TOW: the Flashback

The Set up: The gang's in Central Perk with Janice. Janice asks how many of them have hooked up. They answer none of them (except, y'know, Ross and Rachel). Janice then asks if any of them have gotten close to hooking up.

Three years earlier:
Monica: keeps noticing Phoebe acting really weird about her stuff. She's incredibly, incredibly controlling about the cleanliness of her apartment. She sees Joey as he leaves after viewing Chandler's apartment. They check each other out. Monica and Chandler go to the bar and Monica asks him about the roommate situation; she wants his roommate to be Joey because she thinks Joey's cute. They're getting ready to play pool and she goes to the restroom (it's not specified, so just guessing). When she comes back she notices Rachel, who's in the city with her dumb rich friends. Monica and Rachel catch up and say they'll get together sometime. Monica doubts she'll ever see Rachel again. Monica runs into Joey again when he's moving in. She thanks Chandler for choosing Joey to be his roommate. She catches Joey when he picks up a box that's too heavy. She mentions it being hot out and offers him some lemonade. She prepares the lemonade and tells Joey about how she got her apartment. When she turns around, Joey is naked. She freaks out and Joey explains himself. Monica vacuums and finally notices that Phoebe's moved all of her stuff out. She asks Phoebe about it and learns that Phoebe couldn't stand living with her because she's so obsessive about cleanliness. Chandler comes in for beer and Monica's just gotten out of the bath. She's upset because Phoebe leaving and afraid no guy is going to want to be with her. Chandler comforts her. She, Chandler, and Joey go to the bar and run into Phoebe and Ross.

Ross: has kind of been having some problems with Carol. He tells Chandler that things have gotten better since Carol met a new girl friend, Susan, at the gym. Later on in the week (I'm assuming) Ross is at Monica's with Phoebe, talking to Carol on the phone. Carol's worried Ross will be upset if she has a girl's night with Susan. Ross assures her that it's okay; he just wants her to have fun. He knows about Phoebe's moving out of Monica's and encourages Phoebe to tell Monica. At the end of the episode, Ross goes into the bar and sees Phoebe. The bar is closed, they are the only two people there. Ross tells Phoebe that his marriage is over because Carol is a lesbian. He's really upset and Phoebe comforts him. Ross wonders about what he could've done wrong to cause their marriage to fail. Phoebe tells him how great he is and keeps kissing him on the cheek. They end up making out. Ross lays her down on the pool table, pushing the balls out of the way. He keeps hitting his head on one of the lights and the balls keep getting in the way. They give up on hooking up. Joey, Chandler, and Monica come in and Ross and Phoebe jump apart. Ross tells the others about Carol.

Chandler: is searching for a new roommate, but he's not excited about any of his prospects. He interviews a photographer, Eric. Eric is a fashion photographer, warns Chandler there might be models around a lot, and lets him know that his sister, who's also a porn star, has a beach house (which Chandler can use). Chandler thinks Eric is the perfect roommate, but he goes ahead and interviews Joey. He shows Joey the apartment as fast as possible and tries to get rid of him, but Joey insists that Chandler actually interview him. Chandler tells Monica he's going with Eric. He and Monica go to the bar and prepare to play pool. Monica goes to the restroom and Chandler's waiting when he notices Rachel and her friends. He overhears Rachel talking about wanting a fling with the next guy she sees. Chandler throws a ball on the floor at her feet to be that guy. Rachel dismisses him. Eric tries to move in, but is stopped by Mr. Heckles who says he is Chandler's new roommate. Chandler thinks Eric just didn't show up. He asks Joey to move in with him. Chandler notices Joey watching Baywatch. Chandler thinks it looks pretty silly until he sees the girls. He goes to Monica's later in the evening for beer and comforts her while she's upset. He goes to the bar with Joey and Monica.

Joey: interviews to be Chandler's roommate. He checks out Monica as he's leaving. He also checks her out as he's moving in. He grabs a big box, not expecting it to be too heavy and nearly falls. Monica holds him up. He picked the box up too fast and got a head rush. Monica suggests it was because of the heat and offers him lemonade. Joey assumes she's offering sex and as she prepares the drink, he undresses. When Monica freaks out, he explains that he really thought she was offering sex because that happens to him a lot. He introduces Chandler to Baywatch. He has beer in a cooler so they don't have to go to the fridge.

Rachel: is in the city with two of her friends to celebrate her engagement to Barry. She's getting married in a year. She shows off her ring, but isn't too sure about the marriage. She tells her friends she wants to have a fling. They laugh it off, but she's serious. Chandler wants to be the guy she has a fling with, but she doesn't pay much attention to him. A waitress brings she and her friends drinks and they're wrong. Rachel complains. Monica sees her and calls her name. Rachel automatically shows of her ring. She runs up to hug Monica and they catch up, but it's awkward. She suggests they get together the next time she's in the city. She goes back into the bar after it's closed. Chandler is there. She tells him she wants him and starts kissing him. It's a fantasy. Her friends tell her she's missed their exit on the interstate.

Phoebe: secretly moves out of the apartment she shares with Monica. She doesn't want to hurt Monica by telling her she wasn't able to live with her. She secretly moves stuff out each time she visits. Monica has no idea she doesn't live there anymore. Ross attempts to convince her to tell Monica the truth, but Phoebe won't. Finally, Monica notices that Phoebe's room is nearly empty. Phoebe tells her that they wouldn't have been able to stay friends and live together. Phoebe couldn't take Monica's obsessive cleanliness. She's in the bar, drinking a beer when Ross comes in upset. They talk about Carol's lesbianism and friendly comfort turns into something else. They start making out, but don't follow through. Chandler, Joey, and Monica come in and the moment passes.

• Cute Naked Guy appears to be gaining some weight.

• Aw, look at Chandler and his goatee!!

Matthew Perry with facial hair just does not do it for me.

