TOW: the Inappropriate Sister

Rachel: is still obsessing over Danny. He comes into Central Perk, and Rachel points him out to the group. Danny pretty much ignores them all, and Rachel says this is proof that he's still ignoring his feelings for her. Danny walks over to them, Rachel urging them all to ignore him, but no one listens. Monica asks Danny to go out with Rachel. Danny agrees, and sets the date for Friday. Later on in the week, Rachel comes home, upset. She's just seen Danny on the subway, with his arm around another woman. Monica says she's sorry about Danny. Rachel thinks Monica should be sorry, because now Rachel's more upset about Danny. Before Monica asked them out, Rachel was happy with the status quo of their relationship. Monica points out that there was no relationship. She goes on to say that Rachel should stop worrying, go on her date with Danny, and charm him into forgetting about the subway girl. Rachel agrees. Rachel and Danny's date goes really well, ending with a kiss. Danny wants to invite her in, but his sister's visiting and asleep on the couch. Rachel realizes that the girl she saw Danny with was his sister. The door opens, it's Danny's sister, Krista (Julie Lauren), up because she heard voices. Danny introduces them, and starts playfully (read: flirtatiously) bantering with Krista. He chases her around the house, tackling her on the couch, and they wrestle. Rachel's pretty creeped out. The next morning, she asks Ross and Monica about their wrestling habits. They say the wrestled all the time, when they were kids. Ross taunts Monica, and they decide to wrestle. It's not anywhere near what Danny was doing with Krista. Danny and Krista end up hanging out with the group in Central Perk. Krista gives Danny a bite of the pastry she's eating; he licks it off her finger. Then she drops a gob of icing in Danny's crotch. Krista starts wiping at Danny's crotch. Everyone in the group is icked out by it, especially Rachel. Danny and his Krista run upstairs to clean Danny's pants. Rachel realizes she shouldn't go on her second date with Danny that night. She goes to his place to break it off with him. When she starts explaining why she's ending it with him, he gets upset. He indicates that, in the past, women have broken up with him because his relationship with his sister. He asks about Rachel's relationship with her siblings, which isn't close. He goes on to say that Rachel shouldn't be upset about his good relationship with his family; that he really thinks it could go well between them. Rachel's about to relent when Krista calls to him from the bathtub. They're supposed to take a bath together, but the water's getting cold. Rachel leaves.

Ross, Joey, and Chandler: Ross reorganizes Chandler and Joey's refrigerator. Joey figures out that Ross did it because he's bored. He's not used to being unemployed, and doesn't know how to use his non-working time wisely. Joey forces Ross into Chandler's recliner, putting it into it's most relaxing position. Then he dials the phone, and they prank call Chandler at work. Joey has a meeting with Estelle, learning that he didn't get a role he was perfect for. He asks if Estelle has anything else for him; her suggestion is gay porn. Joey goes home, telling Ross about his horrible meeting with Estelle. Ross suggests that Joey write something for himself, like the Good Will Hunting Guys. Joey likes the idea, but isn't sure he has the right kind of drive to be a writer. Ross urges Joey to start writing, telling Ross he'll help Joey out; that it'll be Ross's sabbatical project. Ross is going to make Joey a daily schedule. Joey's first task is to come up with the main character's name, and it can't be Joseph or Joe. Chandler and Joey are at home; Joey's writing, and Chandler's popping a ping-pong ball into a bowl with a spoon. Joey gets irritated with Chandler, not for distracting him, but for having the bowl too close. Chandler wants Joey to play, but Joey has to finish five pages of his play before Ross gets home. Chandler suggests that they play for half-an-hour, and then Joey finishes his five pages. Joey agrees, but decides to make their game more interesting. Using fire. When Ross gets home, he looks over what Joey's written. Joey only has a short description of a character's entrance. Ross scolds him for not writing enough. Then Ross sees the written out instructions for 'fireball.' He's furious with Joey and Chandler; Joey for not doing his work, and Chandler for distracting him. Ross makes Joey stop playing and write. They're all supposed to go to a hockey game, but Ross won't let them. Joey hasn't filled his writing quota for the day. Chandler urges Ross to relax about it, thinking that Joey'll get more done without all the pressure. Ross tells Chandler that he doesn't care about Joey, and keeps distracting him with stupid games. Chandler points out that Ross's just bored, and using Joey as a project. They end up getting in a fight. Joey tries to stop it, but it ends with Ross ripping up the hockey tickets. At first Chandler's pissed, because he thinks he paid for the tickets. Ross was the one who actually bought them, so Chandler gloats. The next night, Chandler comes home, telling Ross that there's some kids playing downstairs, and asking if he wants to ruin their fun. Ross shoots back, asking if Chandler wants to invent a life threatening game for the kids to play. Joey comes home, really excited because he wrote his five pages. Chandler and Ross are still bickering, but Joey gets them to stop by asking them to read his play out loud. He hands out copies, and they start reading. It's all about two guys making up after a fight. Chandler and Ross really apologize to each other, and Joey (in the play) thanks them for caring so much about him. Since the skit was so short, Chandler and Ross ask what Joey spent the rest of the day doing. He invented a new, more dangerous version of fireball!

