TOW: the Cop

Phoebe: digs in the chair cushions at Central Perk to find change for the tip, instead she finds a policeman's badge. Rachel tells her she has to turn the badge in, and Phoebe agrees. When she leaves the coffee house, she sees a woman (Nicole Robinson) putting out her cigarette against a tree. Phoebe's horrified, confronting the woman. The chick doesn't care, but Phoebe pulls out the badge, threatening to arrest her unless she apologizes to the tree. The woman apologizes. Phoebe tells Chandler and Monica all of the good deeds she's done since she's found the cops badge. They're glad she's doing good things, but impersonating a cop is a pretty serious crime. They encourage her to go ahead and turn the the badge in. Phoebe realizes she' drunk with power, and goes to turn the badge in. Phoebe's going into Central Perk, but there's a car parked on the curb, right in front of the door. Phoebe confronts the guy (Michael Rapaport), pulling out the badge. The guy tells her he's a cop, too, and asks her about her precinct. Phoebe makes up some stuff, answering his questions with things from NYPD Blue. The cop knows she's bluffing, it's his badge Phoebe's using. Phoebe drops the badge, running away. Phoebe tells Monica and Chandler what happened with the cop. They ask why she ran, and she explains that impersonating a cop is a felony that could lead to jail time. She also admits to having been in jail at some point. Phoebe and the others are over at Monica and Rachel's, when the cop knocks at the door. Phoebe turns herself in, but warns the cop that the charges against her won't stick. He agrees, says he won't arrest her, but asks her out. He's been thinking about her since they met. Phoebe's flattered, quickly agreeing to the date. The cop's name, by the way, is Gary.

Chandler, Monica, and Joey: Joey comes home one evening to find Chandler and Monica sitting together in a recliner, doing the crossword. They all talk a little, commenting on how cute Chandler and Monica are as a couple. Joey goes to bed, and ends up having a dream where he's doing the crossword puzzle with Monica. When he wakes up, he's totally freaked out. The next morning, he's really weird when he runs into Monica and Chandler in Central Perk. Monica's wearing one of Joey's sweatshirts, which really upsets him. Monica offers to take it off, but Joey doesn't want it because it'll smell like her. Monica's worried she smells bad, but Joey assures her she smells like a meadow. Then he runs away. When Joey comes home that evening, Monica's making dinner for herself and Chandler. She asks Joey to taste the sauce she's making, and Joey freaks out again. She and Chandler finally confront Joey about why he's acting so strangely. He confesses that he dreamed about Monica, and is now in love with her. Chandler and Monica come up with a few alternatives to explain the dream. Joey likes Monica's suggestion that he'd like to have the closeness that she and Chandler have. Chandler asks Joey if he's attracted to Monica, but Joey isn't really. This sort of hurts Monica's feelings, but it's forgotten when Joey asks how he can have the same kind of closeness with a woman. Chandler and Monica think he should be friends with the woman first. At this point, Rachel comes over looking for a measuring tape, and Joey starts giving her the eye. He ends up hitting on her when she comes over asking for his help moving Ross' couch. Rachel declines the offer, suggesting he needs to meet a woman, and start a friendship. Joey doesn't want to do that, since that takes a long time. He regrets not hitting on Phoebe. Joey ends up taking Chandler, Monica, and Rachel's advice about women. Only, their advice didn't work out too well, because when the woman Joey met found out he wanted a friendship first, she threw herself at him. And so did her roommate. He's not too upset about the failure of his relationship plans.

Ross and Rachel: Rachel goes with Ross when he buys a new couch. Ross is really particular, and has to make sure the couch meets all his specifications. He finally picks a couch (not without prompting from Rachel), and is given a form to sign. While looking over the form, he sees how expensive it'll be to have the couch delivered to his apartment. He and Rachel are both horrified over the cost, since Ross only lives three blocks from the store. Ross decides not to have the couch delivered, then expects Rachel to help him carry it home. On their way out of the store with the couch, Ross and the salesman get into a discussion of the likelihood of a guy like Ross dating a girl like Rachel. Ross is compelled to explain that he and Rachel did used to go out. They manage to get the couch to Ross's building, and Ross takes it towards the staircase. Rachel stops him, because he told her there was an elevator. He lied. Rachel thinks he should go back and have movers help him. Ross refuses partly due to the cost, but also because he saw a Dateline about how movers case your belongings to come back later and steal them. He and Rachel have a discussion about the show, and how much Rachel wants to kiss Jane Pauly. Ross shushes her, so they can start moving the couch up the stairs. It doesn't go well, and they end up dropping it. Rachel asks Joey for his help moving the couch. He agrees at first, but this is during the period where he wants her to be the friend he has a relationship with. She declines his advances, and I guess he doesn't want to help anymore. She gets Chandler to help instead, but Ross says he's barely any help. They try moving the couch again, this time with a diagram Ross drew. They end up getting it stuck. I guess they don't know what to do once they get it stuck, because Ross and Rachel just sorta chill on the steps. Ross gets motivated to move the couch again, and urges Rachel to help. She stands up, accidentally pulling the fire alarm. All the tenants of the building run down the stairs, stepping on the couch as they go. Ross takes the couch back to the store, wanting to return it. The saleslady refuses to take it back, since it's cut in half. Ross asks for store credit, and she agrees to give him four dollars.

• This is pretty adorable. But why the bubble vest?

• I'm horrible at crossword puzzles. I don't know why. Joey's "Not dog but--" "Cat" is about at my level.

• Because it's really hard to walk across the hall and get a sweatshirt that belongs to you?

• Cops and doughnuts are like the cockroaches of jokes. They will never go away.

