TOW: Ross Moves In

Chandler, Joey, and Ross: Joey's in Central Perk with Chandler, reading National Geographic and laughing at a pig with big boobs, when Ross comes in. Emily's cousin, who he and Emily planned to sublet their apartment from, has kicked Ross out, and now he doesn't have anywhere to live. He asks Chandler and Joey if he can live with them for a bit, and they agree. Chandler and Joey come home one evening, to find their place full of boxes from Ross moving in. They invite Ross to put his name on the answering machine out going message, but Ross already has. Their message is now set to "We Will Rock You." Chandler and Joey are not pleased. Joey makes a fort out of all of Ross's boxes. Chandler finds Ross's air purifier, which makes him seriously unhappy. He had to listen to Ross's air purifier all through college, finding it completely irritating. Joey and Ross are alone at the apartment together. Joey's fidgety, really wanting to do something, but Ross is working. Whenever Joey makes noise, Ross does a 'quiet down' gesture. Chandler comes home, and Joey drags him into his bedroom (where they had to move the foosball table) to complain about Ross. Joey can't stand the 'quiet down' gesture, and can't do anything without Ross scolding him. Chandler encourages him to chill, because Ross's going through a hard time. They start playing foosball, and Ross comes in, doing the 'quiet down' gesture. Chandler and Joey agree that they can't stand living with Ross for any longer. All three of them hang out in Central Perk, reading the newspaper. Joey and Chandler force Ross to look at the apartment listings. One of them, a studio apartment, available right away, is circled. Chandler and Joey force Ross to look at the apartment. None of them are impressed-the place is tiny- but Chandler and Joey strongly urge Ross to take it. Ross understands what's going on, and goes down to put in an application. Chandler and Joey start feeling a little bad. They go back home, without Ross, still feeling bad about Ross and the apartment. The phone rings, Joey answers, and it's the landlord for the apartment building Ross applied to live in; Ross listed Chandler and Joey as references. Joey starts telling the landlord good things about Ross, but Chandler takes the phone. He tells the landlord that Ross has a dog and tap dances. The landlord doesn't mind either of those things, so Chandler tells him that Ross is a pimp. Chandler and Joey are playing around in the apartment, when Ross comes in. He tells them that his application was denied, but he's going to move in with Phoebe. Chandler and Joey beg him not to move in with Phoebe, but to stay with them. Ross is reluctant at first, but soon agrees. Chandler comes home to see another box fort in the living room. Joey pops up wearing a cowboy hat, urging Chandler to play in the fort. Chandler makes fun of him, until Ross pops up wearing a Native American head-dress. Chandler joins them, and gets to wear a bonnet.

Monica and Rachel: They're hanging out in Central Perk, when Rachel asks Monica how Ross is doing since he and Emily decided to divorce. Monica's worried that Rachel's going to start chasing after Ross again, but Rachel assures her she's just curious; plus, she's not interested in dating recently divorced men. The conversation is interrupted when Monica notices Danny standing at the counter; she asks what's going on with Danny and Rachel, but Rachel hasn't been out with him since they got pizza. They greet Danny, and he tells them he's having a housewarming party in a couple of days. He's excited about it, but doesn't invite Monica and Rachel. Rachel decides that Danny's trying to get her to ask him out, because then he'll have the power in the relationship. Not inviting Rachel to the party was a way of getting her interest, in the hopes that she would ask him out. Danny eventually comes over to Monica and Rachel's, to invite them to the party. Rachel declines the invitation, telling Danny she has to go to a regatta gala. After Danny leaves, Monica asks Rachel what she's doing, because all she wanted was Danny to ask her to the party, now he has and she said no. Rachel said no to keep the power. The night of the party, Danny comes by the apartment looking for a ladle, and Rachel's forced to hide because she's supposed to be at the gala. Around time for the party to start, Rachel gets all dressed up to seem like she's coming back from the gala. She and Monica head down to Danny's place, but find that the party's spilled into the hallway. Rachel needs to get down the stairs, to pretend like she's just coming up from the gala. She makes Monica distract Danny as she attempts to get further downstairs. When they're done with this subterfuge, Danny tells Rachel he's glad she stopped by, and asks her to stay where she is. Rachel's excited, because she thinks Danny wants to spend time with her. Instead, Danny brings a guy (Doug Benson) over that he wanted to hook Rachel up with. When Danny leaves, Rachel decides that Danny put the guy up to it.