• The episode where everyone discusses "the quality" that makes Chandler seem gay, TOW: Nana Dies Twice, all the guys say they didn't think he was gay. Except in this episode, Joey does think he's gay.
  

• Ugh!! I hate Rachel's friends. Hate them.
  

What is with that chicks hair? It's so big, like a giant orange plant is sprouting from her skull.

• Mr. Heckles comes buy to complain about the noise.
  

• We learn how Monica got her apartment. Her grandma (I'm assuming not the one that died twice) moved to Florida and Monica got the apartment. She pretends to live with her grandma so the landlord won't find out and kick her out.
  

• I kinda love that Joey gets hit on enough to take an offer for lemonade as a come-on.

• The play a lot of pool in this episode, and every time I start writing 'pull.'
  

• Rachel pulls a Fonz!! During her fantasy she comes back in the bar and hits the jukebox to get it to start playing. It's pretty awesome.

• Central Perk used to be a bar.
  

• Monica's place looks so different!

There are tons, tons, of plants. And a lot of floral patterned stuff. I guess maybe it's all Phoebe's? I don't know. I don't like it, though. The couch is also in a different place. Oh, and the kitchen table is different.

Oh. My. God.

"Who of the six of you has slept with the six of you?"
"Wow, it's like a dirty math problem." -Janice and Phoebe.

"Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together." -Joey, answering Janice's question with a fantasy.

"Oh-ho and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. Nice to meet you Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing!" -Chandler, about a guy he considered for a roommate.

"I answered the phone 'Chandler Bing,' he said 'Whoa-ho, short message'." - Chandler, commenting on Joey's phone mannerisms.

"Ross, foot on the floor or come over no more!" -Monica, scolding Ross for using the coffee table as a footrest.

"Oh, and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the gay thing."
"What gay thing?" -Joey and Chandler, during Joey's roommate interview.

"Oh yes, and that's what I want, a roommate that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one." -Chandler, to Monica about why he's not living with Joey.

"I mean, how hard is it to get a couple drinks right, huh?" -Rachel, criticizing the waitress at the bar.

"Excuse me, I seemed to have dropped my ball." -Chandler, wanting to get Rachel's attention so he can be her fling.

"Ten bucks says, I never see that woman again in my life." -Monica, after seeing Rachel in the bar.

"So, what are they doing?"
"I don't know, something girlie." -Phoebe and Ross, discussing what Carol and Susan have planned.

"Okay, here's your penis!" -Monica, giving Joey lemonade and not realizing he'd undressed.

"Okay, this is what I'm talking about, this. I--I need to live in a land where people can spill!" -Phoebe, on why she can't live with Monica.

"What? I'm just sad."
"No you're not, you're wondering which cushion it is." -Monica and Phoebe, after Monica learns Phoebe spilled spaghetti on the couch.

"Wow! Look at them run!" -Chandler, watching Baywatch for the first time.

"Cause Carol's a lesbian. And--and I'm not one. And apparently it's not a mix and match situation." -Ross, telling Phoebe about Carol.

"Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?"
"Well, now I do!" -Phoebe and Ross, about Carol and Susan.

"No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is it a hundred percent cotton?" -Chandler, hugging Monica and liking her towel.

"Stupid balls are in the way." -Ross, making out with Phoebe on the pool table.

"Oh, Ross, you're right, I don't know why I always thought this was real grass!" -Phoebe, about the pool table when Chandler, Joey, and Monica walk in.

"Hey, are you okay?"
"My wife's a lesbian."
"Cool!!" -Monica, Ross, and Joey.

TOW: Frank Jr.

Phoebe: waits outside Central Perk for Frank Jr. Frank shows up and Phoebe brings him inside to introduce him to her friends. Frank's excited about his first time in the city and wants to go to Times Square, buy ninja stars, and take a picture of a hooker. Phoebe and Frank Jr. hang out at her apartment. They don't have much to talk about. Phoebe wants to see if both she and Frank can roll their tongues; Frank can, but Phoebe can't. Frank shows Phoebe his favorite hobby, melting stuff. Phoebe goes to bed, leaving Frank Jr. with the fire extinguisher, which he promptly tries to melt. Frank does his own version of karate out on Monica and Rachel's balcony while Phoebe talks to Monica. Phoebe's upset that the weekend isn't going like she expected; she wanted to be closer to Frank Jr, like Ross and Monica are close. Phoebe and Frank Jr. are watching tv at her apartment when she gets a phone call. She has a client at work and she has to go in. She tells Frank she's a masseuse, but Frank thinks she means she's a hooker. She invites him to go along and he eagerly agrees. At the massage place, Phoebe is getting ready for her client when one of her co-workers brings Frank Jr. in. Frank felt her up and she's furious. The confusion is explained, but Phoebe's hurt that Frank thought she was a hooker. Frank tells Phoebe he did have fun over the weekend and he's sorry he ruined it. He really feels a connection with Phoebe and apologizes for ruining the weekend.

Chandler and Joey: Chandler comes home and finds the apartment full of wood and tools. Joey says he's building an entertainment unit and that it won't take longer than a day. Chandler goes into his bedroom, but only the top half of the door opens. He trips over the bottom half. Later, Joey works on the unit, while Chandler is sleeping in his room. Joey drills through the wall, nearly hitting Chandler. Chandler yells at him and says he never wanted the unit. Joey goes to Monica and Rachel's for a beer. While there, he tells Monica she can get new bathroom tile on sale. He shows Monica how dingy her floor is and how easy it is to take the old tile off. Since Joey ruined her floor, Monica says he has to lay new tile. Joey's worried that Chandler'll be upset that he isn't finishing the unit, but he has no choice but to fix Monica's floor. Chandler comes in later looking for Joey because a varnish lid is stuck to the seat of his pants. He finds Joey working on Monica's bathroom floor. Chandler and Monica argue over who Joey's supposed to be working for. Joey finishes Monica's floor and has to finish the unit. Chandler gets Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe to help set up the unit for the first time. It's so big it blocks half of both Chandler and Joey's bedroom doors. Chandler tries to push it so it blocks all of Joey's door; it doesn't budge and it's still wet. Chandler bets Joey that he can't fit in the space for the tv. Joey gets in, Chandler shuts the door and sticks a board threw the handles, locking Joey in.