• Being generally against lugging couches for blocks and blocks, I'd totally pay the delivery cost.

I'm surprised Rachel didn't put up more of a fight.

• The salesman looks like Bill Pullman with a facelift.

• I can't believe Ross kept count.
  

Although, if I was having sex with Rachel, I'd probably keep count, too. Just saying.

• The tree lady is Margaret, Leo's secretary, from The West Wing!

• Ends badly.

• Joey used to have a crush on Monica, has sex dreams about her, but says he's not attracted to her. Oookay.

• It's epically awesome that Phoebe answers Gary's questions using characters from NYPD Blue.

• Joey, putting the moves on Rachel.

Her outfit is super cute.

• To quote Winnie-the-Pooh: "Stuck. Wedged there in a great tightness."

PIVOT

• Joey steals a pizza from the second floor of the building, then thinks that the cops are after him when Gary shows up.

• It'd make a good love seat.
  

Maybe?

The Magna Doodle Says:

Something about someone calling for Joey. And a spiral!!

Oh. My. God.

"Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?"

"Dark red?" -Chandler and Joey, when Chandler and Monica are doing the crossword.

"There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but..."

"Cat!" -Monica and Joey, doing the crossword.

"Why would a cop come in here, though? They don't serve doughnuts." -Chandler, after Phoebe finds the badge.

"While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists, because my friend Fritzy has been, like, number eleven forever, so this could be her year!" -Phoebe, before she goes to turn the badge in.

"Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter." -Chandler, to Monica, after Joey gets all awkward with Monica.

"I need a couch that says, 'kids welcome here,' but that also says, 'come here to me'."

"What?! You say that to kids?!" -Ross and Rachel, while he's couch shopping.

"The 'come here to me,' is, y'know, for the ladies."

"Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch." -Ross and Rachel, about the couch.

"Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!" -Ross, to the salesman, about he and Rachel's relationship.

"A loser you did it with 298 times!" -Ross, to Rachel, after she calls him a loser.

"I am not going to apologize to a tree!" -the tree lady, to Phoebe.

"Alright, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power." -Phoebe, to Monica and Chandler, about how the badge makes her feel.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, what if Martin Luther Kind had said that? I kinda have a dream...I don't want to talk about it." -Chandler, teasing Joey when he won't share his dream.

"Hey, ummm, do you guys have that tape measure?"

"Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom." -Rachel and Chandler.

"Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore." -Phoebe, to Gary, when she learns he's a cop, too.

"Hey, by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be alright. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good." -Gary, to Phoebe, when she names Sipowicz as a cop from her precinct.

"Don't hit on your existing friends!" -Rachel, to Joey, when he puts the moves on her.

"Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!" -Joey, to Rachel, after she turns him down.

"What, you brought Joey?"

"Well, I brought the next best thing."

"Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!" -Ross and Rachel, trying to move the couch.

"Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself."

"No! That's--that's my arm!"

"Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch." -Rachel, Ross, and Chandler, about Ross's diagram.

"PIVOT!" -Ross, moving the couch.

"I can't believe that didn't work!"

"I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch." -Ross and Rachel, when they get the couch stuck.

"I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! And her roommate!" -Joey, explaining how being friends first went for him.

"Closeness-shmoshness!! There was three of us for crying out loud!" -Joey, defending his actions.

"You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen." -Gary, when he asks Phoebe out.

"And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for doughnuts."

"He has a gun." -Gary and Chandler, after Gary makes a bad joke, and Chandler laughs.

"You wanna return this couch? It's cut in half!" -the saleswoman, when Ross wants to return the couch.

TOW: the Girl who Hits Joey

Joey and Rachel: Joey's started dating a very petite woman named Katie (Soleil Moon Frye). The gang meets her when she comes to Central Perk to meet Joey for a date. They're also introduced to one of Katie's regular habits, playfully punching people. When she goes to the restroom, Joey explains that even though Katie is small, she punches really hard. Everyone makes fun of him, not believing that Katie could hurt him. Joey has coffee with Katie in Central Perk. She's still hitting him, and he decides to talk with her about the habit. He moves away from her, telling her that she's little, but hits hard. She laughs, thinking he's teasing her, and hits him some more. Joey goes into Central Park wearing tons of sweaters. Rachel sees him, and he explains that he's wearing six sweaters because he's breaking up with Katie. Katie arrives, and Rachel compliments her on her coat. In thanks, Katie punches Rachel in the arm. It hurts, just as Joey said, but Rachel hits Katie back. They punch each other for awhile, before Rachel gets fed up and kicks Katie in the shin. Katie's pissed, telling Joey to do something about Rachel, or she'll walk out. Joey doesn't do anything. He and Rachel hug once Katie leaves.

