TOW: the Ride-Along

Ross, Chandler, and Joey: First thing's first: Emily's getting remarried the day after this episode takes place.

Anyhoo... The gang's at Central Perk when Phoebe and Gary come in. Phoebe went on a ride-along with Gary the night before, and the all the guys decide they want to go, too. They get their chance that very evening; with Chandler sorta freaking out about going when it will be dark outside. The night starts out great. Ross is having a fantastic time, but Chandler less so. The sun is setting, and Chandler's beginning to fear for his life. Joey comes back to the car with a meatball sandwich, one that he claims is better than sex, but Gary forbids him to eat it while in the car. Later on in the evening, a debate starts among the guys about who would make a better cop. Ross thinks it's him since he's already riding in the front seat, like Gary's partner would. Chandler and Joey make fun of him, justifiably, as Ross sets off the lights when Gary's supposed to be undercover. Gary banishes Ross to the backseat with the other two. They head over to a witness's apartment. The witness won't talk to Gary anymore, so Gary wants to confront him. They park by the witnesses place, and Chandler starts to freak out about being in danger. Gary remembers that he needs them to sign a release saying they won't sue the city if anything happens to them. The witness walks out of his apartment, acting suspiciously, when there's a loud bang like a gunshot. Joey, who's sitting in the middle, throws himself over Ross. It was only the sound of a car backfiring, but Chandler's hurt that Joey attempted to save Ross instead of him. They head back to Central Perk, and Gary tells Phoebe what a hero Joey is. Chandler complains that they weren't in any real danger, so Joey's actions weren't very heroic. Then he storms upstairs. Joey follows him, and Chandler confronts him about saving Ross instead. At first, Joey thinks Chandler's upset because he wanted Ross to get hit, but eventually understands why Chandler's hurt. Joey tells Chandler that he saved Ross instead because he knew Chandler could take care of himself. Chandler doesn't buy that, still thinking that Joey cares about Ross more. Joey hesitatingly tells Chandler that he wasn't trying to save Ross, but his sandwich. To show Chandler how much he loves him, Joey gives Chandler a bite of the sandwich.

Rachel and Monica: Rachel comes home from work to find Monica in the living room, surrounded by piles of pictures. Monica's decided to organize all of their pictures in a very complicated filing system. She only has one box left to organize, and she asks Rachel to hand the box to her. Apparently it was pretty full of pictures, because as Rachel hands it over the bottom breaks open spilling pictures all over the already organized photos. Monica had spent hours organizing the photos, and can't go on now that it's all been ruined. To make Monica feel better, Rachel offers to make margaritas. The only problem is that Ross borrowed their blender. Rachel decides to run across the street to get the blender, and Monica suggests that Rachel also take any cash Ross left lying around. The first thing Rachel does while at Ross's is to break a dinosaur...thing. It's not real, but she panics and throws it in a wall sconce. She grabs the blender, but Monica calls to tell her they don't have any of the other ingredients for margaritas. Rachel ends up with tequila and the blender when she finds some cash on the coffee table, she's about to pocket it, but the phone rings again. The answering machine picks up, and Emily leaves a message about how she's getting married the next day, but having second thoughts about having ended things with Ross. Rachel takes a swig of tequila. She calls Monica over to have her listen to the message. Monica's advice is to erase it from Ross's machine. Rachel doesn't feel right doing that, but Monica lists all the reasons Ross shouldn't get back with Emily. Rachel agrees that Ross shouldn't be with Emily, but he still deserves the right to listen to the message and make his own decision. Rachel thinks Emily deserves the benefit of the doubt, and goes to play back the message again. She deletes it instead. Monica thinks everything is taken care of, and gathers up the rest of the margarita ingredients and Ross's money. Rachel doesn't feel right about keeping the call from Ross. She thinks maybe she could call, posing as Emily, and leave the message again, but she can't remember exactly what Emily said. Monica still thinks Rachel should leave it be, and doesn't want to talk about any other options. The phone rings again, this time it's Ross leaving a message to remind himself how lucky he is to be alive. Monica leaves, but Rachel waits for Ross to tell him about the call. She's trying to fix the thing she broke when Ross comes home. In her panic, Rachel throws the thing, probably breaking it again. Anyway, she tells Ross what happened, expecting him to make the right decision not to call Emily. Instead, Ross thinks that his near-death experience means he should take this chance with Emily. Rachel convinces him that maybe the day is all about escaping from things, like death and his crazy ex-wife. Ross notices the message light blinking, thinking maybe Emily's message didn't get erased, he hits play; it's the message he left for himself, which he quickly stops. Rachel gets ready to leave, but before she goes Ross tells her to make Monica give him his money back.

Phoebe: doesn't really do much this episode. Oh, but at the end they all discuss how they'd fair in a war.