Ross and Rachel: At Central Perk, Chandler starts a discussion about he and Janice's freebie list, the list of five celebrities they are allowed to sleep with without the other getting angry. Rachel decides she and Ross should have a freebie list. Rachel makes one really easily, but Ross puts a lot of thought into his. The next time they're all at Central Perk, Ross says he's come up with three out of his five. One of the three is Isabella Rossellini, but Chandler tells Ross she's too international and he has less of a chance of meeting her. Ross produces the final list at Monica and Rachel's, it's printed out and laminated. Per Chandler's advice, Isabella Rossellini has been removed. Ross goes up to the counter in Central Perk for a pastry, he sees Isabella Rossellini waiting for a coffee. Ross is upset he took her off the list because he'd hit on her. Monica and Rachel make fun of him, saying he wouldn't hit on her anyway. Ross decides to do it. He talks to Isabella, offering to buy her coffee. She dismisses him, but Ross stops her, saying that she's on his list. Isabella wants to see it and snatches it from Ross's hand. She's not on the list and when Ross says it's not finalized, she points out that it's laminated. Ross explains he bumped her because of her international status. She says she bumped him for another goofy coffee house guy and leaves.

Monica: is unaware about the dingy status of her bathroom tile. When Joey suggests she get new tile she doesn't understand why, until he shows her the pristine spot under the clothes hamper. She still doesn't want to do it, afraid it will be a big project. Joey pries up a chunk of tile to show her how easy it is, but the tile has been glued down. Joey is horrified and tells her to forget it, only now she's got a big spot of floor with tile missing. She orders him to fix it. She and Chandler get in a fight over Joey's labor, but Joey does finish her floor first. After it's finished, she won't let anyone go in the bathroom. She talks to Phoebe about her relationship with Frank Jr. She tells Phoebe that she and Ross didn't like each other at all while they were growing up. Monica says a relationship like she and Ross have takes time to build. She and Rachel kind of tease Ross into hitting on Isabella Rossellini.

• The Frank Jr. stuff I could take or leave, but uh, the entertainment unit and the list are AMAZING. I like the entertainment unit so much, in fact, that it is my profile picture. For inquiring minds, the text says "No you didn't 'get me'! You 'get me,' you kill me!" I love.

• Oh, construction shenanigans, how I love thee...

I can't stop thinking how random this would be. Go home after a (sorta) hard day at work, open your bedroom door and flop, right on your face.

• I'm pretty sure, Monica being the obsessive compulsive cleaner that she is, she'd have known about the gross state of her bathroom floor. She seems like the type of person who'd move everything out of the bathroom to mop it.

• Okay, so the lists. Chandler- Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and Jessica Rabbit. Rachel - Chris O'Donnell, John F. Kennedy Jr, Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson. Ross- The first three are Elizabeth Hurley, Susan Sarandon, and Isabella Rossellini. The final list is Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurley, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hamill.

• My friends and I all made lists, but it's not, like, a fixed thing. My list changes all the time. Joaquin Phoenix was on it for years, until his recent strange period. Now my list consists of Alexander Skarsgard, Rob Pattinson, Tom Felton, James McAvoy, and Grant Wilson (from Ghost Hunters--shut up).
  

• Joey wears really tight pants while making the entertainment unit.

• Frank Jr is an idiot, but I get really embarrassed for him.
  

• ISABELLA ROSSELLINI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't lie, I've never seen her in anything but Friends. I get so excited because she's the daughter of director Roberto Rossellini and Ingrid Bergman. Ingrid effing Bergman!
  

Yeah, I'm watching Casablanca later.

• Best. Moment. Ever.
  

Oh. My. God.

"So what happened? A forest tick you off?" -Chandler, walking into his apartment and seeing all the lumber.

"You're building a post office?" -Chandler, after Joey says he's building something for the mail.

"Power saw kinda got away from me there." -Joey, explaining why Chandler's door is cut in half.

"Spiderman?"
"Hardy Boy."
"Peter Parker." -Ross, Rachel, and Chandler, about who Parker Stevenson is.

"Y' know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city." -Chandler, after Frank Jr. says he wants to buy ninja stars and take a picture of a hooker.

"Hey! Where ya headin' in those pants? 1982?" -Monica, seeing Joey's tight pants.

"Oooh-hooo, very attractive. Forgiving." -Chandler, when Ross says Elizabeth Hurley is on his list.

"Yeah, cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rossellini, geography." -Rachel, during the Isabella Rossellini is too international conversation.

"Y'know what, it's my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish." -Chandler, having sat on the lid for a can of varnish.

"Build the unit Cenderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly." -Phoebe, when Chandler and Monica fight over Joey.

"Whoa! Big octopus!" -Frank Jr., watching tv.

"No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself. I mean, that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it." -Phoebe, taking Frank Jr. to work with her.

"Whoa! What're you going in there for?"
"What, you want like a number?" -Monica and Chandler, when Chandler tries to go to the bathroom after the floor is finished.

"Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice." -Rachel, to Dorothy Hamill being on Ross's list.

"Yeah--yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!" -Chandler, when the unit is up.

"Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rossellini. I'm just sorry we don't have popcorn." -Rachel, watching Ross and Isabella.

"I mean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity."
"Yeah, for you." -Ross and Isabella, discussing he place on his list.

"I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there." -Isabella, after seeing she isn't on Ross's list.

