TOW: Phoebe's Dad

Phoebe: looks at a picture frame Ross bought as a Christmas gift and says that the sample picture is of her father. Phoebe shows the gang pictures of the same guy, but it's obvious that they are the sample pictures that come with the frame. Monica informs Phoebe of this. Phoebe has a talk with her grandmother, where she learns that the man she has pictures of is not, in fact, her real father. Phoebe must deal with the fact that her father is not a celebrated tree surgeon, who is off in some far away jungle, unable to communicate with his family. He's actually a pharmacist who lives in upstate New York. Phoebe calls information to try to find a Frank Buffay in various cities in upstate NY, but she doesn't have any luck. Phoebe's grandma tells Phoebe her father's address and lets Phoebe use her cab. Once at her father's house, Phoebe can't go farther than the mail box. She's afraid her father will be a disappointment. Chandler and Joey console her.

Monica and Rachel: have no money so they give their mailman, paper delivery guy, and super a Christmas bonus in cookies. The paper guy leaves the cookies mushed in the sports section and fills in the crossword puzzle. The mailman steps on tree ornaments that Monica's mom sends. They're having a Christmas party and the radiator breaks. Mr. Treeger, the super, says he can't fix the broken radiator knob until Tuesday. Their apartment is sweltering for the party and all their guests have to take off most of their clothes. Mr. Treeger comes by because, when calling to get the radiator fixed, Rachel mentioned they were throwing the party. Ross gives Treeger a cash Christmas bonus, thinking it'd help them get the radiator fixed. Mr. Treeger was telling the truth and really can't get the knob until Tuesday; he also really liked Monica's cookies.

Ross: wants to make up with Rachel, but she's still mad at him. Ross tells Rachel to make a list of his bad traits. She does and says he's obsessive and uses too much hair gel. For the rest of the evening, through out the party, Ross obsesses over using too much hair gel. He's the one who breaks the knob off of the radiator. He gives Treeger two bonuses thinking it'll help get the radiator fixed.

Joey and Chandler: go with Phoebe to see her dad. They go with her because they haven't done their Christmas shopping and they want to stop at an outlet mall. They wait as Phoebe makes her attempts to go to the door of her father's house. When she can't make it up to the door, they comfort her. The make sure she understands that it's okay that she's reluctant to meet her dad after so much time. Joey fixes the radiator as soon as they walk in to Monica and Rachel's. Apparently, you can turn it off from the bottom. Since they didn't make it to the outlet mall, they buy everyone gifts from a gas station.

• To get Rachel to forgive him, Ross buys her a slinky. What the eff, Ross? You know what kind of girl Rachel is, you think a slinky is the magic gift?

• Rachel's list for Ross: whiney, obsessive, insecure, gutless, he doesn't ever seize the day, and too much hair gel.

He spends the entire party talking about his hair gel usage. But, seriously, Ross, you use too much. Just by looking at him you can tell that if you touched that hair your hand would be sticky for a week.

• This painting...thing...legit freaks me out.

It's kinda nifty, but it's 3Dishness is off-putting.

• Phoebe thinks Einstein was her grandfather...well, not exactly, but it's his picture her grandma displays, claiming it's Phoebe's grandfather.
  

• Look at the sweltering, half-naked party guests!

Gunther's stylin'!

• I'm thinking that Phoebe's dad would notice that there was a junky yellow cab sitting outside his house. Especially since Phoebe's there for at least a couple of hours.
  

• Chandler and Joey get everyone gas station merchandise. Rachel=windshield wipers and a new-car smell air freshener; Phoebe=toilet seat covers; Ross=a cola and a lemon lime soda; Monica=condoms.
  

• Ugly Naked Guy decorates his Christmas tree.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls." -Phoebe, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me." -Ross, looking at the newspaper crossword puzzle.

"I can't believe it's Christmas already. Y'know, I mean, one day you're eatin' turkey, the next thing y'know, your lords are a-leapin' and your geese are a-layin'."
"Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year." -Joey and Chandler.

"It's a Slinky! Remeber, huh? Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's...just a big spring." -Ross, showing Rachel her gift.

"How have you never been on Oprah?" -Rachel, to Phoebe after Phoebe explains her family situation.

"Ok, I smell smoke. Maybe it's because someone's pants are on fire!" -Phoebe, to her grandma about her father.

"Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?" -Chandler, responding to Monica's concern about Chandler and Joey not having bought presents yet.

"Phoebe here with the cab yet?"
"Yeah, she, she brought the invisible cab...hop in." -Joey and Chandler, waiting for Phoebe.

"Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your ability to fuse metal." -Ross, to Monica wanting to try to fix the radiator.

"Nice seizing...gel boy." -Rachel, after Ross gives Treeger money.

"Yeah, no, it's still basil." -Rachel, under the mistletoe with Treeger.

"Ho, ho, ho, holy crap, is it hot in here!" -Chandler, walking in to Monica and Rachel's.

"And a LEMON LIME!" -Chandler, showing Ross the soda he got him.

TOW: the List

Ross and Rachel: Rachel tells Monica and Phoebe about her kiss with Ross. Ross tells Chandler and Joey. Everyone is excited about the kiss, but Ross is confused and upset. He's still with Julie and still cares for her, but he also cares about and wants to be with Rachel. Rachel thinks he's going to choose Julie. Chandler and Joey convince Ross to make a pro/con list on Chandler's new laptop. Julie's con is that she's not Rachel. Ross breaks up with Julie. Rachel comes over to Chandler and Joey's, where Ross is, and learns of the break up. Ross and Rachel decide to take a walk for a little privacy. Rachel ends up seeing the pro/con list. It hurts her feelings and she storms out. She refuses to speak to Ross. Ross climbs the fire escape when Rachel won't let him in the apartment. He wants to read her her pro list, but she refuses to listen to it all. She's upset because Ross's con list was everything she didn't like about herself and Ross listed them as reasons not to be with her. He calls a radio station and dedicates U2's 'With or Without You' to her. Rachel calls the station and tells them what Ross did and they refuse to keep playing his song.

Chandler and Joey: Chandler gets a laptop, which he's really excited about. It's his idea to make the Julie and Rachel pro/con list. He wants to do it on his computer so they can make perfect columns, and use different fonts and colors. He and Joey try to help Ross make a decision. Chandler tries to print out the list, but his printer won't work. He and Joey comfort Ross after his break up with Julie. When Rachel comes in to their apartment, Joey tells her of the break up. Ross goes to get Rachel's coat and while he's gone, Rachel see's her name on Chandler's computer screen. The printer also starts working. She wants to see why Chandler wrote her name, but he and Joey refuse to show her. When Ross comes back, he refuses, too. They tell her it's a short story Chandler's writing. Chandler 'reads' it to her. She snatches the print out from him and reads the list. At Central Perk the next day Joey tells Monica and Phoebe the list was Chandler's idea, getting him in trouble.

Monica: can't find a job. She has an interview with a Mr. Rastatter (Michael McKean). His company's made a chocolate substitute, 'mockolate,' which is disgusting. He hires Monica to make Thanksgiving themed mockolate dishes. Monica looks for and cooks up various mockolate dishes. Phoebe and Rachel try them and think they're gross. Monica brings in a tray of mockolate items for Mr. Rastatter to taste. He informs Monica that the FDA approval of mockolate didn't go through. At the end of the episode, Mr. Rastatter calls Monica back in and wants her to make some dishes using 'fishtachios'.

Phoebe: is excited for and comforts Rachel. She taste tests one of the mockolate dishes for Monica. She also plays a song at Central Perk the day after Ross and Rachel's kiss. The song is about a love triangle and Julie just happens to be there with Ross. It's really awkward.

• Chandler's computer makes me cackle with glee.

Now, that's a relic if I ever saw one. It has 12 megabytes of ram and a 500 megabyte hard drive. No way!

• Michael McKean, or whatever, the guy that plays Mr. Rastatter (what the hell kind of name is that?), creeps me out. I have no earthly idea why, but he just seems kinda evil.

• I think we can all agree that the pro/con list probably wasn't the brightest idea Chandler's ever had. Also, misspelling 'Rachel.' That's not so good.

• Rachel's con list: kind of ditzy, too into her looks, spoiled, just a waitress, and chubby ankles.

• I'm confused as to how chubby ankles can be a con. Why does Ross care? It's not like that trait is a deal breaker.

• Whenever I hear 'With or Without You' I think of Ross and Rachel. I love that the DJ cuts the song off when she learns what Ross did. Ha.
  

