At the Bat' or 'and the Sunshine Band'?" -Ross, taking a message for Rachel.

"Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance...y'know make a little love...well, pretty much get down tonight." -Chandler, responding to Ross asking what Casey wants with Rachel.

"Because she's your lobster." -Phoebe, on why Ross and Rachel will be together.

"No no, no no, it's not flashy; not for a Goodfella." -Ross, seeing Chandler's bracelet.

"I think I'm ready for my penis now!" -Phoebe, hinting to Chandler that a hot girl is checking him out.

"He has to get me the woman repeller. The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!" -Chandler, complaining to Phoebe about the bracelet.

"It's like, back off buddy, she's a waitress not a geisha." -Ross, not liking a guy hitting on Rachel.

"No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when--when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, y'know, with--with the holding and..." -Ross, explaining to Rachel that she's his lobster.

"I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in Biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now..." -Chandler, apologizing to Joey as he's looking for the bracelet he lost.

"Where have you been?"
"Emotional hell." -Monica and Ross, after Ross arrives late for dinner with their parents.

"Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay." -Phoebe, cheering Chandler up.

"Check it out, we're bracelet buddies!"
"That's what they'll call us!" -Joey and Chandler, having matching bracelets.

"Hey, you're a cheapasaurus!" -Monica, looking at the loan Ross gives her.

"Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained." -Chandler, examining Monica's bathing suit from high school.

"Ok, I was wrong. That's what they used to cover Connecticut." -Chandler, upon seeing Rachel's old nose.

"Some girl ate Monica!"
"Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds."
"Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?" -Joey, Monica, and Chandler, watching the prom video.

"See, he's her lobster!" -Phoebe, after Ross and Rachel kiss.

TO: After the Superbowl

My God, this was a long episode.

Ross: starts to miss Marcel after seeing a 'Monkey Shine Beer' commercial that stars a monkey that looks just like Marcel. He goes to a conference in L.A. and plans on visiting Marcel at the Zoo. When he gets to the Zoo, he can't find Marcel and is told by an administrator (Fred Willard) that Marcel died. Ross mopes around the Zoo until a janitor (Dan Castellaneta) informs him that Marcel was stolen. Back in the city, Ross does some investigating and finds Marcel. Marcel's in the city as part of the cast of 'Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan.' Ross and the gang go the set to see Marcel. At first, Marcel ignores Ross, but then Ross starts singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight and Marcel comes over. Marcel is kind of a diva and it makes Ross sad. Marcel's trainer tells Ross he can keep Marcel for a little bit one night. Ross makes a lot of plans, setting up music, candles, and making Marcel's favorite meal. The trainer calls and says Marcel can't make it. Ross is sad. On Marcel's last day of shooting, Ross is told he can go visit, but Ross doesn't want to; he thinks Marcel's moved on. Marcel is at Central Perk and he and Ross spend the day visiting around the city. Ross and the gang gather at the set and say goodbye to Marcel. He also helps Joey explain to Erika that he isn't Drake and finds Chandler in the bathroom in panties.

Phoebe: notices a really cute guy (Chris Isaak) in Central Perk. He comes up to her, his name is Rob,and says he schedules musicians to play at the library for the kids. He wants Phoebe to play. Phoebe has her first performance and is really nervous. Rob encourages her and kisses her. Phoebe plays and all her songs are inappropriate for children. Rob says that he liked her songs and that she told the kids the truth, but he really wants her to sing songs about things like barnyard animals. The next performance, Phoebe does sing about farm animals--getting slaughtered. Rob comes to Central Perk and informs Phoebe she's fired because the library was getting complaints from parents. Phoebe thinks he should have argued for her to continue on at the library, singing what she wants, but Rob wants her to sing regular songs. Phoebe gets ready for a performance at Central Perk and a whole bunch of kids from the library show up to watch. Phoebe continuously breaks up Monica and Rachel's fights.

