TOW: Phoebe Hates PBS

Phoebe and Joey: Joey comes over to Monica and Rachel's wearing a tuxedo. He's co-hosting a PBS telethon. He's sort of excited, but mostly he's glad for the opportunity to be on TV. Phoebe tells everyone that she hates PBS. After her mother killed herself, Phoebe wrote Sesame Street, but never got a written reply back; they just sent her a key chain, but by then she didn't have a house. Joey defends himself, saying he's just doing a good deed. Phoebe disagrees; she thinks he just wants the chance to be on TV. Joey argues that there are no unselfish good deeds. Phoebe attempts to think of one, but can't. She makes finding a selfless good deed her new goal. Joey mentions that Santa Claus isn't real, which apparently Phoebe didn't know. At the telethon, Joey's shown to his phone. He doesn't understand, Estelle told him he'd be hosting. The lady who shows Joey to his seat tells him he's definitely not the host, but taking pledges. Phoebe tells Monica and Rachel about her failures at finding a selfless good deed. She snuck over to her neighbors, and raked his leaves, but he caught her, giving her cookies as a thanks. Rachel suggests that maybe there's no such think as an unselfish good deed. Phoebe rejects that; she can't imagine a world like that. Joey's taking calls, but is incredibly bored. Phoebe calls from Central Perk, to tell Joey she's come up with a good deed: she let a bee sting her, so he'd look good in front of his bee friends. Joey points out that the bee probably died once it stung her. After they hang up, Joey decides he wants to be on camera more. He asks a guy, who's in the shot, if they can switch seats. The guy refuses. He and Joey end up getting in a fight. Phoebe calls the telethon again, this time to make a $200 donation. Joey reminds Phoebe that she hates PBS, but she doesn't care. She's decided that Sesame Street is good for kids whose mom's didn't kill themselves. Joey then asks if she feels good about her donation. She does not, she was going to use the money to buy a hamster. They hang up, and the host announces that the $200 donation set the telethon over the mark. He goes over to congratulate Joey for taking the donation, which makes Phoebe feel good about her donation. Selfless good deed fail.

Monica and Chandler: Rachel comes home, looking for Monica. She knocks on Monica's door, and Monica answers in a sexy, come-hither voice. Rachel's a little creeped, but goes in. Monica's on the bed in a position provocative enough to have Rachel come running back out of the room. Monica tells Rachel that she's got a secret boyfriend, a guy she works with, and she thought it was him. Rachel gathers up her stuff, planning on giving Monica some privacy, when there's a knock at the door. Monica gets all anxious, thinking it's Chandler, but it's only Joey and Ross. Finally, Chandler does come in, holding a bottle of champagne. When he sees that everyone's over, he pretends he brought it to celebrate something at work. Rachel, Chandler, and Monica hang out in Central Perk. Rachel asks Chandler if he's heard about Monica's secret boyfriend. Rachel encourages Monica to introduce the secret boyfriend, but Monica insists that he's shy and not ready to meet everyone. Rachel mentions that Monica said the secret boyfriend was the best sex she ever had. Chandler's quite gleeful. Later on, he comes into Monica and Rachel's with a 'cooking question': is the new secret boyfriend better than Richard in bed? Rachel scolds Chandler for asking, but really wants to know. Monica decides to protect the secret boyfriend's privacy by not answering. Chandler tells her that he'd like to know, if he was the secret boyfriend. He does a dance on the coffee table to show how knowing he was the best Monica ever had would make him feel. Chandler goes over to his apartment, and Monica follows him to ask about a broiling pan Joey borrowed. Chandler tells her the pan's ruined, because the duck threw caterpillars up in it. She tells him where to order another one from. Chandler asks if she wants to hook up, because Joey's still gone at the telethon. She tells him she's not in the mood, because of all the gloating he's doing. Chandler looks at the catalog for the broiling pan, learning that it's seriously expensive. Chandler finally catches Monica alone to apologize about how he's been acting. He explains that if he's the best she ever had, it's only because she made him that way. This makes Monica feel pretty good. Chandler continues, saying that he was nothing before her. Monica forgives him, and they decide to go over to Chandler's place. Chandler carries her to his apartment. At the end of the episode, they sneak back into Central Perk, half dressed, from a side door.