TOW: the Metaphorical Tunnel

Chandler: is at Central Perk with Janice and the rest of the gang. They're very cute together, kissing and what not. They stop when Joey comes in, angry at Chandler for not giving him a message about an audition. The message issue is resolved and Phoebe writes audition information on the back of Chandler's neck. Chandler comes into Monica and Rachel's with a ringing phone. He wants Joey to answer it because it's Janice and he doesn't want to have to see her. He's getting freaked out because at dinner she shared her food with him and gave him some of hers--something a couple would do. Joey, Rachel, and Monica convince him to make the commitment, go through the tunnel, if you will, and stop being afraid. Chandler decides to do it and invites Janice to his apartment for dinner. While there, he gives her a present. It's contact paper to go in her designated drawer in his dresser. She's flattered, but Chandler takes it too far, suggesting they take a trip and he meet her parents. Janice gets freaked out when Chandler says he wouldn't be upset if they were moving in together. Janice leaves and Chandler chases her down the street. Monica and Rachel comfort him, giving him ice cream (soy) and tell him to do damage control. He needs to run into Janice and act aloof. Chandler runs into Janice at a grocery store, but she knows he's doing it on purpose. Chandler freaks out. Back at his apartment, he tells Monica and Rachel what happened. They give him the good ice cream, but before he can eat it the phone rings. It's Janice. Chandler explains his behavior and things are okay between them.

Monica and Rachel: help Chandler with his Janice/commitment issues. They know what it's like for guys to get freaked out about serious relationships. When Chandler decides to make the commitment, they help him know what to do. When Chandler suggests he and Janice should live together, Monica and Rachel comfort him. They give him ice cream, the soy low-fat kind, and talk to him about Janice. They tell Chandler he probably didn't ruin things with her, but that he needs to do damage control. They tell him he needs to accidentally, on-purpose run into Janice and act aloof. Chandler comes to them after he messes up the aloofness and they give him the real ice cream, because they think it's over. Monica and Rachel know that if they ever acted the way Chandler did with a guy, they'd never hear from the guy again. They're baffled when Janice calls. They eat Chandler's ice cream. Both of them think Ross is ridiculous about Ben and the Barbie. Monica tells Carol and Susan about Ross dressing as a woman when he was little.

Phoebe and Joey: The gang watches Joey in a series of infomercials. Joey comes into Central Perk angry because he missed an audition. He didn't know anything about it because he never got Estelle's message. He thinks Chandler forgot to give it to him, but it was Phoebe. She wrote the information on her hand, but forgot to tell Joey. Joey can't get another audition time and Phoebe feels bad. Phoebe calls the casting agent and pretends to be Joey's agent. She gets Joey another audition. They're in Central Perk again and Phoebe's pager goes off. It's the casting agent, calling to say Joey got the part. Joey thinks Phoebe is the best agent he's ever had and he wants her to try to get him more roles. Phoebe agrees, but is worried that it won't be fun anymore. Phoebe walks into Monica and Rachel's, but leaves upon seeing Joey. Joey follows her into the hall and learns that Phoebe's avoiding him because he didn't get a role. Phoebe wants to quit being his agent, but Joey says she can't because he likes that she's honest. Joey thinks that Phoebe's honesty will help him improve his acting. In Central Perk, they go over notes Phoebe got from auditions to roles Joey didn't get. They're really mean and Joey says he's going back to Estelle. Then he asks if Phoebe made up all the bad feedback. Phoebe says yes.

Ross: gets Ben from Carol and Susan. Ben has a Barbie doll, which he loves. Ross wants to know why he has it and Carol and Susan want to know what's wrong with Ben having a Barbie. Ross says it's okay, but then tries to get the Barbie doll away once Carol and Susan leave. He tempts Ben with all kinds of other toys, but Ben sticks with his Barbie. Ross finally brings out the big guns, G.I. Joe. Ben doesn't seem too interested in Joe, but when Carol and Susan pick him up, he's abandoned Barbie. Ross is kind of a jerk about the whole thing and Monica calls him on it. She reminds him that he used to dress up as a woman, make everyone call him Bea, and sing a song about it.

• Joey's in infomercials for the 'milk master 2000' and something else that involves him wearing an epic fake mustache.
  

• Phoebe forgets to give the message to Joey because she and Chandler were playing hide-and-seek. That's kinda awesome.
  

• Ugly Naked Guy gets his dog a sweater. I didn't even know he had a dog.
  

• Ben and his Barbie

The angle of this picture makes Ross look like one of those body builders whose body's so big it makes their head look tiny.

• Chandler repeatedly hits Monica in her fake boobs.
  

Well, when they're that big...Wouldn't those be, like, an occupational hazard?

• Ross has more fun with the G.I. Joe than Ben does

Gah, Ross, it's not a big deal that Ben plays with a Barbie. Get over yourself.

• I feel bad for Joey and all the bad feedback he gets. It's sweet of Phoebe to say she made the negative feedback up because she knows it upsets Joey.
  

• Meet Bea:

I love the Bea video. And Monica cleaning up after him.

• I like this episode, but it's nothing special. I get kinda bored with Joey and Phoebe's storyline after awhile.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Aw! There's got to be a better way!" -Joey, on the infomercial.

"Noo way, Kevin." -Rachel, when Joey wants to turn the infomercial off.

"Are you intrigued?"
"You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!" -Ross and Chandler, mocking the infomercial.

"See, now this is why I keep notepads everywhere."
"Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play." -Monica and Phoebe, on why Joey missed his audition and why Monica doesn't get to play hide-and-go-seek.

"Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad!"
"Oh, now you want a pad." -Chandler and Monica, when Phoebe uses the back of Chandler's neck as a notepad.

"He carries it everywhere. It's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret." -Susan, about Ben's Barbie.

"I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?" -Monica, getting dressed for the diner.

"You didn't want to share your tomatoes--tomatoes are very important to you?" -Ross, when Chandler freaks out about his dinner with Janice.

"If you're afraid of bugs...get a bug!" -Joey, on how to get over phobia's.

"Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!"
"Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way." -Joey and Chandler, after Chandler decides to commit to Janice.

"Well, I gotta buy a vowel because, oh my Gawd!" -Janice, when Chandler gives her the drawer.

"I've scared ya! I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!" -Chandler, after freaking Janice out.

"So, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act aloof." -Rachel, on how Chandler can get Janice back.

"G.I. Joe! Cool! Can I play!" -Joey, seeing Ross with a G.I. Joe.

"Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!" -Ross, talking about G.I. Joe.

"Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh." -Phoebe, after Joey doesn't get a part."

"Are you being British?!" -Janice, running into Chandler at the grocery store.

"They said you 'weren't believable as a human being.' So, you can work on that." -Phoebe, explaining to Joey why he didn't get a role in a commercial.

"And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store." -Chandler, telling Monica and Rachel what happened with Janice.

"My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof.' -Monica, to Chandler after he acts stupid with Janice.

"Stop naming dwarves!!!" -Chandler, at Monica and Rachel's advice when Janice calls.

"What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbie, big deal. You used to dress up as a woman." -Monica, when Ross is a jerk about Ben picking G.I. Joe.

"I've literally never been this happy." -Susan, learning about Ross dressing as a woman.

TOW: the Jam

Joey: dislocates his shoulder jumping on the bed. He's really excited about Monica's jam plan because he loves jam. He ruins an entire vat of jam because he tastes it when it's too hot and spits the bite back into the pot. Monica gives Joey a jar of jam and he takes it to Central Perk where he smothers it on a scone (I think). He keeps spitting on Phoebe when she talks to him about the stalker. Monica brings him the last jar of jam. Joey's sad she's not going through with her jam plan. Joey is one of the sperm donors Monica has information for. He donated sperm after he did the study for NYU. Joey's surprised that the sperm bank still has any of his donation left and he wants to help it get picked more. He's at Monica and Rachel's before Monica goes to the sperm bank. Joey tells her all about the life he saw her having and Monica changes her mind. Joey goes to the sperm bank and learns nobody wants his sperm and he doesn't understand why.

Monica: decides to make jam to help herself get over Richard. Things go well for awhile, but she realizes the jam endeavor won't be profitable. She gives Joey the last jar and tells the gang her new plan. She's going to have a baby. She's wants to go to a sperm bank and doesn't listen to anyone telling her it's a bad idea. Monica gets the information on various sperm donors to pick her choice. While going through the options, she realizes that one is Joey. She finally picks a donor and prepares to go to the sperm bank. She and Joey talk before she leaves and Joey describes to her the man and life he always expected Monica to have. Monica really likes and wants the stuff Joey describes. She decides not to go to the sperm bank.

Chandler: finds Joey after he falls off the bed. He asks Rachel and Ross for advice after an incident with Janice. She asked if she looked fat and even though Chandler said 'no', he still got in trouble. Rachel and Ross tell him what he did wrong and give him more relationship advice. Chandler tells them about his trouble sleeping when Janice wants to cuddle. Rachel says she and Ross cuddle when they sleep and that they can't help him. When Rachel leaves, Ross tells Chandler about the 'hug and roll.' The next time Chandler and Janice go to bed, Chandler tries the hug and roll and ends up rolling Janice off the bed. Janice tells Rachel about the hug and roll. Chandler gets in trouble with Ross for Rachel finding out about the hug and roll.

Ross and Rachel: give Chandler advice about Janice. They tell him what he did wrong in the fat conversation was looking at Janice before he answered. They give him other pointers about how to answer questions like that. Rachel tells Chandler that she and Ross always cuddle when they sleep. She leaves to go to work and Ross quickly tells Chandler that they do not cuddle. Ross demonstrates the hug and roll for Chandler. Rachel learns about the hug and roll when Janice comes into Central Perk with a bandage on her wrist and hand. Rachel's furious with Ross and refuses to speak to him. Ross is mad at Chandler and scolds him for Rachel finding out.

Phoebe: notices a guy following her (David Arquette). She stops and talks to him and learns that he's actually meaning to stalk Ursula. She tells him he needs to get over Ursula and invites him to get coffee with her. She tells the gang about talking to him and that his name is Malcolm and she wants to help him get over Ursula. Everyone thinks it's a bad idea for her to see him, since he's crazy. Phoebe meets Malcolm at Central Perk, where they go through his stalking kit. They kiss. She tells the gang about the kiss and they all think it's a horrible idea. They make Phoebe start to wonder if he's still stalking Ursula. They suggest Phoebe follow Malcolm. Phoebe follows Malcolm around a subway station, but he catches her. He's upset that she doesn't trust him. Ursula walks by and Phoebe breaks up with Malcolm. Even though she doesn't want to date him anymore, she still wants to help him. She offers to let Malcolm stalk her to help get over Ursula. He hangs out on the balcony waiting for her to come back to Monica and Rachel's.

• Joey jumping on the bed and dislocating his shoulder wasn't in the original script. They added it to explain why the character would be in a sling after Matt LeBlanc hurt himself on set.
  

• This episode's alright. I love David Arquette, though. I'm not entirely clear on why, but I think it's because Scream is one of my favorite movies. Also, I think he and Courtney Cox are adorable together.
  

• I love the hug and roll, cuddly sleepers, thing.
  

Not connected in any way with the hug and roll, but Chandler's clothes bother me. I'm opposed to paring khaki's with white shirts.

• Monica wanting to have a baby is really stupid. I mean, wanting to have one isn't, but she's doing it for the wrong reasons. She was on the right track with the jam.
  

• I keep forgetting that Janice had a baby.

I was actually sorta wondering if they decided to forget about Janice's baby. Guess not. But--but what happens to the little guy when she's off with Chandler?

• Joey tells Rachel he doesn't understand why nobody wants his sperm.
  

He looks like this for most of the conversation. Hot.