• I don't get when they decided to make Chandler all nervous and paranoid. I don't like it.

• This makes my heart sorta freeze in place.

I like to think I'm considerably less neurotic than Monica, but still. Yikes.

• Monica steals cash from Ross...it's surprising and yet not so much, all at the same time.
  

• If the sandwich is better than the best sex Joey's ever had, why is this the first time we're hearing about this sandwich? And who's the best sex Joey's ever had?

• Every time I see this, I worry about the apartment burning down. Sad, no?

Ugh, the dragonfly. Couldn't it have broken when Ross moved?

• Ross's phone only rings one time before the machine picks up. Doesn't give you much of a chance to actually answer the phone, does it? I can totally see him sprinting for the living room, and tripping over the couch in his frenzy to answer it.

• I love this.

That's straight tequila, ya'll.

• Joey should totally be sitting in the front seat. Clearly, he'd make the best cop.

• I half expect an alien creature to come flying out of his chest.

• Uh, I can't believe that Monica thinks they should delete the message. That actually seems more like something Rachel would suggest.

• Consequences of a car backfire

Epic.

• Yeah...Joey was trying to save his sandwich...awesome?
  

• Really, calling Emily back is a horrible idea. Why would Ross even consider it? Just no.
  

• Ultimately it's Ross's decision whether to call her or not, but I can't blame Rachel for talking him out of it. Emily turned out to be kind of a horrible person.

The Magna Doodle Says
It's a neutral face.

Oh. My. God.

"We saw and prevented crimes." -Phoebe, to Monica, about her ride-along with Gary.

"Tonight? You--you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime." -Chandler, to Gary, about the ride-along.

"You can also find him under ummm, dog and dead." -Monica, explaining the photo organizational system to Rachel using a picture of Le Poo as an example.

"Ugh, everything's just falling apart!" -Monica, after the box of pictures breaks and ruins her system, and she remembers that Ross has the blender.

"Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?"
"It's called the cherry." -Ross and Gary, after Chandler tells Ross the name for the single flashing light is 'berry.'

"Even though my tax dollars paid for this car."
"Your tax dollars?" -Joey and Chandler, after Gary refuses to let Joey eat his sandwich in the car.

"Made in Mexico! Yes!!" -Rachel, after she breaks a dinosaur thing at Ross's apartment.

"So all we have is ice?" -Rachel, to Monica, when Monica calls Rachel to ask her to get other ingredients from Ross's.

"Y'know, when you say partner, it doesn't sound cop. It sounds gay." -Chandler, to Ross, when they discuss which of them would make a better cop.

"Look at Officer Ross riding back her with the visitors."
'Yeah, what's up with that, Serpico?" -Chandler and Joey, teasing Ross after Gary banishes him to the backseat.

"She's obviously unstable, okay? I mean, she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! Okay, fine, all right, but that's, y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people." -Monica, to Rachel, about what Ross could do about Emily's phone call.

"Oh, it's nothing. It just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or, y'know, get your head blown off."
"Oh, hurry up, I want to sign that." -Gary and Chandler, about signing a release form on the ride-along.

"Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you!" -Monica, to Rachel, about telling Ross that Emily called.

"Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message!" -Rachel, when Ross's phone rings.

"Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!" -Monica, when Ross calls to leave himself a message.

"Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you."
"Who jumps at loud noises!" -Gary and Chandler, while Chandler's being bitter.

"I could've died tonight."
"Yeah, if the car that backfired had run over you!" -Ross and Chandler, still being bitter.

"Oh, I just went for a walk. Around the living room. Whatever..." -Chandler, to Joey, when Joey comes to see how he's doing.

"Alright, look, I--I wasn't trying to save Ross, okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. Alright? I was--I was trying to save my sandwich." -Joey, explaining his actions to Chandler.

"So you risked your life for a sandwich!" -Chandler, to Joey.

"And somebody took a shot at me!!!" -Ross, telling Rachel what happened.

"Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely even an experience!" -Rachel, to Ross, when he wants to call Emily.

"I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean, I know I'd make General way before any of you guys."
"Before or after you were shot by your own troops?" -Monica and Chandler, during the discussion of how they'd do in a war.

"I know where Joey would be. He'd be down in the foxhole protecting all of us."
"Yes. If the foxhole was lined with sandwiches." -Ross and Chandler.