Phoebe: comes into Central Perk ringing a giant bell. She tells everyone that she's going to spread Holiday cheer by taking donations for the Salvation Army. The group thinks it's awesome of her to volunteer. Phoebe's really excited, not just about the spreading of cheer, but because her Salvation Army donation post is at the front door of Macy's. She got such a good position, because she told the people at Salvation Army she could say Merry Christmas in twenty-five languages. Phoebe's Salvation Army gig goes really well at first. Monica comes by and Phoebe guilts her into donation a lot more than she intended. But Phoebe ends up getting in a fight with a guy who takes money out of the bucket. Her Salvation Army stint only gets worse. The next time she works, a girl throws her trash in the bucket. Then, a man throws a cigarette in. Phoebe grabs a drink out of a man's hand, throwing it on the smoldering donations. The once only smoking charity bursts into flame. Phoebe complains to Monica and Ross about how horrible people are. They've thrown their trash in the bucket, stole from it, and peed in it. Phoebe decides to be tougher, planning on acting like Street Phoebe. When she goes out collecting the next time, she's made a ton of warning signs to hang around the bucket. An old lady gives a donation, but Phoebe inspects it before allowing the woman to put it in. Phoebe finds some lint in the change and chases the lady away. As this is happening, Phoebe's boss from the Salvation Army arrives. He's brought another bell-ringer to replace Phoebe. They'd been getting a lot of bad reports about Phoebe.

Monica: says something sarcastic in Central Perk, which makes Phoebe comment that she's starting to act like Chandler. Chandler and Monica deny (at the same time, saying the same thing). She gets really tired of hearing Rachel moan over Danny, so she asks Danny out for Rachel. When Rachel comes home, after seeing Danny with another girl, Monica's got Chandler over. He's hiding out in her bedroom. When Rachel goes into her room, she smuggles Chandler out. She goes to Macy's to donate to the Salvation Army. Phoebe keeps commenting on how little she's contributing, but that she could buy an expensive coat and get her nails done. Monica ends up giving all the cash and change she has on her. She and Ross answer questions about wrestling when they were kids. Monica always won, but Ross says it was only because she was fat. They decide to end the discussion by staging a wrestling match (in a non-creepy, incestuous way). She's unbelievably grossed out by Danny and Krista during the sucking-pastry-off-her-finger-crotch-dabbing incident. At the end, Joey makes her and Rachel read a new play he's written. The play has the female characters getting, uh, intimate. When they realize, they refuse to keep reading.

• Hehehehe, prank calling Chandler!