Chandler and Monica: At the end of the the last episode, Ross saw Chandler and Monica making out. He runs over to confront them, furious that Chandler would sleep with his sister. Chandler wants to run away, but Monica wants to talk to Ross. They let Ross in, he yells some, but then they explain they're in love, not just having sex. Now that everyone knows, Chandler and Monica's relationship is a frequent topic of discussion. In Central Perk, the whole gang talks about what it'll be like if Chandler and Monica have kids, and what to get them as a wedding present. Chandler and Monica are quick to laugh off the speculation, since they haven't been together for that long. Chandler and Rachel are hanging out, when Rachel makes another joke about Monica and Chandler's future. Chandler asks her not to say things like that, because he doesn't want Monica to get ideas. Rachel explains that since it's Monica, she's already thought about her future with Chandler. Chandler tries to pretend it's not true, but Rachel brings up the fact that Monica dumped Richard because he didn't want babies. Chandler knows that Rachel's right, and starts freaking out. Chandler and Monica are cuddling in his recliner, when Monica asks if they couldn't just "stay there forever." Chandler loses it. Monica's not surprised by his reaction, having assumed he'd freak when everyone started making jokes about their future. Chandler thinks he's right to be worried, since he knows what Monica wants from their future. Monica knows it's Chandler's commitment phobia talking, but she's really disgusted with him and leaves. Chandler tells Ross and Joey about the argument. They think it can be fixed, but that Chandler probably won't be able to do the fixing. Monica comes in to get some coffee (to go, because she sees Chandler). Chandler asks her what he can do to fix their relationship, but Monica's still too upset to talk with him. She tells him that he has to fix their relationship this time. Later that day, Chandler runs into Monica and Rachel's, frantically searching for Monica. Everyone's over, playing cards, and witness Chandler proposing to Monica. Chandler's not sure why he's proposing, but the important thing is that he isn't afraid. He's really proposing as an apology, and Monica points out that it isn't a good reason to get married. Chandler realizes he's doing a really stupid thing, but he was afraid of losing Monica. He's also confused because he went to Ross and Joey for advice. Monica realizes that Chandler's not ready to handle relationship stuff like that by himself. Everyone makes fun of Chandler by apologizing to each other, then proposing.

Ross and Phoebe: Ross is getting settled into his new apartment, when Phoebe comes by with a house warming gift. While Phoebe's over, a neighbor, Steve (Willie Garson), stops by. He wanted to introduce himself, and ask Ross to chip in $100 as a retirement gift for the building handyman, Howard. Ross refuses to give the money, since he just moved in and doesn't know Howard. Steve leaves, having the impression that Ross is cheap. Ross is over at Chandler's, talking to him and Rachel about how everyone in his building hates him. They all think Ross is a cheapskate, and a kid even spit on him for not giving $100 to Howard. Ross decides to throw a party for his neighbors, where he'll explain his reasoning over the money. Rachel thinks he should just give the money, but it goes against Ross' principles. The night of the party, Ross sits in his apartment all by himself, playing with his name tag(s). He turns his music down for a second, and hears people chanting "Howard!". He goes across the hall, seeing that all his neighbors are having a party for Howard. Phoebe's there. She contributed money toward Howard, and all Ross' neighbors like her. She thinks it's good that they like her, that way she can make them like Ross. Steve walks by, and suggests Ross and Phoebe switch apartments. Ross is miserable at the party, wanting to leave, but Phoebe encourages him to stay. She's already started talking to the other guests about him. She was telling people about what happened between Ross and Emily, though that seems to be hurting more than helping. Phoebe suggests she and Ross get some food, and Ross gets a piece of cake. The problem is, the other guests hadn't cut the cake for Howard yet. This makes everyone hate Ross more. Phoebe steps in, telling the tenants that they just need to go to know Ross. She proceeds to tell the guests what her first impressions of them were. Ross and Phoebe are kicked out of the party, ending up back at Ross'. Phoebe explains that she was insulting the other guests in the hope that Ross would stand up for them and be the hero. He didn't get it.

• It continuously bothers me that Chandler and Monica ignore the fact that Ross lives across the street from them.
  

Take it to the bedroom, people.

• Maybe it'd be a good idea for the writer's to go ahead and address the fact that Ross flips out about Chandler and Monica in front of his boss? Maybe not...

• HEY! It's Punky Brewster!
  

I never watched that show, so I don't care that much, but I feel I should exude some sort of excitement.

• Soleil Moon Frye sounds like a porn star or stripper name.

• Joey gets beat up by a girl!!

She's really very small.

• The gay friend from Sex in the City is kinda mean.

• I'd give the money, since I'm afraid of confrontation and not being liked, but I agree with Ross. He shouldn't have to give that much money to a man he's never met.

• It was only a matter of time before Chandler totally lost it over being in a real relationship with Monica.

• Someone should tell Ross that name tags aren't cool.
  

The "ROSS" makes it worse.

• Joey, needing extra padding.

• I don't condone violence (much), but it's awesome when Rachel kicks Katie.

• Subtlety, thy name is Ross.

• Phoebe insulting the guests so Ross can defend them wasn't a bad plan.

• Chandler's first proposal.
  

Where did the ring come from?

• The episode name sounds like the title of an anti-abuse PSA or the name of a Lifetime movie of the week. Starring Tori Spelling.

The Magna Doodle Says:

C.B. + M.G 4 Ever

Oh. My. God.

"I'm going on the lam." -Chandler, to Monica, when he attempts to run from Ross.

"What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he's--he's the one doing your sister." -Joey, to Ross.

"Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us."

"Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps." - Monica and Chandler, during the discussion about their future kids.

"Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up." -Chandler, when Joey explains Katie's hurting him.

"Howard's the handyman."

"Yes, but to me, he's just man." -Steve and Ross, on why Ross won't contribute money to Howard.

"Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY!" -Ross, telling Chandler and Rachel about his party.

"It's not different at all, is it?"

"Not unless different means the same." -Chandler and Rachel, about what Monica expects from her relationship with Chandler.

"You want babies! You have baby fever!" -Chandler, to Monica, during his freak out. I'm wondering if baby fever is anything like Beiber fever.

"If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one." -Monica, to Chandler, when he goes to her about ways to make things right.

"Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?" -Joey, to Rachel, when he comes in Central Park to breakup with Katie.

"You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna?"

"Nah." -Katie and Joey, after Rachel kicks Katie.

"Go back to 3-B, 3-B!!" -Steve, after Ross eats Howard's cake.

"Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked 'who here likes Ross,' and he's wearing two name tags!" -Phoebe, to the other party guests.