• Ah, moodily starring out the window as it rains...
  

...sooo cliche, yet so wonderful. Have I mentioned that I'm a sucker for sap?
Rachel's head looks like it's in a thought-bubble, or something.

• Let's, for just a second, ponder the possible existence of 'fishtachios.' Gross. Even the name makes me shudder.

Oh. My. God.

"Tongue?"
"Yeah."
"Cool." -Joey and Ross, about Ross and Rachel's kiss.

"How'd you make out last night?" -Phoebe to Ross, after his kiss with Rachel.

"You got all that from saline solution?" -Joey, about Ross's confusion over Julie and Rachel.

"Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call...Loolie?" -Phoebe's song about the love triangle.

"Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?"
"What makes it pilgrim?"
"We'll put buckles on it." -Monica and Phoebe, searching for recipes to use mockolate with.

"Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" -Chandler, teasing Ross about being so upset.

"Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome." -Joey, trying to help Ross.

"This is what evil must taste like!" -Phoebe, after eating some mockolate.

"It's always been you, Rach." -Ross, telling Rachel he broke up with Julie.

"It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end." -Chandler's 'story.'

"That's it!? That's all you wrote!? You're the worst writer in the whole world!!" -Ross, responding to Chandler's story.

"Now, that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type 'little', the idiot." -Ross, trying to make the con list seem better.

"She's not 'rachem.' What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress?" -Rachel, reading Julie's con list.

"You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency." -Monica, after Chandler realizes he could've told Rachel she saw his diary.

"Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list." -Rachel, fighting with Ross.

"Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down." -Rachel, when Ross calls.

TOW: Ross Finds Out

Rachel: goes on a date to try and forget about Ross. She's incredibly positive about the date until she learns that Ross and Julie are getting a cat. Monica set her up with a recently divorced man, Michael (Arye Gross). The date goes really badly. All Rachel can talk about is Ross, Julie, and the cat. She also gets drunk. Michael tells Rachel all she needs is closure; something to help her get over Ross. Rachel borrows a guy's cell phone to call Ross. She leaves a message talking about how she now has closure. Rachel doesn't remember much the next morning and when Ross comes in to the apartment she thinks she had a dream about him or maybe talked to him on the phone.

Ross: decides to get a cat with Julie. He's very excited and asks to have cat toys from Monica. He doesn't think anything weird is happening until he goes to Monica and Rachel's for the cat toys. Rachel is hungover and jumps on him when he checks his messages. Rachel wasn't able to stop him from hearing her drunk message about closure. He can't stay to talk to Rachel about the revelation of their mutual feelings; Julie is waiting outside with a cab, so they can get their cat. At the humane shelter, Ross can't decide which cat to get. Julie narrows it down to two cats, but Ross can't choose. He goes to Central Perk while Rachel is closing up.

They get into an argument. Ross is angry that she told him she had feelings for him when he's with Julie. They fight about why neither said anything before. Ross storms out and Rachel locks the doors behind him. She cries and Ross watches form the door. Rachel unlocks the door and they kiss. Um, awww.

Chandler and Monica: Chandler had a really bad time at a party and feels unattractive. Phoebe points out that he's gained a little weight. Monica decides to help him workout as an unemployment project. Monica is really excited about her new hobby; Chandler is less enthused. He keeps up with the exercise program pretty well for a few days, but gets fed up with Monica's never ending enthusiasm. She tries to get him to run early on a Sunday morning, but he refuses. Finally, Chandler tells her he's not working out anymore. Monica taunts him as motivation. Chandler tells Monica her energy is admirable because she's unemployed, a disappointment to her parents, and boyfriendless. Chandler says he'd have trouble getting out of bed if he was in her position. He depresses Monica so much she takes a nap on Chandler and Joey's couch.

Phoebe and Joey: Phoebe is dating a man named Scott. They've been on several dates, but Scott won't have sex with her. Joey asks if maybe Scott is gay, but Phoebe assures him that's not the case. After another date with Scott, Phoebe tells Joey she's decided she isn't sexy enough. Joey assures her that's not true. Joey tells Phoebe to just talk to Scott. Phoebe tells Joey she finally had sex with Scott. She took Joey's advice and talked to Scott about the no sex. Scott wanted to wait because he know how sex could make relationships serious, especially for women. Phoebe assures him they can have sex without it being a big thing. Joey is envious of Scott because he got Phoebe to beg for sex and then promise no-strings-attached sex.