TOW: Ross Can't Flirt

Ross: walks into Chandler and Joey's while Chandler is finishing getting ready for a date with Monica to celebrate their ten month anniversary. They get pizzas delivered, and the delivery girl, Caitlin (Kristin Dattilo), is pretty cute. Chandler chats with her, complimenting her hair, but when she leaves, Ross accuses him of flirting. They go across the hall with the pizza, where Ross continues to berate Chandler for flirting while he's already dating Monica. It comes out that Ross is jealous; he doesn't think it's fair for Chandler to flirt when he's already got a girlfriend. Ross thinks Chandler should let the single people do the flirting. The pizza order was wrong; the pizza place forgot Phoebe's vegetarian pizza. Ross is glad that Caitlin will have to come back to deliver the correct pizza;he plans to flirt with her. When Caitlin arrives with the pizza, Ross rushes to the door. He attempts to flirt, but accidentally comes off as pedophile. It gets worse as he explains that he was trying to compliment her very short hair, which she compared to the hair of an eight year old boy. Chandler patches up the awkwardness, which makes Ross freak out about Chandler flirting again. Rachel mentions that Ross has never been very good at flirting; this goads Ross into trying harder. He calls and orders another pizza, sure he'll be able to flirt well and get Caitlin's number. Ross practices his flirting skillz on Phoebe, but only manages to creep her out. Caitlin comes to deliver a pizza for the third time, Ross rushing to the door. Rachel tries to tell him not to worry about flirting, but he's determined. He ends up telling Caitlin that the smell is added to gas, so you know when there's a leak. She leaves without taking their money because Ross is so creepy. Ross is pretty upset, but Rachel runs after Caitlin. Rachel explains that Ross gets nervous when he flirts, but that he really liked Caitlin. Caitlin did think he was cute, and seems more interested as Rachel explains all the good things about Ross. When Rachel gets back to the apartment, she gives Ross Catilin's phone number.

Chandler and Monica: It's their ten month anniversary. Chandler got reservations at a really nice restaurant, but he could only get the reservations for a really late time. Plus, they have to watch Joey on Law & Order. Chandler gets all ready and heads over to Monica's, where Ross berates him for flirting with Caitlin. Chandler doesn't want Monica to hear Ross's accusations, afraid it will start a fight. Monica comes out of the bathroom, and Chandler suggests that she wear a pair of earrings he bought for her. Monica asks Phoebe for the earrings back, since she let Phoebe borrow them. It takes quite awhile for Phoebe to give them back, causing Monica to panic. After Caitlin comes back for the second time, Ross tells Monica about Chandler's flirting. Instead of being angry, Monica laughs, admitting to flirting with men all the time. This upsets Chandler. He gets all passive-aggressive, making Monica angry. She doesn't like the double standard. Chandler explains that men view a girl flirting with them as a real chance to get that girl into bed. Their fight is patched over, but Monica still doesn't have her earrings and doesn't understand what's taking Phoebe so long. Phoebe and Rachel both confess to losing the earrings. To make up for it, Monica tries to pass an old pair off as the earrings Chandler bought. The earrings she uses don't really look the same, but Chandler doesn't notice because Ross is the one who picked the earrings out.

Phoebe and Rachel: Monica comes to Phoebe wanting back a pair of earrings Phoebe borrowed. When Monica goes into her bedroom, Phoebe rushes to Rachel and asks for the earrings Rachel borrowed back. Rachel goes into her bedroom to get them, only she just brings back one. Rachel apologizes, but Phoebe explains that the earrings belonged to Monica. Rachel freaks out because she's not allowed to borrow Monica's things--she always loses them. Rachel searches the apartment, but can't find the missing earring. Monica asks Phoebe for the earrings again, and Phoebe goes to Rachel. Rachel's looked everywhere without any luck. Phoebe suggests Rachel check Joey and Chandler's place, but the earring's not there either. However, Rachel did find a pair of sunglasses she lost. Phoebe says the sunglasses really belonged to her, but Rachel borrowed them. They don't want to tell Monica the truth, especially not Rachel, but Phoebe offers to take the blame. Phoebe tells Monica about the missing earring. Monica's really understanding, telling Phoebe not to worry about it. Feeling safe, Rachel confesses to being the real culprit in the missing earring debacle. Monica is less forgiving, yelling at Rachel. Also, it turns out the sunglasses didn't belong to Phoebe at all. They were actually Monica's.

Joey: gets a part on Law & Order. He's really excited, and the whole gang gets together to watch, including Joey's elderly Italian grandma. Nonni (Lilyan Chauvin) speaks no English, but follows Joey's career obsessively. They watch the show, eager to see Joey's part, but it's been cut out of the episode. Joey's upset, knowing that his Nonni will react badly to his role getting cute. When he was killed off on Days of Our Lives she nearly died. He doesn't know what to do to make sure Nonni isn't upset, and none of the others have any good ideas. He runs out of Monica and Rachel's, seemingly leaving them to deal with Nonni. He finally comes back, though, this time with a video tape in hand. He distracts Nonni and sticks the tape in the VCR. Joey's recorded himself in a police standoff. Nonni is fooled, and all is well. Though the tape does cut to Chandler singing David Bowie's "Space Oddity."

• I always forget how awesome this episode is!

• I don't think Chandler's flirting.