"Do you, ummm, think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?"

"No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy." -Monica and Chandler, after he proposes.

"Who? Two divorces and Joey?!" -Monica, about Chandler getting advice from Ross and Joey.

"Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door." -Chandler, to Monica, about what would've happened if she'd said yes to his proposal.

"You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me?" -Ross, to Joey.

Vacation

Hey all!

I'm not going to be posting for the next two weeks. My work schedule is incredibly hectic, plus I'm applying to grad school, and I'm going to be out of town for a bit next weekend. Hopefully, I'll be able to get back to a more normal posting schedule soon.

TOW: Everybody Finds Out

Ross: watches Ugly Naked Guy pack up his apartment. He decides it might be fun to live right across from Monica and Rachel. The next day, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel go over to check out Ugly Naked guy's place. Ross thinks it's amazing, stunned that he never noticed how great the apartment is. Phoebe threatens to go fill out an application herself, and Ross runs out to fill out an application of his own. When he comes back, Rachel and Phoebe are jumping and screaming. Rachel tells him it's because they're so excited he could get this apartment. he starts jumping and screaming, too. Ross goes over to Monica and Rachel's with news about Ugly Naked Guy's place. He learned that Ugly Naked Guy is subletting the apartment himself, and has already gotten over a hundred applications. To get more of an edge, Ross sent Ugly Naked Guy a basket of mini-muffins. He wants the gang to see it, so he calls them over to the window. Instead of seeing Ross's basket of mini-muffins, they see a pinball machine, a mountain bike, and a whole table of muffin baskets. Ross pouts because obviously his bribe isn't going to get him anywhere. He stresses over not getting the apartment, since he wants it so badly. Rachel suggests Ross go over, and talk to Ugly Naked Guy about something he's interested in. They discuss a few things Ross could relate to him about, but don't come up with anything concrete before Ross has to pick Ben up. Ross ends up knocking at Ugly Naked Guy's door. He applauds Ugly Naked Guy for his lack of clothes. Across the street, the rest of the gang notices that Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend; Ross. Ross gets the apartment, and invites his museum boss, Donald, over. He's trying to prove he's getting his life together. Donald invites Ross to come back to the museum, but as Ross accepts, he gets quite the surprise from Chandler and Monica.

Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey: go with Ross to look at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment. Rachel goes to the restroom while Ross is putting in his application, leaving Phoebe alone in the living room. She notices Chandler and Monica across the street, waving to them. They don't notice since they start doing other things. Phoebe screams in shock, making Rachel sprint out of the bathroom. Rachel calms Phoebe down, telling her that she knows about Chandler and Monica, and Joey does, too, but Ross doesn't. To divert Ross from what's going on across the street, Rachel starts jumping and screaming out of joy for Ross possibly getting such a great apartment. Rachel tells Phoebe what she knows about Chandler and Monica's relationship. Joey comes in, and Rachel tells him that Phoebe knows. Joey's relieved, thinking that the secret keeping is over. Only, Phoebe thinks it'd be really fun to mess with Chandler and Monica. Joey doesn't want to do it, but Rachel's on board. Phoebe tells Rachel to use her position as the roommate, while Phoebe uses her sexuality. Chandler comes in for coffee, and Phoebe goes to flirt with him. She squeezes his bicep, giggles, confesses she's gotta thing for him, and indicates she'd like to hook up. The next day, Rachel asks Monica if she'd like to go to a movie, but Monica declines since she has to do 'laundry.' Rachel goes to her room, bringing out a gigantic laundry bag. Phoebe gives Monica quarters. As Rachel and Phoebe leave, Phoebe pinches Chandler's ass. Phoebe gets a phone call from Chandler, wanting to set up a date. Rachel realizes this means that Chandler and Monica are on to them. Joey confirms Rachel's suspicions, but again Phoebe and Rachel aren't finished. When Chandler's over, Phoebe accepts the date. With Rachel and Joey's help, Phoebe prepares for the date with perfume and wine. Rachel listens at the door. She goes over to Chandler's, pulling out all the stops to seduce him. She dances, Chandler suggests they should go to his room, Phoebe'd rather be slathered in lotion; Chandler runs to the bathroom for lotion, while Phoebe scrambles to the hall. Phoebe's getting worried, since Chandler isn't breaking down. Joey, suddenly knowing that once Chandler breaks all the secrets'll be over, tells Phoebe to show Chandler her bra. He'll freak out because he can't work them. He rips Phoebe's blouse open, amazingly not tearing off any buttons, and sends her back in. Chandler and Phoebe actually kiss, before Chandler gives in.

Monica and Chandler: Chandler's astonished when Phoebe hits on him in Central Perk. He tells Monica all about it in bed that evening, but she doesn't believe him. She knows that Phoebe's never been attracted to Chandler, and thinks he's misreading her actions. Chandler says he's doing laundry with Monica when Rachel invites Monica to the movies. They're both miffed when Rachel gives them actual laundry to do. Monica catches when Phoebe pinches Chandler's ass. Even after seeing it, she can't believe Phoebe's seriously interested in Chandler. She realizes that Phoebe knows about the relationship, and is messing with them. They go across the hall to confront Joey, thinking he told. Joey admits that Rachel and Phoebe know, but that they found out on their own. Again, Joey thinks all the secrets will stop, but now Chandler and Monica want to mess with Rachel and Phoebe. Chandler calls Phoebe to set up a date. When Phoebe eventually agrees to the date, Chandler freaks out. Monica calms him down. They're in the bathroom, preparing for the date. Chandler's panicking, but Monica tells him that Phoebe'll definitely give in. The date starts, and it's incredibly awkward. Chandler runs to the bathroom for lotion and encouragement when Phoebe wants to be slathered, naked. Monica reassures him, sending him back out to deal with Phoebe. Chandler notices Phoebe's shirt is ripped open, it makes him even more uncomfortable. They prepare to kiss, lips actually meeting, before Chandler gives it up. He tells Phoebe they can't have sex, because he loves Monica. Monica comes out of the bathroom, and they say they love each other. Rachel and Joey come in from the hall, and everyone thinks it's sweet. Joey thinks the secrets are over, but Ross still doesn't know about them, and they don't want him to be told.