Phoebe: goes with Monica during a health inspection at the restaurant. Phoebe thinks the inspector, Larry (Gregory Sporleder), is cute. She ends up giving him her number, and they start dating. On their first date, Phoebe can't stop looking at Larry's inspector badge. Larry excuses himself to use the restroom, but quickly returns because he saw several violations on his way to the restroom. He closes the restaurant down, which Phoebe thinks is hot. The next day, Phoebe tells Monica about the restaurant closing. Monica's disappointed, because she liked that restaurant a lot. Monica and Rachel offer to share their Chinese food with Phoebe, but Phoebe refuses once she hears where it's from. Joey comes into Monica and Rachel's, looking for food because the place he wanted to eat at had been closed. Phoebe laughs, telling him that she went there with Larry and he shut it down. Joey wants to know where they're supposed to eat, if Larry's going to close everything. Phoebe meets Larry in Central Perk for a date. Larry starts noticing that Central Perk has a lot of violations, and then Gunther comes from the back carrying trash. Larry tells Gunther this is a violation. Phoebe quickly steps in, telling Larry that he has to stop being the health inspector all the time; if he doesn't they won't be able to eat anywhere. Larry agrees, and Gunther scurries away.

• Eh, I can't blame Joey for laughing at the naked tribes ladies in National Geographic.

A pig's a little weird, though.

• Ross's hair.
  

Proving it can always get worse since 1994.

• Larry the Health Inspector is a such a doof.

• I don't get why Rachel always becomes totally unhinged when she gets a crush.
  

The whole, Danny-playing-hard-to-get, thing she decides is utterly absurd.

• It seems like there was something going on in the late nineties where everyone felt the need to sing on their answering machine.

• I could never date a health inspector. I wouldn't even want to hang out with a health inspector.

• I love Joey's box fort!

• Do they even have regatta gala's anymore? And Rachel totally sails because she teaches Joey.

• How does Ross have any friends?

• He may be irritating, but it's super sad when he realizes Chandler and Joey are trying to get rid of him.

• I think the Friends writers missed a great opportunity with the Ross-as-pimp storyline.

• Why do Monica's clothes never match?

• Hey! That guy Danny wants to set Rachel up with is Doug Benson! He does stuff on VH1 all the time!

I--I went through a phase where all I watched was VH1. What?

• Oh my God, I love that Chandler spins Joey in the chair!

• Fort Friends!!

The Magna Doodle Says:

No Girls Allowed

Oh. My. God.

"Are you looking at naked tribes women?" -Chandler, to Joey, after catching him giggling at a National Geographic.

"But you have to promise to tell me the second you are feeling better, so that we can make fun of your hair!" -Chandler, to Ross.

"He thought you said 'gonad'." -Chandler, to Ross, when Joey starts giggling uncontrollably.

"I'd let him check out my kitchen floors." -Phoebe, to Monica, about Larry.

"Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married." - Monica, to Rachel, during their conversation about Ross.

"Well, I guess we won't be warming his house." -Monica, to Rachel, when Danny fails to invite them to his housewarming party.

"You're fake laughing, too, right?"

"Oh, the tears are real." -Joey and Chandler, after hearing Ross's "We Will Rock You" answering machine greeting.

"Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!" -Joey, to Chandler.

"So the ball is in his court?"

"Ball? There is no ball." -Monica and Rachel, having a strange conversation re: Danny.

"Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?" -Chandler, to Joey, when Joey demonstrates Ross's 'quiet down' thing.

"What? What kind of regatta gala starts at night?!"

"The fake kind!" -Rachel and Monica, when Danny stops by for a ladle.

"Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, 'See you ladle'." -Phoebe, after Danny leaves with the ladle.

"Yeah, well look at this kitchen-slash-bathroom. Well, that's great. Y'know, so you can cook while in the tub." -Chandler, to Ross, about the amenities of the apartment they want Ross to take.

