TOW: all the Resolutions

It's New Year's Eve and the gang's having a party at Monica and Rachel's. Joey's excited, but Chandler's not too happy because he wants to kiss Monica at midnight, but can't because the group didn't have plans to kiss. Joey runs around to arrange kisses, so that Chandler and Monica can kiss without it seeming weird.

After the party ends, they discuss their resolutions for 1999 (holy crap, that seems like such a long time ago).

Ross: first says that he's not going to have any divorces in 1999, before Rachel points out that his divorce from Emily isn't finalized yet. Ross then says that he wants to have fun, and do one new thing everyday. The firs thing Ross does is to ask out a woman he meets in Central Perk. It actually goes well for him, and he schedules the date for the next night. The afternoon of his date, Ross brings Ben over to Monica and Rachel's, because Monica's babysitting. Ross is wearing leather pants, which everyone pretends to like to mess with Chandler. Ross explains that he always walks by a leather store, thinking how great it smells, and he buys the pants to have good smelling pants. Chandler leaves, and everyone tells Ross the pants are horrible. He likes them, though, and wears them on his date with Elizabeth. He and Elizabeth (Sarah Peterson) watch a movie, but he's really hot and uncomfortable because of the pants. Elizabeth wants to snuggle, and Ross excuses himself to use the bathroom. Once inside, he pulls his pants down, sitting on the bathtub, fanning himself with a magazine, and splashing water on his legs to cool down. He feels much better, which is good since Elizabeth calls for him to come out and watch the movie. Ross tugs his pants up, but they're stuck. In a panic, he calls Joey for advice. Joey suggests using powder to absorb the sweat. Ross splatters powder all over himself and Elizabeth's bathroom. He tries to pull his pants up, but they're still stuck. After a few more suggestions, Joey mentions using Vaseline. Ross can't find any of that, but does see some lotion. He spurts the lotion on top of the powder, yanking his pants up. They still won't go up all the way, and now the powder and lotion have formed a paste. Elizabeth eventually goes to the door, begging Ross to emerge. He asks her to turn the lights off, but she won't. He comes out holding his pants, covered in the powder-lotion paste. Elizabeth's horrified. He goes over to Monica and Rachel's to get Ben. Everyone's over and are sympathetic over what happened to him with the pants. Ross feels like a huge idiot, but Monica comforts him by showing Ross a picture Ben drew. In the picture, Ross is a cowboy because of his leather pants. The drawing makes Ross feel much better, to the point that he's considering buying a pair of fringed leather pants.

Joey and Phoebe: Joey's resolution is to learn to play the guitar. He's listed some 'special skills' on his resume, and he'd like some of those to be true. Phoebe offers to teach him how to play, since she was able to teach herself. Joey thinks it's a great idea. The meet in Central Perk for their first lesson. Phoebe forbids Joey from touching an actual guitar, wanting to teach him the chords first. The problem is, Phoebe never bothered learning the names of the actual chords. Instead, she made up names based on how her hands looked when they were on the strings. She teaches Joey these made up names, and he does really well, at first. He's practicing at Monica and Rachel's, and Phoebe congratulates him at how well he's doing. He starts talking about how he stopped in a guitar shop the other day, making Phoebe freak out. She knows he touched a guitar, which he wasn't supposed to. She scolds him. Phoebe quizzes Joey about the chords, using her made up names. He's not doing so well, and Phoebe thinks he hasn't been practicing. Joey argues, saying he practiced a lot. Phoebe continues with the quiz, but is horrified when Joey mumbles the actual chord name to himself. She gets upset, since he's obviously using an alternative method to learn. They get in a fight, and Joey decides to use a professional. Joey goes home, having a talk with the chick and duck. He thinks they're guilting him for treating Phoebe badly. He's interrupted by Ross' panicked stuck-pants calls, and again when Rachel comes by with some big news. Joey eventually finds Phoebe in Central Perk and apologizes for their fight. He says he wants her to teach him, and he'll do everything she says. Phoebe decides he's ready to hold the guitar. Joey promptly drops it, and didn't even have the chord right.