• This may be my very favorite episode. It's hard to say definitively that it is, indeed, my most favorite, but it's definitely top five. Three words: Ross and Rachel.

• Phoebe's Scott thing is a little silly. It's entertaining, but mostly filler for the big story, which is Ross and Rachel.
  

• Chandler's supposed to have gained, I don't know, five--maybe ten--pounds.
  

It's a good thing they had the bulky, ugly sweater lying around. It still doesn't look like he's gained any weight, though.

• I just really like this moment

Chandler's so sore he can barely lift his coffee cup. Also of note, the "reserved" placard. Can you really do that in a tiny coffee shop? I'm thinking not so much.

• Two best. moments. ever. How could they not be? I mean it's Ross and Rachel.
  

Uh, it doesn't really need an explanation. Nothing, I repeat, nothing is better than "You're uh, you're, you're over me? When--When were you... under me?"



Moral issue: is Ross justified at being angry Rachel told him? If you were Ross, would you want to know? I'm thinking yes, but if it wasn't Ross and Rachel, I'm not sure that'd still be my answer....Thoughts?

Oh.My.God.

"Alright, ok, alright. But if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home." -Chandler, agreeing to workout with Monica.

"Oh, can't make...hands...meet..." -Phoebe, hugging Chandler.

"She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore." -Chandler, discussing Monica's exercise regimen.

"Maybe he, uhh...drives his car on the others die of the road, if y'know what I mean."
"No, whad'ya mean? He's not British." -Joey and Phoebe, talking about Scott.

"No, I felt it on my hip. I could tell." -Phoebe, on why Scott isn't gay.

"Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it." -Chandler, when Monica suggests playing racquetball.

"He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing." -Rachel, watching Ross and Julie outside Central Perk.

"When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, 'excellent butt, great rack'." -Joey, assuring Phoebe of her sexiness.

"And, you know, ya see there, I'm thinking of names, so obviously, I am over you. I am over you. And that, my friend, is what they call closure." -Rachel's message for Ross.

"How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?" -Phoebe, at Joey's. This is also one of those meaningful questions of life, I think.

"This man is my God." -Joey, about Scott's success with Phoebe.

"Do you have any cats that are really old or incredibly sick?" -Ross, at the humane shelter after finding out about Rachel.

"Both? BOTH!? I can't have two cats! Joey's the kinda guy who could have two cats." -Ross, after Julie suggests getting both cats.

TOW: the Baby on the Bus

Ross and Monica: Ross has Ben over at Monica's. Every time Monica is near Ben, he cries. Monica makes kiwi lime pie, but Ross thinks it's key lime pie. Ross is allergic to kiwi and begins having a reaction. Monica has to rush Ross to the hospital and Ross leaves Joey and Chandler in charge of Ben. Ross is afraid of needles and makes Monica ask the doctor if instead of a shot, the medicine could be administered orally. It has to be the shot, so Monica allows Ross to squeeze her hand. Ross squeezes so hard he nearly breaks Monica's hand and she has to have x-rays. When they return to Monica's apartment, she and Ross reminisce about all the times they hurt one another when they were children. Monica learns that Ross cut the legs off her Malibu Ken. Ross says he only did it because the legs were infected and Ken was going to die.

Chandler and Joey: were planning to play basketball before a) Monica threw the ball out the window and b) Ross had the allergic reaction and they agree to watch Ben. They decide to take Ben out for a walk; Joey thinks it'll be a good way to pick up chicks (oddly like pick up sticks). The first woman they meet, played by Lea Thompson, thinks that they're a gay couple who've adopted a child. Deciding the walk was a bust, Chandler hails a taxi just as Joey sees some girls getting on a bus. They abandon the taxi and get on the bus, beginning a conversation with the women. Chandler and Joey get off with the women at their stop, forgetting Ben. They call the transit authority and are told to come pick up their baby. When they arrive, there are two babies and they don't know which is Ben. They pick one and bring him home. They're worried they chose the wrong baby because Ben doesn't cry when Monica first picks him up. Ben finally cries and they think they're home free until Ross changes Ben's diaper. The diaper is has a stamp on it that reads, "Property of Human Services." Ross chases them out of Monica's apartment.