• Bye, Ugly Naked Guy.

Your naked shenanigans will be missed.

• Phoebe finds out.

It's always great when all of your friends have seen you doing it with your boyfriend.

• When all else fails, jump.

Boy, that's an orange coat Phoebe's got.

• Phoebe and Rachel
  

the faces of evil.

• Joey has a stuffed animal. Um, aw.

• In which Phoebe uses her sexuality.

Hello, Mr. Bing.

• Chandler just can't win. Monica's dating him, and still doesn't think it's possible Phoebe could be attracted to him.

• Rachel giving Monica and Chandler actual laundry to do is pure genius. And soooo evil.
  

• Man, Ugly Naked Guy's apartment really is in high demand. I wish I had something that good to sell. I could use a pinball machine.
  

• Ass pinching.

• Monica does know Rachel knows, though. They had that whole conversation where Monica says Chandler's paying her to clean his room, and Rachel congratulates her on her new job.

• Chandler and Phoebe's hot date.

That's about as awkward as Michael Jackson kissing Lisa-Marie Presley.

• That shit takes talent.

Really, that's an exceptionally pretty bra.

• CHANDLER LOVES MONICA

This is less like Joanie loves Chachi than I made it sound.

• GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!

This is totally a best moment ever.

The Magna Doodle Says:

It's a little drawing of skiers.

Oh. My. God.

"Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes." -Ross, watching Ugly Naked Guy move.

"Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt." -Rachel, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"I can't believe I never realized how great it is!"

"Well, that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man." -Ross and Rachel, viewing Ugly Naked Guy's apartment.

"CHANDLER AND MONICA!!! CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!" -Phoebe, finding out about Chandler and Monica.

"All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp?!"

"Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it, phone doing it." -Phoebe and Rachel, discussing Chandler and Monica's relationship.

"Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window." -Rachel, telling Joey that Phoebe knows.

"Okay, so now they know that you know, and they don't know that Rachel knows?" -Phoebe, to Joey about who knows what.

"Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal." -Joey, telling Phoebe and Rachel about his stuffed animal.

"Well, I try to, y'know, squeeze things." -Chandler, when Phoebe compliments his arms.

"Well, my grandfather was Swedish, and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny." -Chandler, to Monica, on why he's so cute.

"I'm sorry, it's just, Phoebe always thought you were--you were charming in a--in a sexless kind of way."

"Oh, y'know, I--I can't hear that enough." -Monica and Chandler, discussing Phoebe's motives.

"Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day."

"Your work makes me sad." -Ross and Chandler, about the mini-muffins Ross sends to Ugly Naked Guy.

"Okay, but what about, y'know, my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps--she knows!!" -Chandler, realizing Phoebe knows about he and Monica.

"But see, they don't know that we know that they know!" -Monica, after learning Rachel and Phoebe know.

"Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming." -Joey, on what happened to Ugly naked Guy's cat.

"Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!" -Phoebe, after Chandler calls to set up a date.

"They don't know that we know they know we know! Joey, you can't say anything!"

"I couldn't even if I wanted to." -Phoebe and Joey, after learning Chandler and Monica know that Phoebe and Rachel know.

"I'm looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse." -Phoebe, to Chandler, after setting up their date.

"Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!" -Joey.

"It's Naked Ross!" -Rachel.

"Y'know, when you say things like that, it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!" -Phoebe, on her date with Chandler.

"I'm very glad we're gonna be having all the sex." -Chandler, to Phoebe, during their date.

"I can't have sex with you, because I'm in love with Monica!!" -Chandler, cracking under the pressure.

"I just-- I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!" -Phoebe, after Monica and Chandler tell they love each other.

"What are you doing?!! GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Ross, seeing Chandler and Monica doing it.

TOW: Joey's Bag

Joey and Rachel: Ross nearly steps on Joey's top hat. Joey pulls it out from under Ross's feet, putting it on. He explains to Ross and Chandler that the hat is for an audition. Joey's going out for the part of a very suave, well-dressed character, and thinks the hat helps. Chandler and Ross make fun, but Rachel offers to help Joey out if he comes to the store. The next day, Rachel finds Joey the perfect outfit, but there's a little something missing. Rachel gives Joey a shoulder bag to complete the look. Joey's not into it at first, even after Rachel shows him that men are carrying it in the catalog. He changes his mind about the bag, though, when he sees how good it looks on him. When Joey gets to Central Perk, Ross and Chandler tease him, but Joey's pretty much in love with the bag. He's realized that not only is it fashionable, but it's functional as well. He's decided to keep it after the audition, and will pay Rachel with what he makes after he gets the part. The next morning, Joey comes in all ready for his big audition. Rachel thinks the bag will totally help him get the part. The others still aren't sure about the bag's merits, but Joey informs them that they better get used to it. At the audition, the director asks Joey to read the lines without his 'purse.' Joey agrees, but can't make it through the reading. He stops to tell the director that it's not a purse, but a shoulder bag. He gets out the catalog to show the director that men are wearing the bag, too. The director's not impressed, sending Joey off. Joey, however, thinks that he's got the part. He goes back to Monica and Rachel's, telling them he didn't get the role, after all. The director had a problem with the bag. Monica suggests it's time to give the bag up, and Joey turns to Rachel for support. Rachel's given up on the bag though, taking Monica's side. Joey decides to give up the bag, albeit reluctantly. Before he gives it up, he notices that there's a whole side of pockets he missed.

