TOW: the Cop

Phoebe: digs in the chair cushions at Central Perk to find change for the tip, instead she finds a policeman's badge. Rachel tells her she has to turn the badge in, and Phoebe agrees. When she leaves the coffee house, she sees a woman (Nicole Robinson) putting out her cigarette against a tree. Phoebe's horrified, confronting the woman. The chick doesn't care, but Phoebe pulls out the badge, threatening to arrest her unless she apologizes to the tree. The woman apologizes. Phoebe tells Chandler and Monica all of the good deeds she's done since she's found the cops badge. They're glad she's doing good things, but impersonating a cop is a pretty serious crime. They encourage her to go ahead and turn the the badge in. Phoebe realizes she' drunk with power, and goes to turn the badge in. Phoebe's going into Central Perk, but there's a car parked on the curb, right in front of the door. Phoebe confronts the guy (Michael Rapaport), pulling out the badge. The guy tells her he's a cop, too, and asks her about her precinct. Phoebe makes up some stuff, answering his questions with things from NYPD Blue. The cop knows she's bluffing, it's his badge Phoebe's using. Phoebe drops the badge, running away. Phoebe tells Monica and Chandler what happened with the cop. They ask why she ran, and she explains that impersonating a cop is a felony that could lead to jail time. She also admits to having been in jail at some point. Phoebe and the others are over at Monica and Rachel's, when the cop knocks at the door. Phoebe turns herself in, but warns the cop that the charges against her won't stick. He agrees, says he won't arrest her, but asks her out. He's been thinking about her since they met. Phoebe's flattered, quickly agreeing to the date. The cop's name, by the way, is Gary.

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Joey comes home one evening to find Chandler and Monica sitting together in a recliner, doing the crossword. They all talk a little, commenting on how cute Chandler and Monica are as a couple. Joey goes to bed, and ends up having a dream where he's doing the crossword puzzle with Monica. When he wakes up, he's totally freaked out. The next morning, he's really weird when he runs into Monica and Chandler in Central Perk. Monica's wearing one of Joey's sweatshirts, which really upsets him. Monica offers to take it off, but Joey doesn't want it because it'll smell like her. Monica's worried she smells bad, but Joey assures her she smells like a meadow. Then he runs away. When Joey comes home that evening, Monica's making dinner for herself and Chandler. She asks Joey to taste the sauce she's making, and Joey freaks out again. She and Chandler finally confront Joey about why he's acting so strangely. He confesses that he dreamed about Monica, and is now in love with her. Chandler and Monica come up with a few alternatives to explain the dream. Joey likes Monica's suggestion that he'd like to have the closeness that she and Chandler have. Chandler asks Joey if he's attracted to Monica, but Joey isn't really. This sort of hurts Monica's feelings, but it's forgotten when Joey asks how he can have the same kind of closeness with a woman. Chandler and Monica think he should be friends with the woman first. At this point, Rachel comes over looking for a measuring tape, and Joey starts giving her the eye. He ends up hitting on her when she comes over asking for his help moving Ross' couch. Rachel declines the offer, suggesting he needs to meet a woman, and start a friendship. Joey doesn't want to do that, since that takes a long time. He regrets not hitting on Phoebe. Joey ends up taking Chandler, Monica, and Rachel's advice about women. Only, their advice didn't work out too well, because when the woman Joey met found out he wanted a friendship first, she threw herself at him. And so did her roommate. He's not too upset about the failure of his relationship plans.

Ross and Rachel: Rachel goes with Ross when he buys a new couch. Ross is really particular, and has to make sure the couch meets all his specifications. He finally picks a couch (not without prompting from Rachel), and is given a form to sign. While looking over the form, he sees how expensive it'll be to have the couch delivered to his apartment. He and Rachel are both horrified over the cost, since Ross only lives three blocks from the store. Ross decides not to have the couch delivered, then expects Rachel to help him carry it home. On their way out of the store with the couch, Ross and the salesman get into a discussion of the likelihood of a guy like Ross dating a girl like Rachel. Ross is compelled to explain that he and Rachel did used to go out. They manage to get the couch to Ross's building, and Ross takes it towards the staircase. Rachel stops him, because he told her there was an elevator. He lied. Rachel thinks he should go back and have movers help him. Ross refuses partly due to the cost, but also because he saw a Dateline about how movers case your belongings to come back later and steal them. He and Rachel have a discussion about the show, and how much Rachel wants to kiss Jane Pauly. Ross shushes her, so they can start moving the couch up the stairs. It doesn't go well, and they end up dropping it. Rachel asks Joey for his help moving the couch. He agrees at first, but this is during the period where he wants her to be the friend he has a relationship with. She declines his advances, and I guess he doesn't want to help anymore. She gets Chandler to help instead, but Ross says he's barely any help. They try moving the couch again, this time with a diagram Ross drew. They end up getting it stuck. I guess they don't know what to do once they get it stuck, because Ross and Rachel just sorta chill on the steps. Ross gets motivated to move the couch again, and urges Rachel to help. She stands up, accidentally pulling the fire alarm. All the tenants of the building run down the stairs, stepping on the couch as they go. Ross takes the couch back to the store, wanting to return it. The saleslady refuses to take it back, since it's cut in half. Ross asks for store credit, and she agrees to give him four dollars.