Phoebe and Rachel: Phoebe is preparing to play at Central Perk; she wrote a new song and plays it for Rachel. Terry, Rachel's boss, calls her over and informs her that Phoebe can't play as planned. Instead, he's hired a professional musician. He makes Rachel tell Phoebe she can't play. Phoebe's upset, so Rachel talks Terry into allowing Phoebe to go on after the pro. Phoebe is excited until she learns she isn't being paid. Phoebe sets up outside Central Perk and plays in protest. Stephanie (Chrissie Hynde, from the Pretenders) is the pro and Phoebe challenges her on her knowledge of the chords. Stephanie knows all the chords, but doesn't have a guitar strap, so Phoebe feels superior. Stephanie is a hit at Central Perk. While Stephanie plays 'Angle of the Morning,' Rachel goes out to see Phoebe and brings her a cup of coffee. Phoebe doesn't enjoy playing for money and decides to play for herself. Phoebe teaches Stephanie 'Smelly Cat.'

• Chandler and Joey use their basketball as a Ben stand-in to make fun of Monica. Joey cries every time Chandler holds the ball close to him...which is why Monica throws it out the window.

• The dreaded Terry is in this episode. Ugh, I hate that man. And not just because he won't let Phoebe play. His voice makes my ears want to shrivel up and die.

• Look! It's Chrissie Hynde!

I always forget she's in this episode and then get really excited...but I'm not entirely sure why I care so much...

• Frank Jr. is here! Only...he's not Frank Jr. He's just some guy who tosses a condom in Phoebe's guitar case and then comes back for it. But still, it's Giovanni Ribisi. He must've run back for the condom really well to get a recurring role.
  

I also really like Phoebe's jacket. It's so--shiny.

• This is the first time Phoebe plays 'Smelly Cat.' Yay!
  

Oh. My. God.

"Is your tongue swelling up?"
"Either that or my mouth is getting smaller." -Monica and Ross, after Ross eats the kiwi.

"And Tegrin spelled backwards is 'Nirget'." -Phoebe's song she wrote in the shower.

"You know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?" -Chandler, taking Ben for a walk.

"My--my name is written out in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk." -Phoebe, learning Terry hired a professional to play at Central Perk.

"Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it in my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun." -Ross, showing his fear of needles.

"That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out." -Chandler, after all the women they meet on their walk think he and Joey are gay.

"No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff." -Joey, to the women on the bus.

"We live in the building by the, uh, sidewalk."
"You know it?" -Joey and Chandler, to the women on the bus.

"Hey! Hey! I got my S's back!" -Ross, after the swelling goes down.

"Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads."
"What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?" -Joey and Chandler, trying to flip a coin to decide which baby is Ben.

"Stay back, I've got kiwi! Run, Joey, run!" -Chandler, as he and Joey run from Ross.

TOW: Five Steaks and an Eggplant

Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey: learn that everyone in the group owes $62 for Ross' birthday celebration, including concert tickets, a gift, and a cake. Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey get upset because they really don't have that kind of money, but Ross, Chandler, and Monica never seem to take that into consideration. It bothers Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey that the others just assume they have enough money to go out to dinner and do expensive stuff. They all go out to celebrate Monica's new job, but Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey can't afford much on the menu. They share their issues after Ross divides the bill five ways, expecting Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey to pay over thirty bucks for their tiny meals. Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey tell the others of their money issues and how they feel uncomfortable. When Monica brings home raw ingredients for a dinner for six and six concert tickets for Hootie and the Blowfish, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are not pleased. Now they feel like charity cases. Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey decide not to go to the concert. They're furious when they learn that the others got to party with the band.

Chandler, Ross, and Monica: don't have problems with money because they all have well paying jobs. They never take money into consideration when deciding how to spend their time. Chandler and Monica seem to have a large hand in planning Ross' party, including the concert tickets. Monica is made head lunch chef and head of purchasing at the restaurant and wants everyone to go out and celebrate. She, Ross, and Chandler order huge, expensive entrees, while the others barely eat anything. They really don't get Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe's point-of-view, but they try to be understanding. They come up with a plan to make dinner with the five steaks and eggplant that Monica brings home from the restaurant and they buy six concert tickets for the gang. When the others decide not to go, Monica, Chandler, and Ross still attend. They decide to leave because it's not the same without the other three, but then the concert starts. Monica runs into a guy, Stevie Fisher (Chris Young), she used to babysit. He's now the band's lawyer and gets Chandler, Ross, and Monica backstage. They get to party with Hootie and the Blowfish and Monica makes out with one of the Blowfish.