• Another mention of the hot girl from the copy place. Y'think she might be important later on in the season??
  

Oh. My. God.

"See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed." -Chandler, after Joey falls off the bed.

"Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale."
"I didn't know there were docks." -Monica and Rachel, about how Monica got all the fruit.

"Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?"
"Because the kids need new shoes." -Joey and Chandler, about their lack of jam.

"I needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam." -Monica, on her jam plan.

"So, uh, how do I tell her that without, y'know, accidentally calling her fat or something?"
"Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, cause we're cuddly sleepers." -Chandler and Rachel, about cuddling.

"Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you roll away. Hug for her! Roll for you." -Ross, describing the hug and roll.

"You're pretending the pillow's a girl, right?" -Chandler, after the hug and roll demo.

"Remember when you were a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?"
"You're so pretty." -Joey and Rachel.

"Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked, or--or a big tub of jam?"
"Put your hands together." -Chandler and Joey.

"So, I've got a new plan now. Babies."
"Well, your gonna need much bigger jars." -Monica and Chandler, about her new plan.

"And there--there are places you can go to get that stuff."
"Down at the docks again?" -Monica and Rachel, about where Monica can get sperm.

"Look at all that room on her side. You could fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though." -Chandler, before he tries the hug and roll.

"No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard." -Chandler, when Joey offers him jam.

"Lips moving, still talking." -Monica, snapping at Ross for interrupting her.

"Check it out! Jam crackers!" -Joey, dipping a Graham Cracker in jam.

"Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order." -Chandler, about Malcolm.

"Where you going?"
"To the bank."
"Sperm or regular?" -Joey and Monica.

TOW: No One's Ready

Ross: is giving a speech at a museum party to thank people who donated money to the museum. He comes to Monica and Rachel's to make sure everyone is ready to go. No one is. He tries to get everyone to get ready, but generally they don't listen. He scolds Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel for not being ready, but they all ignore him. He keeps giving everyone updates on how much time they have left, until his watch breaks. He finally reaches his breaking point when Rachel comes out to ask about what shoes go with her outfit and it becomes a big thing. He yells at her and she decides she isn't going. To make up for yelling at her, Ross says he'll do anything just as long as she comes to the museum. Ross almost drinks the glass of fat as a way of showing how much he cares for Rachel, but she stops him before he actually drinks any of the fat. They all leave for the party.

Chandler and Joey: start the fat drinking. Joey comes in and thinks the glass of fat in the fridge is cider. Chandler suggests Joey taste it, which he does. Chandler says he'd already tasted it, thinking it was cider, too. Chandler goes to the bathroom, vacating his chair. Joey takes the chair and then won't get up when Chandler comes back. They fight over the chair. During the fight, Joey's eating humus and throws some on Phoebe's dress. Chandler sits on Joey's lap to get him out of the chair, but that doesn't work. Ross sends Chandler to get ready. When Chandler comes back in, he and Joey run for the chair. Joey has to get ready and takes the chair's cushions with him. Joey finds that Chandler's stolen his underwear in retaliation for the cushions. Joey has to get him back and comes over wearing all of Chandler's clothes. And no underwear. Ross is sick of them fighting and not going to get ready and decides that they aren't allowed to come to the party. After Ross almost drinks the fat for Rachel, everything's okay and Chandler and Joey go to the party. Chandler gets in a fight with another guy at the party who takes his seat.

Phoebe: comes to Monica and Rachel's and is the only other person, besides Ross, who's ready. That is until Joey throws humus on her dress. Phoebe has to find something else to wear. She first goes with Monica. She finds a really cute sundress, which she shows to the group, but she can't wear it to the party. She doesn't find anything in Monica's closet, so she goes to Rachel's. She doesn't find anything in there either, but she does find a giant Christmas bow. She puts the bow over the humus spot on her chest. It doesn't look too great, but Ross isn't going to argue about it because she's finally dressed.

Rachel: gets done with her hair and makeup right after Ross comes into the apartment. She spends the rest of the episode trying to figure out what to wear. She brings various outfits out for the people in the living room to look at, but doesn't decide on any of them. She comes out in a blue dress, asking Phoebe which shoes she should wear. Phoebe suggests something different than what Rachel brought out and makes Rachel reconsider her choice. Ross gets upset and yells at Rachel about what to wear, throwing the shoes. Rachel comes out of her room again in her p.j.'s with a box of stationary. She's decided she isn't going and is going to catch up on her correspondence. Ross finally blows up at Chandler and Joey, saying that he doesn't want them to come because the only person he cared about coming, Rachel, isn't. He says he'll do anything to get Rachel to forgive him, hence the drinking of the fat. He's about ready to drink the fat, but Rachel stops him because she sees he was really going to do it. She gets dressed and she and Ross kiss.

Monica: comes in from shopping. Ross hurries her to get ready, but she checks the messages on the answering machine first. One of the messages is from Richard and Monica doesn't know if it's old or new. She decides she has to call him, even though everyone tells her the message is old. She calls him and leaves a message. She goes out to the living room, half dressed, to tell everyone she left a breezy message on Richard's machine. She decides it might not have been that breezy so she calls Richard's machine to listen to her message. The message isn't too good, but what really freaks her out is that there's a message from another woman on Richard's machine. Everyone tries to convince her the message is from Richard's daughter. Monica can't let it go and calls Richard's daughter. She hangs up when Michelle answers, but Michelle has caller ID and calls back. Michelle and Monica end up talking. It comes out what Monica did, with calling Richard's machine. Michelle scolds her, especially when Monica asks Michelle not to tell Richard what happened. Monica wants to call Michelle back, but Ross forbids her and sends her to get ready. Phoebe and Chandler take the phone from Monica's room. Monica comes out all ready, but decides she needs to delete her old message from Richard's machine and leave a new one. She does that, telling Richard the stupid thing she did, only to realize that the message she recorded was the outgoing. She has no idea how to fix it and has to leave it that way.