• This is pretty adorable. But why the bubble vest?

• I'm horrible at crossword puzzles. I don't know why. Joey's "Not dog but--" "Cat" is about at my level.

• Because it's really hard to walk across the hall and get a sweatshirt that belongs to you?

• Cops and doughnuts are like the cockroaches of jokes. They will never go away.

• Being generally against lugging couches for blocks and blocks, I'd totally pay the delivery cost.

I'm surprised Rachel didn't put up more of a fight.

• The salesman looks like Bill Pullman with a facelift.

• I can't believe Ross kept count.
  

Although, if I was having sex with Rachel, I'd probably keep count, too. Just saying.

• The tree lady is Margaret, Leo's secretary, from The West Wing!

• Ends badly.

• Joey used to have a crush on Monica, has sex dreams about her, but says he's not attracted to her. Oookay.

• It's epically awesome that Phoebe answers Gary's questions using characters from NYPD Blue.

• Joey, putting the moves on Rachel.

Her outfit is super cute.

• To quote Winnie-the-Pooh: "Stuck. Wedged there in a great tightness."

PIVOT

• Joey steals a pizza from the second floor of the building, then thinks that the cops are after him when Gary shows up.

• It'd make a good love seat.
  

Maybe?

The Magna Doodle Says:

Something about someone calling for Joey. And a spiral!!

Oh. My. God.

"Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?"

"Dark red?" -Chandler and Joey, when Chandler and Monica are doing the crossword.

"There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but..."

"Cat!" -Monica and Joey, doing the crossword.

"Why would a cop come in here, though? They don't serve doughnuts." -Chandler, after Phoebe finds the badge.

"While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists, because my friend Fritzy has been, like, number eleven forever, so this could be her year!" -Phoebe, before she goes to turn the badge in.

"Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter." -Chandler, to Monica, after Joey gets all awkward with Monica.

"I need a couch that says, 'kids welcome here,' but that also says, 'come here to me'."

"What?! You say that to kids?!" -Ross and Rachel, while he's couch shopping.

"The 'come here to me,' is, y'know, for the ladies."

"Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch." -Ross and Rachel, about the couch.

"Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!" -Ross, to the salesman, about he and Rachel's relationship.

"A loser you did it with 298 times!" -Ross, to Rachel, after she calls him a loser.

"I am not going to apologize to a tree!" -the tree lady, to Phoebe.

"Alright, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power." -Phoebe, to Monica and Chandler, about how the badge makes her feel.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, what if Martin Luther Kind had said that? I kinda have a dream...I don't want to talk about it." -Chandler, teasing Joey when he won't share his dream.

"Hey, ummm, do you guys have that tape measure?"

"Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom." -Rachel and Chandler.

"Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore." -Phoebe, to Gary, when she learns he's a cop, too.

"Hey, by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be alright. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good." -Gary, to Phoebe, when she names Sipowicz as a cop from her precinct.

"Don't hit on your existing friends!" -Rachel, to Joey, when he puts the moves on her.

"Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!" -Joey, to Rachel, after she turns him down.

"What, you brought Joey?"

"Well, I brought the next best thing."

"Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!" -Ross and Rachel, trying to move the couch.

"Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself."

"No! That's--that's my arm!"

"Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch." -Rachel, Ross, and Chandler, about Ross's diagram.

"PIVOT!" -Ross, moving the couch.

"I can't believe that didn't work!"

"I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch." -Ross and Rachel, when they get the couch stuck.

"I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! And her roommate!" -Joey, explaining how being friends first went for him.

"Closeness-shmoshness!! There was three of us for crying out loud!" -Joey, defending his actions.

"You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen." -Gary, when he asks Phoebe out.

"And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for doughnuts."

"He has a gun." -Gary and Chandler, after Gary makes a bad joke, and Chandler laughs.

"You wanna return this couch? It's cut in half!" -the saleswoman, when Ross wants to return the couch.