Phoebe: arrives at Central Perk during the discussion about Joey's hat. Tragically, her grandma just passed away. They comfort Phoebe, who's taking it remarkably well, already sure she'd see her grandma again. Phoebe goes to Ursula's apartment, to let Ursula know that their grandma died, and that they're having a memorial service. Ursula thought their grandma was already dead, and isn't going to come to the service. She's also got concert tickets for the same night. Phoebe hands out 3-D glasses at the memorial service. A man enters behind the gang, and starts talking with Phoebe. He tells Phoebe that he used to be close to Francis and Lily, and his name is Frank Buffay (Bob Balaban). Phoebe's understandably surprised, but when questioned, Frank claims his name is really Joe Hill. He gets flustered, running off. Phoebe tells the gang that the man is her father, and goes after him. When she comes back inside, she tells the group that she told Frank her name was Glenda, and that she was the executor of Francis's estate. They have a meeting set for the next day. The service starts, so they don't have more time to discuss the meeting. The next morning, Phoebe prepares to go to Central Perk to meet with Frank. Everyone wants to know if Phoebe'll tell Frank who she really is, but Phoebe's not sure if she will or not. Ross tells her he'd definitely tell, because he'd be so furious at being abandoned. Phoebe claims she's over all that, but Monica notices how tense she is. Monica attempts to massage Phoebe with disastrous results. At the meeting, Franks asks for what Francis left him, but all Phoebe has to give is a used tube of lipstick. She says Frank has to answer some questions to get the gift, but the questions make Frank uncomfortable. He's ready to leave, but before he does he gives a note to Phoebe to give to Lily. Phoebe's confused, since Lily's dead. She tells Frank, and he's horrified; he had no idea. He asks what happened to the girls, and Phoebe tells him about Ursula, then tells him that she's Phoebe. Frank apologizes for leaving, but Phoebe says it doesn't matter. Frank defends his actions by claiming he was a horrible father. They have a moment after Frank sings a lullaby he made up for the girls. It's got the same melody as 'Smelly Cat'. Phoebe calls Ursula to tell her about their father. Ursula doesn't really care, cause she thinks their dad is John Glenn, and she's in a paternity lawsuit against him.

Chandler and Monica: decide to give one another massages. Monica really enjoys hers, and informs Chandler he's lucky, because she gives great massages. As soon as she starts rubbing Chandler's back, he winces in pain. He tries to get her to stop, but she thinks she's great at it, and he doesn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. He tells Joey how horrible Monica's massages are, though. Joey encourages him to tell Monica the truth, but Chandler's afraid he'll ruin the first real relationship he's ever had. Everything's going pretty great until Monica attempts to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe shrieks, and tells Monica it felt horrible. Monica's shocked, looking to the others for backup. Ross agrees with Phoebe, so Monica points out that Rachel used to like the massages until she became allergic. Monica then says that Chandler likes them, proceeding to start rubbing his shoulders. Chandler's face contorts in pain, and he tells Monica he doesn't like her massages. Monica starts to lecture him about lying before realizing they're around people who don't know about their relationship. Later, Chandler comes by to apologize. He tells Monica he really does like her massages. Monica informs him that she can handle the truth, so he tells her the massage wasn't good. She starts to cry, which he tries to make better by saying she can't be the best at everything. This makes it all worse. Chandler tells Monica that she gives the best bad massage; that her massages are so bad she deserves an award. This makes her feel better.

Ross: doesn't do much. Except tease Joey.

• This episode is good, but not particularly special.

• Boys in hats.

I feel that Joey should be driving a hansom cab.

• Poor, Phoebe. It's so sad her grandma dies.

• Joey's bag.

What's the big deal with it? It doesn't look like a purse, really, more like something a business man would carry.

• I don't really get Ursula. Is she supposed to be completely out-of-touch or a bitch?

• Frank Buffay

• Seriously, when we learn that he's Frank, a guy in the audience gasps so melodramatically; it's ridiculous. It's like the gasp you reserve for the end of Sixth Sense not meeting Phoebe's dad the first time in an episode of Friends.

• Everyone rocking their 3-D glasses.
  

What did they use them for?

• I don't know how I'd feel about meeting the father that abandoned me... I'd probably be angry, but part of me wonders if I'd also feel just a tad bit ambivalent.

• The massaging thing is cute, and very couple-like for Chandler and Monica, but I'm not sure I care that much.

God, Rachel, your smile's just evil.

• It's hilarious that she feels better when Chandler tells her she's the best at giving bad massages, though.

• I like that Frank didn't know Lily was dead. It makes him slightly more sympathetic, that all these years he had no idea, and wasn't intentionally leaving the girls to live out on the street.

• Speaking of living on the street, did Ursula? And why didn't their grandma take them in?

• Aww, Frank's lullaby has the same tune as Smelly Cat.

• Joey's forced to give up his man's bag.

• John Glenn!? I'm pretty sure this scene wasn't part of the episode when it originally aired. Still, John Glenn!?

Oh. My. God.

"Good-bye muscles!" -Chandler, during his first massage by Monica.

"Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up, I just--I didn't know what it was!" -Chandler, to Joey, about the massage.

"And the bunny got away?" -Chandler, examining Joey's top hat.

"Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside!" -Monica, before she learns that Phoebe's grandma died.