At least, he's not flirting with intent. It's more of a playful banter than actual flirting. Plus, who sticks their tongue out like that when they're flirting???

• I think Caitlin's haircut is cute.

• Why does Monica let anyone borrow her things?

What kindergarten imagines that sharing is so fraught with peril?

• Ross saying he likes eight year old boys always reminds me of Dumb and Dumber. When Lloyd says he wants to make love to a school boy.

• I feel pretty awful for Joey when they cut his scene out of Law & Order that must really suck.

• Lilyan Chauvin, the woman who plays Joey's grandma, was amazingly beautiful when she was young.

She played the Mother Superior in Silent Night, Deadly Night. Just, y'know, in case you wondered.

• I think we should all agree the men should never do this when they flirt.

• I think Chandler's on to something when he says that men think they have a chance to actually sleep with any woman who flirts with them. I work in retail, at a store which has a rewards program. A friend and co-worker suggested that I try flirting with the younger guys who come to the register to get more rewards sign-ups. I wasn't really into it, not being much of a flirt when it comes to men I don't know (also, at that point I was engaged). Buuuut, an attractive college boy came through the line one day and was flirting with me. He was blond in that all-American-Abercrombie sort of way, so I thought I might as well give my friend's theory a try. I flirted back. Pretty harmlessly, actually. Just witty banter. That didn't stop him from asking me out, though. And getting pretty pissed when I turned him down.
  

• Monica forgives Phoebe for losing the earrings, but not Rachel. I want to be upset by Monica's attitude, but I totally understand the motivation behind it. You don't want to loan your stuff to someone who obviously doesn't care enough to keep track of it.

Seriously, Monica looks like she's about to rip Rachel's heart out.

• It's so sweet of Rachel to track down Caitlin and explain Ross's strange behavior.

• Chandler's rendition of "Space Oddity."

The Magna Doodle Says:

It's a drawing of the NYC skyline.

Oh. My. God.

"Ugh, I hate it! I look like an eight year old boy."
"Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting." -Caitlin and Chandler, discussing Caitlin's haircut.

"He's in the back. The duck pissed him off. Said that eggs came first." -Chandler, telling Caitlin where the chicken is.

"Okay first of all, the impression? Uncanny." -Chandler, to Ross mocking his conversation with Caitlin.

"But don't you think it should be called 'Order & Law'?" -Phoebe, to Rachel, about Law & Order.

"I was not and oh God, shhh!" -Chandler, to Ross, when Ross announces Chandler was flirting when Monica might overhear.

"Ross! We broke up two years ago! You've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people." -Rachel, to Ross, when she learns about his crush on Caitlin.

"Okay, Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!" -Phoebe, to Ross, when their pizza order is wrong.

"You have got to go home!"
"But I like it here!" -Monica and Phoebe, when Monica needs her earrings back.

"If you said, 'Big lima bean, bubbling up,' would she understand the difference?"- Chandler, to Joey, about his grandmother not understanding English.

"Oh, boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary."
"It's a diaper commercial."
"Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!" -Rachel and Monica, while Rachel's searching for the missing earring during Law & Order.

"Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better, I happen to like eight-year-old boys." -Ross, to Caitlin.

"You are a lot hotter than I am."
"True story." -Chandler to Monica, and Joey.

"Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?"
"Uhh, no, no. It bothered me when he slept with other women." -Chandler and Rachel.

"Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted, and then bam, nine years later you had me!" -Rachel, making fun of Ross's flirting skills.

"If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?" -Chandler, to Joey, when Joey's trying to hide that his scene was cut.

"Doesn't know 'hello,' but she knows Capricorn One." -Chandler, when Joey's grandma lists other things Sam Waterston acted in.

"Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box."
"Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?" -Phoebe and Rachel, searching for the earring.

"Why are you being weird?" -Phoebe, to Ross, when he tries flirting with her.

"See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order, and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!" -Chandler, to Monica.

"So...you're old and small." -Chandler, trying to make small-talk with Joey's grandma.

"Gas? Wow! Intense." -Ross, talking to Caitlin about the pizza place's ovens.

"If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem." -Chandler, listening to Ross talking about gas with Caitlin.

"A lot of other gas smells."
"Oh the humanity." -Ross and Chandler, while Ross is talking to Caitlin.

"Was I talking to her about gas?"
More so than anything else." -Ross and Chandler, after Caitlin leaves.

"Well, y'know, we' have seven people and, like, ten pizzas, what do you think?" -Rachel to Caitlin.

"Look! Oh! Is that the Pope?!"
"Why am I looking?" -Joey and Chandler, when Joey attempts to distract his grandma.

"You couldn't have at least changed your shirt?" -Chandler, to Joey, while watching the video Joey made.