If it's been going on for six months, you'd think he'd have realized it was Joey. Hell, he should've realized that for the very first call!

• In the DVD version of the prank, Joey says "I can seeeeeee you. You look sexy in your new suit." It's brilliant.

• Finally! Phoebe notices strange instances of Monica/Chandler intimacy!

It's about freaking time, people.

• I don't get why Danny agrees to go on a date withRachel, when only a few episodes before he was trying to set her up with Doug Benson. Y'know he just didn't seem that interested.
  

I guess that might be because he's got that 'special relationship' with his sister.
Every thing looks so damn festive.

• I think Joey'd be good at gay porn.

• Phoebe's such a good Salvation Army bell ringer.

That whole charitable thing fits her to a T.

• Are people really such d-bags with the Salvation Army buckets? I totally get why Phoebe's upset, but I definitely wouldn't react the same.

• The guy who takes money from the bucket is the pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean who says "Ello, poppet," when he finds Keira Knightley in the cupboard.

Y'know, the portly one who's friends with the one with the wooden eye.

• I feel that life at Chandler and Joey's is fraught with peril. Hammer darts? Fireball?

And by fraught with peril, I mean awesome.

• Flaming Charity

That kinda sounds like a great name for a band.

• Yeah, I have a brother and we've rough-housed, but not like this. And definitely not when I'm only wearing a button down and underwear.

That kinda stuff's reserved for my fiance.

• Ross really goes too far with making Joey write. It's because he's trying to be a good friend, yes, but Chandler's not wrong when he tells Ross he's only pushing Joey so hard because he's bored.

• Ross, you want Joey to write a play. Dude, your expectations are too high.

• Whenever I see this episode, I manage to convince myself these are Monica's pj's.

They are not.

• In what kinda Flowers in the Attic family is it okay to suck pastry off of your sister's finger?!

Ew, ew, ew.

• Random V.C. Andrews related side-note: "Eat the cookie, mother!!"

• I've always felt ridiculously bad for the old woman who accidentally donates lint.

Phoebe, you've officially gone round the bend.

• Yeah, the brother-sister bath time just takes the creepy to a whole new level.

I could take the wrestling and finger licking, but the bath is just an icky you can't erase.

• Joey's Chandler-and-Ross-make-up skit is so cute.
  

• Fear this

The Magna Doodle says:

"Shot", I think, but it's hard to read. There's something else written during Chandler and Ross's fight, but I can't make it out.

Oh. My. God.

"Hey, I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical."

"Hey, don't get religious on me, okay?" -Ross and Joey, when they're talking about how bored Ross is.

"Hey, you guys, guess what?"

"The British are coming?" -Phoebe and Chandler, when she comes into Central Perk ringing her Salvation Army bell.

"So this year, I'm going to do the whole city."

"Y'know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular." -Phoebe and Monica, discussing Phoebe's spreading of Christmas cheer.

"Bite me, blondie!" -the guy who steals from the Salvation Army bucket, to Phoebe.

"Well, you suck. But at least you suck at a man's game, now." -Joey, to Chandler, after he makes Chandler move the bowl and spoon further apart.

"Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts." -Joey, to Chandler, when Chandler urges him to be careful so they can get their security deposit back.

"A room. A man enters. He looks suspicious." -Ross, reading Joey's play.

"This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!" -Ross, to Joey, when he learns all he did that day was make up rules to fireball.

"No more Mrs. Nice Bucket!" -Phoebe, deciding to protect her bucket.

"In fact, I was undefeated."

"Uh, you weighed 200 pounds." -Monica and Ross, about when they used to wrestle.

"Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?"

"If it does, then you're an amazing friend of mine." -Chandler and Ross, during their fight.

"They're brother and sister!!!" -Joey, learning that Danny and Krista are siblings.

"And call their mother!" -Monica, when Rachel says she's going to end it with Danny.

"That chick can't handle my corner." -Phoebe, to the girl who's taking her Salvation Army spot.

