TOW: Ross Moves In

Chandler, Joey, and Ross: Joey's in Central Perk with Chandler, reading National Geographic and laughing at a pig with big boobs, when Ross comes in. Emily's cousin, who he and Emily planned to sublet their apartment from, has kicked Ross out, and now he doesn't have anywhere to live. He asks Chandler and Joey if he can live with them for a bit, and they agree. Chandler and Joey come home one evening, to find their place full of boxes from Ross moving in. They invite Ross to put his name on the answering machine out going message, but Ross already has. Their message is now set to "We Will Rock You." Chandler and Joey are not pleased. Joey makes a fort out of all of Ross's boxes. Chandler finds Ross's air purifier, which makes him seriously unhappy. He had to listen to Ross's air purifier all through college, finding it completely irritating. Joey and Ross are alone at the apartment together. Joey's fidgety, really wanting to do something, but Ross is working. Whenever Joey makes noise, Ross does a 'quiet down' gesture. Chandler comes home, and Joey drags him into his bedroom (where they had to move the foosball table) to complain about Ross. Joey can't stand the 'quiet down' gesture, and can't do anything without Ross scolding him. Chandler encourages him to chill, because Ross's going through a hard time. They start playing foosball, and Ross comes in, doing the 'quiet down' gesture. Chandler and Joey agree that they can't stand living with Ross for any longer. All three of them hang out in Central Perk, reading the newspaper. Joey and Chandler force Ross to look at the apartment listings. One of them, a studio apartment, available right away, is circled. Chandler and Joey force Ross to look at the apartment. None of them are impressed-the place is tiny- but Chandler and Joey strongly urge Ross to take it. Ross understands what's going on, and goes down to put in an application. Chandler and Joey start feeling a little bad. They go back home, without Ross, still feeling bad about Ross and the apartment. The phone rings, Joey answers, and it's the landlord for the apartment building Ross applied to live in; Ross listed Chandler and Joey as references. Joey starts telling the landlord good things about Ross, but Chandler takes the phone. He tells the landlord that Ross has a dog and tap dances. The landlord doesn't mind either of those things, so Chandler tells him that Ross is a pimp. Chandler and Joey are playing around in the apartment, when Ross comes in. He tells them that his application was denied, but he's going to move in with Phoebe. Chandler and Joey beg him not to move in with Phoebe, but to stay with them. Ross is reluctant at first, but soon agrees. Chandler comes home to see another box fort in the living room. Joey pops up wearing a cowboy hat, urging Chandler to play in the fort. Chandler makes fun of him, until Ross pops up wearing a Native American head-dress. Chandler joins them, and gets to wear a bonnet.

Monica and Rachel: They're hanging out in Central Perk, when Rachel asks Monica how Ross is doing since he and Emily decided to divorce. Monica's worried that Rachel's going to start chasing after Ross again, but Rachel assures her she's just curious; plus, she's not interested in dating recently divorced men. The conversation is interrupted when Monica notices Danny standing at the counter; she asks what's going on with Danny and Rachel, but Rachel hasn't been out with him since they got pizza. They greet Danny, and he tells them he's having a housewarming party in a couple of days. He's excited about it, but doesn't invite Monica and Rachel. Rachel decides that Danny's trying to get her to ask him out, because then he'll have the power in the relationship. Not inviting Rachel to the party was a way of getting her interest, in the hopes that she would ask him out. Danny eventually comes over to Monica and Rachel's, to invite them to the party. Rachel declines the invitation, telling Danny she has to go to a regatta gala. After Danny leaves, Monica asks Rachel what she's doing, because all she wanted was Danny to ask her to the party, now he has and she said no. Rachel said no to keep the power. The night of the party, Danny comes by the apartment looking for a ladle, and Rachel's forced to hide because she's supposed to be at the gala. Around time for the party to start, Rachel gets all dressed up to seem like she's coming back from the gala. She and Monica head down to Danny's place, but find that the party's spilled into the hallway. Rachel needs to get down the stairs, to pretend like she's just coming up from the gala. She makes Monica distract Danny as she attempts to get further downstairs. When they're done with this subterfuge, Danny tells Rachel he's glad she stopped by, and asks her to stay where she is. Rachel's excited, because she thinks Danny wants to spend time with her. Instead, Danny brings a guy (Doug Benson) over that he wanted to hook Rachel up with. When Danny leaves, Rachel decides that Danny put the guy up to it.