"You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?" -Joey, to Chandler.

"He's a big, tap dancing pimp!" -Chandler, to the landlord when he calls about Ross.

"Alright, whose court is the ball in now?"

"I thought there wasn't a ball." -Rachel and Monica, with the balls again.

"Well, I see you've had a productive day." -Chandler, to Joey, when he finds Joey in the fort wearing a cowboy hat.

"Isn't this a woman's hat?"

"Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!" -Chandler and Joey, in the fort.

TOW: the Yeti

Monica and Rachel: go down to the apartment building's storage room. Rachel wants waffles, and Monica's waffle iron is down there. It's really creepy, crowded, and dark in the storage room; both of them are a little freaked out. Monica finds the waffle iron under a can of bug bomb. They grab the waffle iron, turn to leave, and are cornered by a shaggy-haired, ax wielding, beast. They spray him with the bug bomb, and run away. They go to Central Perk to tell the others what happened, and end up saying that their attacker was like a yeti or bigfoot, because of all his hair. Joey wants to know more about the so-called yeti, so Monica and Rachel describe what he looked like. Joey tells them that their yeti was actually Danny, a guy who just moved into the building after being out on a four month nature adventure; he's actually a very nice guy. Monica and Rachel go to Danny's apartment to apologize for fogging him with bug spray. Rachel knocks, Danny (George Newbern) answers, she apologizes, and he's very abrupt. They do this several times, with Monica and Rachel becoming more agitated each time. Neither of them understand why he's being rude about their apology. Another day, Rachel's getting the mail at the apartment, and notices a really attractive guy. They smile and greet one another before Rachel realizes that it's Danny sans long, shaggy hair. She apologizes again for the fogging incident, and explains it's because he looked scary. He accepts her apology, saying he knows that some people are all about looks. Rachel's offended by this, and starts correcting him because he really knows nothing about her. He's abrupt, walking off to his apartment. Rachel follows him, still yelling. He invites her out for pizza, and she agrees, albeit a little confusedly. Rachel goes home after the pizza to find everyone, including Ross, over. She tells them all about her date with the yeti, then declines their offer to hang out. She doesn't want to get Ross in trouble by spending time with him. Ross and Joey beg her to stick around, and she agrees. So, of course, Emily calls.

