TOW: the Screamer

Rachel: decides to bring a date to Joey's play when she learns that Ross is bringing a date. She and Ross, plus their dates, arrive at the theater first. She introduces her date, Tommy (Ben Stiller), and goes to the restroom with Ross's date, Cailin (Laura Cayouette). She doesn't think anything is wrong with Tommy and plans to see him again. The gang is at Central Perk when Ross tells her that Tommy yelled at a couple of strangers at the play. Rachel doesn't believe him; she just thinks Ross is jealous she's dating someone else. Rachel leaves with Tommy, but they end up back at Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is on the phone, but Tommy needs it. Chandler tells Tommy he can use Chandler and Joey's phone. Tommy goes into Chandler and Joey's and picks up the chick, who poops in his hand. Tommy yells at the chick and then starts in on the duck. The gang (except Joey) bursts in to the apartment, catching Tommy in the act. Rachel and Tommy break up.

Ross: hesitatingly says he needs two tickets for the opening of Joey's play. He doesn't want it to be weird for Rachel and the others, if he brings a date. It's a woman he works with at the museum. He, Rachel, and their dates are the first to arrive at the theater. Rachel and Cailin go to the restroom, leaving Ross and Tommy to find their seats. Their seats are occupied by an older couple. Ross informs them they are in the wrong seats, but when the couple doesn't react immediately, Tommy screams at them. The couple scurries away and Ross is wary. After the play, Ross tells Chandler about Tommy yelling at the strangers, but Chandler doesn't take it seriously. He thinks Ross is upset that Rachel's dating someone else, so more inclined to dislike Tommy. Ross spends so much time waiting for Tommy to blow up again, that Cailin leaves. The group is at Central Perk and Rachel's waiting for Tommy. Ross tells her about Tommy yelling at the couple, but nobody takes him seriously. They all think he's jealous. Ross leaves and almost runs into Tommy, nearly spilling hot coffee on him. Tommy freaks at Ross, but no one notices. When Tommy goes into Central Perk, he's completely calm and Ross can't believe it. Later that evening, at Monica and Rachel's, Ross attempts to make Tommy yell by almost spilling coffee on him again, but Tommy laughs it off. Rachel scolds him for acting like there's something wrong with Tommy. Ross's proved right when Tommy is caught yelling at the chick and the duck.

Joey: has the opening night of his play. He gets comped tickets for all his friends, plus some dates. He's excited that everyone can meet Kate. Everyone hangs out and parties after the play; they're waiting for the first reviews. Joey tries to introduce Kate to everyone, but the director pulls her away. Joey introduces Lauren, who's still pretty upset about how Joey treated her. Estelle congratulates Joey and thinks that Monica and Rachel should act because of their looks. The director brings in the first review and reads it out loud. Joey's review is that "he's not the worst thing" about the play. Kate's review is bad, saying she's uneven. The director's review is so bad, he freaks out, blames the failure on the cast, and stalks out. After everyone leaves, Joey comforts a pretty drunk Kate. He tells her to ignore the reviews; that the critics are just people who couldn't make it in acting. The director broke up with her. Kate's upset she left a good job on a soap opera to be in the play. Joey offers to walk her home and she accepts. They end up kissing, but Joey stops it to ask what's up with Kate. He doesn't understand why she pushed him away in the first place. She tries to explain, but is sort of insulting about it. What she really means is that she should go for Joey because he's the sweetest. They almost kiss again, but Kate passes out. Joey lays her down and covers her up. He strolls into Monica and Rachel's the next morning, still in his clothes form the night before. He tells Monica about his night with Kate. Nothing sexual happened between them, but when Kate woke up, they spent the night talking. Monica says they had 'the night' where two people realize they like one another and share about their lives. Joey's really happy. He comes late to the next performance because of some problem with the chick and duck. He runs on stage to see Lauren in place of Kate. Lauren tells Joey that Kate's got a job in L.A. Joey's upset about it. Kate comes to say good-bye before the end of the play. She's going to be on General Hospital. Joey wants to go with her to the airport, but she says their isn't time. When Joey's character says good-bye to Lauren's, he's really talking to Kate.