Chandler: is screening his calls when he a woman, Jade (Brittney Powell), calls for someone named Bob. Jade sounds hot, so Chandler picks up, pretending to be Bob. Chandler sets up a date for Jade and Bob, and plans on hooking up with Jade after Bob stands her up. Ross tries to talk him out of it, but Chandler goes through with it. He and Jade start dating. The day of the concert, Chandler and Jade have sex. Chandler's telling Ross about it when the phone rings; it's Jade for Bob. She still wants to hook up with Bob and says the sex with Chandler wasn't very good.

Monica: changes meat vendors at the restaurant after she's made head of purchasing. The new meat vendor gives her the five steaks (I'm not sure where the eggplant is from). After the concert, Monica gets a page from the restaurant. She calls and learns that the management of the restaurant view the five steaks as a kickback. Monica is fired.

• I find the dance Ross and Chandler do, when Chandler pretends to be Bob, a little creepy.

• This is Jade:
  

Jade's legs are on the new James Bond poster.

• Man, remember Hootie and the Blowfish? That was, like, way back in the day.
  

• I'm not a huge fan of this episode. I don't think it's very funny and not a lot happens. It's mostly the gang arguing about money. I find it boring.

• Rachel apparently slept with Stevie Fisher's dad. Scandalous.
  

• I'm so apathetic about the Five Steaks and an Eggplant. I have nothing else to say about it. I keep going over my notes and trying to muster up something to say, but all I got is, "meh."
• Oh, well Julie's out of town. Ross pines.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Spanish midgets...Spanish midgets wrestling....Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there." -Chandler, after Ross whimpers about missing Julie.

"Having a phone has finally paid off." -Chandler, having made a date with Jade.

"Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right there on the edge of my seat." -the waiter, waiting for them to order.

"Anything else?"
"Yes, how 'bout a verse of 'Killing Me Softly'?" -the Waiter, and Chandler.

"So, the Ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?" -Chandler, trying to ease the tension at dinner.

"So, uh, how was he?"
"Eh."
"Eh?" -Chandler as Bob and Jade, about sleeping with Chandler.

"No, I just--I fell down."
"On someone's lips?" -Monica and Rachel, about Monica's hickey.

"That would be the work of a Blowfish." -Monica, explaining her hickey.

TOW: Phoebe's Husband

Phoebe: is married to a gay, ice dancer, named Duncan (Steve Zahn). Duncan comes into town, wanting to meet up with Phoebe. Phoebe was in love with Duncan, even though she knew he was gay. They got married because Duncan, who's Canadian, needed a green card. Phoebe visits Duncan after his show, he's in the Ice Capades, and Duncan asks for a divorce. Duncan has recently realized he's straight and has fallen in love with a woman. Phoebe is horrified, especially since she was in love with him. She asks if they'd be together if he'd realized he was straight when she was around, but decides she doesn't want an answer. She signs the divorce papers, they kiss, and she goes on her way, but not before asking about Duncan's definitely straight brother.

Rachel: talks to her mom on the phone. Her mom is worried about crime in the city, but Rachel assures her she's okay. During the conversation, a pigeon flies into the open kitchen window, freaking Rachel out. She catches the pigeon in a pot, but lets it go again when Duncan comes by for Phoebe and says he's Phoebe's husband. Rachel is anguishing over Ross and Julie, despite being encouraged by Monica to get over him. She attempts to stop Ross from having sex with Julie for the first time. First, she tells him that girls like not having sex better, that waiting is sexy. Then, after Ross decides to go through with it, she tries to keep the gang at Ross's apartment for as long as possible. She hopes that by the time they leave, Ross and Julie will be too tired for sex. Her plan doesn't work. She tries to psych Ross out and it works until he says he's really happy. Rachel encourages him to go for it, while simultaneously attempting to seduce him. It doesn't work.