• This episode and I are running away together, I love it that much. The fat drinking is disgusting, but hilarious and the chair thing--oh the chair thing!--is just the best thing ever. The only part of this episode I'm not big on is Monica calling Richard.
  

• A quick rundown of what everyone ends up wearing:

I heart bow ties.

Monica's dress is my favorite. I'd totally wear that.

This is a great dress. Funny, through all the worrying about what to wear, she never mentioned it. Huh.

Yay, for all the bow ties! Also, this is after Joey comes in wearing all of Chandler's clothes.

We never see Joey ready. But this is better.

• I can't handle the Monica calling Richard thing. I get so embarrassed for her that it makes this episode hard for me to watch. Kinda beside the point, but I always wonder what Richard's reaction is when he hears his outgoing message.
  

• One of Rachel's sisters calls to ask if Rachel had sex with Donnie Mazio when they were in high school. This is only important because it is yet another person Rachel slept with in high school, even though she told Ross she'd only slept with Barry, Paolo, and Chip.

• Hehe, I love the random mention of A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh. "Get out of my chair, dillhole" does sound like something Rabbit would say.
  

• I find Michelle's "Hola" telephone greeting to be the most pretentious, irritating thing in the world. It's just the way she says it, she sounds so effing superior.
  

• Best. Moment. Ever.

This is one of my absolute all time favorite moment in the series. I mean, generally, the best moment ever denotes something that warms my very soul upon each viewing, but there's something about those stupid cushions that gets me to the very fiber of my being. I adore it. I could watch that clip, like, twelve times a day and it'd still make me giggle.

Oh. My. God.

"Glass of fat?" -Joey, offering said glass to Ross.

"Uh-huh, yeah. Right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey." -Ross, when Joey asks if he's in his speech.

"Oooh, are you gonna do magic?" -Monica, seeing Ross in his tux.

"Look, I don't care. It starts at eight, we can't be late."
"We could not, would not want to wait." -Ross and Phoebe, rhyming.

"You guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?"
"I don't know, you might be the first one." -Rachel and Phoebe, getting ready.

"Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called 'Get up'." -Chandler, to Joey about the chair.

"I'm sooo comfortable."
"Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable." -Chandler and Joey, after Chandler sits on Joey's lap.

"But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's...sitting in a chair!" -Chandler, leaving to get ready.

"Humus. I got the humus." -Phoebe, to Rachel asking what happened to Phoebe's dress.

"What a cool job. 'You have two new messages.' 'Pleas pass the pie'." -Joey, imitating the answering machine recording.

"So in the words of A.A. Milne, 'Get out of my chair, dillhole'!" -Chandler, to Joey.

"The cushions are the essence of the chair!"
"That's right! I'm taking the essence!" -Chandler and Joey, after Joey takes the cushions.

"We used them as pillows when we went camping."
"What?"
"The sheep."
"Hey, what you do on your own time..." -Chandler and Ross, after Rachel asks Chandler for her inflatable sheep back.

"You took his underwear?"
"He took my essence!" -Ross and Chandler, after Chandler takes Joey's underwear.

"Monica, I think you've gone over to the bad place." -Chandler, when Monica calls Michelle.

"Y'know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what's that about?" -Chandler, musing about cartoon character pants.

"Look at me, I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes?" -Joey, wearing all Chandler's clothes.

"Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did something kind of crazy tonight. Um, maybe I'm getting my period or something, I don't know." -Part of the message Monica leaves as Richard's outgoing message.

"I'm going commando, too." -Rachel, before she and Ross leave.

TOW: the Princess Leia Fantasy

Alternate title: JOEY AND JANICE'S DAY OF FUN!!!!

Ross and Rachel: Ross and Rachel are having breakfast at Monica and Rachel's. They discuss what they think is the most romantic song and try to help Monica deal with her breakup with Richard. Monica drops a clump of Richard's drain hair into Ross's cereal. Ross and Rachel are in bed, Ross is working, but Rachel wants attention. She asks if he still has the Navy uniform (no) and if he has any sexual fantasies. At first he says no, but when Rachel says she might do it, he tells her about the Princess Leia in the gold bikini thing. Rachel tells Phoebe and Phoebe teases Ross about it. Ross and Rachel fight about her sharing too much. Rachel says that's what girls do and didn't realize that guys don't share like that. Rachel thinks it's sad that guys don't share. Ross tells Chandler and they decide to share stuff. Chandler shares too much when he admits to unintentionally picturing his mom during sex. Ross is really grossed out. Rachel puts on the costume, but Ross can't enjoy it because he's picturing his mom.

Chandler: gets serious about Janice. She makes pancakes. She and Chandler are really gross together. Joey keeps asking when he's going to break up with Janice, but Chandler says he isn't. Chandler has three tickets to a Rangers game and invites Joey. Joey's excited until he learns Janice is coming. Chandler and Joey fight because Chandler realizes Joey doesn't like Janice. Chandler tells Janice. Chandler asks everyone in Central Perk what they think of Janice, but doesn't get an answer because Monica interrupts. Ross talks to him about sharing and they decide to tell each other things. Chandler tells Ross that when he's with a girl he pictures all these women, but inevitably pictures his mom. He can't stop having sex, but he also can't stop visualizing his mom. Ross banishes him from the couch and says they can know longer share things. He's pleased when Joey and Janice spend time together, even though Joey still doesn't like her.

Joey: doesn't like Janice. He's really, really irritated by her and can't wait for Chandler to break up with her. He's horrified when Janice is there in the morning and has made pancakes; he refuses to eat any. When Chandler says he isn't breaking up with Janice, Joey goes to Monica and Rachel's and asks for advice. Everyone thinks they should accept it because Chandler's serious about her. Joey's excited about going to the hockey game until he learns Janice will be there. He and Chandler discuss Joey's feelings for Janice and Chandler's upset about it. Janice comes by when Joey is home alone and tells him that Chandler told her how Joey felt. She's decided they have to spend the whole day together to get to know one another (JOEY AND JANICE'S DAY OF FUN). Joey goes out with her and he acts like he had a good time when he and Janice come back to his apartment. Joey tells Chandler he still doesn't like her, but Chandler's glad he at least tried.