Monica: is excited to have a boyfriend. That's pretty much it. She talks about how great Pete is, they have a lot of sex, and make dirty movies.

Phoebe: has a broken phone. The warranty is up in two days, so she calls the company to get the broken phone replaced before the warranty is up. She's on hold and refuses to put the phone down. They have to get ready for the play, but Phoebe thinks she's going to be the next caller put on with a representative. Later that evening, when Monica and Rachel get in, Phoebe's still on the phone. She missed Joey's play to stay on hold. She also moved all of Monica's stuff to Rachel's room and vice versa. She stays up all night on hold. Phoebe apologizes to Joey for missing his play, but she's really distracted with fatigue and waiting to get off hold. She's been on hold for two days. Monica's not happy with her because Pete keeps calling and Phoebe won't let him talk to Monica. Phoebe realizes that the two day call was not toll-free, but she doesn't hang up. Finally, everyone yells at her to hang up the phone. She does and the phone breaks.

Chandler: plays with the chick and duck a lot. Gunther delivers coffee to him from a girl at the bar, but takes it back because Chandler was the wrong person. He doesn't believe Ross that Tommy yelled at complete strangers.

• I don't have much to say about this episode. I like it okay, but it's nothing special. Except for Ben Stiller. But I he doesn't have much to do.

• Phoebe gets stuck in a sweater because she's too focused on her phone call.
  

She looks like a Fraggle, or something.

• Ugh, I'm still so sick of freaking Kate. SHE SUCKS. And, she mocks Joey when they first met because he was on soap, but she turned down General Hospital to be in the play. I'm so glad she leaves. Selfish bitch.

• Ben Stiller, I love.
  

• The director is an incredibly irritating character. But I like him for screaming "A plague on both your houses!" at Joey and Kate. Only because I heart Mercutio, though.
  

• I'm always disappointed that Joey's play is sooo dumb. Up til this point, it's seemed really serious, like an intense drama about this relationship between Vic and Adrienne. Instead, he travels through space to find other fuel sources. What?
  

Oh. My. God.

"Who's number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play." -Chandler, when Monica asks Ross who number two is.

"Oh Worm medicine for the duck." -Chandler, to Joey, after Joey says he used Chandler's cologne.

"Can you take a chick and a duck to the theater?" -Chandler, to Monica and Phoebe.

"Ooh, what a shame! Because with her face and her chest, I could really put something together."
"Could I borrow it?" -Estelle and Chandler, about Monica and Rachel's chance in the acting world.

" A plague on both your houses!" -the Director, to Kate and Joey.

"I swear your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play, is the next play I'm gonna see." -Phoebe, to Joey, after being on hold for a day.

"Yeah, and at the end of the play, he--he got up, y'know, and he just started like, banging his hands together!" -Chandler, to Ross, about Tommy.

"Step away from the duck." -Chandler, to Tommy, when everyone catches Tommy yelling at the chick and the duck.

"So you tell your great-great-great-great granddaughter to look me up because, Adrienne, baby, I'm gonna want to meet her." -Joey, in the play.

TOW: a Chick and a Duck

Chandler and Joey: Joey's been upset for days because of things with Kate. Chandler and Ross have plans to go out, and Chandler invites Joey along to cheer him up. Joey declines the offer. After Ross and Chandler leave, Joey sees a news report about people adopting chicks as Easter gifts. The point of the news report is that many of the chicks don't survive because of improper care, but that's lost on Joey. He calls to adopt a chick. Phoebe and Chandler are hanging out when Joey comes in with a box for Chandler. Chandler opens it to find a chick. Phoebe cautions them about how hard taking care of the chick will be, but Joey's not listening; he's too busy cuddling with the chick. Chandler sings to the chick while it's in a pen made out of Lincoln Logs. Joey comes home and they decide to try and check the chick's gender. They don't find out anything definitive. Joey plans on going out with some cast members for drinks, but Chandler gets angry. He called in to work so he could stay with the chick all day, and doesn't think Joey should be going out. They argue like a married couple with a new baby. Then they discuss how having the chick has put a strain on their friendship. Chandler decides he's going to take the chick back the next day. Chandler and the chick watch Baywatch together. Chandler talks to the chick about Yasmine Bleeth. Joey comes home and wants to know why they still have the chick. Chandler explains that he took the chick back to the store, but the store wouldn't take her back. Then he took her to the shelter, but learned the shelter would put the chick down if they couldn't find a home for her. He's so upset about the shelter's kill policy that he ends up bringing home a duck. The duck gets in trouble and has to be put out in the hall for 'time out.' Chandler lets the duck play in the bathtub. Joey decides to see if the chick swims. It does not.