Joey, Ross, and Chandler: Joey walks in on Chandler and Monica making out in his apartment. He scolds them because if he's going to pretend nothing's going on, they need to act like there's nothing to know. He chases them out of the apartment by telling them he can still hear them kiss, even once he's gone into his room. Ross hands out fliers in Central Perk; he's getting rid of all of his stuff. Monica asks him about what's going on, and he explains that Emily wants them to start their lives over with all new stuff. Everyone knows that it's because Emily wants to get rid of everything associated with Rachel. Joey's not dealing well with the situation between Ross, Rachel, and Emily. He hates that every thing's changing with the group. Joey's certain that once Emily gets to New York, Ross won't be hanging out with them anymore because of Rachel. Monica makes Joey promise not to say anything to Ross, because they want him to be happy and for things to work out with Emily. Joey promises, but not happily. Another day in Central Perk, Ross gets off the phone with Emily, and tells everyone that they're getting a new apartment. It's pretty far away from where the group congregates, and Joey freaks out, but is able to tone it down. Ross is trying to be okay with the move, even if it is far from the museum. Once Ross leaves, Joey complains a lot about the move. Everyone besides Rachel helps Ross move. Joey and Ross end up alone, and Ross starts reminiscing about all the good times he had in his apartment; he doesn't really want to move. Since Ross isn't happy about moving, Joey decides to speak his mind. Joey tells Ross that Emily isn't being fair to him. The others come back up, and Phoebe makes Joey stop talking. He defends himself because he only spoke up when Ross indicated he was unhappy. Ross really has no clue what's going on, and asks the others to explain. Joey's a little extreme about their feelings for Emily, so Monica and Chandler step in. They just feel that Emily's making Ross make a lot of sacrifices, and that Ross isn't getting much in return. Ross yells at them, because they're immature and not married, so they don't know what it takes to make a marriage work. The others go to Central Perk to mope. Joey says that what happened with Ross feels like his fault. Chandler tells him it is his fault, and Joey's quick to remind him that it's hard to keep all this secret stuff to himself. Chandler's suddenly very understanding of why Joey spoke up. They end up going back to Ross's to apologize. He's still pretty pissed at them, but they're able to patch things up. Monica invites him over to her place for dinner; she's planning on making his favorite meal. At dinner, Joey apologizes some more about what he said; going on about how he's an actor with a lot going on and is really emotional. Ross and Joey convince Rachel to hang out with them for dinner. They eat, see Ugly Naked Guy, and Monica mentions how it's the last time they all might be together. The phone rings, it's Emily calling for Ross. Ross has everyone say 'hi,' and puts Emily on speaker phone. Emily asks who she's talking to, and Joey says it definitely isn't Rachel. Emily's a bitch, saying that Ross should know better than to spend time with Rachel. Everyone gets upset and awkward; Rachel heads toward her room. Ross tells Emily that Rachel's with them, and Emily's super pissed. Ross goes out onto the balcony to talk to her. Emily's sure Ross can't stay away from Rachel, but before Ross can explain, Joey picks up the phone and tries to make a call. Once that's straightened out, Ross tells Emily he's doing a lot to make her happy, all he wants now his for her to get to New York. She agrees that'd be for the best, thinking that she'll feel better when she can always know what he's doing. Ross tells her there's no way she can know that, and says without trust they can't have a marriage. Emily tells Ross she can't trust him. Inside, Joey's explaining to everyone why he thinks the phone call's going well. He thinks Ross's smiling, and Joey demonstrates how you can tell facial expressions when someone's back is toward you. Ross hangs up, goes inside, and tells the others his marriage is over. Phoebe covers him with her fur coat. Rachel asks what they can do for him. Ross responds by asking them to get his furniture from Gunther.

Phoebe: gets a big box from Phoebe Two. It's a family heirloom, something Phoebe's grandma owned. Phoebe's really excited about what it could be, ripping the box open to find out. She pulls out a big fur coat, which she throws at Joey out of surprise. Joey really likes it, but Phoebe's freaking out because she doesn't wear fur. Phoebe isn't sure what to do with the coat, and really can't belive her mom gave it to her. Joey thinks the coat is awesome, and puts it on. Chandler makes fun of him. She's go to Monica and Rachel's, finally having some idea about what to do with the coat. She's got a friend who owns a crematory, who will cremate it for free. Rachel sees the coat for the first time during this conversation, and thinks it's awesome. She's horrified about Phoebe wanting to cremate it. Phoebe takes the coat from Rachel, putting it on to make a point about how horrible and selfish it is to wear fur. While wearing the coat, Phoebe realizes how warm and comfortable it is. She has to explain to everyone why she's started wearing fur. She defends her choice by saying that minks are mean. Monica asks if that means they deserve to die. Phoebe tells them it's the warmest, most comfortable thing she's ever worn. Phoebe goes to a newsstand wearing the coat, and thinks a squirrel is criticizing her for wearing fur. She can't handle it anymore, and gives the coat up.

• Uh-oh, Phoebe's got a fur coat!

I don't get why it's such a big deal. She doesn't have to wear it; she could just hang it in her closet, keeping it for sentimental, heirloom value.

• Gunther tells Ross he can't put up his flier about all the stuff he's selling. Other people are allowed to put up fliers, just not Ross.

• But then Gunther takes all the stuff Ross's selling anyway, because Rachel used it, touched it, or otherwise interacted with it.

Gunther's, like, a few steps away from being a serial killer.

• I've always enjoyed that Joey's the one who gets so upset about what's happening with the group because of Emily. It gives him a nice emotional depth.

• Uh, why does Monica keep her waffle iron in the storage room?

• The yeti!!!!!! Run for your lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• I find it admirable that Monica and Rachel immediately go up to apologize to Danny for bug bombing him. If it were me, I'd probably be too embarrassed to ever face him again.