Ross: asks Rachel how long she'd been in a relationship before having sex. It comes out that Ross hasn't had sex with Julie yet. He's sort of afraid to have sex with her because of the whole, 'Carol being a lesbian' thing. He considers Rachel's position, that women like waiting, but decides to go with Joey's advice, which is to get over it and have sex with Julie. He and Julie make dinner for Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler. They all stay up really late while Rachel interrogates Julie about herself, starting with her childhood. Despite the late hour, Ross tells Rachel he's still going through with it. Rachel describes the way she'd want Ross to approach her if they were about to have sex. Rachel and Ross get really close, seeming to have a moment, but when Rachel finishes speaking, Ross hurries into his apartment to be with Julie. The next morning, Ross struts down the street to 'Singin' in the Rain.'

Monica: gets upset when she hears that Phoebe married Duncan. She knew that Phoebe was in love with him and that he was gay. She's also upset that Phoebe never told her about the marriage because she tells Phoebe everything. During this who-tells-who-everything argument, it's revealed that Monica's underwear are hanging from the light post by the apartment building. This resulted from Monica having sex with Fun Bobby on the balcony. The only person Monica told that story was Chandler, but he told Phoebe. To get back at Chandler, Monica tells the group that Chandler has a third nipple. She thinks Rachel needs to get over Ross.

Chandler: has a third nipple! He calls it his nubbin. He'd only told Monica and Joey about the existence of the nubbin. Everyone else want to see it and they tease him. To take the attention off himself, he tells that Joey was in a porn. It doesn't work, they all just want to know about his third nipple. He brings Joey's porn to the dinner at Ross and Julie's. He gets roped into staying and listening to Rachel interrogate Julie.

Joey: did a porn. He was the lead, but got cold feet. They let him be a repairman who comes in to fix a copy machine, but can't because people are having sex on it. He doesn't mind that Chandler rents it and they watch it.

• Rachel and the pigeon make me giggle.
  

It's so great that the newspaper was already nicely laid out on the table.

• Phoebe having a secret husband is totally plausible. She's the only one who is mysterious and off-beat enough. You hear Phoebe's married to a gay, ice dancer-- it makes sense.

Is it just me, or is there nothing better than Steve Zahn dressed as a sparkly matador? I'm a wee bit concerned about Phoebe's Stepfordian look, but am also quite a fan of that dress.

• I'm never really sure how to spell Ice Capade. It seems like one word, like 'icecapade,' or maybe a hyphenate, 'ice-capade'. What's also remarkable is how many times the Ice Capades have been mentioned so far in the series.
  

• I think it's absolutely hilarious that Duncan was peer-pressured into gayness. The idea of a closeted straight man just cracks me up because it's always the other way around.It's nice to see the gay husband thing turned on its head.

• I'm sorta confused why Carol being a lesbian makes Ross nervous about having sex with Julie...Is it because he thinks he'll make Julie a lesbian? Or does he just not want to make himself vulnerable to getting hurt? The latter I understand, but the former...not so much.
  

• I've seen this season several times, but seriously,

KISS ALREADY!

• I can't get 'Singin' in the Rain' out of my head. Thanks, Ross.

Oh. My. God.


"Hey, how--how did you do that?" -Duncan, after Rachel let's the pigeon out of the pot.

"You bitch." -Chandler, to Monica after she tells about his third nipple.

"Oh as--as opposed to your other mutli-functional nipples?" -Rachel, about Chandler's nubbin.

"So, what's it shaped like?"
"Yeah, is there a hair on it?"
"What happens if you flick it?" -Ross, Phoebe, and Joey, about the nubbin.

"Why yes, Ross. Pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia." -Chandler.

"The Ice Capades?"
"No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast, but when Snoopy falls...funny."
-Joey and Chandler, learning that Duncan is in the Ice Capades.

"Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright." -Chandler, walking in on Julie and Ross kissing.

"Looks to me like he's the one getting the job." -Ross, watching Joey's porn.

"You know, that's bad for the paper tray." -Joey's line in the porn.

TOW: Heckles Dies

Mr. Heckles comes to Monica and Rachel's to tell them to keep it down. They don't think they were being particularly loud. Mr. Heckles starts banging on his ceiling with a broom and the gang, all at Monica's, stomps at him out of frustration. Heckles dies.