TOW: Rachel Smokes

Rachel: has her first day of work at Ralph Lauren. It's going pretty awkwardly, as with all first days at a new job. She discusses which dress design she likes better with her boss, Kim (Joanna Gleason), and her co-worker, Nancy (Megan Ward). Kim and Nancy like the same dress, but Rachel disagrees. She's open about her opinion, which Kim and Nancy admire, but Rachel over-interprets their teasing. Kim decides she needs a cigarette break, and that they'll make the final decision on the dress when she and Nancy return. Rachel tells the gang that when Kim and Nancy got back, they'd already made the decision without her. She feels like she's going to miss out on everything if she doesn't go on the smoke breaks, too. Monica thinks that Rachel should go outside with them, not to smoke, but for fresh air. The next day, Rachel follows Kim and Nancy to the smoking area. She tries standing with them, but the smoke keeps blowing in her face, so Kim and Nancy move. Rachel panics, bums a cigarette off of a guy, and goes to stand with them. Kim and Nancy are shocked, since Rachel told them she didn't smoke. Rachel explains that she thought they meant they smoked pot. It's an incredibly uncomfortable moment. Rachel goes to the coffee shop, intending to tell Monica and Chandler about her day. Monica's first comment is that Rachel stinks. Rachel explains that she accompanied Kim and Nancy on their smoke breaks, but Chandler realizes that Rachel actually smoked. Rachel explains she only did it to keep her job, but Monica leaves cause Rachel smells too bad. Rachel smokes with her boss and co-worker again, but this time says she wants to quit. Kim and Nancy want to stop, too, but can never do it. Rachel decides they should all quit together, getting the other two to agree. A day later, Kim asks Rachel how she's doing with quitting. Rachel tells Kim it's going great. Nancy abruptly leaves the office to copy something, and Kim follows because she's suddenly hungry. Rachel realizes they're smoking again, and goes to the smoking area to catch them. She's all ready to light up again, but Kim and Nancy refuse to let her because Rachel's doing so good. Kim says she'll fire Rachel if she catches Rachel smoking. Rachel goes back upstairs, but before she does she overhears Kim asking Nancy to accompany her on the Paris trip.

Ross and Joey: Ross, Carol, and Ben come into Central Perk celebrating. They'd been at the park, playing with Ben, when Ben was noticed by a commercial casting director. The casting director gives Ross and Carol a business card, encouraging them to have Ben try-out for a role in a soup commercial. Joey recognizes the casting director's name, they're really big in the commercial industry, which makes Joey jealous. He's tried for a long time to be discovered, and Ben doesn't have to do anything to get an audition. Ross gets ready to go to the audition with Ben and Carol, and mentions that the commercial also has a role for a dad. Joey's excited, deciding to audition to play Ben's father. Joey's given permission to try-out. He points out a kid who's done a lot of commercial work, Raymond, and Ross gets defensive. Ross is sure that Ben will get the part, but he doesn't believe that Joey will play the dad, hurting Joey's feelings. After the audition, Ross and Joey go to Monica's, looking all sad. Everyone knows it's an act, Ben and Joey got callbacks. At the callback, Ross and Joey are extremely nervous. Joey's not gone on many callbacks, so he's not sure how it's all going to go. Ben, Joey, Raymond, and another man are announced as the top choices for the roles. But Ross and Joey are told that Ben and Joey won't be father and son because they don't look enough alike. Later that evening, Joey comes home and Ross is over. Joey offers to back out of the audition, so there won't be any weirdness. Ross agrees that Joey's decision is the best idea, but Joey's furious. He was hoping Ross would pull Ben out of the audition, to give Joey a better chance. Joey argues that it's his career, and Ben's just a kid, but Ross has no intention of pulling Ben out of the audition. They fight over which kid will eat the soup better. At the final audition, Carol asks Joey to watch Ben for minute. Joey tries to convince Ben to drop-out of the audition, but in doing so reminds himself how much he loves acting. Ross comes in, and they have a bit of a stand-off, but Joey's called in for his audition. It should be really simple, but Joey keeps blowing the line by saying "mmm, noodle soup!" instead of "mmmm, soup!" He doesn't get the part. During Rachel's surprise party, Ross apologizes to Joey, especially since Joey's audition didn't go well. Ross explains that he thinks Joey sabotaged himself so Ben could get the role. Joey agrees that could be the case, mostly cause it makes him look better. Ross tells Joey that Ben didn't get the role anyway.