Joey: gets his very own stalker! Her name is Erika and he gets a letter from her with no postage and sent to his personal address. At first he's excited, but then he gets a little scared. Erika comes to the apartment one day when Chandler and Joey are hanging out. They try to run away, but can't escape. Erika knocks and Joey answers. Erika (Brooke Shields) is really hot. Joey doesn't go to Phoebe's first performance because he's having lunch with Erika. Erika seriously believes that Joey is Dr. Drake Ramore; she doesn't understand that Days of Our Lives is a television show. At lunch, a man chokes and Erika expects Joey to save him, which he doesn't. Erika asks for an explanation, but doesn't allow Joey to give it. He stops trying to explain he's not really a doctor when Erika kisses him and licks his hand. Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, and Monica are watching the show when Erika comes to the apartment. She's made at Drake for making out with Sabrina on the show. She throws a glass of water on him. Joey tries to explain he's not really Drake, but an actor, but Erika doesn't understand. Rachel turns on the television, trying to show Erika what Joey means by being an actor, but she STILL doesn't understand. Ross tells Erika that Joey is actually Drake's evil twin brother Hans. Rachel and Monica play along, pretending that Joey duped them into thinking he was Drake. They throw water at him. Chandler throws water at him for leaving the toilet seat up. Joey tells Erika to go to Salem and find the real Drake. Joey comforts Ross when Marcel can't visit. On the movie set, Joey keeps trying to impress the director to get a role. He goes to dinner with the Director's Assistant (and Chandler, Susie, and Ross), but she tells him she can't get him a part. An actor, playing a disease victim, gets sick (irony?) and the Director's Assistant recommends Joey and he gets the part. He's the first to find Chandler in the restaurant bathroom wearing only panties.

Chandler: meets a make-up artist, Susie, (Julia Roberts) on the movie set who he went to grade school with. When they were in fourth grade, Chandler pulled Susie's skirt up at a school play and everyone saw her underwear; the nicknamed her 'Susie underpants.' Susie seems to be attracted to Chandler and suggests he should ask her out, which he does. They start dating and Chandler thinks she's the perfect woman. They go to dinner with Joey, the Director's Assistant, and Ross. Before they go, Susie suggests that Chandler put on her underwear. He agrees when Susie says she'll be going commando. At dinner, Susie tells Chandler they should have sex in the bathroom. Chandler meets her in a stall and she tells him to show her the panties. Chandler undresses and Susie sneaks out of the stall. She steals Chandler's clothes and leaves him wearing only panties as payback for the skirt lifting incident. Joey comes in to use the bathroom and Chandler tells him what happened. Joey peaks over the stall wall to see Chandler in the panties. Ross comes in and Joey and Chandler tell him what happened. Ross peaks over the other side of the stall to see Chandler in the panties. Chandler wants one of them to give him their underwear, but they won't. An old guy comes in and sees them all standing there. Chandler walks through the restaurant using a stall door as a shield. He also attends Phoebe's first library performance.

Monica and Rachel: see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the movie set. Monica has a huge crush on him, but Rachel's never heard of him. Rachel thinks Monica should tell Jean-Claude she thinks he's hot, but Monica won't. Rachel talks to Jean-Claude and he's not interested in Monica, but Rachel. Rachel tells Monica that Jean-Claude wouldn't stop hitting on her and Monica tells Rachel to date him if she wants to. Rachel goes on a date with Jean-Claude. They go to a club and hang out with Drew Barrymore. Monica is furious. She and Rachel get into a huge fight, which turns physical. Phoebe has to break it up. Rachel agrees to stop seeing Jean-Claude and to set Monica up with him. Monica goes on her date with Jean-Claude and learns he only agreed to date her because Rachel told him Monica wanted to have a threesome with Drew Barrymore. Monica and Rachel fight some more, this time destroying each others stuff. Monica pulls apart Rachel's favorite sweater and Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse. Phoebe breaks their fight up again and forces them to make up. They go to the movie set to say goodbye to Jean-Claude. They both kiss him and he suggests a threesome. They decline. In the first part of this episode, they go with Phoebe to her performance. Monica steals cookies.

• I completely forgot this one was a two-parter. I kept thinking it was taking longer than normal.
  