Ross and Rachel: Rachel and Phoebe help Monica learn how to roller skate. Rachel's distracted when Gunther brings her hot chocolate, and Monica runs into her, knocking them both down. Ross tells Chandler and Joey that he's going to be on TV for the Discovery Channel. They're having some documentary about a new dinosaur bone, and Ross's going to be interviewed. He's really excited about it. Rachel's side hurts really bad from the fall. As she and Monica are discussing the pain, Ross comes in to tell them about the documentary, but he never gets a chance to. He's wearing a really ridiculous white suit and Monica and Rachel tease him. He leaves with out telling them his news. The night of the interview, Ross goes to Chandler and Joey's to find out which of two suits he should wear. They don't know, so he goes to Monica and Rachel's. Rachel's been trying to take some aspirin, but her side hurts too badly for her to easily open the bottle. As Ross opens the apartment door, the aspirin bottle explodes open. Ross attempts to talk her in to going to the hospital, but Rachel declines. She has a dinner at her boss's she has to get ready for. Rachel asks Ross to help her get ready. Ross does Rachel's make-up; it doesn't go well. Even though the make-up looks awful, Rachel decides to leave it the way it is. Ross starts to leave, but Rachel asks for his help getting dressed. She's uncomfortable with him seeing her naked, and he makes fun of her, since he's seen her naked so often. To aggravate her, he closes his eyes and says he's picturing her naked. Rachel gives in and starts to undress, but Ross enjoys it a little too much. She closes her robe back up and tells him to leave. She reaches for her clothes, but it hurts a lot. Ross tells her she has to go to the hospital and she agrees. She asks him to go with her. He calls off his interview, but Rachel doesn't realize. As they come back from the hospital they run into Chandler in the hall. Chandler asks about the interview. Rachel asks Ross what Chandler was talking about and Ross tells her about the documentary. Rachel tells him it was sweet of him to go with her. They have a bit of a moment, but Ross leaves. He sits out in the hall, where Chandler finds him.

Monica: has to learn to roller skate for the diner. A comment in one of the diner's suggestion boxes was that the servers should skate. Monica's really bad at it. She falls on Rachel, most likely breaking one of Rachel's ribs. She's at work, on the roller skates, when Pete comes in. He'd been on a business trip to Japan. He brings her Japanese hotel toiletries. Pete tells Monica that he bought a restaurant and wants Monica to be the head chef. Later that evening, Monica tells Rachel about Pete's offer. Monica doesn't feel comfortable accepting because she knows Pete has feelings for her, and she still isn't attracted to him. Phoebe's at the diner with Monica the next time Pete comes in. Monica lets Pete know that she isn't going to accept his offer. Pete tells her that he met someone on his trip, so his feelings for Monica are know longer an issue. Monica decides to take the job and skates back to the office to quit. Monica runs into Phoebe in Central Perk before she's supposed to check the restaurant out with Pete. Phoebe hints that she knows something important to Monica, but she can't tell Monica what it is. Monica tries to guess, but doesn't get it for awhile. She finally figures out it has something to do with Pete, but she doesn't know exactly what it is. She inspects the kitchen of the restaurant and really loves it. She gives Pete a hug and when she does, he smells her hair. Monica realizes that Pete still has feelings for her. She tells him she can't accept the job if he has feelings for her because she doesn't want to hurt him. She kisses him on the cheek, but he moves to kiss her on the lips. There's a definite spark between them and she kisses him some more.