Ross and Rachel: Ross's still trying to get in touch with Emily. He and Joey are kicked out of a movie, because Ross is talking on his cell phone so loudly. He's decided to call every single one of Emily's relatives in order to get in touch with her. Emily ends up calling Ross, but only to ask him to stop harassing her relatives. Ross refuses to do that; he's going to call as many people as it takes, because he loves her and misses her. Emily relents, saying she misses him, too. Ross comes into Central Perk after the conversation, telling everyone that Emily asked him to move to London to make their marriage work. He really can't do that, though, because of Ben. He decides to ask Carol to move to London. He goes to talk to Carol, and it doesn't go well. Carol's not interested in moving to London; she, Susan, and Ben have their lives in New York City. Ben and Susan come home, and Ross tells Ben they're moving to London, sending him to go pack. Carol and Susan tell Ross it's not happening. The next time Ross's on the phone with Emily, he tells her he can't move to London, but he really wants her to move to New York, like they'd planned. She agrees, but on one condition: he can no longer hang out with Rachel. Ross runs over to Monica and Rachel's to discuss the problem. He doesn't know how to pick between his marriage to Emily and his friendship with Rachel. The others don't know what to tell him either. Eventually, Ross relies on the power of the Magic 8 Ball to make his decision. The first two times he asks the Ball, it tells him to 'try again later.' He decides it's broken, but Monica asks it if Chandler's going to have sex that night, and it says 'don't count on it.' Ross grabs the Ball, asking it again, when Rachel walks in. She's excited to see the Magic 8 Ball, wondering what they asked it. Ross thinks on the fly, saying they asked if Rachel got to pick the movie they'd go see that night. The answer is 'yes.' Rachel's super excited, she wants to see How Stella Got her Groove Back. The others are not happy, since they know what question Ross really asked. Ross's at home, taking apart the Magic 8 Ball, when Rachel comes by. She thinks they're going to the movies, but Ross asks for a rain check, since Emily's going to call. Rachel wants to talk about how things are going with their relationship. Ross tells her it's okay, they still have a lot of stuff to work out. Rachel offers to talk about it, but Ross declines. Rachel tells him to agree to whatever Emily wants. Emily calls, Ross answers, and tells her he'll do what she asked. Emily agrees to come to New York.

• I don't really know how they answer fan mail anywhere, let alone at PBS, but you'd think someone would take the time to answer the letter of a girl whose mom just killed herself. Though, if I were Phoebe, I'd hate Sesame Street and not all of PBS. It's not like the Public Broadcasting System did it on purpose.

• I think there can definitely be unselfish good deeds. What about you guys?

• Ross calling all of Emily's relatives is pretty hilarious. I'm not sure that irritating the crap out of all of them is the best way to get her back, but that's just me.

• When Emily calls, Ross hands Chandler a lamp. I don't know.

• I don't get why Monica's so upset about Chandler's gloating. The dancing is a bit much, but still.

• Emily says they can only be together, if Ross moves to London. If that's, like, her big thing, then why the freak does she give it up so easily? I feel like there should be more of a fight, or something.

• I love Chandler freaking out about the chick and duck watching Emeril. Beautiful.

• I know it doesn't matter, but I'd still like to know. Why was the duck throwing up caterpillars? ... He doesn't go outside.

• It's cute that Phoebe lets a bee sting her, so it'll look cool in front of its bee friends.

• Like letting Monica make all your relationship decisions for you, having the Magic 8 Ball do it is a BAD IDEA.

• I don't think Phoebe's donation becomes selfish when Joey gets recognition and screen time for taking the donation. She doesn't give the money so Joey can benefit.

• I can't believe that Ross listens to Rachel about what to do with Emily. He has to know that her solution wouldn't be the same if she actually knew what the problem was. Stupid.

• Part of me totally gets why Emily doesn't want him seeing Rachel anymore, but the other part of me finds it unbelievably selfish. It's punishing Rachel for something that's not her fault. It's also unfair for Emily to force Ross to stop hanging out with one of his best friends. I get that she's threatened, but she can't control Ross's entire life.

The Magna Doodle Says
Evil Joe

Oh. My. God.

"I was taking a nap."

"Since when do you take naps in that position?!" -Monica and Rachel, after Rachel walks in on Monica in a provocative position.

"That cute waiter guy from your restaurant? The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?" -Rachel, to Monica, about the identity of the secret boyfriend.

"I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!" -Ross, on why he and Joey were kicked out of the movie.

"I--I--I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit!" -Ross, to one of Emily's relatives.

"I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!' -Chandler, finding everyone over, when he's planning on a date with Monica.

"Okay, cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know, personally." -Phoebe, when she's explaining about the PBS hate.

"Are you calling me selfish?!"

"Are you calling you people?" -Phoebe and Joey, during their selfless good deed conversation.

"Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife." -Monica, to Ross, about the chances of Carol moving to London.

"If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?" -Chandler, to Monica.

"Alright. I'll come to New York, and we'll try and make this work... As long as you don't see Rachel anymore." -Emily, to Ross, when she makes her decision to come to NYC.

"Thanks for the help, problem solved." -Ross, when no one can find a solution to his problem.

"How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!" -Chandler, to the chick and duck, when he catches them watching Emeril.

"Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars." -Chandler, to Monica, explaining what happened to her broiling pan.

"The bee is happy and I am definitely not." -Phoebe, to Joey, after she lets the bee sting her.

"A Magic 8 Ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy!" -Monica, to Ross. I agree.

"If I'm the best, it's only because you made me the best." -Chandler, to Monica, about his gloating.

"But when I'm with you, and we're together... oh. my. god." -Chandler, to Monica.

"When is Joey going to be home?"

"Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him." -Monica and Chandler, deciding to have sex.

"Never done that before." -Monica, to Chandler, after they sneak back into Central Perk.