• We have a resurgence of some of my favorite fashions! The moose sweater and the leopard print mock turtleneck! How I've missed thee...

• Here's a new one though,

It's like--dress vomit.

• All the guest stars! Julia Roberts makes me sooo happy. I love Julia Roberts. But there's also Fred Willard, Dan Castellaneta (that's really hard to spell), Chris Isaak, Brooke, 'nothing comes between me and my Clavin's' Shields, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. I'm not so in to the Van Damme. Eh.
  

• I don't think I can adequately describe my love for Erika, as played by Brooke Shields. The whole thing is amazing. She has the best creepy stalker laugh I've ever heard in my life. Ever. Plus, she makes this face:

And is the cause of this:



There are a few times where Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox almost lose it. Awesome. Erika is incredibly well dressed for a mentally ill person.

• A selection of Phoebe Buffay song lyrics:
  

"Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike, But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner, Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too."

"There'll be times when you get older, when you'll want to sleep with people, just to make them like you..., but don't, Cause that's another thing you don't wanna do, everybody, that's another thing that you don't wanna do."

And my personal favorite: "Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers."

• Words fail me...except to say that I want the noise Joey makes as a ringtone.
  

• I love the Susie/Chandler thing. Granted, it's a little sad she waits all these years for revenge on Chandler--but the pink thong sorta makes up for all that.
  

Where'd Chandler get the screwdriver to take the door off its hinges to leave the restaurant?

• Jean-Claude Van Damme causes this to happen:

• Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's purse.

I have some issues with food. That purse filled with sauce is so disgusting.

• I'm not as sad to see Marcel go this time. This is a great episode, but I'm not a Marcel fan (in case you hadn't guessed from my Ebola tirades). The fact that he's appearing in Outbreak II: The Virus Takes Manhattan doesn't change my feelings about him. I saw Outbreak and I blame that movie for ruining my life by introducing me to the existence of hemorrhagic fevers. I had nightmares for weeks.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding." -Rachel, assuring Ross that giving up Marcel was the right thing to do.

"Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got."
"Rhythm?" -Joey and Chandler, when Joey gets his first fan letter.

"You know, I think he will be surprised, 'til he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, y'know, isn't capable of that emotion." -Chandler, responding to Ross wanting to surprise Marcel.

"Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon." -Chandler, to Joey as they arm themselves to face Erika.

"Ok, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met."
"That's how radio stars escape stalkers." -Joey and Chandler, running from Erika.

"What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one that wants to boff the maniac." -Chandler, after defending Joey's choice to date Erika to Monica and Rachel.

"Oh, Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them...but I won't." -Erika, at her lunch with Joey.

"Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?" -Ross, thinking the janitor is propositioning him.

"Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. " -Joey, explaining to Erika why he didn't help the choking man.

"That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdale's." -Chandler, learning that Ross is the Monkey Shine monkey.

"What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like purple dinosaur?"
"I'm not saying you have to be Barney."
"Who's Barney?" -Phoebe and Rob.

"This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year." -Ross, about to see Marcel again.

"It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan." -Susie, trying to do a star's make-up.

"Yes, back then, I uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank god I don't do that anymore." -Chandler, telling Susie how he's changed.

"Ok, then, eat me, I'm done." -Chandler, talking to Phoebe.

"My skirt! You lifted! Kids laughing! I was Susie Underpants 'til I was 18!" -Susie, after stealing Chandler's clothes.

"You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara." -Rachel, threatening Monica's purse.

"Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. "-Joey, finding Chandler in the bathroom.

"Hi, Tushie!" -Ross, peaking at Chandler's thong.

"Are you sure? I can crush a walnut with my butt." -Jean-Claude, propositioning Monica and Rachel for a threesome.



Phew! I need a nap.

