TOW: Everybody Finds Out

Ross: watches Ugly Naked Guy pack up his apartment. He decides it might be fun to live right across from Monica and Rachel. The next day, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel go over to check out Ugly Naked guy's place. Ross thinks it's amazing, stunned that he never noticed how great the apartment is. Phoebe threatens to go fill out an application herself, and Ross runs out to fill out an application of his own. When he comes back, Rachel and Phoebe are jumping and screaming. Rachel tells him it's because they're so excited he could get this apartment. he starts jumping and screaming, too. Ross goes over to Monica and Rachel's with news about Ugly Naked Guy's place. He learned that Ugly Naked Guy is subletting the apartment himself, and has already gotten over a hundred applications. To get more of an edge, Ross sent Ugly Naked Guy a basket of mini-muffins. He wants the gang to see it, so he calls them over to the window. Instead of seeing Ross's basket of mini-muffins, they see a pinball machine, a mountain bike, and a whole table of muffin baskets. Ross pouts because obviously his bribe isn't going to get him anywhere. He stresses over not getting the apartment, since he wants it so badly. Rachel suggests Ross go over, and talk to Ugly Naked Guy about something he's interested in. They discuss a few things Ross could relate to him about, but don't come up with anything concrete before Ross has to pick Ben up. Ross ends up knocking at Ugly Naked Guy's door. He applauds Ugly Naked Guy for his lack of clothes. Across the street, the rest of the gang notices that Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend; Ross. Ross gets the apartment, and invites his museum boss, Donald, over. He's trying to prove he's getting his life together. Donald invites Ross to come back to the museum, but as Ross accepts, he gets quite the surprise from Chandler and Monica.

Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey: go with Ross to look at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment. Rachel goes to the restroom while Ross is putting in his application, leaving Phoebe alone in the living room. She notices Chandler and Monica across the street, waving to them. They don't notice since they start doing other things. Phoebe screams in shock, making Rachel sprint out of the bathroom. Rachel calms Phoebe down, telling her that she knows about Chandler and Monica, and Joey does, too, but Ross doesn't. To divert Ross from what's going on across the street, Rachel starts jumping and screaming out of joy for Ross possibly getting such a great apartment. Rachel tells Phoebe what she knows about Chandler and Monica's relationship. Joey comes in, and Rachel tells him that Phoebe knows. Joey's relieved, thinking that the secret keeping is over. Only, Phoebe thinks it'd be really fun to mess with Chandler and Monica. Joey doesn't want to do it, but Rachel's on board. Phoebe tells Rachel to use her position as the roommate, while Phoebe uses her sexuality. Chandler comes in for coffee, and Phoebe goes to flirt with him. She squeezes his bicep, giggles, confesses she's gotta thing for him, and indicates she'd like to hook up. The next day, Rachel asks Monica if she'd like to go to a movie, but Monica declines since she has to do 'laundry.' Rachel goes to her room, bringing out a gigantic laundry bag. Phoebe gives Monica quarters. As Rachel and Phoebe leave, Phoebe pinches Chandler's ass. Phoebe gets a phone call from Chandler, wanting to set up a date. Rachel realizes this means that Chandler and Monica are on to them. Joey confirms Rachel's suspicions, but again Phoebe and Rachel aren't finished. When Chandler's over, Phoebe accepts the date. With Rachel and Joey's help, Phoebe prepares for the date with perfume and wine. Rachel listens at the door. She goes over to Chandler's, pulling out all the stops to seduce him. She dances, Chandler suggests they should go to his room, Phoebe'd rather be slathered in lotion; Chandler runs to the bathroom for lotion, while Phoebe scrambles to the hall. Phoebe's getting worried, since Chandler isn't breaking down. Joey, suddenly knowing that once Chandler breaks all the secrets'll be over, tells Phoebe to show Chandler her bra. He'll freak out because he can't work them. He rips Phoebe's blouse open, amazingly not tearing off any buttons, and sends her back in. Chandler and Phoebe actually kiss, before Chandler gives in.