Monica and Phoebe: When Rachel leaves for her first day of work, Phoebe suggests to the others that the start planning Rachel's birthday. They point out that Rachel's birthday isn't for another month, but Phoebe explains that it'll just make the surprise party more surprising. Everyone's on board, but Monica and Phoebe are doing all the planning. The first idea is to have an intimate party with Rachel's closest friends. Later, Phoebe tricks Rachel into going to get coffee, so that she and Monica can have some time to plan the party. However, Monica's already done all the planning, leaving Phoebe with nothing to do. Phoebe's hurt, but doesn't really say anything. Monica lets Phoebe be in charge of cups and ice. Phoebe brings two giant trash bags over to Joey and Chandler's, asking them if she can store the bags there until Rachel's party. She explains that the bags are full of cups, cause that's all Monica let her be in charge of. She's going crazy with the cups to teach Monica a lesson, she has more trash bags full downstairs. At the party, Phoebe's made everything out of cups. There are hats, a chandelier, centerpieces, and streamers all made out of cups. Monica's pretty furious. Phoebe's also supplied three different kinds of ice, chipped, cubed, and dry. Oh, and there are sno-cones! Which are a much bigger hit with the guests than Monica's finger food. Monica kind of apologizes for doing all the planning herself, and they decide to plan Joey's party together. Phoebe says she'll bring the beer, leaving Monica with nothing to do. Rachel comes home and is incredibly surprised. Not only is her birthday not for another month, but Chandler's is actually before hers.

Chandler: really wants to smoke. He tells Rachel all about the glories of smoking, and wants to smoke when she does. At the party, he steals a pack of cigarettes from a woman's purse (he's sad everyone forgot his birthday), but is caught by Monica. Monica says he has to choose between her and the cigarettes. He chooses Monica, but only because the cigarettes were menthol. He goes to Ralph Lauren to pick Rachel up for lunch, and ends up at the smoking area. He takes a drag from Kim's cigarette, before running upstairs.

• I do feel a little bad for Joey. He's been a failed actor for years, but Ben deserves a chance, too. He's just a little kid for christ's sake.

• How come Chandler doesn't realize his birthday comes first when they're all planning to throw Rachel a surprise party? I don't think he can be mad if he forgets his birthday, too.
  

• Ross could've mentioned that the casting people were looking for a guy to play the dad when Joey was flipping out in Central Perk.
  

• Oh, Chandler is Ben's godfather, but Joey thinks he is.
  

• It's totally admirable that Rachel is honest about her opinions on the first day of the job. She'd do anything to fit in (obviously), but still manages to be truthful.

Nancy seems like a bitch.

• Joanna Gleason, who plays Kim, was on The West Wing as Leo's lawyer/love interest. Megan Ward also guest starred on The West Wing, but I have no idea who her character is.

• Seriously, Monica's getting on my nerves.

See, total bitch face.

• Pouting

• Phoebe and her cups

• Joey trying to get Ross to pull Ben out of the audition is a douche move.
  

I'd be pissed, too.

• I don't smoke, nor do I like inhaling large quantities of cigarette smoke, but I think Monica's reaction is ridiculous. It'd be different if Rachel was, like, smoking in her face, or something.
  

• The "mmm, noodle soup!" thing is hilarious. Actually, I like that line better than the "mmm, soup!"

• Rachel's understandably disappointed about not being asked to go on the Paris trip, but she's only worked there for a week. Clearly, accompanying Kim on the trip is going to be offered to the person with the most experience. It also reminds me of The Devil Wears Prada.

• This is the best use of cups since...well, ever.

Phoebe's fez is epic.

• I want dry ice at my next birthday part!

• This isn't awkward.

For some reason, this makes me think "Look what you're doing to Chandler!"

The Magna Doodle Says

"Joey," unreadable name "wants you to call her."


Oh. My. God

"I'm always on the swings!" -Joey, complaining about Ben being offered an audition while he was swinging in Central Park.

"Uh, well, y'know what? I don't think I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day." -Rachel, to Chandler, after he asks her to bring back some polo shirts.

"Okay, great, so do you want to do it together?"
"I would love to do it together!"
"They're gonna do it together." -Phoebe, Monica, and Joey.

"Weirder than watching his two moms make out?" -Chandler, when they're speculating on how weird it'll be for Ross to watch someone else play Ben's dad.

"I look more like him than you do!" -Joey, to Ross, when they argue over the likelihood of Joey playing Ben's dad.

"Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories...about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke." -Rachel, to Kim, on why she doesn't smoke.

"It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!"
"Yeah, it is the best." -Rachel and Chandler, about smoking.

"Oh good, because, uh, we got Rachel 800 gallons of water." -Chandler, to Phoebe, as she's bringing in all the cups.

"Y'know, I rued the day once...didn't get a whole lot else done." -Chandler, to Phoebe.

"Well, I mean, let me get the door first. Oh hi, No One." -Chandler, when Joey wants Chandler to take his side in his fight with Ross.

"Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?"
"You just give him a spoon, baby!" -Ross and Joey, arguing about the commercial casting.

"Your kid's name is Raymond!"
"Yeah?! So's yours!" -Ross and Joey, still fighting.

"You look happy and sick; you smoked!" -Chandler, to Rachel.

"I wish I had to smoke for my career..." Chandler.