TOW: the Lesbian Wedding

Ross: learns that Carol and Susan are getting married. They invite him to the wedding one day when they're picking Ben up. Ross decides not to go. The gang tries to convince him to change his mind, but he refuses. Ross tells them that it's not because Carol is a lesbian, but because she's marrying someone else. He points out that if she were marrying a man, the others wouldn't expect him to attend their wedding. The day before the wedding, Carol shows up at Monica and Rachel's. She says that she and Susan are probably calling off the wedding. Carol's parents aren't going to come and Carol and Susan get into a fight. Ross comforts Carol and says that she shouldn't call off the wedding just because her parents won't come. The wedding is back on. Ross walks Carol down the aisle. He and Susan dance together at the reception.

Monica: ends up catering Carol and Susan's wedding after their caterer is in a mountain biking accident. Monica is excited for the job and plans all the time. As the wedding day approaches, Monica starts freaking out because, though she spent a lot of time planning, she didn't leave enough time to actually prepare all the food. She enlists everyone to help and is really bossy and stressed. Ross won't help until Monica threatens him.

Joey: is in his first episode of Days of Our Lives. The gang all gets together (except Phoebe) to watch Joey's scenes. Joey explains how one of the actresses on the show taught him smell-the-fart acting, a technique to look intense while remembering your lines. He helps Monica cook. He's kind of miserable at the wedding, since there are lots of women there, but they're all lesbians.

Rachel: is excited because her mom is coming to visit her in the city for the first time. Mrs. Green (Marlo Thomas) comes into Central Perk and is so proud of Rachel having a job and making it on her own, but she doesn't seem to understand all the work Rachel puts into it. That night Rachel and Mrs. Green talk. Mrs. Green continues to go on and on about how great Rachel's life in the city is; she tells Rachel she's thinking of leaving Dr. Green and moving to the city. Rachel is astounded and wants to talk her mom out of it. Mrs. Green wants to experience new things, asking Rachel and Monica for weed and also about sex. Rachel is horrified, but more understanding when Mrs. Green explains that, unlike Rachel, she married her Barry. At the wedding, Mrs. Green dances with women and enjoys noticing that women find her attractive, glad to know of all the options.

Phoebe: has a client die during a massage. It really freaks her out, but worse than that, Phoebe believes she's been possessed by the woman, Mrs. Adelman. Phoebe talks as Mrs. Adelman and has to do stuff, like use the restroom, for Mrs. Adelman. She contacts Mrs. Adelman's husband to find out if Mrs. Adelman had any unfinished business. The husband (Phil Leeds) tells Phoebe his wife always wanted to see everything; he also tries to get Phoebe to sleep with him. Phoebe goes all around the city trying to show Mrs. Adelman everything. Mrs. Adelman finally leaves upon seeing Carol and Susan getting married. Phoebe gets hit-on at the reception.

Chandler: helps Monica with the cooking. He attempts hitting on a woman at the lesbian wedding, which goes about as well as you'd expect. Everyone thinks Chandler will be the last of the gang to get married.

• This is a good episode. Quite a lot of stuff happens.
  

• Monica, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Ross watch Joey's first scene in Days of Our Lives.

Joey Tribbiani's giving Stanislavski a run for his money. Method Acting? Bah!

• We meet Rachel's mom for the first time.
  

She's That Girl! Has anyone ever seen that show? Cause I sure haven't.

• There's a random mention of Soupy Sales from Mrs. Adelman possessed Phoebe. A long, long time ago, I had a copy of Nickelodeon magazine that was all about the early days of television and how technology had progressed--it was oddly riveting. Anyway, there was a blurb in the magazine about Soupy Sales, who had a kid's show in the fifties. Yay, for random, useless information!

• The lesbian wedding is pretty awesome. How many other sitcoms (or any show, for that matter) had gay weddings in 1996? And, even more astonishing, the fact that two women are getting married isn't a big deal! Ross is only sad because his ex-wife is re-marrying. He doesn't care that the person she's marrying is a woman. Kudos, Friends.

• Some notes on the wedding:

These hats defy all reason and logic. Susan looks like a hobo.

• I got all excited when I watched the episode earlier this morning because I thought one of the guests was wearing flannel. Sadly, upon further examination, she was not.

• I'm not into the possessed Phoebe thing. Just, eh. I mean, out of all the characters to be possessed, Phoebe's the obvious choice, but the storyline doesn't do much for me.