Phoebe: goes with Monica during a health inspection at the restaurant. Phoebe thinks the inspector, Larry (Gregory Sporleder), is cute. She ends up giving him her number, and they start dating. On their first date, Phoebe can't stop looking at Larry's inspector badge. Larry excuses himself to use the restroom, but quickly returns because he saw several violations on his way to the restroom. He closes the restaurant down, which Phoebe thinks is hot. The next day, Phoebe tells Monica about the restaurant closing. Monica's disappointed, because she liked that restaurant a lot. Monica and Rachel offer to share their Chinese food with Phoebe, but Phoebe refuses once she hears where it's from. Joey comes into Monica and Rachel's, looking for food because the place he wanted to eat at had been closed. Phoebe laughs, telling him that she went there with Larry and he shut it down. Joey wants to know where they're supposed to eat, if Larry's going to close everything. Phoebe meets Larry in Central Perk for a date. Larry starts noticing that Central Perk has a lot of violations, and then Gunther comes from the back carrying trash. Larry tells Gunther this is a violation. Phoebe quickly steps in, telling Larry that he has to stop being the health inspector all the time; if he doesn't they won't be able to eat anywhere. Larry agrees, and Gunther scurries away.

• Eh, I can't blame Joey for laughing at the naked tribes ladies in National Geographic.

A pig's a little weird, though.

• Ross's hair.
  

Proving it can always get worse since 1994.

• Larry the Health Inspector is a such a doof.

• I don't get why Rachel always becomes totally unhinged when she gets a crush.
  

The whole, Danny-playing-hard-to-get, thing she decides is utterly absurd.

• It seems like there was something going on in the late nineties where everyone felt the need to sing on their answering machine.

• I could never date a health inspector. I wouldn't even want to hang out with a health inspector.

• I love Joey's box fort!

• Do they even have regatta gala's anymore? And Rachel totally sails because she teaches Joey.

• How does Ross have any friends?

• He may be irritating, but it's super sad when he realizes Chandler and Joey are trying to get rid of him.

• I think the Friends writers missed a great opportunity with the Ross-as-pimp storyline.

• Why do Monica's clothes never match?

• Hey! That guy Danny wants to set Rachel up with is Doug Benson! He does stuff on VH1 all the time!

I--I went through a phase where all I watched was VH1. What?

• Oh my God, I love that Chandler spins Joey in the chair!

• Fort Friends!!

The Magna Doodle Says:

No Girls Allowed

Oh. My. God.

"Are you looking at naked tribes women?" -Chandler, to Joey, after catching him giggling at a National Geographic.

"But you have to promise to tell me the second you are feeling better, so that we can make fun of your hair!" -Chandler, to Ross.

"He thought you said 'gonad'." -Chandler, to Ross, when Joey starts giggling uncontrollably.

"I'd let him check out my kitchen floors." -Phoebe, to Monica, about Larry.

"Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married." - Monica, to Rachel, during their conversation about Ross.

"Well, I guess we won't be warming his house." -Monica, to Rachel, when Danny fails to invite them to his housewarming party.

"You're fake laughing, too, right?"

"Oh, the tears are real." -Joey and Chandler, after hearing Ross's "We Will Rock You" answering machine greeting.

"Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!" -Joey, to Chandler.

"So the ball is in his court?"

"Ball? There is no ball." -Monica and Rachel, having a strange conversation re: Danny.

"Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?" -Chandler, to Joey, when Joey demonstrates Ross's 'quiet down' thing.

"What? What kind of regatta gala starts at night?!"

"The fake kind!" -Rachel and Monica, when Danny stops by for a ladle.

"Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, 'See you ladle'." -Phoebe, after Danny leaves with the ladle.

"Yeah, well look at this kitchen-slash-bathroom. Well, that's great. Y'know, so you can cook while in the tub." -Chandler, to Ross, about the amenities of the apartment they want Ross to take.

"You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?" -Joey, to Chandler.

"He's a big, tap dancing pimp!" -Chandler, to the landlord when he calls about Ross.

"Alright, whose court is the ball in now?"

"I thought there wasn't a ball." -Rachel and Monica, with the balls again.

"Well, I see you've had a productive day." -Chandler, to Joey, when he finds Joey in the fort wearing a cowboy hat.

"Isn't this a woman's hat?"

"Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!" -Chandler and Joey, in the fort.