Monica and Chandler: Chandler's astonished when Phoebe hits on him in Central Perk. He tells Monica all about it in bed that evening, but she doesn't believe him. She knows that Phoebe's never been attracted to Chandler, and thinks he's misreading her actions. Chandler says he's doing laundry with Monica when Rachel invites Monica to the movies. They're both miffed when Rachel gives them actual laundry to do. Monica catches when Phoebe pinches Chandler's ass. Even after seeing it, she can't believe Phoebe's seriously interested in Chandler. She realizes that Phoebe knows about the relationship, and is messing with them. They go across the hall to confront Joey, thinking he told. Joey admits that Rachel and Phoebe know, but that they found out on their own. Again, Joey thinks all the secrets will stop, but now Chandler and Monica want to mess with Rachel and Phoebe. Chandler calls Phoebe to set up a date. When Phoebe eventually agrees to the date, Chandler freaks out. Monica calms him down. They're in the bathroom, preparing for the date. Chandler's panicking, but Monica tells him that Phoebe'll definitely give in. The date starts, and it's incredibly awkward. Chandler runs to the bathroom for lotion and encouragement when Phoebe wants to be slathered, naked. Monica reassures him, sending him back out to deal with Phoebe. Chandler notices Phoebe's shirt is ripped open, it makes him even more uncomfortable. They prepare to kiss, lips actually meeting, before Chandler gives it up. He tells Phoebe they can't have sex, because he loves Monica. Monica comes out of the bathroom, and they say they love each other. Rachel and Joey come in from the hall, and everyone thinks it's sweet. Joey thinks the secrets are over, but Ross still doesn't know about them, and they don't want him to be told.

• Bye, Ugly Naked Guy.

Your naked shenanigans will be missed.

• Phoebe finds out.

It's always great when all of your friends have seen you doing it with your boyfriend.

• When all else fails, jump.

Boy, that's an orange coat Phoebe's got.

• Phoebe and Rachel
  

the faces of evil.

• Joey has a stuffed animal. Um, aw.

• In which Phoebe uses her sexuality.

Hello, Mr. Bing.

• Chandler just can't win. Monica's dating him, and still doesn't think it's possible Phoebe could be attracted to him.

• Rachel giving Monica and Chandler actual laundry to do is pure genius. And soooo evil.
  

• Man, Ugly Naked Guy's apartment really is in high demand. I wish I had something that good to sell. I could use a pinball machine.
  

• Ass pinching.

• Monica does know Rachel knows, though. They had that whole conversation where Monica says Chandler's paying her to clean his room, and Rachel congratulates her on her new job.

• Chandler and Phoebe's hot date.

That's about as awkward as Michael Jackson kissing Lisa-Marie Presley.

• That shit takes talent.

Really, that's an exceptionally pretty bra.

• CHANDLER LOVES MONICA

This is less like Joanie loves Chachi than I made it sound.

• GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!

This is totally a best moment ever.

The Magna Doodle Says:

It's a little drawing of skiers.

Oh. My. God.

"Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes." -Ross, watching Ugly Naked Guy move.

"Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt." -Rachel, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"I can't believe I never realized how great it is!"

"Well, that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man." -Ross and Rachel, viewing Ugly Naked Guy's apartment.

"CHANDLER AND MONICA!!! CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!" -Phoebe, finding out about Chandler and Monica.

"All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp?!"

"Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it, phone doing it." -Phoebe and Rachel, discussing Chandler and Monica's relationship.

"Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window." -Rachel, telling Joey that Phoebe knows.

"Okay, so now they know that you know, and they don't know that Rachel knows?" -Phoebe, to Joey about who knows what.

"Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal." -Joey, telling Phoebe and Rachel about his stuffed animal.

"Well, I try to, y'know, squeeze things." -Chandler, when Phoebe compliments his arms.

"Well, my grandfather was Swedish, and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny." -Chandler, to Monica, on why he's so cute.

"I'm sorry, it's just, Phoebe always thought you were--you were charming in a--in a sexless kind of way."

"Oh, y'know, I--I can't hear that enough." -Monica and Chandler, discussing Phoebe's motives.

"Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day."

"Your work makes me sad." -Ross and Chandler, about the mini-muffins Ross sends to Ugly Naked Guy.

"Okay, but what about, y'know, my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps--she knows!!" -Chandler, realizing Phoebe knows about he and Monica.

"But see, they don't know that we know that they know!" -Monica, after learning Rachel and Phoebe know.

"Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming." -Joey, on what happened to Ugly naked Guy's cat.

"Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!" -Phoebe, after Chandler calls to set up a date.

"They don't know that we know they know we know! Joey, you can't say anything!"

"I couldn't even if I wanted to." -Phoebe and Joey, after learning Chandler and Monica know that Phoebe and Rachel know.

"I'm looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse." -Phoebe, to Chandler, after setting up their date.

"Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!" -Joey.

"It's Naked Ross!" -Rachel.

"Y'know, when you say things like that, it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!" -Phoebe, on her date with Chandler.

"I'm very glad we're gonna be having all the sex." -Chandler, to Phoebe, during their date.

"I can't have sex with you, because I'm in love with Monica!!" -Chandler, cracking under the pressure.

"I just-- I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!" -Phoebe, after Monica and Chandler tell they love each other.

"What are you doing?!! GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Ross, seeing Chandler and Monica doing it.