• Mrs. Green sees Ugly Naked Guy playing the cello.
  

Oh. My. God.

"As in, 'I now pronounce you wife and wife' married?" -Ross, learning about Carol and Susan's marriage plans.

"It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of Our Lives! And then I started thinkin' about all of you, and how these are the days of our lives..." -Joey, in a philosophical mood.

"Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast!"
"YES!" -Monica and Ross, Chandler, and Joey, as Monica is inappropriately excited.

"Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor!" -Chandler, teaching Ross to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

"For a minute there I thought you were actually tryin' to smell something." -Chandler, watching Joey put smell-the-fart acting to good use.

"That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get." -Chandler, after Phoebe's massage client dies.

"Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called 'Silence of the Ducks'." -Chandler, helping Monica decide whether to serve lamb or chicken.

"Last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten." -Mrs. Green, greeting Monica.

"All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts."
"Oh God. I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them." -Monica and Rachel, after Rachel learns her mom is considering leaving her dad.

"Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?" -Rachel, not being flattered that her mom wants to be more like her. Also, during the height of 'the Rachel' haircut phenom.

"Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet!" -Chandler, upon seeing Mr. Adelman.

"Monica, I feel like you should have German subtitles." -Chandler, helping Monica cook for the wedding.

"It just seems so futile, you know? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly."
"Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding." -Joey and Chandler, lamenting their lack of straight women.

TOW: Russ

Rachel: dates a guy named Russ. Russ looks and acts exactly like Ross, only Rachel doesn't see the resemblance. She believes she's moving on from Ross. She tells the gang that she doesn't really have feelings for Ross anymore. Phoebe tries to get Rachel to notice the Ross/Russ similarities, but Rachel is blind to them. Russ is in Central Perk waiting for Rachel to get off work. He's sitting with Chandler and Ross when he and Ross get in an argument. As Ross and Russ fight, Rachel realizes they're exactly alike. She breaks up with Russ.

Ross: doesn't like that Rachel's dating. He didn't realize they were seeing other people. He talks to Rachel about a woman at work he may start dating. Ross hates Russ, but, like Rachel, doesn't notice the similarities between himself and Russ. Ross, Russ, and Chandler all sit on the couch at Central Perk; they're doing a crossword. Ross and Russ argue about the crossword and Chandler leaves. They fight about their professions. Rachel overhears and is disgusted because Russ is just like Ross.

Monica: starts dating Fun Bobby (Vincent Ventresca) again. The gang is pleased they're back together, but they notice that they went through five bottles of wine when Fun Bobby was over. In Central Perk, Monica tells Bobby she thinks he might have a drinking problem and he agrees to stop drinking. No alcohol, though, makes Bobby boring. Monica doesn't feel like she can break up with him because she blames herself for him being boring. She starts drinking a lot to get through their dates. They're going away together for the weekend and Monica packs tons of mini-bottles of alcohol. Bobby comes by and breaks up with her because he thinks she has a drinking problem.

Joey: gets his first ever reviews in the newspaper. They're all bad. Joey thinks he should give up acting. This is until he gets a call from his agent, offering him a part in Days of our Lives. Joey goes to the audition and gets a callback. He visits his agent, Estelle (June Gable), and tells her he thinks the Casting Director was hitting on him. Estelle calls the Casting Director and learns that, yes, Joey would have to sleep with her to get the job playing a cab driver. He doesn't know what to do because he wants to get the job on the merit of his acting, not his sexual abilities. Joey goes to his callback and refuses the Casting Director's advances. That is until she offers him the bigger role of Dr. Drake Ramore.

Chandler and Phoebe: attempt to get Rachel and Ross to see that Russ is exactly like Ross. Chandler helps Joey decide what to do about his future. Chandler thinks that if sleeping with the Casting Director will help, maybe Joey should do it.

• Man, all this Ross/Russ crap is confusing. I keep having to check that I'm talking about the right one.

I see the resemblance to Bob Saget, but the chin and hair make me think of Jay Leno. Weird.