"Alright, I'll give you one pointer: look out for that bitch. -Phoebe, to the girl who takes her corner, about the old lady who donates lint.

"Danny, hurry up! That bath is getting cold!" -Krista, to Danny.

"There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?"

"Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it, and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball." -Chandler and Ross, still fighting.

"Great! Now we can go to the Ranger game last night!" -Chandler, after Joey says he's finished his five pages for the day.

"Yeah, or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY." -Chandler, on why Joey got so much work done.

"Could I be more sorry."

"I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist." -Chandler and Ross, reading Joey's skit.

TOW: the Screamer

Rachel: decides to bring a date to Joey's play when she learns that Ross is bringing a date. She and Ross, plus their dates, arrive at the theater first. She introduces her date, Tommy (Ben Stiller), and goes to the restroom with Ross's date, Cailin (Laura Cayouette). She doesn't think anything is wrong with Tommy and plans to see him again. The gang is at Central Perk when Ross tells her that Tommy yelled at a couple of strangers at the play. Rachel doesn't believe him; she just thinks Ross is jealous she's dating someone else. Rachel leaves with Tommy, but they end up back at Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is on the phone, but Tommy needs it. Chandler tells Tommy he can use Chandler and Joey's phone. Tommy goes into Chandler and Joey's and picks up the chick, who poops in his hand. Tommy yells at the chick and then starts in on the duck. The gang (except Joey) bursts in to the apartment, catching Tommy in the act. Rachel and Tommy break up.

Ross: hesitatingly says he needs two tickets for the opening of Joey's play. He doesn't want it to be weird for Rachel and the others, if he brings a date. It's a woman he works with at the museum. He, Rachel, and their dates are the first to arrive at the theater. Rachel and Cailin go to the restroom, leaving Ross and Tommy to find their seats. Their seats are occupied by an older couple. Ross informs them they are in the wrong seats, but when the couple doesn't react immediately, Tommy screams at them. The couple scurries away and Ross is wary. After the play, Ross tells Chandler about Tommy yelling at the strangers, but Chandler doesn't take it seriously. He thinks Ross is upset that Rachel's dating someone else, so more inclined to dislike Tommy. Ross spends so much time waiting for Tommy to blow up again, that Cailin leaves. The group is at Central Perk and Rachel's waiting for Tommy. Ross tells her about Tommy yelling at the couple, but nobody takes him seriously. They all think he's jealous. Ross leaves and almost runs into Tommy, nearly spilling hot coffee on him. Tommy freaks at Ross, but no one notices. When Tommy goes into Central Perk, he's completely calm and Ross can't believe it. Later that evening, at Monica and Rachel's, Ross attempts to make Tommy yell by almost spilling coffee on him again, but Tommy laughs it off. Rachel scolds him for acting like there's something wrong with Tommy. Ross's proved right when Tommy is caught yelling at the chick and the duck.

Joey: has the opening night of his play. He gets comped tickets for all his friends, plus some dates. He's excited that everyone can meet Kate. Everyone hangs out and parties after the play; they're waiting for the first reviews. Joey tries to introduce Kate to everyone, but the director pulls her away. Joey introduces Lauren, who's still pretty upset about how Joey treated her. Estelle congratulates Joey and thinks that Monica and Rachel should act because of their looks. The director brings in the first review and reads it out loud. Joey's review is that "he's not the worst thing" about the play. Kate's review is bad, saying she's uneven. The director's review is so bad, he freaks out, blames the failure on the cast, and stalks out. After everyone leaves, Joey comforts a pretty drunk Kate. He tells her to ignore the reviews; that the critics are just people who couldn't make it in acting. The director broke up with her. Kate's upset she left a good job on a soap opera to be in the play. Joey offers to walk her home and she accepts. They end up kissing, but Joey stops it to ask what's up with Kate. He doesn't understand why she pushed him away in the first place. She tries to explain, but is sort of insulting about it. What she really means is that she should go for Joey because he's the sweetest. They almost kiss again, but Kate passes out. Joey lays her down and covers her up. He strolls into Monica and Rachel's the next morning, still in his clothes form the night before. He tells Monica about his night with Kate. Nothing sexual happened between them, but when Kate woke up, they spent the night talking. Monica says they had 'the night' where two people realize they like one another and share about their lives. Joey's really happy. He comes late to the next performance because of some problem with the chick and duck. He runs on stage to see Lauren in place of Kate. Lauren tells Joey that Kate's got a job in L.A. Joey's upset about it. Kate comes to say good-bye before the end of the play. She's going to be on General Hospital. Joey wants to go with her to the airport, but she says their isn't time. When Joey's character says good-bye to Lauren's, he's really talking to Kate.