• I don't get Rachel wearing all these outfits with flower embroidery.

This would be sooo cute without the flowers!

• His dismissiveness, though? Not endearing.

• Okay, my biggest issue with fur coats? I mean, I'm not big on senselessly killing animals for a coat, but gah, are they ugly. I will always see them as matted, smelly, pelts of grossness.

Case in point: Victoria from Twlight

So dirty.

• I'm glad Joey speaks up. Someone needed to. Emily's totally unreasonable, and Ross is so focused on making everything right, that he can't see it. No, the others aren't married, but they're able to see what Ross ignores.

• Danny's pretty cute without his mountain man look.
  

But, seriously, dude, if somebody comes at me in the dark, with an ax, I'd bug bomb him, too.

• I swear I once had a scrunchie made of this material.

• Aw, Ugly Naked Guy's back! I, uh, didn't even realize he'd gone anywhere.

• Emily, I'm going to give you a little pointer, people don't like it when you bitch about one of their friends. It's awkward. And won't make you any more popular. As a matter of fact, everyone will hate and resent you.

• Way to go Ross, speaking up for Rachel!

• I don't understand how Emily could go from the cool British chick of season four, to the heinous bitch of season five. I understand that she's threatened by Rachel and the relationship she had with Ross, but Ross never behaves inappropriately with Rachel. Ross makes a lot of sacrifices for Emily, but Emily's not interested in doing much for him. Like maybe getting the fact that Rachel's one of Ross's best friends, and it's not easy to let someone like that go.

• Uh, I think you can tell facial expressions when someone's back is turned. When someone smiles their ears move up.

I'd like to quickly point out how enormous Ross's hair is.

• I feel bad for Ross. He tries so hard to make it work. He deserves better than Emily.

The Magna Doodle says:

WHY?

Oh. My. God.

"Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman!" Joey, after Chandler asks him about an audition.

"Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!"

"Yeah, just some nine year old Filipino kids, who worked their fingers bloody for twelve cents an hour." -Phoebe and Chandler, after Phoebe gets her fur coat.

"So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale."

"Touched. Used. Sat on. Slept on." -Monica and Ross, on why Emily's making him sell his stuff.

"Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Sylvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green." -Phoebe, to Ross, about how bad Emily could be to him.

"What, Emily thinks Ross's furniture has Rachel cooties?" -Joey, expressing his disgust with Emily.

"Yeah, I know, we're losing Ross. Joey said 'hence'." -Chandler, about all the changes going on in their lives.

"Oh, here it is! Right underneath the can of--of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison?" -Monica, finding her waffle iron.

"Oh my God!! Fog him! Fog him!" -Monica, when they're faced with the yeti.

"You're on in five, Ms. Minnelli." -Chandler, to Joey, when he puts on Phoebe's coat.

"Now, that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum." -Chandler, to Ross, after Ross says his new work commute will give him the gift of time.

"Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab, and I fogged his yeti ass!" -Rachel, about the yeti encounter.

"He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog!" -Monica, to Joey, after Joey explains about Danny.

"Crematorium Chris? Sure!" -Monica, to Phoebe, about Phoebe's crematory owning friend.

"If you destroy a coat like this, that is like a crime against nature! Not nature. Fashion!" -Rachel, to Phoebe, on why she can't cremate the coat.

"Okay, what is in here? Rocks?"

"No--no, this is my collection of fossil samples."

"So, rocks." -Chandler and Ross, when they're helping Ross move.

"We all hate Emily." -Joey, to Ross.

"I think he's right. You guys hand out at the coffeehouse way too much." -Phoebe, after Ross says that life isn't about hanging out at Central Perk all the time.

"Pheebs, are you wearing fur?"

"Okay, let's get some perspective people! It's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!" -Ross and Phoebe, when everyone goes over to Ross's to apologize.

"That yeti is one smooth talker." -Rachel, on how she ended up having pizza with Danny.

"I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together."

"It's almost as if he knew." -Monica and Joey, when they see Ugly Naked Guy.

"Well, uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here, and that's Rachel!"

"Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now." -Joey and Emily. Bitch.