• What's with Ross dating bug people from work? Not, like, literally people who are bugs (thought that'd be interesting), but people who study them. First it was the Curator of Insects and now it's the Curator of Moths. He must be really sexy to the entomologist set.

• I'm a non-smoker

But I want one of these cigarette tree, things. Much in the same way that Rachel wanted the shell lamp and the girlie clock.

• Some fun clothing options:

Number one: A nifty skyline vest.

Number two: a moose sweater (ew).

And three: a leopard print mock turtleneck.

• Starting this episode, I thought Joey was trying out for a big role in Days of our Lives. I mean, usually it's starring roles that actors sleep with people for. But Joey's trying out for the role of a friggin' cab driver! That's ridiculous. I wouldn't sleep with someone for that.
  

• I sincerely hope that 'Vincent Ventresca' is a stage name. Otherwise, his parents must've hated him.

• Russ and Julie meet. Aw. (In the way that that's incredibly strange and a little gross).

• Okay, this barely has anything to do with this blog, but it's smile generating amazingness makes it totally worth posting. Think of it as a Friday treat.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Yeah, Yeah, just a tough day at work. A Stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid." -Ross, telling about his day.

"I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug." -Chandler, on how much he had to drink.

"Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask." -Fun Bobby, wanting to add alcohol to everyone's coffee.

" Hey, yeah...we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia!" -Chandler, responding to Phoebe's idea of a soap opera themed party.

"There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village." -No Longer Fun Bobby.

"Bye...ridiculously dull Bobby." -Chandler.

"Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross." -Chandler, making introductions.

"You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare." -Chandler, about Ross and Russ.

"See? They're as different as night and...later that night." -Monica, on Ross and Russ.

"Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or...uh, Italy called and said it was hungry." -Chandler, walking in on Joey making lots of sauce.

"Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas." -Chandler, giving Joey advice.

"And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues." -Chandler, doing the crossword with Ross and Russ.

"You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful." -Russ, fighting with Ross.

"Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in." -Ross, not being jealous that Russ is a periodontist.

"I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant." -Chandler, taking a mini-bottle from Monica.

TOW: Phoebe's Dad

Phoebe: looks at a picture frame Ross bought as a Christmas gift and says that the sample picture is of her father. Phoebe shows the gang pictures of the same guy, but it's obvious that they are the sample pictures that come with the frame. Monica informs Phoebe of this. Phoebe has a talk with her grandmother, where she learns that the man she has pictures of is not, in fact, her real father. Phoebe must deal with the fact that her father is not a celebrated tree surgeon, who is off in some far away jungle, unable to communicate with his family. He's actually a pharmacist who lives in upstate New York. Phoebe calls information to try to find a Frank Buffay in various cities in upstate NY, but she doesn't have any luck. Phoebe's grandma tells Phoebe her father's address and lets Phoebe use her cab. Once at her father's house, Phoebe can't go farther than the mail box. She's afraid her father will be a disappointment. Chandler and Joey console her.

Monica and Rachel: have no money so they give their mailman, paper delivery guy, and super a Christmas bonus in cookies. The paper guy leaves the cookies mushed in the sports section and fills in the crossword puzzle. The mailman steps on tree ornaments that Monica's mom sends. They're having a Christmas party and the radiator breaks. Mr. Treeger, the super, says he can't fix the broken radiator knob until Tuesday. Their apartment is sweltering for the party and all their guests have to take off most of their clothes. Mr. Treeger comes by because, when calling to get the radiator fixed, Rachel mentioned they were throwing the party. Ross gives Treeger a cash Christmas bonus, thinking it'd help them get the radiator fixed. Mr. Treeger was telling the truth and really can't get the knob until Tuesday; he also really liked Monica's cookies.

Ross: wants to make up with Rachel, but she's still mad at him. Ross tells Rachel to make a list of his bad traits. She does and says he's obsessive and uses too much hair gel. For the rest of the evening, through out the party, Ross obsesses over using too much hair gel. He's the one who breaks the knob off of the radiator. He gives Treeger two bonuses thinking it'll help get the radiator fixed.