Rachel: doesn't make a resolution of her own. Instead, her resolution is suggested after she finds a pair of glasses a guest named Blair forgot. Rachel promptly starts talking about Blair's philandering boyfriend. Monica tells Rachel that her resolution should be to stop gossiping. Rachel doesn't think she gossips very much, or at least, she looks at it as passing on vital information. Rachel agrees to the resolution, sure she won't have any trouble. Monica gets out Rachel's diary, to prove that she does have problems keeping resolutions. The year before, Rachel said she'd write in her diary every day, but didn't write more than one entry. Rachel thinks she can handle it. The day after she starts the resolution, Phoebe congratulates her for not gossiping at all that day. Rachel's proud of herself, because she learned a big secret about someone, and hasn't told. Rachel walks out into the empty common room to use the phone. When she picks it up, she hears Monica setting up a rendezvous. The man that replies is, of course, Chandler. Rachel's shocked, not sure what to do with the information. She ends up going over to talk to Joey about what she heard. Joey refuses to listen, he doesn't want to know anymore secrets, and Rachel's not supposed to gossip. Rachel and Joey end up alone, when Monica and Chandler have their tryst. Rachel hints around at what she knows, and Joey refuses to listen. Rachel suggests that if he found out on his own, then they could talk about it. Joey agrees to that, and Rachel tries to get him to go into Chandler's bedroom. They sorta realize that they each know something, but aren't really sure it's the same thing. It finally comes out, and Joey's relieved that someone else knows, but he swears Rachel to secrecy.

Chandler: makes a joke at Phoebe's expense when she says her resolution is to learn to fly a commercial airplane. She suggests that Chandler's resolution be to not make fun of his friends. The other's think that's a good idea, but don't believe Chandler can handle it. Ross bets him fifty bucks that he can't go a whole week without making fun of his friends. Chandler accepts the challenge. The gang makes it as hard for Chandler as possible. Ross's date, Elizabeth, has a funny last name--Hornswaggle. Ross and Joey keep bringing it up, wanting Chandler to break. He keeps it together, but almost loses it when Phoebe runs through her name for the guitar chords. Ross's leather pants don't help Chandler's plight much. He wants to make fun of them, but can't. The other's tell Ross they like the pants just to drive Chandler crazy. Chandler has to leave to avoid hysteria. The saga of the pants worsen when Ross considers getting a fringed pair to please Ben. Eventually, he gives up, giving Ross the fifty, and making all the jokes he kept in.

Monica: makes a resolution to stop worrying about cleanliness. Rachel crumbles a cracker on the floor, making Monica freak, and change her resolution. She decides to take more pictures of the group. She makes the resolutions competitive, saying that hers is the best because everyone can enjoy it.

• Is it just me, or is Joey arranging it so Chandler and Monica can kiss at midnight not the sweetest thing?

• Chandler's resolution is the best. Without a doubt.

• I didn't realize that Rachel had a gossiping problem. I've never heard her do it.

• Phoebe once lit a girl's bicycle on fire when the girl was gossiping about Phoebe. What was the girl saying? That Phoebe was crazy.

• I love Phoebe's names for the chords. These names include bear claw, turkey leg, old lady, tiger, dragon, and iceberg.

Old Lady.

• Phoebe doesn't know the chords (obviously), but she argues about them with Chrissie Hynde in the second season.

• Ross's leather pants.

Amazing.

• Rachel's expression when she picks up the phone and hears Monica and Chandler is priceless.

• I'd like to know Chandler's nickname.

• Ross, with a doctorate in paleontology, asks Joey what to do about the pants. Does he really think it's going to work out? Really?

• Joey throws a little fit when Rachel's about to tell him what she heard on the phone. Chandler sneaks up while Joey's eyes are closed. This happens:

• Is there a good way to explain this?
  

Anything at all?

• You have to admit, Chandler does amazingly well with his resolution considering the leather pants debacle, and Phoebe flying airplanes.

Oh. My. God.

" 1999! The Year of Joey!" -Joey, celebrating the New Year.

"Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!"

"But your divorce isn't even final yet."

"Just the one divorce in '99!" -Ross and Rachel.

"Now, all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths." -Chandler, to Phoebe, upon learning she wants to pilot a commercial plane.

"And you know what, paying me the fifty bucks could be the 'new thing you do' that day!" -Chandler, to Ross, after they decide on their bet.

"I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip?"

"Well, if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would." -Rachel and Monica, after Rachel compares herself to Ted Kopel.

"Well, let's just say I found something out about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it." -Rachel not gossiping.

"Oooh, you nailed the old lady!" -Phoebe, to Joey, while he's practicing the chords.

"Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants!" -Chandler, not being able to make fun of Ross's pants.

"I thought to myself, 'wow, I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before'." -Ross, on why he decided to buy leather pants.

"No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid!" -Joey, to Phoebe, about her guitar teaching abilities.

"They're still--they're still not coming on man, and the lotion and powder have made a paste!" -Ross, having taken Joey's advice.

"Well, I'm just--if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants, and she won't know the difference." -Joey, trying to help Ross with his pants.

"This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!" -Ross, after his awful date.

"Phoebe, you know weird stuff, what's the boiling point of brain?" -Chandler, not being able to make fun of Ross's pants.

"All right, how about I go over there, and I walk into Chandler's bedroom, and I will see that thing that I think that I know, is actually the thing that I think I know!" -Rachel, to Joey, trying to figure out who knows what.

"Phoebe? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?" -Chandler, losing the bet.