Monica and Rachel: feel really guilty because they know Heckles was banging on the ceiling when he died to get them to stop making so much noise. Heckles' lawyer shows up and tells them that Heckles left them everything in his apartment. Monica thinks he left them his things because he liked them, but his apartment is so cluttered with junk that Monica decides it was his last payback. Rachel finds a horrible driftwood, sea shell lamp that she has to have, but Monica hates it. It comes out that Monica still thinks of their apartment as hers. Rachel takes the lamp. Preparing to go out to dinner, Monica puts on her jacket and breaks the lamp. Rachel's sure Monica did it on purpose. To make up for it, as they finish cleaning Heckles' place, Monica gives Rachel a girlie-clock Rachel'd been admiring to decorate their apartment.

Chandler: breaks up with a woman because of her distractingly huge nostrils. Everyone criticizes Chandler for breaking up with women for silly reasons. Chandler says he broke up with Janice for valid reasons. After Heckles dies, and they're going through his things, Chandler finds a 'big book of grievances' that Heckles would write in. Joey finds Heckles' year book. Chandler starts freaking out when he learns that Heckles was the class clown, played clarinet, and was in the miniature club, all things very similar to Chandler in high school. Chandler spends the night in Heckles' apartment, fearing that he'll end up alone and crazy. His fears get worse when he finds a box of pictures of all of Heckles ex's, where Heckles cataloged all of their faults. Joey tries to comfort him, but Chandler decides he has to make a change right away. Chandler calls Janice. Janice comes into Central Perk and is pregnant and married. Chandler thinks he's lost all his chances at not ending up alone. He tells Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe of his fears and they say he's just being a normal guy. Chandler feels better and asks out a woman he works with, despite her giant head. On the date, he can't get over how huge her head is.

Ross and Phoebe: fight about evolution. Phoebe mentions that she doesn't believe in the theory of evolution. Ross is upset and makes it his personal mission to convince Phoebe that evolution is scientific fact. He talks about the fossil records of species evolving and even brings samples home from the museum. Phoebe is irritated that Ross can't open his mind enough to acknowledge that scientists might not know everything about evolution and what they think they know could change. Ross finally admits that Phoebe is correct; there's a possibility that evolution is not true. Phoebe is upset that Ross would abandon his principles so easily.

Joey: tries to comfort Chandler about being similar to Heckles. He's also transfixed by Heckles' magnifying mirror thing and takes it at the end of the episode. Oh, yeah, he also dated a drag queen when he was first in the city. The gang can't bring themselves to tell him that, really, only dudes have Adam's apples.

• What constitutes abnormally large nostrils, exactly? Cause, y'know, if someone had a huge nose it'd be weird for them to have tiny nostrils.

• This is the first episode with Mr. Treeger (Mike Hagerty), the apartment maintenance guy.

He looks like a mixture of Cliff and Norm from 'Cheers.' Ross seems to have indigestion.

• This really is an awful, awful lamp.
  

I'm all for kitsch, but, um, ew. I'm faintly amused by the girlie-clock, though.

• Should I feel sorry for Chandler when Janice comes in pregnant?
  

Cause I just think it's epically awesome.

• This is, all things considered, a pretty good episode... But the part where they leave Heckles' apartment for the last time and Chandler says, "Bye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down"... I'm not an unsentimental person, but blergh. I know he's supposed to have learned about himself from Heckles' death, and that's great and all, but the line was totally unnecessary.
  

Oh. My. God.

"When she sneezed, bats flew out of them." -Chandler, commenting on Joan's nostrils.

"Uh-oh. It's Issac Newton, and he's pissed." -Chandler, responding to a knock at the door after Phoebe says she doesn't believe in gravity.

"Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap." -Chandler, in Heckles's apartment for the first time.

"Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?" -Phoebe, arguing with Ross over evolution.

"Opposable thumbs! Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?" -Ross, explaining opposable thumbs to Phoebe.

"Is there blood coming out of my ears?" -Ross, after fighting with Phoebe.

"Did they go to the zoo? Supposably." -Joey, trying to figure out how to say 'supposedly.'

"Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps." -Rachel, responding to Monica saying she's allergic to shellfish.

"Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake." -Chandler, freaking out about being alone.

"Nice smile, good dresser...BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD, BIG HEAD!" -Chandler, inner monologue during his dinner with Alison.