"We could be like the Patch Sisters!" -Rachel, as she convinces Kim and Nancy to quit smoking.

TOW: Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss

Rachel: gets a job interview at Ralph Lauren to be the coordinator of the women's collection. She's super excited as she tells everyone in the coffee shop. Phoebe offers to go over her interview skills with her, and praises Rachel's handshake. Rachel comes home from the interview, all happiness obliterated. She tells the others that it started out really well, Mr. Zelner seemed to really like her and she made him laugh. But at the end of the interview, Mr.Zelner shook her hand, and leaned in to open the door for her; Rachel misread the signals, and kissed Mr. Zelner on the cheek. She's sure that she has no chance of getting the job. Monica comes into the living room, excitedly tell Rachel that she got a call from Ralph Lauren requesting a second interview. Rachel thinks Monica's joking, and refuses to believe it's true. Joey thinks that Rachel only got the second interview because of the kiss, and now Mr. Zelner expects sex. Monica and Chandler try to convince Rachel it's not true, but the damage is done. As she's waiting for her second interview to begin, Rachel chews on a pen. She walks into Mr. Zelner's office with a huge ink blot on her bottom lip. Mr. Zelner keeps gesturing to his lip, to indicate Rachel has something on hers, but Rachel doesn't get it. She thinks he's hitting on her, yells at him, and storms out of his office. When she gets home, she starts to tell the gang what happened, starting with asking "You'll never guess what happened!" They all start gesturing to their lips, like Mr. Zelner did, and Rachel realizes her mistake. Rachel sets up a meeting with Mr. Zelner to apologize for her behavior. It's pretty awkward, but she explains her actions, then lists the reasons Mr. Zelner should hire her. With some reluctance, Mr. Zelner offers Rachel the job. Rachel wants to hug him, but is advised against it. Instead, she goes in for a handshake and grabs Mr. Zelner's crotch. She scurries away in embarrassment, but with a new job.

Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe: Monica and Phoebe start butting heads at the beginning of the episode, when Monica wants Phoebe to judge her handshake. Phoebe exclaims that Monica's hurting her, putting Monica on the defensive. Things between them get worse when Monica witnesses Phoebe and Gary saying good-bye to one another. Phoebe's all sad about Gary getting called to a crime scene, making Monica comment on how great Phoebe and Gary are. Phoebe tells Monica how great it is to be in that beginning, can't get enough of each other, stage of a relationship. Then she asks Monica when that phase ended for her and Chandler. Monica gets defensive (again), claiming that she and Chandler are still in that phase. As Monica's claims heat up, Chandler comes over to return a broom. Monica jumps on him. Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler all hang out in Central Perk together. Monica invites Phoebe and Gary out to the movies with her and Chandler, but Phoebe declines the offer. She and Gary are planning to spend the night in bed, pretty much what they'd been doing most of the day. Monica laughs off the movie invitation, saying she only asked to see what Phoebe was doing later, so she wouldn't walk in on Monica and Chandler doing it. Monica pulls Chandler to the other side of the room, telling him they have to run upstairs and have sex right away, to beat Phoebe and Gary. Chandler doesn't see what the big deal is, then realizes he's saying no to sex. They run upstairs. The two couples go out to dinner together, where Monica brags about all the sex she and Chandler had the night before. As they're talking, Monica notices a twig in Phoebe's hair. Phoebe tells her that she and Gary took a walk in the park before dinner, and decided to have sex. Chandler had left to use the restroom, so Monica follows him, planning to have sex in a public place. In the bathroom, Chandler declines her offer of sex, not feeling comfortable doing it in a men's restroom. Monica explains that she's sad that she and Chandler aren't in the early phase of their relationship anymore. Chandler agrees that it's sad, but says that he likes their relationship as it is. Monica feels better, and Chandler celebrates not being the one to freak out.

Joey and Ross: Ross is quite pleased with the fact that his apartment is right across from Monica and Rachel's. He mimes things in his window for the pleasure (read: irritation) of the others across the street. Joey gets stuck watching Ross's act, but also catches the attention of a hot girl in Ross's building. The girl waves Joey over, and he calculates where her apartment should be. He runs across the street, arriving at what he believes is the correct door. He knocks, and Ross answers. Ross invites Joey in to play in front of the window, but Joey runs back across the street. Much to Joey's dismay, the hot girl is gone. Joey comforts Rachel with a hug after her disastrous interview, and sees the hot girl again. He runs off to find her, but ends up at Ross's place again. Joey starts going door-to-door in Ross's building, looking for the hot girl, but with no luck. He roams up and down the halls yelling "hot girl!" hoping to find her. Ross is checking his mail when another tenant hangs a sign to warn people to call the police when they see a man matching Joey's description. Ross makes an ill timed joke and the woman at the mail box, Joey's hot girl, gives him a look. Ross introduces himself, but she already knows who he is because of the handyman incident. Ross thinks she's a lost cause, but she praises him for not contributing when he'd just moved in. Ross asks her out for coffee, and gets her number. Oh, and her name is Jen, and not Hot Girl. Later, Joey is at Monica and Rachel's. Monica points out that the hot girl is back, but Joey doesn't care because he can never find her apartment. Monica figures out that Joey was counting wrong and directs him to the right place. Joey rushes across the street, just as Jen is getting her coat to go out with Ross. When Joey knocks, Ross answers the door, making Joey think he's at the wrong apartment again. Joey storms off. Because of Ross's window shenanigans, Monica and Rachel borrow Baywatch cardboard cut-outs from Chandler and Joey, and put pictures of their faces on the bodies. Ross thinks the girls are watching him, but really they're out at the movies. Genius.