Joey and Chandler: go with Phoebe to see her dad. They go with her because they haven't done their Christmas shopping and they want to stop at an outlet mall. They wait as Phoebe makes her attempts to go to the door of her father's house. When she can't make it up to the door, they comfort her. The make sure she understands that it's okay that she's reluctant to meet her dad after so much time. Joey fixes the radiator as soon as they walk in to Monica and Rachel's. Apparently, you can turn it off from the bottom. Since they didn't make it to the outlet mall, they buy everyone gifts from a gas station.

• To get Rachel to forgive him, Ross buys her a slinky. What the eff, Ross? You know what kind of girl Rachel is, you think a slinky is the magic gift?

• Rachel's list for Ross: whiney, obsessive, insecure, gutless, he doesn't ever seize the day, and too much hair gel.

He spends the entire party talking about his hair gel usage. But, seriously, Ross, you use too much. Just by looking at him you can tell that if you touched that hair your hand would be sticky for a week.

• This painting...thing...legit freaks me out.

It's kinda nifty, but it's 3Dishness is off-putting.

• Phoebe thinks Einstein was her grandfather...well, not exactly, but it's his picture her grandma displays, claiming it's Phoebe's grandfather.
  

• Look at the sweltering, half-naked party guests!

Gunther's stylin'!

• I'm thinking that Phoebe's dad would notice that there was a junky yellow cab sitting outside his house. Especially since Phoebe's there for at least a couple of hours.
  

• Chandler and Joey get everyone gas station merchandise. Rachel=windshield wipers and a new-car smell air freshener; Phoebe=toilet seat covers; Ross=a cola and a lemon lime soda; Monica=condoms.
  

• Ugly Naked Guy decorates his Christmas tree.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls." -Phoebe, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me." -Ross, looking at the newspaper crossword puzzle.

"I can't believe it's Christmas already. Y'know, I mean, one day you're eatin' turkey, the next thing y'know, your lords are a-leapin' and your geese are a-layin'."
"Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year." -Joey and Chandler.

"It's a Slinky! Remeber, huh? Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's...just a big spring." -Ross, showing Rachel her gift.

"How have you never been on Oprah?" -Rachel, to Phoebe after Phoebe explains her family situation.

"Ok, I smell smoke. Maybe it's because someone's pants are on fire!" -Phoebe, to her grandma about her father.

"Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?" -Chandler, responding to Monica's concern about Chandler and Joey not having bought presents yet.

"Phoebe here with the cab yet?"
"Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab...hop in." -Joey and Chandler, waiting for Phoebe.

"Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal." -Ross, to Monica wanting to try to fix the radiator.

"Nice seizing...gel boy." -Rachel, after Ross gives Treeger money.

"Yeah, no, it's still basil." -Rachel, under the mistletoe with Treeger.

"Ho, ho, ho, holy crap, is it hot in here!" -Chandler, walking in to Monica and Rachel's.

"And a LEMON LIME!" -Chandler, showing Ross the soda he got him.

TOW: the List

Ross and Rachel: Rachel tells Monica and Phoebe about her kiss with Ross. Ross tells Chandler and Joey. Everyone is excited about the kiss, but Ross is confused and upset. He's still with Julie and still cares for her, but he also cares about and wants to be with Rachel. Rachel thinks he's going to choose Julie. Chandler and Joey convince Ross to make a pro/con list on Chandler's new laptop. Julie's con is that she's not Rachel. Ross breaks up with Julie. Rachel comes over to Chandler and Joey's, where Ross is, and learns of the break up. Ross and Rachel decide to take a walk for a little privacy. Rachel ends up seeing the pro/con list. It hurts her feelings and she storms out. She refuses to speak to Ross. Ross climbs the fire escape when Rachel won't let him in the apartment. He wants to read her her pro list, but she refuses to listen to it all. She's upset because Ross's con list was everything she didn't like about herself and Ross listed them as reasons not to be with her. He calls a radio station and dedicates U2's 'With or Without You' to her. Rachel calls the station and tells them what Ross did and they refuse to keep playing his song.