Monica: mopes after her breakup with Richard. She hasn't slept in days and gets really excited when she finds a ball of Richard's hair caught in the sink drain. She thinks about keeping it. Everyone tries to help her, but she's too sad. Ross finds Monica outside of a Chinese food restaurant and brings her into Central Perk. They learn she hasn't been going to work. She attempts meditation with Phoebe, but to no avail. Monica ends up crying outside Central Perk with a huge box in her arms. She went to the post office and had received some Civil War videos she'd ordered for Richard. She watches the videos and smokes one of his cigars she found on the balcony. Her dad comes by to check on her because he saw Richard. Mr. Geller tells her that Richard isn't doing too good and that makes Monica feel better. She falls asleep as her dad tells her a boring story.

Phoebe: talks to Rachel and Ross about the most romantic song. Her favorite is the one where Elton John sings "hold me closer young Tony Danza." Rachel tells Phoebe about Ross's Princess Leia thing and Phoebe informs her that that's a common fantasy for guys their age. Phoebe puts some buns on her head like Princess Leia's hair when Ross comes in. Phoebe helps Monica meditate to forget Richard, but it doesn't work.

• I have, like, major love for this episode.
  

• At the very beginning, the gang walks into Central Perk and the couch and chairs are occupied. They leave.

There's something wrong with this. And not just because people had the audacity to take their seats. What's up with Monica? She's supposed to be agonizing.

• When I hear "Tiny Dancer" on the radio, I sing it the way Phoebe does.
  

• Another alternate title for this episode: Attack of the Killer Ties:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

• Oh, Phoebe, I adore you.

• I'll say it once more "JOEY AND JANICE'S DAY OF FUN!!" I like yelling that at random quiet moments.
  

• I feel bad for Monica. I think it was the right thing for her to break up with Richard, but it's still sad to see her caressing drain hair (ewww).
  

• This is, really, one of the best (and most frightening) things I've seen in all my life.

• Foreshadowing alert: When Ross and Chandler share they talk about the hot girl from the copy place.
  

• I'm always just a little shocked about what Chandler shares. He just puts his Oedipal issues all right out on the table. Then again, I guess he doesn't realize it's not a common thing, but still.
  

Oh. My. God.

"Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that." -Chandler, when Joey thinks he's made pancakes.

"Ooh. Oh. It looks like--like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal." -Phoebe, after Monica drops Richard's drain hair in Ross's cereal.

"I think I have an old band uniform from high school."
"You remember not having sex in high school, right?" -Ross and Rachel, about uniforms.

"Yeah, that's the moment when--when, y'know, she stopped being a princess, and became, like, a woman, y'know." -Phoebe, on Princess Leia in the gold bikini

"I think this could be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! Don't worry, those are the right letters." -Chandler, talking to Joey about his feelings for Janice.

"Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her." -Joey, on Janice.

"Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!" -Chandler, to Joey after their fight; Joey'd been watching Wheel of Fortune.

"Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?"
"Uh, honey, yeah, that was with Carol." -Ross and Rachel, discussing what she shares with the girls.

"Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me."
"Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room." - Joey and Janice, before the DAY OF FUN.

"Look it's Weepie! The mime who cares too much." -Chandler, upon seeing Monica crying outside Central Perk.

"Girth."
"Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why why, why would they do this?" -Ross and Chandler, sharing.

"We're not gonna talk about girth are we?"
"Noo." -Chandler and Ross, still sharing.

"So it's kinda like, you're, y'know. Y'know... You don't know!!" -Chandler, sharing about his mom.

"I said 'share' not 'scare.' Go sit over there!" -Ross, after Chandler's mom thing.

"Really?"
"Oh yeah, I always picture your mom when I'm having sex." -Chandler and Joey, still the mom thing.

"I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life." -Ross, picturing Mrs. Geller in the gold bikini.

TOW: the Google Search Terms

In great blogger tradition I thought it'd be fun to do a post about Google search terms. Some of them...boggle the mind.

First, we'll start with the fanfiction. I'm all for fanfic's, I prefer Harry Potter, but to each his own. Sadly, no one was searching for Chandler/Joey, they wanted the more standard fare of Monica and Chandler or Phoebe and Joey. Although, someone did search "friends all by myself montage joey chandler." Awesome.

Then we have the standard search stuff; y'know the stuff this blog can actually provide you with, such as information about the episode where Rachel pours marinara sauce in Monica's bag (TO: After the Superbowl) or where Ross practices dirty talk with Joey (TOW: the Stoned Guy). There were several searches regarding the WENUS and ANUS. There's even one about Phoebe's 'the cow in the meadow goes moo' song.

But these searches are my absolute favorite. So far, the search terms have been what you expected, but these two...these two might just murder my brain. Number one is www.joeyporn. I was honestly confounded by this. Maybe they wanted the episode where he's in a porn? Maybe there's a Matt Le Blanc porno or one with a lead character named Joey Tribbiani? So, I googled this and apparently it's a place that sells domain names (there are also lots of porn flicks starring guys named Joey).

The second one, and this is truly baffling is animalsex blogspot. I searched. It exists. I've tried to look and I just can't make myself. Anyone brave enough...let me know. What's baffling is that someone searched for this and that the site is real; I know why my blog came up, Ross yelling "Animal sex!" at Rachel.

Finally, the people who searched for 'ebola snark' and 'joey in an elf suite'--I love you.

Now it's time for a fun video!!!! It's the season two blooper reel!! I have an insane love for gag reels.



Happy Friday!!