Monica: is excited to have a boyfriend. That's pretty much it. She talks about how great Pete is, they have a lot of sex, and make dirty movies.

Phoebe: has a broken phone. The warranty is up in two days, so she calls the company to get the broken phone replaced before the warranty is up. She's on hold and refuses to put the phone down. They have to get ready for the play, but Phoebe thinks she's going to be the next caller put on with a representative. Later that evening, when Monica and Rachel get in, Phoebe's still on the phone. She missed Joey's play to stay on hold. She also moved all of Monica's stuff to Rachel's room and vice versa. She stays up all night on hold. Phoebe apologizes to Joey for missing his play, but she's really distracted with fatigue and waiting to get off hold. She's been on hold for two days. Monica's not happy with her because Pete keeps calling and Phoebe won't let him talk to Monica. Phoebe realizes that the two day call was not toll-free, but she doesn't hang up. Finally, everyone yells at her to hang up the phone. She does and the phone breaks.

Chandler: plays with the chick and duck a lot. Gunther delivers coffee to him from a girl at the bar, but takes it back because Chandler was the wrong person. He doesn't believe Ross that Tommy yelled at complete strangers.

• I don't have much to say about this episode. I like it okay, but it's nothing special. Except for Ben Stiller. But I he doesn't have much to do.

• Phoebe gets stuck in a sweater because she's too focused on her phone call.
  

She looks like a Fraggle, or something.

• Ugh, I'm still so sick of freaking Kate. SHE SUCKS. And, she mocks Joey when they first met because he was on soap, but she turned down General Hospital to be in the play. I'm so glad she leaves. Selfish bitch.

• Ben Stiller, I love.
  

• The director is an incredibly irritating character. But I like him for screaming "A plague on both your houses!" at Joey and Kate. Only because I heart Mercutio, though.
  

• I'm always disappointed that Joey's play is sooo dumb. Up til this point, it's seemed really serious, like an intense drama about this relationship between Vic and Adrienne. Instead, he travels through space to find other fuel sources. What?
  

Oh. My. God.

"Who's number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play." -Chandler, when Monica asks Ross who number two is.

"Oh Worm medicine for the duck." -Chandler, to Joey, after Joey says he used Chandler's cologne.

"Can you take a chick and a duck to the theater?" -Chandler, to Monica and Phoebe.

"Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face and her chest, I could really put something together."
"Could I borrow it?" -Estelle and Chandler, about Monica and Rachel's chance in the acting world.

" A plague on both your houses!" -the Director, to Kate and Joey.

"I swear your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play, is the next play I'm gonna see." -Phoebe, to Joey, after being on hold for a day.

"Yeah, and at the end of the play, he--he got up, y'know, and he just started like, banging his hands together!" -Chandler, to Ross, about Tommy.

"Step away from the duck." -Chandler, to Tommy, when everyone catches Tommy yelling at the chick and the duck.

"So you tell your great-great-great-great granddaughter to look me up because, Adrienne, baby, I'm gonna want to meet her." -Joey, in the play.