Phoebe: gave the diner the suggestion that the servers should be on skates. She has a conversation with Chandler about how long it took for her suggestion to come into affect; he suggested the servers should be topless. Phoebe tells Chandler and Joey that taking care of the chick'll be really difficult, but they don't listen. She's at the diner with Monica when Pete tells Monica he met someone else. When Monica goes into the back to quit, Phoebe calls Pete out for making up a woman. Pete admits that he did make up the relationship, but asks Phoebe not to tell Monica. He's hoping that if she works at the restaurant and he gets to spend a lot of time with her, she'll start wanting him. Phoebe agrees not to tell. She runs into Monica before Monica's supposed to meet Pete at the restaurant. Phoebe hints to Monica that she knows a secret, but she can't tell Monica. Monica guess all kinds of things to find out what the secret is. She finally guesses it has something to do with Pete. Phoebe tries to charade it out for Monica, but Monica doesn't get it and has to leave.

• Is it weird that I totally see what Joey means when he says Chandler looks like Satan?

He's like a pitchfork and a bifurcated tail away. Bifurcate may be one of the best words of all time.

• Hypothetically, I think it'd be awesome to have a chick and a duck. In reality, though, they sorta ick me out. Parasites, y'know?

• I'm so sick of hearing about Kate. She's a bitch.
  

• The keep the chick in a Lincoln Log pen. It totally makes sense that Chandler and Joey would have a set of Lincoln Logs just lying around

I irrationally dislike Lincoln Logs. I could never make them work right.

• Rachel seems to get hurt a lot. She gets run down by a woman for a taxi, she falls off the balcony and sprains her ankle, she busts her head open trying to hide from Ross and Julie at the airport, and now she has a broken rib from Monica falling on her.
  

• Oh, they never actually say if she broke a rib or not. I guess we just have to assume.

• Part of me feels like I should be offended by Pete buying a restaurant and asking Monica to be head chef, just so he can spend time with her, but I'm really not. I should also be creeped out that he asks Phoebe not to tell Monica he still has feeling for her and made up a woman, but again, I'm really not.

• Ross's make-up applying skillz.

• The white suit.
  

Is it just me or is the reference to Eli Whitney, creator of the cotton gin, really random?

Oh. My. God.

"Y'know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan."
"Oh, so that's why that priest threw holy water on me." -Joey and Chandler, discussing Chandler's new look.

"What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?" -Rachel, to Monica, after hearing about Pete's head chef offer.

"Got a job on a river boat?" -Rachel, to Ross, who's wearing a white suit.

"Oh, I see, so this suit is making a point. Now that you're on you're own, you're free to look as stupid as you like." -Rachel, to Ross, after he explains he stopped wearing the suit because Rachel didn't like it.

"I like it even more on you than I did on Colonel Sanders." -Monica, to Ross, about his suit.

"Oh! Was it how you invented the cotton gin?" -Rachel, to Ross, still about the suit.

"Fowl? No. Women? Nooo." -Chandler, to Phoebe, answering if he knows anything about chicks.

"Easy, Lennie." -Chandler, to Joey, as Joey cuddles the chick.

"Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh." -Pete, to Monica, about his new woman.

"I'm just saying, this woman. I mean, she's fictitious, no?" -Phoebe, to Pete, about his woman.

"I can't tell. What ever it was went back in too quickly." -Chandler, to Joey, about the chick's gender.

"And you don't think taking care of our chick is work?" -Chandler, to Joey, who's planning to go out for drinks after a long day of work.

"Wow! That aspirin dance really works!" -Ross, to Rachel, after she explodes aspirin around the room.

"Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?" -Chandler, to Ross and Rachel.

"Sophisticated like a hooker?" -Rachel, to Ross, as he's doing her make-up.

"Does it have to do with--with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed?" -Monica, to Phoebe, trying to figure out the secret.

"Okay, I feel like I'm talking to Lassie." -Monica, to Phoebe.

"Okay, now when you come back I hope you remember that hat chick is not a toy!" -Chandler, scolding the duck.