• I totally just forgot how to spell genius.
  

• This episode lacks awesomeness. I like it, but not much happens. Plus, lately large doses of Monica irritate me.
  

• Rachel's storyline is epic. I totally get why she thought Mr. Zelner was going in for a kiss, but still why??

That's really an awkward move, though. Going to open the door, while shaking hands.

• Everyone acts like Rachel laid one on the guy, but she just kisses his cheek. There are worse things. (Like grabbing his crotch).

I'm envious of the way she looks in that skirt. If I ever tried to wear that, I'd look freaking Amish.

• I know this has got to get old after awhile, but the window miming thing is hilarious. Seriously.

Ross's interpretation of the first seen of Jaws.

• I want to run around the halls of a random apartment building yelling "Hot Girl!!!"

It almost seems like a baseball stadium vendor, but he's offering women instead of beer.

• This is why you don't chew on pens before a job interview

I don't like her outfit. It's too big. And what the hell is that fabric?

• Ugh, Monica's competitive thing gets on my nerves in this one. You know it's bad when Chandler's the one who has to talk you down.

I'm pretty sure this is Chandler's orgasm face.

• Chandler did almost have sex in men's room, though. With Susie in TO: After the Superbowl.
  

• And kudos for that one, writers. So often Chandler is the spaz, especially where romantic relationships are concerned. For once he gets to be the sane one, who is more than happy with the way things are going with Monica.
  

• Okay, Joey continuously going to the wrong apartment, then getting the right one, but finding Ross on the other side of the door is amazing.

• I don't really like Gary. He's not a jerk or anything, but I find him to be the opposite of attractive.

This isn't the most flattering picture, but still.

• Yasmine and Pamela

You'd think that Ross would notice the lack of clothes.

Oh. My. God.

"I got a pair marked XS, I gotta tell you, there was no room for excess anything in there." -Joey, complaining about Ralph Lauren underwear.

"Did I squeeze too hard?"
"Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler." -Monica and Phoebe, after their handshake.

"But I counted, you're not supposed to live here!" -Joey, trying to find the hot girl, but ending up at Ross's.

"God, I woke the beast." -Phoebe, after getting Monica riled up about her relationship with Chandler.

"I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, 'well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets'." -Rachel, describing the good part of her interview.

"Well, you could've tried not kissing him." -Chandler, explaining to Rachel what she could've done differently.

"Damn it! Did you move?!?!" -Joey, looking for the hot girl and ending up at Ross's again.

"I'm Ross." -Ross, to Joey, when Joey freaks out about being at Ross's.

"Do you happen to have a got girl in there?" -Joey, to an old man.

"You got ink on your lip." -Ross, to Rachel, after her failed second interview.

"I mean, just to impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat." -Chandler, trying to talk some sense in to Monica.

"You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently, he's running around looking for some sort of hot girl."
"Who isn't?" - a man and Ross.

"Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some, like, hot girl parallel universe, or something." -Joey, explaining to Monica why he doesn't care about the hot girl anymore.

"I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting!" -Joey.

"So there you go, you got--you got courage, you got integrity, you got...courage again, and not litigious." -Rachel, listing her good qualities for Mr. Zelner.

"Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean." -Chandler, to Monica, while they're at dinner with Phoebe and Gary.

"Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta 10-100... That's pee-pee." -Chandler, because Gary got him a badge.

"You see, I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?"
"No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out." -Monica and Chandler, when she wants to have sex in the restaurant's bathroom.

"You freaked out big time, okay?! And I fixed it! We have switched places. I am the relationship king, and you are the crazy, irrational screw up!" -Chandler, celebrating making Monica feel better about their relationship.

I'm baaaaack!!!

Hey, All!!!

Please excuse my extended absence. My life was going through some major upheavals this last month, putting blogging on the back-burner. Luckily, things have evened out, so expect new posts starting tomorrow! Thanks for putting up with my frequent absences; I hope to be a much better blogger in the future.