"Well, ummm, okay, we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt, and she just never came back up again." -Phoebe, explaining how her grandma died.

"Exactly! Unisex!"

"Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago."

"No! No, Joey, u-n-i sex."

"Well, I ain't gonna say no to that." -Rachel and Joey, discussing the unisex qualities of the shoulder bag.

" Thanks! Enjoy your funeral!" -Ursula, to Phoebe.

"Wow, you look just like your son, Mrs. Tribbiani!" -Chandler, seeing Joey with the bag for the first time.

"What's the part, Auntie Mame?" -Ross, to Joey, after seeing the bag. The transcript has the line as "What's the part, anti-man?" Hahahahaha.

"I think it's sexy."

"U-n-i sexy?" -Rachel and Joey, about the bag.

"Pulling flowers out of it makes the bag look a lot more masculine." -Chandler, to Joey, at the memorial service.

"That bag is gonna get you the part."

"And a date with a man." -Rachel and Chandler, again with the bag.

"So from now on, you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey comes with a bag!" -Joey, defending his bad.

"Oh, stop it!!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!" -Phoebe, after Monica tries to give her a massage.

"Oh my God! You don't know me at all!" -Monica, to Chandler, when he says she doesn't always have to be the best.

"Well, if she isn't, then cremating her was a big mistake." -Phoebe, to Frank, after he learns Lily's dead.

"Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!" -Phoebe, to Frank.

"I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag." -Rachel, to Joey.

TOW: Chandler's Work Laugh

Chandler and Monica: go to one of Chandler's office parties together. They're pretty excited that they're able to be out about their relationship. Doug comes up with his wife, Kara (Lise Simms), and we're introduced to Chandler's fake laugh. Monica's never heard the fake laugh before, and is a little creeped out. Chandler explains about his work laugh, and Monica practices hers. The next day, Chandler tells Monica that she was a big hit with his co-workers; they even like him a little better because of her. Anyway, Doug invited Chandler and Monica to play tennis with him and his wife. Chandler's actually kind of excited since Doug's never asked him to do anything outside of work. During the tennis match, Monica does her insanely competitive thing, seriously kicking Doug and Kara's asses. Chandler wants her to ease up a little, letting Doug and Kara win the next match. Monica's horrified by what Chandler's suggesting. Doug asks that the next game be their last, and Monica says she'll try to let them win. Of course she can't do that, so Chandler purposefully makes bad moves to let Doug and his wife win. Monica's pissed off about it, complaining about Chandler throwing the last game all the way home. She was so angry, as a matter of fact, that she broke Chandler's tennis racket. She finally tells Chandler that she doesn't like his work personality. Monica thinks he should be more himself, instead of an irritating suck-up. Chandler decides to withhold sex that evening. Monica and Chandler have dinner with Doug and Kara. Chandler's been really irritating, and Monica's mostly unamused by Doug. When Doug and Kara excuse themselves to get coffee and desert, Monica tells Chandler she doesn't want to go to his work stuff anymore. She loves him, but doesn't respect the brown-nosing work Chandler. Doug comes from the kitchen with the coffee, making a lame joke about how weak Kara's coffee is. Chandler doesn't laugh, telling Doug he didn't think the joke was funny. It's really awkward, so Monica steps in, explaining the joke to Chandler. When the joke is explained, Chandler and Monica do the fake laugh.

Rachel: wants to talk Joey about Chandler and Monica all the time. Joey doesn't have much else to tell her about, but she continues pestering him with questions. Rachel decides to try and get some answers from Monica. She goes to Central Perk on her lunch break, specifically to talk to Monica. She thinks that they haven't been able to have a nice chat in awhile. They have a little small talk, Rachel steering the conversation toward men. Monica doesn't take the bait, and Rachel has to go back to work. A few days later, Rachel tries a new tactic. She confesses to Monica that she made out with a guy that Monica liked back when they were in high school. She waits for Monica to confess a secret she's kept from Rachel, but Monica doesn't have anything to confess. Rachel admits that she overheard Monica setting up a date with Chandler. Monica laughs it off, saying that they were just talking, and she was actually calling Chandler a bigot. Rachel doesn't believe it, but goes with Monica's explanation. Joey comes over one afternoon to get away from Chandler and Monica. Rachel's upset because Monica called her, saying she had to work late. She's sad that Monica's been lying about Chandler, deciding to go across the hall and confront them. She sneaks into Chandler and Joey's, creeping up to listen at Chandler's door. She hears Monica telling Chandler he has to make racist jokes, since Rachel now thinks he's a bigot. Monica goes on to say that lying to Rachel makes her really sad, since she's always told Rachel everything. Rachel feels guilty for spying, and leaves, only she knocks over a lamp on her way out. Monica comes out of Chandler's room, thinking it was Joey. Neither of them know what to say to one another. Monica tells Rachel that Chandler's started paying her to clean his room; that's what she meant when she said she was working late. Rachel goes along with this, saying she only came over to borrow a lamp. Rachel congratulates Monica on her knew job with a hug, and leaves. Chandler comes out of his room, laughing at how gullible Rachel is, not understanding that Rachel knows, but is pretending not to.