Chandler and Joey: Chandler gets a laptop, which he's really excited about. It's his idea to make the Julie and Rachel pro/con list. He wants to do it on his computer so they can make perfect columns, and use different fonts and colors. He and Joey try to help Ross make a decision. Chandler tries to print out the list, but his printer won't work. He and Joey comfort Ross after his break up with Julie. When Rachel comes in to their apartment, Joey tells her of the break up. Ross goes to get Rachel's coat and while he's gone, Rachel see's her name on Chandler's computer screen. The printer also starts working. She wants to see why Chandler wrote her name, but he and Joey refuse to show her. When Ross comes back, he refuses, too. They tell her it's a short story Chandler's writing. Chandler 'reads' it to her. She snatches the print out from him and reads the list. At Central Perk the next day Joey tells Monica and Phoebe the list was Chandler's idea, getting him in trouble.

Monica: can't find a job. She has an interview with a Mr. Rastatter (Michael McKean). His company's made a chocolate substitute, 'mockolate,' which is disgusting. He hires Monica to make Thanksgiving themed mockolate dishes. Monica looks for and cooks up various mockolate dishes. Phoebe and Rachel try them and think they're gross. Monica brings in a tray of mockolate items for Mr. Rastatter to taste. He informs Monica that the FDA approval of mockolate didn't go through. At the end of the episode, Mr. Rastatter calls Monica back in and wants her to make some dishes using 'fishtachios'.

Phoebe: is excited for and comforts Rachel. She taste tests one of the mockolate dishes for Monica. She also plays a song at Central Perk the day after Ross and Rachel's kiss. The song is about a love triangle and Julie just happens to be there with Ross. It's really awkward.

• Chandler's computer makes me cackle with glee.

Now, that's a relic if I ever saw one. It has 12 megabytes of ram and a 500 megabyte hard drive. No way!

• Michael McKean, or whatever, the guy that plays Mr. Rastatter (what the hell kind of name is that?), creeps me out. I have no earthly idea why, but he just seems kinda evil.

• I think we can all agree that the pro/con list probably wasn't the brightest idea Chandler's ever had. Also, misspelling 'Rachel.' That's not so good.

• Rachel's con list: kind of ditzy, too into her looks, spoiled, just a waitress, and chubby ankles.

• I'm confused as to how chubby ankles can be a con. Why does Ross care? It's not like that trait is a deal breaker.

• Whenever I hear 'With or Without You' I think of Ross and Rachel. I love that the DJ cuts the song off when she learns what Ross did. Ha.
  

• Ah, moodily starring out the window as it rains...
  

...sooo cliche, yet so wonderful. Have I mentioned that I'm a sucker for sap?
Rachel's head looks like it's in a thought-bubble, or something.

• Let's, for just a second, ponder the possible existence of 'fishtachios.' Gross. Even the name makes me shudder.

Oh. My. God.

"Tongue?"
"Yeah."
"Cool." -Joey and Ross, about Ross and Rachel's kiss.

"How'd you make out last night?" -Phoebe to Ross, after his kiss with Rachel.

"You got all that from saline solution?" -Joey, about Ross's confusion over Julie and Rachel.

"Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call...Loolie?" -Phoebe's song about the love triangle.

"Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?"
"What makes it pilgrim?"
"We'll put buckles on it." -Monica and Phoebe, searching for recipes to use mockolate with.

"Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" -Chandler, teasing Ross about being so upset.

"Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome." -Joey, trying to help Ross.

"This is what evil must taste like!" -Phoebe, after eating some mockolate.

"It's always been you, Rach." -Ross, telling Rachel he broke up with Julie.

"It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end." -Chandler's 'story.'

"That's it!? That's all you wrote!? You're the worst writer in the whole world!!" -Ross, responding to Chandler's story.

"Now, that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type 'little', the idiot." -Ross, trying to make the con list seem better.

"She's not 'rachem.' What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress?" -Rachel, reading Julie's con list.

"You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency." -Monica, after Chandler realizes he could've told Rachel she saw his diary.

"Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list." -Rachel, fighting with Ross.

"Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down." -Rachel, when Ross calls.