Ross: comes in to Central Perk after getting some bad news: Emily's getting married. He tells the gang unable to hide his anger, which is only more apparent when he orders, and crushes, a scone. Later, he tells Phoebe all about a nasty letter he wrote Emily. At first he's appalled to find that one of the birds has messed on the letter, but then finds it fitting. He, Joey, and Phoebe are supposed to go to a movie, but he backs out because he wants to be alone. The next day, everyone but Chandler is gathered at Joey's, worried because Ross was out all night. Monica's pretty freaked, since that's not particularly Ross-like behavior. When he finally strolls in, Monica confronts him. Ross says he just went out for a walk, and to a bar. Joey gaspingly announces that Ross must've hooked up with someone. Ross doesn't want to talk about it, but the apartment door flies open to reveal Janice, coming in to return Ross's scarf. Janice is upset that everyone knows, since she's supposed to be pining for Chandler in Yemen. The group assures Janice that they're not judging her. She leaves, and Ross tells everyone that he plans on seeing her again because they've got a lot in common. No one is amused. Ross tells Joey and Phoebe about another great date with Janice, saying it was really easy to open up to her about all the negative things going on in his life. Ross meets Janice in Central Perk, under the impression that their relationship is going really well. Janice starts to leave, but Ross pulls her back. He starts talking, but interrupts himself to whine about his coffee being wrong. Janice can't stand it anymore, and tells Ross that she can't be with him because he whines too much. Ross is stunned that Janice is breaking up with him because she finds him annoying. He realizes how ridiculous he's been acting, fully supporting Janice's breakup. Ross eventually tells Chandler about hooking up with Janice. Instead of being upset, Chandler laughs. Ross's surprised Chandler took it so well, since dating another guy's ex is one of those unwritten rules, along with dating someone's relative. Chandler quickly feigns anger, but tells Ross he forgives him for dating Janice. He's quick to encourage Ross to remember that he's forgiving him, that he's letting Ross live with him and Joey free of rent, and, for added brownie points, Chandler gives him twenty-seven bucks. He decides to write it all down, in case Ross forgets.

Joey and Phoebe: hang out quite a bit this episode. Joey does talk to Rachel some about Monica and Chandler. They go see You've Got Mail together, the night Ross disappears. They're racing the chick and duck when Ross comes home after his second date with Janice. They don't want him seeing her, and Phoebe tells him that they'll listen to his problems... before being distracted by the chick and duck race.

• How is Joey not disgustingly fat?

Behold the power of the napkin bib.

• Chandler's wearing his Leatherstocking vest again.

• Scones! MY scones!

Ross's version of the Boston Tea Party

• See, Chandler and Monica go to his work party, but I thought their relationship was secret from everyone. Not that they were just hiding it from their friends, which makes it seem like they're ashamed.

• Doug is still disgusting, and I still can't type his name without making it dough.

• I like that Rachel tries to get Monica to open up to her. She doesn't sneak around trying to catch Monica and Chandler in the act, but gives Monica chances to tell her about the relationship.

• I love You've Got Mail. I'm sure this makes me lame, but seriously, I watch it every time it's on TV. Why Joey's willingly going to see it is beyond me, though.

• Ross licks the envelope after one of the bird's makes a mess on it.

• Matthew Perry plays tennis!
  

This is soooooo exciting! Cause, y'know, he used to play tennis, and was good enough to go pro. He guest-starred on an episode of the old 90210 as a tennis player, too!

• Monica's sort of a jerk.

Tennis player, airplane--who can decide?

• I get why Chandler acts fake with the people he works with, especially his boss. Obviously, he should be able to be himself, but sometimes it's easier to just play along.

Dear God, his mouth is open wide.

• I play tennis a little like John McEnroe, but I have never once bent the top of my racket.
  

• Ross is gone for one night, and Monica gathers everyone together to worry about what happened.
  

Hello, he's an adult, he can do that if he wants.

• Janice and Ross!!!!

Janice still thinks Chandler's in Yemen. She's also wearing what I believe is a yeti.

• Rachel says that Monica's nickname for Chandler is just Mr. Big. I'm pretty sure Monica was going to say more than that during the phone conversation Rachel overheard. It sounded more like "Mr. Big--" And since when do you coo at someone that they're a bigot?

• I can think of nothing better to do with my free time, than race a chick and duck.

• It's great how they handle Monica knowing that Rachel knows. Rachel understands not to say anything, but is still able to silently convey her approval.

• God, you know it's bad when Janice dumps you for being too annoying.

• I don't really understand why no one tells Chandler about Janice and Ross sooner. No one acts like it's supposed to be a big secret, or anything.

The Magna Doodle Says:

Joey call Kim :)

Oh. My. God.

"Sorry, Monica and Chandler are making love." -Joey, to Rachel, when he thinks she's scolding him for saying Monica and Chandler are doing it.

"STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!" -Ross, pummeling a scone after learning of Emily's upcoming marriage.

"So, are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase?"

"Pheebs, I don't think anyone's mad about that."

"Exactly! Because it's in the past!" -Phoebe and Rachel, while Phoebe is trying to convince Ross he can't be mad about the past.

"He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club... strip church." -Chandler, to Monica, about Doug.

"Oh, I used to, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at... bigger rocks." -Chandler, to Monica, explaining why he has to find a tennis racket.

"Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff." -Joey, to Ross, trying to convince him to come to the movies.

"Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved!" -Monica, gloating during the tennis match.

"You're not even giving them a chance!"

"They have rackets, don't they?!" -Chandler and Monica, when Chandler wants to let Doug and Kara win the next game.

"Maybe we should check the trash chute." -Joey, when Ross is missing.

"Oh, nobody's judging you." -Phoebe, to Janice, after she and Ross sleep together.

"Okay, look, I--I know what you guys are going to say..."

"You two will have very hairy children."

"Okay, I didn't know you would say that." -Ross and Phoebe, after he spends the night with Janice.

"Congratulations on your new job." -Rachel, to Monica, after she catches Monica at Chandler's.

"Let--let me make sure I'm hearing this right. You're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice." -Ross, after Janice breaks up with him.

"Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey." -Janice, to Joey.